Archive of Our Own ^beta

Adam Parrish was no stranger to being afraid.

Even under St. Agnes’ roof, the ghost of his childhood loomed over him: Adam was afraid of his father reappearing in his doorway, yanking at his collar and slamming his cruel fist into his jaw. He was afraid those punishing hands would move onto his mother instead, simply because he wasn’t there to take the hit. Even more, he was afraid of turning into Robert Parrish.

His pride made him fear other things as well. Adam was afraid of never making it out into the world on his own. He was afraid of having strings attached to him and being played to someone else’s tune. He was afraid that being poor would be the one constant in his life, and he would never be rid of the dirt under his nails. He was afraid of working his hardest and still not being good enough.

With his fate now so intertwined with the divine, the only thing that had changed was how fear no longer had an upper hand in Adam’s life. From his time with Persephone, he learned to be someone who was in control. Adam was not a man of faith, but it was difficult not to believe in destiny. Not anymore. But Adam was different from other believers in that he sought control over it- never mind that his destiny was more likely to involve a lackluster nine-to-five desk job as opposed to penthouse suites. What he had learned after his sacrifice was that the cards could tell your future, but in the end it was still up to you- just one move and everything could change.

But one thing that he, just like everyone else, had no control over was death.

Adam came to learn that life and death were things balanced on a scale. You could push one person away from the swinging blade, but it would still fall onto someone else, and never someone too far away. Noah was a testament to that. Though he did not know Gansey then, they still came to be undeniably linked- best friends, brothers. The sword always fell.

But Glendower could change everything. Most nights, Adam would stay up to test the words on his lips. If it worked, Gansey would live. But Adam was ever so aware of the scale, and he knew that even if he could keep Gansey breathing, the blade that yearned for blood could turn to him, or Ronan, or Blue- something had to give.

Adam Parrish was still afraid, but when it came down to it, he wasn’t going to let anyone die. Not on his watch.

It was a Tuesday evening when the Pig broke down again.

Adam had asked Gansey whether he would like to go out to the fields to run an errand for Cabeswater with him that day, and he had expected the look of surprise. It was something that Adam was more likely to ask Ronan ever since they got together, but he had finally gotten Ronan to study for an upcoming test through relentless negotiations that involved things that he would never disclose to anyone for fear of the embarrassed flush that it would definitely bring to his face.

Together, they looked under the hood, only to find that it was nothing Adam could fix without the proper tools. To both their dismay, even the heat had gone out.

“The tow truck is on its way,” Gansey informed as he stuffed his phone into his pocket. “Might take a while since we’re this far out.”

Adam nodded as he pressed his hands between his knees in a weak attempt to keep them warm. The February chill seemed brutal with him in his flimsy jacket, and Adam could no longer feel his nose. The only thing that seemed alright was the clear view of the mountains right in front of them. Adam kept his eyes trained on them as Gansey settled next to him on the stretch of grass right by his car.

After a while, Gansey said, “Thanks for asking me.”

It was as if they would never forget the way they fought, and it was as if Gansey thought that Adam would never forgive him now that they knew how he felt about Blue even before Ronan happened. Adam didn’t know how to tell him that he thought of Gansey as a brother despite their differences, and that Ronan had practically carved his name on his heart by now. So, what came out instead was, “Thought you were going to leave us for Henry Cheng.”

The tension lifted as Gansey laughed, and the two boys were undoubtedly recalling how Gansey of all people had street raced against Ronan, with Henry on his side, making it the strangest thing that ever happened right next to the discovery of Gwenllian.

“That is highly unlikely,” Gansey answered. “I just wanted to prove that I could be as fun as you or Ronan.”

Adam knew it was more than that, but he smiled back anyway. The two fell into companionable silence, and Adam could easily guess that the other boy was mesmerized by the beauty of Henrietta before them.

“I wish I didn't have to leave this place,” Gansey breathed out, and Adam knew that he could never match Gansey’s level of affection for this place. Henrietta was painful fragments of his childhood, and he was always going to want it to fade into a memory. But Adam couldn’t help but think that maybe if things were different, he could have loved this place too.

“You have to,” Adam said. Then, he cautiously added, “To grow up,” because Richard Gansey III was not going to die here. Gansey practically had an acceptance letter from Harvard with his name on it. He was going to do great things and have libraries named after him. He was going to make a difference in this world one firm handshake at a time.

Upon registering the seriousness in Adam’s voice, Gansey looked over and said, “Not without you, I hope.” The words were innocent but nevertheless called for every ounce of his courage. Gansey knew that this was the kind of conversation that always caused a rift between the two, but he wanted to know what Adam’s answer would be after so much had changed. The idea of a future without all five of them together seemed impossible.

This time, Adam did not fight. Instead, he asked, “What happens to Ronan?”

Gansey huffed. “We put him in the trunk if we have to. He has the most growing up to do.”

Adam couldn’t contain his laughter. He said acquiescently, “He’s not so bad.”

Feeling satisfied, Gansey looked to the mountains and told honestly, “I’d take all of you with me anywhere.”

