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Imogen had been one of the first people Nick had met in first year. She was a tiny ball of energy—bubbly and upbeat—and she loved to drag Nick along on adventures. Early in first semester, she had asked Nick out, and he had happily said yes, but after a few months of dates that felt more like friendly hangouts and attempts at making out that felt ... fine, but unexciting, they'd quickly realized that they were more friends than anything else. Nick didn't regret it though—he'd gained an amazing friend and confidante out of it, even if not a girlfriend.
Besides, Imogen had ultimately been a catalyst for a lot of change in Nick's life. She had been the one to make him stop moping about in his dorm room watching reruns of Lassie when the homesickness overtook him ("I just miss Nellie, okay?" he'd whined, and Imogen had just rolled her eyes and turned off the telly). The one who, a month after they'd broken up, for all that it had changed nothing about their relationship, had decided that he needed to "get over her by getting under another girl" and dragged him to a party. The party, really—the one where he'd gotten far too drunk and begun thinking just a little too hard about how pretty the captain of the men's football team was and how his stubbly jaw might feel under Nick's fingertips.
When Nick had awoken the next morning, with a hangover and some blank spots in his memory of the previous night, he had been greeted by a single text notification staring up at him from the glowing screen of his phone.
Imogen 9:34am
So why didn't you tell me you fancied lads as well?
Nick had spluttered at his phone, squeezing his eyes shut in confusion as if the message might be different when he opened his eyes again. He had no idea what Imogen was talking about, but something was niggling at the back of his brain, causing his already aching head to pound even harder. He lay still with his eyes closed for a few long moments, willing his head and stomach to stop staging a rebellion while he racked his brain.
"Fuck!" he yelled suddenly, shooting up into a sitting position and instantly regretting it as his stomach roiled. Nick's hazy memory had conjured an image of him sitting on a couch in one corner of the crowded party, drunkenly rambling to Imogen about the football captain's jaw of all things. Nick buried his head in his hands, confusion and embarrassment coursing through him.
Nick 11:23am
I ... don't think I do? Didn't think I did?
Nick 11:24am
I'm not really sure where any of that came from
Nick had flopped back down on his bed, phone still in his hand as he waited for Imogen's reply. Swallowing hard, Nick thought again about the football captain. In his now mostly sober brain, he didn't feel quite as passionately about the man's jaw, but he still felt ... something. As he lay there, other flashes of memories began to worm their way into Nick's brain. The story his mum used to tell about Nick’s childhood crush on Prince Charming. The way he'd felt the first time back in the locker room year 11, after half the rugby team had suddenly gotten taller and broader over the summer. The way he'd been obsessed with Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean in his early teens—he'd always thought he wanted to be Will and be with Kiera Knightley’s Elizabeth, but he'd spent the whole movie waiting intently for Will's scenes.
Nick's breathing had turned sharp and almost panicked in his chest, and he could feel tears sliding sideways down his cheeks as he lay staring up at the ceiling. He had stayed like that for a while until the tears subsided and his breathing calmed down to just the occasional hitched breath.
Just as he'd begun to slip back toward sleep, a knock on the door of his dorm room startled him back awake. Dragging himself slowly out of bed and pulling on a pair of discarded sweatpants over the boxers he had worn to bed, he padded the few steps across his small room to the door. When he swung it open tentatively, he was greeted by Imogen on the other side, holding a tray with two cups of coffee in one hand, and a grease-stained bag in the other.
"I brought breakfast sandwiches," she said, holding up the bag in offering.
As much as Nick had expected a text from Imogen rather than the girl herself at his door, he couldn't even begin to explain how grateful he was that she was there. He felt himself begin to get choked up again, and he swallowed hard, trying to keep himself from crying again. Imogen noticed immediately.
"Oh, Nicky," Imogen said, stepping forward to wrap her arms around him in a hug as well as she could with her hands full of breakfast. Nick wrapped his arms around Imogen's waist, his head dropping briefly to her shoulder. She was the only person other than his mum who called him Nicky, and for a moment that connection comforted him.
He pulled back after a moment and nodded resolutely, before taking the tray of coffees silently out of Imogen's hand and leading her into the room. Nick plunked back down on the edge of his bed, balancing the coffees on his tiny nightstand, while Imogen settled herself into the rather uncomfortable chair at his desk. Once they had traded one of the coffees for one of the sandwiches, they settled into silence. Nick could feel Imogen's eyes boring into him as he took a long drag of his coffee and then tore into the breakfast sandwich. The greasy food tasted like heaven in his hungover state, and Nick groaned quietly in pleasure as he inhaled the sandwich in too few bites.
After a couple more sips of his coffee, Nick finally looked back toward his friend. Imogen paused in her own eating, still holding half of her sandwich delicately in her manicured hand. She waited for a long moment in silence, and Nick knew she was waiting for him to broach the subject himself. The problem was that he didn’t know what to say.
Imogen finally took pity on him and said quietly, “So, how are you feeling?”
“Hungover,” Nick said, though he knew that wasn’t what she had meant. “And confused,” he continued after a moment.
Imogen nodded understandingly. “You know it’s okay to like boys though, right?” Imogen pressed gently.
Nick bobbed his head. “Of course I do,” he said. “I just didn’t know that I did.”
Imogen folded the wrapper over her half-eaten sandwich and placed it on the desk before moving to sit next to Nick on the bed, her shoulder gently leaning into his in a comforting gesture. “So, you do think you do like them then?” she asked tentatively.
Nick’s mouth felt dry, and his palms felt clammy with anxiety as he wiped them against his sweatpants. “I’m not really sure,” he told her honestly. “I’ve never really … thought about it, I guess. I’ve always liked girls, and I’d just never really considered that there might be more to it than that.”
“Well,” Imogen said gently, “at least that’s one thing you seem to know for certain then, yeah? Girls are a definite go.”
Nick felt his mouth tug up into a lopsided smile and he laughed gently, though it came out sounding vaguely pained. “That they are.”
“I know I’m not really one to give advice on this topic,” Imogen said, “but maybe it’s okay if you don’t know more than that right now?”
