Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mikey shook the bottle of spray paint before flaring out of a line he just finished. Mikey hadn’t spray painted in a long time, he missed it.  Honestly, he doesn’t remember why he stopped. The weight of the can was perfectly balanced in his hand, and the small sounds of the interior shaking with the change in angle, it was amazing. Mikey felt a calmness rush over him. He could do this for hours. He took a step back admiring his work on the half pipe, it was a human head (one of Mikey’s sketches of humans he makes in his free time) but their head was cut in half letting their imagination flow out into a colorful mess of swirls and random objects. It would probably get scraped off soon with some skating but Miley liked the decorations of graffiti. And the routine of doing so-

“YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS LEO!” Mikey flinched at the sudden scream from the kitchen, “One day someone is going to get seriously hurt! It may be you or worse, someone else!”

“Woah Raph I’m really hurt- you think someone else getting hurt isn’t as bad as me getting hurt,” Leo said in a sarcastic tone, “like ow- great to know I’m valued by our all-powerful leader!” Leo’s voice gained volume near the end of his sentence.

“Leo that wasn’t what I meant and you know that!” Raph replied, his voice coated with anger and protectiveness. “You need to grow up Leo! People are depending on you, on us. You can’t keep fooling around!” Mikey moved towards the kitchen so he could see the other turtles while remaining hidden.

Leo turned to look at Raph. His posture showed that he was annoyed but his eyes told a different story. Mikey from a young age could read people well, even Donnie who tended to be difficult to read for others, Mikey could understand. Mikey could see what their eyes meant, their posture, their overall appearance. And Leo, well Leo was hurt. Angry sure- but he was covering for his sadness deep down in his heart. “You don’t get it!” Leo raised his voice, “I don’t get to fool around anymore! We’re 16! But somehow you were able to put so much pressure on me that I have to act like a fucking adult!” Raph took a small step back before puffing up his chest. Great, he was refusing to back down.

“Leo, we have to be the adults,” Raph said sternly.

“Why?!? Why is it always on us to be the adults?!”

“BECAUSE IT IS! IT JUST IS!” Raph let out a scream. Mikey covered his ears, his eyes starting to fill up with tears. Why did this happen every day? What happened to his family? Why were his brothers acting like this?

There was a breath from the two turtles in the room. “I need to take a walk,” Leo said, moving to start exiting the kitchen.

“Leo!“

“WHAT DAD-“ Leo stopped surprised by his reaction, yet he continued “stop acting like you own me! If I wanna go to the surface, I can, so fuck off!”

“Don’t call me dad Leo,” Raph said, voice lower than usual. “You know that was too far.”

Leo looked back, eyes screaming that he wanted to say so many apologies but his pride stopped him from doing so. Instead, he scoffed before exiting the kitchen and heading out into the night above them on the surface.

————————————————

Hours passed and Leo still wasn’t back. Mikey was anxiously pacing while Donnie was searching for his location on his tech. Mikey looked at the clock, 2:37 am- Leo left at 9 why wasn’t he back yet? Mikey could feel his body start to become hot as his head started to panic. What if he got hurt? Or died! Omg, he was definitely dead, wasn't he? Fuck, why did Mikey let him leave?

“Mikey I know you’re worried but panicking isn’t going to solve it” Donnie quietly reminded him.

“Any luck?” Mikey asked looking at Donnie’s arm tablet.

Donnie quickly moved it to an angle Mikey couldn’t see out of habit, before relaxing and letting Mikey peek over his shoulder. “Well I don’t know what Leo was doing but it seemed to somehow fry my trackers. All of them.” Donnie sighed out, “so I’ve concluded to try and look at my ‘all security cameras in New York’ app, or my ASCNYC if you will. But Leo is being weirdly good at avoiding view.” Donnie taped quicker on the screen. Trying to pull up anything that could help.

“What if he’s in trouble?” Mikey stuttered out.

Donnie looked at him, avoiding direct eye contact but still getting the point across. “Leo’s smart he won’t get caught or in any trouble.” Donnie reasoned, quickly going back to tapping away on his tablet.

“Should we go out and look for him?” Mikey went back to pacing, “it’s getting ready late,”.

“Didn't he need time, or whatever the fuck he talking about?” Donnie deadpanned, taking the information that Mikey had spurted out at him when the time had hit four hours after Leo left.

“A walk doesn’t take five and a half hours,” Mikey whined, voice laced with concerns and emotions nearing toxicity. Mikey’s pacing became sloppy as he stepped on his foot wrong “OW fuck!” He yelped, gripping his ankle. He lost balance and he started to fall. Donnie’s metal hands caught him lowering him to the ground.

“How much sleep did you get last night Mikey?” Donnie asked, concerned undertones dancing around his voice.

“Well Raph was out until like 4-“

“No, how much sleep did you get?” Donnie cut off, “I just need a number.”

“1 hour,” Mikey responded quietly. Coming back to a stand keeping pressure off his ankle. “I’m sorry I know we talked about my sleep schedule and fixing it. But Raph was out until like 4 and then he was still fuming so I tried to calm him down. Made us both food but it burned in the oven so I had to start over-” Mikey suddenly stopped “ I’m rambling, sorry.”

“Sigh,” Donnie said, “it’s okay Mikey I know you can’t control it, you and your heart is full of love. Even though hearts aren’t actually full of love.” Donnie looked up from his tablet looking near Mikey, “don’t let anyone change that. Okay? You and your good heart I mean not how hearts aren’t actually made of love.”

“of course Donnie I wouldn’t dream of it!” Mikey said crashing into the back of Donnie hugging him. Mikey felt his shell being patted by cold metal. “I love you, Donnie,” Mikey whispered still hugging from behind.

“I know Mikey, I love you too,” Donnie muttered out. Both of the turtles turned their head when they heard the hatch opening to the lair. Donnie and Mikey quickly made eye contact with each other, anxiety coursing through Mikey's veins. He held his Kusari-fundo loosely in his hand.

A glimpse of blue dropped down the latter. Mikey relaxed rushing forward to see his brother home. But what he saw was not what he was expecting. It wasn’t bad just- something neither the purple nor the orange turtle could anticipate. Leo stood there in fine condition besides a few scratches. But he was wobbling and stumbling. His head seemed heavy as he acted like it had an enormous weight to it. And there in his left hand- a half-finished bottle of vodka. His brother was drunk.

Of fucking course.

Chapter Text

“Leo?” Mikey asks carefully approaching his brother, “Leo what happened?” Mikey questioned, pushing for an answer.

“What did you do?” Donnie said from behind Mikey. “Leo, are you fucking drunk?”

“No….” there was a long pause as tension settled in the air. Leo then broke the silence and laughed clutching his stomach with his hand and bottle of vodka. “I would never- me? Drinking? Pleaseeeee.”

