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You don’t deserve it.
The thought has been playing on repeat in Mayoi’s mind ever since Arashi walked into the classroom, ever since she called for him and told him there was something she wanted to talk to him about. He doesn’t deserve such kindness, such patience—
“You really are a kind person, Mayoi-chan.”
—he doesn’t, so why did she tell him that? Arashi is the one who’s kind, and Mayoi isn’t someone who that kindness should be wasted on. He’d be better off alone in the shadows like he’s so accustomed to, or better yet, dead in those same shadows where nobody can find him.
(That might not be the best course of action, though, because now, somehow, people love him. Alkaloid, Shinobu, and now Arashi and Mika… he doesn’t want to make them upset, and the least someone like him can do is avoid causing more pain.)
“—yoi-chan? Mayoi-chan, is everything okay?”
Mayoi blinks, and when the world comes into focus, Arashi’s hand is scarily close to his on the table. Something like a gasp jumps out of his throat, and he jerks his hand back, holding it to his chest. His breaths are quick, unsteady, and he can feel the two sets of eyes on him as if they were burning into his skull.
“I’m— I’m sorry,” Mayoi stutters, eyes squeezing shut so he doesn’t have to see what must be disgust on Arashi and Mika’s faces. He’s about to start apologising again, he knows, but he bites down hard on his lip instead.
Don’t panic.
He should leave; he has to leave—
“Ayase-kun, why’re ya apologising?”
Huh?
He doesn’t know.
“I… don’t know.”
The silence is suffocating. Mayoi opens one eye a crack, but there’s no disgust in anyone’s expressions; only something that he might be naive enough to call concern. That’s… strange. Alkaloid has looked at him like that before, yes — Tatsumi always manages to notice when he’s overwhelmed, but Tatsumi is different. He’s different, someone who accepts the terrible creature Mayoi is without any judgement. These people, though, are something else. Arashi and Mika are both part of popular units, and even without that factor, they both have plenty of friends at Yumenosaki and are likeable people, so why would they choose to talk to Mayoi like this?
It doesn’t make sense.
“We like talking to you, Mayoi-chan,” Arashi says kindly, and if there’s one thing Mayoi’s learned from such a short time around her, she’s awfully perceptive.
(Too perceptive. She can surely see what a terrible person he is, she can surely see all his flaws and everything that he doesn’t have that he should.)
(But then—)
(Then, she’s seeing all that and still choosing to stay here with him?)
“Why?”
It’s a pathetic question, he knows, but if either of them can give him an answer, he’ll accept it. It really is selfish of him; taking and taking from anyone who’s kind enough to bear being around him.
“Of course, if you hate me, you can say no.”
Why would he hate her? If anything, she might hate him. (She should hate him.) Arashi is like the sun. She’s bright and radiant, and she draws everyone to her. He’s seen the way students talk to her, the way they hand her letters in envelopes decorated with love hearts and glitter and stars. He’s seen the way she acts on stage with Knights, managing to treat each of their fans like they’re special in their own ways. He’s seen the way her unitmates look up to her, the way they treat her like she really is their big sister.
And Mika — he’s like the moon. He isn’t as bright as Arashi, but he’s dazzling nonetheless. He’s kind, gentle, and gets along with everyone, even if he’s a little shy. If only Mayoi could overcome his own nerves the way Mika somehow manages to. On stage, he’s completely different: Valkyrie’s performances are beautiful, and Mika always carries out the dances flawlessly.
Compared to them, Mayoi is the dark clouds that sometimes cover up the sun during the day and the moon at night, taking away their shine. If he were to stay around them, what would happen to their lives, their careers?
Why would they choose to be around someone like him?
“I just do,” Arashi laughs, the sound light and bubbling. “Do I need to justify that?”
Ah—
Mika grins beside her, reaching out and taking her hand.
Maybe, if it’s them—
Arashi reaches out her hand towards Mayoi, and Mika does the same.
Slowly, carefully, Mayoi brushes his fingers over the palms of their outstretched hands. Smiling, Arashi squeezes. The contact is unfamiliar, but it’s warm, and maybe, just maybe, he could get used to this.
The bell rings, and for once the noise doesn’t bother him.
Maybe, just like this, it’ll be alright.