Chapter Text
The first time Toni was in the hospital was when she was five, but that memory has been buried six feet under just like her mother. There are only a few, fleeting details that she can remember, such as the cold grasp of her mother’s hand in hers, the poison-soaked honey that dripped from the doctor’s mouth, and the fluorescent lights that burned into her irises.
At five years old, Toni cannot comprehend “hate”, not really, but she decides that she hates hospitals. As she grows up, that hate festers into something more toxic, an emotion that festers underneath her skin like an infected wound anytime she passes the Dawn of Eve hospital.
There’s bile smoldering in the back of her throat as Martha drops her off at the hospital, a looming, sterile building that makes Toni want to burn it all to the ground and then spit on the ashes. Still, she doesn’t have a choice, not after her actions over the summer.
The proposal was straightforward, volunteer for a few hours each week or get kicked off of the basketball team. Toni can’t risk being kicked off in her senior year, not when she needs to go D1 to further her career. If she can’t get a scholarship, then the world falls on Bernice’s shoulders, and Toni knows that woman has been holding the skies for much too long.
This brings her to now: glaring holes into the white, tile floor as she waits for her chaperone. It’s all a bunch of bullshit if you ask her, but Toni makes sure to staple her mouth shut for good measure. She can’t jeopardize her position here, not when she has so much to lose.
Still, when she hears a familiar Southern accent, Toni can’t resist the curses that fall out of her mouth.
“Toni Shalifoe,” Shelby fucking Goodkind greets, all pearly whites and fake-Southern charm, “welcome to the Dawn of Eve!”
“Of course it’s you,” is all she can cordially say.
“Rule number one, no cursing, rule number two, be kind always, and three, don’t fall in love with anyone here or me,” Shelby says, and when Toni will look back upon this moment, the sentence holds more weight than she’ll ever know.
“Fuck off,” Toni spits then.
(She'll regret it later, regret wasting her time on petty squabbles and trying to protect herself, especially once she realizes their time is limited. No one can cheat death, not even the love of her life.)
Shelby doesn’t seem fazed by the words, a smile never faltering, as she outstretches a hand to help Toni up from the plastic waiting chair. Toni brushes her off, standing on her own, and wanting nothing more than to put a bullet through her brain.
~
“Mason, this here is Toni, she’ll be helpin’ me out from now on,” Shelby smiles, “Toni, meet the best wheelchair racer I know.”
Toni’s eyes unintentionally widen, her eyes locked on the tiny boy on the hospital bed, practically drowning in the sheets. His head is full of patchy, black hair, and his almond eyes light up as soon as he sees her. She can’t summon words, not when she’s still taking in his paper-thin skin, the way his collarbones protrude from his skin, and the shallowness of his cheeks.
“How old are you?” Toni blurts out.
“C’mon Toni, never ask a gentleman his age,” Shelby chastises with a giggle.
“It’s cool, Shelbs,” Mason grins, missing a few teeth, “I’ll be eight in May!”
It crashes into her like a rogue wave, and Toni feels cotton fill her mouth as the thought pulls her under. It’s been unfathomable to think of anyone this young, ever being this sick. To think of anyone this age being attached to so many machines, to think of a kid wondering if he’ll make it to his tenth birthday or not.
Toni has had a hard life, but she’s always known she would have a life. She knows there’s a future, even if she doesn’t have it all figured out. Acid blazes in her throat, and she wordlessly exits the room and rushes to the hallway.
She tries to contain herself but barely makes it to the trashcan before she vomits. Her entire body shakes, shock rolling over her, as she grips the edges of the lid.
A warm hand rubs her back, while the other holds her ponytail back. As soon as Toni’s done puking, she slips out of the embrace.
She misses the gentle look in Shelby’s green eyes and instead roughly wipes the side of her mouth.
~
The rest of the first day goes smoothly, but only because Toni keeps her eyes glued to the floor instead of looking at all the patients they meet.
She can’t look at them, not today, not when everything is too raw and too real and too much and too scary and too-
She just can’t.
The day ends, and Martha picks her up with a bright smile. Toni is silent the entire ride home.
~
They don’t talk at school, even though Toni expects Shelby to flaunt how the basketball player embarrassed herself and couldn’t stomach a simple hospital visit.
Nothing. When they pass each other in the halls, Shelby sends her a smile that Toni doesn’t bother returning.
~
“Shalifoe, you’re on guard duty,” Shelby tells her, as soon as they enter the pediatric ward, “I need you to stand at the door and tell me if you see a woman in a suit.”
Toni’s eyebrows raise, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Less cussing and more guarding,” Shelby waves the concern away and grabs her arm, “c’mon.”
More out of shock than anything, Toni lets Shelby drag her halfway down the hall before she realizes what’s happening, and then rips her arm out of Shelby’s grasp. The blonde’s smile falters before it reappears and Shelby just shakes her head.
“Stand here,” Shelby points to the wall outside of room 205, “I’ll be right back.”
Toni does what she’s told, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as Shelby slips inside of the room. The door doesn’t fully close, and Toni tilts her head to listen in.
