Archive of Our Own ^beta

Goose,

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Goose,

Am I doing the right thing? I promised I’d take care of Carole and Bradley, but I’m not you. I can never be you, and I’m not sure Carole wants me around. All those memories of you tangled up in me just being there. What am I supposed to do when Bradley’s every other word is about flying or the Navy?

I’m not his dad and I can never hope to be the dad you’d be if you were here. I don’t want to fuck things up, but that’s what I’ve always done my whole life. I don’t want to do that to your family.

-Mav

Goose,

It should’ve been you, but I took Bradley up flying today. The pure awe and joy on his face. The silence that lasted more than five minutes. He was enthralled. I gave him control of the stick at one point and the excited questions just poured out of him. “What happens if I do this? What about this? Mav, what happens if we do a loop de loop? And what about swooping like a bird?” He wanted to know it all and I was caught up in the moment with him. It felt like I was a kid again myself and my dad was taking me up for the first time. I couldn’t stop grinning the whole time and he didn’t either. He wanted to know when the next time we could go up was and how soon before he could be flying by himself and-and-and. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk that fast. It was magical seeing Bradley just be a kid for once.

But I think I made a mistake. Carole was so pissed at me for taking him up. I just wanted him to know what it was like to fly because you loved it as much as I did. I wanted him to know his dad a little bit more than just through stories and pictures. He barely remembers you, Goose.

It’s hard for Carole to talk about you. I don’t blame her. I’m not much better in that regard. Cracking jokes instead of talking about the serious stuff with him. I don’t know how to be the parent he needs, Goose. I was never supposed to have kids. I’m not cut out for it and hanging out with Bradley as infrequently as I do only reinforces that point. So serious and in his head. He’s more like Carole in some ways. Smart as a whip but you crack that surface and out you come, Goose. All that wild unbridled joy and wearing his heart on his sleeve. Even as controlled as he tries to be, he can’t help those emotions.

He’s a smart kid. He’s going to go places. I just hope he doesn’t repeat my mistakes. There’s so much out there in the world for him. He doesn’t need to be us, me especially.

You should be here, Goose. He needs his dad. Especially with the years ahead of him. Maybe you could talk to him, get him to do anything other than follow in our footsteps.

-Mav

Goose,

Carole’s sick. Sick sick. The docs think it’s cancer of some kind. They’re running more tests to figure out what it is exactly.

The world can’t be this cruel. It just can’t. Bradley doesn’t deserve this. He’s in high school now. Deadset on going to the Naval Academy and getting the same ring you did. I can’t be the only adult in his life. I can’t. I’m not the kind of person he needs to be turning to for advice or as an example or as anything.

I’m not that kind of good person, Goose. I’m not the man you were and I’m definitely not the man Bradley’s growing up to be.

I can’t do this. Don’t make me do this.

-Mav

Bradley,

I hope one day you’ll understand what I did. I did it for you and I did it for your mom. I think you know how much she didn’t want you to fly after what happened to your dad. I was never her favorite person after I took you up flying that first time. She never forgave me for that.

You don’t need the military. You don’t need to fly for them. You can do so much more, so much better for yourself.

Don’t be me. Don’t make my mistakes.

You deserve better.

-Mav

Goose,

I don’t think he’ll forgive me. I pulled his papers. I grounded him before he could even get off the ground. I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk him heading out to the war we’re about to be in for god knows how long. He’s better than this. He’s better than me. I don’t want him to be someone who has to deal with bombing runs on an enemy that’ll turn out not to be our enemy in ten years' time.

I know how this goes. I’ve seen it too many times now. I don’t want him to have to be that person. I don’t want him to have to wonder if some stupid stroke of luck meant that he made it back and his best friend didn’t. I don’t want him to have to lose a wingman for stupid reasons or lose a wingman so young and so soon into his career. It does something to someone. And out there, right now, there won’t be time for him to sit and process and understand what it means.

It was Carole’s last wish. She asked me if I would protect him even if it was from himself and how could I say no, Goose? How could I say no? She wasn’t going to see her boy grow up, get married, do all the things a parent should get to see. She wasn’t even going to see him graduate high school and start that journey to becoming his own man.

Goddamnit, Goose, Bradley didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this.

-Mav

Bradley,

Congratulations on graduating. I hear flight school’s on deck. I’m sure you’ll do great.

Hope you’re doing well,
Mav

Bradley,

Happy birthday! I wish I could be there. You’re twenty-five now and smarter than either I or your dad were at that age. I hope it’s a good one.

-Mav

Goose,

Bradley’s twenty-five today. He’s as old as you were ever allowed to be. He’s lived most of that without you. He has more memories of me and Carole than he has of you. All you are to him are pictures and stories. And all these people telling him how much he looks like you. What does that do to a boy?

How can I face him after everything? How can I ever even begin to cut through the distance? How can I be anything….

I miss you. I miss Carole. I miss him.

Maybe it’s better this way.

He doesn’t need me in his life.

-Mav

Bradley
Rooster,

Ice told me
Congratulations on being selected for TOPGUN. Goose would be proud. I’m sure you’ll blow everyone else out of the water. You were always going to go places. I just wish it hadn’t been the military. I’m glad you never lost your love for flying.

-Mav

Scrawled on the outside of the envelope in Mav’s haphazard handwriting is: Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw.

Bradley,

I hope you read this. I know I don’t deserve to have any expectation of that, but maybe this once you’ll humor me.

I chose you for this mission because you were ready and it was time for me to let go. You’re one of the best pilots out there. You wouldn’t have been to TOPGUN and been called back otherwise. Even if I wished Ice had made any other choice than calling me back for this mission. But that’s not here or now.

If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it back and Hondo gave this to you when you landed. I didn’t have a good feeling about this mission, and if I knew one thing when I flew out there it was that the rest of you were coming back.

I’m sorry I’ll never get to know the man you became. I’m sorry we never fixed the rift between us. I had hoped one day you’d understand, but maybe I should’ve known it was yet another mistake I’d never be able to atone for.

You’ve always been ready, Bradley, even if I wasn’t ready.

Goose would be proud of you.

I’m proud of you too, for as little as that probably means.

Live a good life, Bradley. Be happy. Don’t make my mistakes.

Know that I’ve always cared even though you never wanted it.

I wish…but then we wouldn’t be who we are, huh?

Take care, Bradley.

-Pete “Maverick” Mitchell