Chapter Text
In this world, your status is not determined by how rich you are, your heritage, or anything like that. No, in this world, you are bound to a ranking system, which, by the way, is completely based on how lucky you are and what kind of environment you grew up in.
So as you see, our lovely protagonist Tommy over here ended up as a common F-rank. No surprises here.
All is good, all is normal, until this bitch gets 3 SSS-rank skills.
Now that's a problem.
"Oh my Prime, you've got to be fucking with me why three!" the infamous Theseus, otherwise known as Tommy, or, Mr Innit, as his manager loves to passive-aggressively use on him said calmly.
"Papa?" ah look, there's his child #1!! What a lovely child you have there Mr Innit.
"Clementine? Oh shit, what are you doing up so late, huh?" the blond staggered up from where he had fallen on the ground, rushing over towards his eldest in a daze.
Said child, who is also averaging eight years old and also better than you, shrugged. "I heard Papa fall over," she explained with great elaboration.
"Ah," Tommy answered eloquently. So eloquently in fact, that many would shed tears if they had heard it. "Where's Shroud?"
"He's still asleep. You know that he sleeps like the dead at this time," Clementine offered wise words of wisdom.
Tommy sighed heavily and stood up. "Right, of course he is. Where else would he be, anyways?" probably in the bathroom but that's another topic we are yet to breach. "Come now, back to bed you go. You do have a big day tomorrow, and Shroud has a playdate with Michael too."
"That piglin kid?" she asked, allowing herself to be pushed out of their kitchen and into her and Shroud's bedroom. "I thought they didn't like each other."
"Yes well, social interaction is important after all!" Tommy said, ignoring how he was basically being a hypocrite by saying that.
"Oh okay then! Goodnight Papa!" said Clementine, giving Tommy a little wave as he closed the door gently.
That's one crisis averted. Now we have the skills to worry about! How delightful. Tommy, being smart for once, turned and took another deep sigh before going back to the kitchen and opening his status window. There, sat the three culprits who stole his perfectly wonderful life away.
Asclepius's Blessing - SSS-rank
Ares's Protection - SSS-rank
and...
Oh? How interesting. It seems like the wonderful and oh-so-amazing Tommy Innit has a trump card up his sleeve now. Wonder how he'll use it, hmm.
"Okay, let's see...Ascelpius's Blessing gives me healing powers, which is always a good thing to have. Ares's Protection...sword fighting? What the fuck."
You see, Tommy is not very fit, especially with his noodle arms and weak legs. But still, the skill is quite good for someone like him who never really learned any sort of self-defense other than using a knife and trying to slice someone with it.
"Oh wait, it's supposed to let me see my opponent's next movement? Woah, okay that's actually kind of cool."
While he was busy fanboying over his newfound abilities which just so happened to spawn while he was carrying boxes at midnight, he realized something very important.
"Oh my Prime I can legally drink now-"
Contrary to popular belief, Tommy is not an idiot.
Of course, some people, like his children for example, would like to beg to differ on this matter, to which our lovely protagonist would say "then beg" in response. What a delightful answer.
"Happy birthday Papa! You're legally allowed to look after us now! And no one will question you at work too!"
Shroud, Tommy's youngest and averaging five years old and still better than you, only nodded and gave Tommy a very lovely hug on his left leg. "Aww, thank you guys, I love you too!" he said brightly, patting them both on the heads.
"PAPA!" a yell echoed through the house. Oh look, here's the third child. "HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY!" yelled the child, barreling into his father and headbutting him in the process.
Finally, we have Henry, The oldest of the three and averaging eleven years old and, as usual, better than you. "Papa papa papa papa papa I bought you a gift look!"
Clementine scoffed at that. "You bought a gift? With what money?"
Henry detached himself from Tommy, glaring at Clementine. "With the money I earned, of course! I'm not a heathen and a scammer like you!"
