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Things were fine. The ship was running smoothly, cutting through the water with an almost silent prowl. The sails flicked and whipped back and forth with sudden gusts of wind that propelled them forward over the bright blue ocean. Even the sun was shining, cloudless and bright over the surface of the waves and the top deck.
Everything was okay. The weather was calm, the waves were minimal and there were no pressing and urgent matters that they had to attend to. And even though it was a little bright for Gillion to be out on the deck due to the lack of clouds, he took the calm opportunity to lay out on the deck, soaking up the warmth from the sun.
It was a luxury that he seldom experienced in the undersea, not this type of warmth, never this comforting. It was overwhelming at times and after a few minutes, he would have to saunter under the shade to cool down once more. But the sun felt so nice against his skin, smoothing over his scales and warming the coldness from his bones.
The cold felt nice most of the time, but sometimes the warmth was just something he needed. So while things were fine, he laid out on the top deck, his face turned towards the sky, eyes closed tightly. Gillion sucked in short, rattled breaths that barely filled his lungs, but it was the best he could do while laying on his back. His hair was dry and the moisture that clung to his skin slid down his form as the sun beat down on it.
It was relaxing, he could enjoy himself for a little bit before he got up to continue with the duties that he had around the ship. For he could never spend too much time laying around doing nothing, there was always something to be done around the ship. Whether it be doing some small repairs or even helping one of the other captains make food. There were never shortages of chores to do.
Gillion figured that in a few minutes Chip or Jay would come up to the top deck to do some sort of task, and Gillion would push himself up to his feet to go help. But right now he enjoyed the warmth on his skin, reminded of times when he would swim with his sister as close to the surface as they dared just to let the light shine down on their fins. He never thought that he would be this close to the sun, to feel its unfiltered light against his scales.
A small pang of an emotion that Gillion couldn’t place stabbed in the pit of his chest, echoing there for a few seconds longer than it would be comfortable. The pit it formed remained just behind his ribs, choking up his lungs and making it a bit harder to breathe.
He pushed himself up to a sitting position slowly so as to not make himself dizzy. The rocking of the ship caused him to sway back and forth with the movement. Gillion blinked, dark spots clouding his vision as he rubbed the grogginess out of his eyes.
The sound of his heart pounding filled his ears and Gillion was suddenly very aware of the tightness in his chest, curling around his lungs and causing him to choke. It was as if dread had taken hold of him and squeezed his very being in a vice grip, refusing to let him go.
It had come so suddenly as if a switch had just been flicked, coating his limbs in a sticky sort of sadness, an ache of sorts. His heart hurt, that was where the ache originated from as it pounded rhythmically in a faster than normal rhythm.
Gillion’s mouth felt dry, and his hands were shaking as he slowly pushed himself up to his feet, one arm thrown outward in an attempt to balance himself. Where were Chip and Jay? Surely they would have come above deck by now? It’s been a while since he had seen them last, they must be wondering what he was getting up to.
The thought of his friends caused the pit of dread and sadness to squeeze around his ribcage tighter like an eel had decided to make him its meal. Gillion swallowed thickly past the lump in his throat, looking around the deck to get his bearings.
Nothing had changed in the time that he had been laying out. The sails were still whipping back and forth with the occasional sharp gusts of wind, the ocean waves were calm and gentle, and the sun still hadn’t been obscured by any clouds. Gillion shivered despite the warmth, feeling as if he had just been rattled in a jar.
Alphonse stood at the helm as he normally did, guiding the ship to make sure it stayed on course correctly. The warforged paid Gillion no mind as he shuffled towards the stairway.
The sadness that he felt suddenly morphed into what he could only know as loneliness. A pathetic, needy part of him caused his entire body to tremble and his lungs to shrink up and tighten. He chewed on the inside of his mouth, sharp teeth digging into flesh as he tried not to choke. It hurt. A lot. His heart ached so badly he thought it was going to burst.
It had been fine a few minutes ago, and now Gillion felt like he was falling apart at the seams. Like he was some silly plush toy being pulled apart thread by thread. He wanted to sob at the feeling, the longing that ached deep in his chest, something not entirely foreign, but unwelcome nonetheless.
Gillion gripped the railing on the stairs as tightly as he possibly could, claws digging into the thinning wood. His footsteps were heavy and wet as he stumbled down the small descent, leaning on the wall for support. How pathetic this was, unable to even go a few hours without knowing that the rest of his crew was all right.
That’s all he needed, just to make sure that Chip and Jay were alright. That’s what Gillion told himself. He just needed to check up on them to make sure that they were getting by fine, or that they didn’t need him for something. That’s what he repeated in his mind if only as a way to try and calm the self-deprecating part of his mind that told him how much weakness he was showing.