Mikey looked between Leo and Donnie, he didn’t know if they were about to fight or if he should leave and let Donnie handle this- but he couldn’t Donnie needed him there. “Leo I can smell it,” Donnie replied. “I thought we agreed no drinking or drug use outside of the lair. Especially alone, I mean are you crazy?”

Leo laughed again, this time slightly louder “Ha, if you wanna see crazy look at Raph. Big bro thinks he’s our dad like Splinter was” Leo fell into another laughing fit bringing up his free hand to wipe at his eye, “pfft like, like Splinter wasn’t ever alive! Honestly, it’s very- very, very very funny when you think about it,” Leo was slurring his words, still swaying from side to side. God, how drunk was he? Mikey took a step back continuously looking between his brothers.

“Give me that,” Donnie said ripping the bottle of alcohol away from Leo. “Where did you even get this dumbass. God, I know you were upset but did you really have to go off and do that-”

“Stop it! WHY DOES EVERYONE BOSS ME AROUND?!?” Leo screamed emotion flipping on its head. Mikey hadn't seen his brother drunk a lot, not when he was sober anyway. But from what he could gather Leo has two main possible moods while drunk. There was honesty mixed with finding everything funny, this usually made Leo laugh his ass off while sharing his actual feelings deep down. Mikey can remember late nights staring at the stars while Leo and him just talked about everything and nothing. Mikey missed that, the good old family bonding. And there was also anger. It was terrifying to be on the receiving side, as Leo would scream and even threaten to hit sometimes. He never actually did, of course! But he would scream for hours until he passed out. Mikey would hide in his room during these times hoping that his music blasting in his headphones and shaky pencil marks would help distract him. It never did. That’s why Leo tries to avoid getting drunk anymore. Well, he did.

“BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE LEO!” Donnie raised his voice, a rare-rare occurrence for him. “you act like a child, but at the same time, you want to lead. You can’t do both Leo. So make up your mind. If you want to keep being a child then come to terms with being treated like one. Or! you could grow the fuck up and actually start to be responsible!”

“I am responsible,” Leo responded in a low angry voice.

“You think this is responsible?” Donnie waved the half-drunken bottle of vodka in front of Leo. “Cause I’ll give you a spoiler- It's not!’

“Oh my god, do you ever shut the fuck up?” Leo asked frustrated, “Oh wait- you don't! and give me that back!” Leo reached for the Vodka. Donnie quickly used his height to keep it away from Leo, but Leo kept jumping. “Give it back you useless tec maker! God, you're so fucking useless for the love of god give me back the fucking drink-”

The room went silent as everyone became shocked at what Leo had said. Mikey felt a tear roll down his face before quickly wiping it away. Donnie stared for a second and Leo stared back. “I- I’m sorry,” Leo whispered. Mikey could see that he only half meant it, his mind still clouded by alcohol. Donnie looked at him up and down before raising the vodka even higher.

“You should be,” Donnie said before slamming the vodka bottle on the ground. It made a loud noise as the glass shattered into a million pieces. Some slightly scraping both the blue and purple turtles’ feet. Mikey gasped, as he took a step forward before Donnie shoed him off, Donnie turned his full attention to Leo keeping his voice low “This is why you could never be a good leader Leo. This is why we don't trust you fully. If you want to know what's wrong- look in a fucking mirror. Don’t talk to me- no don't even fucking look at me until you have the common sense to be a good person. Because it’s embarrassing to know you, to be related to you is even worse. I hate being around you, you’re not charming or interesting, but you are annoying. You constantly go out of your way to make the rest of our lives inconvenient. So fuck you. Don’t even try to apologize. I'm done with your bullshit.”

Leo had tears rolling down his face as Donnie stormed out of the room. Mikey looked at Leo, “I guess I- I really fucked up this time. didn't I little bro?” Leo was staring at the same spot he was before Donnie left. Mikey ran up minding the broken glass before embracing his brother in a very tight hug.

Leo fell to the ground, Mikey followed him to the floor letting Leo put all his weight on him. Mikey shushed him rocking him side to side. “He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it. He was just upset.” Leo’s tears became more frequent, a constant flow of water going down his face. He sobbed, his breaths unsure and shaky. Mikey sat there rubbing his brother's shell, “I'm here, I'm here” Mikey reassured quietly, “You’re safe, no one is going to hurt you. It’s okay, it’s okay.” Leo continued to cry into Mikey's chest until his breath evened out.

“Are they right?” Leo said under his breath, “About me- about everything. God, how do I keep making mistakes? Maybe I'm the mistake?” His voice raised a little before he shoved himself further into Mikey.

“We all make mistakes Leo,” Mikey reminded him “What's important is that we understand what we did wrong and that it doesn't define us. Yes, you messed up. But we all have. When Donnie's tec goes wrong and almost gets us hurt, or Raph makes a bad call and almost gets us killed, or when I almost get seen by humans and put us all in danger. Those things happen, no one should expect you to be perfect. And I can see you’re trying Leo, even if it's hidden under your carefree attitude.” Mikey lowered his head resting it against Leos, letting his tears get smushed in between the two turtles’ heads. Mikey sniffled continuing on “You are not the mistake Leo. Don't say you are. They are not right, because you have proven you can be responsible and act older than you are. Raph and Donnie, our brothers can get blinded by strong emotions, considering one of them has a hard time experiencing emotions at all. But it's going to be okay. Even if it doesn't feel like it, it is,” Mikey lifted his head, and Leo lifted his head too. “You look tired- we should get you to bed,” Mikey rose and helped Leo up. “Careful of the glass,” Mikey pointed.

The brothers made their way toward Leo's room. Once they got there Leo collapsed on his bed with a sigh tears still in his eyes. “Do you need any meds for your head?” Leo shook his head “Okay,” Mikey smiled “I'm going to get you some water, get some rest.” Mikey said resting a hand on Leo's head before walking out of the room.

Mikey walked out to the kitchen, looking at the broken glass on the floor. Ugh, he would have to clean that up later. When Mikey got to the kitchen he didn't even bother looking at the clock, the time didn't matter anymore he had things to do. Mikey got water before bringing up to a fast-asleep Leo. Mikey left it on Leo's nightstand, picking up the many used ones left on there. “I love you Leo” Mikey whispered before exiting the room.

Mikey yawned, he was exhausted. He felt like this has been his routine for months. He should go check on Donnie, what if he still needed help? And what if Raph woke up and needed the know what happened? And what if he’s forgetting something important? What if this was Mikey's life forever now? What if it's a forever downward spiral of constantly needing to help his brothers? What if one day he can’t? What if he losses his brothers and his all his fault? Mikey stopped after dropping the glasses in the sink.

