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The very first time Dr. Hal Emmerich had fallen in love, it had ended poorly.
He wasn't even sure if what he felt back then could be considered love, not after the twisted forms and sick wants the person before her had shown, had insisted was "love". He later learned it was a crush, he looked up to the other and she was so, perfect. She was pretty and smart and carried herself with all the grace a highschool student possibly could. She was grades above him, both literally and metaphorically, he a freshman and her a junior. He should have caught on that it was nothing serious, he never had thoughts about her like his peers would talk about in hushed whispers. He never thought of her sexually, much less romantically.
It was never mentioned. He wasn't in any of her classes nor did he see her often outside of lunch. She graduated eventually and Hal was still stuck in highschool, getting shoved into lockers and pushed around by kids twice his size. He had always been on the scrawny side, after all. He was such an easy target.
His step mother finally took advantage of him. 17, pressured into it for years until he finally gave in. He thought she had loved him. He thought this was love. He was left disgusted with his own body, he was left with a broken family. He blamed it all on himself
He finally couldn't take looking his step sister in the eyes anymore, not after his mistake had lead to him finding his father's body in a pool.
He left for college and never looked back.
His second love had gone even worse.
A man, and Hal was in college this time. Still scrawny, long legged and with just about as much bone as muscle, he was much taller. He was a freak, in the eyes of most of his classmates. Taller than them and yet still an easy target to be shoved around. The man he had spent weeks day dreaming about and once, ashamedly, thinking about in the dead of night whilst he pleasured himself with his hand, turned out to be one of those, the ones who made fun of him. He had figured it out after the man had dumped his lunch on Hal's head in front of the entire cafeteria.
Hal had skipped the rest of his classes that day.
And each time he loved someone after it just seemed to get worse and worse. Hal began to think he was cursed, broken maybe. Dirty. Hal had left home not long after his father's untimely suicide, continuing to pursue his education as he sought out the only thing he had left, his goal. He wanted to at least help the world recover, to make up for what he had caused, for what his family was involved in. His focus had always been engineering, robots. So once he was pulled into a program to build robots that would help prevent war, to keep world peace, he thought he had finally done it. He thought this could be his gift back to the world.
He fell in love again.
A woman, Sniper Wolf. Again he couldn't tell if it was love or simple admiration towards someone who knew exactly what they wanted, someone so much more, capable, than himself. She was strong, independent, and beautiful. She had dogs, Hal was always an animal lover, even if he had slight allergies. She helped him feel like he might be able to accomplish something for once. Like he finally had a place in this world.
And it all came crumbling down when Shadow Moses happened.
Sniper wolf was dead, laying in the snow and bloody. Hal was forced to watch her die by the hands of the man who had just saved him not too long before. He was pitiful once again in that moment, tears streaking his face and the cold fogging his glasses. He was whimpering, couldn't bring himself to look in her direction after everything was said and done.
That day was when he had asked the question that put the final nail in his coffin. It sealed his fate. Everyone around him, everyone he had ever loved would die.
Because he had asked Snake if love could bloom.
"Do you think love can bloom, even on the battlefield?"
"Yes, I do."
Hal felt his heart twinge, just slightly in his chest. Something he had never felt before. He sniffled and reached up to fix his glasses, eyes still watery as he looked at Snake. Snake was looking back at him, the blueish green of his eyes meeting with Hals grey, and it only took the doctor a moment before he pieced it together.
He had never really felt love before, not because he was broken, not because he couldn't. Because he didn't know how to love. He didn't know what it felt like, admiration and jealousy he knew too well, he wanted to be like that girl in highschool. He wanted to be like that guy in college, he wanted to be someone like Sniper Wolf. He always wanted to be someone better.
But at the end of the day he was Dr. Hal Emmerich, and that would never change. He was Otacon, and with the way Snake was looking at him, he wouldn't want to be anyone else.
His heart twitched again, and he reached for it slowly, fisting a hand into his own jacket as he looked down, eyes widening.
Is this what love felt like?
He would finally get his answer much later, after he had stumbled his way to Snakes doorstep in the middle of nowhere, Alaska. After he had babbled and pleaded with Snake, no, with David, to help him fight the metal gears. He couldn't do this on his own, he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to do anything alone, really. But David had agreed to help and with that Philanthropy was born. The organization felt like a child to him, even if that was an odd comparison. He and David were two men working together towards a common goal and nothing more, not from David's end at least.
Hal had accidentally found his porn stash. It wasn't much, but it gave him an idea of what David liked. Pretty blondes, brunettes, big chests and long lashes with soft faces and curved bodies. Hal had reached up and felt his own face, ran the pads of his fingers over his light stubble, played with the ends of his grey dyed hair.
