Work Text:
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: okay so just to be clear right off the bat i know youre not gonna give a shit about this
TG: its dumb human stuff thats way beneath your superior troll social structure
TG: and thats cool and all i get it tbh wouldntve minded living someplace where i didnt have to worry about this and have the most cliche crisis of my life
TG: itd force rose to branch out more too since she wouldnt be able to just dig her claws into how much i talk about dicks
TG: or i guess bulges if we were on troll hell planet
TG: though if i were there then it wouldnt matter anyway since i wouldnt have the crisis
TG: if i talked about bulges all the time then id just be a horny douche
TG: like that one fish guy who hit on rose remember him
TG: what am i saying of course you remember him he
TG: actually nevermind thats maybe the worst place for this to go
CG: AGREED!
TG: oh shit hey
CG: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN I RESPOND TO YOUR RAMBLING MESSAGES?
CG: YOU LITERALLY OPENED YOUR CHAT CLIENT AND STARTED TALKING TO ME. OR I GUESS AT ME, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO IN PERSON ANYWAY.
TG: look i get distracted by my sexy wall of red text classing up the joint
TG: so when its interrupted by angry gray capslock its a total aesthetic shift
TG: you know how i am about aesthetics karkat i cant deal with them being thrown by the wayside
TG: my delicate sensibilities dont know what to do theyve never hitchhiked before do they stick their thumb out or just stand there waiting for some trucker to pull over and ravish them
TG: probably not that one unless the trucker really committed to the classic trucker look and i do mean really committed
TG: ive got high standards i wont be ravished by just anyone
CG: YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK YOU'D NEED TO BE RAISED ON ALTERNIA TO COME ACROSS AS A HORNY DOUCHE. YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE AS IS.
TG: dude if i knew why everything always comes back around to sex with me id tell you okay
TG: or actually id just stop it i dont like this anymore than you do
TG: running hypothesis is that its because im a hormonal teenager in the midst of puberty so according to rose its perfectly natural but what does she know its not like either of us got any kind of functional sex ed
TG: we just got the internet and way too much curiosity
TG: though she was definitely better off than me on that front at least she had to search out porn
TG: i got it thrust at me every day of my goddamn life in the form of soft foam ass
CG: DID YOU KNOW THAT I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT SOMETHING BENEFICIAL ABOUT ALL YOUR INCESSANT RAMBLING?
TG: you get to learn more about me your very best bro in the world
TG: most people would pay good money to get in my head like this you should really appreciate what youre getting karkat
CG: MOST PEOPLE WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO GET YOU TO SHUT UP.
TG: youre probably not wrong
CG: OF COURSE I'M NOT. I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT DAVE, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.
TG: yeah yeah
TG: whats the benefit then
CG: I'VE GOT MORE BLACKMAIL MATERIAL ON YOU THAN I'LL EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
CG: SURE YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF ENOUGH ALREADY, BUT ROSE DOESN'T CURRENTLY HAVE AN EXACT COUNT OF THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU'VE BROUGHT UP HER LOOKING AT PORN. I'M SURE SHE'D LOVE TO GET THAT DATA FOR ANALYSIS.
CG: IT'S 57 SO FAR, BY THE WAY.
TG: total or this month
CG: THIS WEEK.
TG: yeah that tracks
TG: anyway you do make a fair point about blackmail but consider this
TG: no one but me knows exactly how many times you cry at each individual romcom you own and at what times
TG: or that you secretly hate that romance series kanayas wild about
CG: IF YOU TELL HER ABOUT THAT, I SWEAR I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HUMAN BULGE AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR WASTECHUTE THAT YOU'LL BE TASTING YOUR GROSS HORMONES FOR THE NEXT SWEEP!
TG: oh cool a natural segue back to my original point
CG: OH FUCK, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
TG: haha nope
TG: so speaking of dicks in asses and all my previous reluctance to talk about that
CG: WHAT RELUCTANCE? GETTING YOU TO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT HAS BEEN THE REAL ISSUE!
CG: IT'S HONESTLY IMPRESSIVE HOW OFTEN YOU MANAGE TO TURN PERFECTLY REASONABLE CONVERSATIONS INTO ALMOST PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS ON HUMAN GENITALIA. IT'S A SKILL TO BE SURE, BUT PROBABLY THE KIND YOU'D BE CULLED FOR.
TG: okay yes once again thats a fair point
TG: but usually i get weirdly defensive about it and freak out even though im the one who brought it up in the first place
CG: YOU SURE DO! AT LEAST YOU'VE MANAGED TO CURE YOURSELF OF SAYING "NO HOMO" EVERY FIVE SECONDS.
