Chapter Text
Rainbow Bridge
Based on the two sketches by Alice Oseman
The day had dawned cold and bright, the sunlight glittering off the frost that had covered the world. Nick looked out of his bedroom window and sighed; his heart heavier that he could ever remember it being. Today was not going to be a good day. He had known it was coming for a while now but knowing hadn’t made it’s coming any easier. You could never really prepare for a day like today. His eyes dropped to the sleeping form on his bed, and he felt his throat catch. One of his oldest, truest friends had come to the end of her journey with him. Her brown and white face peaceful in slumber, more white now than dual coloured as age took its hold. Fifteen and a half years old, she was clearly tired and in pain. The medication that the vet had given her had helped, but Nick knew that she was on borrowed time. He; was on borrowed time with her. Sitting gently down beside her, he let his hand lightly brush over the soft fur of her head and down her back. Nellie opened her eyes and slowly wagged her tail, lifting her head into his hand as he scratched under her chin. She’d always loved being scratched there.
“Oh Nellie. Do you know what’s going to happen today? Do you know that this is the last morning you’ll share with me?” Nick asked her quietly. He could feel tears starting to slide down his face as he spoke. “My little, sweet baby. What am I going to do without you?” Nick leant over to place a kiss on the top of her head and she snuggled into the gap beneath his chin. He cooed to her and wrapped his arms around her letting his silent tears fall. He reminded himself that he couldn’t let her see him like this and how he had promised her when they had learned that her time was short, that he would make her last day as happy as he could. He just looked over her sleeping form, letting his eyes drink in everything they could; just like taking photos for his memory. For tomorrow, she would be gone on a journey where he couldn’t follow and he would be left behind; bereft of her.
“Come on beautiful, let’s get you downstairs and into the garden. Don’t want you to miss out on any fun”. Reaching out, he lifted her into his arms. She was lighter than he remembered. Age does that to old souls. They descended the stairs in companiable silence. Nick was just happy to have her this close. Nellie didn’t struggle to be put down, another clear sign that she was tired. They made their way together into the kitchen where Sarah, Nick’s mum, was at the table, cup of tea to hand and scrolling through the news on her tablet. Looking up, she smiled sadly but rose and came round the table.
“I’ll open the door for you Nicky.” she said, “I’ll make you a nice cup of tea for when you get back in ok?”
“Thanks Mum” he mumbled, almost unable to speak the words. Sarah stopped next to him and reached her arm around his waist. Wordlessly, she tried to send her son all of the love she could, hoping that he would know that she was there for him. She would always be there for him. Nick leaned his head against hers and sighed. It caught in his throat. Sarah gave another squeeze and moved to open the back door. Nick, Nellie still in his arms, stepped through the door and heard it close behind him. He hadn’t put on a coat for today, the cold didn’t mean anything to him. Today, the sun above gave him little warmth. The old friend he carried in his arms, gave him all the warmth he needed.
The two souls made their way down the steps and onto the grass where Nick bent and slowly lowered Nellie to the ground, giving her the support she needed to stand. She sniffed the air and wagged her tail then tottering, moved away to do her business. Nick watched her. So many times, they had played in this garden. So many times, Nellie had been his only real friend. He had shared all his secrets with her along with all of his dreams and aspirations. Of all the spirits within the world, with the exception of Charlie, Nellie was the only one who knew everything about him. He let out a long slow breath, not realising how long he had held it. The cold made his breath look like mist and he watched as it dissipated into the morning air; just like Nellie will soon he thought. Nick picked up her ball from the grass near his feet. “Here you go girl, fetch the ball.” Nellie watched it roll past her and looked back at him expectantly. “Go on, you can do it” he said to her. Nellie took a couple of steps and then dropped to her tummy; her legs no longer able to support her. Nick’s heart bled for her, and he crouched down resting his hand along her flank. Words wouldn’t have meant anything at this point. Nellie knew he was there and that was enough. They stayed together like that for what seemed like hours, comfortable in each other’s company; Nellie sniffing the air; Nick just touching her and talking softly about nothing in particular. Just being there to comfort her.