“Hey, Emily,” Shelby’s voice is quieter than usual, “I brought your fav. You’ll have to finish it fast, I don’t know when Gretchen will be here.”
“Really?” an excited voice says, “How?”
“I have my ways,” Shelby jokes, “here’s a spoon.”
It’s quiet for a few minutes. The brunette spends her time eyeing the people who pass by, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. What the fuck is going on?
“Shelby,” Emily breaks the silence, voice warbling, “I’m scared.”
“It’s okay, sweetie, I promise,” Shelby tells her, ”just a few more tests and then you’ll be discharged.”
“But, but I look like this!” the girl’s voice shakes, “I’m so ugly.”
“No, no, no you’re not,” Shelby comforts, “look at this.”
A moment, then: “That was you?”
“Yes,” Shelby tells her, “and you look even better than I did. You’re the prettiest girl, ever Em.”
“Really?”
“Would I lie to you?”
“No…”
“See! You’re the prettiest girl and if I could marry you, I would.”
The other girl giggles, “Really?”
“Yes!”
“Okay, okay. Thank you. I’m gonna miss you.”
“You know where to find me, now I need to get rid of the evidence. Call me later.”
“Bye Shelby.”
Toni straightens her posture, staring at the wall in front of her and pretending not to have been eavesdropping. The door’s pulled open, and Shelby walks out with a pudding cup and plastic spoon in one hand.
“Really?” Toni deadpans, “All of this for that?”
“They don’t have chocolate here,” Shelby says, as if it makes perfect sense, and drops the trash into the bin, “now let’s go, we’re supposed to help with dinner.”
~
It gets easier after the first week. They don’t talk, really, not unless they’re with the children, but Toni gets used to the routine. Somedays they visit with a few, other days they see them all, but the only constant is that bright, beaut-, er, smile of Shelby’s.
They still don’t interact at school, but Coach seems happier with Toni, and that’s all the girl could ask for.
~
“Toni, stop it,” Mason laughs, “that’s not fair.”
Toni only pushes his wheelchair faster, as Shelby struggles to keep up as she wheels her own. Mason giggles as they pass the imaginary finish line, and Toni raises her hands in triumph. Shelby merely rolls her eyes at them.
“I want a rematch,” Shelby declares.
“Don’t be a sore loser,” Toni tells her.
“Yeah, Shelbs,” Mason sticks his tongue out.
Shelby laughs at that, and Toni meets her eyes, an unconscious smile on her lips. When their eyes meet, it seems like Shelby’s smile only grows wider.
~
“Toni, wait up!” Shelby calls after her, one day.
Toni turns, arms immediately crossing in shock. She’s walking out with Leah and Martha and doesn’t know what the hell Shelby could want.
“Do you want a ride over?” Shelby offers, “We’re goin’ to the same place, might as well save Martha some gas.”
“She’d love one,” Martha interrupts, shoving Toni slightly forward, “see you at home!”
Toni glares at her sister but doesn’t argue as she follows Shelby to her car. To her surprise, it’s a truck and her eyes widen.
“What did you expect?” Shelby laughs as they get in the car, “A Barbie car?”
Toni’s lack of answer is enough of one.
~
Shelby isn’t a half-bad singer, Toni learns, as the other girl sings along to the radio. There’s something different about her when she’s driving, the Texan seemingly more at ease. Shelby has one hand on the wheel and the other resting in her lap, taking the turns with ease.
(Toni spends the entirety of the car ride staring at Shelby, not that she’ll ever admit it.)
Car rides become a regular thing, and Toni stops arguing after the second consecutive week of them.
(She finds she doesn’t mind the blonde as much as she did.)
~
Toni’s world crashes down during her second month at the hospital. Today, she’s the first one there and races toward Mason’s room. She brought him one of the old racecars she has and pushes open his door without a care in the world.
“Mas-” Toni starts before suddenly stopping, “you’re not Mason.”
Indeed, the blonde teenager sitting in what should be Mason’s bed isn’t the young, Asian boy. Toni feels her heart to the ground, a sense of dread overcoming her. She closes the door with a murmured apology and steps back into the hallway.
“Where’s Mason?” she flags down a wandering nurse, “the boy in 240.”
“What?” the nurse says, “Cynthia’s in 240.”
“Yeah, but where the hell is the boy who was there first?” Toni says.
Behind the nurse, Toni sees a familiar head of blonde hair. Without waiting for a response, she marches forward toward Shelby, whose eyes are puffier than usual.
“Where the fuck is Mason?” Toni yells.
“Toni…” Shelby’s eyes are full of empathy and Toni wants to break something.
“Where is he?” Toni’s voice cracks.
“He’s dead,” Shelby murmurs, “he died this morning.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Toni screams, “Why?”
“Ma’am, you need to calm down,” a passing nurse, Thom, she thinks, tells her.
“I just found out,” Shelby explains, “I’m sorry.”
It feels like the world is spinning, her legs beginning to give out on her as Toni collapses against the wall and crouches down. The racecar falls out of her hand, slamming into the ground with a more deafening noise than a gunshot.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me? I deserved to know,” Tears fall down Toni’s cheeks and she rapidly swipes at them, “he was a good kid, fuck, he was such a good kid.”