“I can't do this anymore,” Mikey whispered hiding his head in his hands. He wasn't saying it to anyone, he just needed to get it out. He needed to get this all out of his brain. He couldn't do this, his head was so full and all he could do was think about it. Before Mikey knew what he was doing he ran and gathered a bag filled of spray paints, he threw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants before he quickly climbed up the sewer entrance making his way up to the surface. He wouldn’t go far, just far enough to find a good wall and clear his mind. By now the sun was starting to show signs of rising as it was nearing morning.

Mikey quickly hopped from rooftop to rooftop, before stopping about four buildings away at a brick wall on top of a building. It was probably for the staircase to the roof but Mikey couldn't care less. Mikey dropped his bag of spray paints grabbing the white one as he began sketching. He did his work quickly, his mind-numbing itself and working on the task at hand. He grabbed his colors adoring the weight in his hands as he began sparing two at the same time. Purpled, blues, and reds mixed, the yellow spray paint forgotten in the bag. Mikey made his hands move at perfect angles getting perfect circles and straight lines. He smiled as the smell of spray paint made it into his lungs, he breathed it in, happy to smell something other than alcohol for the first time in the last few hours. Mikey took a step admiring his quick but impressive work. It was nearing the time a normal person would be awake so even if he wanted to work on it more Mikey had to leave. He rushed back to the lair leaving behind the words that were written in an artistic graffiti style saying ‘It's hard but I love you still’
—-------------
Mikey pulled the last batch of cookies out of the oven. He turned around to the island and slid the baking pan on it. He hummed to himself, happy with his work. Mikey’s fingers were still covered in spray paint as the paint-stained and adhered to his skin. He didn’t mind, he actually preferred it! He heard someone enter the kitchen. He turned around to see a big tired Raph still in his PJs behind him.

“Good morning Raphy!” Mikey welcomed him into the kitchen, “I made cookies! We have chocolate chip, snickerdoodle, red velvet, and straight-out-of-the-oven good old classic sugar cookies!” Mikey pointed at each cookie when saying their respective names. “However I was planning to ice the sugar cookies- but if my loving brother wants one he can have it!” Mikey put a finger on his chin thinking about his plan for the icing. If Raph had a cookie or two he would still have about a batch to ice which is plenty. So it was fine to let Raph have a sugar cookie, but he would probably want a red velvet because those are indeed his favorite.

“What do you want Mikey?” Raph asked, Mikey could imagine him raising a nonexistent eyebrow.

Mikey smiled, “Whatever do you mean brother dearest?” Mikey nudged Raph on the shoulder. “I can't just do nice things for my brothers?” Mikey pouted, eyes turning into puppy eyes. He blinked a few times to get the point across.

“No,” Raph replied shoving Mikey who laughed. “You never make red velvet- my favorite cookies- let alone, Leo’s chocolate chip, or Donnie’s snickerdoodles. Not unless you want something.” Raph leaned down to make extreme eye contact with Mikey, “What's your plan little man?”.

Mikey shrugged, “I don't know?” He walked over to the coffee maker. If Raph was up so was Donnie and given last night, Mikey had to do some damage control. Mikey poured the coffee into Donnie’s favorite mug making sure to grab the thinnest spoon they had before shuffling over to grab some cookies for Donnie as well.

Mikey was about to leave the kitchen when Raph stopped him, “Hey uh- you don't have to answer but I heard,” He paused trying to find the right words “like a smash and something breaking last night, it sounded like AGHHHH-CHRSSSSS, BRRRR!” Raph sounded out. Mikey let out a small laugh before looking over to the ground where the crushed vodka bottle had been hours before. Now nothing laid there but a clean floor.

Mikey turned to his brother, “Oh yea! I dropped something while cleaning the kitchen- sorry if that woke you up. I know some of us need our beauty sleep to look semi-decent!”

“HEY!” Mikey heard before speedwalking out of the kitchen. He looked behind him to see Raph smiling and shaking his head before picking up a red velvet cookie. Mikey continued to Donnie's lab knocking on the door.

“Hey, Dee! Can I come in?” Mikey asked ensuring the other side of the door could hear him.

“Yeah, I guess.” A monotone voice replied. Mikey opened the door struggling with the number of things he was holding.

He finally opened the door rambling to Donnie, “So Don last night was rough, but I made cookies! I made everyone's favorite! And I also made you coffee! I know it won't erase what happened last night. But maybe it could make it better?” Mikey looked up and his eyes met with a tired, delusional Donatello. Donnie was scrunched over, looking over his shoulder away from his computer. He had graphs pulled up, a lot of data scribbled down on paper, and sticky notes covering his work area. “Donnie, what is that?” Mikey raised the coffee cup gesturing to the screen and data points.

“Nothing much-” Donnie rubbed his eyes, it's just a graph to help me understand some of the family’s recent actions. Stayed up all night making it” Donnie sniffled reaching out for the coffee cup showing his tiredness. His hand was shaking and the bags under his eyes were dark.

Mikey handed over the coffee cup looking closer at the screen. “Why would you need to do that?” Mikey asked.

Donnie looked over to Mikey, grabbing a snickerdoodle and biting. With his mouth full Donnie replied, “Because I think something is seriously wrong with this family.”.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: A step in the wrong direction

Mikey couldn’t stop thinking about what Donnie had said. It was like the words had stuck to him and engraved themselves in his skin. His mind replayed the words like a scratched record, and all he could do was sit there and act like it wasn’t happening.

Mikey looked up from his sketchbook, watching Leo going back and forth on the skating ramp. His graffiti is being scraped off by the constant rubbing of the wheels. Mikey knew it was going to happen eventually but he couldn’t stop the small sadness as he watched the graffiti fade into nothing. Mikey's fingers itched to go out and make some more art, to go up onto the surface and just start creating. To get his art noticed. To make something great.

“Are you going to skate or just stare at the ramp?” Leo asked suddenly in front of Mikey. Mikey yelped, falling backward. Leo smiled, offering a hand to help his brother back up.

“I mean-“ Mikey thought about it, “I don’t know if I’m really in the mood, just thinking about art and stuff.”

“What’s so special about art and stuff that you completely zone out.” Leo sat down next to Mikey letting their shoulders touch.

“Well,” Mikey looked at Leo, “there’s just something about art you know!” His eyes lit up as he began explaining the depths of art for the next few minutes “I mean you can create anything! God, I just wish I could show the world my art!” Mikey brought his knees up to his chest.

“Ha, have you seen us? If you got caught, or worse, actually started to get people looking for your art it could get bad for all of us.” Mikey sighed looking back at the ramp where his half-destroyed art was, Leo sighed “but as long as you are careful to follow your dreams man”. There was a comfortable silence that fell over the two as they sat there leaning against each other. “Can I see your art,” Leo questioned Mikey.