Adam did not answer but glanced over at the boy and felt his chest hurt. Death was never more ominous than when you were trying to keep someone alive. But Adam was always the one with a plan- and he vowed that Gansey was not going to die.

He would not let it happen.

It was warm under the covers with Ronan next to him. Even in their contented haze, bare skin grazing over each other, Adam could feel Ronan’s eagerness rise again. Adam mouthed at his throat and felt Ronan shift around, trying to pull him closer but hit his arm on the makeshift table next to the bed. At the sound of his books clattering onto the floor, Adam pulled away as Ronan made a disgruntled noise.

“Jesus,” Ronan groused. “Why is your shit here?”

“I was studying before you came in.” Adam leaned over and picked up whatever he could reach.

“And gave you the best fuck of your life,” Ronan added reasonably as he moved to gather everything else from the floor.

A smile tugged at Adam’s lips but he made a contemplative noise. “Debatable.” He didn’t move fast enough to avoid Ronan’s sharp elbow jabbing into his stomach.

It caught him by surprise when he heard Ronan read aloud, “Astra inclinant, sed non obligant. I didn’t know you were a romantic, Parrish.”

Adam snatched his work out of Ronan’s hands and pushed everything under the bed where they were out of the way. “There’s nothing romantic about it.”

“The stars incline us, they do not bind us,” Ronan translated. “I don’t think there’s anything cheesier than that.”

Dropping back onto his bed, Adam asked, “You sure? What about that time when you told me-” Whatever he was going to say was cut off by Ronan who slapped his hand over his mouth.

“Shut up,” Ronan demanded. The furious way the words sounded would have scared anyone, but Adam only noticed the way his ears turned pink- the slightest indication of a blush.

Adam moved the hand aside, and Ronan didn’t give the slightest bit of resistance. Pushing himself up on one arm, Adam kissed Ronan gently, closing his eyes when he felt those lips part easily. The previous urgency was gone, but Adam did not mind since he could now take his time to memorize this beautiful boy before him.

When they finally pulled apart, Ronan stared at him for a long time before falling back heavily onto the bed. He reached and moved Adam close to his chest. “You should sleep. You’ve got to get to work soon.”

“Not today,” Adam said quietly as he felt Ronan’s fingers run through his hair. “I’m pulling a double shift this weekend instead.”

“Sleep anyway,” Ronan told, and something in his voice made it obvious that he was drifting off himself.

When Adam was sure that Ronan was asleep, he ran through his plan again in his head. When he was certain that he had not left out a single detail, the guilt crept up on him. Adam wondered how two people on the same bed could be so different. Was it simply the way they grew up that made the difference?

When Adam was still a boy in the trailer park without a yard to play in, he used to think that there was something glorious about heroes in mythology. He found some kind of kinship with those men who fought and made a name for themselves with their own labor and blood. He found light in stories like Theseus and the Minotaur, Hercules and the Nemean Lion, Jason and the Golden Fleece… but lying on that bed with Ronan by his side, Adam did not feel as if he could ever be a hero. Right in that moment, Ronan was Troy, and Adam was Paris who was bound to make a stupid mistake and make the whole city burn.

If there was anything that shadowed Adam’s fear of losing Gansey, it was the fear of losing Ronan. He would never tell anyone, but the truth was that he had woken up in cold sweat countless nights with the memory of Ronan convulsing in front of him still lingering in his head. Adam didn’t like keeping secrets from Ronan, but as it was, he would swallow every match in the world just to keep him safe.

So, he buried everything inside him, and became a one-man army yet again.

One day, Adam thought as he traced his fingertips lightly over the other boy’s skin, one day, we’ll be alive and I’ll tell you everything.

When Adam got off work early in the morning, knowing that it would just be him alone in his place, he went straight to the bathroom to scry. He pushed aside the voice in his head that called him paranoid as he locked the door behind him, but he couldn’t risk anyone finding out what he was about to ask Cabeswater. Even though the connection was supposedly between the two of them, somehow, Adam always felt Ronan’s presence and the only explanation he could find was that Ronan had always been in Cabeswater’s favor. It made it difficult to shake off the idea that whatever passed between them would be whispered back to Ronan.

After Cabeswater had shown him the usual flashes, and Adam had deciphered them with Persephone’s tarot cards spread out next to the sink, he felt Cabeswater begin to retreat and he called out, “Wait.”

He was surprised when it did as it was told, but Adam kept his voice even as he asked, “Erimus in debitum. That’s what they said before. You’re in my debt, aren’t you?”

After a long pause, as if Cabeswater didn’t like where this was going, the leaves finally rustled back. “Yes.”

Adam swallowed hard. “I think it’s time to make us even.” When he was sure that Cabeswater was hearing him out, he continued, “Your protection… how you’ve kept me safe… can I pass it to someone else?”

It was quiet again before he heard, “Is that what you want?”

“Please.” The words came out of Adam’s mouth less like a plea and more of a resolution. “Faciam quodlibet quod necesse est.”

I’ll do whatever it takes.

