Work Text:
God, Dean had been feeling exhausted the whole ride home after this entire long hunting trip and he was glad to finally arrive home. He grabbed some snacks and something to drink and coddled in a nice blanket in his bed. Home sweet home.
Right at the time he opened his laptop for a movie night that evening, a news popped up right on his google that turned his whole world in all rainbows and sunshine.
Gay marriage had been legalized.
He'd been waiting for this for years. Ever since he began to feel more comfortable in his sexuality after all the bullshit his father spilled on him about how "men getting it from men aren't men". It took him ages to get rid of the homophobia internalized in him. He wasn't even sure if he removed it at all given the undoubtedly huge crush even Sam and even Charlie noticed he had on Castiel that he was terrified to admit it existed.
And you couldn't even blame him. Being trans and wanting to properly be taken seriously as a man engrained all sorts of stereotypes in his mind and as much as he wanted to get rid of them, it seemed more like he was ashamed to be himself because of the amount of trauma his father had inflicted on him. The moment him and Cas met in that goddamn barn, change had kicked off like a drug and lord, he could swear he was never that down bad for anyone else, especially not for someone who looked like a man.
Not only he was afraid of this, he thought that Cas would probably give zero fucks about his feelings. He was an angel. Why would he love a human?
Even if his chances of marrying a man, especially the one he actually wanted, were as tiny as an atom, the idea of other people getting to be themselves filled him with joy, it still gave him hope, even a tiny drop.
Despite the internal battle he had been having with himself, the news still caused him to explode with bliss, it made him scream out loud so high that Sam and Cas probably heard it, "FUCK YES!" Excitement rushed through him as he threw his fist in the air, like a little kid's enthusiasm. "YES, FUCK YOU, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"
Tears rushed down his cheeks, he couldn't even grasp the fact that he broke down in tears about it. He was so happy he started crying but it still saddened him he couldn't have that— because his life was not to settle down, his life was fucking dangerous and even if he attempted at a marriage life, he would eventually go back to hunting and would probably drag his spouse with him which could get them killed and he was tired of losing people he loved. He was tired of all of this. He just wanted to be normal. Be fucking normal.
A knock on the door dragged him out of his stupor with a flinch. His gaze found Sam leaning against the door with his arms crossed, slightly concerned about him. "Dude, it's midnight, what are you screaming about?" Sam paused for a second to take a better look and frowned at the traces of Dean's tears on his cheeks. "Were you— crying?"
Dean rubbed his face and shook his head in denial. He didn't want to admit that he was indeed crying. It wasn't because he thought that Sam would be homophobic or any of that...he was just...scared. "Uh, no."
No matter how much he tried to lie to Sam, he couldn't. His eyes were redder than a tomato, it was obvious he did cry. "You're not a good liar."
Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes at his brother who giggled at his reaction. "Oh, shut the fuck up."
"So?" Sam walked towards him and sat next to him. "What's going on?"
Dean pressed his lips into a line before he took a deep breath and decided to let Sam know too no matter whether he actually told him that Yes, you are right, Sammy. I am in love with Cas, I never wanted to marry someone as much as I wish I could marry him. "Alright."
He moved his laptop so Sam could see it and to his surprise, Sam's lips curved into a soft grin. "Wow, that's awesome. Was that why you were crying?"
"Yes..." he uttered, in the lowest tone possible, he didn't even glance up at Sam because of the fear of the slightest judgement in his eyes. "You know, I..."
"You like men too and you're a little...maybe more in love with Cas?" he just continued his sentence and watched with pride the shock on Dean's face. "Charlie and I already know that. You're not being very... secretive about it. The only one who doesn't get it, probably, it's Cas."
Dean just stared at Sam in full offense, he huffed. He was incredulous about the truth that Sam knew, Charlie knew, they saw him and were already sure about him yet they let him torment himself with his phobia of telling them. "And you didn't tell me?! You could have spared me all the anxiety."
He expected more but all Sam did was shrug his shoulders and chortle, thing that filled Dean more with rage. "It's your sexuality, not our business, so... Sorry?"
"Oh, fuck off," he shouted, with his arms intertwined, and he pouted. "You ruined my entire night."
But all Sam could do was laugh at his big brother's behavior, the big brother who acted more like the little brother right in that moment.
Before he chose to go to his room, so he could finally sleep, he pat him on his knee and let him know he was a proud brother.. "Anyways, I am glad you felt safe telling me and I am proud of you for admitting that. And I think I am into men too, but we'll talk about that in the morning. Goodnight." Then he ran away fast, Dean didn't even get to tell him to wait one more second before he closed the door of his room..