As Gillion stepped down into the small commons area that they had belowdecks, he immediately spotted Jay sitting at the rickety table. Her foot tapped against the ground, bumping the leg of the table and causing the surface to jerk. She was so focused on the thing she was tinkering with that at first, she didn’t even notice that Gillion had come downstairs.
Jay sucked in her bottom lip, chewing at the skin with little knowledge that she was even doing it. Her bangs had been tucked back with a scrap of fabric to keep them from falling into her eyes as she worked, an intense gaze set in her expression. Her hands were covered in grease and other materials as she poked and prodded at some pieces of metal and some screws.
Gillion found himself staring at her for a long time, his eyes wide as he hesitated at the bottom of the stairway. She was okay, just working on whatever things that Jay liked to work on during the day. She was in no need of assistance and was perfectly fine (and she was still here).
That should be the end of it, Gillion should now go see what Chip is up to, maybe talk to him for a little bit and then go find something useful that he could do on the ship.
But Gillion couldn’t pry himself away from the spot he was standing on, his eyes trained on Jay who was only a few feet across the room. The boat swayed to the side, a couple of bolts rolling across the surface which Jay quickly slapped her hand down over them, not even looking up from the metal object.
When she finally pulled her gaze away from what she was holding, just long enough to balance the screws up on their heads to keep them from rolling, Jay’s eyes darted up to where Gillion was standing.
“Oh, Gill,” she smiled warmly at him, dropping the scrap of metal that she was holding onto the table, “I didn’t hear you come down.” Her chuckle was warm and Gillion would have thought that the pit of sadness in his chest would lessen. If anything it only got worse. He choked back a sob that threatened to worm its way out of his throat, coughing awkwardly into his fist.
“What are you doing?” Gillion asked slowly, forcing his voice level. Jay pressed her lips into a thin line, tilting her head back and forth.
“Just tinkering, nothing big,” she wiped her hands off on her pants which were already stained with grease and dirt, “you need me for something.”
“No… I—” Gillion stopped, his voice cracking suddenly as another ache pierced through his chest. And maybe there was something on Gillion’s carefully crafted expression that gave him away, but Jay suddenly softened.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her eyebrows lifting slightly as she looked at him with the utmost concern that made Gillion’s chest curl tighter.
Not trusting his voice, Gillion nodded shortly.
And suddenly Jay was standing up from the table, her boots thumping against the ground as she approached him with the same sort of caution that you used when approaching a startled or injured animal. Gillion craned his neck to look up to her, tail tucked between his legs as he shrunk back. He curled his arms around himself, not wanting to give in to the pitiful part of his brain that longed just to be near her.
“Your fins are all pinned back,” Jay said and oh, she was right, his ears were pressed against his skull in every sense just to make himself smaller. Gillion hadn’t even realized that he had been doing that.
Slowly, he forced himself to fan his ears back out, avoiding looking Jay in the face.
“What’s wrong, Gill?” she asked, a little more force this time, but not lacking any of the concern or gentleness.
And… Gillion… didn’t have an answer to that question. He didn’t know what was wrong. Only that something was.
His heart was hurting and he felt oh so lonely and needy. And he didn’t even know why or what was causing it. It was as if it had just come to torture him and his poorly brought-up ideologies.
But Jay was still staring at him like she was waiting for an answer. And Gillion had no answer that he could possibly give, it sounded pathetic if he told her that his chest was tight and his heart ached and that he just wanted to be near someone. She would have laughed at him and pushed him away, telling him to go do something useful. Because that’s what Gillion needed to be. He needed to be useful.
“I don’t know,” Gillion finally said in a small, shaky voice. He looked down at his feet, not wanting to see the disappointed expression that he was sure Jay would be wearing.
“That’s okay,” Jay said after a few seconds of silence, “do you want to be alone?”
And gods that was the last thing that Gillion wanted. The thought of being alone made his heart nearly stop and he looked up so fast that he made himself dizzy. An alarmed look crossed his face before he could steel himself, but he knew that Jay caught onto the panic.
“No,” Gillion said quickly, much quicker than he should’ve if he wanted to still pretend that he was alright. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he felt like he was going to burst. Not just his heart, his entire being felt like it was going to burst.
“Okay,” Jay’s few seconds of surprise shifted into another calm expression, “I can show you what I’m tinkering with if you want.”
Gillion forced his breaths to come slower, he wanted to be by Jay so badly, to sit close and just be in her presence. To know that he wasn’t alone. So he forced a jerky nod, knowing that Jay would need some kind of confirmation before she did anything. That’s what she always did. She asked as much as she could and waited for the answers.
