Work Text:
June 8th
He can’t breathe. His lungs don’t seem to work anymore, his ears are ringing, his eyes are burning, and his brain freezes halfway through a sentence. His mouth stays open, no sound coming out like, he just lost his voice.
Which he probably has, actually. It’s not quite working.
He stares helplessly at the screen of his parent’s tv, the words that made his body stop functioning blinking back at him.
BREAKING NEWS: SHOOTING AT NYC’S GAY CLUB ‘Ritz Bar and Lounge’.
June is saying something. He can’t hear her – or anything else for that matter. It’s like his brain decided to shut down and not comprehend anything in front of him.
The only thing he’s aware of is a thought at the back of his mind, hitting him with such force it’s all he can focus on – no matter how much it makes his knees give out under him, how his heart feels like it’s being ripped out of his chest and stabbed repeatedly with a sharp knife, cut into a thousand pieces with no possible repair.
Henry is in New York.
Four months earlier
They first met on the set of ‘Roses, Wisteria, and Royal Bluebells’ in early December. Alex wasn’t cast as the lead, and neither was Henry. They were sidekicks, the main characters’ best friends who occasionally made an appearance with wise words of advice or a bottle of wine and dangerous smirks.
They didn’t even have that many scenes together, but Alex was drawn to those blue eyes long before the cameras started filming.
He spotted Henry by the makeup table and walked up to him with his signature charming grin plastered on his face. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Alex Claremont-Diaz.”
Henry took his hand in a smooth, firm grip that might have lasted a second too long. “Henry Fox. It’s a pleasure.”
It made something spark in Alex’s chest, the way Henry’s eyes stayed on him as he spoke, the smooth British accent he knew was coming but still hit like a train, and he pushed down the feeling. It was probably just nerves. He was always like this on his first day in a new set.
“So, how did you come across this movie?” Alex asked to make conversation. “Got friends in high places?”
“My best mate auditioned for the lead part and dragged me along, actually,” Henry said with a huff of a breath and rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth tugged up in a smile. “The rest is history, I guess. And yourself?”
“My agent got me the audition,” Alex explained. Then he smirked. “Though, originally, it was for your roll. Crazy how these things happen, isn’t it?”
Henry laughed again. “It’s a small world indeed. No hard feelings?”
“Nah. I’m much more fit for this one anyway.”
“Must be fate then,” Henry said with a smile that made the skin around his eyes crinkle slightly.
Then someone called them to be camera ready in five, and Alex forcibly tore his eyes away from Henry’s square jaw.
June 8th
June is kneeling in front of him, holding his wrists. She must be saying something, if her lips moving are any indication, but he doesn’t know what it is. His ears aren’t working yet, everything around him is nothing but white noise. All he can think about is—
“Henry,” he manages to croak out in a whisper. His throat feels raw and his voice shakes so much it’s probably incomprehensible. “Henry was there.”
June’s mouth stops moving.
Three months earlier
Henry was funny. It should be unfair for someone to make Alex laugh so hard with dry humor he almost spilled water through his nose.
“I am begging you, stop talking,” he implored, wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes as he held his stomach. It honest to God hurt from laughing so much. “We’re shooting a sad scene in minutes; I can’t be laughing.”
“My sincerest apologies,” Henry replied with a smile that did nothing to stop the giddiness rising in Alex’s chest. “Think of England, is my suggestion.”
Another bubble of laughter threatened to push past his lips. He was about to open his mouth to scold Henry for making him laugh, again, when he heard a voice behind him.
“Hen!”
Henry looked up to somewhere behind Alex’s shoulder and his expression changed three times in a split second, settling on something akin to surprise. “Jordan. What are you… doing here?”
In Alex’s line of vision appeared a man around their age, red hair with piercing green eyes and freckles all over his face – he looked a bit familiar, but Alex couldn’t quite place him. He moved towards Henry looking around the studio, barely sparing Alex a second glance.
“Surprising you at work, of course. I had a shoot for a magazine a couple blocks away, so I walked.” He said it distractedly, still admiring his surroundings. “This is nice.”
Alex was about to walk away when the man turned to him and grinned sharply. “Who’s your friend?” It was clear he was talking to Henry, even if his eyes didn’t leave Alex’s.
“Right.” Henry seemed to shake his initial surprise. “This is Alex Claremont-Diaz, also an actor in the movie. Alex, this is Jordan. My boyfriend.”
Alex stuck out his hand out, watching as Jordan took it in a cold grip. “Nice to meet you, dude.”
“My pleasure,” he said lightly with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, already turning back to Henry. “Grab lunch with me, babe?”
“Sure.” Henry looked back to Alex. “I’ll see you in a bit then?” He sounded almost hopeful, but Alex must’ve been imagining it.
“Course,” he said, and watched as both men walked away.