“Nicky, your tea is getting cold.” Sarah’s voice called from the open door. “Why don’t you bring her inside. I’ve made up a little bed for her in the kitchen”. Nick nodded and gently picked Nellie up, once again holding her close as they made their way back indoors. True to her word, there right by Nicks chair, Sarah had made up a little nest for Nellie to lie in. He placed his beloved friend into the pile and she settled, stretching a little and closed her eyes. Even the small effort of going to the loo had sapped what little strength she had left. Nick toed his shoes off and sat down beside her, putting one socked foot underneath her paw. That way she would know that there was someone there with her. The paw lifted slightly and settled again. Nellie was letting him know she knew.
His mum placed a cup of tea beside him on the table and patted his shoulder. “What can I get you for breakfast Nicky?” she asked
“I don’t really think I want anything Mum. Not sure I could keep it down if I’m honest” he said smiling weakly at her.
“That’s ok sweetheart. I understand. Just tell me if there is anything I can get you ok.”
“Yeah” was all he could say.
“Have you told Charlie about today?” she asked gently.
“No, he’s got enough on his plate at the moment, and I don’t want him to worry about me” Nick replied. “His mum is being difficult and it’s making him anxious”.
“Don’t you think that you should tell him Nick? I’m not going to force you, but he is your boyfriend, and he would want to be there for you, you know he would”.
“Yeah, perhaps you’re right Mum. I don’t want him to think that I’ve lied to him” Nick said. Nick knew she was right. He knew that he would struggle on his own but he had made it his mission to protect Charlie from anything that would make his life harder
“I think he’d know something had happened. You know what he’s like. You too are so bound up together that he would hear it in your voice as soon as you were to say Hi to him”. Nick nodded and reached a hand down to stroke Nellies ears.
“What do I say though Mum? I don’t have the words for this” Nick asked.
“Oh sweetheart, I can’t tell you that. You’ll know the words to use that will let him know you need him without putting him under any pressure. You’ve always been good with words mostly because you think about the feelings of the other person before you say anything. Maybe you won’t need to say anything at all. Charlie will know. He knows Nellies not been very well so…” She let it hang in the air. Nick pondered her words and took a sip of tea.
“Why am I like this?” he asked to no-one. “Could you watch her for a little bit and stay with her Mum? If I have her with me, I won’t be able to say what I need to say to Charlie because she will be all I can think about.”
“Of course, Nick. I need to say my goodbyes to her too so I can do that now.” Nick rose and gently removing his foot from under Nellies paw, pulled his mum into a tight embrace. He hadn’t thought that his Mum would need time to say goodbye. How selfish was he to forget about his own mother? “Oh Mum” he cried into her shoulder. They both wept then, sharing the knowledge that they were in a moment neither really wanted to be a part of but that neither of them would avoid.
“You should speak to Charlie sweetheart” his mother said blowing her nose on a handkerchief. “We’ll be fine here for a while”. Nick nodded wordlessly and slipped from the room heading upstairs to his bedroom. Closing the door, Nick picked up his phone from the bedside cabinet and unlocked it. There was a message there from Charlie. Nick opened it
Charlie: Hi 😊 Morning, light of my life. How are you today?
Nick smiled softly. It was their morning greeting. Usually, he was the first to message but today, he had other things on his mind and had forgotten. Not that it mattered who was the first though, so long as one of them did. Shall I ring him, Nick thought to himself. Thinking back to what his mum had just said, he realised he would struggle to speak on the phone. Looking down, he tapped out a message.
Nick: Hey Char. Are you free this morning? Can you come over?
Charlie: Hey! Yeah, of course I can come over. What did you have in mind? Shall we watch a movie?
Nick paused. It was getting harder to text as his emotions bubbled up to the surface
Nick: Can you get here as soon as you can. I need you.
Nick could feel tears starting to bloom in the corner of his eyes.
Charlie: Nick what’s up? Are you ok? Yeah. Let me grab a quick shower and I’ll come straight over.
Nick swallowed and brushed his eyes with this thumb, trying to focus his vision through the veil of tears.
