Chapter Text
“So, I ended up living with them for a good three or four months if I remember correctly. And then I continued my journey for another year or so before coming back to Mondstadt. And...the rest is history.” He finishes.
He takes a deep breath as well as a long sip of his drink, allowing the other to process everything.
(And also to calm his own nerves.)
Meanwhile.
Kaeya is in too much sheer shock to think of anything to say at this point.
(Huh , that's the second time today).
All he can do is stare at his brother who is making a point of avoiding eye contact.
But seeing as the taller man looks like a goldfish at the moment, Diluc tries first to lessen the awkwardness.
(Spoiler warning, it doesn't work.)
“I guess, looking back on it now…I thought I deserved it. Putting myself through all that pain…Actually, I think I still believe that.”
Kaeya makes the horrible realization of where he's going with this.
No. There's no fucking way he’d arrive to a conclusion like that. That's-
“Seeing as it was the arm I used to attack you…the night I ruined our lives.”
There’s…no way.
Am I hearing this right?
He finally decides to speak up but all that comes out is a jumbled mess, “Diluc…no. You. How-...why, why would you do that to yourself-”
“Because it's the biggest regret of my life.” His voice is full of resolve, finally looking Kaeya in the eye.
“If Father and-” He starts choking up but forces himself to continue, “...And Vayura especially, could see all the sins I’ve committed, towards you of all people. All the horrible things I said and did to you…I injured your hands beyond repair, I ran away without telling everyone...”
Distantly Kaeya realizes he should probably stop his brother’s self-destructive confessional.
But for some reason he can’t.
“For the longest time I blamed you for what happened…But that couldn't have been further from the truth. It was me, I…” as he looks down at his hands, the redhead sees tears falling onto his palms.
Tears that he shouldn't be allowed to cry but can’t seem to stop.
“I tore our family apart with my own hands.” His voice thick with tears and heavy with regret.
“Even when you made an effort to reconcile I still…oh Kae, they'd be so ashamed of me.”
Any remnants of the barricade of dignity or strength Diluc had built up to this point, come crashing down. Destroyed by a wrecking ball of guilt and regret.
The dam has been broken and all he can do is sob his heart out. His whole body shakes violently as he hugs himself. As if in a last pathetic attempt to keep all the broken pieces together.
He keeps his head bowed, vermillion waves cascading over his shoulders and hiding his twisted expression.
He doesn't have the right to look his brother in the eye. Not that he would be able to actually see him anyway. His vision is too blurry.
He moves his hands to cover his face.
He can already feel a headache coming along too. Or maybe the pain in his forehead is coming from his nails…
He wonders why he even agreed to come here or why Kaeya even invited him in the first place.
He’s practically whining in pain at this point and his voice is going hoarse.
I need to stop this. He’s going to end up hurting himself.
Because in all honesty, Kaeya feels a little frightened at this whole thing. He’s never been in a situation like this, so he has to tread carefully.
Diluc jerks harshly when a hand lands on his shoulder. It pulls back for a moment before coming back more firm and resolute.
“Diluc,” it sounds more like a question, almost like Kaeya’s afraid that saying the wrong thing will cause him to break completely, “Please look at me.”
Another choked sob. He’s hyperventilating at this point.
The younger sighs and grabs Diluc's hands, carefully prying them away, “Come on sweetheart you need to breathe,” he gently explains as if speaking to a child, “Here just copy me okay?”.
He sees the man nod slightly (at least he thinks he does).
He grabs Diluc’s wrist to place his palm on the knight’s chest so he can physically feel what Kaeya is asking of him, hoping that will help.
“In,” he slowly takes a deep breath, “Out.”
Diluc tries to imitate him but struggles to do so. But the Captain is nothing if not patient.
“In…out.”
He manages a shaky inhale.
“There you go. In…out”
He exhales, it sounds painful.
“You're doing great, Luc. Just a couple more times okay?”
He concentrates on the feeling of Kaeya’s chest moving to ground himself. With the occasional words of reassurance from the knight.
They repeat this cycle a couple more times before Diluc’s breathing is somewhat back to normal.
He’s still crying with the occasional harsh sob, but he doesn't feel like he’s dying anymore. Just a little lightheaded.
“You should drink. That took a lot out of you and you need to stay hydrated.” Kaeya suggests, rubbing his back but then backing away to give him space.
Diluc does just that and drinks from his bottle of lemonade while trying to understand just what is going on.
He tries to understand why Kaeya is doing this. All of it.