He had ditched the round, coke bottle glasses that made him look weak, childish, for smaller and more rectangular ones. He let his naturally brown hair start to grow out.
There wasn't much he could do about the rest of his body, though. Angular face, thin lashes, as tall as David himself but not nearly as filled out, not nearly as well maintained or strong. When he got to watch David work out, those muscles he spent years, decades maybe even, on building up, he felt both jealousy and arousal pool in the pits of his stomach. Flexing, pulling taunt under the skin and then relaxing as David's arms worked, his legs worked.
David had tried to help him get into working out once. He had helped position him, and Otacon had almost whimpered at the feeling of David's hands on him, gentle and calloused. He felt pathetic at the realization that David had so much control over him and the older man didn't even know it. David had no idea just how fucking sexy he looked when he smoked, lips around the small butt of the cigarette and brows knitted slightly if he was upset, face relaxed if he was having a good day. He had no idea how Hal would linger when he was doing their laundry, pausing for a moment when he got to Snakes shirts. He would never sniff them or anything to that degree, he wasn't that much of a degenerate yet, but sometimes he would find himself holding onto the fabric for a bit longer than he should have. Savouring the feeling against his hands, the way it was just so David like. Imagined balling his hands into the fabric as it clung to David's body.
Once he had taken David's bandana to bed with him after a fight. It wasn't even that much of a fight to begin with, some petty disagreement on budgeting. David had left the house, probably to find the nearest bar to drown himself in if Otacon was thinking about it honestly. David had his own issues. But Hal had been left alone in some one bedroom apartment with creaking floors and mildew stained walls and nothing to ease the discomfort settling in his chest. This wasn't home, they would have to move again within the month. The only constant in his life at this point was David and he was ashamed to admit it.
If David saw the bandana wrapped around Hal's fingers when he had gotten home later and slipped into the other side of the bed, he had never acknowledged it.
It was only a home when David was there with him. That realization pained him.
Hal was mistaken for ever thinking he could finally find someone who loved him back. He was broken, disgusting. Tainted. His step mother's hands never fully left his mind the tugging, nagging sensation of being utterly disgusting and taken advantage of. He was worthless, he couldn't shake the feeling and it affected him every time he even thought of getting intimate with someone. Anyone but Snake. Anyone but David.
The way David's hands rested on his shoulders when he was hunched over, working. The way their fingers would brush against each other on occasion when they went to grab coffee from the pot on the counter. The way David, if in a good mood, would toss Hal over his shoulder on a particularly late night and carry him to bed. The way David hugged him tight to his chest as if scared of losing Hal.
David's touches felt so much nicer and for a moment Hal could pretend everything was right in the world. David's touches made him forget.
Hal felt desperate for those brief touches.
It had all boiled over two weeks ago. David came home from the bar after another petty fight between the two of them and instead of immediately making his way to the bedroom, he found his way to Hal. One hand pushed the laptop Hal was working on partially shut, demanding the lanky man's full attention. Hal opened his mouth to protest, after all this was very important and he absolutely needed this, he was so close to tracking down the location of another metal gear off the coast of California. But the look in David's glassy and drunken eyes made him pause.
David looked terrified.
Hal was immediately up out of his seat and David moved his fingers from the warm plastic of the laptop as Hals hands cupped his face ever so gently and David had to stifle a hiccup. Today it was his turn to feel pathetic as the doctor doted on him, fingers gently holding his face as the doctors free hand pressed around, feeling his face, his forehead, his throat.
"David, Dave look at me, are you okay? You're not burning up what's wrong?" There was nothing physically wrong with him, not for the moment anyway. David knew his body would eventually turn against him and the FOXDIE would catch up. But for now those thoughts and the outside would were completely and utterly locked out. All that was here was Hal, the scent of Hal the feel of Hals hands on his face, the overwhelming *everything* of Hal. David fell forward, wrapped his arms tightly around the doctors wire thin frame as his head made contact with Hal's shoulder and rested there, face buried into the pale skin of his neck.
Hal tensed up under the sudden grasp, then slowly moved his hands to better positioning, one on David's back and the other tangling into the hair at the base of his head, holding David close as he started humming softly to try and calm him down. He was confused, scared even. Dave could feel it without looking at him. The way his shoulders were tensed and the way his heart was thumping wildly against his chest. The way his humming would hitch occasionally. Dave knew.
Dave was scared too.
