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From the moment they pulled into the parking garage Zoro knew this trip was a mistake. Surrounded by layers of concrete on all sides, the Mall of America looked more like a prison than a shopping center. Then again, perhaps the trouble had already started on the ride up.
---
“So how is it that the three biggest guys get shoved in the back while you girls get all the room?” Zoro shifted his knees in a hopeless effort to regain some feeling in his legs.
“Because,” Nami explained, “The the only one that's gonna drive my car is me, and unlike the rest of you, I can trust Robin to help navigate. If I left you in charge we'd end up in Canada.”
“I don't mind Nami-swan!” Sanji interjected. “Held so tightly in this little space I can't help but feel closer to you!” The chef clasped his hands together and stared gooily at the seat in front of him. Zoro crossed his arms and leaned against his window trying to look as disgruntled as possible in the cramped space.
Nami rolled her eyes while Robin turned to the cranky brute and smiled softly. “You know,” she chimed. “Any of you could have ridden with Usopp. His van has plenty of room. Even with Franky, Chopper, and Brook.”
“Chya.” Zoro scoffed. “I hardly trust that trash heap to make it out of town, forget about crossing state lines.”
“Awww I like the Merry Mobile!” Luffy chimed in. “It's got stripes and those ram horn decals things!”
“Come to think of it,” Nami asked, “Why didn't you go with them Luffy?”
“Cause Sanji’s with you and he always packs snacks!” The boy exclaimed. He craned his head up the into the front of the car. “Where are they anyways?”
Nami shoved his head back. “Sit down!” she snapped, “They're up by Robin's feet and you're not getting any until we're at least halfway!”
“How much longer is that gonna be?” Luffy whined.
Robin glanced at her watch, “Hmm, I'd say in about two hours.”
“Whaaaaaaaat?! That's too long! Lets open them now!”
“No Luffy! I- Put your seatbelt back on!”
Luffy had unbuckled from the middle and was sprawled over Zoro's lap trying to reach from behind around Robin's seat. Zoro shuffled his shoulders, determined to ignore it all. Hunched over in the seat he looked about as intimidating as a turtle on it's side. Without turning around Robin reached behind her seat and gently pushed the boy away.
“Well fine then,” Luffy huffed. “Drive faster!”
Sitting up in his seat, Zoro turned in time to see that dangerous glint in Nami's eyes.
“Well,” she smiled. “If you insist.” Nami slammed on the gas as Luffy raised his arms and laughed.
Sanji clasped his hands over his chest. “Nami's especially beautiful when she's reckless!”
As Nami's bright orange "Tangerine Machine" zoomed past car after car, Zoro wondered if perhaps Usopp's van might of in fact, been the safer of the two.
---
That had been more than a few hours ago.
Zoro found himself on a bench in the Nickelodeon theme park. Luffy had practically run out of the car before it parked, and the girls (including Sanji) had gone off to look at clothes or shoes or something equally dull. The theme park didn't exactly interest him, but he kept ending up in the middle of it. Judging by Nami’s speeding, it would be a some time before the others arrived, but even then, Zoro wasn't sure where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do. Shopping was something you did when you needed something, like a chore. How'd they manage to talk him into this one?
Standing up, he exited the under the Ferris wheel. Well, this was the Fucking Mall of America, they had to have at least one bar.
---
After looping back into the theme park for the third time in the last 15 minutes Zoro was starting to get frustrated. Who the fuck built this place?! He was by the log ride now and he could see the Ferris wheel on the other side of the large space. Well, at least he wasn't in the same place. He couldn't say which entrance they had come in but he was pretty sure it hadn't been the one with the stupid Spongebob statue.
Walking back into the main hall Zoro saw a large blue shark stomping around waving at children. Behind him was a frazzled looking attendant passing out slips of paper while trying to keep the mascot from knocking anyone over. Zoro smiled to himself, now that was a job for Luffy. The attendant caught Zoro's eye and passed him what turned out to be a coupon while muttering a well rehearsed “SeaLife-Minnesota-tickets-are-good-all-day-hey-don't-cry-sharkys-a-nice-shark-would-you-like-a-sticker?-here-you-go-little-guy!” before chattering off to the next group of people.
Hmm Zoro thought to himself, an aquarium downstairs huh? Time to go look at some fish I guess.