The weird thing about Mikey is he always got so nervous showing his art to his brothers. He would get worried that they’d make fun of him or break his art or something. It’s stupid, Mikey knows. But it’s hard to let go of a fear that has been rooted in your mind for a long time. Mikey hummed thinking about the question. “Hmmmmm, I guess so- but you have to do two things.”

Leo sat up making eye contact with Mikey. A smirk formed on his face “I shouldn’t have expected any different. Okay tiny dude, what do you want me to do?”

“First you have to promise not to make fun of my art or break it in any way.” Mikey sounded serious getting the point across.

“I wouldn’t ever, promise” Leo stated, “what’s the second thing?” Mikey found himself relaxing; falling away from his protectiveness over his art.

Mikey smiled “You have to answer a question with full honesty, no tricks; no lies; no shit; no nothing, okay?” he flicked Leo’s nose, and Leo quickly smacked his hand away.

Leo sighed, rubbing his nose after the rude hit-and-run that had abused it. “Ask away man, I'm an open book!”

Mikey thought for a second. A question popped into his mind. He didn't want to be rude but he needed to know. “Why have you and Raph been fighting so much?” The words flowed out of his mouth like water. Calm yet at the same time quick-moving and dangerous.

Leo stopped. “I-“ he sighed, collapsing into a laying position. “I don’t know.” He said voice wobbling he covered his eyes pushing the heal of his hands into them. “I don’t know why, we’ve just been butting heads. And I get that family does that, but he just annoys me so much like he’s always trying to push me. But I’m trying my best and it’s- it’s just hard. So I fight back,” Leo sighed, “I'm just tired of being told I'm not good enough. I'm trying so hard, putting in so much effort. But whenever I have the tinniest screw up he gets on me like I almost killed everyone. And like, it's selfish, but I just want him to feel what I'm feeling. To understand how... Suffocating he can be.”

Mikey paused, thinking. He joined laying next to Leo. Raph always had an issue “trusting” his brothers. Well, it's not so much trust, just. He’s scared of losing them, he’s scared of his brothers leaving or worse, dying. He gets so fixated on the feeling of loss and fear that he tends to completely collapse in on himself and his brothers. And it can feel, it does feel, suffocating to be in the position Leo was in. “If I was Raph, I would want to hear that,” Mikey mumbled. “I just hate seeing you two at each other's throats. It’s... Scary” Mikey sighed sitting back up and looking at Leo, “You'll both make things right eventually, right?”

Leo sat up too, putting his hands on Mikey’s shoulders, “We always do Mikey, that's what brothers do” Mike smiled before tackling Leo in a hug. Leo hugged him back, “okay can we go look at your art now?”. Mikey jumped up nodding leading Leo to his room.

—-

Mikey’s room was always cluttered. But there was a big difference between messy and cluttered, sure there were colored pencils and random art materials on the floor. Different paintings and drawings on the walls, Christmas lights hung without much thought and a hammock took up a good half of the room. But Mikey loved his room. Small, but never claustrophobic. Full, but in a way where anyone can just fit perfectly in the room. It was nice, and comfortable, his special place away from the cold lair.

“Been a while since I’ve been in here” Leo said, head tilted up looking at all the different art on the walls.

Mikey looked on his bookshelves for good sketchbooks, he’s had many over the years, and only taking the best ones off the shelf he returned his attention to Leo, “that’s because, well” Mikey dropped the books on his hammock, “you’ve been dealing with drama” Mikey did jazz hands emphasizing his point.”But everything is gonna go back to normal soon! So there's no need to worry!” Mikey flopped down on the floor opening his sketchbook. Leo mumbled something and joined him. They spent time flipping through pages laughing at old art and being amazed by the improvement.

“Wait.” Leo said stopping Mikey from flipping the page, “I've seen that before,” Mikey looked down at the page where a sketch of the graffiti he did yesterday. He called it a sketchbook of remembrance, the sketch was messy but showed the proportions of the graffiti. Leo pulled out his phone and rapidly scrolled through it. “Here!” He held the phone inches away from Mikey's face, and Mikey grabbed the phone looking at it. His art stared back at him, a human man posing in front of it. Yes, his art. His art. Oh my fucking god, someone noticed his art.

Not someone like his brothers or April, no, someone completely unrelated. This was, this was fucking insane. “Oh my god.” Mikey whispered, “OH MY GOD,” Mikey jumped up, Leo looked at him with confusion “That’s my art!” Leo's eyes twisted with confusion. “I made that! I- how?” Mikey was pacing his arm waving around wildly. “I can't believe someone, no, a human! Took a picture in front of it! Oh my god!!” Leo stood up gripping Mikey's shoulders, Mikey quieted down when he saw his brother's emotions screaming through his eyes. Fear, anger, and confusion all showed. “Leo..?”

Leo made intense eye contact as his grip tightened, “What do you mean this is your art?” Leo sounded mad and serious, it sent a shiver of fear down Mikey's spine as he overcame the reaction of wanting to freeze.

“I made it?” Mikey barely managed to respond. He brushed Leo's hands off him gaining space between him and his brother.

“When? Where?” Leo moved his hands around like a lunatic, his voice raised as panic began to set in. “Why did you go to the surface alone? You've had about two solo missions, what makes you think it's safe to go out on your own?!” Leo was screaming at this point. Mikey could hear footprints rushing to his room, they were heavy and quick, great. Raph was coming.

“Leo I’m one year younger than you! I can handle going to the surface, I wasn't seen and I needed to get out of the lair.” Mikey raised his voice moving back closer to Leo.

“Mikey! Do you know how irresponsible that is?!? You have so many walls in the lair to do your hobby! You don't just leave the lair!” Leo was somehow moving closer to Mikey using his height to try and be intimidating. But Mikey wasn't backing down.

“Oh, I'm irresponsible?!” Mikey let out a sarcastic laugh, “said the person who was too drunk to handle a conversation last night.” Mikey pointed a finger in Leo’s face bringing his point across strong. “Says the person who can't handle leading. Says the person not able to speak up about his feelings to anyone else but me. Says the person WHO LITERALLY LEFT AND WENT TO THE SURFACE TO GET ALCOHOL!!” Mikey was screaming in Leo's face.

Leo was mad, his face was red and his eyes seemed to light on fire as his body moved before his brain. A punch formed in Leo’s hand, he raised it up and with all the force he could. He launched it straight toward Mikey’s face. Mikey didn't have time to react as the swift-moving punch made its way toward his face. Then, it stopped. The brothers looked between them, Raph stood there holding Leo's hand looking extremely concerned.

“What the fuck is happening in here!?!?” Raph towered over the two looking for answers.

Mikey took the lead, “Nothing Raph.” He lied, “Leo and I just had an argument,” Mikey refused to make eye contact with his red brother.