Nick: It’s Nellie
There was a pause, then the text bubble showed Charlie typing again.
Charlie: I’m on my way. Leaving now
Nick: I’ll leave the door on the latch. Come straight in. I’ll be in my room. Thanks, Char. Love you xx
Charlie: Love you too xx
Nick headed downstairs and put the front door on the latch. He headed into the kitchen and switched the kettle on pulling out another mug for Charlie.
“Did you speak to him?” his mother asked?
“Not yet. I asked him to come over so that I could speak in person” Nick replied. “I’ve put the front door on the latch so that he can come straight in. Is that ok?”
“Of course it is Nicky” she replied
“Just making him a cup of tea. Would you like another?” Nick asked, looking over at his mother as she sat on the floor with Nellie. Her eyes were red but she looked at peace. Nick guessed she’s said what she wanted to say to Nellie and he was glad for her.
“No, I’m alright thanks Nicky. You get Charlie’s sorted. We are fine here aren’t we Nellie” she said stroking the slumbering dog.
“Thanks again Mum” Nick said and made his way back to his bedroom, setting Charlie’s cup of tea down next to his on the bedside cabinet. Shortly after, Nick heard the front door open and close and footsteps on the stair. He mentally braced himself for what he knew was going to be for him at least, one of the hardest conversations he’d had in his young life.
There was a soft knock on the door and then it opened as Charlie poked his head around the door.
“Nick?” Charlie asked. Nick looked silently up at him opening his mouth to speak but nothing came out. His eyes met Charlie’s and that was all Charlie needed to see. He closed the door behind him and swiftly sat beside his life bonded on the bed. He reached around and pulled Nick to him, hugging him as close as he could. Nick’s barriers all came down at once and the older boy grasped Charlie as though his very life depended on it. They had been in this situation not so very long before during another life event. That time, Nick had finally admitted he had feelings for Charlie and had kissed him again. It was his gay crisis moment and that event had changed his life forever. In that instance though, it was for the better. This time, it was nothing like that, but he had Charlie and knew that Charlie loved him so much. He knew that he could be himself and his emotions burst like a dam. Tears flowed freely over his cheeks. Great rending sobs shock him as everything he had held in came to the fore. Charlie, dear sweet understanding Charlie just held him close rocking him back and forth, giving everything he had to the man he cared so deeply about. After what seemed an eternity, Nick tears and sobs subsided.
He didn’t let go of Charlie though.
“Do you want to sleep?” Charlie asked so quietly into Nicks ear.
“I’m here, you’re safe and loved, I’ve got you.” Nick shyly nodded wiping his hand over his bloodshot eyes. Charlie pulled him back so that he was lying across his chest. Nicks arms wrapped around Charlie’s waist just as Charlie’s arms were still wrapped around him. Charlie pulled the duvet up over them and Nick, totally drained, closed his eyes. He couldn’t sleep though, not really although he did drift off into a fitful nap. Charlie looked down at him. His heart just breaking. As quietly and gently as he could, Charlie eased himself out from under Nicks body. Collecting the untouched mugs from the cabinet, he opened the door and headed downstairs. He knocked on the kitchen door.
