Archive of Our Own ^beta

There was this boy in his class Killua couldn’t keep his eyes off.

He had black spiky hair and he wore the exact same thing to class every day: the same green shirt, green pant, green shoe combination.

It was what drew Killua’s attention to him in the first place. When Killua saw his outfit the first day of grade school, he thought, “Wow, that kid’s bold”, curious to see more from him, and then the boy wore it again and again and again. Killua thought it was cool in its own way (though he’d never do the same), it made him sort of iconic. As iconic as you could be in an average run-of-the-mill school.

Killua soon discovered his name was Gon. He was a nice but odd kid. He always had dirt smudged on his face, and his shoes looked one strong kick away from tearing apart. He smiled at everyone and seemed popular enough. At least now. He let insults slide off of him—he was as thick-skinned as he was thick in the head. Not that Killua knew him very well, but the kid didn't seem to understand when people made fun of his clothes, or his hair, or anything else they thought relevant to point out. He took every insult with a smile, and a bright “thank you!” To give him credit, if he did realise and did it on purpose to get them to back off, it worked. After a while of his overpolitedness, people stopped making fun of him, and sort of accepted his green excitable weirdness. Now tons of people liked him.

Killua was strangely drawn to him too. Not that Gon knew it at all. And for three years Killua was happy to watch from a distance and never speak a word to him.

~

Killua felt the weight of a stare before he heard it: “You’re making a funny face.”

He glared up at whoever said it, scathing remark ready on his tongue, but the words died in his throat. Facing him were bright brown eyes and the toothy grin of Gon looking down at him curiously.

Killua thought he was a level-headed person. Able to withstand pressure and sudden appearances. But being faced with the boy he’d admired for years, made him forget how to form words. Instead of being nice—how he’d planned to do if he ever mustered up the courage to talk to him—he said, “I wasn’t making a face,” with much more offence in his voice than necessary.

Gon just blinked down at him innocently. “So you’re telling me that scrunching your nose is your natural state?”

Killua very pointedly doesn’t do exactly that.

The way Gon’s eyes sparkled told him he failed.

Killua huffed. He wasn’t very sociable on the best of days and being jumped by Gon wasn’t helping matters. But he wanted to try. Try being friends with him, maybe.

Killua ignored a chilly voice echoing in the back of his head that he didn’t deserve that.

Gon peered down at the math homework Killua was doing before Gon interrupted him, and perked up. If he were a dog, Gon’s tail would be going a million miles an hour.

“You know how to do the homework they set us?”

He looked so amazed, Killua didn’t know how to feel. He shrugged. “It’s no big deal…”

“You’re kidding right? Math is the worst.” Gon pulled up a chair and plopped himself right next to him. “Do you mind working on it together?”

“You mean, do I mind helping you?”

Gon blinked at him innocently. “Possibly?”

Killua considered rejecting him, but he reckoned it wouldn’t help much with the making-friends-with-Gon thing he wanted to do.

He sighed, acting much more exasperated than he felt inside, and said, “Fine.”

~

Killua wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he had no friends. He didn’t think he was a loser, but people weren’t… interested. And it wasn’t like his family encouraged it either. He shivered. They actively discouraged it. They were a rich family, and they’d beat it into his head that anyone wanting to be friends was just taking advantage of him.

As Gon took his hand in his own sweaty one and excitedly led him to his favourite tree in the yard, Killua didn’t think Gon was even capable of it.

The point was–Killua was out of practice. More than. He had no experience. So he planned on just seeing what Gon did, and if he liked it, do it too.

Gon plonked himself on the ground right on the dirt, and Killua followed. But he had no idea what to do next, what to do with his hands, what to say. He thought he should probably just be himself, but what if Gon didn’t like that? It was an insane thought. He never usually cared what others thought of him. But for some reason he wanted to impress this freckled boy with grubby hands and defined canine teeth.

“Thanks again for helping me with math,” Gon said, leaning back on his hands. “I would’ve been a goner.” He giggled to himself. “Heh, get it? Gon. Gon-er.”

Killua snorted, not because it was funny, but because of how ridiculous the ‘joke’ was. “That was the worst.”

“Nuh-uh, math is definitely the worst.”

Killua realised he didn’t have to worry much about impressing Gon. He seemed impressed by the smallest things. When Killua pulled out his sandwich, plain peanut butter and jelly, Gon gawked in amazement, he was practically drooling.

“That looks so good!”

Killua took a bite out of it, and could admit it was a good sandwich. “So where’s yours then?”

Gon blinked, “Oh, I already ate mine before!”

Killua wondered when he had time for that with class, but Gon had already moved on, digging into the dirt with a stick, so the question slipped his mind.

Gon also complimented his clothes, and how fluffy his hair was, and Killua felt like he was one nice word away from exploding. He felt so warm it rendered his jacket useless, but Gon didn’t seem to mind. He was easy to talk to. He just rattled off whatever came to mind, and Killua found himself more often than not teasing Gon goodnaturedly. It was easy, and by the time the lunch bell chimed, Killua found his cheeks were hurting from smiling so much.

~

Gon started sitting next to him in class. He was constantly moving, either fidgeting, or shaking his leg, or biting his lip, or sitting glaze-eyed at the board with his fingernails between his teeth. 

He was constantly whispering something in his ear making him laugh, and Killua would make a sly remark back, cracking Gon up too, getting them into trouble. Killua’s grades had never been worse, but he’d also never been happier, so he thought it was a pretty good trade. As long as he didn’t slip up too much, his family would never know.

“So what’s so special about this tree?” Killua asked one day when they were sitting under it.

It was just… a tree. It wasn’t even particularly big, but Gon had proclaimed it his favourite. There must be something special about it.

Gon cocked his head in thought. “It’s lonely.”

“What?”

“It’s on it’s own. It’s the only tree on this side of the yard. I felt bad for it so I started sitting here, and then it became a habit.”

“You felt bad for a tree?”

“Sure, why not? They’re alive too.”

“But they’re not sentient.”

Gon shrugged. “Everything deserves love.”

Killua couldn’t help but stare. Gon’s words ingrained themselves into something deep within Killua. Barely making a dent, but still, they stuck. Gon’s eyes were intense, still bright, but something lingered there. Something darker. It made Killua wonder what lurked behind Gon’s lightheartedness.

It hadn’t evaded Killua’s notice that neither of them talked about very personal stuff. Killua understood why, sometimes people had things they wanted to hide. But it was a bit strange—Gon was such an open person in every other aspect of his life (whether openly boasting about how good of a poo he’d just had, or complaining about being tired after staying up until four am) Killua thought he would be the type to share everything. But he wasn’t.

