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Crash! bang!
Edward hears a racket as he’s walking through the corridors of The Revenge. It sounds like it’s from Izzy’s cabin, so he probably should check it out.
“Shit shit shit!”
That sounds like… Stede? Yeah he definitely has to check that out.
Edward pokes his head into Izzy’s cabin hesitantly, hoping he doesn’t find his two boyfriends at each other’s throats.
“everything okay in here, mate?” he asks.
“Quick, close the door!” Stede whispers as he ushers in Edward.
“Okay… but what was that?” Edward looks around, not seeing any angry Izzy’s or much of anything out of place.
Stede holds up a fencing saber with a horrific bend in it.
“Why?!” Edward gasps like he’s just seen a murder.
“I stepped on it!” Stede says tearfully.
“Why?!”
“I was dusting his things!”
“Why?!”
“Stop saying that!”
They both look at the bent saber in shock for a moment, as if they’re trying to make sense of the tragedy that has just occurred.
“What do we do?!” Stede asks Ed.
“We? Don’t bring me into this mate!” Ed puts his hands up and starts backing away.
“Ed! You have to help me!”
“I don’t want to get in trouble! Dude’s fucking terrifying! And he’s still mad at me for eating his sandwich the other day”
“Edward! You swore to me in front of the whole crew that we would be there for each other no matter what! You said that you loved me so much, we would face the fiery pits of hell together!”
“Yeah but this is Izzy! He’ll kill us both if he finds out-”
“If I find out what?”
They both turn to see Izzy standing in the doorway watching them warily.
“Hiiiiii,” they say in unison as they hurry to hide the evidence behind their backs.
“Why are you two bastards in my cabin? Thought we were meeting for dinner in the captain’s quarters.”
“Yeeeesss, we were…looking for you! You…hot piece of ass.” Ed says in the least suspicious tone he can manage.
Izzy looks very confused and uncomfortable, he repeats to himself quietly “piece of ass?”
“Right!” Stede jumps in with more flattery, “We could not stop thinking about you, you beautiful magnificent man! The stars themselves pale in comparison to the beauty of your silvery hair.”
Izzy flushes at the extravagant compliments.
“You-what- why?” Izzy stammers.
“Do we need a reason to lavishly lay lascivious laurels on our lover?” Stede says like an insane person.
“Something fishy is going on here,” Izzy retorts after a long pause.
“I don’t know what yet, but I will find out and there will be consequences. I don’t like being left out of the loop.” He gives them a patented Izzy Hands glare and leaves them standing there.
“Okay what are we gonna do?” Ed asks panicked “we can’t keep distracting him with bad compliments forever!”
“What if we just get a new one?”
“Oh! Sure Stede! Let's just go the master blacksmith in the middle of the Atlantic and buy a custom crafted rapier with his name engraved on the handle!”
“Do you think they’d rush the job if I gave them enough money?”
“That’s not a real option!”
“Well, I don’t know what else to do!”
“We have to confess, we have to throw ourselves at his feet and beg for mercy. If we’re lucky, he’ll just yell and stomp a lot.”
“Will that work?”
“It fucking has to mate, there’s no other option.”
An hour later they’re waiting for Izzy in the Captains’ quarters, a spread of Izzy’s favorite foods laid out on the table.
Stede, pacing the room nervously, looks like he’s about to face a firing squad. Again.
“Chin up mate, at least he can’t stab you.”
“Edward that is not funny!”
“It’s a little funny.”
Just as stede is about to admonish Edward further, Izzy enters.
“What's all this then?” Izzy inquires in a gruff tone. “it’s not my birthday or anniversary is it?”
“No darling, we just wanted to do something nice for you” Stede explains.
“Here, have a seat” Edward rushes to pull out Izzy’s chair.
“You two are never this nice to me.” Izzy narrows his eyes. “What’s the catch?”
“Have a bit of the turkish delight, love. Roach made them just for you.”
“hmm,” Izzy complies. They do taste just like the ones he had as a kid.
“Izzy, my dearest love, my truest friend, I have made an error of the gravest magnitude. I fear that I have caused irreparable damage to our relationship.”
“What?”
“I stand before you, a humble man, a poor soul adrift in a sea of grief when I think of how I have betrayed you.”
Stede takes Izzy’s hand and kneels beside him. “Oh Izzy, I regret nothing more than this, the pain I have caused you. I lay myself prostrate before you, I am at your mercy!”
Stede holds Izzy’s hand to his chest. “My heart is yours to do with as you will! I only ask that you make it a clean break.”
“Edward what the fuck is he talking about?”
“He stepped on your sword and broke it.”
“He WHAT?!?”
“He's real torn up about it though.”
Izzy looks at Stede, kneeling on the floor with tears in his eyes.
“Oh my beloved, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive a poor wretched sinner?”
“Bonnet, will you stop talking like that? You sound like a bad fucking novel for catholic housewives.”
“My words come from deep within my heart, they are merely a window to the suffering of my infernal soul.”
“If you replace it and promise to never ambush me with this romance novel sop again, I’ll forgive you.”
“Oh, did I ever know true love till this night? Forswear it sight!” Stede kisses Izzy’s palm, wrist, and cheeks.
“I will stab you in the gut again if you don’t stop.”
“Understood, very sorry about all this Izzy.” Stede stands and dusts himself off.
“Good, now fuck off and let me enjoy my meal in peace.”
“What? Iz, we did all this for you. It’s supposed to be all romantic and shit, like a nice date.” Edward whines.
“Dates are for boyfriends, not annoying little shits who invade my personal space.”
“Please Iz?” Stede gives Izzy the sad puppy eyes.
“You realize you lot are getting off easy, if it were anyone else who broke it I’d take their bollocks with a spoon”
The boys both pale as they consider that prospect.
“Understood, we’ll leave you to your nice quiet dinner.”
As they leave the room they hear Izzy mutter under his voice.
“I can’t believe I fell in love with an absolute idiot. Twice.”