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The car ride back to the dorm was bumpy and took much longer than it usually did. At least, it felt that way to Minnie.
It was nearly three in the morning and they were on their way back to the dorm. They had a full week of free time ahead of them, which meant no schedules and no cameras in her face. It meant she could stay in her bed for days at a time without a care in the world.
Despite it being such an ungodly hour, the other four in the car were as loud as ever, celebrating having finished their last practice session of the week and the free week ahead of them.
Minnie was the only one who was silent, staring out the window and watching the streetlamp illuminated scenery outside. It was hypnotising, the way the light reflected off the leaves, branches swaying slightly in the night breeze. Minnie wished the car would drive slower so she could see the view more clearly. She could stare at it for hours if she’d had the chance to. Maybe she would do that one night during her free week.
-
After what felt like forever, the van pulled up at their apartment. The girls tumbled out of the van excitedly, eager to enter the apartment and rest. Minnie trailed behind them, watching them run like little kids.
“It feels nice to be home.” Miyeon lay spread-eagled on the cool wooden floor, eyes closed.
“Hey, go shower, don’t fall asleep on the floor!” Soyeon prodded the eldest with her foot, ushering a whine from the brunette.
Minnie took her clothes and slipped into the toilet silently, closing the door, muffling the sounds of her members bickering in the living room.
-
As she removed her hoodie, her nails accidentally raked against her forearm. The sudden pain made her squeal.
The girl caressed the area she had scratched with the pad of her thumb. She could feel the marks and lines beneath her fingers. She brought her arm closer, examining it.
She was running out of space.
Her entire forearm was covered in marks of varying lengths and deepness. She could see drying beads of blood forming from the fresh cut she had made that morning. That cut had taken up the last of the space on her right forearm, the dark red line located just beneath the inside of her elbow.
Honestly, she was amazed that no one had found out yet. All her stage outfits from their recent comeback had long sleeves. She had thought she would need to put concealer to cover the scars, but even then she was worried that someone would see. Netizens were eagle-eyed and seemed to always spot even the smallest details. She was grateful that their stylists had chosen long-sleeved outfits.
Her earliest cuts had already healed over, the scabs had fallen off and left the skin smooth, the faded marks nearly invisible. Minnie never dared to cut too deep.
She touched the healed skin. She wondered if it had healed enough for her to cut it a second time.
There was only one way to find out, right?
She opened the drawer beneath the sink and felt around before pulling out the light pink penknife.
Minnie pressed the cool metal against her skin, wondering if this was a bad idea.
She shrugged. She would never know unless she tried.
The girl pressed the sharp tip of the blade into the skin of her wrist and dragged it across her arm.
She watched as the metal left an indent in her skin. It took a few moments before the first bead of blood appeared.
Her body moved on its own accord. Without her even realising, the blade was pressed to her skin again, just below the cut she had made seconds ago.
Minnie obeyed her body, once again digging the sharp tip into once unblemished skin. She hissed softly at the sting.
She knew it was wrong.
She knew she shouldn’t continue doing it.
But the pain was addicting. The feeling of the sharp metal piercing in her skin was addicting. Watching the beads of blood collect on top of the cut was addicting.
She couldn’t stop.
And so she made a third cut, and a fourth, and a fifth, relishing in the pain, all while her brain screamed at her to stop.
“Minnie? Are you almost done?”
The Thai girl flinched at the knock on the door. “Nearly!” She yelled back at Yuqi. “Okay, hurry up!” The girl called back before Minnie heard her footsteps retreat.
The girl examined the damage she had done to her body. Stepping into the shower and turning it on, she ran her wrist under the water. She grimaced as the warm water seemed to burn at the cuts on her skin.
As the blood washed away, Minnie looked at the cuts. The lines were a deep crimson.
She could probably write on her arm. It was like notebook paper, the lines dark and straight.
She was overcome by the sudden urge to laugh, even though it wasn’t even funny.
‘God, what is wrong with me?’
-
It was nearly five in the morning when the dorm finally quietened down, the five girls having played a board game that resulted in them yelling at each other.
Shuhua and Yuqi were watching something on the television and the other two were chatting. Minnie, feeling the need to be alone, bid them goodnight and left for her room.
