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AN: Heed the trigger warnings. Take care of yourself. Everything belongs to the man, the myth, the legend, the one and only Rick Riordan.
Annabeth had been struggling with nightmares for as long as she could remember. She knew they were bad for all demigods, and all of them had to suffer through them. But somehow, her's were worse.
It started when she was a kid. She would wake up smacking her arms and legs, trying to beat away invisible spiders. When she was on the run with Luke and Thalia, she would sob in her sleep as demonic versions of her stepmother and father screamed at her. After Luke died, she thought she would never get a peaceful night's sleep again, but Percy's company was just barely able to keep Luke's dull, lifeless eyes from cropping up in her mind every night. When Percy was kidnapped, she forgoed sleep entirely, giving in to the insomnia in fear of what might happen if she closed her eyes. She was exhausted by the time they found him at Camp Jupiter, and that night she sobbed into his shoulder, too afraid to fall asleep with him in a different room for fear he might disappear again. He held her, murmuring in her ear, until she finally fell asleep.
But Tartarus was a different beast entirely.
Her and Percy both suffered and were suffering. Those first few nights out of Tartarus gave her some of the darkest, most twisted nightmares she had ever had. She tried to stay awake like she had after Hera took Percy, but her worn out body insisted that she rest, and she woke up screaming most nights. Sometimes she woke up with scratches covering her body, and barely trusted herself to hold a toothbrush. Her and Percy took care of each other, doing the little things when they couldn't trust their own minds. It had been a month since they were rescued, and Percy's nightmares and panic attacks had lessened. But Annabeth's brain worked on logic. Her trip through the most illogical place in the world had all but broken whatever fragile mental health she had. But her pride forced her to hide her suffering, to pretend that she was doing better too, even as her shaking hands were locking the bathroom door so she could have a third panic attack in less than five hours.
She thought that tonight would be alright. She had had so many panic attacks, and even went on a run, so she assumed her exhausted body would succumb to sleep and allow herself a few peaceful hours. She tucked herself in, making sure to leave on all of the lights. Blindness and the dark were two new fears of hers, but she stuffed the bottom of the door so no one would know that she still kept this ritual up. But she was so tired today that by the time she climbed under the covers she had convinced herself that she did it. She closed her eyes, trying to force herself to relax.
But somehow, tonight was the perfect storm for an awful nightmare.
Flashes of Tartarus, darkness surrounding her. She was screaming Percy's name, her throat raw and scratchy. She was reaching out her hands, trying to feel for him in the all consuming darkness. She could hear murmuring above. Hands were touching her, but were they friend or foe? Her tired brain went on panic mode, smacking at them. She heard someone cry out, and more hands rushed forward to pin her down. She was trapped, scratching and kicking and screaming for Percy. The hands released her, hissing in pain from her attack. She backed herself further into a corner, still unable to see. She clawed at her eyes, begging them to open and look around her. Her desperation to see and find Percy was mauling her insides, causing her to sob so loudly her throat felt scratchy.
She heard rustling as someone ran through the door, her devious hands still scratching at her eyes, but she felt strong and familiar arms pull them away. She could hear someone yell to turn on the lights.
And suddenly, she could see again.
She had no idea how long it had been since she had woken up, but she could see that Piper and Jason, who apparently had tried to restrain her, were covered in scratches and bruises. Hazel and Frank were hovering in the doorframe, looking on with concerned eyes. She turned her attention to the boy in front of her.
Percy's green eyes were searching her face desperately. He looked scared, his hands gripping her wrists so tightly she knew there would be finger shaped bruises there tomorrow.
"I'm so sorry, Annabeth," came a quiet voice. It was Piper. "I saw the lights on, and I turned them off because I saw you were asleep."
Annabeth's voice wasn't working. But looking at the red marks all over Piper again made her stomach lurch dangerously. She retched, and whimpered.
Percy knew that Annabeth despised throwing up, and that she certainly wouldn't want anyone to see her like this. He helped her up quickly, assuring their friends that he had this under control and to go back to sleep, and helped her towards the bathroom. He flicked on the light, and went to open the toilet seat. Annabeth caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Apparently, her nails were sharper than she thought. (When was the last time she trusted herself with a nail clipper? She couldn't remember.) There were scratches all around her swollen eyes, blood dripping steadily down her face from them.
If her stomach had been angry before, it was livid now. She launched herself forward, barely making it in time before she began to retch aggressively, heaving the small dinner she had barely been able to force down back up and into the toilet. Percy was beside her in an instant, pulling her hair back from her sweaty face into a ponytail, and rubbing her back gently. She threw up violently for several minutes, wretched sobs escaping her mouth as she dry heaved aggressively until at last her stomach gave her reprieve.
If it was anyone else, she would be so embarrassed of the way she sat on the bathroom floor, crying into the toilet. She still wasn't thrilled, but having Percy there made her feel so much better. She turned herself so she could lean on the wall, exhausted from her stomach's attack. Percy had gotten up to soak a small washcloth in nectar, and extended it to Annabeth.
She didn't even have to say words. She didn't even have to tell him that she was too scared to do it herself. She looked up at him, biting her lip to try and keep more tears from escaping, and he understood. He kneeled in front of her, cleaning the scratch marks with the nectar. Annabeth closed her eyes, hissing a little at the burning sensation from the nectar.