“Come in Charlie, you know you don’t have to knock” Sarah called. Charlie opened the door and pushed his way into the room. “How is he doing?” Sarah asked. Charlie set the mugs down on the table and smiled caringly at her
“Not so good” he said, “He’s sleeping at the moment so I thought if you don’t mind, that I’d make him a fresh cup of tea”. Charlie squatted down and stroked Nellie, still dozing in her pile of pillows “Hello girl” he said. Nellie opened her eyes and looked up at him, wagging her tail as she did so. “Who’s a pretty little lady?” Nellie gave his hand a lick and put her head back on the pillow, closing her eyes again. “So, what’s happening then?” he asked Sarah. “Nick couldn’t say anything, but I think I know. I just want to make sure that when I go back up, that I’m not going to make it worse for him”. Nicks mum came and sat by him
“The vet is coming later this morning” she said, “We decided that it would kinder and more peaceful for her if we had her…” she faltered “if we had her put to sleep here where she is surrounded by everything she knows and..” tears stared to slip down her cheeks “and where she knows she is loved. I don’t want the last thing she see’s to be a sterile room full of people she doesn’t know” Charlie put his hand over Sarah’s and gently squeezed but said nothing “Nick wants to be with her when she goes. He wants to be holding her. I’ve been through this several times in my life but it never gets any easier. Charlie, can I ask you something?” she said placing her other hand over his
“Sure, what do you need?” he asked her
“Will you be with Nick when they come. Will you stay with him when they let her rest? I think he’s going to need you more than anyone else and I know that he will think he is putting on you by asking so he won’t. If you think it’s too much for you or you don’t want to then I can….” Charlie cut her off
“You don’t have to ask. I’ll always be there for him. If I can’t be there for him in a time like this, then what sort of boyfriend would I be?” He patted Nellie and blinked to clear his eyes. “He is the most important person in my life Mrs Nelson.” Sarah was so grateful to Charlie at that point. She’d known from the first time she met him that he wasn’t like other boys. He was kind, gentle and caring. He brough out the very best in her son and even if she knew nothing else about him, that would have been enough. The fact he was the love of Nicks’ life just made it more moving.
“Thank you, Charlie. You will never know how much that means to me” she said softly. The kettle had boiled, and Charlie rose to make the tea ensuring that he offered Sarah a cup too.
“Call me if you need me, ok?” he said as he made his way back up to Nicks room. Quietly, he entered, setting the mugs on the bedside cabinet, and shut the door. Turning, he saw that Nick was awake but not really focused. He sat on the floor beside the bed. “Hey” he whispered “I’ve made you some tea.”
“Thanks” Nick murmured. It broke Charlie’s heart to hear him in such pain. He gazed at Nick and gave him a small smile.
“Hug?” he asked. Nick’s face broke again as grief threatened to overwhelm him and he reached out and pulled Charlie into his arms
“I love you” he whispered into Charlie’s ear. Charlie held him close, just being there for him. Tears welled in his eyes, but he blinked them away, trying to remain strong for Nick.
“I love you too Nick. You are my rock and anchor. I love you so much that it hurts. No matter what gets thrown at us, I will always be there for you. I hope you know that?” Nick gave him a squeeze.
“Yeah I do” Nick replied. “What did I do to deserve you?”
“You showed me kindness when others didn’t. You showed me you cared, you offered pure and unadulterated love and you just wanted to be with me. It was that simple” Charlie said running his fingers lovingly through Nicks hair. “Listen light if my life, I wanna be there with you today. I know it’s not going to be easy on either of us, but I want you to know that I’m there to hold your hand as you say goodbye, well, as we both say goodbye. That you’re not on your own. Nellie will know you’re with her at the end and that she is so very much loved”
“You’d do that for me?” Nick asked, voice breaking with emotion. Lifting his head up to look into Charlie’s eyes “You don’t have to. I know you have other problems going on at the moment, so I’d understand.”
“Silly dork” Charlie said cupping Nicks face with one hand “Why would I be anywhere else. You’re so special to me Nick. Sometimes I can’t even begin to describe what impact you’ve had on me. I want to be there with you and for you. I need to be there with you. Everything else pails in comparison and is of no moment. I need you to believe me on this”. Charlie took his hand in his own and kissed the back of his knuckles. “Let me look after you for once” Nick was so moved by Charlie’s words. To know that Charlie would be there when that terrible time came and that he wouldn’t be alone to handle the grief that would quite probably totally overwhelm him was more than he could comprehend or process.
“Char. I’d like you be there with me. I want you to be there.” Nick said as he pressed his lips to Charlies and gave him such a tender kiss. It sent electricity through Charlie’s entire body. Charlie rested his forehead against Nicks and looked into his beautiful brown eyes
“Yeah sweetheart. I’ll be there with you and Nellie right to the end”. They remained silent for long moments, both trying to prepare for what was to come. “Let’s get you up” Charlie said gently. “We need to be ready, and you’ll want to be with Nellie for as long as you can today. She needs to be with you too.”
