Work Text:
Everything is temporary.
Seasons change, ice melts, fire dies, leaves fall, lives come and go. And yet, the world keeps on spinning, and spinning and spinning, even if you sometimes silently wish for it to stop, but deep inside you’re aware that even this endless movement isn't really so endless.
You watch how the sun goes down, painting the sky purple, red, orange and pink until it eventually gets darker and darker, turning into black, but you know it’s a process that repeats and repeats and, just like everything else, it’s going to light up again.
Even so, sometimes Mikey fears that it will stay dark forever.
He doesn’t notice when Takemichi enters the living room. His eyes are fixed up on a blank, icy-blue and a bit dirty wall, yet he seems to see through it or just not see anything at all. He looks to be lost in his thoughts, but he doesn’t even know what he’s thinking about so intensively. It’s like his mind went blank and he doesn’t know anything, anything besides the fact that he’s really, really tired.
It must be one of those days.
Yes, it definitely is.
It’s never entirely good, but sometimes, it’s just worse.
The darkness and coldness of his past is always one step behind him, chasing him like a strong breeze, chasing the already exhausted and miserable runaway boy he is, until he eventually gives up, letting the ruthless nature trap him in the eye of the hurricane.
So, there he is now: surrounded by death, devastation, storm and terror, but still stuck in that silence, so thunderous and so dead silence, that’s imprisoning him, making him hopeleslly stand and watch how everything he loves crushes, shatters, blows away or falls apart.
He wishes he was stronger, stronger than the forces of nature. He wishes he could fight it, damn it, he should fight it. He should be invincible, he should–
“Hi, Mikey.” The couch sinks under him as he hears his boyfriend’s sweet voice greeting him softly. It’s just now when he realizes that he’s not alone.
“Takemitchy,” he would smile at him if smiling today wasnt so difficult. “Hi.”
So, Takemichi leans onto him, laying his head on Mikey’s shoulder, entangling their legs together and taking Mikey’s cold hand in his own, caressing it gently. Stars appear in the dark of the other boy’s night-sky eyes as the fluttering, loving feeling spreads warmth through his chest.
There’s not much Takemichi can say now. He can’t just ask Mikey how he’s doing, knowing the answer so well, the true answer it is, not the one he would receive. He can’t say how worried he is nor force him to pour the river of heavy, painful feelings out of his heart, knowing how long it took for Mikey to open up, to stop putting that cheerful, invincible mask on his face. It can’t be ruined just now.
He will talk about it, when he is ready to talk about it - and that’s alright. They have time. Takemichi is not going anywhere. He's not leaving him. Never.
For now, words aren’t necessary: his presence, his gaze, his touch, his love are enough.
But… are they really? He can’t help but wonder.
No matter what Mikey says, he wishes he could give more, he wishes he was able to fill up that empty hole inside his chest, he wishes he could fight all of his bloody, dangerous battles and more than anything, he wishes Mikey would love himself at least half as much as Takemichi loves him, because oh, what a beautiful world it would be.
It hurts, seeing his beloved person in such a miserable state: a person who saved his life multiple times without even realizing that, a person who went through hell and went back to it again and again, a person for whom he would love to create a new, most beautiful and magical universe free of death, sickness, hatred and suffering.
Damn it, if only Takemichi could lend, no, not just lend, give him his whole happiness and strength and all of his tears–
“But you can’t.” Mikey responded once when he told him these exact words.
“I know, but–”
“What seems happiness to you will not always be somebody else’s happiness, you know? You told me yourself that I sacrificed my happiness for you in one future - but, in the end, it didn’t make you happy. You know that I would do everything for you, I know that you would do everything for me, but is doing everything really always the right thing?"
“But… I love you, I hate that it all happened to you, I-”
“It’s a process. Healing, I mean. Your will to save me is so strong, that you can’t see how much you saved me already. Don’t blame yourself for being a human, Takemitchy.” He said calmly, pulling him into a long kiss.
Well, maybe it’s one of these things that drew them together - the endless desire to give more than any person is capable of giving.
But, as the time passes he finally starts to understand that, as long as they have each other, they can manage somehow. Yes, they can. They will.
Because he may not be able to create universes out of nothing as he wishes he could, but he can hold Mikey tightly to his chest, which is like holding the whole beautiful world in his own arms, protecting it from all the danger and all the pain. He can’t heal the past hurt, but, as long as Mikey allows him, he will stay by his side and then, nothing will ever be able to harm him. He’s gonna keep his beloved safe.