The leaves rustled furiously now. “If this happens, I can no longer keep you safe. Once it has been passed, it cannot be undone.”

“Help me find Glendower,” Adam answered back, “and I’ll tell you when, but keep this between us. Just us.”

Adam sensed Cabeswater’s dissatisfaction but was relieved when it finally agreed. He cut the connection right after. Blinking under the harsh light, Adam reminded himself where he was. It felt as if he had been gone for hours or days. He drained the sink and unlocked the door, only to find Noah right in front of him when he pulled it open.

Adam startled. “God damn it, Noah. Don’t do that!”

The ghostly boy was completely unaffected by his reaction. Instead, he said, “Whatever you’re doing, I don’t like it.”

Adam pulled himself together as best he could and tried to calm the pace of his heart. “I’m not doing anything.”

Noah made a sound that was meant to convey that he didn’t believe it for a second. “This isn’t a game, Adam.”

Adam moved to sit at his desk and Noah followed. “I never said it was,” he answered, softly. “How much do you know?”

Begrudgingly, Noah told, “Not much, but I don’t like it.” He was agitated when he added, “I’ve got a bad feeling.”

For a long while, Adam said nothing. Then, he asked, gently, “Noah, what was it like? When you first knew you were dead.”

Noah rubbed his ruined cheek into his shoulder, and Adam wondered whether he knew he was doing it. In a quiet voice, the boy answered, “I didn’t know at first. I was… I was lost. For a long time. I couldn’t remember my name. I couldn’t…”

Adam looked away when he realized that Noah was about to cry. He was startled when his arm was seized in a cold grip. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Noah repeated again in a whisper, his watery gaze unwavering.

“It’ll be okay,” Adam whispered back, and wished that it was not a lie.

They were going to find Glendower today. Somehow, Adam could feel it in his bones as he breathed in the cold air while he waited for the others by the Pig at Monmouth. He had taken one of the EpiPens from the car, and he felt its weight in his pocket. Adam closed his eyes and recited the words for Glendower’s favor again. It had to work. It had to.

When Adam felt a familiar presence next to him, he asked, “Are you coming with us?”

Noah answered curtly, “No.”

Adam peeled his eyes open to look at him. The boy seemed genuinely upset, and it was all the more evident when he burst out, “None of you ever listen. Why won’t you listen?”

In an attempt to placate him, Adam said, “It’ll work out.”

Noah snapped back, “What if it doesn’t?”

In that moment, Adam figured that Noah knew more than he let on. He looked back at Monmouth, and breathed out, “You’ll watch over them, won’t you?” When he heard no reply, he turned back to the ghostly boy. “Will you watch over Ronan?”

Noah was crying in earnest now. “I won’t promise anything. I won’t do it.”

Adam pressed on. “Ronan will need your help. They’ll need your help. I’ll need it too.”

Noah shook his head and choked out, “No.”

Before Adam could say anything else, he heard his name being called from the upstairs window and he looked up to see Blue waving him in. When he looked over again, Noah was already gone. Adam forced himself to take in a shuddering breath and went inside.

Today, they were going to find Glendower. Adam could feel it in his bones.

“Where are the flashlights? I swear- oh, they’re with you, Jane.” Gansey finally looked up from his rummaging.

“Yeah,” Blue answered, but her mind seemed to be elsewhere. “I’ve been trying to tell you for the past five minutes.”

They were all on the edge as they gathered their equipment from Gansey’s car parked outside an unexplored part of the ley line. Then, they heard the deep rumble of thunder- it was hard to miss. Adam tilted his face toward the dark skies as it started to drizzle. When he looked down again, his eyes caught Blue’s, and he registered the fear in them. Tonight was the night. He was sure of it.

“Let’s move it already,” Ronan grumbled, and it was enough to get Gansey on his feet.

“Alright.” Gansey nodded. “Excelsior.” With that, and with Blue right behind him, the four of them started to move into the woods.

Before Ronan could step in, Adam slid his palm into his. Ronan turned around in surprise, and Adam kissed him before anything could be said.

They were panting lightly when they broke apart. Ronan asked, “What was that for?”

Adam shrugged. “Just wanted to do it. Let’s go, or we’re going to lose them.”

Ronan smirked, but moved to catch up with Gansey and Blue. Adam followed after him in slow steps, leaving a distance between them, but not enough to be noticed.

The further they moved into the woods, the warmer it got and the rain pelted down heavily. Adam felt sweat trickling down his back, and he removed his jacket. The others seemed to have the same idea, and with their coats off, they were just three Aglionby boys and a girl in a lampshade skirt.

When Gansey looked back, he had to shout to be heard over the rain. “Adam, which way do we go?”

Adam relayed the question to Cabeswater. He blinked his eyes open again when the answer came, and as he was certain that no one else had heard, Adam pointed in the other direction. “There,” he answered evenly. “Just keep straight.”

No one doubted Adam for a second, and they started to head the way Adam had indicated. Blue seemed caught up with keeping her eyes trailed on Gansey, even as the boy engaged in a meaningless argument with Ronan. Once Adam decided that no one would notice, he backed away as quietly as possible.

