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Absentmindedly, Toya moved the joystick back and forth, not aiming for any prize in particularly. The constant buzz of other crane games and the other game machines within the arcade filled his ears. Vaguely, he could make out the sounds of the constant chatter from other students spending their after school hours at the arcade with their friends. Although he couldn’t make out the words he spoke, Toya found the constant noise pleasantly distracting. In a strange way, it calmed him.
Toya enjoyed the games the local arcade had and he thought that winning various plushies from the crane games was rather fun despite the fact he was unable to keep most of them; it gave him something to focus his mind on. It distracted Toya from his problems just for a little bit — not long enough that the said problems would become worst, but enough so that he could sort through his thoughts while calm.
So overall, Toya loved going to the arcade. The almost endless sounds and simple presence of just other people being there felt comforting, calming… But today, the arcade felt strangely empty.
Briefly, he wondered why before Toya’s eyes noticed that the timer on the crane machine was nearing zero and he refocused on the crane game. Pushing his curiosity to the side, Toya swiftly made the last adjustments to the placement of the crane before pressing the down button next to the joystick. He watched as the crane dove down into the pile of prizes and opened its jaw, hooking itself into the small loop of a fox plushie’s tag. Slowly, the crane closed and began to ascend. Determining that the prize was successfully his, Toya crouched down and opened the prize shoot, waiting for the plushie to drop.
Soon, the fox plushie fell down the shoot, clattering to the bottom with muted thuds before Toya took it out. He stood back up and went back to the joystick, one hand reaching for his card to play again while the other held the fluffy fox over his shoulder.
It wasn’t small nor was it large — it would be something that felt snuggly in his arms if he held it. Medium-sized plushies were most of what he Toya went for nowadays. He stopped going for the bigger plushies when he remembered that Akito had to carry his prizes which made him feel bad.
Speaking of Akito, the plushie was still in his hand, waiting for Akito to grab it so he could continue playing.
“Akito?” Toya called out curiously, wondering where his partner was.
Thinking that Akito had earbuds in or something, Toya looked back.
Only to find no one there.
There was only an empty space where Akito usually stood behind him as Toya played crane cranes.
Oh. Right.
Of course. Of course Akito wouldn’t be there.
Akito wasn’t his partner anymore.
Akito wouldn’t come to the arcade with him anymore.
Akito didn’t even want to see his face anymore.
Akito…
Hated him now.
Toya wished he didn’t — he really wished that Akito was still there with him. Standing by his side; brightening up Toya’s everyday with his smiles, jokes, and laughs like he used to.
But Akito wasn’t standing by his side.
Akito would probably never stand by Toya’s side ever again.
Toya had made sure of that.
He…he had made sure of that.
Raising his hand to his face, Toya’s fingers brushed against the barely visible bruise on his jaw. It had stopped hurting after he iced it that night, but Toya still felt a constant ache in his body despite that.
Ah… Toya blinked slowly. He was no longer distracted. All of his problems had come rushing back to him in a wave — a tsunami almost.
Maybe the arcade had distracted him a bit too well today.
Well, it was only a matter of time before the distraction fell through. Toya knew he couldn’t distract himself from his problems for long this time.
The problem was him after all.
Him; Aoyagi Toya; the half-assed one.
The one who tricked Akito into thinking that Toya was worthy of standing with him on stage — worthy of being his partner and pursuing the light of RAD WEEKEND together.
The one who tricked even himself into thinking that he could ever deserve Akito.
Sighing, Toya pushed the thoughts out of his head they still lingered in the back of his mind, even through Toya’s attempts to push them down.
Instead of thinking about Akito, Toya wondered about who he could give this plushie to; Toya doubted Akito’s sister he thought about Akito again was a viable option anymore and Saki was running out of space for them in her room. Maybe Azusawa or Shiraishi? But that’d mean Toya could run into Akito on the way to Vivid Street…ah, maybe that one girl from his class would like it— Kusanagi, was it?
Shaking his head, Toya decided he could figure it out later. If not, he could give out his prizes to random people in the arcade before leaving.
Setting the fox plushie he just won down beside the joystick, Toya prepared to insert his arcade card to play and win another prize, but he froze when he actually got a good look at the fox plushie he had just won.
