Chapter Text
Shout out to my incredibly talented and smart beta reader: @iwillnotbefearfulofthenight here on Ao3, you can also find her at @nofearofnight on Twitter!
“Lights, camera, acti- wait, CUT!”
Six sets of fuzzy felt eyes turned slowly to face Stede as Oluwande softly swore behind him.
“What is it now, Cap?” Oluwande sighed heavily. “We’ve tried to start filming a half dozen times already today and we’ve captured maybe ten minutes of footage.”
Stede paused and stood up from his crouch beneath his muppet. He looked around, taking in the haphazardly crafted set: the beautiful wood of the ship’s deck (the highest of quality according to the carpenter he had asked at the home improvement store) was rather awkwardly crafted together using both screws and nails at rather uneven distances. Stede had been unsure when constructing the set which would work best and landed on including both for extra support. ‘ That’s surely how these things worked, right?’ He had also obtained a gorgeous bit of silk for the sails, but only realized it did not necessarily show well on camera after installing them and had spent one memorable morning with Oluwande attempting to replace them with linen while shouting at Olu to “not get snags in the silk, man!” In hindsight, he maybe should have hired a professional set designer and production team, but he had wanted to be able to say this show was his, and his alone. And building it with his own two hands had felt like an important step on that journey.
His eyes finally landed on his pride and joy: the felt pirate muppets, lovingly handcrafted by himself, deep in the night as his wife and kids slept, pouring his hopes and dreams into fabricated friends that would help him tell the stories he had always craved as a child. His one chance to escape the rat race of the typical corporate job and suburban life everyone in his life had always expected of him. Everything was as he had wanted, albeit with some questionable craftsmanship and perhaps a few things not strictly to code, and yet something wasn’t quite clicking.
“Oluwande, I appreciate the note about our quantity of takes so far, but if we hope to gain any traction in the frankly overstuffed children's programming field, we must be sure we are offering a truly unique experience! We need to make a splash out of the gate if we want to - oh, wait that’s it!”
Oluwande’s eyes grew wary as he watched the mental light bulb brighten Stede’s eyes, his mouth turning up into an almost maniacal smile as whatever wild idea gained traction in his mind. Oluwande had taken this job as stage manager for a public access kids muppet show for the paycheck, figuring it was a great way to cover rent between the real stage work that had slowed down in recent months. He couldn’t believe how much pay it offered, given it was being put on by a completely unknown producer who also insisted he star in the show. A muppet pirate show no less, as if some shoddy home brew production like this could ever hope to compete with THE premier kids show of the day, “Blackbeard’s Pirate Puppets, and Delicacies, and Delights.”
He had only been working for Stede Bonnet as his stage manager for a couple weeks. And yet, Oluwande knew enough by now to realize that Stede’s manic excitement at a new idea meant something insane and out there was about to come out of his mouth, and Olu would probably be stuck trying to make it a reality. Maybe he could redirect the request over to Stede’s (mostly useless) executive assistant, Lucius, who was currently pretending to be busy by “hammering” the set background with what Olu assumed was actually just a plastic toy.
Stede turned his bright gaze onto his cast, who were slowly standing up from their crouches below the set, bringing their arms down to gently rest their muppets on the deck of the set as they waited for Stede’s pronouncement. “If we are going to bring truly dynamic stories to the youth, we need as much authenticity as we can muster! And what is the most real pirate experience?”
Stede beamed at his cast, waiting expectantly for them to come along on his epiphany. He expectantly waited for some seconds that dragged out into minutes of awkward silence, everyone staring blankly back at him, so he clapped his hands and asked, “Well? What do you imagine we could do to bring the true pirate experience directly into the living rooms of children around the world? Thoughts? No stupid ideas, this is a supportive environment for creativity!”
“Ummm, maybe, how about real swords and guns? S’os we can do battles and such like in olden times?” John Feeney, one of the secondary puppeteers, offered softly with a half raised hand from his burly bear muppet, ‘Wee John.’
“Oh, and then my Roach can do surgery on the battle wounds!” added Samba as he wiggled the six long, red stick legs of his insect-muppet-turned-ship surgeon. “Kids’ll learn all about anatomy and suture care!”
“Ah, excellent suggestion for authenticity, John and Samba, you’ve caught on to the thread. But I think, perhaps sword and gunshot wounds would be a tad TOO violent for supporting the healthy development of young minds, hmmm?” Stede smiled brightly. “Other ideas?”
“We could have the muppets sing songs about real life pirating?” Frenchie ventured, tentatively miming strumming his muppet’s stringed lute. Stede beamed back at him, motioning with his hands for Frenchie to elaborate further. He continued rapidly, spurred on by the positive reaction, “Like, we could sing about stuffing down yer feelin’s when ya have ta kill a man, and the pain of a short, brutal life being better than a long one under the boot of slavery and high society and…”
“Frenchie, uh, yes thank you for your very creative addition!” Stede interrupted. “Songs are a well proven concept with children. And I think you’ve gotten closer to the center here, although, again, direct mention of mortal violence may be just a tad unsavory for our target audience.”