The Thai always had problems falling asleep, but she had only slept for three hours the previous night and the sheer exhaustion drowned out the anxiety and overthinking that usually kept her up. Within minutes she was asleep, face lax and body curled into itself.
The pitter-patter of rain beat steadily against the windows. Minnie slept soundly. It was half-past five.
Lightning flashed, illuminating the girl’s room.
A deafening clap of thunder followed. Minnie shot awake, panicked and absolutely terrified. Another crash of thunder sounded, and although it was not as loud as the one that had woken her up, she could practically feel it in her bones.
She pressed her palms against her ears. Anxiety flowed through her veins as the storm grew violent.
She couldn’t stay in the room alone.
She stumbled clumsily out of her room, hands still covering her ears. The dorm was dark, the rest of the girls probably already asleep in their rooms.
The lack of light made Minnie’s disoriented mind panic even more. She could feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on. She was already struggling to breathe, and there were tears in her eyes.
She rushed to the end of the hallway and took her hands off her ears, knocking frantically on the door.
Thunder rumbled. She yelped.
She couldn’t breathe.
She fumbled with the doorknob and forced the door open.
“Minnie?”
Miyeon was nestled beneath the blanket, round spectacles perched on her nose, holding a book in her hands. The light was off, the night light beside her bed giving the room a warm glow.
A blinding flash of light illuminated the room.
Minnie’s legs gave out in her terror, a heart-wrenching sob forcing its way out of her throat that was immediately drowned out by the thunder.
Miyeon rushed to the younger’s side. Wordlessly, she held Minnie close, the latter shaking with every sob that tore itself from her throat.
“I can’t-“ Minnie cut herself off, choking on her tears. Miyeon shushed her gently, brushing her bangs out of her face, caressing tear-stained cheeks with her thumb.
Minnie tried. She really tried, but she couldn’t breathe. Her airways felt like they had given up on her.
“I- can’t…breathe.” Minnie forced the words out in between desperate gasps for air.
Miyeon stopped hugging the younger girl and pulled away. The small action made the latter panic. She clutched onto the brunette’s pajama sleeve, anxiety increasing tenfold at the loss of physical contact.
Miyeon held Minnie’s face in her cold hands. “Breathe in.” She said it softly. Minnie obeyed, trying her best to inhale through violent hiccups and unfiltered sobs.
“Breathe out.”
They stayed like that, on the floor, Minnie inhaling and exhaling as the elder held her. The younger rested her head on Miyeon’s chest, her steady heartbeat drowning out the raging storm.
Miyeon pressed reassuring kisses to the taller’s crown. Slowly but surely, her hiccups and sobs evened out into steady breaths.
Miyeon rearranged the younger’s bangs while the latter rested against her. She could tell the girl was awake.
“Let’s sit on the bed, hmm?”
Obediently, the younger nodded. Miyeon supported her to the bed.
Silence engulfed them. The storm had calmed, replaced by a light drizzle.
Minnie’s eyes were puffy and swollen. She allowed Miyeon to tuck her into the bed, the older arranging the pillows to be as comfortable as possible for her. Minnie smiled.
Miyeon burrowed into the covers and looped her arms around the younger.
“Thank you.” The brunette looked up in surprise, tilting her head. She broke into a smile, eyes curving into crescents.
Personally, Minnie thought that the oldest’s smile was nothing short of breathtaking. She absolutely adored the elder girl.
“Thank you for coming to me.” Miyeon pressed a kiss to the younger’s lips, stealing the breath from her lungs.
They fell asleep, Miyeon hugging her girlfriend close, the gentle arms encircling her waist holding her securely.
-
Minnie was the first to wake up the next day. It was already nearly afternoon, but it was understandable since they had all fallen asleep late last night.
She gently extracted herself from Miyeon’s arms, afraid of waking the girl up. She knew the girl was a light sleeper.
As she sat up, she became terribly aware of the insistent stinging on her wrist. She pulled her sleeve up.
One of the cuts was bleeding, staining the inside of her sleeve. Minnie shuddered. That had never happened before. She must have accidentally cut it too deep.
“Min?”
Minnie yanked her sleeve back down, wincing at the quick movement. Miyeon was rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She looked adorable.
