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The thing about Steve Harrington is that if there’s something he can do to make things even a little bit easier for the people he loves, he’s going to do it. Be it throwing himself headfirst into a fight with an interdimensional monster or just carrying around extra clothes in his car that will fit his friends just in case they need it. That’s something that will never not be true about Steve. So when he figures out that he’s probably some kind of queer, and he thinks about how scared Robin is that people will treat her differently for it, and he thinks about how maybe some of his kids might be some kind of queer too and are afraid to be themselves, its an easy decision for him to be out and proud about it.
Don’t get him wrong, he’s fucking terrified of being out about his sexuality, but he also knows in some ways he’s probably the only one in their group that can do it without having to worry too much about the repercussions. His parents are well respected in Hawkins, he’s got money, and he’s a white male. These things offer him a broader protection from too much hate from the people of Hawkins then a lot of his friends have. He wants to normalize this, make it a safe thing for his friends, take their fear and place it on his shoulders so they don’t have to carry it alone.
So the first thing he does is start just, incorporating parts of his queerness into his everyday life.
“So, did you tell Robin today that she looked pretty? Girls like that you know, if you did that more maybe she’d actually date you.” Dustin’s voice rings out across the Family Video as Steve stacks tapes.
“Hmm? Oh yea I mean I tell her all the time how pretty she is.” He shrugs, “Speaking of pretty, have you seen Mark Nesan lately? Now that’s someone pretty, man.” Steve puts as much nonchalance into his tone as possible and bites the inside of his cheek to keep from fidgeting to much in anticipation.
“Eh, I guess.” Dustin’s gone a little quieter now, sort of side eyeing Steve, but he doesn’t call him out on anything, so Steve takes that as a huge win.
And of course, Steve planned for Dustin to be the first person he spoke like that around (besides Robin) because Dustin, no matter how loyal, has a big mouth, and its not long before the seed Steve was hoping to plant gets watered and Steve can tell the kids are dancing around questions the next time they’re all in Wheeler’s basement for D&D. Even Eddie seems to be acting a little more subdued around Steve.
And Steve’s trying, really trying very hard not to let the panic in his chest bubble up his throat, because Robins fidgeting enough on her own for the both of them.
“Do you think he’s said anything?” Her whisper comes from right next to his ear and Steve has to cough to cover up the little jump he does in surprise.
“Oh for sure, look at the way Mike is looking at me.” He nudges his head slightly in the younger Wheeler’s direction. Mikes got a pinched expression like Steve’s the most complicated puzzle he’s ever looked at and it’s pissing him off he can’t solve it fast enough. Robin snorts causing a suddenly lull to happen in the noise around the room as everyone’s eyes kinda dance over to Steve.
“Oh for fucks sake, none of you are going to be able to pay any attention to the game until we address this, so let’s address it.” The silence in the air hangs heavy around the room before everyone just starts talking over each other.
“Are you gay?”
“Dustin said you like guys now.”
“Is you liking guys the reason you won’t date Robin?”
“Alright , alright, one at a time, Jesus.” Steve groans pinching the bridge of his nose and leaning back into the couch cushion. Robins practically melded her body into his on his right side and she’s gripping his hand tightly.
“Are you gay?” Lucas is the first to speak up again, looking at Steve and Robins bodies pressed up against another suspiciously.
“No, not in like, the basic meaning of the word no. I like girls still, that was never not true, but I also like guys.” He shrugs, praying that his voice doesn’t waver, and his fear is locked up tight inside where the others can’t see it. He needs to come across like this isn’t a big deal, like there’s nothing wrong with it and nothing wrong with him because of it. It’s the only way he knows how to hopefully convey ‘its fine to be this way’ into his groups minds so he can create a safe space among them.
Because the thing is, Steve knows they all love him, but he also knows love for him comes with an expiration date. Love for Steve Harrington expires the moment he’s no longer useful, so if he can use this part of himself to create a safe space, then maybe they’ll all stick around a little longer and a small voice whispers in the back of his head maybe you want to make sure they’ll still love you if you fall for a man.
And Steve knows that sounds like such a selfish reason to be doing what he’s doing, but its really only an after thought, its not the main reason by a long shot, but a part of him is still clinging to it.