But he can't seem to find a reason.
He doesn't understand.
He never did if he's truly being honest. These gentle but grounding touches and words of reassurance, are not what Diluc ever expected to be on the receiving end of.
Ever. Not from Kaeya.
When the runaway had first seen the new Cavalry Captain after coming back to Mondstadt, he had prepared himself for the worst possible reaction.
He’d been ready for insults to be thrown at him, a punch to the face or a slap if he was lucky. Yelling, lashing out, cussing, anything.
He’d been ready for Kaeya to get back at him for all the suffering he’d caused the younger.
So you can imagine how taken aback he was when the blue haired man simply greeted him in a very polite (and quite professional) manner. Even going as far as to offer a welcoming smile.
It had completely taken him off guard.
Maybe that's why.
The reason why Diluc decided, in that moment, that he would do everything he could to distance himself from his former brother.
(Not to mention that Diluc would rather stab himself than ever allow Kaeya to get involved with the Fatui and any of his other shenanigans. Even if he was a knight and perfectly capable of taking care of himself.)
Kaeya doesn't need him. He never truly did–actually that's a lie.
As kids they’d been joint at the hip. And during the first few years of living with them Kaeya would always hide behind him when in a new environment or with new people.
He would also always try to obtain things in the most secretive ways. Not because he was a bad kid but or anything, but because whatever life him and his father had fled from: it had forced the child to constantly be in survival mode.
But even despite his predisposition, Kaeya was always such a kind soul and so selfless to boot.
So even if that smile had been forced or even if Jean had told him to just push through it and remain civil. Diluc couldn't help but appreciate the effort (and sheer self control probably) that Kaeya displayed just to greet him and not make the runaway tycoon feel utterly unwelcome and unwanted in the city.
(Even though a monster like himself most definitely deserved such treatment.)
Turns out they’ve both been putting in so much effort…but for different reasons.
Except Diluc's were (in his opinion) much less admirable .
He feels so much shittier all of a sudden, causing another wave of tears.
But he turns to look at Kaeya anyway. Because he has to know. He wants to understand why…
“W-Why do you even want to be near me? It’s not like you owe me anything. There's no reason for you to pity me either…so why?”
Kaeya almost can't believe what he's hearing right now.
Those words…they're dripping with self hatred and disgust, and they sound so wrong coming out of his brother's mouth.
(It eerily reminds him of a time when he used to think similar thoughts and it makes his stomach churn.)
Kaeya hates it.
Because yes, Diluc had etched those unbearable burns and carved those painful memories into the delicate canvas of Kaeya’s skin and his mind.
And Celestia had made him pay dearly for it.
But a punishment like this one was way too unfair in the Khaenri’ahn’s eyes.
He thinks then,
This is my fault…I’m the reason Diluc left in the first place.
If I hadn't pushed him to his limit…dug the nail into the coffin… He would’ve never been subjected to such a horrible fate…
In the midst of his spiraling the man doesn't hear his name being called.
“...aya? Kaeya!”
He finally snaps out of it as he feels a warm hand touch his forearm.
He blinks at Diluc who stares back at him, visibly worried.
“I…sorry. I mean. I’m sorry,” he covers the left side of his faces with his hand, “God Diluc I’m so sorry this- this is all my fault.”
Diluc swears he misheard.
Excuse me?
“What?! Keaya what are you talking about?! that-,” it clicks for him when the younger uncovers his face and he sees the guilt weighing down Kaeya's features, mirroring his own.
His heart sinks.
“Oh Kaeya no, that's nonsense. None of this is your fault! Why would you-”
“But it is Luc!” he grips his own chest, “If I hadn't purposely chosen such horrible timing. If I had kept my damn mouth shut and just supported you like a good brother would. Then you-”
His eyes are burning. But no. He doesn't have the right to cry. But the quiver in his voice betrays him anyway.
“Then you wouldn't have felt like you needed to leave. I mean, shit you were alone for three whole years Luc. And you were only eighteen then. I-I probably can't even imagine some of the things you've seen.”
Oh if only you knew half the things I’ve done.
But Diluc decides against saying that .
“It’s my fault you were alone-”
Okay no, we're not doing any of that.
“Kaeya It’s my own fault I was alone! I felt angry and guilty and- and afraid. Afraid of…myself and what I had done…or rather what I could’ve done…” he admits.
“What do you mean?” Kaeya asks, confused.