“An argument doesn't involve throwing punches, what's actually happening?” Raph let go of Leo’s hand (Leo rubbed it, a red mark on his knuckles already forming), Raph crossed his arms.

“Mikey’s been going to the surface.” Leo filled in. Scowl lacing his voice and movements. “Alone.” There was a pause in the air as all of the turtles waited for someone to fill the silence.

Raph took a deep breath as he sat down on the floor, “Sit.” He demanded, both the yellow and blue turtles took a seat, staying as far away from each other as possible.”Why Mikey?”

Mikey stumbled over his words trying to find the right ones to say. “I wanted to do art.” Mikey whispered, “It makes me happy. And I've just needed that for a while, so I thought it would be okay if I was careful.” Mikey glanced at Leo, “But some people disagree”.

Raph hummed, “And Leo?” Leo turned his head a Raph’s direction, “What about you, why did you get so angry?”

“The situation just elevated,” Leo said like it was a fact. It was but still. “I just don't think Mikey going to the surface and doing something that will totally distract him from hiding is a good idea.” Mikey inhaled deeply, and Leo took the point “I know I know. I'm not careful up there, at all. But I don't want him to make the mistakes I have Raph.” He was right there. Mikey was right there, why was Leo talking about him like he wasn't? He wasn't five he could handle difficult emotions. He wasn't the one who lost control and tried to punch someone. This was bullshit!

“Mikey,” Raph said, Mikey looked at him anger still clear on his face. “Why do you have to go to the surface? Why can't you just do it here?”

“It gets me away from the blue bitch who constantly relies on me but tries to baby me at the same time.” Mikey stood up looking down at Raph, “It gets me away from this mess of a family that even Donnie, yes our Donnie, sees is wrong. It gets me away from constant arguments between you two! Shall I continue because I can!”

“Mikey please just listen for a second,” Raph said, Mikey sunk back to the floor tears welling up in his eyes. “I get your frustration. And I-” Raph looked at Leo, “We’re sorry, but going to the surface alone in such an emotional state you are in, it's scary. Not just for you but for us. And you didn't tell anyone you were leaving, Mikey your lucky nothing went wrong!” Raph said his voice raising a little out of fear. “You’re going to be mad but, I think for this one Leo is right.”

“WHAT!” Mikey screamed jumping back to his feet.

“Look Mikey, I just. Going to the surface alone is too dangerous.” Raph looked away kind of ashamed, “If you get seen we could all get hurt. And not to mention if the art you're doing starts to gain traction we're all fucked. I know you like art Mikey, but it might be best to put it on hold. Just until things calm down- until you calm down”.

“Until I calm down?” Mikey asked, but it wasn't like a question it was more of a demand for an answer.

“Look it's just a hobby, you can do it in the lair or something. We can figure out a solution,” Leo butted in quietly, nicely- fakely. Mikey knew he was trying to make up for previous events, but Mikey still glared at Leo, his anger exploding out of him.

“Out,” Mikey said pointing to the door. His tears threatened to roll down his face. “Both of you.” He looked at Raph too.

“Mikey-” Raph started apology on his lips.

“NO! I don't fucking care! Get out!” Mikey screamed, “I can take care of myself, at least for five fucking minutes! So get out!” Tears finally rolled down his face breaking through the wall he made. “Please.” Mikey begged, “I just- I just need time alone. Please,”. He collapsed down holding his head between his hands, hugging himself into a little ball. “Please” He begged again.

He heard his brothers move. They left the room. There was silence for a little, and Mikey felt immediately alone. He always tried to isolate himself when upset, he just didn't like the idea of his family seeing him like this. He would avoid touch and conversations with his family, his favorite people! He deprived himself of his needs when upset because… fuck, did he deserve them? His family? His brothers? His best friends? He just wanted to go hug them and apologize, “please” Mikey whispered, “Don't leave me behind. I can be strong, and mature. I- just don't leave. Please.”

“Never dream of it Mikey,” Suddenly a blanket was propped over him as Donnie stood above him. “Now scooch over the skateboard finals are on.” Donnie sat down next to Mikey bringing him into a hug wrapping multiple blankets around them as he held the screen out so the two turtles could see it. Mikey relaxed into his brother, apologies still flowing out of his lips. Donnie would shut him down, insisting that he was fine and nothing bad was going to happen. After a few minutes, Mikey drifted off to sleep, emotionally exhausted.

—-------
The date was September 22, 2014, a 10-year-old Raph wrestled with a 9-year-old Leo. Donnie (also 9) worked on a new small gadget to go around his wrist. And an 8-year-old Mikey sat looking at his brothers occasionally but mainly focusing on his sketches. Mikey kept trying to get his drawing to look the way he wanted but his untrained hand had trouble with the lines.

“What you got there Mikey?” Mikey's gaze tore away from the new paper book sitting in his lap. Raph was looking over him, holding a playful Leo away with one hand. “Leo I said time out, for the love of god” Leo grumbled before loosening up, turning back into a normal living thing.

“It's this book I found on the surface yesterday, It's completely blank not even any lines.” Mikey pushed the book in his brother's face flipping through the pages showing the empty witness of each one. “I think it's for art?” Mikey questioned, hoping his older brothers would have any ideas.

“Oh, yea- I think I saw a human with one of those before?” Leo responded picking up the book and looking at the pages. “It's weird, why would you want a comic book that you have to make the comic in? It makes no sense! It’s just like Donnie with his nerd things.” Leo ran up to Donnie and gave him a nuggie, dropping the book. Mikey quickly caught it.

“Hey! Stop you’re going to mess up my wiring!” Donnie whined. Raph giggled before turning back to the book.

Raph looked at Mikey, “So why did you keep it?” Raph asked. Genuinely curious.

“I don’t know,” Mikey looked away his cheeks warming up from embarrassment, “I guess I wanted to try drawing but I'm no good at it so.”

“WHAT!’ Raph said ripping the book from Mikey's hand and flipping through the book, looking for Mikey's drawings. Mikey jumped up quickly trying to grab the book from Raph. Soon it became roughhousing as Raph would do anything to find these drawings, and Mikey would do anything to get them back and keep them out of sight.

“Raph! Please! There bad! You don't want to see them!” Mikey screamed. Raph was holding him back with his foot stretching his arms out to search the book. Mikey reached and reached but he was too small.

“Oh, I’ll be the judge of that little bro!” Raph said finally flipping to the page. Having what he wanted to avoid already happen. Mikey backed off. Raph took a minute examining the drawings before turning to his brother. “How dare you.”

Mikey looked in confusion looking at the blue and purple turtle who turned an eye at the sudden change of pace. “How dare I what Raph?” Playfulness filled his voice as the excitement of his brother messing with him set in.

