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Even if just self-proclaimed, wasn't Dazai really such a wonderful person?
His co-workers might be troubled by certain actions of his, and quite frequently, at that; but surely that doesn't disprove this very accurate, miraculous theory of Dazai Osamu indeed being an amazing, great person.
Sure, his work partner Kunikida would probably never agree to that. And other colleagues such as the Agency's resident doctor Yosano-sensei, and his new mentee Atsushi-kun, would maybe begrudgingly admit to Dazai being even somewhat of a decent person. Now see, all opinions were to be respected, but all were definitely not correct.
Dazai was definitely a good person. Even if his partner in life was to disagree strongly, and even add some very heavy profanity for even daring to suggest such an absurd thing. But Chuuya was just a silly little chibi slug anyway. Considering the number of tacky hats he owned, there was no way his opinions could be correct.
After all, didn't he always say that Dazai was an absolute shitty bastard? That obviously wasn't true, ne? So it must be Chuuya himself who was wrong.
Despite such hurtful conspiracies, Dazai still woke up every day and aspired to be a good person for another day! Ah, he was such a dedicated resident of the 'bright side'. His ancestors, if any, would certainly be proud if they knew of his very serious efforts that he put towards being good and civil.
Today, Dazai was somewhat eager to complete a specific task; one that would help him fulfil his goal of being a proper, nice person for one whole day.
Keeping that in mind, off he went to the pet store.
To buy a dog.
Yeah.
For Dazai Osamu to purchase a dog.
Now look, Dazai's distaste and quite frankly put, hatred, for those little monsters was very well known among co-workers and family. (There was no way he had actual friends, ne? Well maybe, Yosano-sensei was a friend. She'd surely appreciate him and not be as rude as the others.)
Right! So, his hatred towards dogs was certainly very well known. Even if he personally had a human named Chuuya who just so happened to be his dog for life. Chuuya might be his dog, but at least he wasn't a real monstrous animal! No, unlike those shitty, barking mutts, Chuuya was definitely much softer and cuter and he was definitely too precious to be called a mutt. Even if he wore really tacky hats, and was just a chibi slug.
The point was, Chuuya was just indeed a chibi slug. Which is why, he couldn't help his very poor tastes in all things on earth. Really, that hatrack had a history of poor tastes in everything. For example, wine. Who even genuinely likes wine out of prissy black-tie occasions? Wasn't sake just much better?
And Dazai couldn't even bring himself to comment on the hats anymore. Being stuck with those ugly, awful hats for seven long years; that was surely the way to drive a man insane. As for that chibi's tastes in men, those were the only good tastes he had. Which, Dazai was sure, was an acquired taste.
After all, the genius detective didn't annoy his former work partner for seven years for the latter to acquire bad tastes in men and go out with somebody else. No, the only option was for him to develop a condition which caused him to be very lonely when he wasn't with certain mackerel bastards.
Just like a dog, ne?
Right, back to the point. Which is, dogs! Chuuya, for some reason, adored dogs?! It was truly terrible. Something right out of one of Dazai's early nightmares. A tragedy, at that. But between the two of them, it was common knowledge that Chuuya adored dogs. Loved them, would take care of every single one of them if he possibly could.
In fact, his favourite movie was 'The Boy and the Puppy'. He's watched in ten times, and he cried every, single, time.
So, for today's mission, Dazai decided that getting a dog for his dog was the way to go!
Considering his own hatred for dogs, but still attempting to get one just because that would make his partner happy? Wasn't that just so selfless and kind! Of course, Dazai was still very much conflicted about this whole idea of going out himself to buy a dog. But there was no use to hesitating now.
He was already at the adoption shelter. And besides, if he was to live with one of those, creatures, for god knows how long, it was probably best for him to choose the one himself.
And so steeling his nerves, Dazai Osamu embarked on his toughest mission yet. And that is, walking into the shelter of his own will. As expected, he was greeted by all sorts of animals screeching at him. The fish were swimming around in their bowls, and Dazai could swear that they were staring at him.
The rabbits in the pen were too busy doing their own thing. A fortunate thing at that, because for some reason, Dazai couldn't stand rabbits either. They were one of those creatures who looked super innocent and cute, but in their minds, they were most definitely plotting world domination.
Walking past an arena of excessive meowing and purring, Dazai finally reached the section where there were lots of puppies in a little play area. They were most definitely not cute. If anything, they looked monstrous too, staring at the man with their beady eyes.
Ignoring them, Dazai took his opportunity to speak to the store helper, discussing various dog breeds with her. Also, wasn't it kind of crazy that there were so many different breeds of dogs? A chihuahua for example. They were just so tiny! But tiny dogs were a no for Dazai. Even if his own dog was just a shorty.
But Dazai would admit that he was tempted to get a chihuahua. Just for a second, but the temptation was there. After all, wouldn't it be so funny to present that pup to Chuuya, and claim that it was named 'chuuyahua'?! Wasn't that so funny?
Fast forward an hour or so later, and Dazai was standing in front of the door to his penthouse, the one he shared with his partner. He'd ended up getting a golden retriever puppy, of all breeds. They were small and golden and fluffy, and they would grow up to be big balls of sunshine. The store helper's words, of course.
It was a Saturday, so when Dazai finally walked in with a puppy basket dangling off his arm, Chuuya was definitely home. The mafioso walked out of the kitchen when he heard his partner come in. Dressed in soft pyjamas, he looked cute as usual. Naturally, Dazai took a moment to stop and admire such cute humans, just they way they should be.