~

By the time classes were done for the day, Killua felt like his brain was fried. So he was barely coherent when his frazzled brain decided to ask Gon, “Wanna walk home together?”

Killua had no idea if they lived close by each other, or whether Gon even walked home or got picked up, but Killua didn’t want to go home. He was tired, and his brain hurt, and he knew none of that would get any better if he went home now.

If he wasn’t so tired or desperate, he wouldn’t have asked, too scared of rejection. But Killua considered Gon his friend now, no matter Gon’s thoughts on the matter, so it was like a slap to the face when Gon’s face crumpled a bit and said, “Uhh, sorry, is it okay if we don’t?”

Killua’s stomach started twisting in on itself, and his voice cracked embarrassingly when he said, “Sure! Yeah… no problem.”

Gon smiled sadly. “I’m sorry. I really want to, but… I can’t.”

Killua nodded jerkily. “I get it.”

Killua waved an awkward goodbye and almost ran off. He couldn’t bear to look at Gon again.

He knew logically he was being irrational. Gon wasn’t rejecting him, he just couldn’t do it today. And that was okay. So why was his vision blurring? Why was his heart racing so hard? Why did he feel like vomiting?

The walk home was entirely too short. He’d barely calmed down at all by the time he got to the front steps. He just hoped that no one was home. Not taking any chances, he opened the front door without making a sound, ran up the stairs, and into the comfort of his room, locking the door behind him. 

Gon hadn’t even given him his social media, or his phone number so they couldn’t talk outside of school. Maybe he didn’t want to be his friend?

~

Dinner was quiet as usual. Mother and father spoke in quiet tones, and Milluki wasn’t here, too busy with his video games to attend. Illumi, thankfully, was still away. Killua didn’t say a word.

Killua barely listened as his parents talked. They cycled through many topics: plans on getting a new butler, gossip about their neighbours, arranging to get more security outside the gate. Some animal was making a mess of the trash.

~

Killua’s worries were washed away the next day, when he found himself being squeezed to death by an apologetic Gon, in what Killua realised was a hug. Despite how much it hurt, it felt… nice.

Gon was almost blubbering when he said, “You looked so upset yesterday, I didn’t want you to think I didn’t want to, I'm just… having troubles at home.”

Suddenly, Killua felt like shit for making it all about himself.

“I get it, you don’t need to explain. I’m just glad we’re… friends.”

“Why do you sound so unsure?”

Killua averted his eyes. “I don’t know, maybe because you have so many, I don’t know if I qualify.”

“Killua! Of course you’re my friend!”

“Oh okay.”

Gon nudged him in the side with a smile. “Don’t look so grumpy about it”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“I’m not!”

“You are!”

~

Illumi was home. Killua heard him before he saw him. He had been listening to music and doing pretty much anything except homework when he heard his laugh echoing up the stairs.

Killua was sick of him already.

~

Killua escaped out his window. His parents had made sure he was physically capable of stunts like this with their intense physical training from a young age, so if he escaped from time to time that was their own doing.

Killua trudged down the driveway. He didn’t know where he was going, but it was going to be far away from here. It was dark by now, and there was a chill to the air that had him regretting not wearing another jacket. But his worries were squashed when he heard a rustling just outside the gate. His ears pricked up and he stilled. But there was no sound now. Just as he was about to continue on his way he heard it again. A rustling sound. It was something big. An animal perhaps? He was suddenly reminded of what his parents were talking about at dinner the other day. Maybe he was going to catch what was making such a mess?

He crept his way up the driveway and peered outside the gate, and right there, to the side, was someone in the garbage bin. He couldn’t see who it was with only a singular lamp lighting the area, but it was undeniably someone flinging ripped bags out. It was gross and he thought he should probably tell his parents, but he didn’t really see it as a problem besides there being a mess on the lawn. He wouldn’t rat whoever it was out. He wouldn't wish his parents' wrath on anybody, and this person probably had enough problems already if they were hungry enough to do something like this.

Killua was about to go on his way, letting whoever was there to do their thing, because who was he to judge?

But then he froze. The figure had stood up, and Killua was faced with the undeniable face of Gon.

He didn’t know what to do. Should he leave? Pretend he was never here? Should he say something?

He didn’t have time to do anything, because the next second Gon’s eyes met his, and they were stuck, frozen.

Gon’s jaw dropped, and he stood still with a garbage bag in his hands. His eyes were wide with shock but they very quickly morphed into something darker, a mix of shame and humiliation and fear.

“I–” Gon stuttered out. “It’s not what you think.”

Killua didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand. Gon was so bright, so happy, it was jarring seeing him like this. Dark and covered in garbage. But Killua wasn’t disgusted. He wanted to help him. It wasn’t right for Gon to be like this—for anyone to be like this.

At Killua’s silence, Gon’s face dropped, his bottom lip quivering. In the pale orange glow of the lamp, Killua could see Gon’s eyes fracture.

Before Killua could blink, Gon had flung himself out of the bin, and started running.

“Wait!” Killua called out, but it was too late. Gon had disappeared into the darkness.

~

Killua’s mind was too muddled to run off as he had planned. He just sat. He sat until his parents came looking for him and he got a scolding. It didn’t even hurt this time—he was too busy thinking about Gon.

Things started to make sense—why Gon didn’t have a phone, why he wore the same thing every day, why he never had lunch with him, why he didn’t want Killua walking him home.

If Gon was desperate enough to go dumpster diving, how could he afford anything else?

~

Killua had come to the conclusion that he should act completely normal. Not to the extent of pretending that it didn’t happen, but to show Gon that it was okay. Killua didn’t know exactly why he needed to rifle through people’ garbage, or his in particular (though from the look on Gon’s face, Killua was sure that it was completely accidental), but whatever the reason was. It was okay.

But Gon didn’t come to school.

Nor the next day.

Or the day after that.

Killua’s stomach gnawed with worry and anxiety for Gon. If he didn’t have food to eat, was he at least somewhere safe? He realised with dawning horror that he knew nothing about Gon. Nothing that really mattered, at least. Gon could be in trouble right now, and Killua would have no idea where to go or how to help him.

He was desperate enough to ask a teacher, who looked rightly surprised that he was talking to her—he never said a word in class unless he was forced to, and even then it was usually paired with something sarcastic.

“Do you know where Gon is?”

She kept typing on the computer. “He’s called in sick for the last few days now.”

“I know that, but do you know where he lives?”

