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I haven’t heard Charlie comment on the movie for a while. He’s very quiet. Oh. He’s asleep. I’m glad he feels comfortable enough around me to fall asleep. He’s very cute when he sleeps. Wait, did I just say cute? Why do I keep thinking about how cute he is? I mean, he has a very cute face. And his smile… Wait. This is Charlie. My best friend. A GUY best friend. He’s not ‘cute’ is he? What do you call a guy friend who’s cute? Adorable? Wait, no! I don’t think like this about the other guys. They’re all idiots. I suppose a couple of them are fit, the girls swoon over them. But they’re not cute. Not like Charlie. Charlie is definitely cute. Especially laying here next to me sleeping. He’s so… peaceful. I kinda just wanna give him a hug. I bet his shoulder is soft. Stop it! What am I doing? It’s Charlie. I’m not gay. I just need to stop looking at him.
Oh my God. His hand. It’s just… sitting there… open. I wonder what it feels like. To hold a guy’s hand… Charlie’s hand. To just… touch it? He’s asleep. This could be the best chance I get. He wouldn’t ever know. No, I can’t do that while he’s sleeping. That’s creepy. And what if he woke up? He would get so freaked out. But what does it feel like? I’ll just pretend. Yeah, pretend. He held my hands teaching me the drums just before. I know what his hands feel like. They feel good. They’re so soft. Wait, what? Oh my God. What I am I doing? Look, if I just put my hand over his slightly, I don’t need to touch him. It’ll be fine, it’s just two hands in the same space. Fuck. Nope. Can’t do that. That felt… strange. God, I’m glad he’s asleep. He truly is adorable. Oh God. He really is adorable. Ok, let’s try this again. If I just hold my hand over the top of his. I don’t have to touch him. I know what his hands feel like. Oh my God. I want to touch his hands. I want to put my fingers between his and hold him. If only he was awake. It feels so right to have our hands this close. Fuck! Nope. Can’t do this. Shit! What’s happening to me? This is CHARLIE. Fuck! I like him. I fucking like Charlie Spring. But I’m not gay, am I? And just coz I think I like him, doesn’t mean I do. And it doesn’t mean he likes me. Just coz he’s gay, doesn’t mean he’s going to automatically like me. Oh God? What do I do?
🍂 🍂 🍂
Ok, nearly out the door. Don’t fuck up. Just get home so you can sort out your thoughts. Come on Nick. You can do this.
“I wish you didn’t have to go.”
Shit, me neither. You have no idea how much I want to stay with you right now. But I need to go. I need to sort out my head.
“Yeah, I wish didn’t either.”
Look at him wrapped in that blanket. He’s still half asleep. I just want to give him a big hug. He looks so cuddly like that. Oh God. Don’t say it… don’t say it…
“You look so…” Don’t fucking say it. “… cuddly like that.”
Fuck!
“Do I?”
“Yeah.”
Oh my God. I made him all shy. He’s so freaking cute. Now what? Now what do I do? It’s going to get awkward soon. I just told him he looks cuddly. I want to cuddle him. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna hug him.
Oh God. It feels so good to hug him. He’s so… warm. And soft. And he smells good. And he fits perfectly in my arms. I could just hug him all night. Oh my God. He’s hugging me. He’s actually hugging me back. His arms feel so good. I feel so… safe. I just want to kiss his neck. Fuck. What the fuck was that? Kiss his neck? Oh my God. What is going on with me. Am I gay? I’m not gay. It’s just two friends sharing a hug. Wait. How long have I been hugging him now? This has been going too long. This is not just a friend hug anymore. But he’s not letting go. I don’t want to stop hugging him. I need to, though. I need to stop hugging him.
“Umm.” Don’t look at him, whatever you do. “Ok. See you Monday.” Just don’t look at him. Leave. Get out the door. Go home. Try not to slam the door. Good. Fresh air.
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