But Chuuya had other plans. Very rudely interrupting the other, he stared at the puppy basket pointedly, "Shitty Dazai. What the fuck is that?"
For a few seconds, Dazai just sighed. Then, he slowly bent over to open the door of the puppy basket, letting the little ball of floof run out. As expected, the golden puppy immediately ran over to Chuuya, nuzzling at his legs.
Dazai declared, an amused smile hinting at his face, "That, is for you, my beloved."
It was safe to say that Chuuya's jaw dropped immediately, "You got me a dog...?"
That set Dazai off on his tirade real fast, "Just for you, of course. There is no way I'm ever taking care of that thing. But I figured you'd like it, so-"
He wasn't really sure when Chuuya made his way towards him. But the redhead, the new puppy cradled in his arms, leaned over to cut him off with a kiss, "Shut up for a second."
Pulling back, he continued, "But seriously, you got me a puppy? Holy shit, he's so cute. Oh my god. My heart. Dazai. Dazai. Dazai, he's so cute."
The brunet chuckled fondly, "Well, I take it you're not opposed to keeping this little thing?"
For the first time in a while, Chuuya looked up at him as if he'd hung the moon in the sky for him, "There's no way I could be opposed! But he's so cute! It should be illegal to be this cute. I'm going to cry, holy shit, Dazai."
This time, Dazai burst out laughing, wrapping an arm around the other, "Don't cry, Slug. You've always wanted one of these, ne?"
Chuuya looked at him some more, his eyes wide and fond, "I have! Dazai. Holy shit. I love you. I love you so much."
Dazai just cocked his head, a simple smile adorning his face, "Thanks? I love Chuuya too."
Nuzzling against the new puppy, and pressing a kiss to the top of its head, Chuuya turned back to his partner, "Wait, but. You hate dogs."
Dazai offered him a simple smile, "I do, but... I love Chuuya."
Chuuya gaped at him for a few seconds, before bending over and gently putting the puppy back in the basket. Then, he proceeded to tackle his husband with a hug, "I love you. I love you so much. Not just because you got me a puppy, you know?"
Dazai laughed some more, "I'm sure. Thank you, Chuuya."
The other looked over at him again, in concern this time, "You don't mind keeping a dog?"
Dazai very pointedly stared at him, "Hm, but haven't I kept one for seven years anyway?"
Chuuya rolled his eyes, before smacking him gently, "Shut the fuck up. I'm not your dog. But wait, we have a dog now?! Have we named him yet?"
For a second, Dazai was really tempted to point out that this puppy was just Chuuya's. Dazai had nothing to do with parenting a puppy. But then he let his slide a little too easily. After all, Chuuya looked way too happy at the idea of raising a puppy together.
Instead, he just responded simply, "Not yet. I figured I'd leave that part to you."
Chuuya hummed thoughtfully, "But I can't think of anything."
A very serious suggestion from the other, "How about Slug?"
A little unexpectedly, Chuuya frowned immediately, "Hey, that's for me. You can't call him that."
Dazai couldn't help but giggle, "Are you jealous of your own dog?"
His partner huffed, "No, but isn't that name for me? You can't call him that. You wouldn't like it if I named him 'Mackerel', would you?"
The bastard shrugged, "I wouldn't really mind."
Very forlornly, Chuuya frowned, "Dazai, that's mean."
Still laughing, the other raised his arm to poke his partner in the cheeks, "You're such a child."
A fast retort, "And you're such a bastard."
Dazai laughed some more, resting his head against his partner's shoulder, "Name the puppy after some kind of food. Isn't that what everyone does?"
Chuuya joked, "Shall I name it Petrus?"
His partner gasped in offense, "After the wine you uncorked on the day I left the mafia?! That's so rude!"
Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Shut up. You're so dramatic."
For a few seconds, neither of them said nothing, Chuuya still gently scratching the puppy's head. Then, Dazai genuinely suggested, "Popcorn? Shall we name him that?"
Chuuya raised his eyebrows, "Because he's golden? Like popcorn?"
Dazai smiled, a little too sparkly, "Precisely."
Chuuya stared at him some, before fondly rolling his eyes and turning to the puppy. Leaning over, he gently kissed him on the head, "Your name is Popcorn now, you hear? Welcome home, you cute motherfucker."
Dazai burst out laughing immediately, "Should you be swearing at your dog? Isn't that rude?"
Chuuya picked up Popcorn gently before declaring, "I do it out of love, and you should know that."
Dazai grinned, "Does that mean you love me too? Considering you constantly swear at me?"
The redhead rolled his eyes again, "Obviously. Anyway, let's go feed him. No, Dazai, he can't have dog food yet. He needs milk."
Following his partner to the kitchen, the detective whined, "Can I have something to eat too? I'm hungry, you know! This is so unfair, Chuuya. If you're going to forget your husband just because you now have a-"
Chuuya cut him off with a very annoyed sigh, "I made you sushi, asshole."
"Oh. In that case, thank you very much, my beloved."
A snort, "You're welcome, honey."
This was followed by Dazai sitting at the kitchen counter, watching as Chuuya very kindly fed Popcorn some milk, before cradling him to sleep and putting him back in the basket. As expected, a dog like Chuuya was certainly very happy and sparkly with his own dog.
Thus begins a new life for Yokohama's Deadliest Duo.
One in which they've been married for four years, and have now successfully adopted a dog named Popcorn.