He called on Cabeswater in his mind, reminding it of its promise. A small weight lifted when he heard Cabeswater say, “Dictum meum pactum.”

My word is my bond.

When Adam was far enough, he broke into a run in the direction Cabeswater had told him.

The whole way through, his heart only pounded a single word.

Hurry.

Adam was elbow deep in mud.

Caught up in his search for a grave or a tomb, panic started to build when he found nothing. Then, he saw it- a coffin made of stone. It was covered in inches of dirt, making it easy to miss. In a split second, Adam sprinted forward and he did not allow himself to take in the moment- but this was it. After the long search, Glendower was right here.

Adam pushed at the cover with all his strength, grunting when his footing slipped in the rain. His Aglionby sweater was hopeless by now, but he did not care. His mind only knew the word: Glendower. His muscles ached, and he was exhausted, but still he went on.

Then, it was open.

There Glendower was, swathed in white robes and hands clasped above a sword embedded with colorful gems, and Adam was breathless. As if pulled by an invisible cord, he reached forward, but before he could touch, a memory slammed into his mind. Persephone was sitting across from him at the table in 300 Fox Way, but the look on her face made Adam’s gut churn. The memory was all wrong.

There were two cards before him- the same ones that came up in his reading. The Hanged Man and Nine of Swords. Persephone was calling his name, and he was vaguely aware that he had been staring at them for a long time.

“This is it,” she said, sadly.

“No, it’s not,” Adam answered back, and that was when he realized that he had a card clutched in his palm. Adam did not need to look to know which it was.     

Persephone gazed at him wistfully. Then, she asked, “Is this what you want?”

Adam did not answer. He felt his hands turn cold, and his pulse raced madly. Darkness seemed to sweep across the room, and there was a kind of fury that he had never seen before written all over Persephone’s face. Her angry voice pierced through his skin. “What do you want, Adam? What do you want? Adam. Adam!”

The vision faded, and he realized that there really was someone shouting his name. Adam’s heart slammed wildly in his chest when he looked up and saw Ronan, Gansey, and Blue racing over to him, footsteps careless in the rain. He caught a flicker in the corner of his eye before it disappeared- Noah had told.

Adam was running out of time. He couldn’t risk Gansey being the one to wake Glendower and have the favor go to waste. It had to be done right. So, Adam reached forward and clutched onto Glendower’s wrist. He could no longer hear the rain or the others’ screams. It was going to work. It really was going to work.

Wake up.

Suddenly, an invisible force threw all of them backward. Adam did not have the time to cry out in pain when he cracked his head against the ground. Right before his eyes, Glendower shot up into the dark sky, mouth parted in a silent scream as a blinding white light grew around him.

Adam quickly got onto his knees and ignored the blood running down his face. He was spiraling into a panic, and he couldn’t think. He scrambled for a single coherent thought, but the practiced words for the favor remained elusive to him. So, Adam held onto the only thing that mattered: Save Gansey.

Holding his breath as the light grew brighter, Adam barely registered Ronan screaming at him from a distance. All of a sudden, hundreds of ravens shot forward to where Glendower was levitated in the sky. The trees sang with the wild rustling of leaves: Rex Corvus, parate Regis Corvi.

The Raven King, make way for the Raven King.

Then, nothing.

The light faded, and Glendower was gone. The ravens had disappeared into the night, and there was complete silence in the woods. Adam concentrated on his ragged breathing as he looked over to where the others were crouched on the ground. The looks in their eyes were too much to bear, and Adam was too caught up in his fear to find his voice. Something told him that this was just the beginning, and he wasn’t even sure whether it had worked- whether Glendower heard him… whether the favor was even a real thing. Ronan looked as if he was about to yell something particularly furious, but before he could, they heard it.

There was the unmistakable beating of wings.

Turning to the same direction the ravens had come from, Adam’s heart stopped when he saw what was racing toward them, and he barely had time to yell, “Get down!” Throwing himself into the dirt, he dragged his sweater over his head as thousands of hornets flew at them.

It was not supposed to go this way.

This was not supposed to happen.

Adam felt stings where his hands were exposed, but he was mostly left alone. His breath caught in his throat as he begged to whoever was willing to listen for Gansey’s life. It seemed to take forever before the quiet fell over them like a blanket, then came Blue’s sudden cry which sounded like the crack of a gunshot.

Shakily, Adam got onto his feet but they refused to move when he saw what was in front of him. Blue had Gansey’s head in her lap as he shook, and she was sobbing as she stroked his face. Ronan was kneeling next to him, face wrought in pain and anger. A branch snapped when Adam finally made himself step forward, turning Blue and Ronan’s attention to him. Blue looked nothing but shocked, and Ronan shot venomously, “Are you happy now, Adam? Is this what you wanted?”

They might have seen different things in the vision tree, but this was Adam’s coming true.

