Work Text:
The Oddities of Hobbits, by Princes Fíli and Kíli
A note for posterity: This text should not be considered an serious academic study of Hobbits. Although it does contain some accurate information, it was written in a lighthearted manner. It is included here because it can provide some information (for those with a keen eye) on the attitudes and relationships between those in The Company of Thorin Oakenshield. For any actually wishing to study hobbits and their habits, one should read any volume by Prince Consort Bilbo Baggins, which is sure to mention the Shire, or ‘Shire-Life, An Outsider’s Perspective’, by the Merchant Tehgan, who established the first trade route between the Shire and Erebor.
-Head Librarian Lonin.
…
-One. Hobbits don’t have beards. Fascinatingly, this doesn’t make them beardless scumbags, like elves. We have come to the conclusion that there is a trick that Hobbits have (that female Men share) to cope with their beardless state. Questioning our Hobbit on this trick has, so far, gotten us nowhere. No doubt it is a secret of his race, and so we will respect his secrets, as he respects ours.
(Here there is a note that has been scribbled out, but careful reading seems to suggest that it says, ‘not all elves are bad’. A footnote added by an anonymous scribe reads - The reader may be reminded that Prince Kíli shared a brief courtship with Captain Tauriel of the Woodland Realm, which was cut off when her banishment, which was a result of this courtship, was lifted, and Captain Tauriel returned to Mirkwood.)
However, although they don’t have any beards, they do have a large amount of hair on their feet, which they display proudly. It is theorised by us that this is how they cope with their beardless state. Unfortunately, this doesn’t explain the female Men, but perhaps they have a different trick.
-Two. Their feet are always bare which, as mentioned previously, are very furry. Any doubting the toughness of Hobbits need only look at their feet, which can walk over mountain ranges and through cursed forests unharmed! Although they don’t braid or adorn their foot hair, it is very important to them.
They probably don’t braid it because it’s too short. Uncle (here there is an unintelligible scribble) King Thorin tried to braid Bilbo Baggins’ (Burglar of Erebor, Prince Consort and best Hobbit of them all) foot hair once when they were courting and was grumpy the rest of the day. Even beating Dwalin in the sparring ring didn’t cheer him up!
-Three. Hobbits have no kings. Strangely this doesn’t mean that the Shire is a land of anarchy and ruin, mainly because anarchy and ruin would mean dinner would be late. Bilbo says this means that Hobbits are much more sensible than the rest of Middle Earth. They do have something called a ‘Thain’ which is like a king except (according to Bilbo) not. (There is a lot of scribbling here until the paragraph continues) Bilbo says the Thain is in charge of the Hobbit’s military, apparently called the Bounders! We didn’t even know the Shire had a military! Though the military in the Shire is small because the Shire hasn’t faced any serious threat for an Age. So the position of ‘Thain’ comes with influence but not actual, direct power.
This doesn’t mean that Bilbo is in any way unworthy to be Prince Consort, or Diplomat! He is a True Dwarf-Friend and his deeds shall be sung about until the Remaking of the world.
-Four. Hobbits eat seven meals a day. Whilst any dwarf with an appetite like Bombur might consider this a worthy life goal, these meals aren’t good, dwarf sized meals. They’re small! Whilst it is true that over seven meals a Hobbit might eat more than a dwarf might in three good feasts (possibly, more research is needed) it is odd that any creature might deny the pleasure of gorging themselves properly in a feast.
Unfortunately, Bilbo hasn’t been able to maintain his seven meal schedule with all his duties and we are slowly bringing him round to a three meal one (with lots of snacks).
-Five. Hobbits place a great deal of importance on ‘respectability’. This involves not going off on adventures and doing brave and heroic deeds. Bilbo is an exception because his Mother was from the ‘Took’ family, who are, for some reason, exempt from this rule. So far many of our questions about this ‘respectability’ have produced confusing answers. However, we have learned that buttons are important. As are waistcoats. We still don’t know exactly what waistcoats are.
Bilbo did say that it is said in the Shire ‘If you don’t go looking for trouble, no trouble will come to you.’ We can only presume that this is ancient hobbit magic, and as the Shire is a peaceful place, it must work.
-Six. DON’T CALL HOBBITS ‘HALFLINGS’. This isn’t an oddity really, because being called ‘half’ of something is insulting so it’s not an oddity not to like it. But it’s important so we’re saying it. Don’t do it! Especially if you’re trying to court a hobbit and you have propensity for insulting said hobbit everytime you open your mouth.
Most of Middle Earth calls them Halflings and they shouldn’t. We learned better and you should to.
As a side note, Bilbo can be very scary when he wants to be. Especially when he’s lecturing us. Sometimes as scary as Balin! (though not as scary as Amad) We aren’t sure whether this is a hobbit thing or a Bilbo thing.
-Seven. Hobbits have a tendency to fuss over the smallest things, like handkerchiefs. This is linked to ‘respectability’. How handkerchiefs are involved in ancient hobbit magic we don’t know (we probably should have let Bilbo go back for his handkerchief, now we think about it) but let them fuss (unless they’re going overboard in which case, don’t) and you will have peace and prosperity.
And that is all we will write, but not all there is to know about Hobbits! But we are busy Princes and must now lay down our quills. Farewell, dear reader, and look out, for maybe one day we will write a sequel!
(Below this there is a note that scholars have confirmed is in the handwriting of Prince Consort Bilbo Baggins, which reads, This is amazing. I’m not sure whether to burn it or hang it on a wall. It is worth noting that whilst the Prince Consort – obviously – never burnt the document, there were never any sequels.)