Work Text:
Lando was pretty sure the jumper they were wearing belonged to Max, but that made it all the more comforting. It had been a long weekend, and Lando needed the comfort that came with curling into their boyfriend’s jumper. It would be better when they finally returned home, but until then, it was helping.
They were relieved when they finally arrived home, Jon walking them to the door. He never needed to do that, but Jon tended to anyway, Lando was pretty sure it was for Jon’s benefit, but they appreciated it, especially if they had a bad race, it helped him to have an extra moment to check on Lando.
“Thank you,” Lando said, smiling weakly at Jon, as they unlocked the door. The exhaustion was weighing heavy on their shoulders, they really couldn’t wait to lie down.
“Take care of yourself, yeah,” Jon said, squeezing Lando’s shoulder, before stepping away and walking back to the car.
The weight lifted as they closed the door behind them, dropping their bag at the door. Lando would sort it tomorrow, put the clothes in the wash, see what chores Max had left them, but right now they needed to sleep. It was a relief to be at home, they could finally be themself, no longer being what was expected of them, it was exhausting trying to keep up the facade.
“Hey Land,” Max said, as he appeared at the top of the stairs, and Lando instantly felt like crying.
It was mostly a sense of relief, the deep breath that came with being able to curl up with Max and sleep for the next twelve or so hours. “Hey,” Lando replied, instantly moving towards to Max, closing the gap between them.
They were quick to close the distance between each other, neither saying anything as they settled into the embrace. Both in need of the comfort, it had been a long weekend for both of them.
Lando had wanted to bring Max to race with them every weekend, but they weren’t quite ready for the questions about that, and Max couldn’t give up every weekend for them. Well, Lando had never asked, and maybe that was something to do with how new this part of their relationship was.
They had been friends forever, Max and Lando, Lando and Max, always closer than anyone else, and that had changed now. It was definitely for the better, but it brought a level of uncertainty, both worried about where they stood.
“Are you okay?” Max asked after a while, still holding on tightly to the younger.
“Yeah, just missed you,” Lando mumbled into Max’s shoulder. It was a little bit of a lie, but Max was good at reading between the lines, working out what Lando really meant without them having to say it.
“You did well today,” Max said, running his hand up and down Lando’s spine.
It was meant to be comforting, but Lando felt themself freeze up, “I didn’t,” they said, lifting their head, and pulling away from Max.
“Lan,” Max said, frowning deeply as he looked at Lando, “are you really okay?”
Letting out a deep sigh, Lando said, “it just really sucks Max, I spend all weekend being what they want, it’s exhausting. I just want to be myself.” They pressed their hands into their face, “it’s just good to be home.”
“I know,” Max said, “it does suck, it really does, but if you want to tell anyone, I’ll support you, if you don’t, that’s okay too. No matter what people call you, or how you choose to dress, you’re still you Lando, you will always be you.” He pulled Lando into a tight hug, letting them fall into his embrace.
“You’re way too good for me,” Lando mumbled, and Max hit their head, “ow!” they said, pouting as they pulled out of the embrace.
“Don’t say shit like that,” Max said, “you don’t let me, so I won’t let you.”
Lando smiled, “we should go to bed.”
“Go have a shower, I’ll get you a jumper, then we can go to bed,” Max said, ruffling Lando’s hair. He walked towards the door, picking up the younger’s bag, a knowing smile on his face.
“I don’t want a shower,” Lando grumbled, frowning at Max. They knew they would feel better for it, but showering was the last thing they wanted to do right now.
Between just wanting to collapse, and really not wanting to experience the dysphoria that came with seeing their body, showering was incredibly unappealing. It would be easier tomorrow, after a day of not being misgendered, after a day where they truly felt like themself, Lando just had to be patient.
It was hard. While Lando was far from ready to tell more than a few people that they were non binary, they weren’t even really ready to approach the subject with their family, only telling their brother accidentally, they still hated being misgendered. It was a real double edged sword. If they came out, more people would refer to them correctly, but formula one wasn’t ready for that yet, and Lando wasn’t ready for the backlash.
“You need to stop thinking,” Max said softly, placing his hand on Lando’s shoulder.
“Can you find my joggers, you know the pair right?” Lando said, taking the bag from Max. They would convince themself to shower, stand under the boiling water for as long as they could stand, and then they could feel okay.
“You mean my joggers,” Max smiled, nudging Lando with his shoulder.
“Shut up,” Lando frowned, nudging him back.
Max shook his head, taking hold of Lando’s and pulling them up the stairs, “go shower, you smell.”
-
Lando did feel better after getting out of the shower, though they had pretty much kept their eyes closed throughout. It helped a little bit, keeping the dysphoria from becoming too overwhelming. And now, bundled up in a hoodie that probably belonged to Max, and a pair of joggers that definitely did, Lando felt almost okay.
Constantly being misgendered, and having to pretend to be masculine was exhausting, it took more than a shower to fix that. Lando wondered whether he would ever lose that ache, whether they would ever feel fully comfortable in their own skin. It was only in small moments with Max that they felt like it might be possible, times they were completely separated from the outside world. Lando didn’t feel like they needed to be anyone in particular with Max, they thrived off of that.
“Do you want anything to eat before we go to bed, there’s food in the fridge,” Max asked, dragging Lando out of their thoughts as he came into the room, wrapping his arms around the younger.
Shaking their head, Lando took a seat on the edge of the bed, tucking their knees up to their chin.
“You should sleep, you look exhausted,” Max said, pushing the younger back against the bed. He walked around, lying himself down on the other side of the bed, letting Lando curl up against him.
Even before they got together, Lando and Max used to have naps together. It had started when they were kids, curling up on small sofas, their bodies pressed closely together so they could both fit. Lando always slept best when they were with Max, feeling safe in his arms.
“I love you,” Lando mumbled against Max’s chest, already feeling their eyes droop with exhaustion. They would be asleep in minutes feeling warm, and safe, and more like themself than they had in weeks.
“I love you too,” Max replied, pressing a kiss to the top of Lando’s head, “now sleep.”
“I think I want to tell some people,” Lando said, “Carlos maybe, George, Alex, maybe Lewis and Seb,” they continued, pulling their blanket up to their chest. Max didn’t have a blanket, claiming it got too hot, and that Lando was already his own hot water bottle.
“Okay,” Max said, smiling slightly, “I can be there if you want me to,” he suggested, squeezing Lando slightly.
“Yeah, please.”
“Alright, I’ll be there. Now go to sleep, please love,” Max said, pressing another kiss against Lando’s head, before getting himself comfortable.
“Thank you Maxy, you’re amazing, you know that right,” Lando said, looking up at Max.
“Sleep Lan, or I won’t be so amazing.”
Lando let out a small laugh, shifting slightly, before allowing their eyes to fall shut. They truly were exhausted, having barely slept over the weekend, and now they were allowing themself to relax, the exhaustion was really hitting.
Gender was exhausting and confusing, and the sour taste in their mouth that came from a sick feeling in their stomach was enough to tip them over the edge. But they would explore further, see what made them feel the most comfortable in their own skin. It would take time, but Lando knew they would get there, they knew that at some point, they wouldn’t want to rip off their own skin whenever anyone referred to them incorrectly.
One day they would truly feel like themself.