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There is a Duke who lives in a tower in the middle of a broad, rolling expanse. Most days, dark clouds cling to the top of the tower, leaving the environs shrouded in shadows to one degree or another. Some days, the clouds billow and descend as fog to blanket the entire land. A steely crescent moon is permanently affixed to the sky just above the tiny pennant flags of the tower pole; the gloom never quite reaches this height.
There is a boy who walks around the border of the duchy in rambling, erratic circles. He cannot cross into it but his gaze never leaves the tower at the center. He is the king of light; he is the sun itself.
🌞👔🌱
Charlie sat on the floor of the Nelson living room Christmas afternoon, happily opening his final present from Nick. It was large and lumpy; when he tore open the paper, he found a stack of long-sleeved button-downs, mostly in blue and green hues. He ran a hand over the top one. “It’s so soft, thank you.” He smiled up into Nick’s pleased face.
Sarah chuckled softly. “I swear you two are already an old married couple; who buys their sweetheart clothes?!”
“MUM!” was the extent of Nick’s embarrassed protest before Charlie piped up.
“But they’re lovely! And look at the other things; they’re sentimental!” He waved his arm over the pile next to him. Sarah got up from her own pile and smiled fondly at both of them.
“It wasn’t a criticism, boys! You’re gaggingly adorable, as Tao would say.” She went to get a bag for the rubbish. “Now help me clean up before you run off.”
Curving together face-to-face soon after in Nick’s bed, they giggled over her “married couple” observation, shy with each other about how giddy it made them feel. But then Charlie’s head fell to one side as his eyes lost focus.
“Char? What is it?”
The dark-haired boy turned his attention back to the brown eyes inches away. He scrunched his mouth and huffed out his nose. He looked away again, in search of the words this time.
“Ummmm, I just had one of those intrusive thoughts again. Like me and Geoff are working on…?” Nick nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Charlie wrinkled his lips before shifting his eyes back to Nick’s and admitting wryly, “Not really… which probably means I should.” Nick just smiled softly.
The drummer’s strong, knobby fingers kneaded the duvet bunched between them as his eyes roamed around the room. “So they always come with… like, a cloud? of black dots? They’re not really there! I’m not hallucinating or anything!” Nick made soothing noises. “My brain just… fogs over and that’s what it looks like for a second… Anyway there’s this… dark voice that hisses at me… UGH, I sound delusional!” He groaned and pitched forward, away from Nick.
“Charlie, this description is what Geoff helped you figure out, right?” A quick nod. “And you trust Geoff that naming it will be helpful, right?” A slower nod. “And do you trust me to not judge you?” Nick tried to project all his confidence and love into his voice.
Charlie nodded again. “I, me, the real me! does, yeah absolutely. But the dark thoughts…,” he shrugged rather helplessly. “They’re so mean and afraid all the time! They said… they said…” he gulped and Nick rubbed his bicep reassuringly. “They said you’d never marry someone like me… a boy… when you could have an easy life with a… wife and kids…” Charlie’s face looked like he’d been running flat out in PE and he closed his eyes to regain some peace. Nick just kept rubbing his arm and breathing evenly.
When Charlie opened his eyes again, Nick smiled gently. When the air between them was soft again, he parted his lips and, with an exchange of glances and eyebrow quirks, got Charlie’s wordless approval to ask, “You keep saying They but it’s one voice; is that right? I just want to understand…”
Charlie nodded, his left hand finding Nick’s right next to the headboard and slotting them together. “The voice and the cloud of darkness together… The Shadows, I call them sometimes,” he shrugged, “when I’m trying to fight them off…” his voice started to choke on the words, “but they’re so much stronger than me, Nick…” He finally made eye contact again, surprised to find Nick shaking his head vehemently.
“Oh no, love; they’re not! Come here…” Nick gathered the smaller boy into his chest and started stroking his fingers through his hair. “Thank you for telling me, Char. I know I can’t fix any of this for you… but I really…” Nick sighed, “want to understand and be there for you… And I trust Geoff; what does he tell you to do about the Shadows?”
Charlie burrowed deeper and half-shrugged; he mumbled, “I have homework where I write down what they say so him and me can talk about it.” Nick nodded quietly. “It’s gonna,” frustrated sigh, “take time to learn how to manage them.”