June 8th
“You don’t know that.” June’s voice reaches his ears in pieces. “He might not have been there, you don’t know—”
“He told me,” Alex whispers again, not trusting his voice to stay even if he’s any louder. “He’s— And now— I can’t—”
His sister presses something solid and cold against his hand. He looks down with watery eyes to find the blurry sight of his phone.
“Call him.”
Two and a half months earlier
“We’re filming in Oklahoma?”
“Road trip!”
Henry groaned low in his throat, and Alex laughed whole-heartedly.
“Come on, it won’t be that bad.”
Henry didn’t look convinced and raised his eyebrows. “It’s at least a five-hour drive. I heard Jenna say something about a van for eight people. That’s going to be hell.”
“Actually.” Jenna came up to them timidly. “We have more than eight people to go and the van is already full.”
Alex smiled warmly at her. “Thanks, Jenna.” He turned to Henry. “See? All your problems went away just like that.”
Henry rolled his eyes, but it did nothing to hide the smile that stretched on his face. “Apart from the fact that we’re still in Texas and still need to make the five-hour drive, sure. No problems at all—”
“I can drive you.”
A pause. “What?”
“I have a car not far from here. Well, my dad does, but he rarely uses it. Instead of getting a cab and paying an absurd amount of money and making small talk with someone we don’t know, I can drive us there.”
Another pause, though shorter. “Are you sure?”
Alex grinned. “A thousand percent. Go pack your bags and get ready for a kickass playlist.”
“That sounds like a threat.”
“It is!”
The next day, as Henry climbed into the passenger seat and fell back against the headrest, it wasn’t hard for Alex to notice the dark circles under his eyes and the long exhales.
“You look like you could use some sleep,” he said softly. “Or like, three coffees at once. Long night?”
Henry laughed humorlessly and dragged a hand down his face. “Something like that. Just insomnia keeping me up again for no reason, nothing unusual.”
Strange; Alex often couldn’t sleep either.
“Well, we have five hours ahead of us, so you can try to get some rest now,” he offered as he started the car and pulled out of the driveway, but Henry was already shaking his head.
“The least I can do while you drive is try to be good company. I can—” he cut himself off with a yawn. “I can sleep when we get there.”
Alex snorted quietly. Good luck with that, he thought.
Unsurprisingly, Henry was asleep less than twenty minutes later, head turned slightly to his left. Alex lowered the volume of the radio considerably so as to not disturb him and glanced briefly to the right.
Blond strands of hair fell in Henry’s closed eyes, parted lips exhaling small puffs of breath. He would look perfectly peaceful if not for the small crease in his brow, a tension in his features that never seemed to leave him. Alex wanted to smooth it out with the pad of his thumb.
Eyes on the road, Alex. Just focus on the damn road.
June 8th
Call him. It makes sense, even if his brain takes too long to understand this. He’s had Henry’s number in his phone for months. All it takes is a press of a button.
He can’t move his hands. “What if he doesn’t answer?” he whispers, looking up at June’s concerned expression. “June, what if he’s—”
“He’s not,” she says firmly, and she sounds so sure – why does she sound so sure when Alex feels like his heart is breaking inside his ribcage? Her hand reaches up to wipe his tears away – when did he start crying? “Call him.”
He stares at her for another moment before looking down at the phone in his hands. He unlocks it with shaky fingers. Selects ‘Contacts’ and scrolls down to the letter H.
Two months earlier
Alex was late.
He was late when he overslept and somehow missed all of his four alarms; he was late when he cursed under his breath and took the quickest shower up to date; he was late when he got dressed in a hurry and barely had time to put his shoes on before running out of the house and almost forgetting to lock the door behind him.
He was still late when he finally got to the studio – though, to his credit, not as late as he thought he would be – and managed to stop himself from running.
“You’re late.”
Alex jumped so hard at the sudden voice, he was positive at least some part of his soul left his body. “Jesus Christ, Z,” he murmured, clutching his chest. Zahra did not look impressed.
“We’re already behind schedule and you showing up fifteen minutes late does no good. Go get changed and let Jenna do your hair. Do not,” she added lowly when Alex opened his mouth, “get fussy over someone touching your curls. Just get out of my sight and hurry the fuck up.” She didn’t wait for an answer before turning around to yell at Hunter across the room.
Alex sighed and made his way to grab his outfit, already dreading the moment Jenna would style his curls – he’s just very particular about who touches his hair, okay? Fucking sue him.
His stomach growled, and he groaned at the reminder that he didn’t even have time to grab breakfast before leaving the house and signaling the first cab he saw.
He didn’t even have time for his morning coffee, and he was seriously regretting it now. Being another five minutes late and risking facing Zahra’s wrath would have been worth it for that dose of caffeine that made him a somewhat pleasant human in the morning, with sugar and cinnamon—
“Late night?”
What was it with everyone today sneaking up on him? Did they all collectively plan to scare him to death?
Henry grinned sheepishly at him, leaning back in his chair. “Sorry. It wasn’t my intention to frighten you.”