“I know, I know, Toni,” Shelby comforts, sitting next to her. Their thighs touch, grounding the basketball player slightly. Without hesitation, Shelby wraps an arm around her, and Toni buries her face into Shelby’s neck, tears soaking her collar.
The moments drag on as Toni sobs, for a kid she barely got to know and a life he never got to live.
She remembers now why she hates hospitals, why she wants to take a match to the cursed buildings and set them ablaze. Wants to feel the flames lick at her palm, wants to smell the billowing smoke, and wants to destroy the very buildings that have taken so much from her.
There’s no smell of antiseptic this time, only Shelby’s lavender perfume, but Toni cries for the kid who never shed a tear.
~
Rule three, don’t fall in love with anyone here or me, Shelby’s words ring in her ears that night. Such a simple phase hits harder now when Toni knows what the weight of love does. Loving the patients only makes things worse, and Toni resolves to distance herself from now on.
But why did she include herself? Toni wonders.
Later that week, the basketball player misses her first volunteer date and expects all hell to rain down upon her. When Coach says nothing, she silently thanks Mason for looking out for her.
(In reality, it was Shelby, because it’s always been Shelby looking out for her, Shelby is a bleeding heart and she’s been bleeding since the very moment that Toni saw her. At this point, though, Toni doesn’t realize it.)
~
When Shelby picks her up, it’s like nothing ever happened. Shelby sings along to the radio and Toni drums her fingers along her thighs and they never mention Mason. She doesn’t know if this is better or worse if this is only putting a bandaid over a bullet wound and hoping it heals.
Their time at the hospital is joyous, serving dinner to the kids and reading them a fairytale. Toni pretends to be the Big Bad Wolf, and the kids all jump on her, and then she pretends to die.
She wonders if her whole life has been spent pretending and if it’s easier now that she doesn’t actually care.
(She does care, deep down, but she’ll never admit it. See? She’s good at pretending, or lying, whatever.)
~
“How’s the hospital?” Fatin asks her at lunch.
Toni’s fork stops mid-air, halfway to her pasta, “Good. Coach put me back on the team and I should only have to go until Christmas, instead of the whole year.”
“And how’s working with Shelby?” Marty teases.
Toni glares at her, “She’s tolerable.”
“Shalifoe admitting that she no longer hates Shelby? Have I died? Pinch me,” Fatin gasps.
“Fuck off,” Toni stabs her food, “we don’t talk, really, we just work together.”
“Sure,” Marty elongates the “e”, “whatever you need to tell yourself.”
~
The lunch conversation spurs something on in Toni, and she begins to notice things about Shelby that she’s never noticed before. She notices the way Shelby fiddles with her cross necklace, the soft blush on her cheeks whenever someone compliments her, and the way her nose scrunches when she laughs.
Oh shit.
~
“Are you ever going to tell her?” Alex, one of the longest patients at the hospital, asks one day.
Toni looks up from her phone. Shelby has left to talk to Gretchen about something or the other, but Toni hadn’t heard what she said. She was too busy staring at Shelby’s lips and wondering what it would be like to kiss her.
“That you like her,” Alex rolls her eyes, “come on, I’m fourteen not five.”
“I don’t like Shelby,” Toni says defensively.
“I never said Shelby,” Alex grins.
Toni curses under her breath, and Alex chuckles.
“Rule number three, don’t fall in love with anyone, especially not Shelby,” Alex recites.
“How do you know that?” Toni’s eyebrows furrow, her grip on her phone tightening.
Alex looks at her like it’s obvious, “Who do you think came up with the rules?”
~
“How long have you been volunteering here?” Toni asks one day.
The kids are all eating in the cafeteria, and Toni and Shelby are chaperoning. Shelby glances up from her phone, hair straight and tucked behind her ears today. She thinks for a second.
“Five years, give or take,” Shelby shrugs.
“Why?” Toni asks.
Shelby’s accent grows thicker, “It’s the best way to give back, if I have the time I might as well help out. Besides, the kids here deserve some sense of normalcy.”
Toni doesn’t think anything of how her accent changes at this moment.
(Later, Toni will realize that her accent gets thicker when she lies, but by then, it’ll be too late. Too late. Too late. The story of Toni’s fucking life.)
~
After two and a half months of volunteering, Toni finally gets to play basketball again. Coach lets her start, and the familiar adrenaline of the crowd and the ball in her hand makes her feel like this is home. She’s so focused on the game that she doesn’t even realize who’s all in the stands, not until she’s lining up to take her penalty shot.
Glancing to the side, her eyes widen as she spots Shelby right next to her familiar bunch of friends. Shelby smiles, big enough for her to see, and Toni blanks.
She misses the shot, of course, because she’s too focused on her warming cheeks. She blames it on overexertion from the game.
(When Shelby serenades her with Taylor Swift in the car the next day, Toni can’t blame it on anything else but the blonde. She’s not in love, not even close, but her massive crush is getting harder to hide.)
~
To her surprise, she doesn’t have to hide it for long.