“How dare you try and hide-” Raph looked back to the sketchbook before proudly showcasing it around the room, “THIS BEAUTIFUL ART FROM US!” Raph’s voice echoed in the lair. Mikey let out a small chuckle as the other two brothers sighed with relief.

“Thanks, man,” Mikey said grabbing the sketchbook back, “But you don't have to say that,” Mikey looked at the messy line drawings showing somewhat of a figure of his brothers. If you looked closely it made sense, but Mikey could see everything wrong with it. The eyes were too big- so were the heads, and the noses were way too small and the texture was completely just wrong.

“I'm not just saying that Mikey!” Raph defended, “Do you take big bro Raph as a liar? Because if so- Raph is offended.” Raph smiled taking the sketchbook and sitting down, “I mean sure it's untrained- but look around.” Mikey sat on the floor next to Raph looking around as he was told. “For starters, Donnie is constantly working on his tech,” Just as he said that Donnis had a spark come out of the tech that hit his finger he quickly shook it off as Leo started laughing. Donnie started aggressively talking to Leo but he wasn't actually mad, “Leo can't even do an ollie on his board yet,” Raph said pointing to the two broken skateboards against the wall, “And I- still practice fighting every day! And I'm only getting better!” Raph held up lightly bruised knuckles from punching his punching bag.

Mikey looked at Raph slowly taking the book back and looking at the messy pencil lines. “What I'm saying is” Raph continued, “Everything takes training and practice. So you can't expect your first big dive into drawing or whatever to be perfect. You just have to try and try and try and try and try forever! Until you’re happy with your work!”

“And what if I never am?”

“Did you have fun?” Raph asked watching Leo and Donnie playfully argue chuckling at them a few times.

“Well, yea,” Mikey paused, “Of course I had fun! It was a lot of fun! I honestly would want to do it for” Mikey paused “well for forever! But what if I'm not good enough Raph?” Mikey hugged the sketchbook to his chest.

“Bro you're crazy!” Raph said jumping to his feet, He picked up Mikey dangerously swinging him around. “You’re going to grow up to be the best artist out there! Soon everyone will hope to have art like yours! And you'll be famous and everyone will love Mikey!” Raph spun him around and Mikey laughed. The brothers then collapsed back on the ground laughing. “But seriously Mikey, if you want to do it- Raph knows you could be the better best artist in the world, you just have to try!”.

“Thanks, Raph,” Mikey smiled.

Chapter Text

The turtles ate breakfast in silence, everyone refusing to address the last days that have been dragging them down. They would only talk to one another when asking for someone to pass the syrup. It was awkward. Mikey looked at his now soggy syrup-filled pancakes, he wasn't hungry. Well, he just couldn't eat, the idea of eating was currently disgusting. So he sat there poking a fork into his now disintegrating pancakes trying to ignore his surroundings. Donnie nodded his head to music that was a little too loud, Leo reading a comic while eating slowly. And Raph chewing looking at Mikey trying to make eye contact. It didn't work.

Mikey stood up grabbing his plate as he went. “Where are you going?” Raph asked, he talked quickly, worriedly, like he was scared to even ask in the first place.

“Out. To clear my head,” Mikey responded flatly. Mikey was the heart of the team, he breathed, talked, and lived emotion. All of his words were embroidered with emotions. But whatever the reason, his voice was empty and tired.

“but where?” Raph pushed, “I just… Can you not go to the surface right now-”

“Raph.” Leo said sternly, “Just let him go. He's” Leo looked at Mikey “Old enough. Apparently,” he said the last part under his breath.

“I’m one year younger than you Leo, and I act older-” Mikey inhaled sharply cutting his sentence off. “Whatever, I don't want to have this conversation right now.” Mikey walked out of the kitchen he could hear Leo and Raph whispering to each other. Donnie could be heard entering the conversation aggressively, talking sense into his brothers.

Mikey grabbed his backpack, it was full of all different materials. But the main thing weighing it down… Spray paint. Mikey climbed up the hatch, his mind determined to get him to understand that this was a bad idea, that going out in the middle of the day to do something someone has specifically told you not to do- well he knew it wasn't the smartest idea. But Mikey wasn't trying to be smart. “You can do this Mikey,” He said opening the hatch.

He quickly put on a yellow sweatshirt, pulled up the hood, and slid on grey sweatpants. “Okay, stay calm Mikey,” He reminded himself quietly. He began to walk keeping his head down, trying to stay unnoticed. Then Mikey hit the main street. New Yorkers swarmed to different places like ants. People were everywhere all walking fastly past basically parked cars in the traffic. People crossed each other's paths but never managed to run into anyone else, even though their eyes were trained on their phones.

Mikey stopped in his tracks. Okay, this was a really bad idea. The brothers tried to never go out during the day, let alone around humans. The only one who did that slightly was Donnie- and that was only when April was having a serious issue. “Serious” meaning that it usually wasn't life or death but she still called Donnie for tech help. Mikey took in a breath, did he really want to do this? Did he really need to do this? He could just turn back and stop walking away from his home and the safety of the lair and his family- No. He was smart and strong, and he could do this. Yea, totally.

He grabbed the headphones Donnie had given him, they were nice, high-quality. Donnie even made the noise cancelation extremely good so that Mikey couldn’t hear the screaming of his brother's fights. Mikey slid the headphones on and took one last breath before looking at his feet, walking into the crowd of migrating people. He kept his head low and hands in his pockets. Letting the weight of his backpack dig into his shoulder blades. And Mikey walked, and walked, and walked. Until his feet hurt.

Why couldn't things go back to normal? Why was there so much tension in the air of his home? Mikey brothers could be so… suffocating. And yet they end up also making Mikey feel alone, scared, searching for the comfort that was once so easy to find. Mikey wished he could just go back in time. To where everything was simple and light. Where laughter filled the halls instead of screams. When his brothers would be teasing instead of arguing. How he would be happy instead of, well, his current state.

Mikey yawned lacking the sleep teenagers need. He looked up noticing he was too far in his head to even realize where he was going. But when he looked up, he understood where his autopilot body was leading him. In front of him was a gigantic brick wall overlooking the water. It was covered in old graffiti and dirt. Mikey wiped off the dirt showing the color of the old graffiti underneath. When Mikey was nine he went to the surface with his brothers for the first time. And they were playing around by the water. That’s when Mikey saw this wall for the first time. When he saw it his fingers itched with the want to create, his head spinning with ideas of what he could possibly design. The possibilities were endless!

When Mikey was 11 he snuck up to the surface and did his first graffiti on the wall. It was just a line because he was too scared to do anything else before rushing back to the lair. He tried again when he was twelve and thirteen. But he stopped for a while, being filled to the brim with crime fighting and other hobbies left him no time to return to this one.

