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“It’s absolutely unbelievable.” Stan looks into the camera. “Fucking ridiculous!”
“For how long have you known?”
“I don’t know, like a month, maybe?” Stan shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“How was it?”
The boy eyes the microphone being held close to his face with skepticism. “Is this seriously not going to be leaked?”
“Not to the people that matter.” The young lady explains. “This is all part of a show, and we’re doing a special-”
“Forget it, I don’t care.” Stan waves his hand dismissively. “Just ask the questions.”
She clears her throat and gestures at the cameraman to get closer. There’s a clumsy zoom on Stan’s face. The screen reads ‘Stan Marsh, Kyle’s Best Friend’
“How did Kyle tell you about it?”
“About…” Stan raises his eyes to the ceiling. “He had been acting weird for weeks by that point. Nervous, irritated, distracted. He didn’t even pay attention to class, which is weird because he’s Kyle.”
“So you asked him?”
“No.” Stan rolls his eyes. “Every time I tried to, he told me it was fine, that he had just been studying a lot, so I gave up.”
“And then?”
“He pulled me to the side one day during lunch and said he needed to talk to me, after school.” Stan shakes his head slightly. “I was a little worried, but figured he wanted to ask for my help. We’d figure it out, we always have.” With a snort, he adds. “I didn’t think it’d be that.”
The woman nods, urging him to continue.
Stan sighs. “So, later, in his room, he tells me. That he…thinks in love with Cartman.” He pauses, as if he wanted to let the news sink in. “With Cartman.” He repeats.
“How did you react?”
“Well, how am I supposed to react?!” Stan exclaims. “My best friend is in love with Cartman?! Kyle is in love with Cartman?! How?! Didn’t they hate each other?! Wasn’t that their thing?!” After a moment, he slumps in his seat. “I don’t know what’s wrong with Kyle.”
“Did he explain?”
“Not really…Nothing that made sense, anyway.” He squints, as if trying to recall the details. “Said that he was finally awake or something? And ‘I’m tired of being in denial, Stan’.” The boy air quotes with a grimace. “What can I say to that?”
“What about acting on it? Did he say anything about that?”
“No, he’s convinced it’s one-sided. Because Cartman has always hated him, you know?”
“That’s unfortunate.”
“And something about Butters and Cartman being a thing.” Stan shakes his head again. “I thought he was fucking with me at first.”
“Do you think Cartman and Butters are a thing?” She presses on.
Stan appeared to be at a loss. “I mean…sure, they’re…weird and…” He covers his mouth. “There are some rumors going around, but I don’t know. Butters?” His eyes are wide from disbelief. “When he’s been obsessed with Kyle for years?”
–
In this episode of our reality show ‘South Park: Love Adventures’ we’ll focus on the polemic relationship between Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman, two of the show’s most iconic members. Could it be that behind their steamy rivalry there’s something more?
–
“What can you tell us on the topic?”
Butters twiddles his fingers nervously, twitching in his seat. “Tell you about whu-what?”
“About Cartman’s feelings for Kyle.”
The boy’s face went pale. He looks around the empty room before whispering at the interviewer. “Will Eric know that I said anything?”
“No, this is for our viewers. See, we’re making a special feature-”
“He’s in love with Kyle!” Butters yells, as if he were confessing a crime. “He talks about it all the time! And he said that if anyone found out about it, he’d kill me! So I’m the only one who knows!” He takes a moment to catch his breath, as if letting all that out took great physical effort.
“Are you okay?” The lady asks.
Butters smiles innocently. “Yup! I feel a lot better now that I said that.”
“Okay…” She’s a bit thrown off. “Is…Eric planning to do anything about his feelings?”
“Well, no…” Butters looks down. “Eric is sure Kyle is straight, so…” He shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. “And also that Kyle hates him because Eric wasn’t the best to him…” He mumbles, “Or anyone.”
“Do you think that’s true?”
“That Eric is a meanie? Well, of course he-”
“No, that Kyle is straight.”
“Oh.” Butters puts his hand on his chin. “I guess Kyle has liked some girls…but he’s a bit weird, too.”
“How come?”
“Well, sometimes when I’m hangin’ with Eric, he gives me this scary look.” Butters shudders. “Like he’s mad at me. I don’t know why, though?”
–
The boys are in the classroom. Kyle is explaining something to Stan about their homework, in the front row, while Cartman and Butters are in the back. Cartman is throwing paper balls at his classmates while the teacher isn’t around. Butters cheers when his friend succeeds in hitting someone’s neck. Every time the person turns, they both try to contain their laughter and pretend it wasn’t them. Everyone knows it’s them, though.