Alex exhaled again, letting his heartbeat go back to normal. “It’s cool. I missed my alarms and had to rush here in a panic.” His stomach grumbled again, and Alex closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. “I would kill for a coffee right now, but I think Zahra would actually murder me if I went to make one.”
“Then it’s a good thing you don’t have to,” Henry said nonchalantly.
Alex’s eyes shot open again. “Huh?”
Only then did he notice the steaming mug in Henry’s hand, directly in front of him now that he had stood up. The smell of freshly made coffee flowed in the air. Alex stared at it for a while before gazing back up at Henry’s face, finding an amused and yet soft smile. He tentatively took the mug in his hands, making sure it’s real.
“What… how did you…” He trailed off, no idea of how to finish any of those sentences.
Henry shrugged. “You were late – you’re never late. Figured you didn’t have time to consume your daily dose of caffeine before you arrived – which is bad for you, by the way; it’s a scientific miracle you’re not dead yet. And it seems that I was right.”
Alex nodded, still too dazed to defend his like for caffeine. He brought the hot drink to his lips, that blessed taste of cinnamon immediately blooming on his tongue, and bit back a sound of pleasure that threatened to push past his lips.
“Cinnamon?” he asked quietly – because Henry knew how he liked his coffee and it was making his head spin.
Henry’s ridiculously sharp cheekbones darkened and he smiled timidly again, but before he could open his mouth a shout reached their ears.
“Claremont-Diaz, if you’re not here and camera-ready in the next two minutes I will personally make your life a living hell.” A pause, and then a deep sigh. “For legal reasons, that was a joke. But get your ass here now.”
Henry looked like he was trying not to laugh, biting down on his lower lip. “I think she means it.”
“Zahra always does,” Alex said under his breath, taking another huge gulp of coffee. “Seriously, thank you for this. I owe you big time.”
Henry smiled and shook his head, dismissing his thanks and hurrying him along. Alex watched him walk away and made a decision.
He needed help. Nora was sort of vaguely bisexual, right?
He pulled out his phone and sent her a quick text.
Alex
can I call you tonight? I need advice.
Nora
I knew this day would come
hit me babes
June 8th
His thumb hovers over Henry’s name for a second before finally clicking on it. He immediately puts it on speaker, needing to hear it fill the room.
It rings once.
Then twice.
And a third time.
By the fourth ring, more tears are pooling in Alex’s eyes.
By the fifth, he’s ready to throw the phone across the room.
There isn’t a sixth ring.
“You’ve reached the voicemail of Henry Fox, please leave a message—”
One month and a half earlier
Alex
[link to an article of The Daily Mail: headline reads ‘Actor Henry Fox and model Jordan Miller end their relationship’]
it’s like the third time this week I’ve read some variation of his sentence
do people have nothing better to do than make up stories??
Henry
I honestly don’t believe they do.
However, they’re not exactly wrong this time.
Alex
wait what
really?
H I’m so sorry I had no idea
Henry
It’s okay, truly. Honestly, it was bound to happen any day now.
Alex
did something happen?
I mean you don’t have to tell me, obviously
but I’m here if you want to talk about it
Henry
There’s not much to it, I guess. He thought dating an actor was exciting.
I’m, er. Looking for a little more than that.
Alex
shit, I’m sorry
he sounds like a right asshole
never trust gingers
Henry
I wasn’t all that crazy about him either, to be honest. But I’ll be sure to take that advice from now on.
Thank you.
Alex
for what?
Henry
For listening, I suppose.
Alex
anytime, H
that’s what friends are for
Henry
So we’re friends now?
Alex
well I’m terribly sorry your royal highness, is it too presumptuous of me to assume that after all these months you might consider me, a simple peasant in your modest kingdom, something more than a mere acquaintance?
Henry
You’re a demon, Alexander. A menace to society.
Alex
I’m also your friend, so what does that say about you huh
Henry
Probably that I’m in need of psychiatric help.
Alex
you little shit, you know you love me
Henry
How do you Americans say it? I plead the fifth.
Alex
HA
June 8th
He ends the call so fast he almost sprains his finger, cutting off the rest of the sentence. He can’t see anything with the tears that blur his vision and fall down his cheeks in earnest. He hears June inhale sharply in front of him, her hands visibly shaking next to his. “Alex…”
It’s that tone that makes him snap. Her voice, almost… resigned, acceptant where it was fierce and steady only a few minutes again. It doesn’t make him lucid, exactly, but he manages to wipe his eyes uselessly and look down at the screen of his phone.
He calls Henry again.
It rings, and it rings, and it keeps ringing.
Please pick up, he begs in his head. Please be alright.
One month earlier
Alex was nervous.
He shouldn’t be; he knew, objectively, there was no fucking reason to be nervous, but knowing that didn’t make his heart beat any slower or his breaths any less shaky.
He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He could do this.