This is how it happens: Linh’s having a panic attack, and since Shelby is gone for the moment (she keeps disappearing), Toni has to deal with it. She doesn’t have a lot of experience, only having calmed Martha down, but she takes Linh through some breathing exercises and holds her hand.
When Linh calms down, she pulls Toni into a tight hug, which is exactly when Shelby walks in. The blonde audibly coos and Toni awkwardly pats Linh on the back. As soon as they’re done, Shelby and Toni excuse themselves.
In the hallway, Shelby squeals, “I’m so proud of you!”
Toni rubs the back of her neck, “I didn’t do much…”
“This is big, Toni,” Shelby smiles down at her.
And sue her, Shelby is gorgeous and Toni is down horrendously, and she finds herself instinctually leaning in. Her eyes naturally flutter shut, and when she realizes what she’s doing, Toni’s eyes snap open.
“Shelby, I-” Toni starts, before Shelby cuts her off and slots their mouths together. It takes the brunette a second to respond before her eyes shut again and she kisses her back.
It’s hardly the most romantic setting, but Toni relaxes into the kiss. It’s the best first kiss that she’s ever had, not that she’ll ever admit it.
“Just don’t fall in love with me, Shalifoe, and we’re all good,” Shelby murmurs after she pulls back.
“Way to ruin a moment,” Toni snarks and then kisses her again.
~
Everything changes and nothing does, they still volunteer at the hospital, still, drive over together, but they sneak in kiss breaks. Toni finds herself relaxing more, laughing more, and is less bristly when her friends bring up her infatuation with the blonde.
When Shelby sits with them one day and plants a kiss on Toni’s cheek, Fatin loses her shit and Toni resists the urge to punch her.
So, everything changes and nothing does.
That is, until month three.
~
At this point in her life, Toni realizes that nothing in her life goes according to plan. She’s a burden on the ones she loves, even though she tries not to be. Bernice had sat her down once and told her that Martha gives and gives, and Toni needs to be careful not to take too much.
Shelby is a similar person, but it takes Toni three months to figure it out. It happens when they’re supposed to leave the hospital, but Shelby still hasn’t turned the car engine on. Toni didn’t notice it at first, but after a minute passed, she looked over at her girlfriend.
“What’s wrong, Bee?” Toni asks.
“Nothin’, nothin’, I’m fine,” Shelby’s accent is thicker than normal.
“Shelby,” Toni reaches out to hold her hand.
“I’m a fuckin’ fraud, okay?” Shelby suddenly explodes and then takes a deep breath, “I’m lyin’ to these kids every goddamn day and it hurts. ”
“What?” Toni breathes.
“Some of them aren’t gonna get better, some of them are going to die like Mason and they’re not even fuckin’ teenagers,” Shelby’s eyes well up with tears, “they’re going to spend the majority of their lives in this fucked up place and then die, and I’m so tired of lyin’ to them and tellin’ them it gets better.”
“But it does,” Toni weakly argues, “Emily got to leave, so did Jamison, and Lyle, and Linh will be discharged soon and-”
“But it doesn’t get better!” Shelby cries, tears streaking down her cheeks, carving paths through her makeup, “It doesn’t get better, they’re still going to wake up every day and wonder if the cancer will come back, as I do. It doesn’t fuckin’ get better.”
“What did you just say?” Toni feels sick, feels the poisonous rot seep into her bones from Shelby’s words, and start to eat away at her bones.
“I had cancer when I was seven,” Shelby can’t meet her eyes, “myelogenous leukemia. Spent eleven months in this place, that’s how I know all the doctors and nurses. It was gone, and then it came back when I was eleven. Why do you think I volunteer here?”
“I, just,” Toni stutters, “it’s gone, right? It’s gone?”
“It’s gone, it’s been in remission since I was twelve and a half,” Shelby confirms, “but Toni, I still wake up every day and think I might die at any moment. I didn’t think I was gonna make it to thirteen or fourteen or fifteen or-”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Toni cups her face, forcing Shelby to look at her, “I wish you told me sooner, but it’s okay. It’s gone, you’re okay.”
Shelby feebly nods, “I’m scared, I’m fuckin’ terrified that one day I’ll wake up…and, and…”
Toni silences her with a gentle kiss, thumbs rubbing away the occasional tears that still fall down her face, “I’m here, Bee, I’m always here. You’re okay now, I promise.”
“I’m sorry for not tellin’ you,” Shelby murmurs, “I didn’t wanna scare you away.”
“It’s okay,” Toni feels like a broken record, pressing kisses to every surface of Shelby’s face, “don’t worry about me.”
(Toni should’ve figured out sooner how much the hospital and she were the same, they just took and took and took, all under the guise of helping. She’ll look back on this moment with disdain, for everything she never said and all the missed moments.)
~
A firm knock at the door causes Toni to rush to the door, dressed in only basketball shorts and a sports bra. She pulls the door open, to see Fatin in shorts and a t-shirt and Shelby behind her.
“Let’s go, Shalifoe, we’re teaching Shelby how to swim,” Fatin instructs.
“What? You don’t know how to swim?” Toni says incredulously.