Eventually, it’s Kyle’s turn and the paper ball lands in his hair. Kyle doesn’t even notice at first until the obnoxious laughter of Cartman and Butters can no longer be ignored. Stan points at his hair, and Kyle turns as red as his mane. He seems to want to give Cartman and Butters a piece of his mind, but changes his mind at the last moment, simply continuing to talk with Stan. Cartman is disappointed.
–
The following footage will show a simultaneous transcript, as our interviewee has a particular way of speech.
“Kenny McCormick. You’re friends with both Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman.”
“Mhpm mhpph mhmph.”
Since we were in our fucking diapers.
“What can you say about their relationship?”
“Mphgm mhphg mmgh?”
Asides them being gay?
“Could you elaborate on that?”
“Hph, Mmphgh mpghgh mmhph mmghph phmgh mhghghm.”
Easy, Cartman is gay for Kyle and Kyle is gay for Cartman.
“Did they tell you that?”
“Mph, mpghgh mgpghm mphghm.”
No, it’s just pretty fucking obvious.
“Have you thought about helping them out?”
“Mhphgm! Mphghm mghphm phmgh mphmgh phgmphm mphm.”
No way! I’ve spent the last 5 years without dying, and I wanna keep it that way.
“Huh?”
“...”
“Um, is there anything else you’d like to add?”
“Mphghm pmgh mpgh mghphm?”
Do I get money for participating?
–
According to the voting, our audience is very divided on the topic of Kyle and Cartman! 45% of the voters do not think they could work together, while 30% believe they could. 14% aren’t sure and 11% simply do not care about the outcome between these two. It’s hard to say what’s going to happen, but you can’t miss it!
This show is brought to you by Logan Lollipops.
–
“What can you tell us about these two?”
“Well,” Wendy starts, “One is the most insufferable man I’ve ever met, and the other one is my boyfriend’s best friend.”
“Right.” The reporter clears her throat. “What about their rapport?”
“Their…” Wendy squints. “Oh, you mean that thing.”
“That thing?”
Wendy sits straight and speaks in a know-it-all tone. “The Asian Girls call it Kyman. Well, some. Not all of them like it.”
“What’s Kyman?”
“The…name for the romantic relationship between Kyle and Cartman.” She explains. “They’ve been convinced for a while there’s something going on between them.”
*Note: The Asian Girls love to imagine the boys in homoerotic situations, often producing art of these imaginary pairings.
“And what do you think?”
“Stan told me about Kyle.” She says, pursing her lips in disappointment. “Can’t say I’m surprised. He’s always been too compassionate towards Cartman. There was something off there.”
“Do you think Cartman reciprocates?”
Wendy grimaces in utter disgust, then her expression went back to normal. “Well, he did bully me a lot because he was attracted to me, and he’s been harassing Kyle forever, so if that’s anything to go by…”
“Is there any advice you’d give to either of them?”
The girl leans in to get closer to the camera. “Yes. Get help.”
–
It’s p.e. time and the boys are playing soccer on the field. Cartman watches from the bleachers, he has a knee injury, so he’s exempted from participating. Kyle is running towards the opponent’s goal area, with Clyde trying to stop him. Kyle passes the ball to Stan, so he can escape defense. After fucking around for a bit, Stan passes the ball back to Kyle, who aims for the spot right between Butters’ spread out legs. It’s a perfect goal.
The whistle blows, indicating the end of the match, and Kyle celebrates their very close win with Stan. As he hears a noise from the bleachers, he turns around and sees Cartman.
“You almost had him, Butters!” He yells. “What did I tell you about opening your legs?”
The double entendre doesn’t escape Kyle, and he leaves the field while grumbling. Stan puts his palm on his forehead in exasperation. Cartman doesn’t even seem to notice.
–
“You dated Eric Cartman, right?”
“When we were in elementary school.” Heidi answers tensely.
“And you dated Kyle Broflovski?”
“For a very short period, yes.” She squirms, uncomfortable.
“You’re the only girl that’s been linked to those two romantically.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure I’m Eric’s only girlfriend so far…” Heidi mumbled.
“With that said, what are your thoughts on your exes?”
“Um, well, that whole episode of my life was very traumatic for me and I had to get therapy for-”
“Did you know they’re into each other?” The reporter interrupted her.
Heidi’s eyes jumped out. “What?!”
“That’s right.” The lady looked into the camera. “Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman are officially in love, and we’re covering it today in ‘South Park: Love Adventures’” She stared back at Heidi. “Do you support their relationship?”