It took all his courage and then some extra time before he tightened his grip on the smaller frame of the man in front of him, mumbling something against the skin of his neck. Hals hand slowed on the circles he was rubbing into the super soldiers back, and he questioned what Dave had said. Dave's grip tightened to the point where it was almost painful, and he took a moment before he finally spoke up again.
"Hal, Hal I can't... I'm going to die, Hal."
"Yeah?" The doctor let out a weak chuckle and attempted to lift the mood to no avail. "We all die someday, Dave."
"No." Hal didn't understand. Otacon didn't get it. David's hands gripped at the back of Hal's Evangelion graphic t-shirt, threatening to rip at the fabric. "Hal, if these missions don't get me killed, FOXDIE will. I don't know how much time I might have." David sucked in a breath, feeling like the floor was falling out from under him. He was never good with understanding his own emotions, partially because of his training and partially because he had never tried. He had never needed to until now. It felt like it was now or never, and it might as well have been. "Hal, I don't know how much time we have left."
"We?" There was a faint hitch in the words, Hal sucked in a breath and Dave could feel his ribs expanding and the gulp he swallowed down.
David's own breathing was a bit shaky, from the alcohol coursing through his veins or the nervous ache in the back of his lungs. "I love you." The words came out with a desperation David didn't even know he was capable of. They broke, cracked somewhere in the middle oh his sentence and he had to force himself not to swallow then back before it was too late. He could already feel the apprehension and horror fill his gut and smother out what little courage he had. Hal was going to hate him. Hal had never shown any interest in men to his knowledge, much less him. He would sneak looks at the nerdy doctor while he worked at his computer, face scrunched slightly and brows furrowed. He was, cute.
The way he worked so hard to push them both to fulfill their goal. He was the brains, David the brawn, but he found no qualms with that little arrangement of theirs. Hal was adorable when he was focused on something so completely, David found himself daydreaming of Hal looking at him like that. Hal, would would take his time mesmerizing every line of code and every tidbit of info for a mission, turning those eyes to David's body. Every dip and curve and scar.
He wondered if Hal's brain worked like a computer sometimes. It had to with how smart he was. But then again David had no idea how computers worked behind the surface screen. Perhaps all brains were like computers and his was just short circuiting or however Hal called it at the moment. He barely remembered how to breathe.
Hal was staring at him with something he couldn't place, still not one with his own emotions much less Hals. "You. You don't mean that David. You're drunk, let's get you to the bedroom."
David had to hold back from yelling. He might have been shit faced drunk and horribly nervous, but he knew what he wanted. He knew what he was saying and he had wanted to say this since Hal had first showed up at his doorstep in Alaska. He wasn't stupid. But he didn't say anything and just nodded as he went to pull away from the doctor. Hal kept an arm around him, muttering something about letting him help as Hal walked and David stumbled to the room.
One step, Two step. Left foot, right foot. God David felt like he was going to puke. He let Hal lead him to the bed that laid directly on the floor, easier to move just a air mattress around than it was a full bed and mattress set after all, and Hal slowly guided them both into sitting down, Dave on the bed while the doctor kneeled on the ground in front of him. "Do you need anything? Water?" He wasn't fully sure what he was supposed to do, but Hal was trying. David shook his head and Hal got up to leave, but quickly found his wrist stuck in a tight grip, holding him down. David.
"Stay," he whispered, swallowing thickly as he refused to make eye contact with his partner. "Hal I'm not, fuck. Nevermind. Just stay. Please." He wasn't lying about his feelings, but it was obvious Hal wasn't going to take him seriously with alcohol still in his system. He would just sleep it off, maybe they could talk in the morning. Hopefully without the liquid courage he would still be able to get the words out.
The doctor was silent, then slowly nodded and gave David a pat on the hand, sighing. "Okay. Just lay down, yeah? I'll stay." He stayed there as David grumbled under his breath and shifted, then managed to lay down with a weak cough. Hal reached up with his free hand and brushed a group of hairs away from David's forehead as the man closed his eyes.
The night faded out around him, and the last thing David felt before his alcohol induced sleep caught up with him was the gentle squeeze of his wrist from Hal's hand.
The morning light came too quickly, peaking in through the shabby blinds and finding its way conveniently in David's eyes. He moved his hand, and once finding it empty he quickly turned towards the edge of the bed and blinked his eyes a couple times to make sure he wasn't dreaming. But Hal was gone and the room suddenly felt so much colder. He grunted under his breath and forced himself to sit up, reaching up to rub at his forehead as pain flashed behind his eyes. His hands fumbled around on the floor for a bit before he finally found a water bottle and twisted it open, downing what was left inside as quickly as he could.