The two boys sat in peaceful silence a long time, Nick’s right hand aimlessly finding new places to rub and caress the whole while. Charlie dozed off, waking to a low rumble in Nick’s chest that he realized was a kind of tuneless song. He picked up his head and looked at his boyfriend quizzically.
Nick smiled a little distractedly and his hand finally stopped moving. “I’ve just been thinking about what you told me… I can almost see it, Char… your clouds.” Charlie sat up more fully, intrigued. “I can see what they do to your face when they pass by…” He shrugged. “But it kinda became a little story bouncing around in my head,” he said sheepishly.
Charlie blinked and then rolled his neck to indicate Nick should continue. Now it was the older boy’s turn to knead the duvet. “It’s like you wake up and learn how big the shadows over your head will be that day… If they’re wispy, you can eat and laugh and function. But some days, they’re covering your whole…” Nick threw his arms wide, “kingdom!”
Charlie’s head tilted, “My wha?!”
Nick laughed and shrugged. “The shadows are a character but you’re the hero, Charlie; I reckon you’re a knight or a king or something.” He glanced up through his eyelashes at the other boy. “You’re the strong one who always fights through it, even when the clouds seem huge.” His smile slowly spread over his entire face as he saw Charlie taking it in instead of scoffing at his silly fantasy.
The dark curls shook slightly and Charlie swallowed. “You think I’m strong…? Me?!”
“Ummmm, yessss!!!!” Charlie just gaped at him. “Char! Who joined the rugby team for a crush and then actually bothered to learn how to play?! Who asked me over anyway when you worried I was just your supportive straight friend?!” They both chuckled at that. Charlie’s eyes were starting to twinkle again; Nick picked up his hand. “And who asked me all the perfect questions when I was scared out of my mind so we could have our first kiss…” Nick’s voice was barely a whisper by now as he used his other hand to cup Charlie’s cheek. “If you weren’t so brave and strong, there never would have been a Nick and Charlie story at all, love.”
They gazed at each other with adoration some long uncounted moments. Nick finally broke the spell with a tiny shrug. “So… yeah… you live in the Shadows but you’re the hero… the King of the Shadowland?” his head tilted.
Charlie shook his head, smiling. “…not the Prince of Shadows.” They both laughed. Nick’s face scrunched. “Hmmmm. A… duke?” Charlie considered and smiled his acceptance. Nick grinned and grabbed his hands. “My Duke in Shadows!”
Charlie’s head tilted again. “In?”
Nick’s grin didn’t slip an inch as he shrugged again. “Yeah, you just live there. You’re not in charge of them, right?” Charlie slowly nodded. “They’re just the weather around your… tower.”
Nick’s eyes grew glassy as his voice wandered on. “I was thinking it’s in a beautiful place, your tower, but you can’t always see it due to the clouds. But, like, you almost always get up and walk out into it anyway, trying to reach the edge of the darkness if you can.”
Charlie was blushing and smiling but he eagerly added, “To find you, my Sun King!” Now it was Nick’s turn to blush and smile as they both remembered that day a month ago when Nick sat in a pool of light wearing nothing at all because Charlie wanted to look at him.
Nick’s eyes began to dance. “Will you change into one of your new button-downs for me?” Charlie blinked at this seeming change of subject. “Aaaand will you,” Nick took a deep breath, “let me watch you change?” Charlie’s mouth fell open slightly. “You know you can say no, love…”
Charlie swallowed, blinked and nodded slowly. He got up, found them and picked up one of the green ones. He sat down on the edge of the bed half-turned towards Nick who remained leaning on the headboard. He looked a little dazed.
“Maybe if you unbuttoned the new one… and then unbuttoned the one you have on… and then, just real quick!” Nick suggested. “I’m honestly okay if you want to skip or wait…”
Charlie’s fingers were already opening up the new one. He kept his eyes down, his striking brows drawn but not scowling. His fingers trembled a little as they moved from the cuffs of the new top to the cuffs he was wearing. His hands moved agonizingly slow up his torso, undoing one button at a time as if he were in a trance.
Nick was barely breathing lest he shatter the mood. His eyes were darting from wrist to navel to collarbone. Charlie’s skin looked so soft everywhere new he could see.