“I guess so,” Nick said, though it had felt anything but okay to him in that moment.
After Imogen had left, Nick had gone online, spending the rest of the day lost in forums and Facebook groups dedicated to those questioning their sexuality. It didn’t help him to feel any less confused, but at least he felt a little less alone by the time he closed the lid on his laptop and headed to the dining hall for dinner.
***
It was only a few days later when Imogen asked Nick to meet her and some friends for lunch between classes. It was a bright January day and Nick met Imogen in the dining hall, settling into the seat beside her at the table. A few minutes later, Imogen lifted her hand high in the air, waving over a pair of girls, one with brown skin and dark, curly hair, and the other fair and blonde.
“Tara! Darcy!” Imogen called to the pair, gesturing for them to join them at the table. “Tara, Darcy, this is Nick,” Imogen said, gesturing to Nick. “Nick, this is Tara and Darcy,” she told him, pointing to each of the girls in turn.
“Hi,” Nick said, smiling at them, “it’s nice to meet you both.”
It didn’t take long for Nick to realize from the little touches and glances the two girls shared that Tara and Darcy were a couple. He glanced over at Imogen, catching her watching him before she flitted her eyes away. His suspicions were confirmed in that moment; this lunch was Imogen’s attempt to give Nick something she couldn’t be for him—queer friends. People who he could ask questions and talk to about anything LGBTQIA+ related if he wanted or needed to. Nick couldn’t even be slightly annoyed about it; it was an absolutely Imogen way of showing support and helping Nick to figure himself out. Besides, Nick was really enjoying talking to Tara and Darcy, and he really hoped they could actually become friends beyond just being his gay gurus.
After nearly an hour of easy conversation, Tara checked her watch and said “Sorry, but Darce and I have to go! We have a Rainbow Alliance meeting in a few minutes over in the student centre.”
“It was really nice to meet you both,” Nick told them honestly.
“You too,” Tara replied, and Darcy smiled and nodded in agreement.
“Y’know,” Darcy told Nick, “the Rainbow Alliance is always looking for members if you ever want to come along to a meeting.” She looked toward Imogen and continued, “Allies are always welcome too.” Imogen nodded brightly, and Nick spluttered internally, wondering if Darcy had just somehow read him as queer without him having said a single word about the fact that he was questioning his sexuality.
Once Tara and Darcy had picked up their things and headed off toward the student centre, hands intwined and swinging between them as they walked, Imogen turned to Nick, looking very slightly abashed.
“So, what do you think?” she asked.
“Tara and Darcy seem really nice,” Nick told her.
“They are,” Imogen replied, “but you know that’s not what I was asking about.”
Nick sighed. “I’m just not sure I’m quite there yet, Imogen.”
“That’s okay,” Imogen said. “But if you want to go to a meeting, I’ll go with you if you’d like.”
“Thanks,” Nick said quietly.
***
It took nearly a month for Nick to get to a point where he felt ready to go to a Rainbow Alliance meeting. A month of infinite Googling, watching of YouTube videos, and self-reflection, combined with a little bit of delving into the gay sections of porn sites. He still wasn’t sure about his own sexuality, but okay, yeah, gay porn was pretty hot.
Even if he still didn’t have any answers about how exactly he identified, Nick had become pretty certain that he was at least somewhat attracted to men and had begun to grow comfortable with it.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Imogen asked Nick, as he was fixing his hair nervously before leaving the library where he and Imogen had been studying. “I was serious when I said I would.”
“I know you were,” Nick said, smiling at her. “But I think this might be something I need to do without you by my side.”
Imogen smiled understandingly, reaching out one hand toward Nick, which he took so she could squeeze his hand comfortingly. “Well, let me know how it goes, yeah?”
“Of course,” Nick told her, with a small smile. “Meet you for dinner at 6:30?” Imogen nodded brightly and let go of Nick’s hand before ushering him away.
Nick stopped a few steps shy of a door that had multiple signs on it, all featuring various forms of rainbows. The door was propped open partway and Nick could see and hear a number people in the room already. He took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly in an attempt to calm his nerves, and then he reached out to push the door fully open and step inside.
“Nick!” he heard Darcy’s voice call out before he could even finish looking around the room. He felt some of his anxiety melt away immediately as he went to sit by Darcy and Tara, perching on a chair next to the loveseat the pair had taken over. “I’m so happy you finally came!” Darcy proclaimed.
“Thanks,” Nick said, trying not to show his nerves.
“It’s okay if you’re nervous,” Tara said. “I was nervous the first time we came too, but everyone is really nice.”
Nick gave her a small smile in reply, but before he could say anything, an older student stood up at one edge of the sort of loose circle everyone had formed around the room and called the meeting to order. The student was average height with a heavier build, and a pleasant, welcoming face.
“Hello everyone,” they began. “It’s great to see so many of you here today!” They smiled around the room at the assembled group—Nick counted about 25 people all together. “I see some new faces today,” they nodded at Nick and toward a pair in the back corner who Nick thought looked about as nervous as he felt. “For those who don’t know me, I’m TJ, and my pronouns are they and them. For the sake of time, we won’t go around the whole room, but I encourage you all to introduce yourselves to our new members after the meeting!”
Nick was glad he wasn’t going to be forced to awkwardly introduce himself and give an interesting fact about himself, or whatever ice breakers groups usually seemed to be subjected to. He let himself sink back into his seat and listen as the group around him discussed recent LGBTQIA+ news stories and plans for the group’s upcoming pub night.
Although Nick had nothing to contribute to the discussion, he absorbed as much as he could, making mental note of questions he wanted to Google or ask Tara and Darcy about after the meeting. He also spent some time glancing around the room at the other students at the meeting; he didn’t recognize anyone but Tara, Darcy, and one boy (person, Nick reminded himself, trying to remember not to assume gender) who he thought was in his history class. The people in the room were both exactly who Nick would have thought to see and also not at all who he would have thought at the same time. There were people who clearly wore their identities boldly and loudly, in rainbow pins, tees emblazoned with statements like “fatigay” (which made Nick chuckle quietly), and clothes that defied gender norms. And then there were those who, until recently, Nick probably wouldn’t even have considered might be anything but straight. Nick grimaced a little internally; he felt a bit of shame about just how much he hadn’t known—how much he hadn’t bothered to even try to learn until it pertained to him directly. But he was doing his best to make up for it now.
