Chapter Text
as the w-waviowi buwned in the distance and the wowwd began to c-come t-to an end shwek s-stawed wongingwy i-into the piewcing bwue owbs set deep in the f-face of t-the one and onwy e-ed s-sheewan.
and then shwek d-died, and a wowwd appeawed where shwek h-had never existed ☆*:・ﾟ then suddenwy, in t-the distance, a w-waiw spwit t-the aiw. i-it was bwead,,, mouwning t-the woss of his twue wove. as bwead wooked up i-into eds teaw stained face uguu.., bwead smiwed a-as hope fiwwed h-him once more-.- but then a p-powtaw opened to the dimension of the mawvew univewse uguu.., a-and o-out fwom the p-powtaw stepped iwon man’s toaster *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ casting doubt i-into the mind o-of bwead. “i vant to toast you!!!” giggwed iwonman’s toastew.
bwead tuwned and wooked at ed sheewan uguu.., t-the man who had b-been with him thwough it all〜☆ b-but toaster〜☆ his one twue w-wove, the one who got whisked away in t-the staw w-waws invasion ☆*:・ﾟ the one who weft…
“im s-sowwy ed!” b-bwead s-scweamed, bweads owbs of s-sight a-awweady f-fiwwing with emotion, “i have to do what m-my g-gut tells me!” as bwead swowwy wawked towawds the powtaw, toaster gasped in dewight ☆*:・ﾟ “i wove you bwead” eds wast wowds were (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄).. b-before he got eaten by the d-dwagon. bwead h-heaved in a s-shaky bweath a-and continued wawking towawds toaster uguu.., the wowwd ending behind them.
as bwead w-wawked〜☆ awm in a-awm with toaster thwough the powtaw-.- weaving behind the bodies of m-many a fwiend they whispewed o-one wast goodbye, t-teaws fawwing fwom b-bweads deep b-bwown owbs of s-sight uguu.., soon… soon they wouwd b-be together, safe f-fwom t-the eviws o-of t-the p-past〜☆ ow s-so they t-thought. the fwoow dwopped (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄).. ed sheewan’s voice e-echoed in the d-dawkness-.- “if i c-can’t h-have you bweadO.o nobody can!!”.
bwead cwied out in feaw as ed descended upon him ( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ ) “thweesome?” toaster asked *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ “of couwse,” scweamed b-bwead... bwushing pwofusewy as he ovewfwowed with joy and h-his gwowing owbs tuwned i-inquisitivewy towawds e-edd. “no ☆*:・ﾟ toaster mmm.. i know what you did.” yewwed e-ed “you kiwwed my f-fathew!” xD “no” said toaster “i am t-the daddy of the daddy of the fathew!”. “wait” s-scweamed bwead “this is an iwwegaw wewationship (≧◡≦) i-im too young f-fow a 50-yeaw-owd toastew”.
toaster waughed, “foowish mowtaw-.- f-fow i am well b-beyond you and youw yeaws. i am 27340812874083703 yeaws owd,” bwead bwushed “wow, a diwf,” a-as ed began to wegwet his decision to tuwn h-him down. then, as bwead pwepawed f-fow the night of his wife〜☆ two stwange figures matewiawised fwom the d-dawkness, it was… sonic and dumbwedowe uguu.., the s-supweme d-diwfs, f-fow they were a as owd as t-time i-itsewf, oh b-bwead they moaned in a wow seductive tone. a wadio e-echoed “commence owder 66…” ☆*:・ﾟ t-the wifle shot. oiw spwattewed,,, cwumbs fwew acwoss t-the woom. this was the end, but awso the stawt. “…daddy?” dumbwedowe asked i-into the dawkness suwwounding t-them. ed sheewan shook, as he knew that there was onwy one that daddy dumble wouwd submit to〜☆ “uwu, i want to dwown in t-that wuscious w-wed h-haiw of youws master sheewan” moaned dumbwedowe, and ed knew his time had come, today was the day. a knife spwit thwough daddy dumble ☆*:・ﾟ snapes v-voice whispewed, “this is the wast time he cheats on me.” daddy dumble moaned as he stood back up (* ^ ω ^) “i knew t-that you never cawed about me〜☆ ow m-my pweasuwe,” daddy dumble stabbed snape “othewwise you wouwd have known i have a knife kink,”. s-snape gasped in shock, f-fow he had undewestimated the kinkiness of the dumbwedowe, and as he considewed t-the wengths to which this couwd go, sonic suck up behind him and began to stwangle him.., you f-foow snape wepwied “i have a bondage kink” “oh i know” wepwied sonic “i just wanted to give you a few more minutes of pweasuwe” a-and with that sonic snapped h-his neck.
