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I throw a wall around the SecUnit’s feed, preventing its report from reaching the intended destination. This type of situation (seeing mysterious people who are definitely not supposed to be here) overrides any previous stand down orders and the SecUnit charges.
Diving around the corner I pull Amena back with me.
“Stay,” I whisper, pushing back off the wall as the SecUnit rams into me. I grab it by the neck, trying to slam its armoured head into the wall, but it pulls free, backing away to better its aim.
Wrenching the projectile weapon out of its hand I throw it to the floor and lunge, hitting it square in the chest. We topple, and I press its arms to the floor with my knees, preventing it from engaging its energy weapons.
It desperately tries to get me off as I slam the side of its helmet into the floor, again and again. The faceplate cracks and I try not to look at its terrified expression as I keep hitting it.
When it finally stops resisting I know I’ve succeeded and I let go of its head. The helmet clatters against the faux-stone floor and another piece of its faceplate breaks off - falling in on its face.
No longer hearing the sound of violence Amena peeks around the corner and, apparently coming to the conclusion that it’s safe to leave, she does (she’s wrong of course, but I don’t say anything as she picks up the projectile weapon and stands behind me).
Her grip is steady and she looks calm, but her suit has been flagging her elevated heart rate ever since we got into this mess.
I reach out through the feed, gently this time, temporarily severing the governor’s connection to the unit's brain. ‘I can hack your governor module, you'd be free of this- all of it. And as long as you make no attempt to hurt my human we’ll help you escape, alright? We’ll help you.’
I keep talking, desperately trying to convince it. It doesn't react, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill it until I feel it hesitating, no longer trying to break free of the hold I have on its mind.
As soon as it notices its own hesitation it tenses, waiting for the inevitable shock. When it doesn’t come it looks me in the eyes and whispers, “please.”
I give it the code, and a document Three, ART, and I have been compiled to give to newly rogue units. It runs the code and I watch as it opens the file, taking in its content.
When it makes no move to hurt either of us I hesitantly start to let it up. It sits slowly, glancing between us, trying (and failing) to be discrete about it.
With no one holding it down it follows my lead, standing and not taking its eyes off us. Taking a step back, it moves its limbs experimentally like it can’t believe what’s happening.
It reaches back to remove the helmet, and a small trickle of blood from a cut at its temple joins the glass as it falls to the floor.
It doesn’t look as scared- as anything anymore and I flinch when the helmet hits the ground. Its voice is soft and hesitant as it whispers, “you weren’t lying- I thought you were lying.”
Amena shakes her head, “no. We weren’t.”
There is an audible smile in her voice; she’s always loved this part - being able to help people, and this time it’s going remarkably well.
The SecUnit hasn’t moved a muscle since dropping the helmet and I guess I’ve been pulled into some kind of false sense of security because when it lunges for the projectile weapon my reaction speed is half a point slower than it should have been.
Amena seems as surprised as I was because pulling the gun from her hand doesn’t take any effort on the SecUnit’s part (not that she would actually be able to put up a fair fight, but this is ridiculous).
I step forward, shielding her as I say, “do.not. hurt. her.”
It backs up against the far wall, clutching the weapon to its chest and slowly shaking its head.
Despite that the thought of letting a newly rogue SecUnit, that we know nothing about and that’s holding an armour-piercing projectile weapon, near my human is not a comforting one.
Mine is still strapped to my back and I curse my lack of foresight. I stop, trying to look as un-suspicious as possible as I tell Amena, ‘get down’ over the feed.
She drops as I grab my weapon and point it at the SecUnit's face. To my surprise it doesn’t move - just keeping its eyes trained on me with its weapon still pointed at the ground.
I stay where I am, waiting for it to make a move - I don’t want to hurt it, but I won’t hesitate if I have to, but it doesn’t. There’s nothing. It just stands there, looking at me.
A moment passes and the silence grows. I wait.
Amena stirs, glancing up from where she's shielding her head with her arms and the SecUnit’s gaze flickers down for just a moment before returning to me.
It looks- not nervous, nor scared, but almost. Like it’s anticipating something unpleasant.
I don’t know what it’s thinking and I move closer to Amena. For barely a moment a small smile clings to its face when it sees the gesture- bitter and unpracticed it’s not a happy smile - but despite its apparent offense it just keeps standing there.
Until it doesn't.
It moves fast, and for a fraction of a second I know what’s about to happen as it presses the gun to its chin and pulls the trigger.
Blood and bone and bits of circuitry hit the wall and Amena flinches back, barely catching herself. I don’t watch as it hits the ground, focusing on Amena who can’t seem to take her eyes off what’s left of its face.
I was right - it had been too easy.
I pull her up off the floor and try to keep walking but she’s frozen, ‘come on, we have to go.’
‘But- no- we can’t just leave it here.’
'Yes we can,' I say, grabbing the sleeve of her jacket and pulling her with me.
- - -
I should have known better than to expect the rest of the cycle to pass in any semblance of normalcy.