“So, what you just, decided you like guys now too?” Mike pipes up, and Steve sees him look at Will with a blink and you’ll miss it speed, but it’s there and some of Steve’s fear dissipates.
“Nah man, It’s just not something I ever really noticed about myself before. Cause you know, liking girls was what I was told I’m supposed to do and since I like both it was super easy for me to like… uh..”
“Subconsciously.” Robin supplies
“Right yea subconsciously shove that other part of myself away. But it’s not like a choice ya know?” This was one of the questions he had the hard time planning a response with Robin for because it was a big one, an important learning moment for the kids that it’s not a choice to be gay in any capacity, and people are just born to be who they are, and that’s not a bad thing.
“And people can do that? Like both I mean?” It’s Max now who’s voice rings out, and Steve’s eyes skip over to her. She’s sitting tall and unafraid, but there’s a slight wobble to her lower lip that Steve knows no one else sees the way he does.
“Oh for sure, I mean I’m not like, an expert on any of this by any means, its all pretty new to me and I’m trying to learn. But I do know that I like both and like there’s nothing wrong with that.” There’s nodding around the room now as everyone takes in the information, and Steve finally, finally chances a look at Eddie.
Eddie was the one he was most afraid to tell, simply because Eddie is the only one who could possibly pose a threat to the safe space Steve’s trying to create. And not because Eddies a bad person or anything like that, but because Eddie is a lot older than the kids, and he’s had a long time to learn that queerness is ‘wrong’ from the world around him. And that small voice in his head whispers again Eddies opinion about you means something. What Steve isn’t expecting when their eyes meet is for Eddies eyes to be sort of glassy with unshed tears and a wide grin spread across his face that he’s hiding behind his hair. With that look all the remaining fear leaves Steve at once and he can breathe again. The kids are all now talking quietly amongst themselves before Eddie claps one loud clap and declares it’s time to get back to the game.
That night, back at Steve’s house, Robin and Steve wrap each other in a tight embrace and neither mentions that the other one is crying.
--
The thing Steve hadn’t expected was quiet how fast everyone in town would find out. But apparently someone had overheard his comment to Dustin at Family Video while they were talking and like in any small town, news travels fast.
For the most part, it’s not awful, but Steve realizes now how little he thought this through when he has to talk himself out of a panic attack every time he has to leave the house now.
Everyone’s talking about him when he walks around, hushed conversations and pointing fingers, and Steve has to fight off the nausea that constantly swirls around in his gut. He refuses to shut down the rumors though, because the whole point of him being openly out was that he was going to be openly out and unashamed of it so that the people he loves would never feel ashamed of who they loved.
Steve’s out with Robin and Eddie when someone finally says something to his face about it.
“Fag.” The word is hissed out at him through clenched teeth from a man shopping with his two children, emphasized with him spitting right in Steve’s face. Steve doesn’t really react at first, doesn’t really have time to because the mans pulling his kids away by their arms and disappearing around the corner.
“Oh my god Steve are you okay?” Robin rushes over to his side gripping his arm tightly as he uses his free hand to wipe the saliva off his cheek.
“I’m.. yea no I’m good Robs.” The words come out stronger than he thought they would, but he feels like his insides are vibrating with such a frequency of panic and despair, Robins hands are gonna be able to like faze through him or something. Eddie’s about to say something back when Jason Carver is suddenly standing a few feet from Steve, and instinctually he pushes Robin behind him, shaking out of her grip.
“King Steve, how the mighty have fallen.” Jason sneers, his arms crossed tightly over his chest like Steve’s contagious or something.
“Fuck off Carver.”
“Oh sorry right I forgot it’s Queen Steve now isn’t it? Guess it makes sense you’d choose to be gay now since you hang out with a Satan worshipper.” Steve sees Eddie flinch out of the corner of his eye and he steals himself.
“How would those two things even be related to each other?” The words come out clipped between his teeth.
“Well since you’d wanna make sure you get to hell too so you can burn with Munson over there.”
The thing about Steve, that he’s always been well aware of, is that he can take a hit. The other thing that he’s well aware of is that his friends shouldn’t if he can help it, so he does what he does best, and brings the threats attention away from them to sit squarely on him.
“Who say’s I’m going to hell, Carver? Been talking to someone about me? That’s sweet, I didn’t know you had a crush, but I’m sorry dude I just don’t find you very attractive.” He’s going for nonchalance but there’s a tremble in his hands now.