When the official meeting ended, the unofficial social hour began.
“So, not so scary, right?” asked Tara.
“No, not scary at all,” Nick replied. “Except for the part where I thought they might make me introduce myself in front of the group.” Both girls laughed.
Nick continued chatting with Tara and Darcy, and other members of the group slowly filtered by, many stopping to introduce themselves to Nick and chat for a bit. Nick did his level best to remember as many names and pronouns as he could, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get them all in one go, but determined to try.
As Nick, Tara, and Darcy finally left the student centre, nearly an hour after the official meeting had ended, Darcy looked over at Nick and said, “So, how does it feel to be the hot new piece of ass in the room?”
“What?” Nick spluttered loudly.
“Oh, come on,” Darcy continued, smacking one hand good naturedly against Nick’s shoulder. “You must have noticed how many people in the room were giving you the ol’ up and down.”
“The what?” Nick asked again, feeling totally lost. Darcy stopped walking, placing herself in front of Nick so that he had to stop too, and then she gave him a slow once over, from his head to his toes and back up. Nick felt himself blush to the roots of his hair. “They were not!” Nick said adamantly.
“Oh, they were,” Tara confirmed. “Derrick seemed particularly interested, if the way he was staring at you was any indication.”
“You thought so too?” Darcy almost cheered, her voice gleeful. “I mean, he’s rather fit for a boy, isn’t he?”
“I think so,” Tara agreed. “What do you think, Nick?”
Nick wracked his brain, trying to remember which one Derrick had been. It took a moment before he remembered the tall boy with light brown hair and rectangular glasses. “Yeah, he was pretty good looking.”
“Sooooo, are you interested?” Darcy wheedled.
“I don’t really know him,” Nick said with a shrug.
“You don’t need to know someone to have a little fun though, eh?” Darcy asked lasciviously.
Tara laughed but then said, “Maybe we should leave him alone for today, Darce. Nick is probably a bit overwhelmed right now anyway.”
“Just a bit, yeah,” Nick said. “I just feel like there’s so much to learn. Like I’ve been really naïve up until now, I guess.” He shrugged his shoulders, feeling the guilt weigh heavy on his shoulders.
“I mean, none of us know what we don’t know,” Tara said gently. “You know what I mean?” Nick nodded. “It’s not like anyone taught any of us how to be good, socially conscious queers, or even good allies.”
Nick thought about that the rest of his walk home. It was true, no one had taught him any of those things, but he had been raised to be a good person and to respect others, and he was determined to make sure that he did that in this aspect of his life at least as well as he did in any other.
***
Nick was grateful that he’d already received a text from Tara telling him “We’re here—the group’s right in the back!” before he even made it to the pub. He’d been to a couple of Rainbow Alliance meetings, but this was the first time he would be hanging out with most of the group in another context. He was still a bit nervous about the possibility of being put in the position of talking about his own sexuality (bisexual, he thought, maybe … but he hadn’t even managed to say it out loud to himself yet, much less anyone else), especially with a group of people who seemed so firm in their own identities.
It took approximately 45 minutes of hanging out with the group—most of which had been spent talking about every topic under the sun, from sports (which Nick happily chimed in on), to musicals (which Nick stayed silent on, having no idea about anything musical-theatre related), to Mr. Nicholls the maths prof—before Nick’s assumptions were blown completely out of the water.
“So,” a small blond boy a few seats down from Nick (Ishaan, Nick recalled) spoke up during a lull in the noise level at the table. “Can I ask you guys—sorry, you all—how you knew you were gay, or lesbian, or queer?” The boy looked nervous as he spoke. “I’m just still so … unsure how I identify, y’know?”
“Oh god, same,” chimed in one of the others from down the table. “Every time I think I’ve figured it out it’s like something changes again!”
TJ spoke up then, “I think it’s dependent on the person, yeah? I mean, I always knew I liked girls, so I identified as a lesbian in high school, but then the last couple years I’ve realized I’m non-binary too. I’m still not sure if I like using the term lesbian for myself anymore,” they said, shrugging.
Nick could feel himself smiling a little, and suddenly Tara’s hand reached across the table and squeezed his gently. He looked up to find her smiling back at him. It gave Nick the rest of the courage he needed to join the conversation.
“I’m still not really sure either,” Nick started. “I think maybe I might be bi, but it’s not like anyone really comes by with name tag stickers and just gives you a label, is it?” Nick wrinkled his nose, and some of the others at the table laughed.
“Hello, my name is LESBIAN,” Darcy said, laughing, as she swished her hands in an arc in the air on the word “lesbian” as if drawing a big banner in front of her.
“But really,” one of the older students chimed in, “it’s normal not to be certain, and you don’t have to label yourself at all if you don’t like. Labels can help you find others who experience things similarly to how you do, but it’s not like every asexual person or every gay person has the exact same experience anyway.”
The conversation eventually drifted back to other topics, and Nick jumped in happily, feeling like the weight on his shoulders has lifted significantly.
***
When Nick’s mum picked him up at the end of term, he came out to her in the car on the ride home. She immediately pulled over on the shoulder of the busy street to pull him into a hug across the front console of the car. “Oh, Nicky,” she said, looking like she might cry. “I love you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.”
Nick beamed for the rest of the drive.
***
The summer passed in a blur. Nick spent most of his break working at a rugby camp for little kids, and when he wasn’t there, he was busy watching movies with his mum, walking his dog Nellie, and hanging out with the couple of friends from high school that he’d bothered to stay in touch with (if he’d been honest, he wasn’t all that sad to leave many of his so-called “friends” behind when he left for uni).
When second year started, Nick was excited. He loved his mum, and he was going to miss her and Nellie as much as he had the year before, but he was also excited to get back to the place where he’d begun to really find himself. Besides, he’d be sharing a flat off campus with Imogen, and he couldn’t wait to get it all set up. Tara and Darcy had promised to come by for takeout and movies in a few days so they could have a house warming of sorts.