The teenager appeared to be in shock, opening and closing her mouth in astonishment. “I…”
–
Kyle is at the lockers when Cartman passes behind him. He pretends to ignore his friend, but ends up glancing at him when he opens his own locker. When Cartman turns to him, he acts as if he hadn’t been looking. Cartman snorts and walks away. Kyle is back to his business when he notices there’s a little green post-it on the ground, where Cartman was standing. It has a drawing of Kyle’s angry face. He blinks in confusion.
–
“Our special guests today are South Park’s first young gay couple.” The lady announces.
“Why are we here?” Craig asks, Tweek sitting by his side.
“We want your opinion on Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman’s relationship.”
Craig’s face turns impassive as Tweek twitches. “Why.”
“Well, you have been friends with those two since way back.”
“No, we haven’t.” Craig interrupts. “We don’t like them.”
“They’re- ah! They’re annoying!” Tweek agrees.
“You aren’t?” The reporter asks. There are sounds of papers being rustled. “But here it says-”
“Yeah, in elementary school.” Craig tiredly explains. “We all were. Things are different now. We’re not forced to pretend to like them anymore.”
“Um, okay…” She sounds nervous. “But do you think they’re gay?”
“What?!” Craig’s face scrunches unpleasantly.
“Ah!” Tweek adds.
“Well, since you two are…”
“Gay?!” Craig raises his voice. “So we’re supposed to know who else is gay?! Like it’s some kind of superpower?!”
“Calm down, Craig!” Tweek says with a shriek.
“No!” Craig stands up. “8 years, Tweek! 8 years getting these stupid questions!
It doesn’t make any sense! Why would we know?!”
“Mr. Tucker, please…”
“I’ve worked so hard to stay out of that morons’ way, and now we have to talk to them on television?!”
“Is this going to be leaked to the government?!” Tweek asks, standing up as well.
“What? No, it’s just it’s just for a TV show called-”
–
When we come back…
The boys go to a club, but will the tension between Kyle and Cartman come afloat during their outing?
Will it be fun…or will it turn into a moment of conflict and drama?
Tune in after the break to watch how Kyman’s story will develop!
–
“Yeah, so it’s a Friday, like any other Friday. I just want it to be over.” Stan says. “And right when the bell rings, Kenny comes over and tells me there’s this new club that opened uptown that allows 18 years old in, so we should go. And I’m like, fine, whatever, I can let Wendy know, so we’ll meet there.”
The camera shows the boys at the entrance of the club. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Butters waiting at the end of a long line, wearing slightly better clothes than usual. Cartman seems to be complaining to Butters.
“So Kenny told us there’s this awesome new club that opened last weekend and everyone says it’s amazing!” Cartman rolls his eyes. “What’s gonna be amazing is getting inside before the night ends!”
Kenny is the most excited of the group, checking out the girls in skimpy outfits, the cleavages and the legs. He pulls out the bills from his pocket again, counting them.
“Mhphm oohmh mhphm ghmgh!”
I’m so gonna get laid tonight!
With crossed arms, Kyle alternates from glaring at Cartman and Butters and judging the people waiting in the line. Stan is texting on his phone next to him.
“This is really not my kind of thing.” Kyle declares. “I’m not really a party guy, especially not with a bunch of strangers, but since Kenny was insisting…”
The line finally starts to move.
“I just hope I can have a good time, somehow.”
–
“So after like, I don’t know, forever, we’re finally inside the club.” Stan says. “And it’s okay, but it’s kinda crowded.”
The inside of the club shows a lot of young people dancing and drinking around with multicolored lights flashing around. They’re all sitting in a corner, drinking beer.
“I hope Wendy gets here soon.”
In the distance, you can see a young couple staring at them in horror. It’s Tweek and Craig.
“You gotta be fucking kidding me.” Craig buries his face in his hands.
“We came to this club to distract ourselves since Craig was still upset about the interview from earlier…” Tweek explains, his eyes twitching. “Even though, neither of us likes clubs…”
“We came to relax, and we fucking find those guys, instead!” Craig exclaims. “And you people, too!” He points at the camera.
Tweek pats his back sympathetically. “It’s- agh! It’s okay, Craig…”
Butters is shown dancing maniacally, twisting his joints, kicking the air and hollering.
“I think this place is pretty cool!” Butters speaks excitedly into the camera.
The crowd avoids him, some of them glaring at him with disgust.