CG: THAT WAS EMBARRASSING TO WITNESS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DID IT IN FRONT OF ROSE AND WE WERE BOTH SUBJECTED TO HER RAISED EYEBROWS AND SNARKY HORSESHIT. ALTHOUGH I STILL DON'T GET WHY IT’S SUCH A BIG DEAL.
TG: hilariously were actually staying on the right topic here which is pretty impressive for the two of us
TG: i was gonna circle around to trying to explain human sexuality again anyway so might as well do it now
CG: YOU CAN FUCKING TRY! IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE A SHRED OF SENSE TO ME WHY YOU'D CARE SO MUCH ABOUT GENDER, BUT WHATEVER, HUMANS ARE FREAKS. THAT'S NOTHING NEW.
TG: okay murder planet dont get too comfy on that high horse
TG: you guys got killed if you didnt jizz enough and with the right person
CG: I AM NOT GETTING INTO DRONES WITH YOU AGAIN!
TG: good cause i dont wanna
TG: any fucking way
TG: human sexuality
TG: i know it doesnt make sense to you that most humans only get into the opposite gender but it was kind of a big thing in our society
TG: or at least the usa im gonna be real i dont know fuck all about other cultures and theyre all dead now so i guess it doesnt matter that much
TG: youve seen human romcoms i know youve noticed that its all m/f shit
TG: youve ranted to me about it like 86 times
CG: IS THAT THE ACTUAL COUNT?
TG: ya its 86 total
TG: im not counting the times you briefly mention it but your real point is something else probably quadrants
CG: HUH. THAT FEELS ABOUT RIGHT.
TG: what can i say man i know you
TG: but yeah so it was a thing that people just were
TG: straight i mean
TG: heterosexual whatever
TG: yknow i do think this whole thing would be easier if you werent introduced to it by john
TG: no one fucking says 'i am not a homosexual' except that idiot
TG: its the most awkward phrasing he couldve picked
TG: cmon dude if youre gonna deny yourself the thrill of liking guys you can at least say 'im not gay' or 'no homo' like the rest of us
CG: HOLD ON THERE MR. NO HOMO.
CG: THE THRILL??
TG: god dammit
TG: i had this whole thing planned out
TG: it was gonna be a big speech and everything i was gonna help you understand why it was a big deal and then come out in this super genuine emotional space and probably cry a lil and wed end up closer as friends and youd appreciate the gesture even though youd still think me coming out at all was kinda stupid
TG: but no i had to drop it while dissing john
TG: god this is the real blackmail material karkat
TG: rose would love to see this
CG: OKAY, HOLD ON FOR A SECOND. IF YOU'RE CAPABLE OF THAT, I MEAN.
TG: im just gonna take my hands off my keyboard and sit on them or something thats probably the best bet
CG: THANK YOU.
CG: ALRIGHT. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
CG: FOR HALF A SWEEP, YOU'VE BEEN STUCK ON TRYING TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE AROUND YOU UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO GUYS. TO A REALLY WEIRD DEGREE, IF I'M BEING HONEST. LIKE, YOU GET ON THE TOPIC WAY MORE THAN YOU NEED TO.
CG: AND NOW YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO GUYS?? YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND OUT OF THE BLUE?
TG: im taking this as my cue to talk again if thats cool
CG: YES, THAT'S USUALLY WHAT QUESTIONS MEAN. THANK YOU FOR MANAGING THIS BASIC LOGIC LEAP. I WOULD'VE HATED TO SEE YOU TRIP AND THROW YOURSELF OFF THE CONVERSATION CLIFF INTO THE HARROWING WATERS OF TRULY PAINFUL AWKWARDNESS, AS YOU SO OFTEN DO.
TG: thanks babe youre so supportive
TG: uh i mean dude
TG: fuck
TG: god im so bad at this
TG: okay fine whatever moving on
TG: yes i am attracted to other guys
TG: wow that was
TG: not as hard to type as i thought it would be although also i think my heart might be about to burst out of my chest which would be gross and maybe a just death but still
TG: also its more complicated than just changing my mind
TG: turns out this is just how i am
TG: dave strider is a dude liker who saw that coming
TG: i just had a hard time trying to wrap my head around the idea and thats where all the dumbass no homo bullshit came from
TG: but it was always in my head like no matter what i did and especially here since theres
TG: um
TG: less people or whatever
TG: distractions there yes thats what it is theres no distractions
TG: not like ive been obsessing over my sexuality because ive had to face being attracted to one guy in particular that would be so awkward and weird and make everything both harder and easier
TG: but yeah i just had to sorta
TG: come to terms with it
TG: cause back on earth it wouldve been a big deal
TG: being straight was normal
TG: or people acted like it was i dont know if most people actually were straight
TG: right now at least half of humanity isnt
TG: not sure about jade she might like girls thatd track
TG: johns probably incurably straight though but we can always hope
TG: fuck not that i personally am invested in him not being straight
TG: i dont wanna fuck john thats not where im going with this
CG: LITERALLY NO ONE THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING THERE.