She fixed him with a stare. “You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Please,” he said. I think he’s in trouble, he wanted to say. But he didn't even know if that was true.

“I’m sorry Killua, but addresses are confidential. You’ll just have to ask him yourself when you see him next.”

Killua rolled his eyes, and bit back a curse. What use was it then? He needed it now.

Killua slept restlessly that night, filled to the brim with worry.

~

He’d barely slept so he was so lacking in sleep he thought he was hallucinating when he saw a splotch of green in the corner of the room the next day.

“Gon?”

Gon didn’t look up at him, his stare fixed on the book in front of him. Killua knew he was purposefully ignoring him—Gon hated reading.

Gon had his back placed on the chair next to him, but Killua moved it out the way, and sat on it.

Gon responded with nothing but a tiny pinching of his eyebrows, his stare remained determined on the book.

“Gon, please look at me.”

Gon did nothing.

“Listen, you don’t need to explain yourself. I don’t understand completely… but I don’t care. I mean—I care about you, but I don’t care about the situation—I mean, of course I do because it’s horrible, but—fuck. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not judging or anything, or think less of you.”

Killua had never felt so stupid in his life.

Gon put down his book. “That’s the bare minimum.”

“What?”

“Not thinking less of me. Just because I’m homeless and need to eat out of the trash doesn’t mean anyone should think less of me.”

“O-okay.” Only Gon could make him stutter like this.

“You don’t understand.”

“What?”

“I’ve ruined it. Our friendship.”

“You will always think less of me, it always happens. You say that it’s not, but it’s always different. Always.”

“Gon—” Killua was cut off by the teacher clapping her hands together and starting the class. Killua glanced worriedly at Gon, who was looking straight at the teacher.

Gon’s face was pink with embarrassment.

~

By the time it was recess, Gon was already on his way to the door. Killua dodged, and ducked, and even pushed one kid through the halls to keep up with him, and by the time Gon had made it to the tree, Killua was right behind him.

Gon glared up at him, and Killua smiled, trying to break the tension a bit. “Hey, this is a pretty bad hiding spot. I would’ve found you anyway.”

Gon ducked his head, and Killua carefully placed himself next to him.

Gon was silent. And it was so fucking wrong. For as long as Killua had known him, even before they started talking, Gon was loud, whether he was talking or moving or just existing, his presence was loud and demanded everyone’s attention. So to see him here, subdued and quiet, it was like the world had stopped spinning.

Killua had to say something. Anything. Just so that he could here Gon talk again. But he made a mistake.

“Gon, I have food I can get you. Leftovers. So you don’t have to scavenge for it. I can get you other things too, if you wanted.” Killua had thought about it a lot. He was good at hiding and sneaking and stealing. It was in his DNA. And if he could use it for this, that’s even better. But Gon didn’t like that answer.

His face morphed into something ugly, and he exploded. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but Killua realised that under that quiet was something massive vying to escape, and Killua had just allowed it to break the surface.

“This is what I mean!” Gon’s eyes were wild. “I don’t want your money or your food or your pity. You barely know me! Why should you care! We’ve known each other for what? A month?”

Usually, that would’ve shut Killua up. But instead, the implication that he didn’t care (Gon was the only person he cared about now) caused something like anger to boil in his gut. His voice was quiet when he spoke. “Because you’re my friend. My only friend. The only friend I’ve wanted.”

Gon’s mouth snapped shut.

“I–I’m not good at making friends," Killua continued, "but I wanted to try. For you. So I do care. Even though we haven’t known each other for long. And it’s not pity, it’s just—doing something for a friend. You would do the same for me.”

Gon glared at him. “But I can’t. That’s the problem. This relationship will never be equal. Because I’m dirt poor and you’re loaded, and I’ll never be enough for you. And if you help me, it’ll only make it worse.”

Killua wanted to comfort him. “Gon. It’s food that would’ve been thrown out anyway. It gets wasted every day. It would be worse if I didn’t give it to you. And you deserve to eat.”

“Don’t you think I already know that?”

Gon’s eyes were filled with tears, and some were already streaming down his cheeks. Killua itched to brush them away, but he’d never touched someone on his own before. His family wasn’t much of a fan of casual affection.

So he sat there and watched, feeling stupid and useless, and wishing he could do more to help his friend.

“I can’t accept this,” Gon said. “I can’t make it even with you, I don’t want to owe you, I want to be your friend. Equals.

“We are equals.”

“We don’t even know each other.”

“That’s not true. I know you still like to sleep with a teddy bear every day. I know you’re trying to quit biting your nails. I know you do understand math when someone just takes the time to explain it to you. And if it’s a problem of not knowing enough about me, then feel free to ask me anything. I’ll answer for you.”

Gon was glaring at him, but it didn’t seem as genuine as before. Especially with his lips quirking up a tiny bit at the side.

“You can be vicious sometimes, Killua.”

Killua grinned. “I try to be.”

They sat, listening to the sounds of the busy school yard until Gon spoke. “Okay… I-I accept the food.”

Gon’s cheeks were pink, like he was embarrassed to say it. So Killua didn’t make a big deal out of it. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Cool.”

Gon continued, voice quiet. “And I’ll tell you more about… about why, when I’m ready.”

Killua smiled. He smiled so much more around Gon. “There’s no rush.”

~

Killua was a bit worried about sneaking the food out, not because he thought he’d get caught but because the butlers could’ve thrown it out already. But he planned well. As soon as dinner was done, and the main chef was on his cigarette break, Killua crept into the kitchens and found plates of leftover food sitting on the bench, waiting to go in the trash. He quickly scoured for plastic containers to hold the leftovers. After he swiped the food off the bench and scooped it into the containers, he headed up to his room, hoping the butlers just assumed that someone else had already thrown it out. They had multiple staff afterall.

Killua chucked the food in the mini fridge in his room, and went to sleep peacefully for the first time in days.

~

Gon’s eyes lit up when he saw the food.

They were under the tree, and he was staring at the tub of beef and pasta like he hoped to consume it with just his eyes. But when Killua tried to press it into his hands, Gon drew away, his eyes turning downcast.

“Please take it,” Killua said. When Gon made no move, Killua sighed loudly, and sat back on his hands. “Gee, it would be such a waste to get rid of it now, especially when I risked my own life to get it.”

Gon’s eyes flashed. “Don’t be dramatic.”

“Then eat it.”

Gon’s gaze flickered between Killua and the food in his hands, and then he broke. He took the container. Killua watched as he took a bite of the pasta, and his stomach swooped at the grin that broke out on Gon’s face.

