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The truth of the matter is, that Peter does not have the best track record when it comes to parental units. And logically, he knows this isn’t his fault directly. He’s not doing anything to make it happen, but he’s also not doing enough to stop it from happening.
After his parents die, he spirals headfirst into separation anxiety. He doesn’t know exactly what that is, but he knows he can’t let Ben or May leave his site for any reason. He clings to them, holds both of their hands at all times, and sits so close he’s basically in their laps. Refuses to even consider letting both of them leave him for more than a few minutes each day. Sleeps between the two of them each night, one tiny fist wrapped around Ben’s shirt, the other curled in May’s hair.
The risk, to his little seven year old mind, was too high not to.
And then things get better. Therapy helps, and so does meeting Ned. He goes to school, they go back to work and while the panic never truly goes away, it lessens just enough. Things become tolerable again, even with the fear of losing them sitting inches below his skin.
He begins to trust the universe will help keep Ben and May safe, and that nothing bad will ever happen again.
Until it does.
Losing Ben was the single worst experience in Peter’s life. He’s unable to breathe if May isn’t by his side anymore. His mind blanks out, anxiety drowns him and all he can do is cry and beg for her not to leave him. May obliges, maybe out of her fear, but she clings back to Peter just as hard. Despite being 12 years old, he sleeps next to her each night, hand curled around her hair once more.
He spends all his time begging the universe to keep May safe, praying and hoping he can protect her. He’s got these powers now and he did nothing to keep Ben safe, he’s never making that mistake again. It’s hard to even think about a world without May in it, sometimes too scared to even blink and risk losing her.
It slowly gets better, more therapy helps, and so does Ned yet again but he’s made peace with his anxiety now. Knows it will never, ever go away and he doesn't want it to. Needs to remember if he isn’t protecting May, then he’s already failing her. When Mr. Stark shows up and needs Peter to save the world, it’s the first time in years he’s going to be away from May for more than a single night. He barely makes it, sits silently through a few panic attacks, but comes out the other end.
Reminds himself that he’s becoming a superhero so he can better protect May. So he can better protect others from being like him. Somehow without knowing, Mr. Stark helps a little with that too, puts his faith in Peter and despite the rocky start, takes an interest and brings Peter into his life.
So it was only a matter of time before things go wrong again.
-
He’s sitting in the lab, as Mr. Stark applies a small butterfly bandage to a bullet graze on his shoulder. “You’ve gotta cut this near miss stuff out kid, you know I’ve got a heart condition.”
The sentence slams into him like a freight train steals the breath from his lungs and pushes him under water once more. He should know better, of course, Mr. Stark has a heart condition. And if Peter does something stupid to make him have a heart attack… he’s never going to forgive himself. At that moment, as Mr. Stark rambles on, obviously, he knows the next logical step was to make sure Mr. Stark’s going to stay safe and alive.
He gets a little obsessive about it, mostly because Mr. Stark does not lead a very safe lifestyle. He knows May doesn’t put herself in danger, he can accept that but Mr. Stark does it all the time. He’s at a much higher risk of suddenly dying and Peter can’t risk that ever happening.
He becomes in tune with the unique pattern of Mr. Stark's heart, always keeping an ear out for it when they’re together. He hacks into FRIDAY and makes the AI keep him updated on Mr. Stark’s general health without letting the man know. And most importantly he stops patrolling as much, keeps it to just helping cats and tourists, and stays out of trouble no matter how much trouble calls him.
Peter doesn’t know what’s worse, not helping those who need it or risking something happening to Mr. Stark because of it.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Mr. Stark asks him one night in the lab. He hasn’t gone out patrolling in almost two weeks, instead comes to the Tower after school and stays until curfew. “You haven’t been patrolling in a while.”
“I’m fine,” Peter lies, watching as Mr. Stark drinks another from his mug. He’s started to bring Mr. Stark water every once in a while, food too, obsessively making sure he’s eating and drinking enough. “I’ve been busy with homework and I want to get this new web fluid just right before I go out.”
Tony doesn’t seem to buy it, or at least, not the way he looks at Peter. “Hmm,” he hums, his heart rhythm picks up just a little and Peter nearly topples off the bench. “Well, if something is up…”
“No nothing,” Peter lies again, desperate not to upset Mr. Stark anymore. “Are you hungry? Shouldn’t we eat dinner now?”
Tony looks confused but nods. “Yeah sure, pizza?”
“Oh, uh, no, is um, subs okay? I don’t have a taste for pizza.” Peter’s always got a taste for pizza, but he doesn’t want Mr. Stark to have any. He’s got to keep his mentor as healthy as he can be.
That looks like it really confuses Tony, he presses his lips together, clearly trying to figure out what's wrong with him. “Okay,” he finally says, his heart slowing back down, as relief washes over Peter. “That’s fine.”
-
He finally goes out on patrol a week later, just to avoid suspicion. He’s got FRIDAY updating him on Mr. Stark’s health throughout the night, a small section of his HUD now shows the familiar and safe rhythm of his heart and he has half a mind to find a way to get May’s too, and maybe even Ned’s. If their hearts are beating, Peter knows they are safe.