“Normally I’m a bit shy about dancing in crowds, but I like this!” Butters continues. “I think the beer helped!”
Wendy is hanging with Stan close to the bar, Kenny is making conversation with 2 girls by a nearby table. Kyle and Cartman are the only ones remaining by the corner, though there’s a noticeable distance between them.
“This fucking sucks.” Cartman complains. “They all left, and now I’m stuck with Kyle. With fucking Kyle!” The camera zooms on his face. “The life of the party, obviously.”
Kyle sighs, and looks around, as if he was waiting for something to happen.
“I knew Stan would leave with Wendy as soon as she showed up.” He says. “And I knew Kenny would flirt with some strangers too.” He gazes at Butters ridiculing himself on the dance floor. “But I didn’t expect Butters to leave, too.”
He drinks what appears to be a piña colada.
“Cartman and I don’t really get along.” He winces. “So this is awkward.”
Stan and Wendy seem to be arguing by the bar.
“I’m just not comfortable here.” Wendy says. “Like, this is not what Stan said it would be. And my girlfriends are at this party thrown by a senior, so I tell Stan that if he wants to party, we can go there.”
“Wendy wants to leave, but I can’t leave Kyle here! I mean, he wasn’t even into the idea of coming in the first place, and she wants me to ditch him?” Stan shakes his head. “I can’t do that.”
“But Stan is like, ‘Wendy, I can’t leave my friends’” Wendy imitates his deep voice. “As if he hasn't dropped them before, so we can make out!” She rolls her eyes. “I guess it’s a good thing he’s being more considerate now.”
A girl approaches Kyle, it seems like she wants to dance with him, and he reluctantly let himself be dragged by her. Cartman is totally unimpressed.
“Kyle is sooo desperate, of course he’s gonna go with any bitch that gives him the slightest amount of attention.” Cartman snorts. “Fucking lame.”
“This girl comes up and asks if I’m waiting for someone.” Kyle narrates. “I tell her I’m not, so she says I should dance with her.” He shrugs with indifference. “I’m already here, so why not, I guess?”
Kyle and the girl are mingling with the crowd. He’s not the best at dancing, but she appears to be charmed by him anyway. They chat casually as she leads him. Cartman is watching them with annoyance.
“So much for wanting a ‘real’ relationship!” Cartman comments with cynicism. “He’s grinding against this absolute nobody like a slut. You’re such a fucking whore, Kyle.”
Despite his two left feet-ism, Kyle is having fun, smiling and laughing as he spins the girl around. She’s subtly trying to reduce the space between them.
“She’s really nice, you know?” Kyle smiles. “I wasn’t feeling great, but dancing with her really improved my mood. And she seems interested in me, maybe I could ask for her number later?”
“Mpghm mphmgh pghmgh mhphm mphghm phghm mpgh! Mphm mpghm mhmhmph!”
I’m talking to these two babes when I see Kyle is on the dance floor with a total hottie. Go, Kyle!
While Cartman watches Kyle have fun with a stranger, a guy approaches him. He’s surprised at first, but then he smiles, and invites him to sit next to him, so they can continue chatting.
“I’m fucking dying of boredom when this guy suddenly calls my name.” Cartman narrates. “He looks like a rock star. Leather jacket, spiky hair, piercings like, he’s only missing a guitar. And then I realize! It’s Romper Stomper! From when I went to juvie!”
*Note: Eric Cartman went to juvenile prison for committing a hate crime against an African American classmate back when he was in third grade.
Cartman and his friend Romper are drinking beer and talking animatedly. Kyle, still on the dance floor, notices them.
“I don’t know what I expected.” Kyle shrugs a bit too aggressively. “Throwing himself all over some dude, I guess that’s how he is.” He drinks. “Butters is right there, though.”
Butters is now entertaining the public with his Russian dancing. They cheer for him as he enthusiastically does some traditional moves.
“I see Eric made a friend!” Butters yells at the camera. “I’m so happy for him! He seems nice!”
Romper ruffles Cartman’s hair while they’re chatting, and Cartman pushes his hand away, laughing. They’ve moved onto heavier drinks.
“Romper’s telling me he got out earlier from juvie for good behavior. He says my gift to him inspired him to become a better person.” Cartman chuckles. “That’s embarrassing. But I’m glad he’s doing good. He’s like, one of the few guys on this planet that don’t suck.”
Kyle has now left the dance floor and is sitting next to Stan by the bar. He’s not saying much, just watching Cartman and Romper. His friend looks vaguely concerned, glancing at Wendy, but she’s indifferent.