“I don’t want her to be frightened or scared” Nick replied getting slowly to his feet. Charlie kept hold of his hand and Nick didn’t appear to want to let it go. Charlie felt that as much as possible, he needed to be touching Nick today. Nick needed to be reassured that he was there even if he wasn’t looking. Nick reached for an old jumper from his wardrobe. “She always loves this one and sometimes used to take it to bed with her if I left it on the floor” Nick murmured. Charlie could totally understand that having acquired several of Nicks jumpers himself. He reasoned that Nellie probably thought the same. The jumpers smelled of Nick and therefore meant home. Charlie could feel his emotions rising again and turned his attention back to Nick, breathing rhythmically trying to regain some control. Releasing Nicks hand, he took the jumper and helped Nick put it on.
“There” he said putting his hand on Nicks shoulder and squeezing. “You look great”. Without thinking, Charlie pulled Nick close and hugged him. Nick in turn, put his face into the crock of Charlies neck and drew in a deep shuddering breath.
“Give me a minute” Nick mumbled. “I need to recharge”. Charlie could feel the grip on his back tightening and just leant further into Nick.
“Take as long as you need babe” he whispered. There was a soft knock on the door and it was opened by Nicks mum.
“Sorry sweetheart but it’s almost time and I thought you’d like to be with Nellie before they get here.” Nick wordlessly nodded and moved to leave the room pulling Charlie along by the hand. As Charlie passed Sarah, she gave him a searching, questioning look. Charlie smiled sadly but nodded to her and she placed her hand briefly on his arm as he passed offering her silent thanks again.
In the kitchen, Nellie was still dozing in the pile of cushions as the boys entered. Nick released Charlie’s hand and sank down beside Nellie. Gently and with absolute care, he drew her into his lap so that her head was resting on his thigh. She huffed and opened her eyes, looking up at him adoringly before settling herself into the personal nest he created for her in the circle of his legs. She sighed again. Nick knew she was finding it harder and harder to stay awake for any long period of time. It was one of the many reasons why they had arrived at the fateful decision. There came a point when they had to ask, was it fair on her to keep her going just so he could feel better. In his heart of hearts, he’d already known the answer to that question. It was just so hard to articulate it.
He gazed down at her and with infinite love, stroked her. His hand returning to the back of her head, slowly drawing down the length of her back. Charlie watched on for a while, thinking that if he didn’t understand the situation, he would have thought it such a peaceful, beautiful scene. It was in a way though. There they were, together at the end, much as they had been together almost from the start of Nellies life. Friends, companions, confidants. Full of love for the other. Tears were dripping from the Nicks chin, but he didn’t shake or sob. He was doing his very best not to disturb his beloved friend. How he was able to show such strength at this time, Charlie didn’t know although he did think that when needed, people do show remarkable courage and inner control to make sure someone else didn’t suffer. Nick had done much the same with Charlie on numerous occasions. It had taken Charlie a while to understand the lengths Nick would go to to protect and support him. He had almost lost him in the process, his brain having told him that he needed to let Nick go to prevent him being pulled into the darkening void. A void where Charlie truly believed at the time that he was ruining everyone’s lives. It had taken Tori and Nick to pull him out of that horrid place. He still had relapses, but Nick was always there to offer him his hand, to give him light in the darkness and to provide comfort in the form of hugs and kisses to reinforce the belief that Charlie wasn’t worthless and that he was someone who mattered but most importantly, that he was loved. Here again, before his very eyes, Charlie witnessed the same thing but from an alternative perspective. Love; overwhelming love like he had never felt before, rose in his breast as he watched the man he cared about more than anything or anyone in the world wordlessly saying his farewells to an old friend. He was so very proud of Nick in that moment. He knew that without a doubt, Nick was his soulmate and that he would fight at the doors of hell itself to keep Nick by his side for the rest of his life.