Straightening the lapels of his jacket, he walked into the studio as confident as he knew how, immediately meeting a pair of blue eyes that made his heart rate increase again for totally different reasons.
“You look nervous,” Henry mentioned while sipping on a cup that smelled strongly of Earl Grey. “Did you forget to have coffee again?”
Alex felt nervous. He laughed, jittery, pointing at the thermos in his hand before falling into the chair next to Henry. “Can’t make that mistake again. Just excited for another day on set, I guess.” Henry raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “What? Can’t a guy be happy to go to work?”
“It’s within one’s right,” Henry said, obviously not believing a word of what Alex was saying but letting it go. “But if you were hoping for one of the donuts Frederic was talking about yesterday, Hunter already ate the last one.”
Well, he hadn’t been, but he sort of was now. “Fucking Hunter,” he cursed under his breath. “And you didn’t save any for me? I can’t believe it.” He feigned disappointment and Henry chuckled.
“It’s every man for himself, I’m afraid.”
Alex shook his head and bit back a smile bigger than the whole interaction deserved. Henry’s eyes stayed on his for a little longer before glancing down, fixing on a specific spot on Alex’s coat. He stared for a moment. Alex’s breath stuttered in his chest.
Then a smile stretched on Henry’s lips, starting small and growing into something that made small dimples appear on his cheeks and crinkle the skin around his eyes.
His gaze returned to Alex’s, holding it steadily. “I like it,” he whispered softly, or maybe Alex was imagining the whole thing. “Looks good on you.”
Alex exhaled deeply, relieved for no reason, and smiled proudly at the little bi flag pin he agonized over this morning, neatly pinned to the front of his jacket. “Thanks,” he whispered back, and his voice was soft too wasn’t it? He didn’t know if it was an accident or not.
Henry kept smiling at him until Zahra yelled at them to “stop with the chit chat and get your asses here”. Even then, Alex couldn’t stop grinning.
Zahra told him off. It only half worked.
June 8th
“Pick up, Hen,” he finds himself whispering to his phone, Henry’s name on the screen staring back at him. “Please, just come back.”
June’s hand tightens around his, but he can barely feel the pain in his bones. His brain is too busy with images of piercing blue eyes and blushing red cheeks, long fingers brushing the back of his hand and an angelic voice with whole-hearted laughs.
The earth-shattering realization that he might never hear it again.
Fat tears escape his eyes again, and he shuts them forcibly. Salty water wets his lips. “Come back to me.”
Two weeks earlier
There was music all around him, and Alex was having the time of his life.
“To the production of ‘Roses, Wisteria, and Royal Bluebells!’” Pez screamed at the top of his lungs, raising his hand and almost spilling half of his beer on the floor. All around him people screamed and cheered, actors and crew and makeup artists alike.
“To the magnificent Zahra, who is… aggressively making out with her fiancé in that corner. Good for her.”
Less people cheered for that, but that was to be expected. Zahra was objectively terrifying.
“To my best mate that I had to drag to auditions with me, the one currently groaning in embarrassment and hiding his face behind his hands. Show us your pretty face, Haz!”
Alex whooped as Henry dropped his hands again and tried to glare at Pez, doing a poor job of hiding his grin. He mouthed the words ‘I hate you’, but it only made Pez laugh harder.
“To Percy Okonjo!” Alex yelled and raised his glass, and everyone yelled with him as Pez bowed dramatically and almost lost his balance.
They’d done it – they’d finished filming the movie after three and a half months of hard work. Alex was proud (and a little sad it was over, to be honest). Pez had insisted on hosting a party to celebrate, so there they were.
“His ego is already bigger than the sun, please don’t encourage him.” Henry whispered the words in his ear in order to be heard over the noise around them, but it still sent a small shiver down Alex’s spine to feel his breath hitting his skin.
He grinned lazily, a little tipsy. “He’s too drunk to remember this in the morning. I think we all are.”
Henry shook his head and took another swing of his drink, and didn’t stop fucking smiling. He looked relaxed and carefree, cheeks tinted pink from the alcohol flowing in his blood. Alex was in serious risk of doing something inadvisable.
He was wrong, in the end; he woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and his phone ringing, but it did nothing to erase the memories of Henry’s laugh in his ears, watching his throat bob as he swallowed, the feeling of their shoulders bumping side by side. He could still feel his skin burning under his clothes.
And now filming was over, and he didn’t know when – if – he’d see Henry again.
It was fine, obviously. No big deal. He’s fine.
June 8th
His knuckles are white from gripping the phone so hard. June’s murmuring something under her breath in Spanish – it sounds like a prayer their abuela taught them when they were kids, but he can’t be sure.
And Henry still isn’t picking up the phone.
Alex doesn’t like to jump into conclusions – even though it’s all he’s done for the past (five minutes? Five hours? He has absolutely no fucking clue) – but his heart feels ready to give out.
Then he promptly stops breathing.