At the back of his mind, he heard Persephone whisper, “Outside yourself,” and he did as he was told. Adam clenched his hands into fists, nails digging into the skin, and reminded himself that this was real. He raced over to them, and when he was crouched over Gansey, his world narrowed down to his friend. Adam drew the EpiPen from his pocket and stabbed it into Gansey’s thigh.

He did not stop convulsing.

“Gansey,” Blue sobbed weakly. Ronan swore but the way his voice cracked betrayed his misery. Still, Adam only kept his eyes on his best friend.

The convulsion stopped suddenly, and they all watched as Gansey drew his last breath. His chest no longer heaved. His heart had stopped.

As Blue and Ronan were thrown into frenzy, Adam turned to logic. His mind supplied one word: resuscitation. Adam recalled everything that he had researched on for the past month. Chest compressions. Rescue breaths. He kept his hands steady even as he felt eyes on him.

One minute passed.

Adam blocked out the cries and kept going.

Another minute passed.

Then, Gansey gasped.

Blue clutched onto Gansey’s hand, and words seemed lost to her from how hard she was crying. Ronan was staring as Gansey coughed as he dragged air into his lungs, but his hands trembled. Adam resisted the urge to faint as he sat back, caught up in adrenaline and relief.

It worked.

It really worked.

It took a second for everything to crash down on him, and when Adam finally took in everything that happened, he felt as if he was going to be sick. His legs felt weak as he pushed himself up and put a distance between him and the others. Adam squeezed his eyes shut and clutched onto his belly as he willed the nausea to fade.

“Adam,” he heard Ronan call, and looked up to see the boy standing right next to him. There was a scratch on Ronan’s cheek and he was covered in dirt, but Adam still thought that he was the best thing that he had ever seen. “You crazy bastard,” Ronan said softly. Adam smiled weakly at him.

Then, the ground started to shake. A violent wind swept across the space, and Adam saw Blue holding onto Gansey tightly as she yelled something at them. Even if he had perfect hearing, Adam still wouldn’t have known what she was saying. He stumbled on his feet, and he felt Ronan try to steady him but his grip slipped. The trees were ripped from the ground, and the force of the wind broke them into pieces.

To Adam’s horror, he watched as they flew toward him and Ronan. There it was- the swinging blade.

Adam did not have to think before he called on Cabeswater. Now, he commanded.

He didn’t feel its protection leave him, only knowing that it had when the blasted trees flew away from Ronan as if there was a force surrounding him. Before Adam could allow himself to be relieved, he felt a stab in his abdomen as he was thrown backward. Small and big fragments of trees scratched at his skin while Adam tried to catch his breath- he couldn’t.

He could only focus on the pain right below his chest, and he felt his strength seep out of him. Adam didn’t realize that it had stopped and he had drifted until he woke with his face in Ronan’s grasp. “Jesus Christ, Adam,” he heard Ronan breathe out shakily.

Then, Blue was there. “You’re going to be alright. It’s going to be alright.” If that was true, Adam wondered why she looked so sad. He lifted his head slightly and saw that a large bark had run through his body. Detachedly, Adam figured that the pain made sense. When he dropped his head back down onto the soft dirt, he couldn’t help but cry out in pain.

“Don’t fucking move,” Ronan shot furiously. “I have to stop the bleeding. How do I get this fucking thing out? Jesus, why is there so much blood?”

This was the first time Ronan ever rambled, but Adam could barely concentrate on the words. Turning his head to the side, he wasn’t surprised when he saw Noah. Adam couldn’t stop the tears trickling down the side of his face as he tried to smile. “Nice to see you here.”

Noah shook his head, then, he whispered, “You’re dying.”

“Shut the fuck up, Noah,” Ronan yelled. His face was wet and it had nothing to do with the rain. “I just need to stop the bleeding. You’re not going anywhere, Parrish. You hear me?”

As Adam kept his eyes on Noah’s, he knew which boy would turn out right. “Blue,” he called weakly, and her face immediately filled his vision. “Gansey?”

“He’s right over there," she told him. "He’s okay.”

A weight lifted off Adam’s chest, and he put in all his effort to hold onto Ronan’s arm. He knew it would be useless to tell Ronan to stop, so what he said instead was, “Come here.” He was relieved when Ronan did. Adam wanted Ronan to be the last thing he saw. “Cabeswater will keep you safe.”

Ronan’s face was miserable when he said, “I don’t fucking want to be safe. I want you.”

Adam tried to shake his head, but he wasn’t sure if he did since numbness was beginning to spread through his body. “I’m glad it was you,” he whispered.

“Don’t,” Ronan bit out.

The leaves rustled and Adam could barely make out what was trying to be said. The look on Ronan’s face told him that no one else had heard, but the ghostly hand which moved to grasp onto his sweater said otherwise.

Noah’s voice was urgent by his ear. “Your name is Adam Parrish. Don’t forget that. You’re Adam Parrish.”

It would be a lie to say that he was not afraid, but if this was what it took to keep the others alive, there wasn’t any other way Adam wanted to go. His eyes were drifting shut even as he tried to keep them on Ronan.

