Chapter Text
Peter sat there, in his cramped bedroom in his and Mays' small apartment in Queens, with a blade above his wrist. he'd planned this for as long as his mushed brain could remember back to. wholeheartedly believing this was the right thing to do. still, the anxiety held his hand and caused it to shake. the comfort he thought this would bring dripping out of him in the form of tears. why was he even crying? because he was scared... of what? of being nothing? of people finally having the weight that was him on their shoulders being lifted?
he was selfish.
he was selfish but he still thought to clean his room before he died. he was selfish but he still thought to clean the apartment too, because having that mess and a dead teenager in Mays' (not his, never his. he was never intended to live there) living space was too much to bare. he was selfish but he sold most of his belongings to help May pay off her debt once he was gone. he was selfish but he wrote letters to everybody so they were never left wondering why. he was selfish but he still over-tipped the man at the little deli so he could get himself something nice. Peter was never selfish, it was just another dagger his brain could stab his heart with.
'Stop overreacting. you knew this would happen eventually,' he barated himself. his heart was desperately trying to get him to stop, to think about what he was doing. it was supplying him with images of having fun with May, or nerding out with Ned, or working with Tony on some new piece of tech. his brain was quick to fire reason back at his heart.
'would anybody miss Peter Parker?' his brain would interrogate. the heart would respond by submitting more memories of the people he loved and cared about. he loved and cared about them, and that was why he was doing this, right?
May would have more fun if he wasn't here, she could use the extra money to pay off her debt and go on holidays! maybe she would meet a nice man who would move in. she would be able to date without worrying about getting them hurt because of his stupid Parker luck. even if May wasn't the party in the Bahamas type, her life would be much easier if Peter would stop leeching off her. he'd tried getting a job, but between being Spiderman, Tony's intern, a student, a friend and a nephew, there wasn't much time for him to earn enough money to make a difference. dying would be better.
Ned doesn't particularly need Peter, either. he has MJ, and they get along just fine without Peter. Ned could befriend another Star Wars nerd and have someone useful build his Lego sets. instead of Peter who is so stupidly unaware of his surroundings that he always ends up breaking it. plus, MJ has always been the 'lone wolf' type.
Tony, well this one was easy. Peter always causes Tony stress, whether it be mumbling to himself in the workshop and distracting the genius to having the medbay staff be overworked and underpaid. he's not that useful in the lab either, a monkey would be able to do what he does, probably better as well. everytime Peter is around Tony he always feels.. weird. he's not sure how to describe the heaviness in his gut and longing in his lungs, but maybe it comes with never having a father figure and suddenly your favourite celebrity becoming one. maybe it was the guilt he'd felt when he realised he didn't deserve any of this. Peter B. Parker didn't deserve to be Spiderman.
'would anyone miss Spiderman?' he hates himself for asking the question, yet his anger doesn't devolve into angry white then red lines on his wrist, not anymore. instead he drops his arm down and places his blade sadly Infront of him, fingers just barely touching it. his head turns to see the notes on his desk, each neatly enveloped with a name in legible handwriting on the front. his eyes drift to his phone next to them, screen down on the desk. he knows deep down in his gut he should call someone, but who? who could this child talk to about such an adult topic? so he drops it and keeps wrestling with himself, eyes eventually wandering back to his scared wrist and the blade Infront of him.
the short answer to his question. no. he cannot name a single person in the Avengers who would miss a child who messed up on almost every mission. he always held them back. always. his Spidey-senses often causing him to become overwhelmed or even incapacitated during missions because some amplified explosions and screams were too much for a 17 year old. he needs to get a grip.
not even the city he works for benefits enough from having him for it to be significant. the whole world has the Avengers, so why does Queens need an allocated one? sure, he can stop crimes fast and often, but if the city had to stop paying for the damage he caused and instead put that money to the police, it would be exactly the same. maybe a little better since more people would get jobs being policemen. why was he so special he had to be there constantly?
he could feel himself shake less and less as he reasoned with himself. getting braver, he picked up the blade once again and held it against his wrist, pressing down but not moving it. memories of when he had swiped played in his mind. he had barely been able to shallowly reach fat, and he knows with his advanced healing he wouldn't die from that. once again his eyes and mind wandered over to his phone. who could he talk to about this? who would speak to a child about suicide? such an adult topic. who had he talked about adult topics with in the past? Tony. his mentor. his only remaining father figure. surely him?
but what could he say? 'hey Mr. Stark. y'know how I'm supposed to be your successor and all, well, change of plans. I'm actually going to kill myself! bye!' no. Peter had questions he desperately needed answers to and without realising it, the boy ended up grabbing his phone. scrolling through his contacts until he found Tony's and stopped. his heart pounding sent nausea up his throat. would he really do this? surely dying would be easier than ever admitting he, Spiderman, felt this hopeless?
Spiderman.
he was supposed to be a strong hero who could take anything the world chucked at him, and maybe he was. maybe it was Peter Parker who was the problem all along. maybe Spiderman wasn't useless. but the knowledge that Peter Parker was alive only for Spiderman is what had drained him in the past, wasn't it? it's why he made up ridiculous reasons as to why Spiderman wasn't needed. it's why-
Peter sighed and leaned his head back against the wall next to his bed as he pressed the 'call' button on Tony's contact profile. Peter was sick of the endless circles his mind would drive him in, like a rollercoaster of horror. he wanted help. whether or not he deserved it was a different question for a different day, but Peter knew one thing. he didn't want to die. not yet.