“You’re disgusting Harrington. Everyone knows Fags go to hell, God has no place for people like you in heaven.” And just like that Steve’s got him where he wants him, because he’s turning his body away from Eddie and Robin now and focusing only on Steve.
“Again you been talking to him about me or something? Not really sure how he’s gonna know everything about me if you aren’t.” Jason scowls at him.
“God watches everything Freak.”
“Everything?”
“That’s what I just said.”
“How is it my problem if he sees me taking a dick up the ass and has a problem with it? I mean, sounds like if you ask me he’s kinda the freak for watching that in the first place.”
Jason’s face goes bright red, and Steve can hear Eddie spluttering behind him, choking on his spit with a laugh.
“Come on Robs, Eddie, Looks like Jason doesn’t wanna talk about the almighty Voyeur anymore and I really wanna get through at least 2 movies before I’m sucked into hell tonight.” Turning on his heels Steve links arms with his best friends before dragging them out of the store and towards his car.
They sit in silence for a few seconds before Robin starts cracking up in the back seat wheezing, and Eddie just looks over at Steve with awe in his eyes. The rest of the ride home they fight off fits of giggles as Eddie over dramatizes a reenactment of the scene and Steve tries to pretend he isn’t starting to hate himself more than he did before.
--
It’s after the third movie and Robin falling asleep that Steve finally gets to talk to Eddie about everything that’s happened the last few days.
“You’re like stupid brave man.” Eddie states plopping down next to Steve on his back patio as they each light up a cigarette.
“What? for standing up to Carver? Nah man, guys a jerk, needs to be knocked down a few pegs.”
“No not that, well I mean not just that, just like this whole thing man.” He’s flinging his arms as he speaks ash from his cigarette blowing off and into the pool. “Like, you aren’t even trying to hide it and you’ve gotta be fucking terrified, but here you are barreling on just so that the people you care about feel like there isn’t anything wrong with them for being like you.” Steve kind of freezes at that, his eyes snapping away from Eddies hands to search his eyes, because he hadn’t even told Robin that was the reason behind him deciding to be so open and out even to their small hick town. Eddie meets his gaze taking a long drag from his cigarette before ashing it again.
“I’m not brave man. Stupid sure, but I’m not brave.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit Sweetheart. Even coming out to one person is brave, but you just said ‘fuck it I’m normalizing this shit for my friends’ and just… Came out to an entire town to do just that.”
Steve’s not sure anyone’s ever seen him the way Eddie does. Not sure anyone’s ever been able to just look at him and know there’s love behind the dumb shit he does and its absolutely terrifying to be known in such a way. It’s part of the reason Steve even figured out any of this about himself. Eddie seeing him, not shying way from the burning rage in his veins, not cowering from the too much love that pours out of Steve into his friendships. Just simply seeing it all and wanting to still be a part of his life.
And Steve’s a little bit in love with him for it. Been a little bit in love with him for a while now.
“I just figured I was the safest option to do it you know?” Steve whispers looking down at his hands, the cigarette burned down to the filter, and he’d never even taken a hit of it. “I’ve got enough in name alone that I’m at least a little safe from this town, and I know its stupid but I just wanted to create a normalcy around this for the kids. Show them there’s nothing wrong with it, in case ya know… any of them figure themselves out sooner than I did.”
“But see that’s what I’m saying Steve. Like fuck man,” He turns until he’s fully facing Steve crossing his legs under himself. “I’ve known I was gay since I was 12 and I never once thought about telling the kids or any of you, like not cause I don’t trust you guys or anything but because it’s fucking terrifying to be like us. You never know how someone’s gonna react and it can literally get you killed, but you just said ‘fuck that I want my kids to know they’ll be loved no matter what’ and I just don’t get how you can’t see how goddamn brave that is.” Eddie’s smiling at him softly, fiddling with the rings on his fingers the only sign of how nervous he actually is. “I have never met someone quite like you Stevie.”
And Steve’s not really proud of how he reacts to this, he’s a little embarrassed if he’s being honest, but all at once he’s like a man possessed just grabbing Eddies shirt and puling his face into his own, crushing their lips together. He didn’t even know he’d been crying till he tastes his own tears on the other man’s lips.