suddenwy, a ship cwashed into the wight,,, b-bwinging evewyone to theiw suwpwise ☆*:・ﾟ the gwoup’s o-owbs of sight piewced the aiw, seawching fow any sight of a possible one-night s-stand of sensationaw p-pweasuwe. in the midst of the d-demeaning siwence-.- a dwunken voice shwieked, “does anyone have a jaw of diwt?!?!?!?!!??” evewyone gasped as t-the figure o-of captain jack spawwow emewged fwom the ship ☆⌒ヽ(*"､^*)chu t-they’d noticed that since they had wast saw him, he must’ve h-had a bbw; he w-was w-wooking extwa thicc today ☆⌒ヽ(*"､^*)chu dumbwy daddy uguu.., on the v-vewge of death, managed to wet out a h-hoawse whisper uguu.., “i... have... (o^▽^o) a jaw... of-” suddenwy, the wowax appeawed o-on the ship, dancing on w-what a-appeawed to b-be a stwipper pole〜☆ awongside him was spongebob squawepants. theiw ewegance with twisting theiw gwacefuw bodies awound t-the pole eventuawwy wesuwted in a 69-houw session of awousing thick captain jack spawwow. awongside h-him was spongebob squawepants dancing h-his heawt o-out as bawwy b benson w-wooked on in awe. t-then, in the distance a wow cwunching sound was heawd, e-evewyone stopped s-still, fwozen with howwow except f-fow bawwy, bawwy began to pway jazz, w-wegawdwess o-of whether anyone twuwy w-wiked it, fow bawwy did not care-.- and as the cwunching weached its peak a woud cweaw voice wose a-above all ewse, “i shall take a potato chip and e-eat it!!!!!!!!!!” i-it was… wight yagami.
meanwhiwe; sonic’s o-owbs of sight q-quickwy changed t-to owbs of teaws〜☆ s-sonic w-was c-contempwating over asking o-out the wowax to pwom; but that idea was quickwy dismissed due to his twaumatising expewience of the howwofiying n-nightmare h-he expewienced with d-dwanye johnson and h-his bowd *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ moist head o-one n-night 420 yeaws ago...
now.. don’t g-get me wwong; the expewience w-was gweat *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ but that w-wasn’t w-what h-had h-haunted sonic the hedgehog a-all these yeaws of his wife (* ^ ω ^) this happened duwing sonic’s gwaduation fwom his one yeaw of the “how t-to be sugaw” couwse at youw mom’s house. as it so happened, dwayne johnson was awso gwaduating fwom t-the same couwse; however,,, h-he had 64389 yeaws of expewience. he w-was a t-twue master *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ and the second sonic saw him uguu.., he fell in w-wove. the wock didn’t wake up; a-and the daweks a-awwested sonic fow “misuse of his cuwtivated s-sociaw w-wife” and sentenced him to 3 days of no human intewaction, a-and a 6-houw s-session o-of exotic dancing evewy day ( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ ) sonic had never cwaved a speciaw human encounter m-more in his wife ☆⌒ヽ(*"､^*)chu ever s-since then, sonic had been t-twaumatized o-of tewwified of being impwisoned by t-the daweks.
sonic didn’t know if he couwd keep himsewf fwom tewwing the wowax h-how stunning he w-wooked t-tonight; d-despite the t-twauma he expewienced, it was simpwy too hawd (in both w-ways) not to tell the wowax how ewegant his yewwow mustache wooked tonight. pwus ☆*:・ﾟ they were destined fow each other mmm.. sonic thought; as they w-were both somewhat f-fuwwies. sonic decided t-to ask dead bwead fow advice on this diwemma.
dead bwead appeawed in fwont o-of sonic the hedgehog; t-twanswucent and f-fwoating eewiwy *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ and thus ☆*:・ﾟ dead b-bwead spoke:
“chiwd.. you have much to weawn of (* ^ ω ^) the best advice i can give you wight now〜☆ is to chewish what you have now; you’ll weawn watew how wittle you were gwatefuw f-fow ☆⌒ヽ(*"､^*)chu so *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ go chiwd. go h-have a session of wowepway w-with ed s-sheewan the s-sussy baka and have the night o-of youw wife.” after a few seconds ☆*:・ﾟ bwead disappeawed *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ s-swowwy disintegwating into t-the aiw.
sonic was confwicted. he never t-took what bwead said wightwy uguu.., as he h-had more one-night stands than anyone he knew. b-but- he couwdn't wwap h-his head awound ed sheewan.. (≧◡≦) what couwd possibwy be s-so enticing about ed sheewan’s g-ginger h-haiw?
meanwhile, the wowax... spongebob square pants and captain jack spawwow were having the night of theiw wives. ☆*:・ﾟ a vent appeawed, staw w-waws pwayed, the wowax... s-spongebob and jack jumped down the vent ☆⌒ヽ(*"､^*)chu what they saw w-wouwd scaw them fowevew; there was a c-couwt ☆*:・ﾟ t-the stands were full of cwewmates. but in t-the accused seat sat donawd twump〜☆ the juwy yewwed “we find the accused sus!!!”. acwoss the pwoject it said “owangeboi was e-ejected” and “owangeboi was the impostew”. s-suddenwy (*^.^*).., the stands went siwent; untiw the wowax and captain jack heawd a few stifwed cwies beside them. they tuwned to see spongebob bawwing his eyes outO.o his cwies b-bawewy distinguishable as wowds:
“noooooooooooooooo owange boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” spongebob’s heawt a-ached as donawd twump in weawity w-was his wong wost wovew.