It was Friday night and still summer hot when Tara and Darcy arrived at the door of Nick and Imogen’s flat.
“Hi!” Nick said happily when he opened the door to the pair. “Come in!” He hugged each of them in turn as they entered, and Imogen appeared from the tiny kitchen, where she’d been opening a cheap bottle of champagne that she had insisted on getting to toast their new place.
“Come in, come in,” Imogen ushered, taking her turn to hug Tara and Darcy too. “Let’s have a tour and then we’ll settle in with some champers!” Imogen said enthusiastically, nearly bouncing on her toes in excitement to show off the flat. Nick rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled at his best friend.
After a tour that took no more than a few minutes given the rather miniscule size of their flat, the four of them settled into the living/dining space with the glasses of champagne that Imogen proudly handed out. “To us,” Imogen declared. “To our new home, to friendship, and to love.” They clinked glasses with a “cheers” and then swigged their drinks.
After hearing all about Tara and Darcy’s summer, Imogen regaled her friends with the story of her summer romance and new boyfriend, Kirk. Nick had already heard the story, but he beamed at his friend, enjoying seeing the happiness that radiated from her when she talked about Kirk.
“And what about you, Nick?” Tara asked when Imogen had been sufficiently poked and prodded at for details about her new romance. “How was your summer?”
“Yes,” Darcy put in dramatically, “did you have a torrid summer love affair?”
“A what?” Nick asked, laughing at the theatrics. “No, no romance for me,” he told the girls. “I spent the summer working and watching movies with my mum.”
“Oh,” Darcy said, “well no time like the new school year for a torrid love affair,” she said once again, hands gesturing grandly.
“Enough with the torrid love affair!” Nick declared, grinning. The funny thing was, even once Nick had determined that, yes, he was definitely bisexual, it wasn’t really like anything had changed. He still hadn’t been on a date since Imogen, and he was perfectly fine with that. It’s not like he had to go kiss a boy now. Or more girls. Or anyone, really. He certainly didn’t need a torrid love affair, at any rate. “Let’s just see what happens, yeah?” he said.
***
As fate would have it—and maybe fate DID have a hand in it, Nick would think later—it was the very first Rainbow Alliance meeting of the year when Nick first saw him.
Nick ambled into the room used for all Rainbow Alliance meetings, waving and chatting lightly with those he knew from the previous year as students continued to filter in. There were already a couple of new students Nick could tell must have been freshers scattered about the room, mostly looking about as uncomfortable as Nick remembered feeling during those first couple meetings he had attended. He tried to smile welcomingly at them as he found his usual spot, right next to the couch that Darcy and Tara typically claimed, though they seemed not to have arrived just yet.
Just as Nick was considering texting his friends to see where they were, a bright laugh caught his attention. Nick flicked his eyes toward the door, watching a trio of freshers bundle into the room together, an air of easy friendship evident between them. Nick looked to each of them in turn, parsing the parts of this bright trio. The one closest to Nick was a tall Asian boy wearing a beanie from under which his hair flipped up almost comically. He was holding hands with a girl nearly his own height; she was pretty, with brown skin and tightly curled hair that was half tied up—she smiled broadly, and it made Nick want to smile back. Furthest from Nick was a smaller boy; he was slight and pale, with dark, curly hair that Nick’s fingers immediately itched to touch. Nick gulped lightly. Oh.
“Charlie, come on!” the tall girl called over her shoulder toward the shorter boy, as she half dragged the boy who seemed to be her boyfriend over toward the couch beside Nick.
Charlie, Nick thought, carefully filing the name away, knowing he would likely forget almost every other name told to him that day, but needing to remember that one.
Nick watched the trio settle onto the loveseat, which was, by rights, too small to fit three adults, though all three of them being quite slim, and the couple seeming more than happy to sit partially on top of one another, they seemed to make it work just fine. The curly haired boy—Charlie—looked up once he’d sat down, his eyes finding Nick’s.
“Hi,” the boy said.
“Hi,” Nick replied, smiling lopsidedly before forcing himself to turn his gaze away as Asan, the new president of the club following TJ’s graduation the previous year, spoke up to call the meeting to order.
Nick wasn’t sure he really heard any of the discussion that happened, distracted as he was by trying not to stare at the boy next to him. At one point, he caught himself looking and turned his head away quickly, only to catch Darcy’s eye where she and Tara sat across the room. Darcy gave him a scrutinizing look and then turned away to whisper in her girlfriend’s ear. A moment later, Tara’s eyes flickered up toward Nick and then over to Charlie and back—Nick kept his eyes carefully trained on Asan and pretended to listen.
When the meeting ended, Nick stood, only to find himself nearly face to face with Charlie.
“Hi,” Nick said, feeling stupid even as the word came out of his mouth. He’d already said that! He tried to smooth it over quickly. “I didn’t get to properly introduce myself before,” he continued, “I’m Nick.”
“Charlie,” the younger boy said. “And these are my friends,” Charlie gestured behind him, “Tao and Elle.”
“Hello,” the girl said cheerily. “Sorry, was it Nick?” Nick nodded in confirmation.
“Hello,” the tall boy said, his voice monotone and face looking unenthused to the point of put out. Nick was sure his face must have reflected his slight surprise at the response.
“Ignore Tao,” Charlie said, “his face just looks like that.”
“Hey!” Tao called, looking scandalized.
“Oh my god, you’re so dramatic,” Elle said, rolling her eyes fondly at her boyfriend. “Just be nice for another 10 minutes, and then we’ll go back to the dorms and you can pick a film for us to watch.”
“I take it you three have known each other a while,” Nick said to Charlie as he took in the group’s dynamics.
“Far too long, I think” Charlie said, laughing. “Which is why I need to make some new friends!”
“Well, you’re in a good place for that,” Nick told him with a smile.
“I hope so,” Charlie said, his face scrunching up in the most adorable way Nick had ever seen. “I love Tao and Elle, but being best friends with a couple who got together in high school kind of makes me the third wheel a lot.”