Jay smiled again, beginning to walk back to the table and Gillion nervously followed. He pulled the chair out from the other side of the table and placed it as close to Jay’s as he felt he could get away with. She said nothing about the movement, scooting her chair a little closer.
“Chip found this small mechanism on the last island that we went to,” Jay said, pointing to the small object with her tool. Gillion licked his lips and trained his gaze on the item, “I’m trying to figure out what it does or how it works.”
Gillion remained silent, listening to Jay explain what she assumed each gear did or what it was connected to. She pointed out some things, detailing her thought processes and even going through some of the notes that she had quickly jotted down in her short cursive. Gillion understood none of it, but he listened just as intently.
But the longing in his chest didn’t go away, nor did the sadness of it all. He could feel the pressure in his chest, a burning sensation in the back of his throat that caused his ears to ring. He swallowed thickly, pinning his ears back against his skull as he wanted so badly to lean against Jay’s side or to even hold her hand. Anything to stop the burning ache in his chest.
It hurt so badly and he didn’t even know why or what he needed.
In the middle of one of Jay’s explanations, Gillion felt uncooperative tears spill from the corners of his eyes and run down his cheeks. The sensation startled him enough to cause him to flinch, a gasp pulling itself from his throat.
Jay stopped mid-sentence, looking over at Gillion with worry in her expression.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked. She didn’t seem angry that Gillion had interrupted her talking or even a bit frustrated at his childish and pathetic antics. She looked at him with such softness that Gillion couldn’t help but sob, bringing his hand up to his face to hide the tears that were rolling down his cheeks in large, heavy droplets.
He hiccuped, digging the heels of his palms against his eyes, trying to stop himself. But once he was crying, he found that he couldn’t stop, short breaths gasping from his lips as he whined childishly.
A calloused hand wrapped around Gillion’s arm, tugging him forward a bit before he was wrapped up in a tight embrace.
“Gill, hey, it’s okay,” Jay soothed, her fingers curling around the small strands of hair at the back of his neck. Gillion’s entire facade that he had built up broke in an instant. He threw his arms around Jay’s waist, gripping onto the back of her shirt like his life depended on it. He didn’t even know why he was crying, only that there were tears spilling from his eyes.
He sobbed, hiccups making him gasp for breath as any bit of air seemed like not enough. Gillion buried his face into the front of Jay’s shirt, aware that he was getting her clothes wet but he didn’t think he had the willpower to pull himself away from her if he tried.
Jay was whispering reassurances in his ear, tucking his head underneath her chin, even despite the coral that was probably uncomfortable with the position. She ran her hand along his back in a soothing motion, holding him just as tightly as he held her.
He couldn’t breathe, his entire body shaking with the force of his sobs as he cried for the first time in who knows how long, the stress of everything that had happened in the past few months having built up. He sniffled, barely able to take in a full breath before it came wheezing back out.
It felt as if the entire world was squeezing his chest, that pit of sadness welling up and making it hard to think. He couldn’t even feel the guilt of his actions over his cries. A pathetic whine pulled itself from his throat as fat tears continued to soak into Jay’s collar.
And Jay just continued to hold him. She held him until the cries descended into small hiccups. She held him when another round of fresh tears shook his small form. She held him until his cries had almost completely stopped, and then she pulled away just enough so that she could see his face.
Gillion didn’t resist the sudden movement but looked away and refused to look Jay in the eyes. He felt awful. His heart was still aching—albeit less so now—and his head hurt from the weight of his cries. Not to mention the guilt of showing this kind of display in front of Jay. He sucked in a sharp breath, bringing a hand up to wipe at his face.
Even his fingers hurt from how tightly he had been clutching the back of Jay’s shirt.
“Do you feel better?” Jay asked, cupping his cheek in her hand and running her thumb lightly over the patches of scales over his cheekbone. She didn’t ask why he had been crying or what was wrong. She didn’t ask him for some sort of explanation, or even to speak.
She asked a simple yes or no question, one that Gillion could answer nonverbally.
Gillion swallowed thickly, he still felt like he could fall apart at the slightest provocation, a tenderness filling his soul like an open wound. He was shaky and his eyes hurt and his head ached. Not to mention the shame that bloomed across his face in a dark shade of turquoise.
But he did feel a little better than before.
So he nodded faintly.
Jay smiled gently, continuing to rub her thumb over his cheek, wiping stray tears that still tried to fall. Her touch was so soft and gentle that it almost sent Gillion into another fit of sobs. Almost.
“Are you okay?” Jay then asked, another yes or no question.
