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Ed's laughing as he tries to stand on rum-drunk legs, almost pitching over as they wobble before Stede can catch him. "Let's get you to bed," Stede says, leaning against Ed so he can take enough of his weight to steer him toward the cabin, mostly against Ed's will tonight as he seems to want to stay behind and drink some more. The crew are starting to pack it in anyway, setting up their hammocks and bedrolls and cushions so they can sleep off the rum, but Ed's a little too far gone to notice.
"Hey," he slurs once Stede plunks him down onto the couch. "Hey," he tries again, a little more forcefully, and Stede looks up from where he's kneeling at Ed's feet, trying to unbuckle his knee brace before he pulls off his boots.
"Yes?" Stede asks, kneeling on Ed's foot a little to get him to keep still. He's good at so many things, is Ed, but sitting still is not one of them.
"I want..." Stede keeps working as Ed trails off, finally loosening the knee brace enough to pull it from Ed's leg. Stede takes a bit of liberty and presses his thumb into Ed's knee, working at the tendons he finds. He did it one evening when Ed mentioned his knee was aching more than usual, and it seemed to help, so he doesn't think Ed will really mind.
Ed's eyes refocus when Stede starts pulling off one of his boots, distracting Stede from his task when they land on him. Ed's eyes are lovely, even more so in the candlelight when the soft, flickering glow makes them look like rich honey fresh from the comb.
"I want to kiss you," Ed says, like he always does when he's in his cups. Like he only does when he's in his cups, and there's the rub.
There's the fucking rub.
The first time Ed drunkenly confessed, Stede felt a horrible tug in his chest, a hot, aching thing, like a salt-stiff rope twisted into an untidy knot. The knot grew and grew with each subsequent confession, tied bigger and tighter every time a drunken Ed asked for a kiss. It's big enough now that Stede feels it during the day, weighing him down like an anchor.
The thing is, Stede wants…he wants , and maybe he doesn’t know exactly what, but he knows he doesn’t want to be some drunken, fumbling tryst, hidden away in the night like he's something to be ashamed of. He wants it to be real. He wants it to mean something to Ed, like it would to Stede. He wants it to mean everything.
So the knot in his chest gets bigger, and his answer is the same as it always is.
"Ask me again in the morning. Ask me when the sun kisses your hair --"
"And you'll kiss my face?" Ed interrupts, giggling as Stede finishes with his boots and sets his legs up on the couch.
The knot tugs in Stede's chest. "Something like that. Get some rest, Ed."
"Night night, Stede."
Ed's asleep before Stede crawls under the covers, but Stede lies awake for a long, long time.
Ed's gone by the time Stede wakes. He always is -- a combination of early riser and bad sleeper, Stede thinks -- and Stede tries not to be disappointed that once again, Ed's forgotten what he said when he was drunk. That he's not there to kiss Stede in the light of day, when Stede will be able to tell if Ed wants him or just any warm body in the night.
He fixes his hair and gets dressed, opting for something extra fab to help offset his slightly foul mood. He takes Ed some tea once he's had a bit of breakfast, sweet enough to make the Devil himself gag, just how Ed likes it. And then Stede spends the rest of the day pretending everything is just fine.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Ask me again in the morning, Ed. Ask me when the sun kisses your hair --"
"I'll plant a kiss right there!" Ed slurs, pointing to his own lips.
The knot tugs in Stede's chest. "Something like that. Get some rest, Ed."
"Night night, Stede."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Stede!" Ed cries as soon as Stede walks onto the deck. "Come see!" He takes the teacups from Stede's hand and sets them precariously on a barrel. Stede looks back at them nervously as Ed pulls him to the starboard railing, grinning with an almost boyish glee. "Look!"
Stede looks over the side of the ship, where a large pod of dolphins are leaping in and out of the water. "Oh, I say! Look at them all!" Stede's heard about dolphins swimming with ships, but somehow this is the first time a pod has ever done so with the Revenge . "They're absolutely gorgeous! Isn't it the most wonderful thing you've ever seen?" Stede asks, turning toward Ed.
"It is," Ed replies, though he's not looking at the dolphins. The knot in Stede's chest loosens. Just a bit.
~~~~~~~~~~
"You should tell him," Lucius says one day when he's done transcribing.
"Hmm?" Stede stalls. His heart would be thudding if he still had a heart. Instead, the knot in his chest scrapes along his ribs, up and down, up and down. "Tell what to whom?"