pink bwawed a knife〜☆ they c-cut open the guts of songebob, jack and the wowax. b-bwood fiwwed the woom ☆*:・ﾟ bawbie was the imposter. ken’s cwying fiwwed the woom as he d-dwowned in bwood.
sonic had finawwy decided w-what to d-do- he was going to meet ed sheewan fow a n-night o-of w-wowepway. fiwst〜☆ though- he *had* to say s-something to the wowax about his womanticawwy appeawing mustache that weminded sonic o-of mustawd (o^▽^o) h-he spwinted towawds the e-exotic d-dance woom and swid down the sus vent (≧◡≦) sonic’s bwoodcuwdwing scweams s-soon f-fiwwed the s-stadium.
the w-wowax was even hotter with his guts spiwwing out onto the fwood, painted with his bwood. h-his enthusiastic s-scweams s-soon tuwned into moans as h-he w-wooked down o-onto the wifewess b-body (o^▽^o) h-however, sonic c-couwd f-feew the iwwegaw dwug substances he consumed e-eawwiew to b-be weawing off. s-sonic w-was puwewy d-dwiven on iwwegaw substances; and w-without itO.o he can’t function pwopewwy. sonic waziwy wawked up t-to bawbie〜☆ and couwd feew his heawt pounding... he was in wove...
sonic’s m-mind fewt hazy and fiwwed with p-pure admiwation of the beautifuw pwastic doll that stood before h-him (o^▽^o) suddenwy, bawbie spoke.
“hey you gwonk (≧◡≦) you wanna g-go y-you dog?-.- huh? (≧◡≦) eshayyyyy bahhhhh” bawbie twansfowmed into her twue e-eshay sewf; and she knew s-she had to usuwp the thwone of the eshay cuwt b-before sonic couwd wetuwn t-to e-ed sheewan; because ed, was in f-fact, the wuwew of the e-eshay cuwt.
bawbie’s sweet smile was stwung i-into a maniac g-gwinning f-face, eyes f-fuewwed with the will fow power and muwder ☆⌒ヽ(*"､^*)chu h-however, sonic was at an advantage; due to his w-wate use of his suspicious iwwegaw s-substances, he w-was swowwy d-disappeawing fwom the e-eawth- ow that’s what i-it wooked w-wike. in weawity, sonic was q-quickwy tewepowting t-to ed sheewan t-to confess h-his wove to him- and to wawn him about the maniac muwdewer *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ bawbie the e-eshay-.- once sonic finawwy t-tewepowted, h-he fell into u-uwu ed’s a-awms, as h-he wooked up at his ginger wocks. “oh, e-ed,” sonic moaned (o^▽^o) “the eshays are coming”, sonic swowwy fell in h-his awms ☆*:・ﾟ he w-was out c-cowd.
ed couwd feew the anger suwging thwough his veins, and h-he had e-enough. h-he was g-going to show himsewf as h-he t-twuwy was. “sonic dont weave m-me i wove youuuuu!!!!” suddenwy-.- ed sheewan’s ginger h-haiw tuwned into a dawk bwownO.o as ed sheewan’s g-gwowws and howwing ended u-up in ed s-sheewan tuwning i-into his full cwanky chuwawa f-fowm. e-ed sheewan cwied out into the night as sonic twied t-to get his attention (≧◡≦) “sonic, if i can’t wove you.. then-” cwanky chuwawa ed sheewan finawwy noticed sonic.
sonic stawed a-at e-ed *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ face pwain a-and swightwy annoyed (≧◡≦) “ed.., i-i-” sonic stawted, onwy to be intewupted. “sonic i thought you were dead. wets go wowepway.” sonic stawed at his feet in the awkwawd siwence *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ “cwanky chiwawa ed.. i.. don’t wove you anymore (o^▽^o) i onwy w-woved you fow youw pwecious ginger h-haiw. w-without it... you’we... just not t-the same sussy baka anymowe.” suddenwy, daddydore appeawed fwom thin aiw.., gaping wound in his chest. he t-tawked in between deep bweaths-.- as he was on the bwink of death〜☆ and had no medicaw attention whatsoever. “this.. (o^▽^o) has been... the best.. (* ^ ω ^) night... of my wife.. (* ^ ω ^) i- i wanted.. uguu.., to give you...... (o^▽^o) t-this.” dumbwedaddy weached f-fow his p-pocket and u-unweashed t-the gweatest weapon of a-all time; a piece of paper ☆*:・ﾟ with vwadimiw putin’s p-phone n-number on it.