Chapter Text
Todd sat at his desk, pen posed about the blank page of a notebook. He waited for just an ounce of inspiration, but found himself unable to untangle the mess of emotions in his head. After the day’s eventful English class that left his mind spinning, Todd just wanted to be able to make sense of everything. He didn’t think he had any creative potential, yet Mr. Keating had somehow forced words out of him that didn’t quite make him sound like a fool. He had replayed the scene over and over again, yet he couldn’t change what happened. Nobody else had needed such prompting, even the students that didn’t particularly care about the class. The truth was, Todd cared deeply about a lot of things, but many people took his silence for indifference. In reality, he didn’t want to say the wrong thing or do anything he might regret. He was perfectly fine observing from a distance, learning from other people’s mistakes rather than his own.
But as he considered the prospect of letting himself be vulnerable on paper, he couldn’t get anything to leave his head. Thoughts and feelings would slip away from him as he tried to grasp onto them and channel them into words. It was like trying to turn wool into a knitted blanket, without first spinning the wool into yarn. Todd felt like he should be able to get more done with Neil gone at study group goofing around (undoubtedly getting next to nothing accomplished), but he found that the emptiness of the room did nothing to help him write. Honestly, not having Neil around was more of a distraction, since his presence filled the room even if the two of them were just studying separately or reading.
Feeling rather uninspired, Todd instead picked up the closest book, a thick volume of Shakespeare’s greatest works. He wondered how someone could take the rawest human experiences and turn them into such eloquent verses, when he could barely write a few lines of poetry without having to throw it away. As he flipped through the book, he came across A Midsummer Night’s Dream . It was the play Neil was in, playing Puck. Even though Todd had briefly skimmed the story before, he decided it would be nice to read through it more intently. After wrapping his brain around the complex unrequited loves and intended marriages, he reaches the part where King Oberon’s servant, Puck, is introduced. Just as he was becoming immersed in the story, he heard the door creak open.
Neil entered the room carrying a few books and his glasses case, trying his best not to be disruptive. He set his things down on his desk and sat down backwards on his chair to face Todd.
“Hey, is that Shakespeare I see?” Neil asked, leaning forward to look at the book Todd was holding.
“Yeah, I just started a Midsummer Night’s Dream. I thought I would get to know your character a bit better,” Todd said, setting the book face down on his desk to keep the page.
“Oh really?” Neil said, smiling.
“Yeah, I like it so far, except the beginning is a little convoluted,” Todd said, trying to brush past the fact that Neil was the reason for his literary choice.
“You don’t have to read it just for me,” Neil said, but he was grinning like a child. It meant more than he revealed that Todd cared so much about his show.
“It’s not any trouble, and I want to be at least a little bit of use if you ever want to practice lines,” Todd replied.
“Aha! I was going to suggest that but you beat me to it! Now that it’s your idea, you can’t refuse,” Neil said impishly.
“Don’t get any ideas, if you get more mischievous you’ll turn into Puck,” Todd said, smiling and shaking his head.
“I, for one, am always down for a bit of method acting.” Neil dramatically pouted in his own defense.
“And besides, the infamous Robin Goodfellow isn’t an evil fairy, he just enjoys a bit of fun and chaos,” Neil continued, shrugging in feigned innocence.
“His name translates to ‘demon’ in Old English,” Todd replied dryly, trying not to crack into laughter.
“Now Todd my dear, you really don’t think our boy Puck here would see himself as a bad guy? He’s merely bringing balance into the world, meeting discipline with gleeful havoc. Maybe even like the poets?” Neil made the most pitiful, stupidly exaggerated puppy eyes and Todd lost it. The more he tried not to laugh the more he couldn’t stop, and neither would Neil stop teasing him for it.
“So you think I’m funny! I’ve finally been able to make you laugh!” Neil giggled triumphantly before Todd got up to hit his joyful face with a pillow. Neil leapt across the room to get his own pillow to defend himself with, and proceeded to whack Todd from behind.