“That’s delicious.”

Gon started scoffing down the food, and Killua just watched with amusement, uncaring at how, quite frankly, disgusting Gon was eating it. He looked so happy.

Gon’s fingers were greasy (because Killua forgot to get him cutlery) but even that didn’t seem to be a problem. He licked his fingers clean, and when he was done, he lay down on the dirt and patted his belly, looking full and satiated.

“You ate that in less than two minutes.”

Gon glared up at him, but his eyes were gleaming. “You try not having a proper meal for weeks and see how fast you eat.”

Killua suddenly felt very awkward, his skin not feeling right on his body. He couldn’t imagine it. He’d lived with butlers at his beck and call his whole life. He’d never gone hungry. He didn’t understand why he had that, someone who was selfish and scowled too much and had a potty mouth, when Gon, who was so kind to everyone, struggled to get a meal.

“I’ll get you more. I’ll bring you something everyday.”

Gon looked at him, his round eyes calculating, then nodded. “Okay then, sounds like a deal.”

~

As the weeks went by, Killua stealing food from the kitchen and—the times the chefs had already thrown out the food—stealing directly from his parents’ wallet, Gon became brighter, more energetic.

Killua didn’t think it was possible—he was already such a hyperactive kid, but as soon as he started getting proper meals, Killua saw the differences in him. Looking back, his cheeks had looked a bit too gaunt, his knees were a little too knobbly, his ribcage a little too noticeable. But now, he had grown a bit, his skin glowing. He looked healthier, happier.

Even in class, Killua noticed a difference. He didn’t see Gon staring out the window nearly as often—he even got through one set of homework without getting distracted once.

“It’s because my stomach’s not growling all the time,” Gon explained. “I can actually concentrate now.”

Killua smiled, and said teasingly, “You’re still crap at math though.”

Gon elbowed him in the stomach and Killua nudged him back.

~

Killua was a mess. He hadn’t slept a wink. He knew his hair looked like a rat’s nest and he had sleep in his eyes and his clothes were rumpled to all hell but he didn’t care. Illumi came home last night, and apparently he would be here for an indefinite amount of time, and Killua… he couldn’t take it.

As soon as he got to school and saw Gon, his entire body sagged with relief. It didn’t matter what the fuck Illumi said to him–about how useless he was and how pointless it was to defy him–when he was around Gon.

Gon would make it better.

“Hey!” Gon said, when Killua sat next to him.

“Hey,” Killua said back, his voice sounding more tired than he intended.

Gon’s eyes flickered over him, and Killua wanted to curl in on himself. Gon’s eyers were filled with concern, and he felt strangely vulnerable having him look at him with such intensity.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s… nothing.”

“It’s obviously not nothing.”

“My brother… he’s home. And he’s not nice. At all. And my family doesn’t care either… they encourage it.” He didn’t get into specifics, but Gon seemed to understand anyway.

Gon’s eyes flashed, “Then they’re not family. If they don’t care, they’re not family.”

“They’re all I have. It doen’t matter how they treat me, I have to stay with them.”

“That’s so wrong!” Killua could practically see the steam coming out of his nose. “You don’t deserve that, Killua.”

Killua shrugged.

“You don’t,” Gon insisted. He huffed, getting worked up about something he didn’t even know fully about. For Killua. It made him feel warm. “Man, I want to beat them up!”

Killua laughed bitterly. “I don’t think that would work.”

“Can I hug you instead?” His words came out suddenly and Killua froze.

He wanted to say no, not because he didn’t want it, but because he didn’t know how to hug. But he looked up at Gon, and he looked so warm and reassuring in his oversized green shirt and with his kind eyes, so he nodded.

Gon’s face lit up, and he immediately pulled Killua into a hug. Gon’s arms wrapped around his middle, leaving Killua’s dangling uselessly beside him. He suddenly felt completely out of his depth. God, Gon was probably judging him because he was just standing there like a dumbass, and Gon was—

“Squeeze me like I’m a tube of tooth paste.”

All of Killua’s frantic panicked thoughts froze, and he burst out laughing. “What?”

Gon huffed a laugh. Killua could feel it on his neck.

“You heard what I said. Wrap your arms around me like I’m a massive tube of toothpaste. And squeeze. Not too hard, though. But that’s essentially what a hug is!”

“Uhh,” Killua still felt nervous, but trying this with Gon, who was ridiculous, suddenly made it less daunting. And Gon felt so warm, it was hard not to want to get closer. So he did as Gon said, basically just copying what Gon was doing to him, and suddenly they were hugging.

And it felt amazing.

He immediately melted into it. They were so close together, and Gon felt so warm, and embarrassingly enough he felt like crying. How could he have missed out on this his whole life?

Gon smelt like hearth, and something earthier. Killua was hyper aware of every point of contact between them. He never wanted to let go, but not even a minute in the school bell rang for first class.

When they pulled away, Killua’s skin felt on fire. It screamed for another hug, but they had to go. Killua thought he should probably be embarrassed—they just hugged at school, where anyone could see, but he found he didn’t care at all.

Gon himself didn’t seem to care, he just smiled, and said “Nice!” before swinging his bag over his shoulder and heading to class, Killua following him. 

Killua couldn’t help but say, “Sorry for talking about that, I know I sound super spoiled.”

Gon’s face immediately scrunched up, “No!” Gon yelled, drawing attention to a few people in the halls. “My sob story doesn't make your problems any less hurtful.”

“Thanks…”

Gon looked angry at him. “No acting weird okay. You promised. We can tell each other about our problems, okay?”

“Okay.”

Gon nodded, and that was that.

~

It worked for a while–Gon was fed and happy, and everything was good. But it all went to hell when Illumi caught him in the kitchens. Killua should’ve known that his luck would end when Illumi returned. It was just a matter of time. His brother constantly watched what he did. And Killua may be good at remaining undetected, but Illumi was even better at stalking people.

“Well well well, we have a rat in the house,” he said, scaring the shit out of Killua. “What are you planning on doing with all that food?”

Killua’s mind scurried for an answer, but Illumi beat him to it. 

“It’s for your little friend isn’t it?”

Killua only just barely managed to not drop the food in his hands.

Illumi laughed. “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? Killua, you’ve become so naive.”

Killua couldn’t move as his brother approached. With each step he felt like there was an ice pick being jabbed into his heart. “What did I tell you Kil? You don’t need friends, because no one needs you.”

Killua was trembling so much even his voice shook. “You’re wrong.”