Gillion shook his head, the first full truth he had ever given to that question. A small weight was lifted off his shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Gillion shook his head.
“Do you want another hug?”
Gillion nodded and Jay pulled him back into her arms, squeezing him tightly, and didn’t let go until Gillion had fully and completely dropped his arms back to his side. She pressed a small kiss to his cheek, her lips lingering there for a few seconds as she held his face in her hands.
Jay let out a slow breath, tucking Gillion’s bangs away from his face.
“You know it’s okay to cry,” Jay said, not really expecting an answer but wanting to reassure him nonetheless, “it’s good for you. It’s not healthy to keep that all bottled up.”
Gillion frowned slightly and looked away, ashamed.
“You don’t need to feel bad about showing emotion,” Jay insisted, carding her fingers through his hair, “a good cry every once in a while helps a lot, you know.”
Gillion didn’t know how much he believed that, even if he felt a bit lighter, the exhaustion he felt was enough to nearly throw him off his feet if he were standing. He slumped against Jay’s chest, a whine leaving his throat. Jay rubbed his shoulder.
“If you bottle it up like that, sometimes it just spills out randomly,” Jay continued talking and Gillino found that her voice was pleasant to listen to. It was slightly lilted and quiet like she was being purposeful not to be too loud. She had a peculiar accent, one that Gillion hadn’t heard from anyone else. But he was sure that he did too.
Chip had a different accent than Jay, one much rougher and slurred. He spoke fast and sometimes Gillion had a hard time understanding him because sometimes his mind refused to translate common properly and he got it mixed up with Aquan.
The thought suddenly reminded Gillion of the other member of the crew, his heart leaping up to his throat in his rush to convey what he meant. Gillion pushed himself away from Jay, sitting up sudden enough to cause dark spots to blot in the corners of his vision.
“Chip,” he squeaked out, voice hoarse and sounding so much smaller than it usually was. His ears twitched back and forth and he looked up at Jay with wide eyes.
“I think he’s in the sleeping quarters,” Jay said and at least she seemed to understand what Gillion meant. She slid her hand down to intertwine with Gillion, helping him stand on wobbling legs like this was his first time walking out of water. Her grip was tight and secure and she squeezed his hand gently, wrapping her other arm around Gillion’s shoulders.
They (mostly Gillion) stumbled the short distance over to the sleeping quarters and when Jay pushed the door open, Gillion almost immediately spotted Chip laying on his cot with his bandana pushed down over his eyes. He was snoring slightly which must have been the reason why he hadn’t heard Gillion’s sobs.
Pulling himself away from Jay, Gillion flopped down on top of Chip with a short exhale. Chip woke with a start, fumbling to bring his hand up to move his bandana away from his vision. Gillion could feel more tears prickle in the corners of his eyes but they fell silently, no sobs to accompany them.
“Hey, buddy,” Chip said upon seeing the mass of green hair fluffing up in front of his nose, “what’s up?”
Jay sat down on the edge of the bed, putting a hand on Gillion’s back. Gillion didn’t see the silent conversation they had between them, but within a few seconds, Chip’s arms were encircling Gillion’s waist, pulling him a bit tighter.
“I got you, Gill,” Chip whispered, a yawn pulling itself from his lips as Chip shifted slightly. Gillion felt another shuddery sob bubble up from the back of his throat as another round of tears fell from his tightly squeezed eyelids.
He shook and trembled, tears causing him to sniffle and hiccup with scattered breaths. Chip rubbed his back, humming slightly under his breath. Jay smoothed his hair away from his face, her fingers carding gently through his bangs and scratching at his scalp.
Gillion was unable to stop the tears from coming, a sense of fragility that seemed to surround him as if he were made of thin glass. But Chip held him tightly, holding the shards together to keep from splintering off too much. And Jay was there too to smooth back the edges that caused more tears to wrench from Gillion’s eyes.
He could feel Chip’s humming reverberating in his chest and Gillion focused on that until his sobs calmed and he was able to take in a full breath without gasping. He felt bad, now he had gotten tears soaked into Chip’s shirt as well, unable to contain himself for even a few minutes. Gillion was splitting at the seams, a constant feeling like he was going to break still shattering in his chest. How pathetic he was.
But Chip and Jay were gentle with him, they held him tightly like he was falling apart and yet the embrace was the most comforting thing in the world. Chip smelled like salt water, they all did after spending a day at sea and Gillion breathed in the familiar scent. That alone was enough to slow his racing heart.
He still felt like crap. His eyes were burning and he had a throbbing headache but at least Gillion’s chest felt a little lighter. The tightness had lessened some as a weight that he didn’t even know he had been carrying lifted off his shoulders.