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It was supposed to be a regular day for his hell class. Supposed to, being the key word, but as Uraraka floated Todoroki in her sleep and immediately dropped him three feet when Todoroki started screaming, and by extension, she started screaming. Shouta took one look at the vodka on his desk by his cameras, took a swig, and got to work.
He was absolutely certain this wouldn't work, because none of them feared god, and certainly no longer feared him. He really needed to retire once these hellions graduated.
1. Midoriya, stop saying the time is "break your bones o'clock." You've had control of your quirk two years now. Please. You're giving underclassmen ideas. You've given Eri ideas.
2. Midoriya, please stop going on rants about how it's obvious Principal Nezu is a stoat. It's going to his head.
2a. No, no, please continue! - Nezu
3. Ashido, I said no in first year, and I am saying no in third year. We absolutely will not have 'break-bones dancing'. Stop asking. What does it mean? Do you dance until you break your bones? Do you break your bones and flail them as if dancing?
3a. I take that back, I do not want to know.
4. Stop starting fires around Todoroki and Midoriya, they get this look in their eyes and quite frankly, it's making me and the other staff nervous.
5. These people are banned from caffeine, no exceptions:
-Midoriya
-Iida
-Kaminari
-Asui
-Uraraka
-Toga
6. Kaminari, you are banned from ever saying "innit" again. I do not care that your dad is British.
7. On that note, Iida is not allowed to say any form of slang. Ever.
8. Sero, you are under no circumstances allowed to call your quirk 'flex tape' and by extension stop saying your new hero name is 'Phil Swift from Flex Tape'.
9. Koda, stop inviting bears to the dorms, no matter how much Toga begs you to. We cannot fit a bear in the dorms, and the bear will attack your classmates.
9a. See?
10. Stop saying Midoriya's quirk is 'rabies'. He's a menace, but he's not that feral.
10a. Nevermind.
11. G notes are forbidden under all circumstances. Five different students cried when they heard it.
12. Kaminari, I should be discouraging your promiscuity, but listen, I am too sober to care. Just don't get pregnant and don't get an STD. Other than that, not my problem.
12a. Even if I have your consent to call it 'slut life', I refuse to call my student that.
13. Stop asking to see my emo phase. Bold of you to assume I ever existed before adulthood.
14. Stop asking Shinsou to go 'full emo'. He's this close to throwing himself out a window.
15. Sato, you've been stress baking a lot lately. Hound Dog's office is always open.
16. Hagakure, stop telling Todoroki to tell Endeavor to get a job at McDonald's so he can live out his dream of being a clown. Endeavor doesn't need to dream, he's already there.
17. Kaminari, if I hear you call sex 'coochie blasting' one more time, I will throw you and myself out the window.
17a. Actually, any slang term for a vagina and 'blasting' are off limits.
17b. Kaminari, I'm begging you, what the fuck does that one even mean?
18. Todoroki, on the same note, we all know what 'study sessions' with Iida mean. Just, please stop traumatizing your classmates. Same hat.
18a. Or Midoriya
18b. Or Kaminari
18c. Yes, I used a meme that was around when I was a student, deal with it.
19. No, Todoroki, you also cannot invite Yoarashi over to 'study'. He goes to Shiketsu.
20. Kirishima, if you ever say "I'm hard" while using your quirk, I will throw you out the window with Kaminari. You're doing this on purpose at this point, you're a third year. Be mature.
21. Iida, your brother wants to know why you didn't tell him you 'got some ass'.
22. Toga, stop referring to peoples' blood types as different flavors. Please.
23. Jirou, as sweet as writing songs for Yaoyorozu is, there is an appropriate time to do so. 2AM is not that time.
24. I get that Jirou, Kaminari, Bakugo, Tokoyami, Setsuna from 3-B, and Yaoyorozu are in a band, but band practice at 3AM is not appropriate. Stop.
25. Bakugo, stop taking out your hearing aids when someone starts talking.
25a. ESPECIALLY if that person is Midoriya.
26. Sword fights in the dorms are not allowed.
26a. Sword fights on the roof of the dorms are not allowed.