“Good morning.” Minnie clambered over to tackle the elder girl, who burst into a fit of giggles.
Minnie beamed.
After Miyeon checked that Minnie was okay after the previous night, she left to take a shower.
Minnie exhaled in relief. She pulled up her sleeve again.
“Minnie?”
Miyeon was peering down at Minnie in confusion. Minnie pulled down the sleeve a second too late, and she knew Miyeon had caught the stain of crimson on her sweater.
“Why is your sleeve bloody?”
Minnie gave the first answer she could think of.
“My nose was bleeding last night, I cleaned it on my sleeve.”
Miyeon stared down at her, squinting.
“You cleaned it on the inside of your sleeve?”
“Uh…yeah?”
Miyeon seemed to hesitate before accepting the explanation. She pouted. “I told you to drink more water, you wouldn’t listen! See, your nose bled because you’re dehydrated!”
Minnie actually physically sagged in relief.
“Okay, i’ll drink more water.”
-
The rest of the day passed by quickly. Yuqi dragged Shuhua out to go shopping with her, and Soyeon stayed locked in her room writing a new song.
It rained a little in the afternoon, and Miyeon insisted on staying next to Minnie in case it suddenly escalated into a storm. Minnie silently thanked her for it. She was grateful that she had such a sweet girlfriend.
When the rain stopped in the early evening, Minnie decided to step out to take a breather while Miyeon took a nap. Pulling on one of her girlfriend’s oversized sweaters, she stepped out of the house.
It was cold outside, and Minnie shivered slightly. Winter was approaching quickly. Deciding that she wasn’t cold enough to go back and layer properly, she opted to tuck her hands into the big sleeves of her sweater and continue walking.
She didn’t exactly have a destination in mind, she just allowed her feet to lead her anywhere. One way or another, she ended up on a bench in a deserted park. Somewhere along the way, she’d realised she had forgotten to bring her phone, but she did leave a scribbled note on the counter saying that she went for a walk. She hoped her members wouldn’t worry too much about her.
The park was relatively empty, and her bench gave her a good view of everything—the cars on the road, the trees against the sun, the people walking along the sidewalks.
Minnie had a relatively short attention span and got bored pretty easily, so it took her by surprise when she glanced at the clock tower visible through the thick trees and realised that two hours had passed.
It was already nearly seven and the sun was barely visible, but Minnie couldn’t bear to leave. The setting sun radiated a golden kind of warmth, orange tinting the shades of pink and purple painting the sky. The rumbling of the car engines served as white noise as she allowed her thoughts to consume her.
She thought of her family back in Thailand, her parents and her brothers and her dogs and her friends supporting her from thousands of miles away. She thought of her room and her house and the school she used to attend. A wave of homesickness and loneliness crashed in onto her without warning.
She thought of her members, of how much she treasured them. She thought of their tiny leader and how caring she was, of Yuqi who always teased her yet showered her with playful affection, of Shuhua who had grown so much within such a short period of time. She thought of Soojin and wondered whether she was doing well on her own. She thought of Miyeon, her Miyeon, of how she would call Minnie adorable nicknames and cuddle with her at night, how safe she made her feel, how she would press kisses to the younger’s crown and run her fingers through her hair.
She ran her fingers over her scars on her wrist.
Was it really worth it to succumb to her inner struggles when she knew there were people who loved her dearly?
Somewhere deep inside, she knew they needed her. She knew her members needed her, she knew her family needed her.
But what if one day they stopped needing her?
What if one day she became nothing but a burden, nothing but empty weight dragging them down, holding them back?
What would she do when that day came?
Or did it already happen without her knowing it?
Thinking about it made her feel strangely empty inside. On a normal day, she would probably be hiding in her bathroom and silently crying while piercing her skin with that damned blade again.
She didn’t know why today was different. She couldn’t find it in herself to cry or to even move at all.
She felt numb.
Suddenly she felt the need to feel pain.
She needed to stop the numbness.
She wished she had brought her penknife.
Pain was the only thing that anchored her to reality. The aching sting was her way of reassurance that her sanity wasn’t slipping away.
She dug her nails into her skin, over and over again, leaving crescent indents on her palms.
It wasn’t enough. She needed her penknife.
It was pathetic really, how much she depended on that piece of sharp metal.