Nick scrunched his nose sympathetically. “Speaking of third wheeling,” he said, seeing Tara and Darcy appear at his side, “this is Darcy and Tara.” Nick gestured to each of them in turn. “This is Charlie,” Nick told the pair, and then pointed off behind Charlie’s shoulder “and his friends Tao and Elle.”
“Hi Charlie,” Tara said with a wave.
“I hope this big lunk didn’t scare you off,” Darcy said, clapping her hands on Nick’s shoulders. “I promise there are plenty of far cooler people in this club.” Nick rolled his eyes before retuning his gaze to Charlie’s. The younger boy was covering his mouth with one hand to hide a laugh, but he gave Nick a sympathetic look, like he knew exactly how it felt to be in Nick’s position.
“Well,” Charlie said, “I should go—we did promise Tao a film night, and he’ll get snippy if we keep him from it for too long. It was really nice to meet you all though.”
“You too,” Nick said, as the girls chorused goodbyes.
The moment Nick, Tara, and Darcy made it outside, the girls turned on him. “Soooo,” Darcy drawled, elongating the word unnecessarily, “what was with the googly eyes?”
“Googly eyes?” Nick asked, feigning nonchalance and hoping he was misunderstanding Darcy’s question.
“Oh, come on, Nick,” Tara prodded good naturedly, “you were looking at Charlie like he hung the moon.”
“I was NOT,” Nick protested weakly. The girls giggled and Nick saw them give each other a significant look. They seemed to drop it for the moment, but Nick was sure this wouldn’t be the last he heard of it.
***
Nick was proven right almost immediately. He was sitting on the couch in the small living area of the flat he shared with Imogen, playing Mario Kart on his switch, when Imogen dropped into the spot beside him and unceremoniously said, “so the girls tell me you’re crushing on some fresher?”
Nick immediately drove off the side of the racetrack.
“I am not!” he said adamantly, though he could feel his cheeks growing hot with a blush.
“Uh huh,” Imogen tutted, poking Nick’s reddened cheek teasingly. “So, what’s their name?”
Nick held out for all of about five seconds before caving and muttering, “Charlie.”
“Ah, so this person does exist,” Imogen teased.
Nick slumped back into the couch, one hand coming up to rub at his face, Switch controller forgotten to one side. “Yes, he exists.”
“And you like him?” Imogen prompted.
“I barely know him,” Nick said.
“But you liked what you saw.” Nick nodded, both hands now covering his heated face. After a moment, Imogen nearly yelled “Wait!” causing Nick to jump. “Is this your first like, proper crush on a boy?”
“I guess,” he mumbled.
“Nickyyyy,” Imogen said warmly, enveloping Nick in a hug. Nick finally dropped his hands, leaning into Imogen as she hugged him. They stayed like that for a while, and Nick closed his eyes, picturing blue eyes, curly hair, and a soft smile.
***
Nick lay in bed that night unable to shake the picture of Charlie’s laugh and the way his nose had crinkled when he’d made a face at his friends. Without really thinking about it, Nick begins searching for Charlie on Instagram. Having no luck without much information to go on but a common enough first name, Nick tried searching for Charlie’s friends, and then stopped himself. “What am I doing?” he asked himself, forcing himself to close the Instagram app and put his phone down before turning over to face away from where it sat on his bedside table, as if not looking at his phone would somehow remove the urge to scour the internet for any way to find out more about the boy he couldn’t get out of his mind.
***
Nick didn’t see Charlie again until the following week’s Rainbow Alliance meeting. Tara and Darcy were already in their usual spot on the couch when Nick arrived, and he silently cursed his friends for their timely arrival. He hated himself just a little for feeling even more annoyed at them when Charlie, Elle, and Tao walked in just minutes later, and Nick saw Charlie glance over at Nick and then at the occupied couch beside him before following his friends to the other side of the room.
When the meeting ended, Nick hung around chatting with Tara and Darcy, trying to fight the urge to cross the room immediately to talk to Charlie. Tara and Darcy could clearly tell, and after just a few minutes of chatting they nearly shoved him across the room.
Nick tried to act casual as he made his way across the room to where Charlie, Elle, and Tao were gathered, chatting with a couple of the other first years. Charlie noticed Nick first, before he even reached their group, and he gave a small wave.
“Hi,” Charlie said, as soon as Nick got close enough. His smile was bright and wide, and Nick could feel his own smile grow in response. Nick thought maybe Charlie’s his voice sounded a bit … breathy? Excited maybe—probably just wishful thinking on his part though.
“Hi,” he said back, realizing that the rest of the group was still chatting and paying no attention to them. “How was your week?”
“It was okay,” Charlie said, “a bit overwhelming.”
“Yeah, first week of classes is a lot, isn’t it?” Nick asked. Charlie nodded, though he was still smiling. “Are you going to come to the group’s movie night on Friday?”
“I’m not sure,” Charlie said shrugging. “Tao and Elle are having a date night, and I’m not sure if I want to go alone.”
“You could come with me,” Nick said without thinking, before hastily adding “and Tara and Darcy! And I think my friend Imogen might come along too.” Nick couldn’t seem to stop himself from talking, continuing to add words to try to cover his slip. Charlie gave him an odd look that Nick couldn’t quite parse, but then his smile returned, if a little smaller than before.
“Yeah,” Charlie said, “that’d be nice.”
“Great!” Nick said, fighting down the fluttering sensation in his chest. “Here, why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll text you so we can make plans?” Nick proffered his phone, and Charlie took it, quickly typing in his contact info before handing it back.
“I guess I’ll see on you on Friday then,” Charlie said, sounding slightly tentative.
“Yeah!” Nick replied, “I’ll see you on Friday!”
***
On the walk back to his flat, Nick pulled out his phone, planning to text Charlie so he’d have Nick’s number as well. He tapped into the contacts, seeing the newly added contact still pulled up: Charlie Spring.
Charlie Spring Nick thought, smiling at the new piece of information about the boy as he sent off a quick message.
Nick 6:32pm
Hi Charlie! This is Nick :)
A few minutes later, Nick’s phone buzzed with an incoming message.
