Work Text:
Felix couldn't sleep, he kept tossing around his bed, but he felt like something was missing.
His thoughts having one pretty dimpled smile that was engraved in his memory so brightly, he could never forget it, he could never forget how strong arms were once tightly wrapped around his body and soft lips being pressed form time to time to his bare skin.
He could never forget it.
Felix oppened his eyes that held more moisture than was considered normal and looked at the clock on his nightstand.
It was past midnight.
The bright numbers had no effect on Felix's tired eyes, he has looked at the clock way too often, his insomnia not letting him drift off to dreamland.
Felix let out a sigh and got out of his bed.
He wore a shirt that was way too big and clearly owned by a person with wider shoulders.
It was a warm summer night so he put on a light jacket and went outside for a walk.
Without thinking he went a route that was already programmed in his mind.
Each night it was the same destination, same time and the same reason.
His steps were slow, but he still arrived quickly.
He was now standing in front of the beach.
He let out a deep breath and went to sit at the same exact spot he always sat on, he pulled his knees close to him and layed his head on them.
After 10 minutes of sitting words started leaving his mouth, his mind seemingly lost control of his body and his actions.
"Hi," he mumbled softly, looking at the calm sea, wishing it has always been this calm.
"I have never seen sea be so calm before you left," he chuckled bitterly at the irony of the situation.
"I keep replying it, you know, that day, I told you the waves were too big, but you were always up for a challenge weren't you?" Felix asked with a smile that was so fake it made him want to throw up.
"You said that big waves are the best for surfing and looked so excited, there was this spark in your eyes that always made me cave in, that damn spark and the smile that made my logic disappear, making me agree to everything you wanted, only you could ever do it to me, no one else had as much power over me," his fake smile turned into a real one at the memories floding his head.
"If only I was strong enough to overcome it and stop you from going in the sea," he let out a sigh that erased his smile.
"It's been five months and there hasn't been a single day I haven't regretted it, it's been five months and there hasn't been a day I haven't missed you, it has been five months and there hasn't been a day where I have been able to sleep," Felix's bottom lip was trembling as tears made their way on his cheeks making him stay quiet for a few minutes.
"I don't think I can do this Chan, it's been five months and it never gets easier, I can't be happy without you," he whispered standing up.
"At first I couldn't come to the beach because it reminded me of what happend, but everything reminds of what happend, I can't stop thinking about you and the beach is the only place I feel connected to you," his mouth left the words as he was nearing the sea.
"You always loved the beach, our every other date would be here, hell we even met at the beach," his voice got darker as anger filled the words.
He reached the coast.
He stepped in the water.
It was warm, but it felt weird how the water soaked in his shoes.
He continued to walk.
"I mean how can a surfer not love beach? I remember going to beach every day after I met you in hopes of seeing you, and I did, you were so pretty playing volleyball with your friends, you had blond hair back then it was pretty dead," he laughed, anger leaving his voice by a bit.
The water was now near his knees and getting colder, but he didn't hesitate to take the next step.
"I wish it was just your hair being dead..." he mumbled.
He let out a sigh before continuing to speak.
"But it's not just your hair, you are dead, you are gone and I can't change that, I can't bring you back," his voice was getting louder, while the water got colder and was now below his torso.
"But there is something I can change, I can't bring you back, but I can go to you," he said voice filled with so much hope, it sounded almost manically.
"Because I tried, I really tried to move on, to get on with my life, but I can't. Everything reminds me of you, everyone reminds me of you, everyone looks at me with such pity every day, asking me how I am, what can they do. How am I supposed to move on when no one else has? How am I supposed to move on when it feels so empty? I can't go on with my day feeling like something is missing and it is, you are missing!" He was now shouting and the water has reached his shoulders.
The water was freezing cold and Felix's whole body was trembling, but he had a destination.
"So I'm not trying to move on anymore when it's clear that I lost the best part of my life."
The water now reached his chin.
"But it's alright because we'll be together once again," he said with a smile and took the last step.
Felix reached his destination.