---
Usopp, Chopper, Brook, and Franky stumbled into the mall mid afternoon. They would have gotten there sooner had Franky not tried to “update the stereo” while they were driving. The so-called mechanic had managed to knock out the air conditioning as well as the music while peeling off the interior paneling and then insisted that they make a quick stop in order to fix it. The end result was some extremely intense bass, a constant current of bitter cold air... and no way to control either. Franky would definitely be sitting in the back on the way home.
As Brook and Franky both went off their own way, Chopper grabbed Usopp's arm and pulled him toward the theme park.
“Come on! Let's get on some rides before Mr. Fix-it decides they need improvement!” Chopper was only a couple years younger than Usopp but at times like this his energy was on par with a 10 year old.
“Alright, alright” Usopp caved. “Let me give Luffy a call and see if he wants to join us.”
---
It was little surprise to find Luffy in the food court. The surprising bit was that they managed to keep him away from the second food court after going to the wrong one first.
“There's more than one?!” Luffy had exclaimed, “This is the best mall ever!”
After spinning circles on the Fairly Odd Coaster, and screaming his throat sore on the Airbender Drop, Usopp decided the Merry Go Round was a bit more his style. Luffy and Chopper didn't seem to mind though. Chopper sat proudly on his reindeer seat while Luffy managed to balance himself on the head of some strange sheep creature.
As the trio made their way off the carousel Luffy caught sight of blue hair and a Hawaiian shirt. He bustled over to Franky as the grown man fired a squirt gun into a carnival style game's target.
“Haha! Oh yeah I'm so super!” Franky stood and began flexing his biceps to an imaginary crowd.
“Oh yeah,” Usopp added dryly. “Nothing like beating children out of their money for poorly made stuffed creatures.”
Finally noticing them, Franky turned smugly to his younger friends. “Oh?” he chuckled “Care to up the difficulty then? Perhaps upstairs?” He raised his sunglasses and gestured to the ceiling. “Fourth floor's got a huge arcade.”
---
“Stupendous! Outgoing! Phenomenal! Only you could look so radiant Robin!” Sanji turned toward Nami. “Oh! Nami dear! Only you could inspire such grace!”
Nami smiled as she sat to take off the sandal wedges she was trying on. Only Sanji could make shoe shopping sound as risque as a trip to Victoria's Secret. Perhaps they'd go there next as a treat for good behavior. The heart-eyed chef had carried their things all afternoon without a single complaint despite being slowly buried under boxes and bags of their newly purchased treasures.
Robin turned to admire the knee-high purple boots she'd found. Perhaps they were too much with her new purple cowboy hat, but then again, maybe they were just right. She reached down to unzip a boot when her pocket buzzed. She read the text and smiled.
“Nami, Sanji. Had enough shopping for the day?” Robin showed them the text. “It seems the boys are going to the Skydeck arcade and seem to be under the impression that they can win more tickets than we can.”
---
After slipping through the gift shop for the fourth time, Zoro decided that either the aquarium went on forever, or it somehow looped. The question was where? Did it have an end? How do you get out?
'Okay Okay,' he thought. 'I went down the escalator, then through the ticket line, then another escalator, then touchpool, jellyfish, seahorses, fish, more different fish, the shark tunnel, other fish, gift shop, down the escalator, touchpool... '
“What's wrong with this place?!” Zoro muttered to the seahorse in front of him. The small creature continued to bob in place, it's fins fluttering gently. Zoro moved to sit on a bench by the shark tunnel with growing irritation. He was tired, hungry, and sober. Leaning back he closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. The curve of the tank was messing with him. 'Oh man,' he thought, 'Maybe if I just rest here for a second...'
---
Sanji was less than impressed with the Skydeck. Sure the it had an arcade, sure it had its own bowling alley, but damn they couldn't serve food worth shit. The bar food was expensive, low quality, and above everything the service was slow. How shameful.
Speaking of slow and shameful, where was that seaweed head? Sanji thought he and the girls would be the last ones there, what with stopping at the car to drop off the day’s spoils. Come to think of it, things would definitely be crowded on the way home. Of course he could always bait Luffy into the other car with promises of beef jerky and corn chips. He wondered if he could somehow talk Zoro into the van as well. Just think of it. Alone with the girls at night. Romantic. Perhaps the car would break down. Just him and Robin and Nami. Alone under the stars. Oh whats that? Help won't reach them before morning? How horrible.
Oh yes, now where was that idiot? He needed to discuss transportation immediately.
---
“Excuse me? Um, excuse me sir? The aquarium is closing. If you could please, um...”
Zoro opened his eyes. “Wha?” He rubbed at his face and looked around. A young employee was trying to get his attention.