“Kyle was dancing with this girl, and it looks like he was having fun, but the minute he comes to us, he has this face like he stepped on shit or something.” Stan says. “I ask him what is it, and he says nothing, obviously. But then I look over and see Cartman with some guy laughing.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “It never ends with these two.”
“If you ask me if I’m surprised, well I’m not.” Wendy is exasperated. “Of course this kind of thing would happen in a club. Everyone wants to have sex here. And Kyle is getting mad like he wasn’t dancing with a girl earlier. Am I supposed to feel bad for him? I don’t. I just wanna leave this place.”
Cartman almost trips while trying to stand up, but Romper catches him. Kyle alternates from glaring at them to drinking whiskey. Stan tries to distract him to no avail.
Kenny is still at the table with the two girls, pointing at his friends and mumbling. They’re nodding and following along with his explanation.
“Mphm mphphm ghmph. Mhpghm mphghm ghmph mgghm pghm.”
It’s not looking good. Kyle is too drunk to hide his jealousy, and Cartman is too drunk to even notice.
“I’m having fun!” Cartman grins. “I didn’t expect to meet an old friend here, I thought this would suck. I guess Kenny was right after all, clubs are cool.”
Cartman and Romper seem to exchange contacts before the latter leaves to the restroom.
“We just followed each other on insta!” Cartman excitedly explains before showing his phone screen. “Look how ripped he is! It’s fucking crazy!”
Taking advantage of Romper’s absence, Kyle walks towards Cartman, empty bottle in hand. Stan tries to stop him to no avail. Wendy shakes his head at him.
“This is not gonna end well.” Stan shakes his head. “When Kyle gets like this, he doesn’t really listen to anybody…”
Cartman is on his phone, so he doesn’t really notice Kyle until the guy is in front of him.
“Is Butters not enough?” Kyle tries to make himself heard over the music. “You’re also gonna try with anybody?”
“What?” Cartman is confused.
“Somebody has to tell him.” Kyle talks to the camera. “Somebody has to tell him that what he’s doing is not right.”
“What the fuck is this bitch talking about?” Cartman addresses the camera as well.
“You’re flirting with a stranger!” Kyle points at his friend furiously. “All because Butters isn’t looking!”
Kenny pulls down his hood to his eyes. “Phh mpfh.”
Oh shit.
“I’m not flirting with anyone?!” Cartman yells back. "I just met an old friend, and we’re catching up, the fuck is your problem?!”
“That’s not what it looks like!” Kyle looks at Cartman up and down. “You were literally all over him!”
“What?!” Cartman is livid. “I wasn’t- wait. What does Butters have to do with anything?” He belatedly asks.
“Well, you’re together, aren’t you?” Kyle states like it’s obvious.
“No we’re not?!” Cartman’s grimacing. “Who the fuck told you that?!”
Kyle looks taken aback by the response. “You’re…You’re not?”
“Look, I love Kyle, he’s my best friend.” Stan seems tired. “But he’s such an idiot sometimes. Why couldn’t he ask normally?”
“Way to go, Kyle!” Wendy talks sarcastically. “It’s not like you could’ve found out by literally asking him beforehand or anything.”
Butters is now being passed around by the dancing crowd. He’s a bit scared of falling, but he’s having fun.
“I think something’s going on with the fellas!” He shouts. “I hope it’s nothing bad, though!”
“Why do you care anyway?” Cartman is frowning at Kyle. “You were dancing with that bitch earlier and nobody is telling you anything!”
“That’s not the same!” Kyle retorts. “Because I…”
“You’re what?” Cartman narrows his eyes. “You’re what, Kyle?”
Romper walks into the scene, looking around in confusion. “What’s going- woah!” He sees the empty bottle in Kyle’s hand and immediately has a pocket knife in his hands. “Who the fuck are you?!”
Someone screams and some people step back, scared it will take a turn for the worse.
“It’s…nobody.” Cartman says coldly, and casually takes the weapon from Romper’s hand, tucking it in his pocket instead. He looks like he wants to say something else, but instead, he abruptly grabs Romper by the shoulders and drags him down to his height to have their lips meet.
Kyle drops the bottle from the surprise.
“No way.” Stan covers his mouth in dismay. “Just no fucking way.”
“I don’t know what’s going on.” Romper says. “We haven’t seen each other in like a decade…But I’m pretty drunk, so, sure?”
Romper reciprocates, much to everyone’s surprise. In the distance, Stan can be seen shaking his head with his eyes shut.
“What did I say about clubs?” Wendy shrugs with a forced smile.