“Never had the chance to,” Shelby sheepishly answers.
Resolutely, Toni nods and slips on a sweatshirt. She yells goodbye to Marty and Bernice, before pulling shoes on and following Fatin out the door.
They drive to Fatin’s house, of course, and her heated pool. Fatin lays out under her cabana, soda in one hand, as Shelby undresses and Toni can’t bear to take her eyes off of the girl.
“Stop eye-fucking your girl and teach her to swim,” Fatin yells.
“Fatin!” Shelby says in embarrassment and Toni merely flips her off.
Later, when Shelby is floating in the pool in her swimsuit and Toni’s hand is firmly on her back, Toni will silently thank Fatin for this. For being able to show Shelby something she missed out on, for starting to repair a childhood that was unfairly taken. Toni begins a mental list of all of the things that they both missed out on and resolves to do them together.
“Okay, kick your feet,” Toni tells her, “slowly, you want to keep your balance.”
Shelby follows her instructions, slowly beginning to move. Fatin cheers them on and Toni rolls her eyes. They continue this for a while, Toni instructing Shelby and the blonde dutifully following directions. After thirty minutes or so, they decide to call it, and both lay on their backs.
“You know what my daddy told me?” Shelby breaks the silence, “That no matter how far away you are from someone, there’s a good chance you’re lookin’ at the same stars."
“That’s kind of cute actually,” Toni concedes.
“I wonder what the stars look like up close,” Shelby wonders.
“Not as beautiful as you,” the words slip out.
Shelby turns her head, starting to sink, “What?”
“Shit, that was cheesy,” Toni rotates, “my bad.”
Shelby just splashes her, “It was kind of cute actually.”
“Fuck off,” Toni laughs and splashes her back. Soon enough, the two have fallen into a total war, splashing each other and trying to dodge the other’s attack.
“I created a fucking monster,” Fatin bemoans in the background.
~
texas<3: not coming to school today, sick :( get my homework?
toni: ye, u ok?
texas<3: just a cold, i’ll be back tomorrow, thank you!!
(...It wasn’t just a cold. It wasn’t. But hindsight is 20/20, and then, Toni had none.)
~
When they go to the hospital next, Shelby is a full-on pageant queen, like usual. There are darker circles around her eyes, but Toni only notices because of how close they are. Most of it is covered by makeup.
“I’m just tired,” Shelby tells her, “I’ve been working on a project and it’s exhaustin’.”
“Get some rest,” Toni presses a kiss to her temple, “Nora or Leah can help if needed. I can text them?”
“It’s alright, I can do it, thank you,” Shelby smiles at her and kisses her chastely, “now, c’mon, Big Bad Wolf, it’s your time to shine.”
~
One day, when they’re having a double-date with Fatin and Leah, Shelby is noticeably falling behind. She seems to breathe a little harder, her face more flushed than normal. Too engaged in conversation, Toni doesn’t notice until they’re almost to Fatin’s car.
When she does, she slows down until she’s next to her girlfriend. Entangling their fingers, Shelby rests her head on Toni’s shoulder.
“Sleepy?” Toni asks.
“So, sleepy,” Shelby murmurs.
“You can nap in the car, I’ll wake you up when we get there,” Toni offers.
Shelby kisses her jaw, “Have I told you how much I adore you?”
“You can never say it enough.”
“Well, then I adore you, Toni Shalifoe.”
“And I, you, Shelby Goodkind.”
~
“You’re falling in love with her,” It’s not an accusation, but a statement.
Toni glances over at Alex, where he’s reading his book, “Yeah? And?”
“Rule number three, Toni,” Alex chastises.
“She’s in remission, it’s been years,” Toni says defensively.
“The rules don’t change for anyone,” Alex turns a page in his book, “even for her.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Alex doesn’t respond, and Toni annoyedly gets up and leaves his room, nearly slamming his door close. She doesn’t need his negatively.
~
Flowers show up on her doorstep one day, three bouquets to be exact. One for Martha, one for Bernice, and the biggest one for herself. She picks up the tiny card, even though she knows who they’re from.
I adore you.
Yours forever,
Shelby.
Toni smiles at that. Their love has always been different, but theirs. Toni feels the fiery anger that used to consume her become more manageable. Under Shelby’s touch, she blossoms.
~
It happens at one of Toni’s basketball games. It’s nearing time for the playoffs, and if they win this one, they cinch the number two seed. For such a small high school, that’s nothing short of a miracle. Toni’s life is known for miracles, for giving her Bernice and Martha, for giving her basketball, and for giving her Shelby.
This, is why it’s no surprise to anyone that she scores the game-winning basket. The noise is thunderous, a storm of excitement and joy rolling over her. The fans rain down upon her, teammates grabbing her into quick hugs that she squirms out of if only to see the light of her life.
She finds Shelby even in the chaos and hugs the blonde tighter than ever.
“I am so proud of you,” Shelby murmurs and Toni clutches her tighter.
“Okay, okay, let me have my Shalifoe time,” Fatin interrupts and Toni presses a firm kiss to Shelby’s lips before pulling back. The cello player wraps her into a hug, Dot patting her on the back as Shelby backs up.