The sun sent light down on Mikey's hand as he continued to wipe off the dirt that had piled up. He smiled as his old messy work shined back at him. God, he was so nervous being on the surface, that mixed with the fact he had tiny hands that couldn't even grip the can correctly.

“Well.” Mikey said to himself, “I think it's time for a revamp!” Mikey dropped his backpack onto the ground, and the cans rattled as they hit the floor. He took a step back looking at the canvas that stood in front of him. As he cracked his knuckles he began working.

The scent of spray paint filled his lungs, as his eyes carefully watched the paint fly out of the can. The colors of the entire wheel marked themselves on the wall. Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes into hours of Mikey devoting himself to the creation of new art.

Mikey took a few steps back looking at his art. A smile formed on his lips as he admired his work. Colors blended around as the words in the middle were clear.

You can't live with a working heart and no other working arteries.

His eyes started burning, and Mikey tried to blink the tears away. He shouldn't be crying, he should be fine. He just did all this work to clear his head so why does it still hurt?

“Fuck.” Mikey said, putting his head between his hands, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” Tears began to well up higher, Mikey bent his knees collapsing in on himself trying his hardest to hold back his emotions. To put up a front, a facade, a version of himself that everyone needed. The heart of the team. He began hushing himself rocking back and forth hoping to calm the sudden rush of emotion…

Mikey’s phone rang. He moved his head to look in the direction of it. It rang again, so Mikey slowly lifted himself off the ground towards the phone. It buzzed again. He looked through his backpack pocket searching for his phone. It chimed again allowing Mikey to feel the vibration against his hand and grab it. He powered on his phone to see...

8 missed calls. Two from Leo, two from Donnie, and four from Raph. Something was up, they never call it's always texts, shit, what happened?

Mikey quickly called Raph back as anxiety flooded through his system. He paced back and forth in front of his art hoping Raph would pick up. He heard the ringing stop as the call went through, “what's wrong?” Mikey said immediately, gathering up loose paint cans and shoving them in his bag.

“Mikey-”

“What happened, is everyone-” Mikey dropped a spray can “shit,” he cursed panic filling his words “Is everyone okay?”

“Mikey.”

“Fuck. I shouldn't have left, god am I stu-”

“MIKEY.” Mikey stopped talking pressing the phone into his ear harder. The call was silent for a second, “We're all okay, everything is fine. Take a deep breath.”

Mikey followed instructions letting the air fill his lungs before pushing it all back out. Mikey did it again before replying to Raph, “So what with the calls then?”

Raph sighed, “we just-” He paused, Mikey took another deep breath. “We need to have an emergency family meeting. Well- emergency brother meeting. We're all headed towards Run of the Mill Pizza. See you there?”

Mikey sighed, “yea yea, uh I’ll be there soon save me a seat.” He put on his best happy voice pushing optimism and world peace or whatever the fuck he was supposed to portray.

“Cool see you soon.” Raph hung up the phone quickly.

“Not even an I love you?” Mikey said out loud. He put his phone in his pocket picking up his backpack. “Sheesh, maybe we do really need an emergency brother meeting.”. Mikey began rushing towards run-of-the-mill pizza, leaving his art behind him as he ran towards his family.

Chapter Text

When Mikey got to the restaurant the sun had set, he pushed through the fake wall looking into the different tables full of interesting people. He smiled to himself, finally relaxing and flipping down his hood allowing himself to be, well, himself. He looked around for his brothers spotting them in their usual booth. He waved at his brothers before skipping over to their booth. He slid in next to Donnie, crushing him in a side hug. Donnie groaned in annoyance shoving Mikey away, his other brothers laugh and Mikey couldn't help but beam at the slight normality of the moment.

The group settled down, Mikey still invading Donnie's personal space and Leo and Raph on the other side of the table. “So…” Mikey sighed, “The meeting?” He questioned, mainly looking at Raph as he called the most meetings. The rest of his brothers made awkward eye contact as a beat of silence fell over the group. Mikey began to fidget becoming uncomfortable with the silence. His legs moved up and down unable to sit still.

“How about after we eat?” Raph mentioned finally breaking the silence. Mikey sighed out the tension still thick in the air, it made Mikey's lungs feel like they were being filled with cement. Mikey took what he could of a deep breath.

“Of course!” He smiled, putting up the facade he promised to keep up. “Did y’all order yet?” Mikey asked, He could feel Donnie relax next to him, as Leo visually relaxed as well. Weird. Mikey’s knee started to bounce harder, he pushed away from Donnie so the tech wiz didn't notice Mikey’s need to not sit still like a normal living being.

“Not yet. We were waiting for you,” Donnie said in his normal monotone voice, Donnie looked at where Mikey was now sitting compared to where he used to be. He didn't say anything, but Mikey could feel the concern radiate off him like how heat radiates off a heater. Mikey examined Donnie's face, looking for answers. But Donnie's face laid flat no emotion riding on it. Per usual.

Leo fake coughed causing Mikey to look at him, “But since you here! We can eat, finally!” Leo’s tone was light, in contrast to their last conversation where he sound angry and upset. Mikey knew he was joking around but a slip of truth came through Leo’s voice. Annoyance. Mikey pretended not to feel the jolt of sadness that ran up his spine. “Took you long enough little bro! I'm hungry let’s eat!”

Mikey smiled ignoring the sadness that wanted to creep up his eyes and flow out. What was wrong with him? Why was he even upset? He should be fine, his brothers are fine. Right now. For the most part. Mikey looked around to see Leo waving over a waiter, and Raph and Donnie teasing each other. It felt normal, so much like how it used to be before the daily fights. But deep down, Mikey knew it would fall apart and he would be stuck picking up all the pieces. Again.

“Sorry for the wait! What can I get you guys?” A waiter asked Mikey, he looked up meeting the waiter's gaze. The waiter looked at him expectantly, four eyes all looking at him. He wasn't that hungry, and food sounded like a lot to deal with. So he should just wait till after, right? No one was asking him to eat, he should wait until he was hungry. Mikey looked at his brothers allowing them to order first, and last, he guessed. He was fine. This was fine.

The waiter finished taking his brother's orders and turned back to Mikey, “And lastly, what can I get you?”

“I'll just stick with water, thanks,” Mikey said brushing off the question.

“Are you sure?” The waiter pushed.

“Yea, I ate before this!” the calm lie rolled off Mikey’s tongue with unfamiliar ease. Mikey never really lied, bent the truth sure, but he's always had a hard time telling anything but the truth. It always ended badly, but for some reason, this was an exception. The waiter nodded before walking away quickly.

“You already ate?” Raph questioned, Mikey felt a ping of fear trail up his spine. Fuck, should he go along with his lie or tell his brothers the truth? This is why he doesn't lie, it's messy.

“Mhm” Mikey felt himself mumble, “well not like right before this-” Where was he going with this sentence? “but a couple of hours ago, so I'm not really hungry.” Mikey rambled out quickly. Voice raising in awkward places.