Kenny and his girlfriends are gawking at the spectacle.
“Mphmph phmhphm ghmph mphmph, phmgh ghmphm.”
I didn’t think Cartman would have the balls, but I guess he does.
After a while watching the two makeout, Kyle seems to recover his motor skills as he grits his teeth and heads for the dance floor. Seconds later, he pulls the girl he was dancing with earlier. Without explaining, he cups her face and kisses her.
Cartman breaks it off to see Kyle and the girl. Stan is burying his face in his arms at this point.
“Do they even realize what they’re doing?!” He exasperatedly talks to the camera. “If they’re mutually attempting to make the other jealous, they’re basically admitting they’re into each other. Do they realize that?”
Laughing uncontrollably, Kenny is banging the table. The two girls beside him don’t really know how to react.
“Phm, mphghm! Phmphgh mpgh!”
Oh, it’s on! It’s fucking on!
Full of spite now, Cartman goes back to kissing Romper, this time slamming him against the wall which Romper was into. On the other hand, the girl briefly reciprocates Kyle’s kiss before pulling away and slapping him. She leaves back to the dance floor. Kyle is stunned.
“Okay, maybe I went about it the wrong way,” Kyle says, “But wasn’t that the whole point? Wasn’t that why she asked me to dance?”
“I guess it’s what I would’ve done if I saw Stan kissing another girl.” Wendy admits. “But you have to have more finesse about it. Kyle was too blunt.”
Stan just shakes his head in defeat, saying nothing to the camera.
Still recovering from the assault, Kyle glares at Cartman and Romper bitterly. It appears as if they’re heading to somewhere more private. Just when they’re about to disappear through the door, a familiar voice shouts over the noise.
“Stop, Eric!” Butters makes its way through the crowd. “This isn’t right!”
“Oh, my god!” Stan exclaims, dragging his hands through his face. “Now, what?!”
“Pmhph mphghm mpghmph.”
This is seriously free entertainment.
“Eric!” Butters continues as he’s finally within inches distance. Cartman’s not listening to him. “Stop!” He pulls his friend from the arm, separating him from Romper.
“Of course Cartman was lying.” Kyle huffs. “Butters and him are definitely a thing.”
“Agh!” Cartman is infuriated. “What the fuck, Butters?”
“Why are you kissing someone else?” Butters’ voice is high-pitched. “You like Kyle!”
Kyle’s eyes go wide and his jaw drops.
“What did he say?” He asks the camera. “What did Butters just say?”
“I’m gonna kill him.” Cartman’s expression is impassive. “I’m gonna kill him, and then I’m gonna kill his parents. And then I’m gonna…”
“The hell are you saying?!” Cartman shoves Butters violently. “Why would I like that stupid shithead?!”
“And, Kyle!” Stan intervenes, turning all heads towards him. “You like Cartman! What are you doing?” Beside him, Wendy is pretending not to know him.
“Bebe loves soap operas, so she’s made me watch some.” She says. “But I’ve never seen something this ridiculous before. Ever.”
“I just had to say something.” Stan explains. “I’m fucking sick of this whole charade. Don’t make us deal with your bullshit, you deal with it!”
Kyle is pointing at himself, like he can’t believe Stan is talking about him. “Me…?”
Cartman opens and closes his mouth, staring at the camera with empty eyes. “I, uh, what, huh…”
The camera zooms on Craig and Tweek, watching the whole thing unfold.
“I don’t even know what to say.” Craig begins. “It’s like God is laughing in our faces.”
“It’s really messed up, man!” Tweek’s body vibrates with his words. “It’s too much pressure! They stress me out!”
“I would tell Tweek to leave, but I just know the bullshit is somehow gonna follow us, so.” Craig is tired. “We just have to wait ‘til it’s over, I guess.”
–
On the final segment of today’s episode of ‘South Park: Love Adventures’, the thrilling sequel to Kyle and Cartman’s love story!
The boys are now aware their feelings are reciprocated? How will they react?
Is this the end of their friendship as we know it? Or the beginning of a beautiful romance?
Find out after the break!
–
Kyle and Cartman stand in the dead-end alley next to the club’s backdoor. Romper decided to stay inside with some girls. Butters, Kenny and his girlfriends can be seen peeking their heads. Stan pretends not to care, but he’s keeping an eye on his blond friends, alert. Wendy watches her phone in boredom.
“Stan finally agrees to leave but, of course, it’s to see what those idiots are up to.” She keeps scrolling her phone. “I just texted Bebe to see if she’s still at the party.”