Over the noise, Toni faintly hears Martha and Shelby talking, but she can’t make out the words.
That is, until Martha screams.
It’s not a nice scream, it’s visceral, like prey that’s been trapped in a cage. Toni lets go of Fatin immediately, whirling around to see Rachel holding a limp Shelby up, her eyes closed.
“Bee?” Toni yells, cupping her face, “Shelby? Shelby?”
Nothing. Nothing at all.
“Call 911,” Rachel yells to Fatin, and the rest of the world becomes background noise to the rushing of blood in Toni’s ears.
~
“I’ve just been workin’ too much,” Shelby tells her, lying in a hospital bed with a bright smile, “I’ll be out tomorrow, they just need to run some tests.”
“Everything was fine last month,” Her mother, Jobeth, tells Toni, “it’ll be okay.”
Still, Toni doesn’t leave Shelby’s side throughout the night, even when the security guard tries to make her leave. Her glare is enough to make him back off, and Toni clutches Shelby’s hand for dear life.
She doesn’t sleep and instead watches the gentle rise and fall of Shelby’s chest to make sure the girl is still alive.
Shelby will be okay, she has to be.
~
“They’ll tell me tomorrow,” Shelby promises, days later, “I’ll be out before your next game.”
They don’t. Toni checks her phone thirty times before her game, but nothing. No updates.
(They win, but barely, and Toni is benched halfway because she can’t get Shelby off of her mind.)
~
Toni gets the call when she’s in history class with Leah. Even though their teacher is in the room, Toni takes the call anyways.
“Hey, Shelby,” Toni whispers, “what’s-”
“It’s back,” Dave, her father says over the phone, “come to the hospital when you can. Toni…I’m sorry.”
Toni’s entire world crashes down at 1:29pm on a random Tuesday, which somehow makes everything worse.
~
“We caught it early,” the doctor says, “if we put her on a rigorous chemo treatment, it should be gone soon enough.”
At the silence in the room, Dr. Faber continues, “I promise, this is good. It’s treatable.”
Toni notices Shelby’s brave, bright, beautiful smile and hesitantly smiles back. Shelby fiddles with her necklace in one hand as the doctor talks, but the room seems a little brighter, even if it’s all a facade.
That night, Toni finally gathers the courage to ask about the necklace.
“You don’t seem very religious,” Toni tells her.
“It’s not mine,” Shelby explains, “I had this friend named Becca when it was my second time back. We were best friends. She was the first girl I ever kissed. Hey, don’t give me that look, you kissed other girls I’m sure.”
Toni still grumbles.
“She…hers was worse, way worse than mine,” Shelby closes her eyes, “they caught it too late. She was gonna die within the year, and she needed an organ transplant to have any chance of survival, but she was put on the list too late. Becca…she killed herself, couldn’t take a slow death, and wanted to end it on her own terms.”
“Here?” Toni’s voice is soft, softer than she ever thought possible.
“211, why do you think I barely visited Linh?” Shelby’s smile is grim, grimmer than Toni ever thought possible.
“I’m sorry, Shelby, that’s, fuck, that’s awful,” Toni shakes her head.
“It happened a long time ago, it’s alright now, I know she’s happier where she is.”
“Do you, uh, think you’d be happier there?”
Shelby vehemently shakes her head, “Toni, no. I’ve never been happier than right now, with you. Well, maybe not this room, but you get the gist.”
Toni laughs and presses a kiss to Shelby’s knuckles, “You’ll be okay.”
Shelby’s accent gets thick again, “I’ll be okay.”
~
Toni’s life begins a slow, relentless cycle. School, then basketball, then the hospital, and then back home. School. Basketball. Hospital. Home. And then again and again. She spends every waking moment with Shelby, delivering homework and holding her hand as she’s injected with poison.
Some days are better than others, some days Shelby is giggling and smiling and Fatin and Leah come. On other days, Shelby sleeps a lot and Toni is there next to her. Basketball suffers because of it, but she can’t help it. She can’t focus on her dream when the love of her life is trapped in a hospital bed.
Shelby seems to notice because Shelby is too good, too good for her, and too good for this world.
“Don’t give up on your dream because of me,” Shelby tells her one day, skin pale and sickly, voice raspier than normal, “don’t do that, that’s not fair. You follow your dream, go to UCLA or Duke or wherever you wanna go, and I’ll follow you. We’ll make it work, babe.”
“Okay,” Toni promises because Toni would give her the stars if Shelby asked her, “I’ll try harder.”
~
Today is a bad day, and Toni can tell because Shelby’s door is shut. Thom is anxiously pacing the halls, and Toni raises an eyebrow at the sight.
“You shouldn’t go in there,” Thom blurts out, “it’s…it’s not good.”
“Yeah, fuck that,” Toni says and knocks before entering the room. She’ll be there for Shelby no matter what, for sickness and for health and whatever else lovey-dovey bullshit that Martha talks about.
The air smells like vomit and Toni immediately drops her backpack, rushing over to where Shelby is in her bed. She looks so small, in a way that her Shelby never did, and so frail. It looks as if even a breeze could knock her over.