Lucius rolls his eyes. "Tell Blackbeard how you feel about him."
"And how, exactly, is that?"
"Oh, come on, Captain. You really..." Whatever Lucius sees on Stede's face makes him trail off, first in confusion and then in a sort of dawning horror. "Oh, my god. You really don't know, do you?"
"Lucius --"
"He feels the same, you know."
The knot twists and turns. Stede shakes his head. "No. I don't think he does. Or rather, he only does when he's drunk, and I can't...I can't ..." Ridiculously, Stede feels he might cry.
Lucius scoots closer on the couch and takes Stede's hand. "Hey," he says in the gentlest voice, waiting until Stede's looking at him to continue. "It's going to be all right, Stede. It's going to be all right."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Wasn't there something I was supposed to ask you?" Ed says, almost absently, as Stede hands him his morning tea.
Stede's own cup falls to the deck, tea glistening on a hundred shattered pieces. "What?"
"I swear there was something I needed to ask you. Do you know what it was?"
"I -- I --"
"Hmm," Ed hums, eyes narrowing a bit. "I suppose if you don't remember either, it must not have been that important."
The knot in Stede's chest starts crawling up his throat. "No," he just about manages to choke out. "I don't suppose it was."
~~~~~~~~~~
"I want to kiss you. Can I?"
"Ask me again in the morning, Ed. Ask me when the sunlight kisses your hair and your eyes are clear."
Ed catches Stede's wrist as he turns toward his bed. "I will," he swears. "I will."
Stede's pulse jumps as the knot threatens to spill out of his mouth. Maybe Ed can feel it, his racing pulse, under the thumb he’s slowly dragging across Stede's wrist. Maybe he’ll finally remember this in the morning, remember exactly what it is he does to Stede when he talks like this in the flickering dark of their cabin.
Most likely he won’t, and the knot will grow yet again.
"Get some rest, Ed."
"You too," Ed tells him, squeezing his wrist once before letting go.
~~~~~~~~~~
There's a strange gloom in the cabin when Stede wakes, hours earlier than usual if the pale dark is anything to go by. It's strange; he usually sleeps till the sun is much higher in the sky. He wonders if he had a bad dream he can't remember. The cabin floor creaks, and he hears soft muttering, quiet enough that it's unintelligible. Stede freezes and peeks out from the bed nook.
Ed is in the cabin, fully dressed, pacing in front of the windows as he looks out them frantically. He's talking to himself, but Stede can't make out the words. He thinks he catches something like "patience" and "idiot," but those don't really go together at all, so that can't be it.
Ed hasn't noticed he's awoken, so he takes the opportunity to look at him. He's beautiful, even flustered as he is, but Stede always thinks he's beautiful. What Stede wants more than anything right now is to pull Ed to his bed, lay him down to settle in beside him, his head on Ed's chest, and listen to the vibrations there as Ed tells him what's bothering him. He wants Ed's voice to buzz and echo in his ears, wants his heartbeat to drum its way into his bones, beat by thumping beat.
"Yes!" Stede hears Ed whisper, and then suddenly Ed is standing before him, fingers nervously drumming against his own thighs.
"Oh, you're awake," Ed says, a little too loud for how close he's standing.
"I am. Only just, though."
"Come here," Ed says, pulling Stede first to his feet and then to the windows, where the sun's rays have started peeking over the horizon.
"The sun," he says. Stede waits for him to continue. When he doesn't, Stede prompts, "The sun what?"
Ed swallows heavily. He holds up the ends of his hair: the early-morning light limns the beloved strands in pale gold.
"Ask me again," Stede whispers, reverent.
Ed steps closer and whispers back, "Can I kiss you, Stede?"
"Yes," Stede answers, and Ed's lips are on his before he even finishes, pressing a soft, sweet kiss that takes Stede's breath away. It ends far too quickly for Stede's liking, so he pulls Ed close, kisses him again. And again. Glorious, wonderous little kisses that tickle a bit when Ed's beard gets in the way.
"Stede," Ed sighs, breathless and needy and hungry , and Stede knows. With one sighed word, Ed has taken a sword and sliced through the knot in Stede’s chest like Alexander of old.
"Me too," Stede tells him between kisses. "Me too. Come to bed, won't you, darling?"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Can I kiss you?" Ed asks the next morning. And the next. And every morning after. Stede always says yes.