“Are you trying to defy me Kil? You know how badly that went last time.”

Memories of being stuck in a windowless room with only himself as company and the words of Illumi for days of time flashed through his mind. He didn’t want it to happen again. It couldn’t happen again. Killua wouldn’t be able to take it. “No, I’m not.”

“Then be a good boy, and stop talking to him, okay? I’ll know if you do. And it won’t be just you that gets hurt this time. You don’t want anything to happen to...Gon, do you?”

When Illumi left, Killua collapsed to the ground.

~

It felt wrong ignoring Gon. No, it was heartbreaking. He couldn’t get the image of Gon’s smile transforming into confusion out of his head. Killua had walked in first period and chose to sit at a different table instead of his elected spot next to Gon, and Gon had looked like a lost puppy. It only got worse from there. Gon was worried at first, at Killua’s continual silences, the lack of eye contact, the scowls.

“Killua, are you okay? Please talk to me.”

But when Killua continued to ignore him, not even acknowledging his existence, hour after hour, Gon got upset.

“I don’t understand. Killua, if you don’t want to hang out with me any more, you should’ve at least had the guts to tell me.”

By the end of the day, Gon wasn’t even trying anymore. He sat with other people, laughing and smiling, but it didn’t look right. Killua only dared to glance at him once or twice, and every time was a stab to the heart. Killua was brimming with guilt and disgust for himself. Gon didn’t deserve this, but what else was he supposed to do? If Illumi really knew Killua was talking to Gon, then he knew everything else about him. Where he lived. Illumi could do anything to him. He could already imagine it, Illumi’s cold eyes looming over Gon. Killua didn’t know much about Gon’s past, but he was the perfect target for Illumi, a poor boy with a rough background—Illumi could make him disappear in an instant.

Killua’s stomach was gnawing into itself and he felt on the verge of being sick right on the ground. He couldn’t even get Gon food for today. He’d forgotten it in the kitchens because he was so upset. So not only had Killua made him the target of his psychopath brother, not only did Gon think he abandoned him, think that Killua had proved his fears, but Gon was going to be left hungry.

What the fuck was he going to do?

~

He knew his brother. He was scarily observant. But he wasn’t infallible. There had to be ways to talk to Gon, at least explain to him what was going on so that he wouldn’t keep looking like that—By the end of the last class, Gon’s lips were tightly pressed together, his eyes were downcast, and he looked tired.

So Killua made a plan.

Just as Gon was leaving the class, Killua walked briskly up to him and shoved a piece of paper into his hands. He met Gon’s gaze and tried to spill as much remorse into the look as possible.

Gon blinked at him once, and then Killua moved away, making sure to get as much distance from him as possible. Surely that was okay?

No matter where Illumi saw them together, surely he wouldn’t see one singular moment of contact? He had to trust that.

Gon,  

I’m so fucking sorry. I’m not great at this friend thing, but I reckon I’ve been a bit of an asshole today, huh? I wish I could explain more, and I will, but I need you to trust me. Meet me in the bathrooms after school.

Gon’s face was as hard as steel when he walked in the bathrooms. It wasn’t an ideal meeting place. It smelled like stale piss and there was mould on the walls, but Killua hoped that Illumi wouldn’t be able to see them here–the windows were so small. He’d just have to make it quick or else Illumi would suspect him for getting late home.

“Gon, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Gon’s hardened expression then cracked. “Why? Why did you ignore me?” His eyes suddenly filled with tears, and his lips trembled downward. His expression was so broken, Killua wanted to cry. He'd hurt Gon.

“My brother… he—he doesn’t like me having friends. He forbid it. But he found out about you. And now I’m scared he’s going to hurt you. So I had to stay away, I have to stay away. Which is why talking to you now is really fucking selfish but I couldn’t stand the thought of you thinking I just abandoned you—”

Killua’s words were cut off when he was suddenly enveloped by Gon’s arms. Gon was squeezing him tight, and Killua didn’t even feel self-conscious this time about reciprocating. Suddenly all his worries, although not completely washed away, felt surmountable. Gon’s hair tickled his cheeks, and his grip on him was a bit too tight, but it soothed his frayed nerves. He felt grateful that they were the only ones in here. Just him and Gon.

“I’m sorry,” Killua whispered again. “So fucking sorry.”

Killua felt cold when Gon pulled away from him, but Gon’s wavering smile made up for it, genuine and bright. “I’m not gonna lie, I was really upset. But I get it. I would’ve done the same, Killua. I’m sorry I doubted you.”

Killua shook his head. “Don’t you be sorry, dumbass. I would’ve been upset if you ignored me.”

Gon grinned. “I think we’re just both a bunch of dumbasses, dumbass.”

“Hey,” Killua protested with no real heat.

Gon hadn’t pulled completely away, keeping close enough that he could feel his body heat. Killua stopped himself from pulling him close again.

“What do we do, Killua? Are we supposed to just avoid each other forever now? Can’t we just call the police or something?”

Killua gnawed at his lip. “My parents have too much power. And no one would believe us anyway, we have no proof.”

“Surely there’s something? I don’t want to stay away from you.”

Killua’s stomach swooped, and he felt his face go scarlet. Not knowing what to do, he pressed his face into Gon’s shoulder, hoping it would hide his blush, but it only seemed to make it deepen.

“Shut up, Gon.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Yes you did.”

Gon nudged him slightly, and Killua stood back, averting eye contact.

Gon, however, was determined. “Well? What can we do? I’m not letting you get away from me.”

“I guess there’s one idea, but it could go really badly.”

“Would it be any worse than now?”

“I suppose not.”

“Then do it.”

~

If Killua had one thing over his family, it was the fact that they needed him. Killua may have multiple older brothers, but he was the heir.

Illumi wasn’t hard to find:

“If you don’t let me see Gon, I’ll run away. And if you do anything to hurt him, I will never forgive you.”

“I don’t need your forgiveness, Kil.”

Killua’s voice was venomous. “You may be my brother, but when I inherit everything, I will make sure you don’t see a single cent of it.”

“Hmm, that would be annoying.”

“So?

“So what?”

“Do we have a deal?”

“I don’t think so Kil. I don’t get much out of it, do I?”

Killua scowled. “You get plenty out of it, you don’t get estranged from this family.”

Illumi hummed, as though he were actually pondering it, but Killua knew better. He was just trying to mess with him. “Maybe? But I’m sure there are other ways to get around it. Remember Kil, I made you, you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.” Illumi’s words were cold and made Killua’s chest tighten. “Your little friend… Gon, was it? He will just be a nuisance to you, he is worth hardly more than a sack of meat.”