His sister gasped and fumed, seriously offended. "Says you! You're the one who was stealing from the other kids last week!" she snitched, and since snitches get stitches, Henry ran at her and they both crashed onto the wooden floor.
Meanwhile, Tommy ignored his feral children in favour of picking Shroud up and placing him on the dinner table. "Hey buddy, what did you get for me, hm?"
Shroud visibly lit up at that, so it must be something good. He reached his little hand into his pocket and pulled out three little bracelets with charms of a cow, moth and spider on them respectively. Aww, is it representing each of Tommy's kids? How adorable!
Tommy pinched the child's cheeks and beamed. "That's so sweet of you! Let me guess, you're the spider, Clemmy's the moth, and Henry's the cow, right?" Shroud nodded, and Tommy's smile became bigger.
He quickly put Shroud down, and sent him off to pacify the his two eldest while he snuck off to work. Sure, it's his birthday, but since taxes exists he can't spare a day without working his ass off. However, he did get some really good skills he could use to hunt monsters with, which means that this month's expenses could be solved with how much hunting usually gives.
The blond has been so lost in thought that he didn't even notice the man in front of him had stopped walking, because he is an idiot and always will be, and crashed into said man in a very not watermelon way.
"Ah! Sir I'm so sorry! Are you alrig-"
As it seems, Tommy was not having a very pog day, as the guy turned around to face him with a very angry look on his face. Apparently, he was the cliche 'strong against the weak and weak against the strong', because he grabbed Tommy by his collar and lifted him up with his bulky arms.
Skill activated!
"Who do you think you are?" the man spits out, anger only increasing when he didn't get his wanted reaction from the blond. "You think you can just push me and not have any consequences?!"
Sadly, our protagonist was a bit preoccupied with looking at the absurd arrows pointing to the man's next movement, so he didn't really answer. Angered to the point of anger, the man throws a very stereotypical punch at him, which he very epicly dodges thanks to his skill by turning his head slightly to the right.
The man narrowed his eyes and started to try and punch him in the face again and again, which fails to work and only make him even more determined. Meanwhile, since we have a 'be an upstander not a bystander' rule, someone had called the police, and the loud sirens interrupted their punch-and-dodge, which, in Tommy's opinion, really was not the most fun in the world.
"Oh wow, the police are here, better get running then, eh?" he said, snickering a little. However, this brief yet very obvious display of cockiness has its own results: a successful punch in the face by the guy.
"OW! What the fuck man-" he said very eloquently as he was dropped onto the ground. "Well, that's gonna leave a bruise."
What a terrible day for the Tommy Innit community, truly.
Niki Nihachu may be eighth on the rankings, but she wasn't cruel by any means, and so when the man punches the poor kid straight in the face and then drops him on the floor, she sees red.
She storms over and single-handedly deals with the man herself, knowing that the police won't even bother trying to stop her in fear that she'd wring their necks and leave their bodies scattered all over the city for the authorities to find. They'd tried to stop her before, and the results weren't pretty. Hopefully, they learn this time.
The woman flips him onto his back and gives him a good kick in the stomach, before turning to the poor child and pickin- why in the Prime was he so light? Is this kid malnourished or something? Surely that's not usual for kids his age...
"Miss Nihachu!" an officer calls out from within the gathered crowd, steps faltering as he assesses the situation in front of him. "What happ-"
"Take him to the hospital for a quick check-up," she interrupts, dumping the body into the officer's arm, preparing to leave the scene. "Also, make sure you lock this guy up. We can't have him lashing out at other people. I'll be making sure you do, anyways."
The officer nodded, breaking out slightly in sweat as Niki Nihachu made her grand exit. He glanced down at the kid in his arms and sighed. Does he really have to take this kid to the hospital?
Because for some reason the universe decided to bless this officer with wonderful luck, his wish was granted as Tommy opened his eyes and let out a groan, feeling like he had just woken up late for school on a Monday morning with at least three of his least favourite subjects on his schedule and detention afterward too and also a shit ton of homework.