26b. Sword fights outside of the dorms are not allowed
26d. Sword fights in class are not allowed.
26e. Sword fights on UA grounds are not allowed.
26f. Sword fights just outside the UA gates are not allowed.
26g. Setting up sword fights in the park is not allowed.
26h. Setting up sword fights at your parents' houses is not allowed.
26i. This is embarrassing. I cannot believe I have to say this, but sword fights in general are not allowed. Where are you getting this many swords?
27. Tokoyami, stop giving your classmates swords. Why do you have so many???
27a. Yaoyorozu, stop making swords for these swords fights. I trusted you.
28. Tokoyami, stop eating Aoyama's glitter. I know it's shiny, but I'm almost 100% certain eating that much glitter cannot possibly be good for you.
29. Dark Shadow, stop trying to blackmail Aoyama into giving you glitter.
30. Dark Shadow, stop calling Aoyama the 'glitter twink'. It isn't the compliment you think it is.
31. Yaoyorozu, stop making glitter to give to Aoyama and Tokoyami.
32. Iida, never, ever swear within my earshot ever again.
33. Midoriya, we know All For One is your dad. Stop going to Tartarus to brag about how you could beat him in a fistfight. Don't say that unless you can back it up.
33a. What do you mean you absolutely can?
33b. What do you mean you could do it quirkless?
33c. Midoriya please, what the fuck?
33d. Midoriya I'm begging you what the fuck does that mean?
34. Todoroki, I know you hate your father, but it's been three years. How has your sperm donor not noticed his card missing? You're committing credit card fraud.
35. Todoroki, stop inviting your vigilante brother, who is notorious for vandalizing Endeavor's house, to the dorms.
36. Toga, stop pretending to be your brother. Haven't you been punched enough by people thinking you're Monoma?
36a. What do you mean, you think it's funny?
37. Shoji, stop turning all of your extremities into mouths to become 'the ultimate mouthbreather'.
38. Aoyama, your laser is not a rave tool. Stop.
39. Ojiro, stop hanging from the ceiling. You're giving your classmates ideas and I don't like it.
40. Whoever told Iida about twerking, your days are fucking numbered.
41. Kirishima, stop hardening your fist to be an impromptu meat tenderizer. It's innovative, yes, but messy, and Asui still hasn't recovered from when you punched her in the chest because she scared you.
42. Kaminari, while I know you are dating my son Shinsou (and Sero? Maybe?) and your arrangement is worked out, but I'm about 90% certain that absolutely does not mean you can try and seduce your classmates' parents.
42a. Fuck it, you guys already know by now that Shinsou is my son.
43. Todoroki, please stop asking if Shinsou is my biological son. I'm 35. Shinsou is 17. Even if he was, why would I tell you?
44. No more kazoo fights with Snipe.
44a. What do you mean you lost? There's 21 of you, how could you possibly lose?
44b. Nevermind, it's Snipe.
45. Just because I said sex is permitted, for the love of god keep it to your dorm rooms. The common room is not appropriate. Not even close, guys. You know who you are.
46. On the same note, if you have a uterus and are sexually active, Recovery Girl will gladly provide birth control.
46a. If you have a penis, condoms exist. Use them. Recovery Girl also provides them.
46b. I can and will give you another sex education class. Don't test me.
47. If there is another power outage, acid stains, accidental floatation of objects, or the dorm being on fire, or any other quirk related accident during sex, I am giving you detention for the rest of the year.
48. Hizashi. The light in my eyes, love of my life, stop encouraging these fucking menaces.
49. Sero, stop taping yourself to the ceiling. You are not a cocoon.
50. Uraraka, stop turning off your classmates' gravity because they disagreed with you.
51. Sero, just because you say you can't speak Japanese, in Spanish, does not protect you from the consequences of your actions.
52. On that note, Sero's abuela is coming over and if your behavior is less than perfect, it's two months extra Hell Training.
52a. She called me niño, goodbye. I am going to my husband's.
53. An old acquaintance of Shinsou's is visiting, be nice, and don't ask about her quirk. She hates talking about it. Anybody asking will be expelled.