“Fuck, shit man I’m… I’m so sorry.” He pulls back quickly getting to his feet while running a hand through his hair.
“Hey woah, woah Stevie, Steve it’s okay.” Eddies hand latching onto his arm halts his movement.
“No, no its not, I just… just like forced myself on you like that, Even if you are gay, it doesn’t like mean you’re into me and I should have like asked first... fuck.” He can’t bring himself to look at the meatlhead, eyes locked on Eddies hand still gripping his arm gently.
“Steve, would you look at me.” The gentle base of his voice has Steve’s eyes snapping up to his, flicking back and forth between the deep pools of chocolate brown. “I’m not mad at you, in fact I’m kinda thrilled cause I’ve wanted to do that for a while now, but,” He sighs softly. “But right now you’re a little bit vulnerable and I’m not gonna take advantage of that. Cause no matter how funny that shit you said to Carver was, I know how absolutely horrible everything was that happened today, and I think maybe you should stop worrying about everyone else right now and let yourself feel whatever’s got your hands trembling since you came out. Because I know Buckley is your best friend, but I also know you haven’t talked to her about any of this because as much as this was for the kids, it was also for her, and I don’t think you’ve let yourself let it be about you at all.”
Steve knows he’s crying now. Hot wet tears streaming from his eyes as he looks at Eddie, the trembling in his hands spreading to the rest of him, before a soft sob rips its way out of his throat, his knees giving out and falling into the other man.
Eddie was right, Eddie’s always right but honestly Steve had been running on so much adrenaline since he first mentioned anything to Dustin, that the simple acknowledgment of it all from him just sort of breaks the carefully constructed dam Steve had built to hide behind.
Because he was scared. He was terrified that the wrong person would catch him alone around town, or that he’d lose his job or that his parents would find out before he’d finished packing up his room to move into Robins apartment with her. And he was tired all the time now. The panic eating away at all his energy, the need to be strong, seem brave in the face of all this for his friends eating a hole into him.
“This is stupid.” His words come out a choked whisper into Eddies neck where the other man had guided his face, one hand on that back of his head and the other around his waist holding him up and holding him close. “I’m supposed to be the strong one.”
“Baby, you are the strong one, but you can’t keep bottling everything up and keeping it to yourself like this, that doesn’t make it go away.” Eddie punctuates his words with a soft press of his lips to Steve’s temple. “Being gay… being queer, isn’t supposed to be about everyone else. Neither is coming out. It’s supposed to be about you Steve. It’s a piece of who you are, a very intimate piece. And just sharing that with the world is so revealing in a way a lot of people don’t really understand, and yea, it should be more normalized, but you shouldn’t put the burden of an entire like group on your shoulders and hold it alone. What you’re trying to do is insanely amazing, but it’s not fair to you that it’s only you fighting this battle. And it’s not a battle to be won over night sweetheart. I’m not even sure it’s a battle we’ll be able to win as a community for a long time, but fuck, Steve you’re good. You’re so good, but you aren’t alone in this. And if you’ll let me I’d love to have your back in this.” Pulling back Eddie places his hand under Steve’s chin and gently lifts it till their eyes meet. “You don’t have to always carry the world on your shoulder’s darling. It’ll kill you.” And Steve’s not really sure what to say back, because of course Eddies right. Normalizing the queer community is a fight that’s been going on for years now, and it’s not all about him. Of course he knows its not all about him, none of this was for him anyways, but he understands that in some ways him coming out should have been. Him coming out should have been a decision he made for himself and himself alone because it’s important to embrace who you are for yourself. Important to love who you are for yourself and not just for everyone around you.
“Steve you’re allowed to be selfish with things like this. It’s incredible what you did and what you’re doing but baby, it also important to take care of -you-. And I know you have such a hard time doing that, so I’m gonna do it for you for now, for as long as you’ll let me really. The rest of my life if I have to. But please, just don’t lose who you are, trying to use it to help other people find who they are.”
Eddie holds Steve while he cries, leads him up to his room and wraps his arms around him in bed, murmuring how proud he is of him, how it’s okay to let this be about himself now.
And Steve knows what he’s doing is important, knows that he’s never going to stop embracing this part of himself to help the people he love’s feel less broken, less alone, but he also knows, with Eddie by his side, he isn’t fighting this important fight alone and that it’s okay to be selfish with the important things.