“You’re funny on occasion,” Todd admitted, trying to squirm away as Neil continued his ambush.
“Wrong!” Neil crowed. Todd managed to hit Neil’s legs a few times with the pillow before tripping backwards over his own feet, taking Neil with him.
“Sorry, oh god, I’m so sorry” Todd said, trying to keep from laughing.
“Don’t worry about it, looks like you’ve secured yourself a victory and a cushioned landing,” Neil said jokingly, raising his hands in truce. Todd hadn’t even realized he had landed right on top of Neil. Todd caught a glimpse of Neil’s face close up, so close he could appreciate his feathery eyelashes, see the light catch in his golden brown eyes, and he wouldn’t even have to move to touch his face or run a hand through his hair-
“I’m sorry I didn’t even realize,” Todd said, volume dropping with every word. What the hell Todd, he chided himself, quickly snapping out of his brief daze. He quickly moved over so they were now sitting side by side on the floor.
“It’s really fine, you don’t have to apologize. No damage is done, and now you’ve proven yourself as the…superior, uh, pillow guy? That has to be a thing somewhere?” Neil said, still smiling. Todd got up awkwardly, offering a hand to help Neil up.
“I guess so,” Todd said nervously, watching as Neil took his hand to stand up. “Still, sorry I fell on you.” Todd added, still feeling guilty and embarrassed.
“Ok, you’re done with apologizing for today at the very least. I’m not mad at you,” Neil reassured him.
“So- I mean, you’re right, it’s um, it’s a bad habit,” Todd said awkwardly, feeling odd without his usual compulsive apology.
“You know, I think this is gonna be good for you. To boost your confidence or something, so you don’t feel like apologizing for your existence,” Neil commented. Normally this would make Todd feel self conscious or spiteful of whoever would tell him off for this, but with Neil it came across as a genuine concern.
“It’s not really that, it’s just… I don’t really know, actually. But I probably do need to work on that.” Todd was lying, he was nearly certain of where this problem came from. His parents never really showed any care for him, so as a kid he would try to impress them with school, piano, sports, really anything that could even try to gain approval. As he grew up he realized there was nothing he could do to make them more involved in his life, but that didn’t stop him from trying, and consequently failing himself each time. He was now left constantly striving for perfection, rarely ever to meet his own standards.
Neil picked up on the fact that Todd didn’t want to talk about the source of the apologizing habit, so he let the subject drop.
“That’s alright, no need to stress yourself out about it.” Neil picked up the pillows from the floor, tossing each onto their respective beds. “Just remember how capable of a person you are, even if it might take a yawp to get some poetry out of you,” Neil joked. Todd groaned, falling backwards onto his bed.
“Please don’t make me relive that, Keating is brilliant for sure but he’s gonna make me die of embarrassment.”
“Todd! You were inspiring! The fact that you can just come up with poetry so raw and full of universal emotion, even right on the spot, it’s incredible!” Neil shook Todd gently on the shoulder so he would sit up instead of cowering in the corner.
“Any kind of poetry, if you can even call it that, stays between my brain and the sheets of paper in the trash can,” Todd responded.
“You’re a poetry genius! And I’d love to read some if you don’t mind,” Neil suggested.
“Not a chance,” Todd said, filling with dread at the thought of any of his writing being shared. He critiqued himself enough, so he couldn’t bear anyone else reading work he couldn’t take pride in.
“Alright, alright, you keep your mysterious poetry to yourself,” Neil said, raising an eyebrow.
“You’re infuriating,” Todd complained, but both of them knew there was no weight behind it.
“Aww, thank you,” Neil said, “I try my best.”
The conversation led to a rundown of study group shenanigans and Todd trying to explain the chemistry homework Neil was supposed to finish at said study group. Once all work was done and both boys were getting tired, they each got in bed.
“Goodnight,” Neil said quietly.