“I just really hope this turns out right,” Butters looks fearful. “Or Eric will want my head on a platter.” He shudders. “Oh hamburgers!”
“Mphphm mphghm ghphgm, mpgh mphgh phmgh. Phghm mghphm.”
I said I didn’t want to meddle, but I have to see how it ends. It’s a gamechanger.
“We don’t really know what’s going on?” The first girl starts.
“But this guy in a hoodie is super funny.” The other girl continues.
“Yeah! I have no idea what he’s saying!”
“Right?”
Despite being in front of each other, Kyle and Cartman refuse to meet eyes. They’re standing awkwardly and fidgeting, embarrassed.
“It’s not true…right?” Cartman is the one to break the silence. “What Stan said.” He forces a chuckle.
“There’s simply no way.” Cartman is determined. “Kyle hates me, he always has.”
“What about what Butters said?” Kyle retorts just as fast. “It’s just a misunderstanding, isn’t it?”
“Butters has always had his head in the clouds.” Kyle explains. “It’s totally plausible he got everything wrong.”
Cartman frowns. “I asked you first.”
“So?” Kyle crosses his arms.
“So you should fucking answer first before you ask me anything!” Cartman replies, walking to Kyle to push him.
“It’s so like goddamn Kyle to be sneaky at moments like this!” He complains. “Always trying to cheat his way out of things!”
“Don’t fucking push me.” Kyle blurts while he pushes Cartman back. “And stop acting like a child!”
“I know exactly what he wants to do.” Kyle declares vehemently. “He wants me to say something embarrassing, so he can humiliate me about it! I’m not 10 years old anymore, Cartman!”
“Oh, I’m the child when you’re the one avoiding the question!”
“And you aren’t?!”
“Didn’t your mom teach you about manners, Kyle?!”
“You’re gonna talk to me about manners?! Seriously?!”
“I can hear them screaming from where I’m standing, and it’s not going well.” Stan is jaded. “How are they managing to fuck it up? They already know what’s going on.” He exhales heavily. “I hate them.”
“Phmhp mhphgm ghpmh, mpghph pghmmhph mgh.”
You gotta hand it to them, they’re made for each other.
“Okay, okay!” Cartman raises his hands. “Let’s say it on the count of 3.”
“Oh, no!” Kyle refuses. “I’m not going to fall for that again! Fuck you!”
“Kyle, I promise, I’ll be honest!”
“No!” Kyle begins to walk back.
“Look,” Cartman stops him by grabbing Kyle’s hands between his. “I’m serious, okay? I won’t cheat this time.”
Kyle bits his lip, reluctant. After a moment, he accepts, “...Fine.”
Butters is clapping excitedly in the background.
“Eric is finally being genuine! Yippee!”
“Someone has to take the reins here, since Kyle is too busy being a little bitch.” Cartman shrugs.
“On my count, alright?” Cartman announces
“Okay.”
“1…” He looks over to Kyle.
The latter is visibly nervous.
“2…”
Kyle shuts his eyelids, breathing in.
“3!”
“Yes, I like you!” He shouts into the silent darkness of the alley. Upon realizing he’s the only one that said anything, he flings his eyes open.
Cartman is covering his mouth, trembling with laughter.
“You motherfucker!” Kyle is livid.
“No way! No way you fell for it that easily!” Cartman cackles brazenly. “What are you, 10?”
“It’s like he never learns!” Cartman’s still laughing. “Falling for the same tricks over and over. His face is priceless every time!”
“Mphmph,” Kenny is frowning, “Pghmpghm pghm.”
Not cool, not fucking cool.
“You…You said you wouldn’t cheat!” Kyle grabs him by the jacket. “You promised!”
“And you believed me?” Cartman scoffs. “Grow up, Kyle.”
“I guess I should’ve known…” Kyle is avoiding looking at the camera. “He’s the kind of person that would play with people’s feelings. I guess that’s my answer.”
Someone touches Kyle’s shoulder, and he turns to find Butters standing in front of them. Without further announcement, Butters gives Cartman a left hook that makes him drop on the pavement with a thud.
“Woah!” Kyle jolts in surprise. “B-Butters?!”
“Ow!” Cartman slowly sits up, rubbing his cheek, “What the hell, Butters?!”
“That’s not nice, Eric!” Butters scolds him like a mother. “You don’t play with people’s feelings like that! Now I’m gonna have to punish you!”
"We've talked about this before!" Butters is frowning. "About being more honest with your feelings!"
“P-Punish?” Kyle repeats, lost.
