Work Text:
“…And if you head left from there, you should find yourself right in front of the exit.”
“Why thank you so very much, ma’am. I’ll be on my way, then.”
Engineer was absolutely at his limit.
This goddamned IKEA made no sense. Everything looked the same, from the blindingly bright track lights overhead to the too-polished resin flooring that reflected just about enough of it all to effectively sear his eyes whenever he looked even the slightest bit down. The stupid arrows he would find on the ground here and there would only inform him on which direction it was apparently preferable to walk in in any given aisle, but never actually explained how to leave. The ceiling was white and the walls were white and the signs were white and Engineer was beginning to believe, in the god-knows-how-long time he had remained trapped there, that it had been explicitly designed to torture him and him alone for all the sins he and his family had committed against the laws of nature over the centuries.
Which, granted, was a retribution well-deserved, but this was a very weird way of going about it.
When he had finally managed to tail an employee and ask which direction to go to escape make his purchase, the information he was given was not only incredibly complicated, but blatantly wrong. He had eleven PhDs for Christ’s sake, of course he could memorize and follow even the most mind-numbingly tedious of instructions, and all they did was lead him back to where he started.
Where this whole fucking nightmare started. Of all the places in the store, it was the rug section, notoriously buried deep in the heart of the capitalist death labyrinth. The Minotaur of the IKEA, if Engineer were more apt to be into that Greek-mythology metaphor sort of thing. He knew one person who was, but he was desperately trying to block him out of his mind at the moment.
He asked another person, and then another, but they only gave him the same wrong answer. Or maybe their words just weren’t adding up in his brain anymore; he really felt like he was losing it.
But now it was official: he needed a plan. If he didn’t get out of the store soon, he was going to shoot everyone down and blow the damn place up to smithereens with his trusty old Gunslinger, hidden away from public view with a long, yellow work glove. And while this normally wouldn’t worry him too much, he was outside of Teufort, and the people around him definitely would bat an eye at his rampage, without any disgusting quantities of lead in their systems hindering their ability to reason. Wouldn’t exactly be able to get away with it, after that.
He needed help. But from who?
Scout? Hell no, he was the one who wanted a ratty IKEA rug for the base in the first place. He wouldn’t be much help anyhow; he would probably get lost himself and Engineer would need to make an intercom call to pick the kid up, and that would cause a whole scene he didn’t want to deal with.
Soldier? Whatever property damage he was holding back on doing at the moment, Soldier would do in the first five seconds of entering the store.
Pyro? Bless their soul, but they would get distracted by anything and everything they would come across.
Demo? He might hold out a bit longer than Soldier, but the end result would surely be the same once the existential dread of the store set in.
Heavy? A decent option, but Engineer worried that, like Pyro, he would get distracted by his surroundings and start rearranging décor in a way that appealed more to his personal sensibilities, rather than stay focused on… leaving.
Medic? …No. For the sake of all the unfortunate people just trying to live out their honest lives that happened to enter the IKEA that day, no.
Sniper? Sometimes lacked spatial awareness, and would get intimidated by the large crowds of the store.
Which left…
Well, he was stealthy, and wouldn’t stick out to the average law-abiding citizen. He was good at tracking people down, and knew his way around winding paths and obscure corners. He could also understand Swedish.
Engineer sighed, and dialed for Spy on the blocky portable phone he had been issued by the Administrator.
“Why hello there, Engineer. You seem to have called me during your mission to retrieve the rug we all so covet. Is there something… wrong? Have you perhaps… gotten lost?” The mocking, vaguely flirty tone on the line was practically the universe’s sign for him to return to his gut instinct and just kill everyone at the godforsaken store, with him settling on Pyro to burn it all to the ground as a final touch.
But… he couldn’t.
“I… need… goddamn it, I need your help Spy. This place is killin’ me. There are middle-aged women askin’ me which tiles I prefer with these little suggestive eyebrow-wiggles, I can’t read any of the furniture labels, everythin’ is so clean- how can everythin’ be so clean? There are kids here, kids with pencils, they draw penises everywhere, I know Scout does- how are they cleanin’ it all up so fast?” He was on the brink of a mental breakdown. “I’m trapped with the rugs for cryin’ out loud!”
“Zut, the Minotaur of the IKEA.”
“Exactly! Just get me out of ’ere! I’ll give ya anythin’ ya want, whatever ya need to do it but just... do it!”
That was motivation enough for Spy.
“Very well! I shall come to your rescue, my dear Engineer, and then we shall-”
“GET OVER HERE!”
“OKAY.”
Dirty blonde hair cut into an asymmetrical bob. A gaudy, floral cardigan. Avon perfume. Striped leggings.
This was Spy’s best disguise yet.
He blended in perfectly with the young couple dragging along a screaming child at the entrance of the IKEA, telling her that it would it just take them a second to get what they needed, so stop whining, already. If only they knew to what severe degree that statement was hyperbole.
Spy gathered in his surroundings and tried forming a mental plan. He grabbed a notepad and pencil they had stored in a plastic container nearby, and brainstormed. What was infallible in situations like these? What was something that had proven, tested results?
What did Theseus do?
Many, many awful things, admittedly, but aside from that… he left behind a trail!
That was it! He would leave a trail of notes behind, indicating to his future self where he would need to go! It was brilliant!
But also wasn’t enough. He needed something to fall back on, something else that was appropriately themed around Greek mythology…
…What did Orpheus do?
While his results were a tad more… lacking, he went to the god of the underworld, Hades, and sang to him, pleading for Eurydice to be returned to the land of the living.
