Work Text:
It had been no less then a week since his fight alongside Akutagawa against Ivan, and so his paperwork for the mission was due. How come Akutagawa didn’t have to do any he didn’t know, but it didn’t matter since he was all done. He left the report for Kunikida to deal with and was about to retreat to his dormitory when Kunikida called for him.
What now? He thought to himself. The longing of just flopping down onto his futon and sleeping away ached at him but he still went back to Kunikida nonetheless.
“Atsushi.” Kunikida said is a firm voice, “I see you have written up your report for the recent mission, so I would like to ask, what the hell do you mean Akutagawa rode you?”
The room goes silent, everyone who was quietly working away at their desks stopped to turn and look at him. Even Dazai had awoken from his slumber upon hearing the words spoken form Kunikida’s mouth.
”Well uh, he rode me. That’s all. If he hadn’t have then we wouldn’t have been able to catch the cannibalism ability user.”
More silence, well as silent as you can get with Dazai stifling his laughter behind his sleeves (very badly). He whipped out his phone and called someone, not specifying who and asked in between giggles, “So Atsushi, how was it when Akutagawa rode you?”
”It was awful! Honestly all he did was sit on me and moan. He kept telling me to go harder and faster while pulling my hair and I was exhausted after. He kept acting like I didn’t know what to do at all!”
Chaos ensues. Yosano is hollering on the floor, Tanizaki and Naomi are crying laughing, Ranpo is giggling while stuffing his face with popcorn and the shocked look on Kunikida ‘s face is priceless. “YOU DID WHAT WITH HIM?! ON A MISSION?? TO CATCH THE ENEMY?!” he screams.
Meanwhile Dazai is yelling into the phone to someone saying, “YOU HEAR THAT? YOU HEAR THAT? OUR PLAN WORKED HAT RACK! THEY FUCKED! THEY FUCKED! BAHAHAHAHAA AND HE WROTE ABOUT IT IN HIS GODDAMN REPORT TOO!”
“WAIT REALLY?! FUCKING FINALLY MAN.” a voice yells back.
“Who fucked who?!” Atsushi asked, not putting two and two together.
“That is what I would like to know. Nakajima.”
The room goes silent as the ADA president walks in, demanding to know what is going on.
It was a peaceful day at the Port Mafia headquarters, the Black Lizard were resting up after a long day at work when a certain red-head burst through the door screaming,
”AKUTAGAWA DID YOU FUCK THE WERETIGER?!”
Everyone stopped at turned to see a bright red flood Akutagawa’s face at Chuuya’s accusation.
”WHAT? NO OF COURSE NOT!” he stammered, but the PM executive was not convinced.
”YOU CAN’T DENY IT! THE WERETIGER ADMITTED TO IT HIMSELF! DAZAI TOLD ME THAT HE SAID YOU RODE HIM ON A FUCKING MISSION?!”
The room goes silent. Hirostu chokes on the tea he was drinking, Higuchi was freaking out and Gin handed a note to Tachihara saying:
They fucked, you owe me 500 yen >:)
(they had made bets as to which pairs would take it to bed)
”I rode him yes, to catch the ability user responsible for the cannibalism I had to.” Akutagawa replied as calmly as he could.
”WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘TO CATCH THE ABILITY USER’?! HOW DOES PUTTING HIS DICK IN YOU HELP CATCH HIM?!”
Suddenly Kouyou burst in with Elise and Yumeno behind her giggling. “What on earth is going on?! Akutagawa sleeping with the weretiger?!” And everyone erupts into laughter, rolling on the floor and in tears, while Chuuya is yelling down the phone at Dazai after the mackerel made a ‘they’re just like us fr’ joke.
Unlike Atsushi, Akutagawa manages to put two and two together, realises what’s going on and yells, “WAIT NO YOU’VE GOT IT ALL WRONG I CAN EXPLAIN-“
”I sure hope you can.” The voice of the PM leader silences everyone as M*ri steps into the room, phone in his hand and on speaker as he was on call to Fukuzawa.