Adam Parrish died at eighteen years old on a Thursday in the month of February. The last words to make it past his lips were, “Dream of me.”

Impossibly, the world kept on spinning.

Ronan Lynch woke up in the middle of an empty street with a splitting headache. He could not remember how he got there, but he didn’t care enough to find out. There was complete silence in his head as he made his way back to Monmouth, then he remembered that he had finished his last bottle of Jack. So, he turned around and made his way to the store instead.

It had been two months since the funeral. Two months since they laid Adam next to Noah on the ley line, and still, there was nothing.

Everything seemed like a blur, and sometimes, Ronan had to remind himself to move. But his head was quiet, just the way he wanted it to be. Cabeswater knew better than to reach out to him anymore, after the way he had very emphatically told it to go fuck itself- as if he was going to be its hands when it couldn’t even tell him where Adam was. No fucking way.

Ronan didn’t know it to be possible, but sleep became even more foreign to him.

Most of all, Ronan no longer dreamed.

“Declan called last night,” Matthew suddenly said.

Ronan tried to look at his brother but the lights seemed too bright at Nino’s, so he kept his eyes on the plate of fries in front of him. His voice was hoarse when he asked, “What did he want?”

Matthew shrugged. “Just to catch up. He wants to see you.”

Ronan snorted. Then, he thought that maybe a good fight would be nice- if nice was the word for it.

“He’s driving down for Sunday Mass,” Matthew added.

Letting out a non-committal grunt, Ronan leaned back in his chair and finally looked at his brother. “What did you tell him?”

The sadness in Matthew’s eyes forced Ronan to turn away. “I told him you don’t go to church anymore.”

Before Matthew could say it, Ronan gritted out, “Don’t.”

Regardless, his brother asked the same question he always did: “Are you okay?”

Lifting his gaze, Ronan wished his eyes weren’t as dead as he knew they were. It would have made it easier to lie. But Ronan Lynch was not a liar, so he answered with the only thing he knew was true: “I don’t know.”

Ronan fell asleep on his own bed with his hand loose around the neck of a bottle. For the first time in months, he dreamt.

He was still in his own room, and he knew it was a dream because the sky outside his window was cerulean but there was a full moon in the midst of it. On his desk, his phone started to ring, and he moved toward it cautiously. He rarely answered his phone when he was awake, and he was tempted not to in this dream, but the way it trilled pulled him in.

This had never happened before.

Ronan’s guard was up when he finally answered the call. He demanded, “Who’s this?”

Only static noises crackling on the other end could be heard, and Ronan was about to put the phone down when the voice came through: “Ronan?”

His body was a live wire. His voice was urgent when he answered back, “Adam?” His hands trembled but he couldn’t care to make them stop. “Adam, where are you?”

There were more static noises, then, “I don’t know,” he heard Adam reply, more exasperated than scared. “It’s easy to get lost in the woods.”

“Then stay right there.” Ronan’s grip tightened on the phone. “I’ll come find you.”

“Wait.” Adam’s voice was weak, and Ronan had to press the phone closer just to hear him say, “I wanted to tell you… Ronan, you have to let me go.”

The reaction was instinctive. “No fucking way, Parrish.”

Adam answered with unbearable sadness, “I don’t know where I am. There might not be a way.”

In a moment of raw honesty, Ronan choked out, “Adam, I’ll spend the rest of my life looking for you if I have to.”

Ronan clenched his hands into fists as he listened to more static noises before Adam finally said, “You’re a stubborn bastard, aren’t you?”

Ronan’s chest started to hurt, and he couldn’t decide on what to say: I miss you. I hate you. I love you.

He didn’t realize that he was quiet for too long until Adam called out frantically, “Hello? Hello?”

His voice was rough when he answered back, “Yeah?”

Adam’s relief was palpable when he said, “Oh, thank god. I thought I lost you.”

Ronan was jerked awake immediately after, and when he took in the darkness in his room, he started to cry. For the first time in a long time, he was inconsolable. The last time he choked on his sobs and gasped this desperately for air, his father had died. Now, Ronan clawed at the sheets and tried to make himself stop, but that only seemed to make it worse. In this moment, he was nothing but a boy- so young and lost.

He didn’t notice Gansey barging into his room. Neither did he notice those arms around him which were meant to be reassuring. Ronan Lynch only knew that he was clutching onto a phone plucked out of his dream but would never work, and he let himself bleed like an open wound.

The day after, Ronan drove out to Cabeswater to make a deal. He would be its hands, and he would be its eyes, as long as it helped him find Adam. With his voice as firm as steel, Ronan said, “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.”

I will either find a way or make one.

Satisfied with Cabeswater’s answer, Ronan went back to Monmouth. Before the door could slam against the wall from his force, he caught sight of Blue and Gansey kissing in the middle of the room. They jumped apart at the sound, panic written all over them. Gansey looked as if he was going to explain, but Ronan did not care for it. He knew this was going to happen. No one had to make a big deal out of it.

Instead, Ronan marched straight to his room and kicked his door shut. He fell into his bed and it didn’t take long for him to fall into deep slumber.