TG: rose wouldve and ive gotta keep up my defenses so i dont slack when im talking to her
TG: i need to keep my shit on lock karkat dont you know that
CG: AND HOW'S THAT BEEN WORKING OUT FOR YOU SO FAR?
TG: shut up
TG: god this was so much messier than i planned
TG: like i know i shouldnt be surprised that i turned coming out into a total train wreck but i really was trying this time i swear
CG: DON'T STRESS. I'M MORE THAN USED TO YOUR SHIT BY NOW, AND FOR SOME REASON I EVEN OCCASSIONALLY FIND IT ENDEARING.
CG: I DO WANT TO MAKE SURE I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THOUGH, SINCE IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S A BIG DEAL?
CG: SO, YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO GUYS. AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, BUT YOU DIDN'T LET YOURSELF REALIZE IT? BUT NOW YOU FINALLY TORE DOWN THAT IDIOTIC WALL.
TG: more or less yeah
TG: im still attracted to girls also
TG: were bisexual up in here though honestly fair odds im gonna keep calling myself gay since i use the word so often anyway
TG: plus itll keep forcing me to just be cool about it yknow
CG: NOT REALLY, BUT I THINK I GET THE GENERAL IDEA.
TG: yeah thats fair
TG: i know this probably seems really stupid to you
TG: like who cares yeah dave obviously guys and girls are both hot how could you not know this
TG: not that rose accepts guys being hot and you never get on her case about it
TG: im not telling you to get on her case just to be clear
TG: rose is def not into dudes and if you try and tell her she should be shell probably stab you with her knitting needles and that would be a bummer
CG: WOW, I'M GLAD ME SUFFERING A STAB WOUND WOULD MAKE YOU SAD ENOUGH TO CLASSIFY AS "A BUMMER"!
CG: DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH THAT SHIT. ONE, ROSE IS ADMITTEDLY KIND OF INTIMIDATING. TWO, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT'S NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS.
CG: I'VE TALKED ABOUT IT SO MUCH WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU BRING IT UP ALL THE TIME!
TG: yeah that
TG: that makes sense
TG: sorry i really wasnt trying to accuse you of anything im just feeling kinda awkward right now
TG: its weird when something is a really big deal to one person but not the other
TG: not that im mad or anything its just
TG: weird
CG: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED IT ISN'T A BIG DEAL TO ME, YOU KNOW. YOU NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED.
TG: oh
TG: i just figured since its not a thing for you guys you wouldnt really care
CG: YES, I THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT HUMANS SEPARATE SEXUALITY LIKE THIS. BUT THERE'S WAY WEIRDER THINGS HUMANS DO, IF WE'RE BEING HONEST.
CG: BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE PART THAT MATTERS! GUESS WHAT DAVE? YOU'RE MY FUCKING FRIEND! IF SOMETHING IS A BIG DEAL TO YOU, THAT MAKES IT A BIG DEAL TO ME.
CG: NOT TO GET DISGUSTINGLY SENTIMENTAL ON YOU, BUT I DO APPRECIATE YOU TELLING ME. I KNOW IT'S A WHOLE HUGE THING FOR YOU, AND IT'S. NICE TO KNOW YOU TRUST ME.
CG: AND THAT I'M IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO YOU THAT YOU'RE WILLING TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THESE KINDS OF CONVERSATIONS.
TG: dude are you kidding
TG: youre like the most important person in my life
TG: youre the first person i wanted to tell
TG: i mean okay i talked to rose about stuff and i havent like officially come out to her yet but she definitely knows
TG: but i wanted my first whole big coming out conversation to be with you
TG: even though i figured it wouldnt be a big deal to you
TG: youre important to me man like what the hell do i gotta do to get that through your thick skull
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
CG: UH, I MEAN. YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME TOO. A LOT.
CG: I CARE ABOUT YOU, SHITHEAD.
TG: aw karkat youre so sweet to me
CG: UGH, NEVERMIND, I ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU.