Diluc sighs then lifts his hands to cup his little brother’s face. Although one is not of flesh and bone anymore; Kaeya can still feel the heat radiating from underneath the glove that covers it.
Diluc makes it a point to look him in the eye when he says, “What I mean is, I was so scared–no terrified actually–when I realized just how bad things could've gone that night,” he pauses, “That I could’ve lost you both to such senseless violence. And at my own hands nonetheless.
I- I don’t know, something just snapped in me and I had to get away…To be honest I don't remember much of that night. Too much adrenaline…and anger probably.” Diluc's gaze has shifted downwards by the end of his sentence.
“All I knew was that I was scared of my own power…and what it had done–and could've done, to you.”
Kaeya’s expression saddens significantly at that, he feels the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes again.
“Oh Luc…” he grabs onto Diluc’s left arm subconsciously.
“I really did almost lose you that night. And it still haunts me.”
“But you didn't lose me!” he interrupts, “Well…there were a few years where you were gone, sure…But I’m right here aren't I, alive and breathing?”
“And I thank Celestia every damn day that that is the case.”
Kaeya’s eyebrows furrow slightly at that, “Oh…jeez Luc you're really pulling at my heartstrings here, you know that?”
The redhead’s eyebrows pinch together, “But it’s true Kae. Losing you, my little brother, my only family left…I don't think I’d be able to handle that.”
The younger chuckles lightly, endeared, “I’m twenty two ya know. I’m not a baby- or little anymore for that matter.” He retorts with an amused smile.
But Diluc is being completely serious about this (it's kind of funny really).
“Twelve, twenty two, sixty two it doesn't matter to me. In my eyes, you’ll always be my baby brother,” he sniffles, chuckling briefly before he continues “You're so precious to me Kae, more than anything…I love you. Okay? And I mean that. I love you dearly baby brother. And I’m so proud of you. And I’m so sorry for ever making you believe any different. I’m sorry, for all of it.”
His voice stays low near the end but audible enough that Kaeya can hear it. How his voice is overflowing with endearment and care and a desire to protect .
And it's all too much at once. Too much for him to process. Too overwhelming for his body to contain as it betrays him with slight tremors and tears soaking his eyepatch.
Diluc leans in till their foreheads meet, his hands still holding the others face. Kaeya leans into the touch as well.
“I promise you, I’m going to work harder at mending our bond. I swear on the Seven I’ll protect you from now on Kaeya.”
Kaeya wants to say something, anything. But the words just get choked back every time. He’s feeling a lot right now. Things he can't put a name to. So many memories and emotions slamming into the front of his mind, overwhelming him.
He grabs at Diluc's clothes, pulling him into a desperate hug. Mainly to try and ground himself, but he knows they both need it.
On one end he’s obviously relieved- no ecstatic that Diluc is saying all these beautiful things to him. Things that Kaeya had only ever fantasized of hearing for years (actually this whole conversation has felt like a dream).
But on the other (longer) end, there's immense confusion, frustration, pain, regret and…anger. Frustrated at his own younger self’s stupidity, or his present self’s stubbornness and pride.
He’s upset at himself for even having the audacity to still be mad at Diluc.
Diluc leans back (Kaeya has to fight the urge to latch onto him again), separating them but using his prosthetic arm to grab the other’s shoulder.
I don't have the right–
“You know, you're allowed to be mad at me right? Your anger is completely justified Kaeya.”
The man’s eye snaps open and he stares wide eyed at his brother.
What?
“What…no! I’m- I’m not mad at you…or at least I don't want to be mad. I don't want to hate you.”
Diluc can’t help but smile fondly at that, “I know you don't Kae…But I did hurt you...we both did wrong by each other and we shouldn't just dismiss that. But we can can make still make things right…Heh you know I thought I was supposed to be the clueless one.”
That manages to get an exasperated chuckle out of him, “Yes well, it seems we’re both the clueless ones here.” He admits, looking down at his hands.
But he does consider Diluc’s words and acknowledges the truth they hold.
“I guess you're right though. I am still frustrated at this whole situation. Not just you. But…” he looks up expectantly at his big brother, eyes glinting with hope, “We’ll work through it, won't we?”
His almost pleading expression makes Diluc melt completely. A fond smile adorning his features. He straightens up a little to depose a light kiss on Kaeya’s forehead, almost whispering into his hair.
“Of course we will little one.”
Oh?
Now that…
It takes them both by surprise honestly.
Diluc backs away.
Kaeya tries to speak first “Um-”.