When Takemichi looks at Mikey now, he sees him as both: an exhausted, frightened, weak boy and an ethereal being he wants to worship, so great, so gorgeous that words can not express it. And he wants to cover his whole body in sweet kisses, plant them like flowers, all the roses, poppys, carnations, daffodils and daisies, so they could bloom beautifully, adding the colors and light to his life, teaching him how to breathe freely again. And he would water these flowers every day, take care of them lovingly, with that warm, wind-like touch of his.
God, he loves Sano Manjiro so much.
He wants to admire how rays of morning sun fall on his mesmerizing face every time he wakes up, he wants to keep on losing himself in that deep, obsidian eyes, he wants to heal all of his wounds and scars with his touch and never, no matter what, let go of his hand, watching Mikey laugh, cry, think, scream, sleep, seeing every side of him, tasting his sweet lips, growing old with him, like two, not lonely anymore trees.
And, what’s more, he knows that Mikey too yearns for that, more than he yearns for anything else in the world. Could there be a greater thing that loving someone with all your being while knowing that they love you just the same?
Mikey looks so at peace. Strands of his hair fall on his pale face, he’s breathing calmly, his eyelids are closed. It’s only with his boyfriend when he can get so relaxed, so calm. But Takemichi knows he’s not asleep - good, because he wouldn’t have a heart to wake him up.
Takemichi gently draws their intertwined hands to his mouth and puts a loving kiss on Mikey’s soft skin. Then, like a growing ivy, his lips climb through his pleased lover’s muscled arm, shoulder, that has been carrying way too heavy weight for so long, neck, that has already been marked by him and raspberry-colored, warm cheek until they reach his ear and whisper into it, in the mellifluous voice informing that he prepared him a hot bath, just as he likes.
The corners of Mikey’s mouth lift up in a slight smile. “Thank you, Takemitchy,” he hums. And Takemichi can’t help but lovingly kiss these sweet lips.
“You can save thanks for later, you know, it may get cold soon.”
“Mhm.” Mikey mumbles, but instead of getting up, he sleepingly draps his leg over his lover’s thighs, placing himself on his lap. Of course, Takemichi kisses his forehead, because how could he not, when his beloved looks so adorable? He caresses the other boy’s back under his a bit sweaty, worn for a few days shirt and runs his fingers through these long, not cut for a long time hair.
“I think we need to wash them too.” He notices. “Do you want me to help you with that?” The boy asks with a hidden hope in his voice.
“Yes.” Mikey says so quietly and weakly that if they weren’t cuddled, their bodies almost melting into one, his boyfriend probably wouldn't hear him. “Please. Help me.”
Like a morning dew, tears suddenly crystallize in the corners of Takemichi’s sky-blue eyes. He feels himself blushing and a wave of happiness, so heartwarming happiness, flows through his chest. He got to know so many words during this still short life, but he can’t find even one that could somehow reflect how much seeing Mikey like this means to him, means to the both of them. It’s been a long, long time since they met each other and Takemichi, more than anyone else knows how for ages that boy was hiding behind the mirage of holding on together, pretending to be unbreakable, when breaking is nothing but a part of human nature. But Manjiro, oh Manjiro - he has always loved to pick fights with nature itself.
Yet, what many fail to realize is that we're not irreparable, just like we’re not meant to rebuild ourselves alone.
And Takemichi, being the only one person allowed to see all of Mikey’s broken pieces, will never hate him for them, will never try to get rid of them as if they were something ugly, as if they were an obstacle for his love. No, he cherishes them just the same; they’re his Mikey, after all. He’s going to take care of them, show them as much love as he shows the pieces seen and adored by everyone.
With his steady hands, he’s the one collecting Manjiro. Not fixing, not repairing - collecting.
No effort is needed when Takemichi takes Mikey’s light like a feather body in his arms and, kissing his forehead softly, lifts him to the bathroom.
~☆~
Mikey’s in the bathroom, left alone
Just for a moment, of course, but it’s enough to make him feel pain, enough to make him remember and there's nothing that deepens the wounds as much as remembering.
He craves for Takemichi’s touch. He misses it already. He needs to be held, held tightly, because if he won’t then he may just disappear.