It took another couple of minutes before he head the sounds of metal crashing onto the floor from somewhere in the kitchen, following by a loud yelp of pain and horror. Hal.
David was quickly out if bed and he stumbled a bit as he ran to the kitchen, eyes wide. "Hal?!" He grabbed onto the doorframe to stop himself from slipping into the kitchen but instead almost managed to rip the wood off the wall. Hal was standing near the stove, coddling one hand to his chest and glaring at a a pot that laid lopsided on the floor along with what seemed to be chicken soup. David stepped into the kitchen, muttering as he stepped through the soupy broth and grabbed Hal by the shoulders. Hal flinched slightly and sucked in a breath, eyes flickering around the room and refusing to land on David. "Show me your hand."
"I'm fine." David's grip on his shoulders tightened slightly at those words and he shifted uncomfortablely under the grasp. He wasn't fine.
He hesitated a bit more before slowly reaching out with his injured hand, free hand now reaching up to push his glasses back to rest on his nose. "David, I'm fine. I promise it's not too serious it's just a small bur-" He was cut off by David lifting his hand slowly and pressing his lips to the burn. Hal stared dumbly, eyes wide and mouth falling open as his jaw went slack. His cheeks lit up a bright red and he swallowed thickly as he shifted his weight onto one leg. "Da... David?"
David held his hand there for a moment, lips still pressed against it before he moved and pressed a kiss to the pad of each of his fingers, squeezing his own eyes shut before finally lowering his hand slightly and sighing. "Hal. I meant it, what i said last night."
Hal just kept staring, slowly licking his lips before he squeezed David's hand, flinching as he forgot about his own injury. His other hand reached up and he rested it on David's cheek, then slowly leaned in and kissed him. Gentle, slow, giving David enough time to back out if we wished to. David leaned in and deepened it, his own hand balling into the front of the doctors shirt and holding him in place as he let out a groan. Hal brushed his hand through the soldiers hair and sighed out softly, relaxing into the kiss.
It was a moment before either of them pulled away, Hal opening his eyes slowly, as if scared the touch, the image, would be gone as soon as he dared look at it. But David was still there and still holding onto his hand and shirt. Hal wanted to laugh at the feeling of his hands balled into his shirt, it felt so similar to how Snake had picked him up when they first met. David was staring at him with wide eyes, then he smiled, just faintly. David's smiles were rare and Hal wanted to kiss him again to bask in that same happiness, but he didn't.
"How long have you loved me for?" Hal's voice was quiet as he leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. David huffed at the question.
"Since you showed up at my doorstep in Alaska. Underdressed and underprepared. But you had spirit." He chuckled softly under his breath, inhaling deeply. "And you?"
"Since Shadow Moses."
David actually laughed at that one, pulling away slightly and still holding onto the doctors hand as he grinned at the other man. "Shadow Moses," he repeated, brow quirking up ever so slightly.
Hal huffed in response. "It was after. After Sniper Wolf." He shifted again and bit his tongue for a moment. "Remember when I asked that question? You know. If you thought love was possible in war or whatever."
"You asked me if I thought love could bloom on the battlefield." David nodded, "I said yes, my answer hasn't changed."
"Yeah well I thought I was asking because, well. The obvious. Wolf? I thought it was because of her okay. I didn't realize until after you answered that I um. There was a crush? God I sound like some highschooler but that's what it was! You were so cool and strong and I felt safe." Hal started rambling but cut himself off before he could completely embarrass himself, then nodded as he collected his thoughts again. "You made me feel safe."
"Do I still? Make you feel safe I mean."
"Yeah." Hal smiled softly at him and leaned back in, connecting their lips once more.
Two weeks ago Hal wouldn't have even dreamed of sitting on the couch with David, curled up at his side as they watched some shitty western or old anime or action movie. Hal didn't think it was in his cards to have someone to hold hands with, to have someone to talk to and go to bed with every night. To have someone like Dave.
But here they were, a simple family. Bar trips for David became less and less frequent and Hal found he was no longer hunched over his computer for 12 hours out of a day. They had each other to spend time with. Had they been avoiding each other this whole time, trying to keep everything secretive? Neither knew for sure but what was certain was that David had finally found stability, and Hal had finally found affection. What happened in the future was left for the future, they had each other for now and that was all that mattered.
Maybe Hal really was mistaken. Maybe he hadn't felt love before now. But that was okay because at the end of the day, he couldn't be happier than this, David's hand in his as they took time off saving the world to savour their own happiness.
And that was good enough for him.