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Captain Olivia Benson. Captain. The squad, they’re HER people, her responsibility. But Amanda… Amanda is family. She’s having trouble focusing, breathing, hearing what Dawson is telling her. Amanda was shot. Gut wound. Dodds died that way, even after making it out of surgery. She had never checked for a gun. There’s so much that can go wrong with the gut, so many ways it can be lethal. Liv just missed the ambulance pulling away when she got there, but Dawson said the EMTs were talking to Amanda. Reeling she’s trying to get her head together when she hears him.
Carisi. Frantic.
“Liv… Liv, what’s going on? I… I just heard. Is she ok? Is she alive?”
How many times has she looked into this man’s eyes seeing the uncomplicated love he has for Amanda Rollins amid the very complicated situations of their lives? How many times has she told him to hang in there believing things would work themselves out, hoping these two subordinates, turned colleagues, turned friends, turned family could find their way to a lifetime of happiness? Here, now, knowing what they share, how it’s been for them for over a year now, she has to tell him she has no answers, no certainty, no words to ease his heart while hers breaks.
“I just got here so I’m not… sure of anything. What I am sure of is that Amanda is a very strong woman who has… so much to fight for… such a full and beautiful life with you and the girls… she’ll do everything she can to stay.”
“Yeah. You’re right… you’re right… she just…
Carisi falls forward into Liv’s arms and the sobs wrack his body. Liv is desperate to control her emotions, but she cries with him for the briefest of moments, trying to infuse all the love and energy she can into her ADA, the one she holds most dear, close to her own open heart. He pushes away suddenly, starts to run off.
“I… I gotta get ta the hospital…”
Liv grabs his arm, pulls him back to her.
“You’re not driving. C’mon, with me. Officer, we need a ride.”
+++
He’s silent in the car. Sirens are on. The scenery whizzes by. He feels Liv’s hand on his back and when he looks at her, she takes deep breaths getting him to mimic hers. They ride like that, for a few minutes, until he is less erratic.
“The girls, Carisi. Is there someone who can pick them up? Someplace for them to go?”
“Oh God… Oh, God… the news. Uh… uh… Sienna… I don’t want them ta…”
“Give me your phone.”
He opens the lock screen and hands it off to Olivia who calls the nanny with specific instructions to get the girls home, no media, and to pack them a bag with a few days of clothes.
“I gotta call my parents, Beth Anne. My… my Ma will take the girls… I just…”
Liv connects the call to Serafina and Dominick, Sr., explaining the situation.
“Yes, Mrs. Carisi, he’s right here with me and we’re almost at the hospital…… He might not be able to speak…”
Sonny looks at Liv and nods, taking the phone.
“Ma… Momma…,” is all he can get out before completely losing it. His body goes limp as he cries into the phone listening to his mother’s voice, supported in the arms of Olivia Benson. Liv takes the phone from him and finishes the call telling Serafina to connect with Sienna and promises that she will personally call them with each and every update.
The car pulls up to the door and Carisi is halfway out before it even fully stops. With Benson right behind him, waving her badge, they approach the desk. Liv gets the information they need and settles them in the waiting room on the surgical floor. She calls Sergeant Tutuola to enact all protocols for a Line of Duty officer shooting, and Velasco to keep her in the loop with the press and other media. She has unis drive up to Rockland for Beth Anne and Jim and asks Kathleen Stabler to gather up Noah. Finally, finally, she is able to sit.
“Carisi? She’s going to need you when she gets out of surgery. Drink this…”
He nods and drinks from the bottle, the crunchy sound of the plastic the only noise in the room. Liv has been able to keep him isolated and calm as they await word from the doctors.
“She… uh… she has a livin’ will… for the girls,” his breath shutters on a sob. “For the girls ta stay with me. We… uh… we’re plannin’ an official adoption… oh God, Liv…”
“Breathe, Carisi… do you want to go to the chapel? I’ll come for you right away.”
“I don’t know what ta… what ta do… everythin’ hurts. How do I…”
“No. Stop. Don’t do that.”
Liv angles toward him, turns him by the shoulders to face her.
“We are waiting for the doctor to come in here. That’s all we focus on…”
His head rests in his hands and Liv tries to comfort him with a hand on his back and her steady constant presence.
“Excuse me. Are you the family of Amanda Rollins?”
“Yeah… yes… that’s me. How… how is she?”
“She lost a lot of blood. We needed to transfuse. I resected a portion of large intestine, and a repaired a hole in the stomach. With injuries to these organs, we need to watch for infection…”
“Infection? She’s alive? My… Rollins… is alive?”
“Oh, yes, I’m so sorry I didn’t lead with that. She is not out of danger, but she’s a fighter. We’re monitoring her very closely for the next 48 hours. Give us a few minutes and someone will be back to bring you to her.”
“Thank you.”
Carisi, pacing, texts his mother, his sisters, Beth Anne and Sienna. He calls Fr. Duffy, Ryan, his childhood friend and they pray. Ryan promises to light a candle and get the parish’s prayer group involved. He looks at his watch over and over though it’s been only ten minutes. When the nurse appears in the doorway and tells Sonny to follow her, he freezes. His breathing is once again labored and Liv can see the panic, the shock, on his face.
Walking to him paralyzed in the center of the room, Liv finds his eyes, squeezes his hands.
“Your love is waiting for you, Dominick.”
“I… Liv… I…I’m so scared.”
“We’re going to do this together, ok? I’ll hold onto you, and we’re going to walk down the hall and gather our girl. You with me, Carisi?”