He tries not to hate these vulnerable, needy, dependent pieces of himself, he really, really tries, but it’s hard.
But it’s okay - Takemichi will be back soon. He won’t leave him. Right?
With a tired sigh, he comes into the bath.
The water seems to be burning against Mikey's skin. He enjoys the sensation of dipping into it, feeling how the warmth is gradually spreading through his bare, scarred body. He lowers his eyelids, almost closing eyes, but only almost, as if he was afraid that if he would let the guard down, everything will fall apart. He breathes in the steam hanging above the bath, making it look like a fog on a summer morning.
Now, his favorite part - the head.
Lazily, Mikey draws his legs up and his back slides down the white, clean bath, as if it was a waterfall. His hair tips touch the surface and then, with a confident movement, not bothering to take a breath, he dives in.
Oh, it feels so pleasant - finding himself sinking in that burning nothingness, alone, not able to hear or see anything, as if that way he could close the world, mute it, swim away from life, from the endless circle of death and grief, from the very existence itself.
He spends as much time under the water as he’s capable of, but in the end, his nose bobs up, letting him inhale and exhale.
It’s sad that he has to breathe. Even breathing seems to be hard sometimes, hard, heavy and so exhausting. Sometimes he has that black hole inside of his chest, empty, but still sucking all the energy, all the good feelings out of him. Sometimes everything around him, including his own body, seems so unreal and fragile, easy to be blown away by a single gust of wind. Sometimes he sleeps, and sleeps, and sleeps, and when he wakes up, he’s still tired, too tired to get out of bed, too tired to move, and too tired to go back to sleep even.
Sometimes, when it gets dark and Mikey feels like it’s going to stay dark forever, he realizes that he’s not scared anymore. In fact, he doesn’t feel anything. No fear, no sadness, no joy, no regret, no relief, no despair, no hope. The darkness devours him and he does not resist. Because it’s okay. Yeah, It’s okay, he tells himself.
There was a time, not so long ago, when he made himself acquainted with never getting out of it, with letting it swallow him whole. When he accepted it. When he gave up. When he thought it’s the only way.
It seems impossible to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, doesn’t it?
But then, then he appeared. Again.
And oh, it caused so much unbearable pain, pain born out of his fear of hurting the person he loves, out of his self-hatred, out of lack of hope. It was breaking him. And it broke him completely. Not just broke though - opened.
So, finally, for the first time in his life, he reached out for help, and let Takemichi into his heart while, step by step, making himself home in his.
And so, his lover also appears now; shyly half-opening the door of the bathroom, asking if he can come in already, warmth, peace and serenity following him like a fog, cutting through all the noise of Manjiro’s mind. He moves the woody stool to the bath, reaches for a bottle of shampoo and pours the liquid on his open hand. Mikey smiles at the other boy, adoring the precision and focus painted on his beautiful face. So sweet .
“Smells nice,” he comments. Tiny sparkles appear in Takemichi’s eyes - it’s not often for Mikey to speak first during moments like these.
“Honey and vanilla.” He proudly reads the text on the label to his lover, at the same time dispersing the soap on his palm. Then, with the other hand, he gently cups Mikey’s chin, lifting it a bit, looking in his mesmerizing, dark eyes and giving him the fondest, most loving smile a person can give. “Can I?” The blonde asks and his boyfriend nods slightly, too slightly for Takemichi to notice the movement. “Mikey?” The sudden worry echoes in his voice.
“Yes. Sorry.” He murmures absently
“Is everything okay? You kinda zoned out.”
“Yes. I’m fine, it’s just–” He suddenly changes his position to kneeling on the bottom of the bath and grabs Takemichi’s hot, surprised face in his wet hands, pulling him closer, kissing desperately, as if his boyfriend was the most precious thing, a thing that’s about to dissolve into thin air and fade away soon. Takemichi doesn’t really have to do anything extraordinary for Mikey to be in awe; whenever the boy looks at him, every cell of his body seems to scream how much in love he is, how much he needs him, wants him, cherishes him. “It’s just,” he pants out, “you’re so damn beautiful.” Mikey says against his lover’s soft and sweet like ripe fresh strawberries lips. He shivers when Takemichi’s hands wrap around his head, fingers painting circles on it while tenderly running through his hair, already starting to massage the shampoo into it, blindly, not able to break the passionate kiss. He has to put quite an effort in staying on the floor or else Mikey would unwittingly - or maybe not - drag him into the bath.