He stays on the streets, helping someone move a couch up 12 flights of stairs, gives directions to a Canadian couple who are looking for Time’s Square, and finally, heads back before his curfew even hits.
May’s a little surprised to see him, raises her eyebrow when he leaves his room to sit with her. “Everything okay?”
“Yes,” he continues to lie. “Can I just be with you?”
“Of course, you can, baby.”
She makes room for him on the couch, but Peter stays close and presses himself up to her side. He hasn't been as vigilant with her lately and feels terrible about it. All this time staying at the lab, he needs to make sure he’s still keeping her safe. “Is something wrong, Petey?” she asks again because May has always been able to read him.
“Miss you lately,” he says, partially true. His head rests on her shoulder, she brings her arm around and pulls him just a little closer.
“Hmm, I notice you’ve been going to the Tower a lot lately.”
Peter nods against her shoulder, her hair tickling his face. He’s pretty sure May realizes what might be happening, she’s seen the signs in him before. He recognizes how antsy he’s been feeling, and knows the worried look he gets when he’s anxious about being apart.
“You know, both Tony and I are okay, right? Tony, especially, can take care of himself.”
“I know,” he says softly. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine sweetie, I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. Maybe we should call your therapist again? Or we have some of the anxiety mediation left.”
Peter bites his lip, almost hard enough to draw blood. The truth is since the spider bite his anxiety medication hasn't worked. After Ben dies, he gets it and tries to take it but it doesn’t work the same way it had in the past. Logically he knows he should tell May or Mr. Stark but that’s another thing to make them worry about. He’s okay without it, there’s no need.
“I’m okay, I promise.”
May hums, rubs his arm up and down, the way she did when he was a clingy little kid. “Let me know when you aren’t, Peter. There’s no shame in needing help.”
She presses a kiss to the top of his head, it only makes him hold on tighter.
-
Things get worse.
Time spent away from Mr. Stark or May becomes unbearable. He feels like he’s spending those hours in a constant state of vigilance. No matter how little the problem, it grabs hold of him and squeezes. He’s drowning, stuck under the water, and can't pull himself up to shore. He struggles with leaving for school, his body shakes as he gets on the bus, it’s only slightly better once he can text May, asking to make sure she’s okay.
He messes with the nice watch Mr. Stark had given him, makes it beat out the rhythm of Mr. Stark’s heart against his skin. He can’t breathe without it, can’t focus if he doesn’t feel it. If May doesn’t respond to the texts within 10 minutes, he panics, calls her, and counts the seconds til she answers.
May’s worried, as she should be. Ned’s worried too, hovering so close to Peter, that there’s barely an inch between them. He tries to assure her, that it’s just an episode, that he’s just paranoid but it’s becoming increasingly clear keeping things together is becoming unattainable.
And then it happens. Just like Peter knows it would.
He’s in Geometry, the feeling of Mr. Stark’s heartbeat increases and he immediately grabs for his phone. He’s opening the news, when a text comes in, from May. There’s some kind of attack happening downtown. She tells him not to worry, that she’s safe but that hardly matters. As Mr. Stark’s heartbeat increases, Peter’s goes through the roof. He’s shaking so hard, that he drops the phone with a thud on his desk, interrupting his teacher’s lesson.
He knows the teacher is talking to him and sees Ned come closer too but he’s underwater again. He can’t hear anything, the world whites out, and there’s nothing left but the quickening uneven pace of Mr. Stark’s heartbeat.
His body moves without his knowledge and flees out of the room. The world spins, and he stumbles down hallways until he finds his locker. There's not a single care in the world, as he runs into the bathroom, and somehow gets himself into his suit before he’s out a window. Karen comes to life, his HUD showing him the erratic beat of Mr. Stark’s heart again, the rhythm new and terrifying.
Karen talks, but he doesn’t listen. He’s too far under the water now, the water fills his lungs, and pushes him closer and closer to the bottom. He’s heavy and slow, movements feel sluggish and unfocused. His spider sense protects him, guides him to where he needs to go.
Arriving on the scene, he sees Mr. Stark immediately, the shiny iron suit a beacon of light in the depth he finds himself in. Mr. Stark’s heartbeat is still erratic and Peter watches as he comes to land on a rooftop.
Peter lands in front of him, rips his mask off and stumbles toward Mr. Stark. His face mask retracts, he’s got blood on his temple.
“Woah, Pete, what’s up?” Mr. Stark asks as Peter reaches for him, fingers touching the sticky wet blood. “Pete?”
The world’s drowned out to the two of them, Peter can barely string together a cohesive thought. Mr. Stark, Tony, he’s right there but he’s also not. He’s in a plane crashing to the ground, he’s covered in blood at a convenience store. He’s every unimaginable horror that Peter’s spent his whole life imagining.
“Peter, kid, you’re going to need to breathe. Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
Peter tries, so, so hard to speak but he’s still drowning, Tony’s his only life vest. His hands move from his face, down the metal, looking for any other problems but the world’s too blurry and he’s hands are numb. He struggles to stay upright but he can’t, he falls and takes Tony with him.