“You’re wrong!” Killua yelled. “He’s my friend!”

“You don’t have friends. You only have me.”

Killua wanted to scream, something about Illumi’s words always washed over him, and stuck, they seeped into his skin and never let him go. But he had to escape them this time, he had to.

Just when he was about to scream, he didn’t know what exactly, but he was fairly certain it was going to be something close to a begging, the door opened.

“What’s going on here?”

Killua had never been so relieved to see his father.

If Killua didn’t know Illumi, he would’ve thought he looked undeterred, but he caught the slight tightening of his brow—he was annoyed they were interrupted.

“Nothing father. Just having a chat with Kil.”

Their father looked between them. “I heard something about Killua having a friend?

Killua froze. This was the moment of truth. He hadn’t planned on his father getting involved in this—He was too scared about adding another unknown variable. Too scared of his father denying him Gon. If he did… Killua would have no choice but to follow. But if he allowed it, Illumi would have to back down.

Something foreign rooted itself in his stomach, he thought it was something similar to hope.

Killua looked up at his dad. “Yes father, his name’s Gon. He’s my best friend.”

His dad’s gaze was calculating, he felt as his every micro-expression, every slight change in posture was analysed to the bone, but then he smiled. Killua still wasn’t off the hook yet, but it was a good sign. “What’s he like?”

Killua’s gaze darted to Illumi, he was dead still, watching his every move. It was subtle, but Killua knew he was furious.

He looked to his dad again. He found the words spill out of him, too excited to talk about Gon to care that Illumi was right there. “He’s super cool. He wears green all the time, and likes dirt, and he’s really bad at homework, but really good at sports. He talks too much, but he’s really fun, and… I like him…” he trailed off suddenly feeling self-conscious about rambling so much, but his dad’s smile never faltered. It was definitely hope.

“He sounds nice, Killua. I’m happy for you.” And he sounded genuine. Killua couldn’t believe it.

Then his dad turned to Illumi. “Enough of this. As long as Killua is happy to stay here, living with us, I’m happy for him to talk to Gon.” Something passed between them, something intense, but then Illumi blinked and it was gone.

Killua looked between them, still unsure how to take it all. He wasn’t used to his dad speaking up for him like this.

“You’re free to see Gon, Killua,” his father said. And then he rested his hand on Killua’s shoulder and that was the most surprising thing of all. Approval to see Gon and a talk with his dad? He could hardly believe his luck.

Not wanting to push his luck too far, he took his leave, saying goodnight to his father and Illumi, he headed back up to his room, making sure not to look at Illumi on his way out. He was too scared of what he’d see there, but he could feel it. Illumi was not happy and Killua wasn’t free yet, but it was hard to care about that with the giddy-feeling overwhelming his body: he got to see Gon again!

~

Killua walked into school and laughed when he saw Gon, who was very pointedly not looking at him. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were set in concentration. He looked freaking adorable with how hard he was trying not to look at him.

When Killua approached, Gon’s eyebrows became more deep set, and Killua couldn’t help but shove him playfully, because he could now. “Hey dumbass, you can look at me now.”

Gon’s eyes flickered to him and back away. “I can?”

“Yes, the plan worked.”

Gon suddenly whooped, his arms spreading wide like a starfish, then tackled him to the ground. People were staring, but Killua’s world was only Gon who was grinning at him with relief. Killua understood the feeling.

“How did your brother react?”

“Not well, but he’ll get over it.” Though he didn’t completely believe what he said.

Gon’s eyes were sparkling, “Happy to know I can tease you again.”

“I’ll remember that, the next time you ask me to help you with homework.”

Gon pouted. “You’ll help me anyway.”

Killua scowled, but couldn’t deny it.

He remembered something else: “I’ll find another way to get you food, I promise.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me.”

“That’s like asking someone not to breathe.”

“I’m no expert–”

“Definitely not.”

“--But I don’t think that worrying about me is as essential as breathing is.”

Killua frowned. “But eating is.”

Killua thought there was no way Gon could deny that, but still he said, “I’ll find a way.”

“Just shut up and take my help.”

Gon pouted, but didn’t say anything else on the subject.

The day passed like a dream, Killua elated that he was allowed to see Gon again, even if their time apart was small. He was even more glad that Gon was safe. But that didn’t stop him from keeping a look out: You never know what’s looming behind you.

~

Killua and Gon started hanging out together all the time, not just at school. Hanging out at Killua’s was a big no, what with the whole threatening-to-take-Gon-away-from-him thing that Illumi pulled. So Gon’s house it was. Though ‘house’ might not be the right word for it.

He lived in a park where many people had found shelter in tents. Gon’s tent was, you guessed it: Green.

“Suits the theme, I see,” Killua said grinning, when he first saw it. He was worried though. Was this safe? What about all Gon’s things? How did he end up here?

Gon smiled back, but it was withdrawn, dull. He was playing with the hem of his shirt, rolling it between his fingers again and again, and his shoulders were drawn up. He was embarrassed. Killua didn’t say anything for fear of making it worse. He could understand why Gon felt that way, why he’d fear Killua’s judgement, but all Killua felt was respect. Gon had managed to survive out here, apparently all on his own. They were both so young still and there was so much bad in the world, Killua didn’t think he could do that.

“Want to see my humble abode?” Gon said with a nervous grin.

“Lead the way.”

Gon’s tent was strangely neat. For all he knew about Gon, he expected the tent to be a wreck. But everything was in order. His clothes and belongings were packed neatly in a suitcase, there was no rubbish in sight, his teddy bear sat in the corner, and it smelled nice; distinctly of Gon.

It was small, but Killua could see Gon had made a home here.

Killua smiled and said, completely genuinely, “I like it.”

Gon apparently didn’t like that, because his eyes flashed. “Don’t lie,”

“I’m not lying. Of course, you deserve to live in a house, but you’ve made this your own. So I like it.”

Gon smiled, a bit more genuine this time, and sat down on his sleeping bag, gesturing at Killua to do the same.

Gon took out a pack of Uno with a gleam in his eyes, “Ready for me to beat your ass?”

Killua scoffed, “Bring it on.”

~

Killua ended up hanging out in Gon’s tent almost every night after school. They’d study in the school library, then Killua would go to dinner and bring Gon food after, and then they’d hang out until dark, or until they were so tired they couldn’t justify staying up anymore. Luckily, they lived pretty close by each oher. Killua would bring over his electronics, or they’d play cards, or he’d try to teach Gon how to skateboard (by the fifth time he landed on his face, they decided to give it a rest) or they’d just talk in the comfort of the tent, or the stars right above them until their voices were hoarse.

