Chapter Text
“Absolutely not.”
“What? Reg, come on, I don’t think you’re thinking this through.”
“Potter, I am not posing as your.. what? Fake boyfriend? Absolutely not, why would you even ask that?” Regulus is looking at him like he’d just suggested he partake in a threesome with an electric eel and a thorn bush.
Which, he’s not too far off the mark all things considered; but James would rather keep his dignity firmly situated right underneath the influx of his massive ego for as long as it can remain, thank you very much.
“Well.. why not? It’s not the worst idea I’ve had, Regulus, cut me some slack.” Like he said, massive ego.
“Oh yes James, you’re absolutely right! How could I ever forget the time when you used your credit card to open your hotel room door, because you insisted that they both had magnetic strips, and therefore would be read just the same as a room key.. Oh! Or the time that you captured a little ‘orgy’; I believe your word was, of ants and decided to bring them inside the house in a cardboard box in which you had cut air holes - for them to breathe, of course - into. Euphemia spent weeks sleeping with insect spray cans in her hands to kill the fuckers, James.” Regulus was glaring at him by this point, arms crossed and a stern expression on his face.
Classic Black fashion.
James was suitably growing more and more sheepish by the second. He might have done some stupid things in his youth.. and young adulthood.. and three weeks ago, however they do not need to measure his entire mental capacity for good decision making. He’s done plenty of smart things too- just like this plan, if Regulus would ever hear him out.
"Hey! I'm proud of my attempts to give that orgy of ants a better lifestyle! How would you like it if you spent your entire life scouring the filthy Earth for some speckles of food?" Realising he has completely gotten off track, James turns the conversation around. "Anyway! You haven't even listened to the benefits of my brilliant plan yet."
Regulus huffs, "That's because there are none James, what could I possibly get out of pretending to be your fake date for two weeks?"
James blinks, Regulus blinks back.
"A free holiday? You've always wanted to go to Australia, now's your chance!" James attempts his brightest smile.
"When have I ever wanted to go to Australia, James?" Clearly, he needs to polish his grin, as it completely crash-landed.
"Everyone wants to go to Australia! They have.. kangaroos and-"
"Spiders. That's what they have, James, have you not read any website ever? The top 3 deadliest spiders all come from Australia, it's a death trap."
"Well.. it's too late anyway, I've already booked the tickets." James smiles and gives his best 'jazz-hands'.
Regulus looks positively furious. "Potter, you could have signed us up for a scam! No-one offers a free couples getaway, that just.. doesn't happen."
"Oh, I never said anything about it being free, I just said it was cheap. And it was! $600 all up for a 2 week trip, accommodation on a lovely beach resort, free whale-watching and snorkeling included.. c'mon you have to admit that was an easy steal!" James genuinely doesn't understand what the problem is here. A cheap holiday, on the coasts of Australia, and a break from his disgustingly mediocre life? Yes please.
"Oh great.. whale-watching.. how thrilling." Regulus mumbles, which is truthfully starting to piss James off.
"Fucks sake, fine! I'll take Sirius instead and you can mope about at home in stupid bloody London complaining about the shit weather and boring job you have to piss off to, while I post the fuck out of my Instagram story about all of my beach days, and cocktails, and coral reefs. But no, God forbid I try include you in something fun for once. Holy shit." James releases a big sigh, the fight gone out of him. Just when James thought he would do something nice for Regulus, the latter has to go and ruin it.
Regulus' face morphs into something softer. "Hey, I didn't mean that I wouldn't go.. or that I don't want to, honestly it sounds kind of.. fun, I just didn't exactly like the fact that you pitched it with 'Hey Reg, you should come on this super cute couples holiday, 19 hours away from home for two weeks to go get sunburnt at literally all times of the day, and we'd have to pose together because the resort manager thinks that we're a proper soon-to-be engaged couple and therefore we would have to act like it for 14 days!' It didn't exactly leave much room for excitement, James."
"Okay yeah, that was poor planning on my part, but does that mean you agree? We can go on a holiday to a really fancy resort and eat a shit ton of buffet food and see pretty fish?" James was starting to get excited, he's actually always wanted to go to Australia, and now he may get the chance to snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef, of all places.
"Fine, I agree. However, have you suggested this idea to Sirius yet? You know how upset he'll be that he's left out of a holiday that his best friend and brother are going on without him."
And ah shit, that's right.
"Okay, well no.. I haven't, but that's only because Sirius isn't dating someone at the moment, and I hadn't exactly thought that far ahead." It's true, Sirius isn't dating someone at the moment and pledged that he swore off men for a solid three months. Not that he'll likely keep that promise, but try he might.
At that moment, typically so, Sirius pokes his head in from Regulus' doorway.
"I heard my name? Do share what you were discussing so vigorously over here." James and Regulus look to each other, both mirroring expressions of 'no, you tell him.'
Regulus breaks first. "James has booked us a holiday to a beach resort in Australia.. and we were just discussing the details of the trip."
"A holiday? Fuck yeah, when is it? I've been needing a good holiday for months now. Nice thinking, Prongs." Oh fuck James, Sirius looks positively thrilled to hear about the holiday, when he isn't even invited. Not that he knows that yet, of course.
Noting that, yep, Regulus is not swooping in on this one, James has to take the responsibility of potentially shattering his best-friend-turn-brother's heart.
"Sirius, mate. It's just me and Reg going on this holiday.. it's a couples vacation resort." If Regulus winces at the word 'couples', James chooses not to see it, yet again; for the sake of his ego.
Sirius blinks once, twice. "A- couples? You and my brother are together? What- since when did th-"
James and Regulus were both quick to jump in with matching assurances of 'no, of course we aren't together' and 'we would have told you, Sirius, don't be silly.'
After much convincing and three run-throughs of 'the plan', Sirius finally understands the fact that, no James and Regulus are not a couple, never will be, and that they are simply doing this to score a cheap holiday.
After one more run-through of the plan, Sirius has typed in the words 'Nox Beach Resort Queensland' and is now booking his own couples-stay-cheap package. Who with? No one knows yet. Likely Sirius' hookup of the week, if they're crazy enough to go through with it.
After a bit more mulling about flight prices and times, the entirety of the holiday for the three of them is booked, and the only thing left is for Sirius to find a partner for the holiday, and for them to actually go on the holiday.
Simple enough, right?