The main color of the fur was unsurprisingly, orange. But…it was almost the exact same shade of orange as Akito’s hair. The thoughts of Akito creeped closer towards the center of Toya’s mind at the mere sight of it. Even the belly was a soft, off-white, cream-ish color. Not quite yellow, but close enough to resemble Akito’s signature hoodie or dyed streaks in his hair.
Close enough to make Toya think of Akito and only of Akito every second that he looked at it.
It made Toya feel hurt — why did it hurt? It wasn’t his bruise that ached, it was his chest.
Toya’s hand hovered over his chest as he looked down at it in confusion. Was something wrong with him? It wasn’t like he was actually hurt or anything — …or maybe this was what people called heart ache.
It probably was.
That was the unfortunate part, wasn’t it?
Sighing, Toya inserted his arcade card and tried to win another prize from the machine, hoping that his crashing thoughts would subside. But it didn’t and Toya kept playing and winning plushies. Every prize he took out of the prize shoot, Toya had to physically stop himself from instinctively holding the plushies out to nothing but air. Hours had passed yet the calm that the arcade once brought Toya was nowhere to be found.
When Toya left the arcade, all the plushies he had won except the fox had been given out to strangers in the arcade. On his way home, Toya passed by a new cafe. He spotted a menu board promoting their special cheesecake. Toya had to stop himself from opening Akito’s contact and texting him about it so they could hangout.
By the time Toya returned home, he felt exhausted. He sat at the edge of his bed, the mattress protesting at his weight. Toya stared at the fox plushie in his hands.
Throw it out, his mind said.
But it looks like Akito, Toya thought back.
Stop thinking about him.
You don’t deserve to be by his side.
He hates you.
Stop it.
Throw it out.
Stopit.
Hehatesyou.
Stopitthrowitstopthrowstopityoushouldn’tthinkabouthimhehatesyounowrememberhatehatehatehatestopstopstopststopstopsTOP—
Toya jumped at the abrupt sound of his phone ringing. His phone…ringing in his hand. Toya blinked at his screen and the name he saw displayed made Toya nearly throw his phone across his room; he ended up dropping his phone in a panic and it tumbled to the floor, hitting the frame of his bed before skidding to a stop less than a mere meter away.
He had called Akito in his spiral.
Just like how Toya always did when they were still partners. Akito was always there for him — even late at night when Akito was already asleep, but was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing.
Akito was always there for him.
Akito was always by his side.
But he wasn’t anymore.
And would never be again.
Toya made sure of it.
He wanted this he didn’t.
Bending over, Toya weakly picked up his phone. Akito’s contact at the top of his recent calls. He hadn’t answered the call because of course he didn’t, why would he? Akito hated Toya; the last thing he would want would be a call from Toya.
Hated…
Akito hated Toya.
Akito hated Toya.
Hated.
Before, Toya knew Akito hated him ever since the night — it was the logical outcome after all. It was what Toya went in intending to cause
So why did the word in-between his and Akito’s name suddenly hurt so much more?
The word repeated over and over in his mind as Toya stared at his phone screen. Akito’s contact staring back at him dauntingly. Toya couldn’t find the energy to move a centimeter.
Eventually, long after his phone screen had faded to black, Toya mustered the energy to move. Clumsily, he set his phone back on his nightstand and flopped onto his bed.
Toya threw the blanket over his head and curled in on himself, hiding away from the world. He shifted slightly, his hand meeting the soft fabric of the fox plush.
Toya took the fox plushie into his hand and held it close to his chest.
Just for tonight, he thought.
I’ll throw it out tomorrow, he told himself.
In the end, Toya didn’t have the heart to throw the fox plush out. Not when it reminded him of Akito.
Toya hugged it close to his chest every night as he fought the urge to throw his blanket that felt too hot off his head and burst through his front door to sprint to Akito’s house and apologize.
Every night, Toya fell asleep with Akito on his mind, words flying across on repeat. Rare tears that were no longer rare pricked at Toya’s lidded eyes. Trailing down his cheeks and leaving a map of streams and rivers by the time he woke.
He hates you, Toya’s mind whispered.
…I know.
But I still miss him.