Charlie 6:37pm
:)
Nick stared at the little smiley face for far too long before closing out of the text and walking the rest of the way home in a daze.
***
Later that night, Nick found himself slightly guiltily searching “Charlie Spring” on Instagram. This time it took almost no time at all for the right page to pop up. Nick clicked in and began scrolling slowly through the pictures, grateful that Charlie’s profile was public. He smiled to himself as he looked at the pictures, many showing Charlie, Elle, and Tao together. In some older pictures they were accompanied by a blond boy tagged as @isaacreads, and in others Charlie was with a girl who could only be his sister, if their matching features and dark hair were anything to go by.
Scattered in among the happy posts were some darker posts—a school hallway with the caption “hate it here”, an image of a stormy winter day captioned “even the weather hates me”, and a handful of other images that made Nick’s heart hurt. He scrolled back up a bit, looking at one of the happier images of Charlie. He tried to zoom in on the image, accidentally double tapping the screen in his efforts. He immediately realized his mistake as the “like” heart icon appeared on the image.
Nick panicked, trying to decide whether he should unlike the image or just leave it, but before he could even decide, a notification popped up.
Charlie_Spr1 started following you.
There was nothing to be done for it now, Nick though, tapping the “follow” button on Charlie’s profile. Another notification came through, this time for a DM.
Charlie_Spr1
Are you stalking me, Mr. … I just realized I don’t know your last name XD
Nicholassssssssssz
Nelson.
Nicholassssssssssz
Sorry for being a creeper.
Nick watched the bubble pop up and disappear multiple times before another message finally came through from Charlie.
Charlie_Spr1
Mr. Nelson.
Charlie_Spr1
It’s fine … honestly, I was trying to find your account anyway
Nick’s heart leapt.
Nicholassssssssssz
Were you?
Nicholassssssssssz
You could have just asked for it, you know.
Charlie_Spr1
Look who’s talking!
Nicholassssssssssz
OKAY, fine, you’re right.
Charlie_Spr1
I always am ;)
Nicholassssssssssz
I’ll remember that
***
On Friday evening, Nick and Imogen wandered toward campus together after dinner.
“So, I finally get to meet Charlie then?” Imogen asked as they walked.
“Assuming he doesn’t cancel because he thinks I’m a crazy person for Insta stalking him, yeah,” Nick said. He was pretty sure Charlie hadn’t been at all scared off if the texting they’d been doing over the previous couple of days was any indication, but he couldn’t be entirely certain.
“Well, I’m excited,” Imogen told him. “Tara and Darcy said he’s cute, and I need to make judgements for myself.” Nick rolled his eyes.
“I suppose if he’s still not scared off by the end of tonight, he might just be a keeper,” Nick said, mostly to himself.
When they arrived at the room the club had booked for the night—a student lounge space that was often used for film nights and the like because of its large number of squashy seats and ample floorspace where people tended to stretch out on blankets and pillows—Nick spotted Tara and Darcy already there, standing off to one side and chatting with Charlie. Nick’s stomach did an awkward flipflop at the sight of his friends chatting with the boy he was rapidly developing an absolutely massive crush on.
“Hi everyone,” Nick said, looking around at the group as he an Imogen reached them. “Charlie, this is Imogen; Imogen, Charlie,” he said by way of introducing them.
“Hi Charlie,” Imogen said, stepping forward to hug Charlie in greeting. “It’s so nice to meet you!”
Nick caught Charlie’s startled look over the top of Imogen’s head as he was hugged, and then after a brief moment his face softened and he smiled. “It’s nice to meet you too, Imogen.”
“Should we find some seats now that we’re all here?” Tara asked, turning to look toward the couches and chairs that were beginning to fill up with Rainbow Alliance members and their friends.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” Nick replied.
As they headed off toward the couches, Imogen hung back briefly beside Nick to whisper “He’s adorable,” before she took off ahead with the other girls. By the time Nick made it over to his friends, they’d already claimed an area and decided who was sitting where. Tara, Darcy, and Imogen were piled onto a large couch, and they had claimed the loveseat beside them. “Here, Nick, you and Charlie can take this one!” Imogen said, patting the arm of the small sofa beside her.
Nick caught a wink from Darcy and tried to fight down a blush as he settled into the spot closest to Imogen, leaving the end farthest from his friends for Charlie.
“Is this okay?” Nick asked Charlie as the younger boy sat down beside him.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Charlie said, though Nick thought he looked slightly uncomfortable, almost like he was trying to take up as little of the loveseat as possible.
“Feel free to lounge if you want to,” Nick said. “I don’t mind.” Charlie’s posture softened a little, but he didn’t really move.
As the lights in the room were dimmed and the movie started, though, Nick couldn’t help but feel hyperaware of the boy next to him. It was almost like there was tension thrumming off of Charlie’s body, and when Nick looked over at him in the darkness, he caught Charlie’s eyes looking curiously at him for just a moment before they quickly flashed back to the screen.
Nick focused back on the screen for a bit until he looked over and realized that Charlie was rubbing his arms like he was freezing. Nick paused for a moment, just watching the boy, before he slid a few inches over on the couch cushion and slung his arm around Charlie’s shoulders. “Here,” Nick whispered before pulling Charlie gently against his side for warmth. Just for warmth, Nick thought. “You looked cold.”
Charlie tensed briefly under the touch and then Nick felt him relax against his side and wiggle a little to get comfortable as he burrowed into the warmth. Nick’s entire body was crackling with electricity at the feeling of Charlie pressed against his side.
At some point, Nick felt Charlie’s body go limp against him, his head heavy against Nick’s shoulder. Nick chuckled quietly, smiling warmly down at the sleeping boy.
It wasn’t until the lights were turned back up at the end of the movie that Charlie moved, blinking adorably as he took in his surroundings with a yawn. It took him a moment to register that he was still pressed up against Nick’s side, and the moment he did his eyes went wide and he seemed to go into high alert, body straightening and pulling away from Nick. “Sorry,” Charlie mumbled.