“Minnie?”
Fingers rested on her right forearm. She flinched away instinctively.
“Soojin?”
“What are you doing here?”
Minnie was finding it difficult to focus on Soojin. The girl’s face was swimming in and out of focus. She didn’t know whether the hand resting on her thigh belonged to her.
“You’re not well. Let’s get you home.”
Home. God, Minnie really wanted to go home.
-
Minnie didn’t know how she had gotten home. The last thing she remembered was Soojin’s arm snaked around her waist, desperately trying to support their weight as Minnie’s vision swam.
Now she was in a bed. Miyeon’s bed. The oldest had her knees pulled up to her chest, seemingly deep in thought. One of her hands was intertwined with Minnie’s, thumb rubbing her knuckles lovingly.
Minnie stared at Miyeon, taking in every feature—the slightly furrowed eyebrows, the expressive eyes, the way she unconsciously nibbled on her lower lip.
Eventually, the sheer intensity of the younger’s gaze snapped the older out of her trance. Minnie could see the worry reflected in her lover’s eyes when they settled on her.
No words were needed. Not yet, anyway. Silently, the shorter pressed a kiss to Minnie’s forehead. Soft hands threaded through her hair as Miyeon leaned down to kiss Minnie. It was neither gentle nor rough, just very characteristic of the older.
“Soojin said it must have been fatigue. Said that you’ve been overworking yourself.” Miyeon’s eyes showed hurt.
“I’m sorry.” Minnie rasped. Miyeon’s eyes softened.
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. You must have been stressed.” The older’s words were tender.
But it was Minnie’s fault.
It was her fault for not taking care of herself, for making everyone worry.
She knew that sooner or later, her members would find out that she had been intentionally harming herself. And what would happen then? What would they think of her?
Even the thought of them turning their backs on her was too much to handle.
Shakily, she inhaled, pushing herself up into a sitting position.
“Is Soojin still here?”
Miyeon nodded, swinging her legs off the bed. “I’ll call her in.”
Minnie’s fingers closed around her wrist. She shook her head. “I’ll go outside.”
Miyeon’s protests died on her tongue when Minnie pressed her knuckles to her lips.
The floor seemed to whirl under her feet as Minnie stood up, her world going black for a moment even though her eyes were open. If not for Miyeon’s hand on the small of her back, she would have toppled over.
“I’m fine. Really.” She assured her girlfriend, gripping the girl’s elbow as she blinked a few times as her vision came back to her.
Four girls were resting on the couch. Shuhua’s head rested on Soojin’s lap as the older absentmindedly combed her fingers through the girl’s hair. Yuqi’s hand rested on Soyeon’s knee. All of them were talking lowly, and Minnie caught her name once or twice.
She felt terrible. They should have been happily talking with Soojin, catching up with her face to face for the first time in months. But there they were, discussing Minnie’s condition because she had failed to take care of herself.
Soyeon spotted her first. The small girl got up and made her way towards her silently, pressing her hand to Minnie’s forehead when she reached her.
The older let her do whatever she wanted, still holding onto Miyeon for support.
“We were so worried.” The way Soyeon said it, the words weren’t accusatory at all. They were just truth, a fact. Minnie closed her eyes, not knowing what to say.
“I’ll cook dinner.” That was Soojin’s way or excusing herself to give the rest some space. Minnie could tell she didn’t feel she belonged anymore.
“Stay. You’re still a part of us.”
Soojin turned and in that moment, Minnie could see the mild surprise on her face.
The short-haired flashed her a small smile, one that she gladly returned.
-
Miyeon had to coax her to eat, as she didn’t feel that she could stomach anything. In the end, she ate a little, because it was Soojin’s cooking and she’d missed it a lot.
They were watching a movie now. Well, the five of them were watching the movie. Minnie was spacing out.
They would be better off without her. The voices in her head whispered words, words that she didn’t want to hear, words that affected her far more than they should have.
They don’t need you.
They hate you.
You’re a burden. Useless.
You’re better off dead.
She felt the pressure building in the back of her eyes and knew what she needed to do.
“Bathroom.” She mumbled, nearly stumbling over her feet from the dizziness caused by how quickly she stood up. She knew they were all staring at her in worry, she felt fingers graze her wrist in an attempt to slow her down, but she pulled away and rushed to the bathroom.