53a. Also, don't ask about her skin condition. I believe you guys are at least aware enough but I'm not taking my chances.
54. Shoji, stop trying to see if you can fly by flapping your skin webbing really fucking hard. Just ask me to throw you out the window. :)
55. Whoever gave Kaminari the whistle, I will find you and expel you.
56. Ojiro, stop doing Maui Thai on the roof. You fell off and ended up kicking Hagakure, your girlfriend, off the roof. How didn't you learn your lesson?
57. Look, the responsible thing to do when Monoma slut shames Kaminari is to tell an adult, but hey, my back was turned. I know nothing.
57a. Guys, Kaminari is crying.
58. I found the tunnel between the 3-A and 3-B dorms. So that's how Setsuna got in here. I have one question: why?
59. Hakagure, stop calling yourself the 'nudist hero'. We fixed your costume last year. Whoever thought letting a 15 year old run around naked was a good idea, I just want to talk. :)
60. Yes, Kaminari licks the static off the television, please don't make fun of him, he says it's soothing and helps him recharge. Not sure if it's quirk related or disability related, but I didn't raise quirkist assholes, much less ableist ones.
60a. That was so wholesome, what the fuck.
61. On a related note, it is common knowledge that Todoroki's conspiracy theories are a special interest. Disagree all you want, and debate all you want, but please don't berate his special interest, no matter how 'weird' it is to you.
61a. Todoroki actually cried what the fuck.
62. Koda, stop sending armies of stoats to Nezu. I'm terrified they're going to take over the world.
63. So my friend Oboro is semi-human again. He will be coming by the dorms next week, be nice.
64. Bakugo, never smile like that again. Ever. I think Oboro is going to have nightmares for the rest of his life.
65. Uraraka, stop trying to blackmail Todoroki into giving you Endeavor's card. Just ask. He does not care.
66. Tokoyami, Dark Shadow, stop trying to summon a demon. You're supposed to be heroes.
66a. What do you mean "Hawks said it was fine"?
67. Asui, stop flooding the bathroom, and yelling "What are you doing in my swamp" if somebody walks in. It was funny exactly once.
68. Kirishima, your moms are coming over. Do you want me to tell them how you keep yelling about how hard you are? Because I will.
69. Why is Endeavor fistfighting Phoenix in a Tim Horton's parking lot? What is the point? What happened this time? Were you involved somehow Todoroki?
69a. Ha ha, 69 funny number. Laugh and you get detention.
70. Jirou, stop dabbing during your soundwave attacks.
71. Iida, stop acting scandalized when Toga wants to stab Endeavor. We all want to stab him, and I know what you did in first year.
72. Kaminari, please refrain from using your quirk on lowerclassmen because they insulted you. It's setting a bad example.
72a. They were using ableist slurs? And they decided to fatshame you for adapting to your quirk's harsh requirements? Carry on. I wasn't there, so it didn't happen.
73. No, you cannot fight underclassmen to the death to defend your classmates' honor, that's called 'murder' and it's illegal.
74. When you say you want to stone somebody, do you mean rocks or marijuana, because there's a huge difference there.
75. On Friday nights, I will be busy in the teachers' dorms from 2100 until 2300. Do not bother me, and if you ignore this, I am not responsible for the mental trauma you will see.
75a. I am so sorry Jirou. I thought it was quiet enough. You have free period for the next two days.
76. Iida and Bakugo are the only ones allowed to fold laundry. Iida finds the routine soothing, and Bakugo is quiet for once. Don't ruin it.
77. On the opposite side, Kaminari is not allowed anywhere near laundry. Kid produces so much static electricity he will probably end up turning a shirt into a electric fence made of cotton.
77a. Kaminari is also not allowed to do dishes. Who thought letting the kid with an electricity quirk do the dishes was a good idea? Seriously who said 'ah yes, the kid with an electric quirk should obviously be around water for a prolonged period of time'?
78. Tokoyami, did you really ask Shiozaki if she wanted to summon a demon? She is Catholic. Getting super soakered with holy water is on you, kid.