“Get the fuck out,” Shelby says instantly.
“Yeah, not gonna do that,” Toni plops into the chair beside her, “we’re in this together.”
“Are we? Cause you’re just a fuckin’ bystander,” Shelby’s voice is laced with poison and covered in barbed wire, “you’re not experiencin’ it. Your hair isn’t fallin’ out, you get to eat whatever you want, you get to feel the goddamn sun on your skin, and you’re free! Not like me, not trapped in this fuckin’ hell.”
“I know,” Toni says gently and maybe four months ago, she would’ve jumped at the opportunity to yell at Shelby Goodkind, but not now. Not when she knows Shelby, not when she knows her kindness is genuine when she knows what she’s been through. What she’s lost and what she’s loved.
“Fuck you,” Shelby spits, “I fuckin’ hate you.”
“No, you don’t,” Toni’s heart hurts, but she knows Shelby doesn’t mean any of it, “you’re my girl, Shelby, and I’m going to sit here where you like it or not.”
“We should break up,” Shelby says instead.
At this, Toni bites, “Okay, why?”
“Because I’m fuckin’ dyin’!” Shelby screams, “I’m not gettin’ any better, okay? I’m gonna fuckin’ die.”
“No, you’re not!” Toni’s voice raises by instinct, “You’re gonna be fine. And we’re gonna move to California and I’ll play basketball and you can do whatever you want to do and we can make a goddamn life. You’re not dying at eighteen, you’re not.”
“And you know this how?” Shelby says bitterly.
“Because I love you,” Toni tells her, “and I have to believe. I have to believe that’s enough.”
“Rule number three, don’t fall in love with me,” Shelby shakes her head.
“I was always a rule-breaker,” Toni smirks.
“I hate you,” but there’s no weight this time.
“Come on Shelby, say it back.”
Shelby closes her eyes, “I love you.”
Toni just grins, “I know.”
~
Toni would never call herself an optimistic, that was always Shelby’s job. But after spending so much time together, she thinks Shelby rubbed off on her.
Because she genuinely believed that love would be enough, that all their joint suffering meant something.
It had to mean something. It had to be worthwhile, it had to amount to something. All this pain for nothing? Toni calls bullshit on it.
~
Shelby has Dot shave her hair off a few days later, and Fatin names her “Shelbald”. The chemo treatments start to slow down, and Shelby begins to have more and more energy.
She looks beautiful, even though she looks nervous about it. Toni thinks that with a face like hers, Shelby could never look ugly. After a few reassurances, Shelby seems to start relaxing into her new look.
Toni knows that they’ll be okay.
(All this suffering had to mean something, right?)
~
… All of this suffering has to mean something, right?
~
A month passes. Toni and her team win the state championship, and the Unsinkable 8 (as Martha nicknamed them) celebrate with Shelby in her hospital room. Bernice even makes a cake, although Shelby doesn’t partake in it.
“I love you, so, so much,” Toni murmurs, kissing Shelby repeatedly as her friends dance.
“I love you more,” Shelby tells her, gently cupping her face, “you’re gonna do great things, babe. I can’t wait to hear about them.”
“Stop fucking making out and party,” Fatin interrupts.
This time, Shelby is the one to flip Fatin off, and the whole room erupts into laughter.
~
Toni’s life has never been better, besides the obvious elephant in the room. Her grades are doing well, and her mandatory volunteer time is over. Still, she spends every moment she can with Shelby. She needs to make the time count, even though she knows they’ll have a lifetime more together.
“We can live with Nora,” Toni suggests, “Fatin and Leah would just be fucking the whole time.”
Shelby just giggles, “That sounds nice.”
“We can get a place on the beach. We can watch the sunrise every day and go for walks,” Toni rambles, thinking about their future, “I can show you all of my favorite stars and we can swim in the ocean.”
“Can we get a dog?” is Shelby’s only contribution.
“Anything you want, Bee, anything you want.”
“And if I only want you?”
“You already have me, forever.”
“Forever sounds wonderful.”
“We’ll have a lifetime together, don’t worry.”
“I’m not,” Shelby’s accent gets thicker.
(Toni still doesn’t understand why it sometimes does that. She still doesn’t have the courage to ask.)
~
They get the news on December 1st, and Toni has a panic attack in the locker room. She can’t get air in her lungs, can’t focus on anything but the text Dave sent her, and can’t even think past the overwhelming fear and anxiety.
She pukes three times into the trashcan, but her stomach keeps heaving as if there’s something else she needs to get rid of. She can’t get enough oxygen to her brain and the world starts to spin.
Someone, Rachel she’ll later find out, finds her and calms her down. Through a mess of snot and sobs, Toni will tell her:
“It didn’t work. She has three months if that.”
~
Toni wants to ram her Shelby’s car into the Dawn of Eve, wants to douse the entire place in gasoline, and cause an explosion large enough to shake the whole building. She wants to destroy the place brick by brick, inhale all of the smoke and swallow it. She wants to fucking blaze the place to the ground because even all the best doctors in the goddamn state can’t save her girlfriend.