There was a knock at the front door and Nick stiffened. Charlie quickly sank down behind him and wrapped his arms around Nicks waist. He could hear Sarah answering the door. There was a quiet conversation in the hall before Sarah came into the kitchen followed by two ladies. She looked down at the boys and Nick lifted his eyes from Nellie, never once stopping his continuous stroking, to look at this mother.
“It’s time Nicky sweetheart. Do you want me to stay with you?” she asked softly.
“No, it’s ok Mum. Charlie is here. Is that ok?” Even in this, his most trying of moment, Nick was still putting others first.
“No sweetheart, that’s fine. You sure you’ll be ok?” She asked
“Not really Mum but…” He let the words hang in the air and Charlie tightened his arms, letting Nick know he was there. His mother watched them for a minute longer before she knelt and patted Nellie for the last time.
“Bye Nellie.” She said simply and rose quickly, leaving the room, tears sparking in her eyes. The vet moved forward and spoke to the boys
“Hi.” She said gently. “She’s going to be ok. I’ll give her a sedative to keep her calm and then we can insert a catheter. It’s on a long line so we can step out of the room so that she’s not worried. When you’re ready, just give me the nod. She will fall asleep quickly. She won’t feel anything at all. Do you need more time with her first though? There is no rush. Take your time.” She said, compassion in her voice. Charlie rested his head on Nicks shoulder and Nicks head leant against his.
“Can you give me just a couple of minutes more” Nick said never taking his eyes off Nellie.
“Of course,” the vet replied, rising from the floor, and moving out of the room with the nurse.
“Char.” Nick said in a heartbreakingly small voice. “I don’t know if I can do this. Char.” he said brokenly
“I’m here babe. I’ve got you. Take whatever strength you need from me. I’ll keep you safe. We can do this together, as one. It’s time to let her go. You know she’s hurting.”
“I know.” Nick replied so quietly, Charlie almost didn’t hear him. “It’s so difficult Char.”
“I know babe. I know.” Charlie was openly weeping now. It didn’t matter. He could almost feel what Nick was feeling, so close were they. He pressed his head closer to Nick and felt Nick nod against him. “Are you ready Light of my life?” Nick nodded again and Charlie turned his head to show the vet they were ready. Making slow movements so to not distress Nellie, the vet gave her a small injection. After a minute, with the help of the nurse, they inserted the catheter and then withdrew from the room again. Close enough that they could make sure it all went as it should but far enough away so that they didn’t encroach on the boys and the beloved soul in Nicks lap.
“Goodbye Nellie.” Nick whispered to her, emotion filling his voice. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for all the joy you’ve brought to me and mum and for being there when I need to cry. For listening to my stories. Thank you for sharing your life with me and for the love you gave me. I’m going to miss you like mad my beautiful little lady. There will always be a Nellie shaped hole in my heart.” He stroked her again and she opened her eyes. She kept looking at his face much as she had done on so many occasions before. She was offering Nick comfort and love even at the end of her life. It was totally overwhelming and both boys sobbed. “Remember me when you cross over the rainbow bridge and start your journey to the stars little one. I love you so much.” Nick lifted his head and looked out of the door giving the barest hint of a nod. Charlie put one of his hands over Nicks as he kept stroking Nellie. She gave his hand one last lick then put her head back down on his leg and fell asleep. Her body stilled and a gut-wrenching silence filled the room. The vet silently crept back into the room and placed a stethoscope against Nellies still chest and listened. Moments later, she nodded at Charlie once and placed a hand on Nicks shoulder before retreating from the room once more.
A great tearing inhuman sob broke from Nicks throat; a cry that ripped the still morning. Charlie had never heard anything like it before and hoped that he wouldn’t again any time soon. It was a cry of utter loss and grief. Charlie tightened his arms around Nick offering everything his soul could give to help ease that terrible, heart-breaking pain. Nick was shaking and his breath came in short gasps between the sobs. His hand closed over one of Charlies, wordlessly asking for support. Charlie gripped it tightly whilst rocking Nick. Charlie found it difficult to speak but could just manage a whisper.
“Its ok babe. She’s safe now. She’s pain free” he whispered into Nicks ear.
“But she’s…. not here…anymore” Nick cried.