He was lying on his back in front of the fireplace in the Barns when he heard the voice. “Hey.”

Ronan couldn’t stop the smile spreading across his face. Turning to his side, he looked at Adam and answered just as quietly, “Hey.”

Backroom deals happened more frequently at Aglionby than anyone would think. If you needed answers to a test, you just had to say which class it was. If drugs were what you were looking for, all you had to do was name your poison. It was simple if you knew who to look for, and Ronan knew well enough.

With bottles of sleeping pills stashed under his bed, Ronan slept most days away. Gansey tried talking to him about it, but it was hard to make conversation when the other person wasn’t awake.

One night, sitting next to Adam on the hood of his car, the forbidden idea of bringing this Adam back to the real world with him crossed his mind. As if hearing his thought, Adam said, “Don’t do it. Not like this.”

Ronan knew he was right, but it didn’t stop his heart from clenching as he answered, “Okay.”

Light slanted into his room from the window, and Ronan felt it along his back as he moved to kiss Adam’s shoulder.

“I graduated today,” Ronan told Adam.

He felt the boy stiffen before saying, “Congratulations.”

Lifting his head to look Adam in the eyes, Ronan shrugged. “Should have been you.”

Tension seemed to seep as Adam smiled. “It doesn’t matter.”

Ronan leaned forward to kiss the corner of his lips. “I’ll find you,” he promised.

“Maybe.” After a pause, Adam asked, “Is it already June?”

“Yeah.” Ronan pressed his lips to Adam’s jaw.

“I’ve been seeing you a lot, haven’t I?”

This time, there was no reply.

Ronan knew he couldn’t avoid Adam’s question forever. The next few times he fell into his dreams, they always ended up fighting.

The way Ronan refused to answer was telling enough. He spent more time being asleep than he did in the waking world. Even when he was awake, Ronan haunted Cabeswater, lost in a ghost-chase. This made Adam furious, which in turn angered Ronan.

When Ronan snapped awake after their sixth fight, his blood was simmering under his skin. If Adam didn’t want him, then he didn’t need Adam either. Ronan sped his way downtown where his knew routine street racers loitered, and his night was split between being behind the wheel and downing a bottle of vodka.

As Ronan’s head buzzed with a familiar high, he noticed how the guy in the white t-shirt was staring at him. It took one look for Ronan to figure out that White T-shirt was from a public school. Maybe Blue even knew him. Ronan daringly returned his gaze, and was satisfied when he caught the other boy staring at his lips.

Next thing Ronan knew, he was in a back alley, shoving White T-shirt against the brick wall, kissing him. None of this reminded him of Adam, but it didn’t matter because Ronan was chasing after the remains of Kavinsky. He wanted to shatter. He wanted to burn.

He wanted to die.

The thought reeled Ronan back to reality, and he stepped away shakily from White T-shirt. The boy did not seem to understand and he reached to pull Ronan back to him, but Ronan shoved him away. “Get away from me.”

White T-shirt was surprised at first, then, his face twisted with ugliness. “Fuck you too.”

Ronan couldn’t care less about him as he headed back to his car. He knew he shouldn’t be driving, but he was desperate to get away. In his haze, he found himself at the closest place he could find, and the last place he wanted to be.

Ronan wasn’t thinking as he pushed the door open and stepped into the church. His eyes were fixed on the statue of Mary. Stopping right in front of it, Ronan’s legs gave up on him and he fell to his knees. Exhaustion overcame him, and he dropped gracelessly to his side on the cold, hard floor.

He barely realized that he had been crying. Ronan didn’t move when Noah appeared, crouching next to him alike the many times he had passed out in strange places. When Ronan didn’t tell him to fuck off like he usually did, Noah seemed to understand that this wasn’t like the other times.

Ronan wanted to tell him that he didn’t need any sympathy, but what the ghostly boy said instead was, “We’ll find him together.”

After a prolonged pause, Ronan asked, voice cracking, “Do you promise?”

Touching his head lightly as a mother would to a child, Noah answered, “I promise.”

The next time Ronan dreamt, they were in the wide backyard of the Barns. Adam was warm next to him, and there seemed to be an understanding between them that weapons in the form of vicious words were no longer needed.

Ronan didn’t care that there was something petulant in the way he pressed his face into the crook of Adam’s neck, leaving streaks of tears across the skin. His voice was muffled when he said, “Why is it always so hard to keep you by my side?”

Adam pressed his lips to Ronan’s forehead gently. “I’m always by your side.”

As they lay there, heart and soul bare, reveling in the simple act of breathing each other in, Ronan screwed his eyes shut- but he knew it was time. It was always time.

Very softly, Adam whispered into his ear, “Now, wake up.”

One day, Ronan took a break from his search in Cabeswater to visit his mother. At twenty-two, he felt much older than he should, and he knew she was thinking the same thing.

Before he left, Aurora Lynch told him, “It pains me to see this sadness in you."

Ronan had no words to comfort her, so he simply kissed her on the cheek.