“Sir the aquarium is closing and you're the last guest left and-”
“Yeah yeah, just show me the way out already.” He stood up and started shuffling forward.
“Um, sir! That's the wrong way!”
---
After leading Zoro through the gift shop and up the escalator (he could have sworn it only went down before) Zoro found himself finally free of the fish. Question was, what now?
Stretching his shoulders Zoro checked his phone, two text messages, one missed call, and a voice mail. He thumbed through the texts first.
“FOURTH FLOOR ARCADE AND GRILL! THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME? YOU'RE SUPER WRONG!” Yeah, that's Franky for you.
The second was from Sanji, “Hey shit head, you're late. Everyone else is here so where the fuck are you?”
The missed call was from Sanji as well, he clicked the voicemail icon and started walking. A few moments of silence passed then, “...The fuck was... Hey! You fucking lost you shit for brains?! If you even had half-!” *Beep!* “Message Deleted”
Zoro gripped the phone and continued forward. So he needed to get upstairs huh? Well he just came up that escalator so he was on floor... two? Huh, he didn't remember the theme park starting on the second floor. Now to find the stairs...
---
Sanji was sick of waiting. Brook, Franky, and the girls were bowling, Chopper, Usopp, and Luffy were exchanging all their tickets for candy, and he hadn't had a cigarette in at least an hour. It had taken little effort to convince Luffy to ride with the other guys. A simple, “I don't have any snacks” and the young man agreed that yes, there was definitely more candy room in the other car. Sanji fiddled with the pack in his pocket and walked out into the hallway. What time was it? He should have known better than to trust Zoro to find the way on his own. The bastard couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. Who the fuck thought he could handle the fucking Mall of America?
He pulled out his phone, no reply. Fucking-dumb-shit-piece-a-shit- he jammed his thumb over Zoro's fucking stupid icon and held the phone to his ear. A few rings later and a voice came over the line.
“... Calm your tits I'm on my way”
“Oh?” Replied Sanji. “How long ago was that? Did you crawl up out of the ocean?!”
“Well I- *humph* whatever. I'm taking the Ferris wheel up, I'm practically there.”
Sanji scrunched his eyebrows, the ride wasn't that tall was it? Did it even connect different floors? He walked over to the railing to look over the theme park.
“Dumbass the Ferris wheel doesn’t even reach the third floor. Why are you riding that slow piece of shit anyways?”
“What? Sure it does! Besides it was only way up so shut it!”
“The only-? There's fucking escalators every 50 feet! The hell are you on about!?" Sanji's patience was worn thin. "How do you manage to live on your own!? Do you need someone to lead you around fucking everywhere?! ARE YOU A FUCKING CHILD?! No. You know what? Just stay there! I'll come to you GODDAMN IDIOT!” Zoro's retort was silenced as Sanji hung up. He began typing a text to Nami. No way he was going to spend another long car ride with that imbecile.
---
“Lets try... 45 degrees!” Brook spun in place, slid down on one knee and pushed the ball forward. *Thunk* roll roll *CLATTER* “YOHOHOHOH!” Brook had not only avoided the gutters, he'd managed to hit a few pins. Score.
“Well,” Franky shrugged, “At least he's not throwing it behind him anymore.”
“It does make for an interesting game,” Robin replied. “Don't you think so Nami?”
“Oh yeah. Sure.” Nami held her knees in her seat, stiffly watching Brook wait for his ball. “It's less interesting when you're the one with 20 pound balls flying at you.”
Franky spat out his drink roaring with laughter as Brook retrieved skull patterned ball from the retrieval area.
“And-a One! And-a Two! And-a Oh!” *thunk* Brook dropped the ball at his feet. It rolled lazily into the gutter as he reached into a pocket. “Why a text from dear Sanji! Hmm, 'lost bastard... blah blah blah... meet you at the car... something something... with love' How delightful!” Brook slid the phone back into his pocket and turned to his friends. Looks like the boys are riding with us on the way home!”
---
Sanji found Zoro sitting cross legged in the middle of the archway by the Ferris Wheel. The ride was dark, the theme park was closing down.
Sanji stood in front of his idiot friend and sighed, “You know what? I don't even care. Now lets go, everyone's getting ready to leave.” He fiddled with the cigarettes in his pocket as Zoro stood. Soon enough they'd be out in the parking garage and he could finally light up. He pulled out his phone and sent Usopp a simple, “Where you guys parked?” The low battery message beeped. Good thing it had lasted this long. All that was left was too dump the idiot, meet the girls by the car, and relax on the long drive home.
