Chapter Text
Now, don't get me wrong, I've seen a lot of bullshit in my life. A lot of bullshit. But honey, I don't even know how the hell I ended up here. I'm an elementary school teacher, not some fancy-smancy government agent person. Teaching a bunch of children under the age of ten and filing paperwork is all I'm qualified to do. I mean yeah, I know some martial arts and I can handle a gun as well as the next country girl, but military life was never really my thing, ya know? But yet, here I am. Writing a bunch of rules because King Shithead, aka Galloway, had some kind radioactive pole bigger than Metroplex up his ass when he was still director and even Prowl thinks his rules were fucking excessive. So here I am, babysitting giant robots from space, making up the Rules of N.E.S.T. as I go, all the while being expected to do paperwork AND design a curriculum for the base school, not to mention wrangling in the twins and running our P.R. campaign. Lovely. It's not like I'm busy or anything. But hey, it's not that bad here. No rent, free food, and a pretty good paycheck. And seeing as I'm gonna delete this entire section before giving this thing to Prowler to publish anyway, the eye candy here's not too bad either. Especially a certain bright blue big rig. *winks*
Rule #1. When meeting your new Director for the first time, do not under ANY circumstance growl for no reason and transform like we're being attacked just to scare them.
(Ironhide, you're an asshole.)
(Ironhide: Hehehe.)
Rule #2. Keep your Holoform as attractive as you wish it to be.
(Trust me, I don't mind. At all.)
Rule #3. Don't make fun of my accent.
(Twins major and minor, Ironhide, Bumblebee, and Jazz. That's just the 'bots.)
Rule #4. It is indeed hilarious to stuff popcorn kernels into Ironhide's guns while he's in recharge, but only if you're across and/or off base before he figures it out.
(Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and me for 'accidentally' giving them the idea.)
(Sideswipe: Thanks for covering Kathy.)
(Yeah, yeah. You're welcome.)
Rule #5. No protesting via daily food fights or you will be the ones cleaning it up.
(I know thats all it's good for, I'm working on it I swear.)
Rule #6. You must wear your full uniform to formation, I don't care if it was Vodka Night at your favorite bar the night before.
(Lennox: But Kaaaattthhhyyy!~)
(No Will!)
Rule #7. No more ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.
(We live in the middle of the Nevada Desert. It's september. I'm proud that you guys are donating to charity and raising awareness, but seriously.)
Rule #8. DON'T BLOW UP THE OBSTACLE COURSE!
(Damn it Ironhide, not again!)
(Ironhide: What now?)
(Why would you do that!? We're on a budget you moron!)
(Ironhide: Watch it red...)
(You know what?... I'm telling Prime.)
(Ironhide: HEY!)
Rule #9. Optimus Prime is the overworked Dad on base and don't you forget it.
(Everyone tells on eachother.)
(Sunstreaker: Optimus! Sideswipe scratched my paint!)
(Sideswipe: I DID NOT!)
(Sunstreaker: DID TOO!)
(Sideswipe: DID NOT!)
(Optimus:... *sigh*...)
(Case and Point.)
Rule #10 Disney movies are to be watched only behind closed doors, unless given express permission.
(I can only sit through so much of "Let it go" and "Make a Man out of You" before I start singin' and no one wants that.)
Rule #11 Any neutrals, despite previous alliances and ranks, shall be welcomed on base after thorough questioning and temporary consfication of all weapons.
(I am required by DA LAW to have one serious rule.)
(Prowl: Don't call me that.)
(I outrank you. Shut up.)
Rule #12 Unless it is an emergency, the Comm System is to be used by officers only.
(I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS! TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST, TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAAAAUUUUSSSEE!)
(Miles, Sam, and Leo.)
(Leo is not a good singer. At all. Worse than me, even.)
Rule #13. Please inform all new arrivals of the crushable aspects of the human race.
(Sunny tried to step on me. Thought I was Earth's version of an insect. Glitch.)
(Red Alert accused me of being a spy for the Decepticons in under five minutes of my arrival. We hadn't even spoken yet. Optimus was not pleased.)
(Wheeljack picked me up and brought me close to his face to ask me questions, ever the mad scientist/inventor. At least, I think they were questions. He hadn't learned english yet.)
(Ultra Magnus just sort of held me in hand staring at me while he talked with Optimus and the others. I stared back. He has nice eyes, even for an Autobot.)
Rule #14 If you want to go on a road trip, ask me first.
(Sam, Miles, and Bumblebee.)
(They wanted to see the Redwoods in California.)
(Apparently Cybertonians can't comprehend an organic life form being taller than them.)
(The trip is planned for October.)
Rule #15 Myth Busters is banned from base.
(Jackie gets ideas. Those don't end well. He is a mech after my own spar-. I mean heart.)
Rule #16 Leave Barricade ALONE.
(Just because we have his weapons doesn't mean he can't still hurt you.)
(Mech got claws glitches.)
(Oh, and no one likes a grumpy Miles either.)
Rule #17 Optimus should only be pulled out of recharge if someone is either dead, dying, or the base is under attack by Decepticons.
(Poor mech doesn't get enough sleep as is.)
(Optimus: While I appreciate your concern, I am always able to take time out of my schedule, night or day, for my soldiers. You know that Katherine.)
(I know Boss Bot, but you need your rest more than anything else. You are the 'bots' morale.)
(He just sighed and nodded, before walking away. He looked sad for just a millisecond, but it was there.)
Rule #18 While I commend you for your Holiday Spirit, please refrain from requesting a weaker willed autobot to shoot off fireworks.
(Even if they do look super cool.)
(Sam, Miles, Leo, Sharsky, Fassbinder, Will, Epps... Myself. The whole shebang.)
Rule #19 Actually, no fireworks ever without the supervision of at least one officer, exluding Jazz.
(He encourages stupidity to a whole new level.)
AND FINALLY...
*whispers* drum roll please~
tatatata
tatatata
tatatata
tatatata
tatatata
Rule #20 If you wish to survive more than a week in his presence should you get injured, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT steal Ratchet's wrenches or incur his wrath in anyway, shape, or form.
(This rule needs no explanation.)