“Atsushi, is it true that you had intercourse with the Port Mafia’s rabid dog during a vital mission?” Fukuzawa asked, with a straight face.
”N-no I’m telling you right now he only rode me nothing else!”
The silence was broken by Dazai erupting into laughter once me, unable to hold it in.
”Well Mori, what does Akutagawa have to say about this?” Fukuzawa sighed into his phone as it was quite clear from Atsushi’s red face that a clear answer would not be provided.
”Akutagawa? What do you have to say about this, er, situation?” Mori inquired to his subordinate. He was quite shocked to hear about this predicament from a phone call from Fukuzawa. Sure, he had seen it coming (he learnt not to be all that suprised due to soukoku) but in such a manner? Unheard of.
The tension in the PM headquarters was thick enough to slice with a knife as everyone waited on Akutagawa’s answer. Instead, they were greeted with a whole ass coughing attack from the sick man. “AKUTAGAWA-SENPAI!!” Higuchi yelled as he spat out blood and collapsed onto the floor.
“Well Mori?” Fukuzawa could be heard asking from the phone, “What did he say?”
”I don’t think we’ll get an answer out of him for a while now.” He sighed, “Well then, lets get going Elise-chaan~“
”Really? Right now Rintarou?!”
”Mhm! I have some new dresses for yoouuu~” he dragged her out of the room to his office, hanging up on Fukuzawa, not giving the situation another thought.
Meanwhile at the agency, Dazai was rolling on the floor after hearing what happened after Mori hung up via Chuuya (Tachihara was forced to give Gin her 500 yen, Akutagawa had woken up and tried to explain what had really happened but failed, Hirostu and Kouyou were lecturing Akutagawa about having safe sex and Higuchi had fainted for whatever reason) and Kunikida was severely scolding Atsushi about the dangers of doing it out in the open AND for writing about it in his work report, Yosano was preparing to give him ‘the talk’ (with a chart that she had prepared for kenji along the line but figured she needed it now) and Ranpo had since high tailed out of there with Poe, who stopped by amid the chaos to deliver his new novel. Only after Kunikida had scolded did Atsushi realise how what he had said had come across as and he eventually explained to Fukuzawa what he had actually meant with a red face. The President’s response was a simple “Ah, so that’s what it was.” before telling everyone to have the rest of the day off to cool down from the excitement.
Later in the evening Atsushi received a very angry message from Akutagawa (who had just been suffering through a very long talk with Mori about these things after enduring an even longer talk with Hirostu and Kouyou) that went a little something like this:
> Akutagawa : JINKO WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING THE AGENCY ABOUT US
> Akutagawa : WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE THINK WE FUCKED?!
> Akutagawa : ANSWER ME YOU FOOL
> Akutagawa : IM GONNA TO TURN YOU INTO A GODDAMN TIGER RUG AND SELL U AS EXOTIC MEAT ON THE BLACK MARKET
WOAH WOAH CALM DOWN MAN : Atsushi <
IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE YOU REALLY THINK I WANT EVERYONE TO THINK WE FUCK?!: Atsushi <
LISTEN IM SORRY ALRIGHT ITS NOT MY FAULT I NEVER LEARNT ABOUT *THAT* : Atsushi <
> Akutagawa : You owe me one.
WHAT? BUT YOU DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING : Atsushi <
> Akutagawa: Do you want me to put you into a zoo?
FINE. Fine, whatever : Atsushi <
After that conversation Atsushi was forced to buy Akutagawa lunch lest he want to be turned into a tiger rug.
BONUS KYOUKEN ^^
”Hey Kenji?”
”Yeah? What’s up Kyo?”
”Why is everyone laughing?”
”Dunno. Wanna go look after the cows with me? They seemed to like you last time!”
”Ok! :)”
”Woohoo! Lets go!”
They had a wonderful time looking after the cows together and Kyouka was pretty good at helping Kenji feed them.