Locking the door behind her, she collapsed against it, breathless. Slowly, she stood up, hands gripping the edges of the sink to support her weak body.
Her reflection in the mirror stared back at her.
Lifeless.
She looked lifeless.
Soulless eyes stared back at her, dark circles hanging beneath them.
She forced on a smile, and suddenly the empty Minnie was gone. Her eyes curved into little crescent moons and her cheeks dimpled slightly, lips curving into a blissful grin.
Her smile dropped. Empty eyes bore back into her soul and before she knew it, the tears started falling.
Almost instinctively, she opened the drawer to search for her penknife.
She held the blade against her skin.
What good did hurting herself do to her?
She didn’t know.
But she had already started, and now she couldn’t stop.
-
Months passed. They had another comeback, and the fans loved it.
Minnie grew weaker as the days went on. Both physically and mentally.
She could no longer dance as powerfully as she used to. She couldn’t sing more than a few lines at a time without her voice cracking. Every single time she stood up, she had to hold on to something and shut her eyes as her world spun beneath her feet.
Her members noticed, of course. But they couldn’t do anything about it. Minnie never opened up to them anymore. Not even to Miyeon. The most they could do to help her was to offer her a shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t an offer she planned on accepting, but it was still something.
Minnie lost weight. Rapidly. Her body was a crappy frame of skin and bones. Her health was deteriorating and she knew it. Everyone knew it.
Her days were a vicious cycle of waking up, cutting herself, hiding it, barely making it through her exhausting schedules, going home, cutting herself again, and going to bed.
Sometimes it got too hard. Somedays in the dead of night when Miyeon was fast asleep beside her, Minnie would creep out of the dorm and go to her favourite park bench and watch cars pass.
Life was just a chore to her now. Day by day, her resolve thinned, and she found new reasons to detest her own existence. She was barely hanging by a thread.
The old Minnie was gone. The Minnie who smiled genuinely in front of cameras, who play-fought with Yuqi every day, who walked with a bounce in her step, who’s smile lit up a room. This new Minnie only smiled when there was a camera in sight, spent her days cooped up in her room alone, and rarely ate more than one meal a day.
She just wanted to go back to how it was before.
-
“Our shoot for today is over! Good job everyone!”
Everyone stood up to bow and bid the staff goodbye. Minnie stayed seated, bowing silently with her hands clasped together. She saw Soyeon eye her worriedly out of the corner of her eye.
“You’re really pale.” Miyeon’s warmer hands took her own cold ones.
“I’m fine.” Minnie closed her eyes. She felt dizzy, even though she was sitting.
A beat.
“Let’s go home.” Miyeon whispered the words softly. She had to help Minnie stand up, holding her waist to support her.
The world spun, and she was spinning with it. Miyeon tightened her grip just as the younger’s legs gave out momentarily.
“I’m fine.” Minnie held Miyeon’s arm to keep her balance, waiting for the bout of dizziness to pass.
The entire ride home, Minnie tucked her knees close to her chest and rested her head on Miyeon’s shoulder, unaware of the worried looks the other four were shooting her.
They let Minnie use the bathroom first when they got home. No one could deny Minnie of what she wanted anymore, not when she was so weak and vulnerable.
The first thing Minnie did when she locked the door was roll up her sleeve and reach into her drawer to take out her penknife. It was part of her daily routine now, something she did without thinking.
She made a cut, exhaling at the sting of it.
She did it a few more times. A drop of blood trickled down the side of her arm.
Unintentionally, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, curled up on the cold bathroom floor, penknife in hand. She looked pathetic. Pitiful.
Ugly.
The first of many tears rolled down her cheek without prior warning.
The voices in her head grew louder. They never really left or disappeared, they just weren’t at the forefront of her mind when she was doing something else.
But now, she had nothing to distract herself with.
They told her how ugly and useless she was, how everyone hated her. How she didn’t deserve her members, how Miyeon didn’t really love her and just pitied her.
The voices were telling her to die.
Dimly she wondered, where did everything start to go wrong?
How could the happy-go-lucky Minnie turn into…this?
Maybe she really should die.
It would be so easy to kill herself right there and then.