“‘Night,” Todd responded, met with peaceful silence.
“I love you,” whispered Neil, soft enough he could barely hear himself.
There was a moment's pause where Todd thought he heard something, but it was so quiet he must have been mistaken.
—----------------------
Todd awoke the next morning to Neil gently shaking his shoulder.
“Todd? Are you awake?” Neil asked quietly, trying to see if Todd was still sleeping.
Todd cracked an eye open and sleepily nodded.
“Sorry for sleeping too late,” Todd said, voice still a little raspy. He felt kinda embarrassed relying on Neil this way, but he slept like a rock whenever he could manage to fall asleep.
“It’s alright, you must have needed it,” Neil reassured him. Neil was already dressed, wearing a lovely dark green sweater over his Hellton uniform. It was a little big on him, his father had clearly bought it with the expectation that he would bulk up from some kind of respectable high-class sport. Todd shook himself out of his trance, trying to wake up but not bothering to get out of bed.
“Give me a few minutes?” he asked, pulling the blankets around him. Neil smiled and shook his head.
“You’ve had a few minutes, the alarm went off twice already.” Well, shit, Todd thought. He really must have knocked himself out after overthinking the prior day’s events.
“Fine,” Todd said, slowly sliding out of bed.
“Welcome to the world of the living!” As Neil paused by the door to put his shoes on, Todd started getting dressed. He noticed that Neil had put his clothes on the radiator so they were nice and warm (because who else could it have been?). He smiled at the gesture, but panicked over whether to say anything. Would it be weird to bring it up? Or would it be cold not to say anything? At this point, Todd couldn’t tell if it was the anxiety or just the fact that everything Neil did seemed to have a greater effect on him. Todd tried to shake the feeling, but he couldn’t help but feel butterflies for some odd reason.
While Todd finished getting ready, Neil checked the hallway to see how the other poets were doing. Todd could only hear some snippets of the conversation but it wasn’t difficult to tell what was going on.
“G’Morning poets!”
“Hey ya little fucknugget,” came a grumbled response from who could have only been Charlie.
“Morning, Neil,” Knox called from across the hall.
“Pitts hurry up, the radio is gonna be fine. I promise you don’t have to babysit it,” Meeks reassured him.
“I’m just checking on it!” Pitts replied indignantly.
“You guys are taking forever,” Cameron said.
“Todd’s on his way, he overslept,” Neil explained.
“As he should, it should be illegal for school to start so early,” Charlie replied.
“Charlie it’s only 7 am, you’ll survive,” Meeks said.
Todd gathered up the homework that had sat on his desk overnight, and finally left the dorm after he felt somewhat presentable. He and the poets made their way down to the dining hall, sitting in their usual spot at the end of a table in the right corner of the room. Knox was telling them about his grand scheme to find Chris at her school and woo her with his spectacular love poems.
“Are you sure that isn’t gonna be a little…stalkerish?” Pitts asked, looking at Knox with doubt as he reached for an orange.
“Not a word, Pittsie,” Charlie said, grinning.
“I’m not stalking her! I’m committed, I’m in love!” Knox declared.
“It’s carpe diem!” Charlie said, raising an eyebrow.
Todd observed the scene with quiet interest, amused but not called to action. Beside him, Neil downed a large cup of coffee.
“Don’t let your heart get broken,” Neil teased Knox.
“I won’t, how could anyone resist this?” Knox asked, pointing at his face and doing some poses for good measure.
“I don’t think it would be that hard,” Cameron said dryly, causing laughter throughout the table.
“Damn, Cameron!” Meeks shook his head, chuckling.
“Caught him in the lie, didn’t you?” Charlie said. Knox pouted and sniffed dramatically, wiping away imaginary tears.
“Aww Knox, you know you’re a real sexy guy,” Neil joked, patting Knox on the back. Todd smiled and laughed along with the rest of the group, but he couldn’t help feeling…jealous? It must be the sleep deprivation messing with his emotions.