The younger boy undid the top button and his hands dropped into his lap, one thumb jerkily rubbing the opposite cuff. He sat there a long time. Nick remained motionless but he could not tear his eyes away from where the garment was gaping open and he could see one of Charlie’s dark round nipples.
Suddenly Charlie was all motion, peeling the top back in a way that made Nick gasp softly. For a second, it hung there folded back half way down the slender frame and Nick wished he could take a photograph with his eyeballs for future reference. Then the sleeves came off with two fluid swoops and Charlie was fumbling for the new one in desperation.
Nick very obviously looked away at that point and felt rather than saw Charlie relax a little. He didn’t look back until the new button-down was being pulled up Charlie’s back. Nick knew the scars on his arms were at the heart of some major trauma and insecurities; he went back to just watching and breathing shallowly.
Charlie paused with the collar still in his hands as the fabric settled into place on his shoulders. He stretched his neck like a cat and let his arms settle by his sides. He raised his head and looked up at his boyfriend through his eyelashes; Nick’s heart stopped for a moment before thudding on, louder than before.
Charlie’s voice was low and raspy. “You got these just for this, didn’t you? They’re so much lighter than mine and I could keep them on the whole time… we do stuff… You thought about that and got them just so I could practice being comfortable like this?” He waved one hand at his naked belly as Nick nodded silently. Charlie’s eyes welled up and Nick longed to hold him close but the air felt electric and he wasn’t sure why yet.
Charlie closed his eyes as he took a long, shaky breath and then… his body unwound in a way Nick could literally see. When Charlie opened up those beautiful eyes again, he was shaking his head in wonder. “I have all these,” he gestured vaguely at his temple, “things going sideways up here but you still want to be with… the guy fighting shadows… How did I get so lucky?”
Nick shrugged. “I’m pretty sure I’m the lucky one; not only do I have the coolest, prettiest boyfriend alive,” he grinned and then tilted his head thoughtfully, “but I also just… got born in the sunshine.”
“No, you are the sunshine.” Both their faces broke out into fresh grins, Nick’s a split second after Charlie’s.
⛅️☁️🌧
Geoff loves Nick’s story; he and Charlie revisit the metaphor many times, fleshing it out in a way that Charlie can apply to his framing of real life situations.
Some days, the Duke can’t leave the tower at all. He needs sleep and caretaking and that’s okay.
Some days, he stumbles through the fog and doesn’t emerge into the sunlight. He needs space and to give himself permission to flail in ways that don’t hurt anyone.
Some days, he crawls to the border of darkness on bloody hands and knees…
But it will get easier. He is crafting his armor out of his own soul, tempering the metal he pulls from deep inside.
Nick often tells Charlie he can see his steel backbone. He says it again the first time Charlie lets Nick’s fingers gently trace the lattice of scars, sitting completely shirtless in a sunbeam together.
“Sometimes the Duke gets hurt but it’s not his fault.” Nick’s voice is so, so gentle. “He fights so hard, even on the days he knows he can’t win. He’s the strongest person I know.”
☀️🏝️🏊
This year, Sarah and Nick celebrate Charlie’s Truham graduation by taking him back to Menorca with them. The two young men are sharing a bedroom much like the previous villa; the dream is marred only by the presence of David, the homophobic older brother…
Mostly they manage to avoid him and he’s clearly been told to be on his best behavior but dammit if he doesn’t ruin Charlie’s first attempt at joining the game Nick and the twins are playing in the pool!
Charlie clearly remembers packing his bathing suit the previous year but he’d never gotten around to swimming then… always coming up with an excuse when the time came. But it had been hard to see or hear how much fun the others were having and he’d set himself a goal. Next time…
And here they are! Next time is now. But the instant before he’d started to pull his t-shirt off, who should walk out onto the patio but the permanently-sneering Nelson sibling. Ugh. Nick’s eyes were full of compassion and patience but Charlie fumed while he sat and watched from the sidelines again.
Safe in their private space, Charlie is standing completely naked by the bed looking at his arms and trying to decide how obvious the scars might become if he tans. Nick comes out of the en suite and wraps around him from behind. He silently nuzzles into Charlie’s neck for a minute and then walks around to his bag, pulling out and putting on the spare suit he brought since his other is still drying in the side yard. He cocks his head at Charlie, one side of his mouth bent in his signature smile.