Stede panned across his cast, holding the gaze of each individual as he looked. “Out of curiosity, how many of you have children yourselves? By show of hands,” he said. No one raised even a finger. Stede’s eyes widened. “No one? Not a single child between you, not even, well, you know….” he leaned conspiratorially toward his cast, “from licentious endeavors out of wedlock?” This last part he almost whispered and his neck turned a light shade of scarlet as he spoke.
“Oh guys, he really doesn’t know, does he?” piped Lucius from directly over Stede’s shoulder, startling him with a jump. Lucius placed a gentle hand on Stede’s shoulder and gave him an appeasing smile. “No, Stede, no kiddos around these parts. But quite a few fun guncles in the mix, I’m sure!” He winked at John, who blushed furiously at the attention.
Stede blinked back at him. “Guncles? Is that something the Gen Z youth are saying these days?” Most of the cast tittered with laughter, smothering their giggles behind felted paws and hands.
“You could say that,” replied Lucius with a smirk. “That said, I think our Captain here is trying to move us along toward a specific objective. Isn’t that right, Stede? Or are you just paying us to sit around playing with our puppets all afternoon?” More stifled giggles erupted from the others, and Stede knew he was losing command of the conversation.
“Yes, well, you are in fact correct there Lucius. I think we need a hook for the show!”
“Oh oh, I can be Smee!” yelped Pete Black, one of the puppeteers who shook his muppet, Petey the Parrot, with barely contained excitement as he spoke. “When I was on Blackbeard’s show, I played Smee opposite Blackbeard himself as Hook in one of the book-themed episodes!”
“Pete, first, I don’t believe I remember your turn on Blackbeard’s Pirates from your resume, but that background should come in incredibly handy!” Stede enthused as the rest of the cast rolled their eyes. “Additionally, I believe you misunderstood. I didn’t mean Hook as in the infamous pirate from Peter Pan, but a hook as in we work out an enticement that will truly wow the kids. Something no one has seen before!”
“What about a flag? What kind of pirate show doesn’t have a signature flag for the show opener?” Jim Jimenez, the most experienced puppeteer Stede had been able to find to join his show, spoke from the side of the stage. They were slight, quiet, professional, and also quite intimidating if Stede was honest with himself. They handled a very authentic looking felt pirate muppet they had brought themselves (the only original muppet not crafted by Stede for the show) with all of the traditional trappings: tattoos, buckles, even a pretty gnarly beard. But he appreciated having access to the expertise in the field, given his personal lack thereof.
“That is… actually an excellent point Jim. Hmmm,” Stede thought out loud as he tapped a finger against his lips. “How about this? Let’s take a break, have each of you design what you think our show’s flag should look like. We can use the time to get our creative juices flowing, perhaps land on that hook we need for the show!”
He turned to Oluwande. “Olu!”
“Yes?”
“Can you dig out all of the felt and fabric scraps we’ve stored in the back, along with some of the sewing supplies?”
Oluwande sighed. “Yes, sir, I can do that.” And he slumped off stage to the storage in the back of the small stage they were renting from the local public access production company.
“I think this is going to get us off to an amazing start! Everyone be open, be creative, and be communicative! Acting and play are group activities, so let’s have some fun as a crew!” Stede announced to the room, and the cast members paused momentarily before grumpily moving to set up a flag making area. Stede took a deep breath and looked around proudly, a smile playing softly on his lips, feeling like this was truly the start of building the muppet pirate show he had always dreamed of.
Page 1
The Gentleman Pirate
Pilot Episode
Ext. Pirate Ship Deck. Day.
A group of muppet pirates is gathered on the deck of a pirate ship. THE GENTLEMAN PIRATE (beige felt muppet, blonde curly hair, well-dressed in blue silk overcoat) is addressing his crew as they set sail on their first voyage. There are seven crew members on stage: PETEY THE PARROT (colorful red and blue parrot), WEE JOHN (large brown fuzzy bear), JIM (gruff, traditional pirate with beard), ROACH (brown/green insect dressed as a chef), BUTTONS (white seagull), THE SWEDE (mermaid with long blonde hair and a flower crown), and FRENCHIE (a french fry carrying a lute). A series of flags fly above deck, incorporating black cats, skulls, and extensive amounts of glitter.
GENTLEMAN PIRATE
Welcome, crew, to the deck of the Revenge! I am your captain, The Gentleman Pirate, here to take us on the most fantastical adventures of our lives. We may face danger, you may even feel fear as we explore the endless expanse of ocean, the depths of the sea, and discover creatures and lands no one has seen before. But since we are a crew, we are here to support each other in any of our feelings. And that is because…?
THE CREW (in unison)
We talk it through as a crew!
THE GENTLEMAN PIRATE
Yes, that’s right! We always talk through our feelings, because feelings, no matter how big or small, are always…?
THE SWEDE (in quick succession)
Awkward?
WEE JOHN
Uncomfortable?
ROACH
Unnecessary?
THE GENTLEMAN PIRATE
…Valid! Feelings are always valid and ok to have, my friends. Now, together we shall sail the seven seas! Yes, seven, the number of the day! Now, who can help me count to seven?
The crew each count off one through seven, as there are seven of them.
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