“It’s okay,” Nick told him, smiling. “I don’t mind being used as a pillow.” A light blush spread across Charlie’s cheeks, and Nick wanted to cup his hands around those cheeks so badly that his fingers tingled at the thought.
Imogen interrupted Nick’s thoughts and whatever odd moment was happening between the two boys a moment later. “So,” she said, “the girls and I were thinking of heading to the pub for a pint before we go home. Did you two want to come with?”
Nick looked at Charlie to gauge his reaction before responding.
“Um,” Charlie said, yawning again. “I think I should probably go home and get some sleep.”
“Why don’t I meet you at the pub, Imogen,” Nick said. “I’ll walk Charlie back first.”
“Oh, you really don’t have to!” Charlie protested.
“It’s dark and you’re exhausted,” Nick told him. “I just want to make sure you get back okay.”
“Okay,” Charlie whispered, the blush spreading across his cheeks again.
“Ooookay,” Imogen said. “Well, then I guess we’ll see you in a bit Nick. Charlie, it was really nice to meet you.”
Charlie nodded and smiled at her. “It was nice to meet you too, Imogen.”
They all said their goodbyes, Nick promising to meet up with his friends soon, before they headed their separate ways.
“Thank you for inviting me tonight,” Charlie said as he and Nick walking side by side across campus. “I had fun, even though I slept through half the movie.”
“I’m glad,” Nick said. “You’re more than welcome to join us anytime.” Nick paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “I’d really like to spend more time with you … even if you just want to use me as a pillow.”
Charlie laughed awkwardly. “I’m so sorry about that.” He sounded genuinely apologetic.
“It’s really okay, Charlie,” Nick told him softly. “It was kind of nice, actually.” Nick looked over as Charlie’s eyes shot up to his face questioningly.
They walked on in silence, but after a few steps Nick felt Charlie’s hand brushing against his, and then a moment later, Charlie’s cool hand tentatively slipping into his and holding fast. Nick’s breath caught in his throat, and he squeezed the hand in his gently.
When they arrived at Charlie’s dorm building, they stopped, hands dropping back to their own sides as they stood facing each other.
“Well, this is me,” Charlie said, stating the obvious.
“Okay,” Nick said. He didn’t want to leave, but he knew he had to, no matter how sleepy and snuggly Charlie looked standing there across from him. “Well … goodnight, then,” Nick said, still standing in place.
“Night,” Charlie replied. They stood staring at one another for another moment before Charlie shook his head and then stepped toward the door of the building to unlock the door. He pushed the door half open before turning to look back at Nick briefly and then stepping though and disappearing into the building.
Nick let out a shaky breath, feeling far too much all at once. He began back the way he had come, heading across campus toward the pub where his friends were surely already well into their first round.
He was nearly at the pub when his phone vibrated in his pocket.
Charlie 10:42pm
Was tonight a date?
And then a moment later.
Charlie 10:43pm
Oh my god, forget I asked that.
Nick smiled at his phone.
Nick 10:43pm
If you wanted it to be.
Nick hit send and then immediately realized that it wasn’t fair of him to just put it back on Charlie like that when the other boy had been the one to ask.
Nick 10:44pm
I wanted it to be.
And then.
Nick 10:44pm
But it’s okay if you didn’t want it to be.
Nick’s stomach flipflopped nervously he waited for a response.
Charlie 10:47pm
I wanted it to be.
Nick grinned broadly at his phone.
Nick 10:48pm
Yeah?
Charlie 10:48pm
Yeah :)
Charlie 10:50pm
And I’m sorry if I made it weird … I’ve had some bad experiences with guys who made me think they wanted to date me, but who really just wanted to use me
Nick immediately felt horrible for having made Charlie feel like he might be being used again (and he hated thinking about having done that to Charlie in the past). He immediately tapped out an apology.
Nick 10:52pm
I’m SO sorry if I made you feel that way. I’m such an idiot—I was just scared of asking you out properly.
Charlie 10:55pm
You didn’t do anything wrong.
Charlie 10:56pm
But next time we go on a date, I’d like to know about it beforehand.
Nick felt like his face was going to crack open from smiling so much. There would be a next time.
***
Nick wanted to ask Charlie out on a second date immediately, but the problem was that he had absolutely no idea what they ought to do. He wanted to be able to actually talk to Charlie, so another film was out of the question. They could go to dinner or the pub, he supposed, but he couldn’t afford anything fancy on his very limited student budget, and anywhere near campus would be full of students from their school anyway. None of it felt very … special. He wanted to give Charlie special.
It took him days to finally come up with something that he could at least stand to bring up to Charlie.
Nick 7:12 pm
So … I’ve been thinking about that whole second date thing …
Charlie 7:14pm
Oh?
Nick 7:15pm
Nothing seems right
Charlie 7:16pm
Oh
Nick could almost hear the drop in Charlie’s tone through the text, and he scrambled to continue before Charlie got the wrong impression.
Nick: 7:18pm
I just mean … I don’t want to take you to the pub or one of the restaurants that everyone always goes to.
Nick 7:19pm
So I was wondering how you would feel about coming to my flat on Saturday evening. Imogen is going to be away for the weekend visiting her boyfriend, and I though maybe you could come over and we could cook dinner and just play video games and spend some time together?
Nick bit his lip, stomach fluttering nervously as he waited for a response. When none came after a few minutes, Nick typed out another message.
Nick 7:23pm
Sorry, is that lame? We can do whatever you want.
Finally, Nick’s phone vibrated with an incoming message.
Charlie 7:27pm
Sorry, I’m with Tao and Elle and they’re pestering me about texting during the film.
Charlie 7:28pm
And that’s not lame. It sounds nice.
Charlie 7:30pm
But don’t think just because we’ll have the flat to ourselves that you’re getting lucky :P
Nick swallowed hard, mouth feeling a little dry all of a sudden.
Nick 7:33pm
Charlie, I’m not expecting anything.
Nick 7:35pm
And I already feel pretty lucky.
Charlie 7:36pm
You’re a dork x
Nick stared at the screen of his phone for far too long before finally letting it go dark.