~

Illumi didn’t give them any trouble. It seemed that his father’s word had actually held him off, and when he moved out again, Killua felt like he could breathe again.

~

One night, a year after they met, they were sitting in the tent playing Uno because it was freezing outside. They’d grown enough that it was a bit of a squeeze to have them both inside. Killua was hyper-aware of the way their knees knocked together and their shoulders brushed with every small movement. Killua was just about to beat him in a game, when Gon suddenly dropped his cards.

“Giving up already?” Killua said with a grin but faltered when he saw Gon's face.

“I think I’m ready to tell you now,” Gon said, voice quiet, and so serious it made Killua completely forget about the game. “About what happened. Why I’m here. Thinking back, it’s kind of ridiculous I haven't told you yet, but it was… a lot.”

Killua set his cards down. “There’s no pressure. I don’t need to know–”

“No. You do.” Gon’s face was determined, his mouth set and his eyes blazing, and Killua tried to smile reassuringly. “I’m an orphan. Well, my dad’s alive but that’s not why I’m here. My Aunt Mito looked after me for the longest time, but… she died. And it was my fault.”

Killua wanted to protest on instinct, that Gon wouldn’t purposefully cause the death of anyone. But he kept his mouth shut.

Gon continued, his voice cracking a bit as he went. “I was stupid. She told me not to go in the woods because it was dangerous. She told me so many times, but I didn’t listen.” His eyes welled with tears. “One day, I went into the forest. It wasn’t the first time, which was the problem. It made me cocky, comfortable. But this time, I got too close. There were bears… and I found a baby one. I was so happy to see it.” Gon’s voice was choking now, barely getting through it. “And I—I, fuck.”

Gon started sobbing and Killua immediately enveloped him in a hug. Killua could feel his tears soak into the collar of his shirt as Gon pressed his face against it but he didn’t give a fuck. Gon’s heart was racing and he was trembling against him, and Killua tried the best he could to hold him through it.

Gon hiccupped. “I—I kept playing with the bear, just hanging around it, and digging holes in the ground and stuff, but then the mama bear came back. I should’ve known. Aunt Mito told me to stay away from bears, but I didn’t listen.” Gon shivered in his arms. With Gon pressed so tightly against him, Killua could feel it through his whole body. “Aunt Mito…she heard my screams. She must have been close by, already looking for me. And she—she protected me. She used her own body to protect me. Told me to run. And I could do nothing but watch.” Gon was full on sobbing again, his voice a wreck as he pushed his way through the story. Killua blinked, wondering why his face felt wet all of a sudden, and realised he was crying too. He held him tighter.

“I tried to get help. I ran back to the village as fast as I could. But it was too late. There was so much blood. I–I’ll, I’ll never forget it. And it was all my fault.” His body sagged as he got those words out, like he’d lost all control of his body, putting all his weight against Killua. And Killua held him and held him, whispering “It’s okay,” “you’re so fucking strong.” “You were so young, it wasn’t your fault.”

He whispered it again and again. He let Gon explain how later he fell through the cracks of the system, found himself alone without any support network except the kindness of pure strangers, who made sure he had somewhere to sleep, a school to go to. Even if, as his trips into garbage bins would show, it wasn’t always enough. Gon cried and cried, and Killua held him and told him it wasn't his fault until Gon calmed and fell asleep. Gon didn’t believe it yet—it would take time—but Killua hoped one day Gon would forgive himself. Realise he was too young to know.

Killua didn’t want to separate himself from him for fear of waking him up. So he lay down on the sleeping bag and let his eyes droop too. It was the first and last time they slept in the tent together.

~

It was too warm. Killua groaned, trying to shove off his blankets, only to find something heavier laying on top of him. He froze. “What the fu–”

His eyes blinked open, disoriented and confused to see a green canvas above him. When the heavy thing lying on top of him shifted, it all clicked.

Gon.

He’d slept in Gon’s tent.

His cheeks flamed.

In the past year, and all the time they spent together, he’d realised that his admiration for Gon was more than that. Way more. He had a small soul-destroying crush on Gon. And he had no idea.

It made his heart beat wildly to have Gon so close to him, his face only inches from his. He looked adorable. His face was squished against Killua’s chest, using him as a pillow, his long eyelashes casting shadows down his cheeks. He had drool down his chin and his eyes were crusty from tears, but he looked so peaceful now, Killua thought he was the most beautiful thing on Earth.

He took the opportunity to just stare. He had more opportunities for that than you’d think —Gon wasn’t very observant.

But he’d never seen Gon like this before. He felt like a creep, but he had poor self-control at the best of times, and Gon was his weakness.

He admired the freckles dotting his cheeks and nose, the softness of his hair when it wasn’t spike with gel, he stared until Gon’s eyes started blinking awake. And Killua diverted his gaze, hoping it wasn’t completely obvious that he was just staring at him creepily while he slept. If he wasn’t caught, his redness of his cheeks probably gave it away. But Gon didn’t seem to care, he smiled up at him. Brown eyes warm and sleepy. He groggily said, “Mornin’”

Killua smiled back. “Morning. Did you sleep well?”

Gon hummed happily, pressing his face back to Killua’s chest. It did terrible things to Killua’s heart. “Really well.” Gon blinked up at him again. “You’re really warm.”

Killua’s throat felt tight. “And you’re boiling hot.”

“Doesn’t matter. Lemme stay here for a bit.”

Killua didn’t even bother protesting this time. Not when this is exactly what he wanted.

They lay there, sleepy and warm, as the sun beat down on the side of the tent and covered them in a warm glow. Gon nuzzled into him, and Killua wondered if he could hear how hard his heart was beating.

He loved Gon. So fucking much. But he could never tell him. Not in the way he wanted to.

For now, he let himself have this: Gon in his arms, warm and happy against him.

Eventually Gon had to get up because his foot had pins and needles and the moment was broken.

“Thank you for telling me,” Killua said later. “It was really brave.”

Gon’s smile was small. “No problem. Thank you for listening to me. You were the first I’ve told. It–It really helped.”

When he said goodbye to Gon that day, it was like any ordinary good-bye. They smiled and waved at each other, and that was that. Looking back, he wished he’d done something more, hugged him, talked to him, anything more than what he had. Because it was the last time he saw him for years.