The smile takes over his entire face as he watches a steel glint appear in his beloved’s eye. Charlie grabs his own suit off the bed, yanks it on and, squaring his shoulders, walks to the door just like that; he throws it open, winks at him and stalks out. Nick thinks a defiant Charlie is just about the hottest thing he’s ever seen and he practically runs to catch up to him.
🌈❤️🌈
[eighteen years later]
“PAPA, STOP!” Nick catches himself as he practically runs past the open bathroom door, backing up to find their little redheaded Year Two bristling behind her Daddy.
“What is it, Franny?”
Her lower lip is quivering already; oh dear, she’s won this round in the first shot and starting dinner will have to wait. He smiles and enters the small room where Charlie sits on a stool next to the tub, ready to start washing Luca’s hair.
“You have to do the story time; it’s a Big Bad Day,” she wails.
“Is it?” he glances down to check in with his husband, who tilts his head and waves one hand from side to side in the air between them. Nick notices their baby boy is already a little glassy-eyed sitting in the water.
Both of Charlie’s sleeves are rolled up high and one long, elegant hand is holding the side of Luca’s head, gently scratching away the Big Bads that always threaten their special tot when he’s overstimulated. Both of Luca’s still-chubby hands are on Charlie’s forearm, tracking and rubbing the scar tissue there, up and down, again and again.
Nick nods and scoops up their daughter, settling her on his lap as he plunks down on the toilet lid. “What shall it be then, Fran?” She leans up and whispers in his ear; as he nods again, she settles into his neck and then he rubs his beard into the top of her head as he thinks.
“Once upon a time, there was a Duke who lived alone in a tower in the clouds,” he begins, trading warm looks with his beloved. As the familiarity of the script soothes everyone in the room, Charlie is slowly able to ease the shampoo through Luca’s black ringlets.
“Papa, you forgot to say the border is made of rainbows this time,” Franny interrupts self-importantly. “Because rain clouds and sunshine make rainbows!” Nick nods at her very solemnly and catches Charlie’s eye; they smile again.
Luca relaxes into the water from the rinse bucket, finally dropping his Daddy’s arm which has always been his favorite sensory experience. All clean, he goes back to playing with his sea monster bath toys as Charlie stands and grabs a hand towel.
Soon after, Nick is reaching the well-loved finale of their family pattern: “And the Sun King gave the Duke his heart that day, having fallen in love with the strongest man he’d ever met. The End.”
Charlie has been leaning against the vanity to catch the end of story time. His dazzling eyes hold Nick’s as though no time has passed since the first day in Hamlet House.
“But Papa!” Both men, a trifle startled, turn to their headstrong girl attentively. “Where did the Shadows come from?! And what made him strong enough to fight them every day? You never said!”
Nick’s gaze locks back onto Charlie’s and he sees his husband’s chin come up, his face afire with curiosity about Nick’s answers.
“Hmmmm, good questions, m’lass. I think the Shadows were always there somewhat,” he shrugs. “Some people are just born in Shadow lands and that’s how it is. But when he was young, the Shadows in his duchy got bigger when some Big Bads tried to take away the parts of him which were the most beautiful and colorful.” Charlie’s face is still calm and warm.
Nick’s voice throbs with love. “And he’s strong because his insides are made of steel. And he never let them change him; his strength comes from knowing exactly who he is.” With that, Nick stands, gently puts Franny down, steps over and gives Charlie a lingering kiss.
“PAPA, STOP!”
💙🤍💚
The Duke and the King meet at the border almost every day to embrace each other, each time like it is both the first time and the last time they will do so.
The two men then lose themselves in each other’s eyes for a timeless time before leaning in for a kiss as the outlines of their bodies dissolve into the sparkling air, until tomorrow…
The seven tiny pennant flags on the pole atop the Duke’s tower rise up from the wispy clouds: dark indigo at the base fading to light blue and then one in white and then light green shading to dark green at the top. They never lose saturation, they never fray. They constantly flutter in a light wind, creating a dance of beauty and delight if anyone were to see. They are pride, they are strength, they are life.