On the screen, the words ‘dialing…’ under Henry’s name disappear, replaced by numbers: 00:00, 00:01—
“Alex?”
21 hours earlier
“Clubbing?”
He was about to start to set the table when his phone rang with Henry’s name on the screen, making his heart immediately start beating faster. He quietly excused himself and ignored June’s glare, sticking his tongue out at her.
“I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept.” He could practically hear Henry’s smirk.
“I know what clubbing is, you asshole, I’m just surprised by the sudden invitation.”
“Yeah, well.” Henry cleared his throat. “Pez got it into his head that he’s going to drag me to this club tonight, ‘Ritz Bar and Lounge’, I think it’s called? There will no doubt be vodka, Alex.”
Alex stifled a laugh. “Vodka makes you fun.”
“Excuse you!” He tried to sound indignant, but he very much sounded like he was holding back a huge grin. “I’m offended by that. Are you saying I’m not fun to be around otherwise?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dare to make such an accusation,” Alex deadpanned.
“Demon. You’re a demon.” Henry sighed on the other end of the phone. “Please come? I’d like it if you came. You can keep me company when Pez eventually abandons me for the dancefloor.”
“What, you don’t dance?”
“Absolutely not,” he said decidedly, but it wasn’t hard for Alex to picture a small smile on his lips.
He must’ve been imagining Henry’s hopeful tone in his head. Certainly. He considers the invitation, and he so desperately wants to say yes, except…
“‘Ritz Bar and Lounge’. That’s in New York, right?”
“Yes…” Henry answered after a beat of silence. “Would that be a problem?”
“Most of the time, it wouldn’t.” He bit his lower lip. “But… I’m kind of in Texas right now? My parents and sister were all here at once and I haven’t seen them in weeks, so it made sense.”
“No, of course,” Henry agreed hastily, tone soft. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were with your family, I wouldn’t have called if I had known.”
“You can call me anytime,” Alex said before realizing what that sounded like. “Or, you know, text. Or something. It’s fine.” Real smooth, Alex.
“I’ll remember that,” Henry said softly. “Have fun with your family; I won’t keep you any longer.”
Alex bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from blurting out ‘you could’. “Raincheck, though?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound as eager as he felt. “I would definitely love to get some vodka in you and force you to dance.”
“I would like to see you try. No,” he added tightly a moment later, “that was not a challenge. Do not take it as a challenge, I beg you.”
“You ask for too much,” Alex retorted just as Ellen’s voice reached his ears. “Okay, my mom is calling because lunch is apparently ready. But raincheck. Definitely raincheck.”
“I’m reconsidering the invitation.”
“You wouldn’t!”
Henry’s laugh stayed with him for the rest of the day.
June kept shooting him weird looks at the table. He did his best to ignore them.
June 8th
The relief hits him like a thirty feet wave, and he exhales so much air he’s afraid there’s no oxygen left in his lungs.
Somehow, he starts crying harder.
“Henry,” he chokes out through a fresh wave of tears. “You— you fucking asshole, how could you do this to me—”
“Alex, what— are you crying? What’s wrong?”
“Everything. You said you were going out and then that happened and I panicked and I called you and you didn’t fucking answer and I was so scared, Hen—”
“Darling, I need you to breathe for me, okay?” And Alex hadn’t realized it but he’s not breathing right anymore, his breaths coming out short and shallow as he struggles to get oxygen flowing in his lungs again. “Just take a deep breath, okay? Focus on my voice.”
It’s hard, but Alex manages to stop an oncoming panic attack by concentrating on his breathing and Henry’s voice in his ear. Vaguely, he’s aware of June squeezing his hand before letting go and leaving the room.
“Can you tell me what happened now, please?” Henry asks quietly, voice soft and calming.
Alex closes his eyes, fighting off another flash of panic. “You said you were going out to ‘Ritz Bar and Lounge’ last night. And then the news this morning, I just thought—” His voice cracks slightly. “Henry, I thought you were dead.”
There’s a long pause on the other end of the line. “Dead?” Henry asks at last; he sounds utterly confused. “What— Alex, what are you talking about? What news?”
“The news on channel one, the…” His eyes travel back to the television on their own accord, and he swallows. “You haven’t seen it?”
“No.” Henry’s voice is small and somber.
There’s sound in the background that Alex realizes it’s Henry switching on a television and sitting down heavily after a few moments with a murmured ‘fuck.’ “And you thought…”
“Yeah,” Alex confirms hastily. Another terrifying thought enters his head. “Was Pez… oh God, did he—”
“He’s fine,” Henry hurries to reassure. “He had some kind of emergency last night – nothing bad, he assured me – and had to fly back to England. Needless to say I didn’t feel like going clubbing on my own, so I went back to my hotel and fell asleep watching Stars Wars.” He swallows audibly. “I’m sorry I missed your first call, I was leaving the shower and couldn’t get there fast enough.”
