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When Thomas was born the mindscape consisted of 6 rooms that branched off of the main area. Each room was dark, no windows and no doors, inside was one of the sides. As Thomas grew up and developed a need for them a door would appear and whatever side was inside would be released. First came Virgil, he was only in the room for 6 months, then Thomas developed fight or flight so he was free. Virgil was still alone tho- the rest of the sides were stil locked away but he was free, he had light now. Then came Roman at around 2 years old, with Remus following a few months later. After them was Janus at 3 years old, and then Patton…this is when lights and darks where separated, categorically separated by morality into good or bad. There was one door left- Logan’s door.
Logan waited in the dark, he would be needed soon. He could hear the others slowly getting released, he would be needed soon. He heard as the other 5 were released, becoming friends, and then being torn apart. At least they still weren’t alone. Virgil, Janus, and Remus were all together, and Patton and Roman had each other. Logan was still alone in the dark. He could hear everything- he wanted friends- why was he still alone.
Logan sat in the dark, listening to movie nights and sleepovers. He even heard as Roman would occasionally slip over to the darks to see his brother. Then finally- finally Thomas started school. Logan smiled, he would have a door soon. A few weeks later Logan did get a door- he leapt to his feet and ran over- but the door was locked from the outside. Why was his door locked? He was needed now WHY WAS HIS DOOR LOCKED. His room at least had a little light now- he could see his room. Fairly small, he watched as a bed and desk formed- but his door remained locked. He was still alone- needed now- but still alone.
Years went by, Thomas getting older, Logan sat alone. The only light he had was what came from under the crack of his door. So he tended to sit against the door. As close to the others as he could be. He listened to their conversations- until one night in which he heard a conversation between Patton and Roman
“Why are you keeping the door locked Pat?” Logan stiffened- where they talking about his door?
“We don’t know who or what’s behind it Roman, you saw the others, what if he’s one of them”
“But that doesn’t mean he deserves to be locked up!” They were talking about his door!…they were doing this- on purpose?
“Roman you must realize that it’s what’s best for Thomas”
“It’s cruel Patton!”
“Enough- it’s what’s best for Thomas, he stays locked up until we know he’s good”
TW: graphic self harm
Logan stumbled away from the door- they- they were keeping him here. He felt emotions surge through him- the most prominent? Anger. He was angry- angry angry angry- angry at who? Angry at Patton? Yes, Patton was doing this on purpose! Locking him away “for Thomas’s safety” but he was also mad at himself. How pathetic did he have to be to deserve this- he deserved this. He wasn’t important enough, wasn’t needed enough. He was angry at himself, he was hurt- emotional pain which fueled the anger- he was- he was afraid- how long would they keep him here how could he ever prove himself good- fear which fueled the anger. So many emotions swirled through him with such intensity- make it stop. He dug his nails into his arm, so tightly they broke skin. The physical pain caused some clarity in Logan’s head- so he kept going. Digging his nails into his skin and tore them down his arm… that wasn’t enough. It felt good- it felt clear. He slashed his nails across his arms, legs, chest, face, and neck. Any exposed skin was ripped into shreds. Flecks of skin and blood lodged under his fingernails. His skin was now covered in rough and ragged gashes- so different from his usual neat and orderliness. Blood leaked from most of them- not a lot but definitely there.
Safe now
Anger exhausted now Logan’s body was left weak- anger was a secondary emotion- it wasn’t a real emotion- just a cover up- a mask to hide deeper emotions that you didn’t was to confront. It hid away fear and deep sadness… and loneliness. Logan was so lonely. He wanted to be held but he was alone, he wanted to be comforted but he was alone, Logan wanted to be loved but he was alone, most of all Logan wanted to be needed but he was alone. Logan curled into a ball on the floor, tears streaming down his face. He was pathetic- this was pathetic. He didn’t deserve to be loved- he was completely and utterly unlovable. Cast out alone in the cold dark. Pathetic- pathetic- pathetic- pathetic- PATHETIC- Ṕ̶̬̥͔̹̎̈́͝ͅÃ̸͇̳̺͍̲̫̬͋̓Ţ̶͙̫͍̰͎̼̳̣̍H̶̳͔͔͒̓͋̋̿́Ȅ̸͕̲̿́͝T̴̯͉̦͙͔͌̚͜I̷̳͍̩̦̊̈̀C̷̫͂͛͗
He deserved every bit of this pain, this loneliness, he was pathetic, stupid, useless, freak, wimp, crybaby, screwup, bitch, fool, chicken, nerd, disgrace, worm, dunce, f@ggot, joke, loser, nobody, outcast, piece of shit, robot, scardy cat, slut, by now his brain was just coming with any insult it could think of, regardless of if it applied or not, trash, whore, imbecile, evil, reject, weirdo, sissy, retard, baby, pervert, nitwit, cow, monster, fairy, hoe, geek, foureyes, fatty, dumb shit, dolt, cunt, waste of oxygen, did sides use oxygen.
That thought managed to snap Logan out of his spiral… he giggled, a half hysterical, edging on insane giggle. His brain had been fried with negative thoughts and self hatred. Tears still rolling down his face he giggled.
“I’m going insane”
Sitting surrounded by flakes of skin and drops of blood Logan half giggled and half cried until exhaustion took over him and he fell asleep.
Logan stayed in that room for 3 more years, it wasn’t until Thomas started second grade that Patton finally released Logan from his prison… for 8 years Logan had sat in that room, several mental breakdowns and spirals, but most of all crippling loneliness that caused his heart to ache. The breakdown after he learned the true reason for his imprisonment was the worst of them all. Scars from ripping at his arm would forever be faintly visible. You wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for it, but small discolorations and scars dotted his skin, most prominent a curved white scar that was right under his right jaw bone. Logan didn’t think he ever recovered from that time. He was awkward at best most of the time and he was never able to form a friendship with Patton. He wasn’t sure if Patton knew that Logan knew why he had stayed in that room for so long but Logan had no interest in ever being close with him.