"Oh hey, kid! You've woken up!" the officer said with a smile on his face. "Now can you leave?"
Tommy frowned in confusion. "What."
"Get off me please."
"Oh," he said eloquently. So eloquently that everyone who heard it shed a small tear in their hearts. "Um, no offense but also full offense, who are you?"
"Why don't you get down first?"
"Oh okay," he said once again very eloquently. He climbs off the officer.
Said officer then begins to leave, yelling orders at the other policemen and pointing at the guy who punched Tommy in the face, who was now apparently on the ground. Oh yeah, he's got a bruise now. He whips out his phone, which was very safely tucked away in his pocket with absolutely no cracks whatsoever, and checks his appearance real quick. Which is not looking good, due to the blossoming bruise on the left side of his jaw.
Well, that's going to be such a pain to cover up and keep away from his kids.
He eyes the police a bit more, wondering if they would care if he left. Actually, he's very obviously an F-rank, so no one technically gives a shit about him. Sad, but oh well.
The blond slips into the slowly dispersing crowd, mentally preparing himself for the day's busy schedule of listing down food, carrying it out and making sure to not trip, and overall dealing with the constant insults about him being an F-rank.
Our lovely protagonist is truly have the time of his life right now.
"Listen here, Fred-"
"I-It's Ted, actually-"
"Ted or Fred, they're both the same thing anyways. But-"
"They're really not-"
"Shut it Ned. Anyways, listen closely because these guys are the big shots and the boss said that if we messed this one up he'll personally come in here to throw cheese graters at us. Now you don't want that to happen, do you now Ked?"
"...no of course not."
"Me neither Sed, so let's get started on this order, okay?"
"I- you know what, okay sure thing. What's first?"
"This one guy wants the ramen with horse meat strips and scallops."
"......."
"......."
"That's not even on the menu-"
"Just shut up and make it, Red. Don't make me say it twice."
By the time Schlatt had let them go, it was already 11 pm and Tommy was slightly fascinated and also deeply disturbed by not only the number of fancy-ass dishes the group had ordered, but also what the contents of it was. Like who in the Prime still ate turtles?! Aren't they going extinct or something??
They were, in fact going extinct, but it's not like the humans have the time to care about them anymore, so that's that. Anyways, don't throw plastic into the oceans kids, it's not very watermelon.
"Good job my subordinates!" exclaimed Schlatt, all smirks and smugness. "You all have done well. Here's a $200 bill for your troubles."
How nice of him to finally give them something with 3 digits. "Thank you Mr Schlatt," Gred and Tommy chorused simultaneously. "Will they be back here tomorrow too?"
Schlatt nods as he hands them the money. "Yes! They've decided to come at 6 am, so be on time!"
At this point both of them had given up on trying to keep a decent sleep schedule. Then Jed spoke up. "Um, Mr Schlatt, they're not an illegal group or anything right? Because if they are I might have to quit."
Said man stills and narrows his eyes at Led. "They shouldn't be. Why do you have to quit if they are?"
"I have a religious mother," he said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
"Oh," Schlatt and Tommy both said very eloquently. It was so eloquently spoken that even Ged's religious mother cried because of it.
"Well Bed-"
"it's Ted, actually-"
"Qed, you can tell your mother to not worry about it so much. I am a very trustworthy person, after all," said Schlatt with the confidence of a goat. Oh wait, he is one. Never mind, that explains everything actually. He does have horns on his head after all.
"Uh, okay then Mr Schlatt," Fed very wisely said.
"Goodnight then my wonderful subordinates," Schlatt said cheerfully, waving goodbye as he turns and bolts out of his restaurant as fast as he can.
"Huh, I wonder why he was running," said Tommy, peering curiously after him.
"Me too," agreed Hed.
Then they heard the sirens.
Honestly Mr Schlatt, that was a very dick move of you and it was not very watermelon. Tommy would like a lawyer right here to sue the guy.