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Not to be dramatic, but Charlie was freaking out. He couldn’t find his most recent letter, Isaac, Tao, and Elle were all acting weird, and now Nick “wanted to talk.” It was a lot to deal with at once, and he had no one to turn to for advice.
He counted his steps as he walked towards the park, breathing in patterns of three. It would be fine. Obviously. It’s early afternoon, on a relatively bright day, nothing was going to happen. Certainly nothing like Ben.
The park wasn’t too crowded, despite the nice weather, so it was easy to find Nick. He could pick out Nick from a crowd of thousands, just by looking for his smile. But Nick wasn’t smiling today. Charlie wiped his palms on his pants and waved, closing the distance between them.
“Hi.” He said, barely resisting bouncing on the balls of their feet. Nick just looked at him, a world full of regret and anguish resting in his tear filled eyes. With almost no hesitation Nick pulled Charlie into a crushing hug, clutching their jumper like they might disappear if Nick didn’t hold him tight enough.
Cautiously, Charlie returned the hug, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Nick to pull back and say something that would ruin his fantasy of being remembered. Of being loved. It never came. Instead, Charlie gave in, melting into the hug and practically relying on Nick to keep them upright. He was so distracted by the new scented hair wash Nick used that he almost didn’t notice the tears dampening his own shoulder.
“Nick, wait, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” He tried to lean back but Nick didn’t let him move. Charlie exhaled and moved one hand up to gently run through his hair, hugging him tighter. Maybe, this would not go as well as he pretended it would.
The few people around them were now blatantly staring, and Charlie did his best to scare them away with a murderous glare. No one got to ogle them like they were some cheap sideshow act. Whatever Nick was going through was important, and real, and it was none of their business.
When Nick finally emerged from hiding in Charlie’s shoulder, he didn’t go far. They kept their arms locked around each other, the air surrounding them electric. There were still tears in Nick’s eyes.
“I’m just so sorry,” Nick croaked, voice cracking over the last word. Charlie’s heart lodged in his throat, forcing his silence. He felt his skin go numb as Nick continued, despite the warm light breaking through the clouds. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”
Charlie could only stare as Nick broke down in front of him. They couldn’t breathe, he wanted to speak or scream or do anything, but his mouth was full of cotton and his throat hurt too much from holding back their tears. They tightened their fingers in Nicks shirt, desperately swallowing around the violent beating of his heart.
“For what?” He whispered, the flicker of hope caged between his ribs coming to life. Nick brought one hand up to wipe his face, weakly trying to compose himself.
“I didn’t—I didn’t read them, I didn’t know… I can’t—“ Nick could feel his breathing come faster, tears blurring his vision as Charlie’s face falls. He couldn’t breathe, why did he think this was a good idea? Charlie shouldn’t forgive him, he doesn’t deserve it. It’s not his fault, but at the same time, isn’t it? He ignored every sign in front of him, living blissfully unaware while he was ruining his past best friends life.
“Nick, just breathe. Just breathe with me, it’s okay. I promise you, it’s okay.” Charlie cupped his face, eyes searching Nick’s panicked gaze. They exaggerated their breaths for Nick to follow, slowly bringing them both back from the brink. He hoped the heartbreak was not evident in his smile.
“I don’t remember,” Nick said, grabbing a hold of Charlie’s shoulders like they’re all that’s keeping him upright, “I can’t remember you. It. Us. I—I had an accident. When I was 14, I got really hurt and my brain was, like, properly messed up. I couldn’t remember anything. I got most stuff back, but… not….” He trailed off, throat aching while Charlie processed everything.
“Not… us? You—you really don’t… like, anything?” Charlie asked, the universe coming to a stop around him. Their world had shattered, but this time, the fractal pieces were rearranging, creating a clearer picture. Nick… forgot them. Nick was hurt .
“Yeah… not—not anything. But from the moment I saw you I—I knew. I knew something, it’s like my heart ached for you but my brain didn’t know why—“ He kept explaining, but Charlie stopped listening, caught on a phrase.
“Your heart… ached, for me?” They whispered, desperately searching for something they weren’t sure Nick could give him. Nick stopped in his tracks, a blush rising on his face. He moved his arms to wrap back around them, fiddling with the edge of Charlie’s jumper.
“I… yeah. I guess it did. That day in the coffee shop, when I couldn’t stop staring, it was like my heart needed to be close to you, but I had no idea why. It scared me, a lot honestly. Imogen was the one that convinced me to talk to you.” Nick lowered his gaze, still sniffling from crying.
“Oh.” Charlie breathed, feeling the spark light within him again. That wasn’t nothing.
“I’m just so sorry,” Nick added, wiping his face again, “and I’m such a mess right now, this is kind of embarrassing.” He chuckled, Charlie joining in.
“I think it’s cute.” They said, a small smile on their lips. Nick flushed even more, eyes darting away.
“Right—uh. Yeah—yeah, okay. Yeah.” Nick stuttered, missing the lovesick look on Charlie’s face as he finally backed away.
“I need to, um. I have—“ he pointed vaguely over his shoulder, “to, uh. Work. I have work today. Um, like right now actually.” Charlie’s eyes widened, staring at Nick with an unreadable gaze.
“Oh my god, you idiot, go work! Why would you do this before your shift?” He yelled, starting to shove Nick in the direction of the coffee shop.
“I had to tell you! It wasn’t—it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t tell you.” He said, barely fighting against Charlie’s insistent shoves.
“We can talk more later, Nick. Please, go to work, don’t get fired because of me.” Charlie pleads.
“I do still owe you your perfect coffee.” Nick smiled, ignoring how hot and stuffy his face felt. Charlie looked happier than Nick had ever seen him, the sun bathing them in warm light. This was good. It was good.
“Bye, Nick.” Charlie said, looking expectantly at him.
“Bye, Char.” He replied, not even realizing what he said until he was two streets away.