78a. No, that does mean you should ask if she wants to summon a biblically accurate angel.
78b. What do you mean she said yes?
79. Stop asking Kinoko to make psilocybin mushrooms. I'm not sure it's even possible.
79a. Okay, just because it's possible doesn't mean you can keep asking. That's illegal.
80. Yaoyorozu, why did you build a cage?
80a. It's a makeshift horny jail? Carry on, and please throw my husband in there.
81. Asui, I know you're being a useless lesbian by calling the girl with a spider quirk in 2-A a 'snack' but I'm pretty sure she thinks you want to eat her and she's terrified.
82. Please do not let out Kaminari during a thunderstorm.
82a. I have been informed he gets overwhelmed because he can't let out the excess electricity in his body. Just don't let him get struck by lighting. He'll survive, but it's counterproductive. He's out there to let out electricity, not absorb more.
83. Ashido, thank you for punching Monoma for making fun of Kaminari's 'whey' mode. We've been over this. It's quirkist and ableist as fuck.
84. On the same note, Sato's sugar crash is also off limits. Anybody who punches an ableist without getting caught gets extra credit for the rest of the year.
85. Toga, your quirk is not a knife, and stop telling the underclassmen it is.
85a. Toga, where did you get so many knives? Why?
86. So apparently Uraraka sleep walks. Do not wake her up, because once she wakes up, everything she's touched so far will crash to the ground.
87. Truth or Dare, Seven Minutes in Heaven, and Strip Poker are not allowed. You're all hormonal teenagers with extremely powerful quirks.
88. Hagakure, why did you even introduce your classmates to strip poker?
89. Kirishima, never, and I mean ever, say "Quirk-related boner" ever again.
90. Kaminari, stop saying Monoma is making fun of you because he's 'salty' that you won't sleep with him. Even if it's true, stop.
90a. Never, under any circumstance, say "Denkilicious" again. I work with your mother. I will tell her.
90b. No, that does not mean any of you other heathens can say it.
90c. What do you mean your mom doesn't care?
91. Whoever invited Ms. Joke on the date me and my husband went on: no.
92. Dark Shadow, stop hiding in the vents. You've made three contractors quit, and it's only Friday.
93. Eri is starting primary school. There isn't a rule here, I just wanted to let you guys know.
94. To celebrate, there will now be a cat in the dorms. Be nice to her.
94a. Dad, papa said no more cats - Hitoshi
94b. That's why I said the dorms, Toshi. What he doesn't know won't kill him.
95. Shinsou, why did you think dyeing my hair pink would be funny? I will give you Hell Training.
95a. Bet. I'll tell papa about the cat - Hitoshi
95. Grounded.
96. Hatsume, how do you keep getting in here? Why do you only come at 4 in the morning?
97. Nezu, please stop stealing Midoriya, Todoroki, and Momo.
97a. No :D - Nezu
98. Who the FUCK showed Koda 'Animal Farm'?
99. Eri and Toga went to Build-A-Bear together. I have included a picture.
99a. And Toga's crying.
100. Sero, stop taping knives to Iida while he sleeps.
101. Aoyama, stop throwing cheese at people because it 'isn't expensive enough'.
102. Yaoyorozu, you haven't done anything wrong this week. I'd say good job but I'm suspicious.
103. Hagakure, stop trying to start a 'nudist club'. No one will join because half the class is too insecure.
103a. Ojiro, what do you mean you'll go nude to 'support your girlfriend's dreams'? Stop.
104. Ashido, stop encouraging Hagakure and Ojiro.
104a. Kirishima put your fucking pants back on.
105. Bakugo, stop trying to goad your classmates into breaking their bones like Midoriya. Recovery Girl is foaming at the mouth as is.
106. Sato, why would you want a suit made of cake? I get your quirk uses sugar but what's the appeal here? What's the thought process?
107. So Midoriya and All For One broke into a fistfight and the green menace put him in a chokehold. Be glad he wants to be a hero.
107a. Todoroki, Kaminari, what do you mean "God I wish that were me?"