“And so are you. So are you, Manjiro” he whispers, breathing heavily.
~☆~
Later, he keeps on washing Mikey’s beautiful hair that is shimmering in the fluorescent light as if it was the sunshine, flowing between shades of gold and rosy pink. Drops of water adorn his long, dark eyelashes like the rain that doesn’t want to fall to the ground yet, trying to live just a little bit longer. His face lightens up adorably when Takemichi touches the spot between his neck and the right ear.
Mikey feels bare. Not because of being naked, exposing his body, but because of exposing his flaws and faults, weakness, defections, horrifying things that he has become and wonderful things that he lacks. There’s no screenplay, no show anymore, just him and Takemichi.
It feels like his boyfriend is clearing him up, washing away the blood dried long ago, sins of the past, the true pain, the fake joy and strength. It feels like Takemichi doesn’t only touch his skin, but also his soul and under his fingers, he breaks down and rebuilds again, for a moment ceasing to be the Invincible Mikey and becoming Manjiro once again.
Yes, Takemichi admires him, yes, he would follow him even into the deepest dark and cold, yes, he says all these affectionate, yet respectful words of praise and respect and they're always honest, always reaching his beloved’s heart. But, Mikey’s used to being worshiped, he has been worshiped since he was a kid, he made himself into being worshiped. Throughout the heavens, I alone am the honored one.
It’s the truest courage, to show how much of a coward you are, to show all these fears, doubts, scars and scratches on your skin, your heart, your soul. And, despite what many people say - Sano Manjiro isn’t brave.
In fact, nobody is.
We’re born into this world as cowards, with one simple ability, the ability to love. So we love and love and love, but then we lose and lose and lose until eventually even this simple act of loving becomes bravery. Strange thing is that, somehow, bravery can not be born without love.
And so, here they are, two people who have lost more than they have ever had, still in love, making each other brave.
~☆~
Takemichi gives Mikey a hand to help him get out of the bath. A cold brutally hits the other boy's skin, giving him goosebumps.
“How are you feeling?” His boyfriend looks concerned.
“Freezing,” he mumbles.
Takemichi grabs a freshly laundered, snow-white towel, wrapping it around Mikey's small and thin body. He can’t help but put a tender kiss on his sharp, yet delicate collarbone. Mikey is beautiful, obviously, way more than beautiful even, but though Takemichi got used to the view of all these scars and bruises that Mikey didn't deserve, seeing him getting smaller and smaller gives him a terrible heartache. He got so skinny due to his almost non-existent appetite, so fragile. But, the therapist says that it's getting better lately. So it will be better. It must .
Takemichi disappears for a moment, just to come back to the bathroom with his own clothes, the warmest, the most fluffy and most comfortable that he could find.
When his boyfriend is fully-dressed, he lifts him up in his arms supporting his back and legs and carries him as if Mikey was made of porcelain and would shatter into tiny pieces without his touch. And maybe that’s what would happen, but they’ll never know, because Takemichi is definitely not going to let go of him. Never.
He gently lays his lover on his bed, covering him with two blankets and when he takes a small step back, Mikey’s fingers instantly close around his wrist.
“Wait!” It's not an angry yell, it's not a cold command, not even a sweet plea. It's the sound of pure fear. “And what about you? Are you leaving?” The hesitance and weakness of his voice, the vulnerable look that Mikey gives him with those piercing, sad, black eyes breaks Takemichi's little heart.
“I’m just going to make tea,” he says calmly, patting his hair. “Wait here, Manjiro.” How could he say no when Takemichi gives him this look? “Just a little. I’ll be back soon, okay? With tea. Your favorite” A reassuring smile appears on his lover's face “Let me take care of you.”
Mikey swallows. He's not used to being taken care of. He spent all of his life thinking that he's not allowed to be taken care of, that it makes him weak, unreliable, pathetic and selfish.
But he’s with Takemichi now. He’s safe now. So that’s alright.
He nods.
~☆~
Takemichi is sitting on the edge of the mattress, holding in his hands a hot cup of raspberry tea with three lumps of sugar. He brings the spoon closer to Mikey’s mouth, feeding him as if he was a sick little kid. The sweet scent floats in the air, causing a specific feeling of nostalgia and melancholy, making them miss the joyful, childhood days that none of them even had in the first place.