Toni fucking hates hospitals and she fucking hates the truth– that Shelby is dying and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
~
… All of this suffering has to mean something, right?
It didn’t. It meant nothing. Toni was given everything she could ever want, but at what cost? At what horrific, fucking cost?
The scales have been tipped. Toni wasn’t strong enough to hold the heavens, she never was. Her Olympus is crumbling to pieces.
~
There are no more chemo treatments, but Shelby seems weaker than ever. She’s disintegrating, she’s sand falling through the gaps in Toni’s fingers, and there’s nothing that the basketball player can do about it. Her smile isn’t as bright, her laugh isn’t as loud, and her voice is weak, often a rasp.
Bernice makes her cookies, and Shelby eats one before she rushes to the bathroom and vomits it up.
The Unsinkable 8 exchange Christmas gifts, even Leah who’s Jewish, on December 8th, their own unofficial holiday. No one dares say what they’re all thinking, that no one believes Shelby will live until Christmas.
Toni gives Shelby a star, named after her and with the coordinates on it. Fatin and Leah give her a floatie, and then a picture of the four of them. Martha gives her a stuffed bear, Nora gives her a book, Dot gives her an engraved bracelet, and Rachel gives Shelby a personalized Shalifoe jersey.
To all their surprise, Shelby gives them all gifts. Martha gets a real bunny rabbit (which Toni didn’t even know she wanted), Nora gets an annotated book about prehistoric times, Dot gets an engraved knife (how the fuck were those Texans so similar), Rachel gets the new basketball shoes she’s been wanting, and Fatin and Leah get matching jewelry pieces.
And Toni gets a journal. When she flips it open, she sees Shelby’s beautiful handwriting and knows immediately what it is. It’s Shelby's entire story, and theirs intertwined, it was Shelby's secret project this entire time. She cries like a baby at that, and Shelby holds her hand the entire time.
“I love you guys, so, so much,” Shelby tells them, “thank you for making this year the best year of my life.”
All of them burst into sobs, and at least now, Toni isn’t the only one crying.
~
Her Shelby has always been a fighter though, and Toni was wrong to doubt her, even for a second.
Shelby graduates early in December, getting her degree in the hospital. She lives through Christmas, and Toni spends half of the day with Martha and Bernice, before combining their families in the hospital.
On New Year’s Eve, they share their first and last New Year's kiss. It’s bittersweet, and Toni isn’t sure whose tears she’s tasting when they kiss.
“I am so proud of you,” Shelby murmurs, “and I think I was in love with you ever since the day Mason died.”
“I love you more, forever,” Toni tells her, “and we’re going to get that house we talked about, okay? With that beach view.”
“I can’t wait to see you in the WNBA,” Shelby smiles.
(If love made people live forever, Shelby would’ve outlived them all.)
~
In the end, Shelby dies on January 11th, a Tuesday of all days. They can all tell it’s coming, and spend the two days prior all crammed like sardines in her tiny room. Her face is paler than normal, and she barely speaks. Her skin is paper thin, cheeks shallow. Her eyes look sunken in, no longer the vibrant green that Toni fell in love with. Her smiles look more forced, although they still exist, and Toni kisses her as many times as possible. All of their gifts cover the tables, and Shelby has Nora’s book by her side and Martha’s stuffed animal under her arm. Fatin and Leah’s picture is on the side table, with Shelby’s star on the wall behind her.
She dies wearing the jersey, with the bracelet that Dot gave her on her wrist. Becca’s necklace is still around her neck. Toni holds her hand, watching the life leave her eyes, and is hit with a sense of deja vu as she watches the rise and fall of her chest until it ceases. On the other side, Jobeth and Dave hold Shelby’s other hand.
Shelby Goodkind dies as she lived, surrounded by people who loved her and supported her. She dies, but she still lives on within them and always will.
~
Two weeks pass before Toni gets a random knock on her door. Life has never been harder, and the day of the funeral was the worst day of her life. She was asked to make a eulogy, but can’t stumble out any more words than nothing I say will ever do Shelby Goodkind justice.
In shock, she looks down at the three bouquets at her door. One for Bernice, one for Martha, and the biggest one for her. She doesn’t hesitate to pick up the little card.
I love you and always will. I can’t wait to see you in the WNBA, I can’t wait to be your number one fan up there. I’ll tell Mason you said hello. Take care of yourself, Toni, and don’t burn the hospital down (even though Gretchen’s a bitch). You were the best person to ever happen to me. I’m glad you broke rule number three.
Yours forever,
Texas
(Later, Toni will find out from Jobeth that Shelby scheduled the flowers once a month for the next six months, all the way back in November.)
It doesn’t make what happened any easier, but that day, Toni smiles for the first time in two weeks.
~
Rule number three, don’t fall in love with anyone here or me , Shelby told her, all that time ago.
Toni regrets none of it, if anything, she wishes she fell in love sooner. But gazing up at the sky, looking at the moon, she has the sense that wherever Shelby is, they’re looking at the same thing.
She can only hope, she can only believe now. And she’s never believed in anything or anyone more than Shelby Goodkind.
~