But Diluc cuts him off (his freckled cheeks have a slight pinkish tint to them), “I- I’m sorry, I don't know where that even came from. It’s not like-”
“You’ve never called me that before.” Kaeya states simply.
“Uh- well I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone that. But really, I’m sorry about that. I won't use it again if you don't want me to.” He sputters out.
At some point he had removed his hands from Kaeya’s person and is now gesticulating around. Obviously very flustered and surprised at his own boldness.
The blue haired man grabs his hands again bringing them to rest in his lap..
He chuckles “Luc it's fine really. I…appreciate it actually,” now it's his turn to feel embarrassed, “I mean as long as you don't call me that in front of other people…I really don't mind.” he admits sheepishly.
Because gods know Rosaria and Venti or even Amber would NEVER let him live that down. Hell they’d probably try to taunt him with it themselves.
And Kaeya could definitely do without that.
And besides…he doesn't want anyone else using it. Only Diluc is allowed to.
Because he’s Diluc.
The only person who makes Kaeya feel even remotely safe enough to be vulnerable like this.
Diluc his big brother, his safe place, his pillar, his anchor, his protector (just like he is Diluc’s).
He may be the taller one but Diluc makes him feel small. In a good way.
Just like how Crepus and Diluc made him and his father feel. Loved.
They were a family.
Diluc and Kaeya are family.
When they're together Kaeya feels at home.
Because Diluc is home.
“O-oh right of course. Yeah…sorry.”
“Luc please stop apologizing for everything.”
“You first.”
“Ugh. Why are you like this?”
“Cause I’m the big brother here and that's what big brothers do.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah really.”
Kaeya pouts and Diluc crosses his arms authoritatively. Both trying to win the “who can maintain eye contact the longest” game.
They last about five seconds before Kaeya wheezes and Diluc follows suit with a snort. And it's over.
Their fit of laughter goes on for a few minutes. They manage to stop a couple of times but then they make eye contact and it sets them off all over again. Eventually it gets to the point where both men are holding their aching stomachs and gasping for air. Kaeya is begging for mercy and Diluc’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
The older finds his voice first, “Oh gods we're so stupid.” he says smiling regardless.
“Hehe…I mean yeah. We are. No denying that.” the younger agrees, wiping tears away.
Kaeya manages to sit up so he’s sitting beside his brother properly (he’d fallen over leaning onto Diluc multiple times during their fit).
They both turn their heads to look at each other, still chuckling slightly.
“Come ‘ere.” Diluc offers, extending out welcoming arms.
Kaeya accepts the hug without any hesitation, he practically tackles him and wraps his arms tightly around Diluc’s waist.
He sighs contentedly, “Hmm, I really missed you big brother.”
“I missed you too sweetheart.” the older says, deposing another gentle kiss in Kaeya’s hair.
It makes Kaeya's chest feel even more warm.
They stay like that for a while. The Captain’s head rests comfortably on the other's chest.
“Ya know, you and Father were the best thing that ever happened to us.” Kaeya utters fondly.
Diluc smiles, “Same here. I couldn’t have asked for a better brother and best friend.”
“Aw stop, you flatter me.”
“Aaand I’m never saying anything nice to you ever again.”
“Nooooo.” Kaeya whines childishly.
“No no you’re done.”
“Oh come on…," he starts, then looks to the side, "How about you let me get a closer look at that arm huh?”
“...Really? Why?”
“What do you mean why? You have a kickass robotic arm now. I want all the details.”
“No you’ll break it. Plus…it’s just weird.” he says with a lot less certainty.
Kaeya notices and immediately picks up on what's going on. He changes positions to get a good look at the man’s face.
“Luc, don’t start. I haven't forgotten what you said earlier. Losing a limb doesn't make you any less human, dummy- No I don't wanna hear it. Because frankly I don’t care about what you did during your time away. You're not a monster. Not in my eyes at least. Even if everyone else believed that to be true, I’d still love you and stand by you. It’s us against the world. Morals be damned.”
Diluc frowns at him, “Kae, watch what you say. We both know you don't mean that.”
“Hmph whatever. You get my point.”
He sighs relenting, “Yeah I hear you.”
“Good! So then, let me see that arm.” Kaeya rubs his hands excitedly.
And frankly who is he to say no to such an earnest demand from his brother.
“Alright, fine. But after this, we’re going swimming.”
It’s only mid afternoon, they still have time.
Now more than ever.
“Deal.”
Yeah.
More than enough time.