A quick, hysterical laughter escapes Alex’s throat along with another stray tear. “It doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you’re okay. Jesus, Hen, I thought—” his voice drops to a shaky whisper. “I thought I’d lost you for good.”
Henry doesn’t say anything for a moment, doesn’t make a sound. Then there’s a sharp exhale before he speaks, voice low to mirror Alex’s and impossibly gentle. “Alex, you could never lose me.”
“Promise?” It’s childish, asking Henry to promise something he has no control over, but Alex is beyond common sense at the moment.
“I promise.” Henry doesn’t even hesitate. “I’m so sorry for scaring you like this.”
Alex shakes his head instinctively, even knowing Henry can’t see it. “Not your fault. You had no way of knowing this would happen.”
“I know, but still.” Henry’s voice is laced with a guilt he shouldn’t be feeling. “I would never forgive myself for hurting you in any way.”
Alex’s breath catches in his throat. That thing in his gut is back again, the one that always comes back when he’s around Henry or thinking about him; it plucks something deep inside him and he doesn’t know what it is but it’s nice, a mix of nervous excitement and terrifying joy.
“Henry, I…” he starts but doesn’t know how to finish, and trails off. And suddenly…
He has a name for it; for the feeling in his chest whenever Henry smiles at him, for the butterflies in his stomach at the sight of Henry’s ocean blue eyes, for the smile that spreads on his lips every time at the sound of Henry’s beautiful laugh.
He didn’t know – he thought it was just a silly crush that would fade away eventually. He wants to smack himself for being so fucking stupid.
Because he’s in love with Henry. He’s been falling in love with Henry for months, with his laugh and his eyes and the awful tea he drinks and the small smile he always keeps for Alex; the selfies in bed he never responds to and the shitty memes they send each other in the early hours of the morning because none of them can sleep for shit. Alex loves it, loves him, every nerdy and neurotic and beautiful part of him.
He wants to say it, wants to shout it from the rooftops because Henry deserves to know, but his brain is obviously not functioning well yet because what actually comes out of his mouth when he opens it is—
“Marry me.”
Well. He didn’t mean to say that. But he also… didn’t not mean it.
Henry says nothing for a long while. Alex thinks he might be holding his breath. “What?” he whispers finally, and to his credit, he doesn’t sound disgusted or horrified; mostly just surprised.
Right. Train of thought, Alex. Elaborate.
“I love you,” he clarifies, and if Henry wasn’t holding his breath before he definitely is now. “I hadn’t realized it until now, but— sweetheart, I’m so in love with you it’s ridiculous. I wish it hadn’t taken me literally thinking you were dead to understand it, but I’m known to be an oblivious ass on my better days.” An estranged laugh leaves Henry’s lips and Alex finds himself smiling too. “The thought of being without you makes me want to hide in a cave for the rest of my days and claw my fucking eyes out, and I know it sounds like it’s the adrenaline talking but it’s not. Well, not all of it at least.”
He pulls himself up on the ground, standing on wobbly knees. He takes a moment to breathe and listen to his own heartbeat. It’s fast, alarmingly so, but it’s not hopeless fear anymore. Maybe it’s just hope.
“I meant everything I said; every single word. Marry me. Make me the happiest man on earth and all the clichés in the universe and be my husband so we never have to spend another day apart. Please.”
This time, there’s barely any pause before a soft “Okay” reaches Alex’s ears.
He exhales shakily and smiles eagerly. “Yeah?”
“Yes,” Henry says firmly, a grin so obviously plastered on his face Alex aches to see it. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Christ, you are ridiculous but I love you so bloody much I only wish I had asked it first.”
“You didn’t, though,” Alex says wetly, a little smug. “The big romantic gesture is all me.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, love.” His voice is soft and intimate, and Alex’s heart soars inside his ribcage. “God, I wish…”
I wish you were here with me. Or that I could be there with you.
None of them says it, but now it’s all Alex can think about. And doesn’t that just make something in his chest snap, settle deep in his bones that shakes into his core.
He needs to see him.
It’s such a sudden, visceral need that it almost knocks him down to the ground again, and he has to hold onto the back of the couch to remain upright. “I’m getting on a plane. I’ll book a flight right now and be there as soon as humanly possible. They have to have direct flights to New York right now, right?” He mumbles the last part mostly to himself, already pulling the phone away from his ear to buy a ticket online. Absurdly expensive, but available: economy class, boarding in less than two hours.
“You don’t have to—”
“I’m going,” Alex says decisively, cutting Henry off sharply. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before speaking again in a much softer tone. “Do you want me to come?”
Another steady exhale. “More than anything.”
“Then I’m going. I’ll be there soon, sweetheart.”
The flight to New York is the most excruciating three and a half hours of Alex’s life.
The anxiety is back; even knowing Henry is safe in his hotel room isn’t enough to keep his heart from beating too fast or his knee from flying up and down at a million miles a minute. The lady sitting next to him keeps giving him dirty looks and huffing loudly, but he can’t even begin to care.