108. Sero, as much as I enjoy transphobes getting their asses kicked, plausible deniability is a thing, and doing it right in front of me not on approved training grounds is the exact opposite of that. Officially, I have to give you detention. Unofficially, good job kid.
109. Don't accept any brownies from Sero. Just don't.
110. Also, stop leaving your bongs out. I get it, half of you are stoners. Kaminari. Looking at you.
111. So Hizashi showed you guys the bong we smoked in secondary school. Remind me to file for divorce.
112. Shinsou, this is what I meant by loud blondes will ruin your life.
113. Oboro, stop encouraging Hizashi.
114. Jirou, please stop calling Nezu 'God'. I fear he may try and ascend to godhood and take over the world. You're supposed to be one of the more reasonable students.
115. So Koda made friends with the spider girl in 2-A. Good for you, kiddo. Make those friends.
116. Setsuna I cannot believe I have to make rules for students that aren't even mine, but stop leaving your ass in the 3-A dorms.
116a. No, that doesn't mean you can start twerking with said disembodied ass.
117. Stop saying "For science!" around Power Loader or Cementoss. They're going to have a stroke.
117a. ESPECIALLY stop saying it around Nezu. He's getting ideas and I don't like it.
118. Midoriya, stop biting people who annoy you. You're not Bakugo.
119. Stop making out in class. Please.
120. Tokoyami, you cannot do favors in exchange for souls.
120a. Stop giving him I.O.Us, you're encouraging him.
121. Sato, stop telling your classmates to call you their Sugar Daddy.
122. Aoyama, stop threatening to shit on people's belongings because they made you upset. I sincerely hope you don't have that bad IBS.
123. Why are you calling up Midoriya Inko to settle arguments?
124. Bakugo, I know you're the one who taught Eri to say fuck. Hell Training.
124a. She flipped off Vlad. Nevermind, extra credit.
125. Uraraka, stop trying to float yourself into space because you said something embarrassing and made a situation awkward. I don't think your quirk allows you to breathe in space. You will die.
125a. What do you mean 'that's the point'?
125b. Kid. Hound Dog's office is always open.
126. No, Snipe's quirk is not a gun. Stop.
127. Also, stop saying "It's high noon" whenever he walks in. It was funny once.
128. Hagakure, stop asking Midnight about sponsoring your nudity club.
129. Uraraka, stop asking people to donate to the poor while gesturing to yourself.
130. What is that in the kitchen and why is it setting off Geiger counters?
131. Bakugo, stop telling Kirishima that his quirk doesn't just work on him.
132. Actually, anybody mentioning sex in front of me will be given two months detention.
133. Kaminari, stop pulling out the old timey British accent during English class.
133a. Just because Present Mic thinks it's funny and gave you the okay doesn't mean you can.
133b. Actually, that just means you shouldn't even more so.
133c. Zashi, please stop encouraging him.
134. Whoever told All Might what a thot is, I hope you pay for your sins.
135. Yaoyorozu, why did you decide to keep the thing in the kitchen as a pet?
135a. What do you mean it's alive?
136. Shoji, why did you decide to hug Kaminari then turn your hands into tongues? Boy looks like he's hit his 13th reason.
137. Shinsou, why did you convince your papa to make a karaoke period? Do you know what you've done?
138. Never interrupt Todoroki indulging in his special interest. Poor Shoji got frozen solid in a glacier and Todoroki snowed himself in his room.
139. Stop asking Todoroki to make it snow.
139a. Stop asking Todoroki to snow you in so you can get out of going to class.
140. Iida, stop yelling "Ludicrous speed!" when activating your quirk.
141. Midoriya, stop telling people your quirk is jet powered tears. The underclassmen actually believe you.
142. Stop recording Midoriya's sleep ramblings. I don't think I will ever sleep again.
142a. Oh, please send them my way! I am quite curious as to what Midoriya says! - Nezu
143. Who let Aoyama and Todoroki do the shopping? Hope you guys like cold soba and expensive cheese.
144. Todoroki, why do you have a podcast that is just you and your brother talking about how much you hate Endeavor?
144a. Understandable, have a nice day.
145. I'm done. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. All of you.