That night, he told Adam what he always did: “I’ll find you.”

As always, the answer he got in return was, “Maybe.”

At twenty-four, Ronan Lynch found himself in a suit.

The theme of Blue and Gansey’s wedding was white and gold, but Ronan insisted on dressing in all black since it was bad enough that being best man meant the suit was inevitable and apparently bringing Chainsaw with him was considered uncivilized. It was obvious that he was not the only one who decided to rebel as most of Blue’s relatives came in different variations of bright and loud colors.

At the reception, Ronan finally had enough of Gansey’s uneasy glances, and he punched him in the arm. “About time, man.”

Gansey laughed and dipped his chin to his chest. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life.”

Blue saved Ronan from answering by sweeping him to the dance floor. She was already breathless when she said, “Show me what you’ve got.”

On a normal day, Ronan would have walked away. But the brightness in her eyes reminded him that this was not, in fact, a normal day. So, they poorly attempted at a foxtrot, drawing a laugh from him as they stumbled into each other again and again.

When the number finally ended, Blue suddenly seized him in her arms. Ronan froze before he said, “Don’t give the others any ideas, maggot.”

“Shut up,” Blue mumbled, and the air around them was heavy with what was left unsaid.

When he was finally released from Blue’s grip, Ronan stepped outside, desperate for fresh air. He barely startled when he heard Calla’s voice: “Too much, huh?”

Ronan looked over to watch her take a drag of her cigarette, her green dress stood out even in the dark. He shook his head when Calla offered the cigarette to him, and she shrugged nonchalantly.

For a while, they just stood there, looking out at the far away mountains as music and laughter drifted over them. Then, it started to rain.

Calla clucked her tongue. “Is this you?”

“No,” Ronan answered. He didn’t tell her that he thought it might be Adam.

The door opened behind him and Noah was there. He smiled awkwardly at Calla, then turned to Ronan and asked, “You ready to go?”

It seemed as if the night was too much for more than just Ronan. Nodding his head, he walked to his car with Noah on his trail. Before he pulled open the door, he closed his eyes and lifted his face to the rain.

Noah called, “Ronan?”

“Right here,” he answered. “I’m right here.”

One hand latched onto the other. “I’ll find you.”

The fingers tightened. “I know you will.”

Walking out of Cabeswater, Ronan found Noah waiting by his car. He was beaming excitably as he told, “We’ve been trying to call you!”

Ronan shrugged and got a towel from the front seat to wipe away the dirt on his hands. “You know I don’t answer my phone. Wouldn’t have heard it in Cabeswater anyway.”

Unbothered, Noah was practically bouncing as he announced, “It’s a boy!”

Ronan reeled back. “No way. When?”

“A few hours ago. They want to see you,” Noah told.

Throwing the towel back in his car, Ronan settled in the driver’s seat and said, “Let’s go.”

It took fifteen minutes to get to the hospital, and Ronan would admit that he had been speeding. Following Noah to the right room, he found a tired-looking Blue on the hospital bed with a proud-looking Gansey standing right next to her. In her arms was a tiny bundle of white.

Ronan couldn’t help but grin savagely. “You wanted it to be a surprise and here we have Dick Gansey the Fourth.”

Blue groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

Gansey’s mood was not dampened. “The name’s tradition.”

“Sometimes, tradition is meant to be broken,” Blue said, but it was without any heat. It was obvious that she was perfectly content.

Ronan leaned forward to look at the baby properly, and Blue asked, “Do you want to hold him?”

“Fuck no,” Ronan answered, prompting Gansey to cover those innocent ears with a horrified expression.

In the silence, their attention was caught on the tiny bundle, whose little fists punched the air. Then, Gansey cleared his throat. “Well, we did get to choose his middle name.”

Ronan glanced at the ghostly boy in the corner and said, “Is Noah’s dream coming true then?” He smirked when the boy rolled his eyes as he flipped him off.

“Adam,” Blue suddenly said. When Ronan finally made himself look at her, her eyes were wet and Gansey seemed nervous. “We’re calling him Adam.”

Ronan wanted it to not hurt, but it fucking did. As he stepped back to leave, Gansey called after him in an anxious voice, and Ronan had to let them know that he wasn’t mad, so he told them, “It’s fine.” Really, it was- but it still hurt like hell.

He drove to the Barns, and he was relieved that Noah knew well enough to leave him alone. Ronan made his way to the couch without turning on any of the lights, and he dropped heavily onto it.

That night he didn’t dream.

There was a strange look on his mother’s face when Ronan visited her at twenty-six. Aurora Lynch smiled and petted his hand before she said, “You’re close.”

Ronan’s heart seized even as he tried to keep his cool exterior. “Yeah?”

Her eyes were distant as she answered, “Things feel different. I can’t be wrong.”

One thing Ronan knew, and would forever be thankful for, was that Aurora Lynch was never wrong.

“Hey,” Ronan breathed out, heart on his sleeve, as he took in the figure before him.

Adam Parrish smiled and Ronan’s world was shifted the right way again.

“You found me.”