"You can't just say that and leave?" he complained. He let out a groan and fell into his bed. "Bitch." His brother was such a jerk sometimes, just saying something and running away. It pissed him off.
He did also hope Cas heard none of their conversation because the least thing he would want was to find Cas near him, looking at him with his cute puppy dog eyes and tell him that he, in fact, did not love him because he was incapable of loving, unlike humans.
Then the morning came and Dean woke up with his 8 hours of sleep in an unexpectedly good mood, he had the impression that last night was only a dream but when he checked his laptop he realized that it was actually real and that he had a win for himself, for once.
He finally found the courage to tell his brother that he liked men too, not just women, and that turned out to make him happy and proud of himself. Something he hadn't felt in ages. He couldn't even remember the last time he experienced that sensation, he wasn't sure even if it existed. But he was glad it was happening now.
He went to the kitchen and found Sam drinking his coffee while he was on his laptop as Cas was still nowhere to be found. That worried him a bit, he had no clue where Cas was or what he was doing nor he didn’t even bother to call him because he was too busy to celebrate that gay marriage became legal and then sleep. It didn’t even cross his mind that Cas wasn’t in the bunker because he would have heard him.
“Morning.”
Sam nodded at him and wished him good morning before he took a sip out of his cup of coffee when he realized that his brother looked worried.. “What’s up?”
Dean approached Sam and cleared his throat before he wanted to make himself some coffee. Despite all that good mood, his eyes were still bleary and he couldn’t stop yawning. “Where is Cas?”
Right at that moment, before Sam even got to open his mouth, the breeze of wings flashed over their faces and in front of them there stood Castiel with his silly little smile on his face that appeared every time he saw him. “Hello, Dean.”
Dean was too impatient for any good morning or hello, he merily ran towards him and embraced him into a tight hug, in spite of the angel’s visible bemusement he was one hundred percent sure of. “Missed you, pal.”
“Dean,” he called his name in the softest way possible, something that always made Dean's heart dance. “We saw each other yesterday.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he said before he closed his eyes to enjoy their moment of affection.
Sam smiled at the two, it became even bigger when he noticed that Cas also closed his eyes and a beaming grin popped up on his face the longer he hugged Dean. And eventually, it got way too long and Sam began to feel absolutely awkward. He didn't want to interrupt them; he had no choice but clear his throat and make the two flinch, they forgot he was there. “Sorry.”
Dean rolled his eyes at his little brother and let out a scoff when he noticed even the slightest curve on Sam’s lips. He mouthed, “Bitch.”
And Sam did the same thing but with “Jerk.”
Obviously, behind Castiel’s back who had no clue what was going on with this entire love at 7 AM. It was, somehow, odd for Dean to hug him that much, but he couldn’t deny he didn’t enjoy it and wanted more of him.
"Have you two heard the good news?" Castiel smiled at the both of them. "Gay marriage was legalized yesterday! I think that's wonderful. It's a really beautiful thing, I don't know why humans are so against it." He tilted his head and frowned at the brothers. "Are you two against it?"
"No!" they shouted, unintentionally, in unison.
"I agree with you, Cas!" Dean answered to his question, though he couldn't pay much attention to the conversation, he struggled not to get lost in his shining blue eyes. "It's a really beautiful thing."
Dean wished he could confess to Cas about who he really was, confess to him that he desired to kiss him like he never kissed anyone before. Confess that he wanted him to be his, have a relationship with him, do things he had never dreamed of doing before but now he did because he had Cas.
He wondered how the taste of Castiel’s lips would be like, how resting on his chest, feeling his warmth and hearing the beats of his heart would feel like, but he was too afraid to fight for any of that. Cas was his best friend and telling him the truth would mean losing him. He was staggeringly terrified of the enormous possibility that angels could not love like humans did and rejection would be too hard on him, he wouldn’t even be able to look at Cas the same way.
Even if they did, maybe Cas didn’t love him. He wasn’t worthy of Cas. He was frightened that he might not see him like an actual man, despite him never asking any questions about it. He knew Dean was trans but he didn’t treat him any differently. Still, in terms of love it could be so much different. Or, he just didn’t like him like he did. So many possibilities overwhelmed him everyday, causing him to overthink and cry and battle with his life even more than he already did.
He didn’t know whether he would ever get over that fear. Maybe Sam and Charlie could help him, but that question stood still. He was clueless on where the future would take him.