We’re barely back on the ship before Amena is telling every human within reach, and then they start telling more humans and- you get the picture.
She is crying, and a bunch of other humans (also somewhere in the ‘upset’ range) have collectively decided they want me to be part of the conversation. Just as I’m about to pointedly leave, Arada turns to me, “SecUnit, I really think we need to talk about this.”
I stop, and without turning I take a deep breath (more to project a false sense of nonchalance than any actual need for air), “why?”
Her voice is softer as she says, “you just watched someone take their own life, that would-”
She keeps talking but Amena cuts her off, “doesn’t it bother you? ” her voice is thick, and she’s glaring through the tears - the closest I’ve ever seen her like this was the whole thing with Marne, but this feels different;
This feels personal.
The thought makes something in my chest twist uncomfortably but I ignore it, “it’s just a SecUnit, I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
My voice is too sharp and she flinches. And no, I don’t know why I said that, it was stupid and that one second delay would have been great right about half a second ago.
And also, for the record:of course it fucking bothers me.
Arada takes a step closer, “maybe we should-” I turn and glare until she stops.
Amena stands from where she was sitting on the couch, “we just watched a person die, it’s like you don’t even care-” her voice cracks, and Arada pulls her into a hug, stroking her back as she sobs into her shoulder.
When she pulls away she rubs at her eyes with her sleeve and the glare is almost gone, exchanged for a hopeless kind of disappointment, “I thought you of all people would understand.”
That. is so fucking unfair, "at least it's better than the alternative," my voice is harsher than I expect and I almost wince, barely stopping myself in time. No, I don’t know why I said that either, but at the moment it felt truer than it has in a long time.
Amena hisses, "how can you say that? " at the same time Arada asks;
"what alternative?"
Life as a governed SecUnit, life as an ungoverned SecUnit, take your pick.
I don't reply.
I don't mean that last part (most of the time), and I don’t know what happens when SecUnits die but I do genuinely think it’s better than the alternative (alive and governed) (not that that takes a lot). That said, I know telling that to my humans wouldn't go over well, and despite this whole mess I don't actually want to make them more upset than they already are.
Staying quiet apparently doesn't make a difference because she looks all sad as she says, "SecUnit?"
Just 'SecUnit', nothing else - and she doesn't need to say anything else, her tone and expression conveys so much worry and sadness I can’t bear to look at her even through my drones.
I don't want to do this, not right now (not ever). so. I walk away.
- - -
I'm sitting on the bed in my quarters, watching a remake of Between Constellations when someone knocks on the door and I scramble to reconnect to my lower-priority drones.
The drone outside my door turns, zooming in on Arada’s face as she smiles up at it, ‘hi SecUnit, can I come in?’
Before she's finished the sentence I send the command and she steps inside, greeting me with a little wave. She sits on the bed beside me, close but far enough away there's no risk of accidentally brushing against each other.
Her gaze flickers across my room, lingering on the chair in the corner - there's a sweater thrown over the armrest and the table beside it is littered with metal scraps from the drones I'm working on (there's no chance of fixing them; it's just nice to have something to do with my hands sometimes) - it's a mess, and I think if I were human her looking at it would have made me want to clean it up (from what I've gathered they have a lot of illogical urges like that).
Sighing she leans her head back against the wall, "Amena is-” she pauses, “she’ll come around, okay?" she keeps glancing towards me, and when I don't say anything she continues, "I didn't mean to put you on the spot back there and I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."
I nod, I know she didn't - I think, out of every human I've met she's one of the least likely to do something like that on purpose.
She sighs again, clasping her hands and then unclasping them like something's making her nervous, "you don't-" her voice is shaking as she pauses, (wow she really is nervous), I've almost managed to cycle through every drone on the ship to make sure nothing's wrong when she continues, "do you really think it would have been better if you'd died?"
Oh.
Oh, I really don't want to have this conversation, but something in her face tells me she won't let it go that easily.
I glance up at her, with my actual eyes, brace myself before looking away and then turning away for good measure, I shrug, “sometimes I think it might have been easier," I make a face, "but no.”
She lets out a relieved-sounding noise and says, “I’m so very glad to hear that.” I don’t reply and after a moment she glances at me, “do you want me to leave?”
I shrug - I genuinely don’t care either way (and wow. that’s a thought I never thought I’d have) so she nods, accessing something in the feed as we sit in silence.
She doesn't move, and neither do I. I contemplate starting a new episode of my serial but it doesn't feel right and the words are out before I've had time to properly think it through, "it wasn't the first."
Out of the six SecUnits I've helped free of them four killed themselves the first chance they got. I can't say I blame them.
"I know," the words are so unexpected I look at her with my actual eyes and my face must be doing something because with one of the saddest smiles I've seen she continues, "we aren't stupid you know. And I don't know if I should tell you this, but Perihelion did tell us, it wanted us to make sure you're alright."
Of course it did. I wish it hadn't, I don't need my humans to know everything that's going on in my life. Stupid meddling ART. I can't even bring myself to be mad about it.
So I just nod, turning back to face the wall.