He clings to the backpack that June had packed for him in a hurry as soon as he hung up the phone. He’d barely had time to say goodbye to his parents before a cab was pulling up in the driveway, probably also June’s doing. “Go get your man,” she’d said encouragingly while pushing him out the door, and he’d never been more grateful for her than in that precise moment.
He plays games on his phone for ten minutes before realizing he’s at 20% and turns it off entirely (it’s not like he can call Henry yet, anyway). He counts to a thousand in his head, hums lyrics under his breath, looks out the window to the clouds below them and keeps thinking of Henry’s voice in his ear, saying “I love you” in that soft accent of his – unsurprisingly, it’s what keeps him from falling apart again.
He texts him as soon as his feet hit solid ground again, a quick “I’m in NY, getting there soon baby” and grabs the next available cab. The ride to the hotel is relatively short and Alex takes that time to try to calm his racing heart. It sort of works, but not really.
He calls Henry again when he’s about to arrive. It doesn’t even ring for five seconds before he picks up.
“What’s your room number?” Alex has never been big on greetings, but Henry doesn’t even hesitate.
“I can meet you at the front desk—”
“No!” Alex yells without thinking. The driver narrows their eyes at him through the rearview mirror and he forces himself to take a deep breath. “No,” he says again, much softer now and vulnerable. “Just stay put. Please, sweetheart? So I can know you’re safe.”
“Okay,” Henry agrees softly, instantly. Fuck, Alex loves him. “I’ll stay right here, love.”
He gives Alex his room number and stays on the phone with him until the car stops in front of the hotel and they hang up. Alex hoists the backpack higher on one shoulder and tips the driver handsomely before pulling the front door open and entering the elegant hotel.
He barely pays any mind to the decorations and heads straight to the elevator, pressing a button that will lead him to the sixth floor. He fidgets with the edge of his sleeves as the elevator moves excruciatingly slowly, the floor level slowly changing from 3, 4, 5…
As soon as it reaches the final destination with a ping, Alex is quickly walking out. His eyes frantically search for that specific room he so desperately needs, but before he can find it there’s a door opening. Tousled blond hair and clear blue eyes appear in the corridor, and Alex’s feet are rooted to the floor.
Lips tug up in a crooked smile. “Hi, love.”
Alex is running without consciously making the decision to.
He collides with the hard planes of Henry’s chest, nearly crushing him with the force of his hug and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Henry’s arms come around him as Alex hides his face in the crook of his neck, pushing their bodies impossibly close together. It takes a moment for Alex to realize his whole body is shaking, and then another to feel the hot tears running down his face.
“Baby,” he whispers with a small, choked-up voice. Henry’s arms tighten on his back. “Oh my God, Hen.”
“I know, darling,” he says soothingly, pressing a kiss to the top of his curls. “I know.”
Somehow, Henry manages to lead them backwards into his room and close the door before they fall to the ground, Alex practically in his lap and desperately clinging to his neck. He’s probably soaking Henry’s shirt collar with his tears, but he can’t bring himself to pull away.
“It’s okay, love.” Henry keeps murmuring sweet nothings in his ear that somehow make Alex cry more. The hand that isn’t on the small of his back comes up to cup the back of his head and tangle in his curls, gently massaging his scalp. “We’re safe. I love you. We’re okay, I promise.”
It’s exactly what Alex needs right now; Henry’s steady heartbeat under him, deft fingers running through his hair, soft whispers in ear. It helps him slow down his breaths and think through the hazy feeling in his brain.
He pulls away after a few minutes when the sobs die out, only enough to look into Henry’s eyes and meet bottomless blue and delicate features. Both of Henry’s hands cup his face gently, soft thumbs trying to wipe away the tear tracks on his cheeks and making Alex laugh wetly.
“Jesus, I’m ridiculous,” he says mostly to himself, and a small smile stretches on Henry’s mouth. “You’re okay. You’re amazing, and you’re safe, and I’m still crying and it’s so stupid—”
“Hey,” Henry interrupts gently, poking Alex’s cheek with his index finger. “That’s my fiancé you’re talking about there. I can’t just sit here and listen to this slander.”
Alex laughs again, and it’s still a little wet but also a little bright, because he’s so fucking happy right now he doesn’t know what to do. “I just… really thought I’d never get a chance to do this,” he says, connecting his fingertips with Henry’s jaw to make sure he’s real and this isn’t some kind of cruel dream. “But I do, and I still can’t believe it.”
“And what exactly is it that you want to do, love?” Henry’s eyes drop momentarily to his lips before flicking back up.
Alex’s smile widens; he’s done crying now. His fingers travel along Henry’s jawline and down, settling gently on the nape of his neck. His free hand cups the side of his face, gently tracing his thumb along Henry’s lower lip. “I’d very much like to kiss my fiancé now, if that’s all right with him.”