***
When Saturday finally arrived, Nick felt completely out of sorts all day. He woke early, his excitement and nerves making him unable to sleep in as he usually would on a weekend. He puttered around the flat, tidying and straightening up the living area and his bedroom (trying adamantly not to picture Charlie in his bed) before heading out to the shop to pick up some drinks and ingredients for dinner.
As six o’clock finally approached, Nick fussed with his hair and his outfit, smoothing out his ruffled hair and rerolling the sleeves of his short-sleeved button down so they looked just right. He was pouring himself a glass of water, trying to keep his hands busy so he didn’t keep nervously running them through his hair and mess it up again, when there was a knock at the door. Nick nearly tripped over his own feet trying to get to the door, and he stopped to take a deep breath and let it out before unlocking the door and pulling it open. Charlie stood on the other side, looking far too attractive in a pair of jeans and a flannel.
“Hi,” Nick said, stepping aside a little. “Come in.”
Charlie smiled and said “thanks” quietly before stepping past Nick, his arm brushing against Nick in the tight space of the entryway.
“I brought some cookies,” Charlie said, holding out a container. “Elle made them—she’s a fantastic baker, and she keeps taking over the shared kitchen in her dorm to make dozens of cookies. No one minds though because she always makes enough to share.”
Nick smiled. “Well, please thank her for me. I can’t wait to try these later.” They stood there briefly just staring at each other until Nick finally remembered to be a good host. “Let me put these in the kitchen,” he said, holding up the cookies, “and then I’ll show you around.”
Nick gave Charlie a tour of the tiny flat. It didn’t take long to make their way around the small spaces, but Charlie liked to ask questions about the décor, and he paused to peer at the photos that Imogen had hung in the living room and at the books on the shelves.
“Sorry,” Charlie said when Nick chuckled at him. “I know I’m being nosy. I just like to know what books people keep around.”
“You can look around as much as you like,” Nick told him. “I don’t mind you knowing things about me.” Charlie turned his head to smile softly at Nick for a moment before he turned back to the bookshelf.
When Nick pushed open the door to his bedroom, it felt different to let Charlie step in than it had to let the girls see it weeks earlier. Nick felt vulnerable as Charlie looked around the room. Charlie seemed to feel it too, and he didn’t give the room nearly as thorough a look as he had in the shared areas of the flat. “You can look around,” Nick told him. “It’s okay.”
“I know,” Charlie said. “But I feel kind of … intrusive poking around in here.” Charlie came to stand just a few steps from Nick, facing him directly. “Besides, I’d rather find out more about you from you.” Nick ducked his head a little, trying to calm down what felt like too many feelings far too fast.
“Well,” Nick said, after a moment. “How about you ask me some questions while I get dinner started?”
“Okay,” Charlie replied. Nick reached out and took Charlie’s hand in his, leading him back toward the tiny kitchen.
Charlie insisted on helping with the cooking, so Nick set him to work with a glass of wine and a bunch of veg to chop for roasting. In the tiny kitchen, they couldn’t help but brush against each other as they worked. It felt intimate in a way that Nick couldn’t have predicted as they knocked arms and shoulders, cooking a meal together while they chatted and shared information about themselves and their lives.
“Your mum sounds amazing,” Charlie said wistfully when Nick had finished telling him about her.
“She’s pretty great,” Nick said, nodding. “I hope you get to meet her someday.”
Charlie caught his gaze then, and Nick could see the smile on his face widen into something glowing. “Me too,” Charlie said. “And I’ll introduce you to Tori. I promise she’s not as terrifying as she pretends to be.”
“I can’t wait.” It was true, Nick thought. He already wanted Charlie to be in every part of his life. The thought was a little scary, but it was exhilarating too.
“What?” Charlie asked, breaking Nick out of his reverie. Nick realized he had been staring at Charlie for far longer than was probably considered appropriate.
“I just,” Nick started, eyes flickering over Charlie’s face, taking in his dimples and his smile, and the hair that Nick still wanted to run his fingers through. “I just really want to kiss you right now.”
“Okay,” Charlie said, pushing himself away from the counter to stand directly in front of Nick, barely inches away.
“Yeah?” Nick asked, his voice coming out breathy and his skin already tingling with the proximity of Charlie’s body to his.
“Yeah,” Charlie said, his voice sounding almost as breathy as Nick’s felt.
And then all at once they both reached out, Charlie’s hands finding Nick’s chest and his waist while Nick placed his hands gently on the sides of Charlie’s face, cradling it as he leaned down to match their heights as their lips pressed together. It was a little messy and imperfect as they adjusted to find the right angle, but god it was hot, Nick thought. And then all of a sudden Nick couldn’t think at all anymore because Charlie took a step backwards, pulling Nick with him, so that he was pressed back against the counter, and Nick’s body was pressed flush against his.
They stayed there, kissing until the beeping of the oven indicated that it was finished preheating. They separated by a few inches, breathing hard and smiling. Nick dropped his head down against Charlie’s shoulder, face turned in toward the younger boy’s neck as he caught his breath. Charlie’s arms looped gently around Nick’s body, holding him lightly.
“I guess we should finish making dinner, huh?” Nick asked after a few moments, though he had no desire to move.
“Probably,” Charlie said, though he made no move to release Nick either.
Nick finally raised his head from Charlie’s shoulder and looked at him, taking in his slightly swollen lips and mussed hair.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” Nick asked.
“You’re not so bad yourself,” Charlie told him. “Now let’s finish making dinner. I need fuel for more making out.”
“Well, when you put it that way …” Nick laughed, pushing himself away from Charlie fully and beginning to place food into the oven to bake.
“Good to know that I can use sexual favours to get you to do what I want,” Charlie said, laughing.
“Oh my god,” Nick said, his brain short-circuiting briefly at the thought. “Is this what being your boyfriend is always going to be like?”
“Well, I guess, if you’re my boyfriend,” Charlie said teasingly, and Nick immediately realized what he’d said. “Then yes, this is what it’s always going to be like.”
Nick smiled, stepping toward Charlie again. “I think I can handle that.”
“Yeah?” Charlie asked, head tilting to one side.
“Yeah,” Nick said, leaning in to kiss Charlie once more.