She heard a knock on the door, and he put the washcloth down to answer it. Annabeth buried her head in her hands, not wanting to be seen. A small, quiet conversation, and Percy was back, the door closed behind him. "I asked Piper to grab you a new pajama shirt," he said awkwardly. "I thought you'd like a clean one."
She began to remove her old one, which was covered in blood from her no longer dripping scratches and sweat. Percy turned around to give her some privacy, and she traded it for a shirt that was actually given to her by him. A Goode High swim tee, one that had shrunk in the wash and had become too small for him.
When she was done, he stood up to grab the nail clippers, and pulled her hand in front of him. Percy clipped her nails, taking care to be gentle and not go too far down. He clipped two of them before Annabeth spoke.
"I'm sorry."
He didn't even look up. "Don't apologize. We promised ourselves we wouldn't."
Silence.
"Percy?"
"Yeah?"
"I-I haven't been doing well lately," Annabeth said brokenly, tears threatening in her eyes and voice.
Percy sighed, and paused to look up at her. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked softly.
"You were doing so well. I didn't want you to worry. And... I was embarrassed. My stupid hubris told me that I shouldn't be a wimp, shouldn't tell you because if you were okay, I should be better." She hiccuped, and let out a sob.
Percy had her gathered in his arms in an instant. She could feel him press a kiss on the top of her head. "We promised. No more lies. Annabeth, everyone gets better on their own schedule. I still struggle. I tell you about it."
Percy and her had taken time to sit down for at least ten minutes a day, telling each about anything that happened that they other should know. Annabeth had always let him go first, so she could base her less than truthful answer off of what he said.
"I tell you about half of it," she whispered back, ashamed.
Percy pulled back to look her in the eye. "So what really happened today?"
It should've been a question, but the way it was phrased made it seem like anything less than one. Annabeth swallowed. "Five panic attacks. And it took Piper ten minutes to get my attention during dinner because I was lost in a memory."
Percy's eyes welled with tears. His face crumpled. Annabeth hated this. She hated causing him pain. "You need to tell me these things. I just want to help."
"I know, I know. It's just- I'm so tired Percy. I'm so goddamn tired. I didn't want you to worry, didn't want you to be this tired too."
Percy pulled her into his arms again, both of them crying softly. "Is there anything else I should know?" Percy murmured into her hair.
Annabeth hiccuped. "I've been waking up with scratches again. I'm so scared of myself."
Annabeth let out a sob, her sadness and fear and anxiety and her hundreds of other emotions unable to contain themselves anymore. She couldn't even bring herself to feel embarrassed. She gripped Percy's shirt tightly in her hands, terrified of letting go, terrified that he would be so revolted of her that he would leave her. She heard him swear, and then he held her more fiercely. "We're going to figure this out. I'm not going to let you feel like this anymore," he whispered.
They stayed like that, holding each other and crying, for a few minutes. When Annabeth's sobs were reduced to exhausted whimpers, Percy pulled away and untangled her fingers from the death grip on his shirt. He pulled her hands forward again to clip the rest of her nails, barely even batting an eye. Annabeth's heart swelled. If she had loved Percy before, she loved him even more now.
When he was finished, he scooped an overtired Annabeth into his arms, and began to carry her back to her room. When she realized this, her grip tightened on him, her breaths becoming shallower and faster. "Please," she let out brokenly. She didn't want to go back there, to the room where the shadows loomed larger, where she could barely allow herself to close her eyes, let alone hold a pencil or lock the door.
Percy gave her a kiss on her temple, and instead walked her farther down the hallway to his room. When he opened the door, Annabeth could breathe properly again. His scent was everywhere, smelling of the ocean breeze and warm cookies fresh from the oven. It was intoxicating in the best possible way, her mind finally calm and her eyes drooping from how relaxed she became.
He placed her down in his bed, turning around to fumble with something on his night stand. With one click, Annabeth saw an entire ocean scene play out on the walls in a calming shade of blue. "You're not the only one still afraid to sleep in the dark," Percy whispered with a shrug, putting the nightlight back down. Annabeth let a few tears slide down her face, then she scooted closer to the wall, patting the empty side of the bed next to her.
Percy climbed into bed, putting his arms around her waist and tangling his legs in hers. "Is this okay?" he asked quietly.
Annabeth nodded, touching her forehead to his and pressing a slightly shaking hand to his chest. She could feel his heartbeat, and the rhythm was so familiar that it had the effect of a calming lullaby. Percy kissed her on the tip of her nose. "Can I sleep here for a while?" she mumbled embarrassedly. "Like, even after tonight?"
Percy pulled her even closer, tucking her head underneath his so her ear was now pressed to where she could hear his heart beating. She closed her eyes. "You can sleep here forever," Percy whispered back.
She put her arms around him, resting her hands on the place where his Achille's heel used to be. She felt him shiver under her touch, and then heard him sigh contentedly. Annabeth had been aching for her something permanent her whole life. This was it. "I love you," she whispered into his chest. At first she couldn't even be sure if he heard her, but then she heard him hum quietly. "I love you too," came the quiet reply.
She closed her eyes, finally allowing herself to relent to her exhaustion, and let the sound of his heartbeat start to lull her to sleep. Percy mumbled goodnight to her, and his calming presence washed over her like a wave. She slept peacefully through the night, unafraid of the dark in a way that was only possible in Percy's arms.