The god of the underworld… the manager! Spy would plead with the manager to force an evacuation due to some unexpected danger he would discreetly cause! With his disguise, they would have no reason to doubt his request! He would even turn up his inner parent a bit, to truly sell his performance.
Now with a solid plan (and backup plan!), Spy followed the arrows on the floor (why were they even there? To make sure everyone in the aisle walked in the same direction? Asinine) to find his lost love.
Engineer was twitching with cabin fever.
He was starting to notice things no customer should ever bother to notice about a store. Why were there six rugs stacked on each shelf except the one on the far right? Why were the patterned rugs mixed with the basic, unicolour ones? Why was nothing out of place? It was the wild west in stores like these, he was so used to consoling employees when encountering a ball of clothing that was, just that morning, neatly folded and displayed. So why was there nothing out of place??
He was counting the amount of rugs on the shelves again, still baffled by the intentional design choice, when he heard a familiar murmur behind him.
“Engineer.”
He very nearly jumped out of his skin. “Jesus H. Christ, Spy! Didja have to sneak up on me like that, in a place like this? Ya have any idea what warning sirens go off in my head when I see someone dressed like that?” He gestured to his soccer mom ensemble.
“Excellent, it is indeed you,” Spy continued, ignoring the question. “I have devised a plan. We shall follow the trail of cheap paper notes I left behind and make our way to the exit.”
“What do ya think this is, Hansel an’ Gretel? Ya can’t just leave notes behind ’round here because-”
He stopped. They both watched in horror as an employee swept up the last remnants of Spy’s brilliant plan.
“H-how could they clean it all up so fast?” Spy asked with slight panic in his voice.
“Ya see what we’re dealin’ with here, now? We ain’t never gettin’ out of this hellhole!”
Spy put both his hands on Engineer’s shoulders and clutched them frantically. “Yes we are, mon chéri! I shall save us both from this wretched place, no matter how long it takes!”
Engineer’s goggle-less face, bare to all emotion in the moment, twisted with anguish. “So long! It’s goin’ to take so long.” He rubbed at his eyes. “Might as well say SO LONG-”
Spy slapped him out of his stupor. “Remain calm, there is still hope! Now hold my comically large travel purse and watch!”
Engineer did as he was told, still distraught but occupied with the very heavy object he was now tasked with guarding, as Spy walked up to the nearest employee. He was ready to proceed with the backup plan.
“You! Take me to your manager!”
The apathetic teenager turned to him with a barely muffled groan. “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”
“There is an emergency, I found a… a cigarette!” This would work, he had these, this was foolproof- “A cigarette, right at your entrance! This whole building will surely catch on fire due to your negligence!”
“And you… picked it up? Actually, thank you so much, that would’ve been a real problem for us.”
“Now take me to- wait, what? No!”
But the employee wasn’t listening, shaking his head with a smile on his face. “Man, we could’ve lost our jobs! Hey, now that I think about it, you and that other guy have kind of been a great help today. He’s been reorganizing our rug section and honestly, it’s never looked better! I never even noticed that one shelf has less rugs than the others.”
Engineer joined up with them. “It’s horrible design!”
Spy tried to regain control of the situation. “Yes, well-”
“Hold on, do you guys need jobs? ’Cause having you both around to give us a hand would be so groovy! We’ve been really overworked and understaffed lately, and I think I could get you both an instant in. Come on, whaddya say?”
Engineer nodded. “Let’s get on with it, then.”
“What!?”
“Spy, statistically speakin’, this really is the best way for us ta get out of ’ere at this point. Upward social mobility might be our only shot at freedom.”
“In this economy? But we’ll never make it!”
“It’s all we got.” Engineer held out his gloved arm to shake the employee’s hand. “Now, would ya be so kind as ta show us to our uniforms?”
“This is ridiculous,” Spy said as he stacked rugs onto shelves.
Engineer was right by his side, readjusting the merchandise wherever he found Spy hadn’t done a good enough job. “Ah, don’ be like that. Only a few more weeks ’til our next raise!”
Spy was desolate. “This was a complete and utter failure. I was supposed to save you, and you were to reward me with-”
“With what, a kiss?” Engineer teased.
Spy’s mood somehow visibly worsened. Engineer laughed.
“Spy, come on now. I was goin’ ta kiss ya at the end of all this, anyhow. I had a feelin’ I wasn’t goin’ ta escape this place for a good, long while, so I just… chose the person I wanted to spend all that waitin’ time with the most.” He winked.
Spy grinned. “And of course, I was the best option.”
“Don’ push it, but yes.”
They both moved in for a kiss, but were interrupted by their boss.
“Kissing on the job, eh? You’re both fired. Now get your sorry asses out of here, or I’ll do it for you.”
They stared at each other in shock and delight. This was it!
The boss grabbed Spy by the hand, and he in turn grabbed Engineer’s.
Orpheus and Eurydice! He could do this! He just couldn’t look back!
Their boss shoved through crowds of angry newlyweds and screeching children with ease, and soon enough they saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
“The exit!” Engineer cried.
However, that was what caused Spy to look back, and, in doing so, he accidentally let go of his beloved’s mechanical hand.
“No!”
But it was too late, as Engineer had already sunken into the horde, never to be seen again.
Spy was placed near the exit, forced to remove his uniform rather unceremoniously. He had faced the Minotaur and escaped, but once again failed to retrieve what he had been looking for.
Ashamed, he left the cursed store, to go fight a centaur or something.
“And what became of Engineer?” you may ask.
...Long live the home, indeed.
The End (why did I write this? Was this funny? Help)