She had her penknife. Or she could just drown herself in her bathtub.
The thought of not living anymore was dangerously appealing.
She’d had enough.
She succumbed.
Her body moved on autopilot. She put the plug into the drain of the bathtub and began running the water.
She didn’t bother removing her clothes, she didn’t want anyone to see the scars when they eventually found her floating dead in the tub.
When the bathtub was half full, she stepped inside and leaned against the side. The water was icy cold against her skin - she’d forgotten to turn on the heater.
She sighed deeply. She wished she could have said goodbye to her family first. Both families. The one just outside the toilet door and the one thousands of miles away.
But she knew if she didn’t do it now, she would end up not doing it. Truthfully, the thought of not being on the earth anymore, scared her. What would happen to her Miyeon? How much would it traumatise Shuhua? What would her parents say?
But suffering wasn’t an option anymore. There was only so much one could take, and Minnie had surpassed her limits.
“Minnie? You’ve been in there for a while, are you alright?”
Minnie could recognise Soyeon’s voice. She kept silent, realising this was the last time she would hear it.
A few minutes passed, and someone knocked again. “Minnie, are you okay?” Shuhua.
Someone was knocking frantically on the door. Probably Yuqi.
Minnie had to bite down on her fist to prevent herself from making any sound. A near silent whimper escaped. Salty tears fell freely from her eyes.
The bathtub was full already, water spilling over the edges onto the marbled floor.
“Minnie, we’re coming in.” The doorknob jiggled.
Minnie choked back her tears. Miyeon was behind the locked door, just a couple of metres away.
The amount of crying and bleeding she’d done in the past hour paired with the freezing water making her teeth chatter was clearly taking a toll on her already weakened body. The sobs that wracked her body made it difficult to breathe, and her body fought to stay conscious, even though her brain was telling it to give up the fight.
The lock clicked. The door burst open. Minnie’s eyes slid closed, her body finally succumbing.
The four stood frozen in the doorway.
Shocked.
Confused.
Terrified.
Miyeon was the one to snap out of it first.
She rushed over, nearly slipping on the wet floor but quickly recovering. She turned off the tap and pulled the plug, allowing the water to drain.
Minnie’s eyelids fluttered. Miyeon’s knees buckled in relief.
Minnie was carried out of the bathtub, head guided to rest on someone’s lap. It took a lot of effort to open her eyes, but when she finally did, she was met with Miyeon’s face. She’d always thought Miyeon was so, so pretty. Like a princess.
Her princess held a towel in her hands, drying Minnie’s hair, dabbing the water out of her eyes, pulling off her soaked shirt.
Minnie heard the stifled gasps when Miyeon peeled off her sweater.
Her secret was out. They were all staring at her right arm.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Yuqi pick up her penknife with a grim, unreadable look.
Tears still creating a glittering path down her cheeks, her bony fingers closed weakly around Miyeon’s wrist.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was hoarse due to lack of use. It hurt to speak, but they needed to hear her apology. They needed to understand.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She repeated it over and over again, whether out loud or in her head, she didn’t know.
The last of her consciousness slipped away as she passed out, the exhaustion finally creeping in on her.
-
Shuhua was sitting on a chair next to the bed she was in when she woke up.
The younger was staring at her face, so she immediately noticed when Minnie awoke. Her expression was blank.
“You’re awake.” She said it, tone incredibly flat. She walked out of the room leaving Minnie alone with her thoughts.
Shuhua hated her. She could tell. Shuhua detested her now.
Miyeon poked her head into the room.
Minnie met eyes with her. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave.” The girl’s voice trembled. She couldn’t bear it if the love of her life hated her too.
A tear fell from Miyeon’s watering eyes.
She pressed a kiss to Minnie’s temple, and another one to her cheek, an unspoken promise to stay.
“You should have told me.” The smaller girl whispered, pressing their foreheads together, closing her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Minnie sputtered, over and over again, because she was. She was so, so sorry that her members had to see her like that. Had to take care or her and worry about her even though she was the second-oldest and it should have been the other way around.
Miyeon pulled the blanket up to Minnie’s chest. “Don’t be sorry. You don’t have to be. Not to me, or any of us here. The only one you have to apologise to is yourself.” Her expressive eyes glittered with regret. “I should have noticed, I just thought you were feeling sick. I didn’t know…” She caressed the taller’s cheek.