“Yeah. Yeah.”
As they step from the waiting room, Fin and Velasco approach from the elevator bay. Fin takes his place, as always, at his Captain’s side. She gives his hand a squeeze, and a reassuring nod. He’s stoic and watchful. Velasco puts his arm around Sonny’s shoulders, and together this family by choice makes their way down the hall to deliver Carisi to his Amanda. At the door, Carisi stiffens again, his eyes wild and red-rimmed.
Choking out the words, he says, “What if I go in and I hafta say good-bye?”
“Oh, Sonny… we’re all here.”
“We’re not leaving you, Bro.”
“Fin… Fin go and tell me what she looks like… I can’t…”
“I got you, Carisi.”
The silent tears stream down Olivia’s face, her body shaking against Sonny’s as he weeps for his one true love.
Fin returns, stepping right in front of Sonny, commanding his attention.
“She looks beautiful, man. She’s just her with some tube and wires. She’s sleeping, the machines are beeping. I told her we’re all here… that you’re here just getting ready to come in and her eyes moved like she was trying to find you. You got this, Carisi.”
“Amanda needs you, Carisi. I’ll come in with you, but she needs to hear your voice, know you’re here. Are you ready?”
“I’m ready.”
Liv pushes the door open and the steady sound of beeps from the machines monitoring Amanda’s vitals fill their ears. Fin was exactly right. Amanda looks beautiful, the way she does on a sleepy Sunday morning, peaceful though a little pale. Once he sees her, sees that she’s still his Amanda, that she’s whole and aside from the incision covered under the sheets and her hospital gown, she is perfect, it’s like a fog has lifted. He snaps out of the haze, the shock, the fear that had blanketed him, and he’s her partner and her biggest cheerleader again.
“Hey, baby, I’m here now. I’m here. Ya scared me, ‘Manda. Ya gotta get bettah so we can finalize all those plans we have. Ok? I need ya, baby. The girls need ya. We have so much ta do.”
He brushes through her hair with his fingers so gently, while holding and kissing her hand.
“If ya need ta sleep, just sleep. I’m not goin’ anywhere. Ya know how ya always make me promise ya that I won’t leave? Well, it’s your turn ta stay right here with me, ok? I know if you could, ya’d make me that promise right now. Instead of sayin’ it, just do it… just stay. Stay with me, ‘Manda. We just got started.”
Her eyelids flutter, side to side movement underneath. Her fingers are twitching like she wants to hold onto him but has to remember how. Sonny looks back at Liv, making sure she sees what he sees.
“Babe, Liv is here. She’s been with me the whole time. Ya know how I get when I’m… I’m anxious? Well, Liv’s been takin’ good care-a me until you’re awake. I can see ya tryin’ ta come back ta me… and the girls… like ya always do. It always comes down ta us, baby. We always circle back. This time, no circlin’ though, ok? Ya come straight back ta me. I’m right here.”
Olivia squeezes Sonny’s shoulder seeing that he’s handling himself now, and steps into the hall. She finds an empty room with a table and a few phone charging stations. As soon as she’s alone, the torrent begins. Olivia sinks into a chair and with her head in her hands, she cries. She cries for Sonny and the anguish he feels, the helplessness. She cries for the girls who came so close to a very different life, God willing, they will never know. She cries for Beth Anne and Serafina as mothers mired in fear and grief unable to protect their children from heartache. Olivia Benson cries for herself, for the family she has built around her, that almost suffered an unbearable loss today. She cries for the love she longs for, the love that Carisi and Amanda share that is so deep and strong and unbreakable that it rendered him paralyzed at the mere thought of having to face a minute without his beloved. When her tears are dry, and she’s gotten herself in control, Captain Benson emerges to face the NYPD brass and the media keeping her detectives, her ADA, her family close and under her watchful eyes.
Six hours later, Liv returns to Amanda’s room to find Carisi slumped forward in the bedside chair, his head resting on the mattress next to her lightly snoring. Amanda’s eyes are open but heavy, her hand threaded into his hair rubbing his scalp. Liv’s breath catches in her throat as Amanda smiles at her Captain, her friend.
“He must have had a rough day,” Amanda jokes.
“I seem to remember how he could catch some Zzzs just about anywhere on those long nights in the squad room.”
“You should see him in Billie’s bed all long limbs with his arms full of my girls all of them sound asleep.”
“I bet it’s quite beautiful.”
“Yeah… so much so that it was the only thing my mind could process when that gun was pointed at my head.”
Moving to the other side of the bed, Olivia put her hand on Amanda’s arm and stroked softly with her thumb.
“Have you seen a doctor since waking? Does he know you’re up?”
“No and No. I couldn’t bear to wake him.”
“I’ll give you a few minutes with him, before alerting the nurses station. I’ll walk slowly.”
Running her hand through his hair a bit more vigorously, she softly calls his name.
“Sonny… hey, baby…,”
He rouses and shakes the cobwebs trying to remember where he is when his eyes meet hers. Her smile is small, tired, but her eyes are so full of love, his heart skips a beat.
“Ya… ya woke up… hey… Hi.”
“Hi.”
Without uttering another sound, their gazes say everything their words can’t right now. No need to rehash the day, the pain and the terror, when they can bask in this bubble of the love they share. He stands and leans over her and, with the most gentle brush of his lips across her forehead, his tears drip into her hair. He leans back wiping his eyes and then the rivers on her cheeks where her own tears trail.