“Don’t fucking touch me, Butters!” Cartman screams in panic as his friend attempts to turn him around.
Kyle rubs his eyes, like he can’t believe what he’s seeing.
“Oh, yes, Mister!” Butters tries to pull down Cartman’s pants. “It’s time for some good ol’ groundin’!”
“No!” Cartman is still resisting.
“I hear screams from the alley.” Stan’s face is pale. “But I’m too scared to look. I think I’m better off not knowing what’s going on.”
Wendy is just smiling sarcastically, gesturing with her hands.
“Mphmh ghmphm ghmphhm mpghph. Phmghm.”
I think I’m about to witness some public spanking. Amazing.
“Okay, I kinda wanna leave now…” The first girl says.
“Me too…” Adds the second one.
“Alright, fine!” Cartman slaps Butters hands away. “I was gonna take my time, but okay!” He looks at Kyle, still lying on the cold, hard ground. “I…” He has trouble coming up with words, so he closes his eyes, gritting his teeth.
“Eric!” Butters raises his hand threateningly.
“Aghh, fuck!” Cartman yells to nobody in particular.
“Cart…man?” Kyle calls him in fear.
As if hearing his name had convinced him, Cartman opens his eyes. “I wanted to make fun of you for a bit, okay? I just wanted to lord over the fact that you like me, of all people in the universe, because that’s hilarious, in a way!”
Stan holds his hands in a praying pose. “Please…”
“Hilarious?” Wendy says, “More like fucking humiliating, but yeah, whatever.
Kyle narrows his eyes, “What are you…”
“I’m saying I like you, stupid!” Cartman finally confesses. “God! Fuck!” He buries his face in his own chest. “This is fucking embarrassing!”
“I’m proud of you, Eric!” Butters pats his back.
Cartman smacks his hand away. “Shut up, Butters.”
“Did I mishear?” Stan’s eyes are as big as tennis balls. “Has it finally happened?”
“About goddamn time.” Wendy rolls her eyes.
“I’m so happy for Eric!” Butters beams, “He’s such a handful, but he really likes Kyle!”
After a moment, Kyle closes his mouth, furrowing his brows. “I don’t believe you.”
“What?!” Eric is scowling too.
“Like I’m gonna believe him after what he just did.” Kyle raises his arms. “I’m not that stupid.”
“You just humiliated me, you make fun of me constantly, and you have tried to ruin my life ever since we know each other.” Kyle listed, his frown getting deeper. “There’s no way you’d ever like me. You hate me.”
“Leave it to Kyle to ruin a moment like this.” Cartman stares at the ceiling. “It’s fine, though. I expected that.”
“Oh, yeah?” Cartman finally gets up and walks towards Kyle.
“Y-Yeah…” Kyle stands tall and serious, wanting to show his resolve.
“Well,” Cartman is in front of Kyle once again. “Believe this, then.” He says, standing on his tiptoes. Without leaving Kyle margin to react, he cups Kyle’s cheeks and kisses him.
Butters is covering a wide grin behind his hands, squealing like an excited little girl. Stan and Wendy are now spying with Kenny, the other girls long gone.
“Mpghm phghm mpgh phgm phmgh!”
I thought I’d die before this happened!
“I can’t believe it!” Stan is smiling. “I can’t believe I’m happy these idiots kissed!”
“Alright, I’ll hand it to Cartman.” Wendy admits with annoyance. “That was pretty smooth.”
Kyle’s hands are floating in the air, like they don’t know where to be. He clenches his fists, before they find their place in Cartman’s waist. Holding him closer, Kyle leans in to kiss him better.
Butters tries to hug them, only to be kicked by Cartman without interrupting the kiss.
“It’s like a dream come true!” He explains. “For Eric, but for me too!! Love is truly real…” He giggles happily.
Craig and Tweek pass by, thinking they’re finally safe when they see Kyle and Cartman by the end of the alley.
“Jesus!” Tweek screams as he jumps like a rabbit. “No!”
Craig begins kicking a trash can in anger. “Fucking! Hate! This! Stupid! Town!” He shouts with every kick. Stan and Kenny are quick to push them away, but it’s not like Kyle and Cartman notice them either way.
“We waited for so long!” Craig is walking to the camera. “Because we didn’t want to see anything! But we still saw those two! How?!” He shakes it. “How?!”
“Are we being-agh! Are we being trolled?!” Tweek is pulling from his hair in anxiety.
Kyle and Cartman are being surrounded by a heart frame when they break it off. They’re smiling at each other as the heart closes on them.
End.