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The quill in Kaeya’s hand absentmindedly tapped at the blank paper as he wracked his head trying to find an appropriate way to start his letter, his other hand reaching out for the wine glass on his desk, thoughts somewhere else as the nagging danger of this whole situation tugged at his nerves.
‘Fuck, am I really doing this? Wasn’t it a rule to never write anything down? Why am I doing this again? What the fuck?”
Kaeya barked out an agitated laugh before taking a gulp of the wine and finishing the glass, finally noticing how his insistent tapping on the paper with the inked quill soaked it through. Groaning, he bunched the offending paper up and threw it away into the overflowing bin by the foot of his desk.
While pouring himself a final glass of wine, ( how had he let his reserves run out?) he also realized this was the last clear paper he had left in the house, amusing how the universe itself is telling him to hurry up and get this over with.
“Alright, alright! Who cares for a proper introduction! He always tells me to be honest right? Fine then, I’ll give him honest!”
The knight took a sip of his wine and let the buzz clear his mind before taking a deep breath and bringing the quill down onto the paper.
“To Diluc. I owe you some answers”
He read out loud, as if to convince himself his words were the right thing to do (he couldn’t help the sigh that left him)
“Three, to be exact”
A deep breath.
“I took a moment to write these answers, you’ll find them all attached”
Kaeya glanced at the half burnt paper he had taken out of his compartment behind the brick earlier along with the translations he’d written on a second one (and a quite large explanation of all three answers he owed the other which he wrote nearly a year ago but had only gotten the courage to send), if anyone deserved to see the truth, it would be Diluc.
He didn’t know what triggered his recent want to finally do it. Maybe it was the fact that the other finally bought back the Ragnvindr mansion after all these years. Or maybe the sentiment in how he still hasn’t been chased out of Mondstat with pitchforks and torches.
Kaeya hastily opened his drawer and pulled out the stapler, hands shaking as he aligned the fragile paper, translations, and answers, onto the fresh new one, an old memory for a new beginning.
“Okay, okay, here goes—”
A wince escaped Kaeya at the loud sound the stapler made while piercing through paper, hopefully it won’t do much damage.
“I don’t expect a response from you”
A loud gulp of wine.
“In fact, it’s probably best you don’t”
His hand ran down his face as he felt the thin scar over his eye.
“I’m not looking for forgiveness”
The echo of a past gone younger voice refusing his pleas sent a shiver down Kaeya’s spine.
“I’m only giving you what you are owed, in the attachments—”
The papers looked flimsy, he stapled them onto the other corner.
“It’s all there in the papers”
Kaeya tried to ignore the stinging in his eyes as he wrote the last sentence before signing his name.
“Please destroy them after you’ve read them through”
He let out a breath of relief (?) before starting to carefully tuck in the papers into the carrier envelope, taking a final look at the last memory of his once father and closing the flap.
‘All that’s left now is to leave the stamp’
Kaeya slowly dipped the stamp into the red wax, leaving it a second too long there as he gathered his thoughts.
‘The weight of the choice will be gone’
Kaeya lowered his hand and applied pressure as the stamp left its mark on the envelope (a bit crooked, but who cares). The top of the stamp glimmered in the light of his study, hand shaking from how hard he’s pressed onto the flap.
‘There is nothing I needed to say left unsaid’
The cramp in his wrist alerted him that it was time to pull away. When he did, it was not the well known Favonius seal that stared back at him, but his own personal star shaped mark. Only one pair of eyes other than his own has seen and recognized this star.
‘Those four years did their job—’
He took another gulp from his glass.
“And now this can end— ”
The weight of the envelope in Kaeya’s hand felt dangerous. He wanted to throw it into the fireplace and watch it turn to ash. He put the envelope back on the desk.
‘—It’ll end with an envelope full of feelings and deepest regrets’
Kaeya glanced at the carrier falcon he called for through Elzer earlier nested by his window. A suspiciously wet sound akin to a sniffle leaving his throat.
“I just… have to send it”
Kaeya stared at the envelope once more. He couldn’t help the laugh that shook through his chest, the tears on his face (when had he started crying?) cold as he brought a hand to hysterically wipe at them, the other grabbing the wine glass and chugging whatever was left with a loud sigh that ended with yet another laugh, opening his window so the falcon could trudge in and land on his arm.