Minnie leaned into the warm touch, exhaling softly. “I wouldn’t have held on for so long if not for you. All of you. Thank you. For saving me.”
Miyeon’s gaze softened and she kept quiet.
After a few moments, Miyeon sat up. “Shall I call the other girls to come in?”
Minnie pouted. “Shuhua hates me now.”
“Shuhua could never hate you. She’s just overwhelmed. Give her some time.”
Minnie nodded. Miyeon left momentarily to get the rest.
Yuqi bounded in, a big ball of energy. When she saw Minnie, she beamed and took the spot right next to her, tucking herself comfortably into Minnie’s embrace. Their small leader followed, planting herself next to Yuqi and intertwining hands with Minnie. Miyeon entered and spooned Minnie from behind. Shuhua came in last, curling up by their feet like a cat and grabbing Minnie’s ankle.
All of them held some part of her, like they were afraid of her disappearing if they didn’t.
Minnie realised it a moment too late. They all loved her, she was just too busy hating herself to see it. Had she opened her eyes, she would have seen how much they cared for her. She was the one at fault, for not realising until it was too late.
Yuqi hushed her sleepily, lips pouting adorably. “You’re thinking too loudly. Go to sleep.”
Minnie smiled and obeyed, the steady breaths of the people she loved most lulling her to sleep.
-
A week passed. After a noisy internal debate, Minnie gathered the courage to chuck her penknife into the rubbish bin, a decision that earned her a suffocating hug from Shuhua and a small peck from Miyeon.
She was trying. They could tell. She showered with the door unlocked, spent her free time either in Miyeon’s room or the living room, and made a conscious effort to eat three meals a day.
It was difficult, of course. She cried often. The new routine she had to adjust to was so foreign, and crying was the only thing that remained familiar to her.
She didn’t have to cry alone, though. Miyeon was always next to her, pressing butterfly kisses to her crown and holding her until the tears stopped.
-
Minnie was hugging her knees close to her chest, leaning against the headboard of her bed, clearly lost in thought.
Someone knocked on her door. “Minnie?”
“Come in.”
Yuqi and Soyeon peered into the room. Miyeon and Shuhua were trying to shove them aside to look in too. Minnie patted her bed, gesturing for them to come in and sit down.
“I think…I should explain.”
They all understood immediately.
“You don’t have to, you don’t owe us anything.”
Minnie shook her head gently. “You deserve to know. I want to tell you.” She rocked her body back and forth gently.
“I’m just going to be blunt about it. I was trying to kill myself that night. And it might have worked if you didn’t come in, I don’t know. But it was a stupid decision that I didn’t think through properly, and it was inconsiderate and foolish. I thought it would be better if I left all my problems behind, and not living anymore seemed like an easy escape.”
“I’m telling you this because we promised to not hide anything from each other. I don’t want to hide my scars from you.”
Minnie rolled up her sleeve, revealing the marks that bore physical, permanent proof of her suffering. Some of them scarred and some of them only left faint lines, but Minnie thought it was an ugly sight.
“Thank you for telling us.” Soyeon hugged Minnie.
-
Minnie was sitting on Miyeon’s bed. Her sleeve was rolled up and she was staring at her scars.
Miyeon knocked before entering.
“You don’t have to knock, you know. It’s your own room.” Minnie reminded gently, pulling the Korean to sit next to her.
“It’s fine, it’s not like it inconveniences me or anything, I want you to feel safe.” Miyeon’s gaze dropped to her scars before she quickly averted it out of respect for the younger.
“It’s fine, you can look.” Minnie found the older girl adorable, the way she gently picked up the taller’s arm to examine it.
“I hate them.” Minnie pouted, referring to the scars on her arm. Miyeon looked at her in genuine bewilderment as the younger continued. “I wish they would disappear.”
“I think they’re beautiful.” Miyeon voiced out softly. Minnie tilted her head. “They’re cool.” Miyeon beamed, pressing her lips against each mark with a gentle tenderness.
“Do you really think so?” Minnie’s eyes shone with adoration for the other girl. The latter nodded.
“Then I love them too.”
The hole in her soul began to mend.