Sanji's text tone chimed with Usopp's response, “West side of the garage, top floor.” Geez they had had to park all the way on the roof. At least they were on the right side of the mall. He looked over at Zoro. He had been quiet so far, just staring at nothing, looking sulky. Whatever. Sanji got his attention with a simple, “This way,” and began to walk.
Zoro was quiet all the way into the parking garage, and then all the way up the elevator. Was he sad about being alone all day? Had he spent the entire time being lost? It didn't look like he'd purchased anything. Well he must have bought lunch at some point, and would have paid for the Ferris Wheel but that would hardly be worth the trip. No wonder he looked pretty upset. Sanji almost felt guilty for bumming off Zoro on the Usopp and the boys... almost.
As the two made their way across the roof of the garage Zoro noticed the Merry Mobile. “Wait,” Zoro said. “We're not riding with Nami?”
“No,” Sanji replied while finally lighting up. “You're going with them, I'm going to spend some quality time with our fine female friends.” He pulled the smoke in deeply and sighed with a forlorn expression on his face.
Zoro stared dumbstruck, “That- That's the stupidest- Luffy too?!” They had gotten close enough to the van to spot the other boys.
“Sanji!” Luffy called and waved. “Did you bring some snacks after all?” The boy was sitting on the roof of the vehicle pulling pieces of cotton candy out of a bag and tossing them in his mouth.
Franky rolled down the passenger's side window, “Took you guys long enough! Lets go!”
Sanji held up his hands, “Oh no, I'm still riding with the girls, I just walked moss head up here since the dumb ass couldn't find his own way.”
“Hey!” Zoro glared, “I could have found it on my own!”
Sanji's mocking retort was cut off by Usopp starting the engine. Or at least his attempt to. The ignition whined shrilly as he turned the key. On the third try it caught and the engine roared to life. Usopp poked his head around Franky, “Well whoever is riding better get in now! I want to get home before the sun comes up!”
Sanji rolled his eyes at the van and walked off. Zoro looked from the rattling striped monstrosity to the retreating figure trailing cigarette smoke. Yeah, he'd take Nami's speeding over... that. He turned to follow Sanji. “Oi love-cook! If Luffy wants to ride the death trap that's fine, but don't go pushing it on me!”
“Death trap?” Usopp scoffed. “Don't listen to them Merry!” He rubbed the dashboard affectionately. “They just don't see your personality.”
“Yeah!” Added Luffy as he climbed in the back seat, licking his fingers. “Not knowing what's going to happen is one of the best things about riding with you!”
“Er, right.” Said Usopp, making a mental note to wipe down the seats when they got home. Why why why had they gotten that much candy? The transmission gave a *CHUNK* as he switched gears to drive.
Brook tapped his chin thoughtfully. “You know,” he said over the vibrating hum. “I wonder if that text wasn't meant for miss Nami...” Hmm yes, he thought, the line 'tonight may we be stranded in the starlight of each others eyes' might not have been for Brook. Well, the 'stranded' bit wasn't too far fetched this van, but the rest was more affection than the chef usually showed for the skinny musician. Brook shrugged and leaned back in his seat. He'd have to tell the cook later. What a funny little mishap!
---
Sanji's eyes scanned the lot one more time. He began to sweat as he stared at the empty spot on floor three, row C, section 8. He pulled out his phone. “Battery low, emergency calls only” flashed before the screen went dark again.
“Uh hey,” Zoro started. “We going to the car or what? It doesn't look like we're in the right spot.” He clasped his hands behind his head and glanced around at the obviously empty lot.
Sanji turned and glared at the stupid loaf. His finished cigarette held stiffly between his teeth. “Yeah. I noticed. Give me your phone will you?”
Zoro stiffened beside him. “My what?” he said stupidly.
Sanji held out his hand, “Your phone dumbass! Mine's dead.”
“Uh well...”
Sanji clenched his hand at his sides, “What? Don't tell me you lost it?!”
Sheepishly, Zoro reached into his back pocket and pulled out several pieces of a cell phone. “I uh... dropped it.”
Sanji stood speechless for a moment before gathering the pieces into his hands. “This- This is not dropped. This is destroyed. The fuck even happened?!”
Zoro's embarrassed expression quickly switched to one of irritation. “I- well- you. It was your fault!”
“MY fault?! How do you-?”