“Why hello, Dawn! Looking fine today! Ohhh god! Haha! Is it weird that I’m writing my ex-brother out of the blue? Are there any answers he can fuck up and misconstrue?”
The falcon preened her feathers and Kaeya let out a dramatic sigh.
“Of course! He could, and of course he will! Hell, he’ll even scrutinize my answers, think I’m full of shit! The usual~”
Kaeya let the falcon rest on his shoulder as he turned and held the envelope to the light.
“Sure wonder why it took me years to get this over with, I mean, come on it’s just a paper isn’t it?”
A coo left the falcon.
“You’re right, it’s fine, that’s fine!”
He straightened out the envelope and let his finger trace the seal.
“Who cares”
Kaeya got the falcon to hop onto the table.
“Haha! Who cares!”
He fastened the envelope onto the falcon.
“Not me! Nu’uh!”
The falcon dutifully hopped back onto Kaeya’s shoulder, who walked towards the open window, staring at the envelope for the last time before raising his arm and watching the falcon spread her wings and take off.
He watched till the falcon turned into a speck in the blue sky now dimming to orange. His body and shoulders sagging in uncharacteristic relief once she was out of sight.
“Sent”
His back hit the desk as he stared out the window.
“It sent. Fuck. I sent it”
Kaeya’s hand tangled itself into hair as a wet laugh rattled in his throat.
“I sent you a letter with my answers attached”
Suddenly the ground looked very comfortable and Kaeya let himself slide down until he slumped against the wall.
“Now I gave you my final answer”
‘Is it enough? Will you believe me?’
“I’ve finally had the final word”
‘Took me four years’
“This… family disaster is gonna end with a three page letter, huh?”
‘People in Mondstat sure love sending them. Father would cut off my arm if he saw me writing that.’
“How… fitting of me”
‘I wish I could belong ’
“How absolutely, spectacularly absurd ”
Kaeya let his head fall back and hit the wall, his body still out of sorts.
“But I can— we can finally move on now, maybe”
‘I know I’d never be able to’
“No more living in the past! It’s gone! Over!”
‘Not for me, not me, sinners can’t escape the past’
“You’ll be okay. You’ll move on”
‘I’ve been speaking to myself for a while. Imagine being so lonely’
“No more hoarding all my answers, as you’d want me to, they’re all yours now… just… don’t destroy me with them, will you?”
A giggle escaped the Captain as he tried to hold back those useless tears. But then his eye caught the wine bottle from earlier, a grin making its way to his face as he realized he might have missed a gulp or two.
Kaeya held the bottle up as if for cheers before bringing it to his lips.
“And here, this one is to never looking back! Ha !”
He chugged the remaining alcohol and gasped loudly with a chuckle before putting the bottle next to the bin and trying to get up, a hiccup leaving his lips as he struggled to find his footing.
‘You’re done, it’s done. He won’t send back. I’m not looking back’
Kaeya tried holding onto the table but his hand slipped and he accidentally knocked the ink well over.
“Ugh—fuck this”
He wiped his hand onto his pant leg, who cares if it’s ruined.
“Not me, certainly! I can’t care, not a single bit”
… Which is why he won’t be checking his mail box every hour.
“I’ve already sent it—it’s gone it’s done he won’t answer he won’t answer!”
He finally managed to stand up and made his way to the window.
“Feels great, this feels good! Yup! Not looking back, closing the window, closing it!”
The Knight’s hands shook as he closed the window and ignored the nagging feeling in his head to look at the horizon, instead going over to his bed.
‘I’m not gonna look back, I don’t need to look back, if I keep repeating it, then I’ll just believe it!’
He’ll tolerate an early bedtime if it means his brain can just shut up .
‘He wants answers, I gave him answers! It’s done! Nothing left to say! I’m done’
Kaeya flopped onto his bed ungracefully and stared at the ceiling, the smile on his face painful but enough to keep him sober for reality to finally set in.
“It’s… over”
His hand traced the scar left behind on his eye one more time.
“It’s over, it’s over ! Oh my god, it’s… it’s really over…”
The knight let sleep and exhaustion finally take hold of him as the built up stress and anxiety of years felt out of reach for the first time.
If he’d check his mailbox every hour or so after he’d awoken with that nasty hangover (and perhaps a few regrets) the next day, it wasn’t anyone’s business but his own.