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“I just don’t think this is a good idea.” Elrond had been saying variations of the same thought every day from the moment they left Imladris and he continued saying it as they approached the gates of Barad-dur.
Celebrian sighed and rolled her eyes as she always did. “You’re just saying that because you don’t care for my mother.”
“Of course, I care for your mother. We used to be good friends, in fact,” he replied, rather indignantly. “If I’m being truthful, it’s your stepfather whom I don’t care for.”
“What is wrong with my stepfather?”
“Well, I mean, he’s evil for one thing.” Elrond couldn't believe that that thought needed to be said.
“Oh, so because he’s a stepfather, he must be evil." She put her hands on her hips. "Isn’t that how the story always goes?”
“No, it’s his army of orcs that makes him evil. No offense,” he added to the orc who was escorting them to the door.
“Employing a marginalized population does not make him evil. If anything it makes him inclusive. We should be celebrating him, not condemning him.”
“Celebrian…”
“Besides, he’s a good stepfather. He always came to all of my poetry recitations.”
“Really?" Elrond laughed. "All of them?”
“Well, he does work quite a bit. But he always sent an orc or two to support me.”
They reached the door and another important looking orc stood there to greet them. He wore a bow tie over his armor. “Welcome to Barad-dur,” he said, bowing as low to the ground as he physically could.
“Thank you!” Celebrian replied with a smile. “And what is your name?” She asked.
“Ugpak, if you please.”
“What a beautiful name! What does it mean?”
“Ugly," he replied proudly.
“Well, this place is certainly beautiful.”
“Thank you, my lady. The Lady Galadriel insists on cleanliness. The blood and body parts are cleared off regular like every Sunday.” He gestured to the ground which, sure enough, was clean of all blood and body parts with the exception of a single finger. Ugpak quickly stooped to pick it up and put it in his pocket. "Whoops. Sorry about that. Must've been overlooked." He laughed nervously.
“No kidding, every Sunday,” Elrond replied sarcastically.
“Yessir, every Sunday regular like. Now,” the orc opened the door and gestured for them to follow. “If you would be so kind as to follow me. I believe dinner is already ready.”
The dining room was a large stone room with a surprisingly low ceiling. A massive wooden table took up most of the room with a handful of widely spaced chairs placed around it. The only light came from a dripping iron chandelier that hung above the table and seemed to creak and slowly twist by its own accord. Great shadows filled the corners of the room. There was a musty damp smell in the air that Elrond sincerely hoped wasn’t the dinner.
They took their seats at that table. Elrond and his wife sat next to each other with the Dark Lord Sauron and Lady Galadriel sitting across from them.
A duo of well-dressed orcs came in and set dishes in front of everyone.
Elrond poked the brown substance with his fork. “What is this?” Elrond leaned in close and whispered to his wife.
“I think it’s beef.”
“There’s a talon in mine.”
“Chicken then.”
“And a tail.”
“So it’s dragon. Just eat it. They spent all morning cooking it.” She took a large bite. “Mmm..wonderful!”
A scream suddenly cut through the room.
“Don’t mind that,” Sauron said. “The uruks are rehearsing a play, I think.”
“They’re rehearsing…a play?” Elrond looked around the room from person to person, expecting someone to start laughing.
“Indeed,” Galadriel replied. “I’ve started an arts program this year and the uruks have taken to it immediately. We’ll have to show you some of their paintings. It’s really quite wonderful how some of them have been able to truly capture the beauty in darkness. Just extraordinary. Ugpak, especially. You’ve met Ugpak, right?”
“He led us in,” Celebrian replied.
Galadriel nodded. “The soul of a poet in that one. You should see his paintings.”
“His true passion,” Sauron added. “Is with cooking though. He made this meal.”
“An arts program…really.” Elrond couldn’t keep the note of surprise from his voice. “Orcs in an art program.”
“They prefer to be called Uruks,” Sauron said.
A long pause followed. “I see…” Elrond stabbed the talon with his fork and held it up. He looked at it for a moment before slowly bringing it to his mouth. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and took the smallest of bites. “It’s de…delicious.” He set the rest of the talon back on his plate. “I’m full. Couldn’t possibly eat another bite. My compliments to Ugpak. He’s going to make a fantastic chef one day.”
“Now, tell me,” Galadriel began. “What have the two of you been up to lately? You hardly write.”
“Oh, you know. Just busy ruling Imladris,” Elrond replied. “Nothing special.”
“The twins have been busy exploring. I think they’re restless, to be honest,” Celebrian jumped in. “And Arwen…well, you know Arwen. Always walking among the stars.”
“You know,” Galadriel said with a look at her husband. “We’ve been talking and we would love to foster her here for a time.”
“Here,” Elrond said. “In Mordor. With the both of you?”
“She is my granddaughter,” Galadriel replied. “It’d be good for her to see a bit of the world.”
“In Mordor?”
“Do you not like it here or something?” Sauron asked suddenly. “Because we’ve been nothing but welcoming to you. Ugpak spent all morning preparing this delicious meal that you’ve hardly touched.”
Celebrian shot her husband a look. “Oh no, he’s only joking. Mordor is absolutely beautiful. And our deepest compliments to Ugpak. I’m certain Arwen would be delighted to spend some time here. I bet she’d find your urukish arts program absolutely fascinating."
Elrond leaned in close a second time and whispered to his wife, “we should probably talk about this first–”
“Eat your talons,” she replied.
The rest of the stay felt like an eternity. Ugpak treated Elrond and Celebrian to a tour of the fortress. He took especial care to point out each and every uruk-painted painting, the symbolism in brush stroke, and the life story of every artist–which was nearly the same for all of them as it seemed as though most uruks were related. Celebrian asked dozens of questions and found each one absolutely stunning. Elrond thought they were amateurish at best and didn’t understand why the only colors ever used were red and black. Galadriel showed them her garden. It was filled with toxic-looking spiky shrubs. Nothing else would grow in that environment, she explained to them. And Lord Sauron showed them his extensive ring collection that filled two entire rooms.
At last the visit ended. Lord Sauron and Lady Galadriel walked them to the door.
“Maybe we’ll pay you a visit next time,” Galadriel said, giving each one of them a hug in turn.
“Please don’t.”
“Elrond!” Celebrian gave him a hard look. “He’s only jesting. We would love to have you guys come see us next time. We’ll put up pavilions so your uruks won’t have to mind the sun so much.”
“Oh, don’t worry yourselves too much,” Sauron replied. “We wouldn’t possibly think of bringing more than three or four thousand. Adar can babysit the rest.”
“Only three or four thousand?” Elrond said. “Don’t feel you need to travel light on our behalf.”
“Well, if you insist, we’ll bring them all,” Sauron said with a sly smile. “How’s next Thursday for you?”