TG: platonically or
TG: uh
TG: fuck ignore me im being dumb that was a dumb joke and we should just pretend it was an impressively coincidental keysmash
CG: YOU DO KNOW THOSE KINDS OF SLIP-UPS WOULDN'T BE NEARLY AS NOTICEABLE IF YOU DIDN'T FREAK OUT SO MUCH AFTERWARDS, RIGHT?
TG: okay thats maybe the most hypocritical thing youve ever said to me
CG: I'M SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE!! I SHOULD KNOW!
TG: hell yeah you should
TG: though im noticing that youre avoiding the question
CG: WHAT QUESTION?
CG: YOU MEAN YOUR "IMPRESSIVELY COINCIDENTAL KEYSMASH"?
TG: yeah that
CG: I'M NOT PITCH FOR YOU, MORON. I SHOULD THINK THAT WOULD BE OBVIOUS.
TG: i dunno im pretty irresistible
CG: WHAT'S IRRESISTIBLE IS MY URGE TO SHOVE YOU OFF THIS METEOR.
TG: haha classic karkat
CG: ...HOLD ON.
CG: ARE YOU...
CG: I MEAN, IS THIS.
TG: what
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE OF THE VERY STRONG OPINION THAT QUADRANTS ARE DUMB!
TG: well thats cause they are
TG: which i mean in the least xenophobic way possible
CG: NOT SURE THAT CAN COME ACROSS AS ANYTHING BUT PURELY XENOPHOBIC, BUT WHATEVER.
CG: I'M JUST SAYING, IT SURE SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE POSSIBLY IMPLYING THAT YOU WANTED ME TO BE COMING ONTO YOU PITCHWISE. KIND OF. MAYBE.
TG: oh god no
TG: like i can see where youd get that and thats for sure on me im a wreck for real
TG: but no definitely not i dont
TG: i mean i wouldnt
TG: i like you dude
TG: i know i give you shit all the time but i never want to like
TG: hurt you
TG: i know thats not all of what the spades shit is about ive sat through enough of your lectures
TG: but i could never just be like
TG: your rival
TG: i like being uh
TG: yknow
TG: close
TG: to you
TG: fuck this is so gay
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE RETIRING THAT PARTICULAR USAGE OF THE WORD.
TG: no actually this is uh
TG: um
TG: the new
TG: usage
TG: sorta
TG: fuck
TG: shit none of this is going the way i hoped
TG: im so sorry dude this is painful enough for me i can only imagine being on the other end
CG: NO, WAIT. SLOW DOWN. ROLL BACK YOUR RECORD.
TG: not really how records work but okay
CG: WHAT'S THE NEW USAGE.
TG: um
TG: yknow
TG: the uh
TG: gay kind
TG: where thats uh
TG: what i am
CG: YEAH, I'M CLEAR ON THAT. I'VE PICKED UP THAT DAVE STRIDER IS NOW A "DUDE LIKER". BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IN THIS CONTEXT?
TG: ugh i know this is my fault but i still hate every second of it
CG: I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE FEELING!
TG: yeah but see when you do it its funny
CG: FUCK OFF AND GET TO THE POINT.
TG: okay alright
TG: okay
TG: here goes
TG: i
TG: think
TG: that you are
TG: uh
TG: a
TG: attr
TG: h
TG: god why is this one so much harder to say
CG: DAVE, ARE YOU IN YOUR RESPITEBLOCK RIGHT NOW?
TG: um yeah why
TG: pretty wild subject change dude
CG: BECAUSE I THINK I'M UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY, AND I FIGURED THAT INSTEAD OF WATCHING YOU DROWN IN YOUR OWN INEPTITUDE, I COULD PUT BOTH OF US OUT OF OUR MISERY AND JUST COME OVER.
TG: what so you can watch me drown in person
CG: NO, SO I CAN KISS YOU, DUMBASS.
CG: UH. IF THAT'S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO, AND I'M NOT MISREADING THIS HORRIBLY.
CG: HAHA FUCK I PROBABLY AM, THIS WAS SO PRESUMPTUOUS!
CG: SHIT, I'LL JUST. UM.
TG: hey karkat
CG: WHAT?
TG: the doors unlocked
CG: OH.
CG: SO THEN, YOU DO WANT TO. UH.
TG: smooch your brains out
CG: YEAH. THAT.
TG: p desperately if were being real
TG: which i also want to do
TG: be real with you i mean
TG: shit
TG: what im trying to say is that i want it all
TG: god that sounds so dumb doesnt it
CG: HEY DAVE?
CG: I'M COMING IN NOW.
TG: oh thank god
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]