“Yeah you! You just- on the phone- yelling at me! I was so angry! And then you just hung up! Before I could say anything! You hung up and I just .” Zoro's anger dissolved as quickly as it had appeared. He looked to the side and sighed. “I threw it.”
Sanji stared blankly at him, “You threw your phone... off the Ferris Wheel.” Zoro nodded. He could hardly believe it. Was he fucking blushing? Swear to god this man he- Sanji pressed both his hands against his forehead. This idiot was going to drive him insane.
“Okay fine,” Sanji continued, brushing his fingers through his hair. “We'll just catch up with the guys and suck up to Usopp's shitty ride.”
---
By the time the two made it back to the roof of the garage they were hardly surprised to see that the Merry was gone. Silently, Sanji walked over to railing and lit up.
Zoro stood a few feet away. Looking confused and upset. Several moments past. “So what now?”
“What now?” Sanji continued to stare forward. “Nothing. Now we sit here under the FUCKING BEAUTIFUL STARS until someone notices we're gone!” He gestured wildly into the air. “I could have had a nice romantic evening with Robin and Nami but NoooOOooo! Someone had to go all green hulking mad and smash our last means of contact!”
“Hey don't you pin this on me!” Zoro stomped over to Sanji. “If you weren't so goddamn picky about everything we wouldn't be stuck standing out here!”
“Why'd you follow me anyways?!”
“What? I don't know! You just went and I wanted-!” Zoro cut off. He seemed to have realized something, but wasn't sure what that something was. He walked the last couple steps to the railing, turned around, and sat on the ground. “You just piss me off,” he muttered quietly.
What was that supposed to mean? Sanji wasn't sure what Zoro was trying to say, or if he was even trying to say anything at all. He opened his mouth to respond, but found his mind drawn blank.
Zoro leaned his head back and looked up at the stars. “It's like... it's like you're a stray cat.” Sanji waited for Zoro to continue. “I don't even like cats, but that doesn't fucking matter! You see a random cat and you just, I donnno, wanna go over and pet it. It's like sometimes it lets you, and you feel all happy and shit cause of that one stupid moment, and other times it hisses and spits at you and tries to claw your goddamn shins, and then you're just so angry cause goddamn you were just trying to show it some goddamn affection and... shit I don't know where I was going with this.” Zoro closed his eyes and leaned forward.
Sanji stood quietly, trying to wrap his head around what his friend was trying to tell him. So he was a cat. That sometimes he was all happy and fuzzy, and sometimes he was all piss and vinegar. Yeah that seemed pretty accurate. So then what was he trying to say? He crouched down to look at Zoro.
“Well if I'm a cat what does that make you?”
“Huh?” Zoro raised his head in confusion.
Sanji pulled another drag. “I'd say you'd have to be a dog. One of those big lumbering monsters that acts all scary, but just sleeps all day and manages to get it's head stuck in a bucket.”
“I- that's not-” Zoro started.
“No, no I'm sure I'm right.” Sanji continued, taking a seat next to Zoro. “You bark and whine and could probably tear my arm off, but you never actually bite, not really. You just care about stuff and shit.” He paused for a moment and looked up, “And even when you get off your leash and run all around the neighborhood chasing cats and cars, no one's actually that mad. They only get upset cause they were worried. They care too, that's all.” Sanji stretched out his legs and leaned back. He turned to see Zoro staring deeply at him, the closeness catching him off guard. He quickly stood up.
“Fucking cat...” Zoro muttered. “You nuzzle up all close and then run off as soon as someone notices.” He stood to stand besides the blonde.
“Yeah, well at least I don't spin in circles and lick my balls.”
“You!” Zoro scoffed. “Goddamn flowery... But seriously what should we do? Clearly something got fucked and both cars left without us. If we're lucky they'll notice we're gone by morning, but there's no way they're going to want to drive back to get our sorry asses.”
“Well,” Sanji said thoughtfully. “There's probably a payphone in the bus station downstairs, but I don't have any change. Do you?”
“No,” Zoro smiled. “But saw a soda machine by that one elevator.”
“How does that help us?”
“What was it you called me? A green hulking monster?
---
A few hours later found Sanji and Zoro shoved in the far back seat of the Merry Mobile. Mall security caught them on tape before they managed to break open the vending machine (and were generally displeased at the pair in general), but they did let them make a phone call. After the boys drove back to pick them up, and after the jeering died down, the crew slowly started drifting off to sleep. The radio quietly playing, car lights streaming by in the dark light, Zoro yawned. Looking down at the sleeping blond leaning against him, he had to admit the stars really were fucking beautiful.