“She is love. She’s just moved to a different place that’s all. She’s in here now.” Charlie placed his free hand over Nicks heart. He could feel it beating beneath his fingers. It surprised him that he couldn’t hear it so powerfully was it beating in Nicks chest. “Never forgotten, never alone.” He looked down at the still form nestled in Nicks lap. Nick was still stroking her and crying although the raw grief in his voice had diminished. It didn’t mean it had gone. No, Charlie was fully aware of that, but as usual, Nick was doing his very best to be strong. “I love you” Charlie said. He gently kissed Nick cheek, trying to keep giving assurance that Nick wasn’t alone in his grief. He felt Nick squeeze his hand and knew that Nick had heard even in the depths of his sorrow. “I’m here babe.”
The minutes ticked past and slowly Nick regained control of himself. Releasing Charlies hand, he turned his grief ravaged face to Charlie and offered a tiny smile. Charlie slipped his arms from around Nick and moved back a little to give Nick some space. Nick moved himself so that he was kneeling beside Nellie and bent, wrapping her in his arms, putting a tender kiss on her head. Charlie put a hand on his back and rubbed his thumb back on forth. The vet entered the room.
“Would you like more time to say goodbye?” She asked of Nick.
“Not really” Nick said in a broken voice. “She’s not really here anymore” He looked down at Nellies body. “Could I ask a kindness though” he said looking back to the vet. “Could I carry her to the car and can she take her favourite toy with her on her last car trip?”
“Yes, that’s not a problem. Let me go and get the van ready. Bring her out in your own time.”.
Charlie looked at Nick and reached out, pulling Nicks forehead down, kissing it softly. “I’ll go and get her penguin babe. You stay with her. I won’t be more than a minutes ok?” Charlie said
“Thanks Char. Could you bring her blanket too please?” Nick asked. Charlie nodded and quickly left the room heading for the sitting room. Once there, he found Nellies favourite toy and retrieved her blanket from her bed. Turning, he found himself enveloped in a pair of arms. Sarah had risen from the couch and enfolded him.
“How is he doing?” She asked
“To be honest, I’m not sure.” Charlie replied.” I think it may hit him like a train later. He’s got himself under tight control and at some point, that’s going to give. I’ve been there a number of times, so I know what to expect, it’s just a matter of when or what happens to trigger it.” Sarah nodded her understanding “I can stay if you think that would help” he said “Well, I’d like to stay if you’d be happy to have me or until Nick is past the worst of it. I’d need to ring Mum and Dad to make sure but I’m certain they wouldn’t mind” Sarah hugged him again
“You’re such an angel” she said. “Are you sure you don’t mind? He’s more likely to open up to you nowadays than he is with me. It would take such a weight off my mind if you could.”
“Of course, it’s not a problem. I want to be with him anyway. I couldn’t sleep if I wasn’t sure he was doing ok so yeah, that’s fine. I’d best get back to him. Don’t want him to start over thinking in there on his own” Sarah patted his cheek and smiled.
“Thank you, Charlie. I can totally understand what Nick sees in you, you know.”
“You don’t need to say that” Charlie replied but was grateful. Heading back into the kitchen, he found Nick, still kneeling on the floor beside Nellie. Charlie knelt beside him, leaning slightly into his side, once again, trying to give that little bit of comfort. He felt Nick adjust his weight to press against him.
“Here you go babe” Charlie said softly, placing the blanket and soft toy on the floor. Nick looked down and smiled sadly. Picking up the blanket, he opened it up beside him and reaching forward, lifted the silent and still form before him into his arms. Pulling Nellie close for one last hug. Charlie wrapped his arms around them both, saying goodbye in his own way. After a minute, Charlie released them, and Nick placed Nellie onto the blanket. Picking up the penguin, he put it between Nellies front paws so that she looked like she was just asleep with her favourite toy just as she had before. Nick put his hand gently on her head.
“Travel safely my pretty lady.” He whispered to her “God speed”. Nick closed his eyes and bent his head in silent grief. Charlie put his arm over Nicks shoulders and rolled his head onto Nicks.