“We’re gonna regain it one day, right?” Mikey asks out of sudden, looking at him with hope.
“Regain?”
“Things that have passed before they have started.”
An arrow of sorrow crosses through Takemichi's heart. It must be so hard for Mikey, knowing that he wasn’t even meant to be alive, still blaming himself for every single death, silently wishing he was never born and at the same time longing to be a kid again, far from the responsibility, far from the pain. He deserves to live jauntily more than anyone else.
“Yes, Takemichi says and no doubt is heard in his voice. “Yes, we definitely will,” he assures.
Mikey smiles at him fondly and, though it might be an illusion, for a second Takemichi is convinced that, like a shooting star, a single tear shimmers in the darkness of his eye.
“I want to play hide and seek until it's so dark that I can’t see my own hands” his boyfriend bursts out, “and I want to go camping and watch the pretty sky while laying on the grass. I want to eat cotton candy and I want to make sandcastles by the seaside!” The excitement is painted on his whole face. Then, he looks at him. “And I want you to be with me, Takemitchy.”
“I want that too!” He wipes his own happy tears in a sleeve. “And I want to spend a night watching old cartoons, and play with tiny plastic cars. And I want to have fun in the entertainment park. And also I want to learn ballet, because fuck everyone who says that it’s too late for it now!”
Mikey lets out a short, adorable laugh. “That’s the spirit.” He smiles, once again thinking about how lucky he is to be Takemichi’s boyfriend.
“But, most importantly,” the curly-haired boy continues. “I want to do all of this and more with you, and always, forever, with you.” he confesses, kissing his beloved’s forehead.
Mikey can’t hold the tears anymore.
It’s such a strange feeling, when somebody needs you, because they love you and not love you because they need you.
It’s such a new feeling, being wanted, not because of what you can give, not just because of being a pillar and oxygen, but because of simply being loved.
“So,” he sticks out his pinkie, “is this a promise?”
“It is a promise.” His boyfriend smiles and ties their fingers together.
~☆~
It’s the middle of the night.
They’re half-cuddled on a bed, both of them crying, not knowing why - in the end, they can only guess.Takemichi lies on the top of Mikey, which allows him to admire this angelic face and lose himself in the deepest, the most beautiful eyes in the whole universe. He might have not seen the whole universe, but it doesn’t matter, he has never been this sure of anything in his life.
The boy tenderly caresses Mikey’s pearl-like skin, his tears falling on the other boy’s rosy cheeks, watering his soul like it was their own garden, as he always wished to.
He looks on his lover, the most caring, the most protective and the most selfless person in his life and feels that strong will to make him understand how amazing, how good he is, how much he cherishes him.
So Takemichi kisses Mikey urgently; and kisses and kisses and kisses, wanting to give him all the love he has gathered since the day they met for the first time.
And Mikey - Mikey kisses him back, he kisses and kisses and kisses, taking what his beloved's offering him, opening his heart, because, damn it, is wanting to be loved really so selfish?
Maybe he can finally understand that it's not.
"Yet, sometimes I am scared. Scared that I'll take away too much from you." He mutters.
"Manjiro," Takemichi puts his finger on Mikey’s lips "you will never take away anything from me. My love, my soul, my heart, all of me, it all already belongs to you."
"But what if I destroy it? Destroy you, destroy us?"
Takemichi smiles. "Then we will rebuild it together. As we always do."
"I love you so much," Mikey sobs. "I don't know how I can give it all back, how I can thank you, I owe yo–"
"Shhh." Takemichi silences him with his lips. "It's okay now," he reassures, kissing his lover's tears away. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that someone made you feel like love is something to be owed." When he says that, Mikey, crying loudly, wraps his arms and legs around his body, caressing his back, trying to hold onto his love, his hope, his happiness, his light even more tightly, never wanting to let him go. "Everything is okay," Takemichi continues. “You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to be brilliant. You don’t have to be brave nor invincible. Just be . Please, be here, be with me, live. And that will be enough”
And so, cuddled together, they fall asleep.
When Mikey wakes up, he sees how rays of sunshine fall on Takemichi’s beautiful face. Tears crystallize in his eyes and he can't help but smile widely. Because seasons change, ice melts, fire dies, leaves fall, lakes dry up, lives come and go and even the Sun will explode one day, making the world dark forever.
But at least their love isn't temporary.