Henry hums and pretends to think about it before smiling brightly. “I think he’d be amenable to that.”
Alex can’t even think of a comeback before Henry tilts his head up and presses their lips together in a sweet kiss that tastes a little like salty tears and a lot like a promise.
It’s a revelation. It’s Henry’s mouth soft and pliant beneath him, gentle hands on his face and the dip of his waist; it’s Alex’s soft sigh of contempt as he sinks into it and buries his fingers in soft blond hair; it’s Henry’s tongue on his bottom lip and Alex opening up above him, biting his lower lip in retaliation and grinning at the soft gasp it drags out of Henry.
It’s also a ringtone that comes out of nowhere and makes Alex jump so hard he almost falls backwards, if it weren’t for Henry’s hands steadying him.
“I think it’s coming from your backpack,” Henry says with bitten-red lips, already stretching out his arm to pull it closer.
Alex wants to ignore it, but he knows he can’t – it’s probably June. “I said I’d call June when I landed but I forgot, fuck,” he swears quietly, digging his phone out and answering it immediately. “Bug, I’m sorry—”
“Good, you’re alive,” she says, obviously trying to sound angry but clearly relieved. “Don’t fucking scare me like that.”
“I know, I’m so sorry—”
“Are you with him?” she interrupts again, and it would’ve irritated him if he wasn’t so busy blushing furiously.
“Yeah,” he says, looking back at Henry’s concerned expression and feeling a smile creep up on his face. “Henry says hi.”
“Hi back.” She sighs. “Okay. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Mom is probably gonna want to call you too.” There’s a pause before she speaks again. “He’s really special, isn’t he?”
Henry looks up at him with confused blue eyes, and Alex doesn’t stop smiling. “He is. He really is, Bug.”
“Then I’m happy for you.” He can almost hear her smile.
“What is it?” Henry asks when the call is over, and Alex keeps looking at him in wonder.
“June was worried and asking for you. My parents might call later too.”
Henry bites his lip. “Do they… know about me?”
Alex brushes the back of his knuckles over Henry’s soft cheekbones. “No. Though June probably guessed; she was with me when I tried to call you.” The hand on his waist tightens slightly, a reassuring gesture. “But I barely had time to talk to my parents before getting in a cab to the airport.”
Henry smiles and kisses him again. “I’m really glad you came, love,” he whispers against the corner of his mouth. “But you did say you haven’t seen them in ages. They’ll need an explanation.”
Alex hums, leaning in again. “That’s true,” he muses quietly. “Maybe I should go back.”
Henry’s eyes flash with a sudden sadness that he tries to hide. “It’d be for—”
“Come with me,” Alex blurts out and Henry stops talking. “Come back to Texas with me. Meet my family.”
Henry looks at him with an unreadable expression before smiling tentatively. “Yeah? You want me to?”
“Baby, how is that even a question?” Alex asks incredulously, squishing Henry’s cheeks in his hands. “Yes, I want you to meet my family. They’re gonna love you, I promise.”
Henry’s grin is too big for his face. “Then I’d love nothing more.”
Alex kisses him again in response – he’s only been doing it for less than ten minutes, but he’s already addicted to the taste of Henry’s mouth, the way he melts under his lips.
“You should rest first,” Henry says when they’ve pulled back to rest their foreheads together. “You look exhausted, love.”
Alex feels it. The adrenaline that fueled him for the past few hours has almost completely vanished, leaving him so burned out he feels like he could sleep for a week. Any other day, any other person and he would’ve disagreed, but Henry is running his fingers up and down his spine and he feels his eyelids get heavier by the minute.
“Yeah, okay. Stay with me?” he asks, which is a dumb question but he’s not too concerned.
“Come on.” Henry takes his hand as they stand up and walk to the bed, lacing their fingers together. “We’re gonna sleep for a few hours, and then we’re gonna eat, and then we’ll figure the rest out. Alright?”
“I can live with that. Hey,” Alex says sleepily, stopping Henry before he can climb onto the bed.
Henry looks back at him with soft eyes, thumb tracing his knuckles. “Yes?”
Alex smiles and nudges their noses together. “I love you,” he whispers, because he hasn’t said it enough and he really wants to. “I really, completely fucking love you.”
Henry smiles at him like he hung the moon, and Alex figures he could get used to this. He’s kind of excited to.
“I’m gonna buy you a ring,” he says a while later when they’re tangled together under the covers, Henry’s hand deep in his curls as he lays on his chest.
“I don’t need a ring.”
Alex smiles and looks up at him. “I know. But do you want one?” Henry’s silence and furious blush are answer enough, and Alex grins in triumph. “Exactly. I’m putting a ring on it.”
“You’re a demon. A plague. An absolute menace. I can’t believe I’m marrying you.”
Alex shuts him up with a kiss they both smile into and thinks ‘yeah, me fucking neither.’