“Bye Nellie, take care little one” Charlie said. Nick sighed and pulled the edges of the blanket up and over her so that only her face and the top of the penguin’s head remained showing. Carefully picking the bundle up in his arms, Nick rose to his feet. He coughed and steadied himself before looking at Charlie. Charlie nodded and walked ahead of him to open the doors. Passing by the sitting room door, Sarah stepped into the hall and Nick stopped. His mum looked down at the sorrowful bundle he carried and reached out to touch the little head one last time. Her other hand rested lightly on Nicks shoulder. She smiled sadly and gave him a squeeze then dropped her hand to her side. Nick, still staring straight ahead, started to move forward again in a mechanical manner. Charlie, watching from just outside the front door, knew it was taking all of Nicks will power to just keep it together. He could see it in Nicks eyes and in the way he stared into the distance. He knew if Nick saw any tears or sorrow now, he would be undone. Nick stepped out through the open front door and made his slow way to the vets’ van where she waited without saying a word. The back door was open and inside was a dog bed with a cushion in it. Nick placed his friend gently on the cushion and just as his mother has before, placed his hand on her head, His final farewell.
Charlie came to stand beside Nick and took his hand, weaving his fingers between Nicks. He didn’t say anything knowing that Nick was totally focused on the little body in the back of the van. Nicks shoulders were down and he had slumped in on himself. Charlie totally understood that posture all too well. He knew that he had to be so careful at the moment. Nick was on a knife edge and any wrong move or comment would start a crash and burn event. Charlie would never put Nick through that out in the open where all of the neighbours could see. It wouldn’t be fair on Nick. The vet approached them and waited. Nick looked up and nodded before stepping back a pace or two indirectly moving into Charlie’s sphere. Without thinking, Charlie released his hand and put his arm around Nicks waist, pulling him into his embrace. Nick wilted for a moment but managed to steady himself. His eyes were still focused on Nellie as the vet closed the door. The sound of the door closing was like a bell ringing; tolling the end of a life and the end of a period. Dear little Nellie was about to begin her last every trip in a vehicle and this time, neither Nick or his mum wouldn’t be there with her. As the vet and the nurse climbed into the front seats, Nick slowly walked to the curb and waited. The van pulled away taking Nellie with it; taking a part of Nick. He continued to watch after the van even when it had turned the corner and disappeared from view. Charlie remained silent and still at this side.
“Char!” Nick said quietly.
“Hey, I’m here babe.”
“She’s really gone hasn’t she” Nick whispered. A single tear wove its solitary way down his cheek.
“Let’s go inside Nick.” Charlie said and steered Nick towards the house, making sure that he remained touching him at all times. Nick walked woodenly, showing no interest in anything as they went. Sarah was waiting at the door and stepped aside as the boys entered before shutting the door behind them. Charlie walked Nick into the sitting room and gently but firmly told him to sit.
“I’ll make some tea.” Sarah said. Charlie smiled up at her.
“You might want to put a little sugar in Nicks. He going to need it shortly”. Sarah understood and disappeared into the kitchen. Taking a blanket from the end of the couch that were put there for when the boys watched movies, Charlie shook it out before tenderly wrapping a vacant looking Nick in its soft and subtle comfort. He could see that Nick was starting to shake and recognised the first signs that Nick was beginning to lose his control. Charlie squatted down in front of Nick and took both of his hands in his.
“Nick” he said, his eyes looking directly into Nicks own. Nicks continued to stare, unfocussed. “Nick, babe” Charlie said again, giving Nicks hands a squeeze. “Sweetheart, don’t loose yourself in there. I’m here. You can share with me. That’s what I’m here for. We share everything including those things that hurt” Charlie said softly. Nicks eyes turned to look at him. They were full of grief and pain and hurt. But they saw Charlie and let him in.
“Charlie. Help me” Nick said, his emotions breaking. His lower lip quivered, and he started to cry again, his shaking getting worse. Charlie dropped both of his hands and lent forward, enfolding him totally, Nicks head against his chest. Nick threw his arms around Charlie and sobbed.
To be continued……..