~

When Killua arrived home, his stomach dropped. Illumi was there, waiting for him on the front porch, and he was smiling. That was never a good sign. Killua tried to ignore him and walk straight through but Illumi grabbed him by the arm. His fingers dug into his skin, shooting pain down his arm. He ripped his arm away.

“You’ll want to listen to this, Kil.”

“I don’t care about anything you have to say.”

“Your dear Gon is going off on a little trip.”

Killua scoffed. “What are you talking about?”

“Gon’s leaving.”

Killua scanned Illumi’s face—he was being serious. But it didn’t make any sense. “Gon didn’t tell me about a trip.”

“Don’t believe me, call him.”

“He doesn’t have a phone.”

“No but his dad does.”

He fumbled to get his phone out and dial the number Illumi had conveniently out ready for him. Killua felt clumsy, his fingers barely hitting the right buttons. He’d only found out about Gon’s dad yesterday, what could he possibly want with him?

Gon sounded shocked over the phone, but Killua could hear how hard he was smiling.

“Killua! I’ve been adopted! Well adopted might no be the right word…”

Killua found himself smiling through the confusion, “That’s great!”

“Apparently, my dad got into contact? He wants to help me out. I’m going to live with him, in a proper house! But I’m already on my way there. I wanted—I wanted to say goodbye to you, properly, but he was really insistent we leave now, and it was happening all at once, I–I’m sorry.”

A knot was growing heavier in his gut with each word. “How bad is it Gon?” he said, trying to keep his voice even.

“I have to move countries?”

“What?” Killua could feel his smile fracturing. Already, a lump was forming in his throat, and his eyes were prickling. Illumi was still just standing there, watching, and he felt a surge of hate so strong he had to turn his back to him.

“I don’t understand, Gon–You can’t just leave me here.” He was being an asshole—Gon was getting everything he ever wanted, what he deserved, what was his human right—shelter, a warm bed, consistent meals, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Gon was all he had, his only friend, the only one he loved in this damned town.

“I know, Killua. I–I really tried, but he said there was no other way. And I had to take this.”

“For how long?”

“I’m not sure–”

“How long?”

“It could be years, Killua.”

There was a silence, heavy, blanketing over him and numbing him to everything else.

Killua understood. He really did. But it didn’t matter if he understood, it fucking hurt. He heard more than felt when he started sobbing, it was like his soul was being wretched from his throat.

Killua heard a sniffle. “It’ll be okay, Killua. I’ll get a phone okay? And we can text? And we’ll see each other again. I’ll make sure of it.”

Killua nodded, knowing Gon wouldn’t see it anyway. He just needed to move, he felt like screaming and running, and finding Gon and screaming again. But he couldn’t.

His voice cracked when he spoke. “I miss you so much already.”

“I miss you too.” Gon’s voice was a whisper, and suddenly Killua was reminded of nights in the tent, their voices and laughs hushed and quiet in the dark to not disturb anyone else, and Killua found himself crying again. He will never have that now. Not anymore.

“Gon, I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” he said when he got control of himself again. “I’m so happy for you. So fucking happy. I just don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”

“You had a life before me right?” said Gon, his trembling voice teasing.

“And it fucking sucked.”

“I believe in you, Killua. You’re going to have an awesome life without me, and before you know it, we’ll be together again.”

“Why can’t that be now?”

“You know why.”

They were silent again. He imagined what Gon was doing, sitting in a car on his way to a new country, and wished he could just see him one last time.

Killua closed his eyes. “Gon,” he said, voice sounding desperately soft. “When we first met, you said the tree was your favourite because it was lonely. You saw that tree and sat with it even though it has no feelings, no thoughts. You sat with it because you thought everything deserves love.” He laughed, sadness and happiness blending together. “It doesn’t even make any damn sense, but… it made me think maybe I deserved love too.” Killua heard Gon breathe in shakily over the phone. “You were my first friend. My only friend. And the best friend I could’ve ever hoped for. I love you."

Gon’s voice was broken over the call when he said, broken and wet, “I love you too. And thank you. For all you did to help me. I’m so grateful for everything.”

“I should be the one thanking you, Gon.”

~

The call ended soon after that. It was a quiet affair, and when the call ended it was like everything else that was good did too. Maybe he was being dramatic, but he thought he had every right to be.

And then he saw Illumi again, smiling at him, and suddenly all the gut-wrenching sadness turned to blood-red anger.

He stormed up to him and pushed him in the chest. Illumi barely stumbled.

“You got rid of him!” he seethed. “How fucking dare you!”

“How’d you know?” Illumi said, a little grin on his face. Killua wanted to kill him.

“Oh yeah,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “His dad just so happens to take him away, just when you come back!”

“You should be happy he’s not dead.”

Killua wanted to kill him. He really fucking wanted to kill him. But then he’d go to jail and never see Gon again. And that was the worst case scenario.

Instead, he pushed past him, shoving hard and escaped to the solace of his room where he cried. And cried. And cried. And missed Gon. And cried again. Until he felt ripped open. It wouldn’t be the last time.

~

Time simultaneously passed devastatingly slowly and so fucking fast he felt like he was barely blinking and he was months into the future.

He called and texted Gon every other day. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough, but it was bearable. Killua was a mess for the first six months. His grades dropped, and he barely left his room, but he survived. Eventually he found his footing. He realised he’d relied on Gon too much as his escape in the shit storm of his family issues and insecurities and loneliness to make himself feel better. It wasn’t fair on Gon, and it wasn’t fair on him. He couldn’t just let himself be miserable just because Gon was gone. And Gon was happy. That helped him get through it. If Gon was happy, he could pull through.

Though he couldn’t leave his family, he made sure that if Illumi messed with him again, there would be consequences… he already made him regret the stunt he pulled with Gon. A few whispered words to his father was all it took to ensure that Illumi stayed away forever. Killua will think about his terrified expression whenever he wants to feel better.

Once the Illumi problem was gone, things got better. Not perfect, but better.

And by the time he was in his final year and they finally were able to meet up again, Killua no longer mourned what they once had. He was just excited for the future.

When he saw Gon again, the world slotted back into place. It felt right again. Gon looked familiar but different at the same time: all bright brown eyes and contagious smile and green, but also taller and more smile lines around his eyes, and then they were hugging, and Killua melted. He felt so giddy, he laughed with happiness against Gon and Gon laughed too. It was perfect. 

“I’ll never leave you again,” Gon said when he pulled away, cupping his cheek so gently it made Killua shiver. His eyes darted everywhere as though he were trying to memorise every inch of Killua’s face. “Never.”

Killua smiled, small but hopeful. “I’ll make sure you don’t.”