“Woah, kiddo, Pete. You have to give him something.”
On his knees, he pulls Tony into him, places his hand against the metal chest, and feels his heart, feels the rhythm, the sign that Tony’s alive and he’s okay and that’s the last thought he has before he reaches the bottom.
-
The next time he’s aware, he opens his eyes to find himself in the medbay. Tony and May sit side by side, four sets of eyes staring at him.
Peter reaches out for both of them and neither takes long to come to him. He’s got both of them hugging him, holding on as he cries and cries, the backup of his fears pouring out of him. No one asks anything, they both offer comfort and let Peter cry himself out.
When he’s finished, they both sit down by his side again. Tony sits on his right, May on his left and they hold both of his hands. He can tell by their faces they both know that May must have spilled his secrets.
“Are you okay?” Peter asks when he finds his voice again, rough and harsh.
“Yeah, kid, I’m fine. Nothing wrong with me a bandaid couldn’t fix.” He moves aside his hair and Peter sees a small bandaid at his temple.
“Peter,” May interrupts. “I’m so sorry baby, I’m sorry I didn’t realize it had gotten this bad.”
“Not your fault,” Peter says, sniffing. “I… I thought I could… that I could handle it.”
“You don’t need to do it alone, kiddo. You should have told me you were having separation anxiety. I could have done something, we could have done something to help,” Tony adds, he must know the whole truth then. He’s relieved he doesn’t have to tell him, explain to Tony his inability to keep the people he loves the most alive.
“Do you know what set you off?” Tony asks carefully, leans over, and wipes the tears from Peter’s face with his free hand. “It might be helpful for us to know.”
Peter nods. “You said… you had a bad heart. And uh, it just, it scared me. I thought that … something might happen to you. So I had to protect you and be there, just in case. And um, then it got kinda worse.”
“Why didn’t you try taking the medication? You know it helps when things get bad,” May says, not sounding angry, Tony doesn’t look it either.
“Meds didn’t work,” Peter admits. “Ever since the bite.”
“Oh baby,” May says, he sees tears in her eyes and he squeezes her hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Peter says, new tears coming down his face. “It’s my fault, I should have… I should have said something.”
“Nothing is your fault, kid,” Tony says softly, his hand coming up to cup Peter’s face. “We’re going to work on this together okay? I’m sorry that I said that to you, that it upset you that much.”
Peter wants to say more, to apologize over and over, but words fail him again. Instead, he nods, tears overwhelming him once more.
-
It takes a few days, but things get better.
They work to find a medication that works with Peter’s metabolism, something that eases some of the anxiety he still feels rushing through his veins.
He’s hesitant to leave Tony and May once more, but it seems neither of them wants to leave him. He stays at the Tower, sleeps in the guest room bed with May, and wraps his fingers around her hair once more.
Without even asking, Tony sleeps on the couch and Peter hates what he’s making them do, but neither of them says a word about it. They take their time and let Peter adjust to both of them being gone. They comfort him, hug him, and hold him when he needs it.
"I like your heartbeat," Peter tells Tony one night as they snuggle close on the couch. "It helps."
Peter has his hand pressed against Tony's chest, fingers tap out the rhythm. "I made the watch tap it against my wrist."
Tony chuckles. "That's pretty smart, kiddo. I think it'll help but you can't be reliant on it."
"Can I listen sometimes?" Peter asks, hopeful. Tony reaches up and holds Peter's hand in his.
"Of course, you can."
-
When it’s finally time for him to go back home and to school, for things to become normal again, Tony finds him in his room, alone for once. It's a step forward, a good one but he's still happy to see him.
“Petey,” he says, comes over and sits beside Peter on the bed. He sits close, Peter puts his head on his shoulder and lets Tony hold him. “It’ll be okay.”
“I don’t want something bad to happen to you,” Peter whispers, like a prayer.
“I don’t want anything bad to happen to either of us, but you know I can’t make that promise.”
Peter tenses, but Tony holds on. “That’s life, kiddo. I know you’re well acquainted but you can’t let that keep you down like this. I’m so glad you are taking meds and talking to someone about it but you can tell me or your Aunt anything too.”
“I’m sorry,” Peter says again and Tony rubs his hand up and down Peter’s arm.
“You have no reason to be, kiddo. I,” Tony starts and then stops. “After my parents died… I had a hard time being away from Jarvis too. And then, after Afghanistan… well, let’s just say I don’t like other people driving me anywhere. So yeah, me and fear, we’re old friends. I know how hard it is to push past all of it.”
“Sometimes,” Peter admits. “It feels like I’m drowning. I can’t get above the water, no matter how hard I try.”
He feels Tony swallow beside him, he can still hear his unique heartbeat, its comfort now, more than ever. “That’s when you call for me, or May, or Ned or Happy… hell, you’ve got so many people in your corner Pete. All of us, we’ll pull you up, make sure you don’t drown.”
The fear still sits in his chest but it carefully, slowly, loosens just a little. “I love you,” Peter says softly, carefully.
“I love you too, Peter. We’ll get through this, kid.”
And Peter believes him.