Raph looked at Leo and Donnie again, the three making eye contact. “You’re a horrible lair, Mikey.” Leo shrugged, “I don't know why you felt the need to lie. But if your not hungry we’ll just go with it-”

“LEO!” Raph shouldered him Leo sucked in a breath of short pain.

“Ouch! Dude!” Leo raised his voice, and a few nearby tables looked at them Leo leaned back and relaxed as Raph tried to shrink himself in embarrassment, “look all I'm saying is if Mikey was lying. You know our Mikey, the one that doesn't lie, the saint. Then it's probably for some good fucking reason.” Leo sighed rubbing his arm where it was hit, “Don't have to get all pissy and hit me Raph. Geeze.”

Silence once again fell over the group. Mikey hoped the food would come soon so he could leave sooner rather than later. The brothers were never this... Awkward. Sure, awkward sibling situations are common but when one is in a situation of being mutated and having the only people like you to be your brothers- they become your best friends, not so much of an awkward roommate.

“Why can’t we just get this over with?” Donnie broke the silence this time.

“Food first,” Raph replied strictly.

“Raph you can push this off as long as you want but the situation isn't going to get better,” Donnie said like he was relaying a common fact “This isn't going to get easier, do it now or I will.” Donnie rolled his eyes, “I'm fucking tired of dancing around the elephant in the room. I may like to jiggy, but I'm not blind and can clearly see the thing that needs to be addressed.” Donnie made a gesture to the entire booth, “We all do, so please, some of us have other things to be doing.”

Leo scoffed, “Classic Donnie, putting tech over his family.” Leo crossed his arms.

Donnie looked surprised at Leo’s random outburst, but then determination crossed over his face. “Bold of you to say brother, at least I'm wasting everyone's time with useful things. Not by trying to fix a feeling of being insignificant and acting out for attention.”

Leo leaned forward towards Donnie, and Donnie stayed leaning back. “Oh I'm feeling insignificant, tell me Donnie why do you build such big machines,” Leo looked at him up and down, “What are you trying to compensate for?”

“Fuck you, Nardo.” Donnie brushed the insult off.

“Like you could.” Donnie Immediately looked disgusted, as Leo laughed in victory. Leo died down his hysterics, “But I agree with Donnie on this one Raph. Best to get it out of the way.”

Raph looked between the brothers before sighing, “Yea okay,” Raph twiddled his fingers looking down, “So Mikey,” A shaky breath entered Mikey's lungs at the sudden shift of seriousness. “We're just... Concerned for you. You’ve been distant and not using your head. From an outside perspective, it seems…” There was a long pause as Raph looked for the words.

“Like you don't value life anymore,” Donnie said bluntly. Mikey’s eyes widened. He liked living- he loved it. Sure life had its ups and downs but he would never not value it. Maybe it has been hard to look on the bright side recently but he still valued life. Right?

“Well! More like you’re exhausted, dead on your feet.” Leo corrected, giving a small death stare at Donnie who shrugged.

“I know me and Leo have not exactly been friendly… but you've taken the role of cleaning up our mistakes. God, I mean your eye bags are as big as Donnie when he gets hyper-focused on a project. When was the last time you slept? Or eaten?” Raph’s voice raised a little before slinking down into a bad posture. “We really care about you Mikey, and you. You don't look Okay.”

Mikey closed his eyes taking in a deep breath shakily, His mind raced for responses, possible ways that he could react where his family wouldn't be worried anymore. “Woah…” He settled on. “I- uh, that’s a lot.” He cleared his throat. “I've just been, busy? I guess?” Mikey groaned out in frustration “I'm the heart of the group Raph. I'm here to support everyone else, give encouragement and freshly made cookies. My empathy has always been a little much huh?” Mikey let out a sad chuckle. “I guess it's just been difficult to be the heart of a group that's not really even a team anymore.”

“We are still a team!” Leo butted in, one look at Leo, and Mikey understood. Leo was terrified, horrified even. The brothers' whole life they've only had each other. The idea of not having each other anymore was frightening and unheard of. Leo was worried that because of him, his brothers would leave him. And, Mikey was scared of that too.

Mikey sighed bringing his knees up to his chest becoming smaller, “Every night there are more and more screams, arguments, and messes that I clean up. It's gotten so bad Donnies made me noise canceling headphones” Mikey pulled them out of his bag and showed his unknowing brothers, “He did it just so maybe I could get a little bit of sleep. But I can’t. Because you guys need someone after, to let you know that you’re okay, that you’re not a burden, how you’re good the way you are. And if not me, who else?” Mikey looked up from the headphones to see the guilt on his brothers’ faces. “And, you know what… I'm okay with it, I can be lacking sleep and food as long as you guys are okay.” Tears fell down Mikey's face, this time he didn't push them down. He let them flow.

“Mikey” Leo reached over and put a hand on Mikey’s shoulder, “I can not explain how much of a problem there is with your line of thinking there.”

“Well, there’s obviously a problem with this family.” Mikey sighed wiping the tears from his eyes laying down his vulnerability for the rest to see, “I just wonder if the problem is.. well, me.”

Raph physically jumped with fear and concern for his loved one, “you're not the issue Mikey. Far from it actually.”

Mikey sniffled looking at the ceiling “wanna know what else is fucked?” Mikey made eye contact with Raph who did a small curious nod. “Sometimes I have to stop myself from calling you, dad… I see you as my caretaker. Don’t get me wrong, pops is a huge part of our lives. But he was gone for a lot of it.” Mikey breathed shakily “you really stepped up, while dad was mourning over his old life, over what could have been. You were there, for nightmares, for” Mikey let out a small chuckle “art incidents, it was too much for you to deal with as a kid”

Donnie looked at Mikey distressed, “Mikey-”

“And god- you guys are always dealing with me… How touchy I am, loud, frustrating stupid. How I'm just a bad brother.” The last word made the table silent, “You all do so much and all I have to offer is my basic empathy and love for others. Which you’d think it could be a lot but I’ve just completely run out. I care about you all so much and I can't even show it anymore. It's scary. The one thing that set me different, the one thing I could do just got flushed down the drain” Tears flowed like waterfalls down Mikey's cheeks, “I’ve been distant because if I'm around you it hurts. We’re falling apart at the seams and I can't fix it. I'm losing all of you, and it's just because I wasn't good enough.”

“Mikey! None of that is true!” Raph stood up rocking the table. “We’re the ones in the wrong,” He gestured to Leo and him, “We’ve been fighting and leaving you exhausted.”

“Yeah, no wonder you’re tired we’ve been fighting over petty things and expecting you to help fix it. That's not your job, we’ve been acting like children.” Leo raised his voice, not at Mikey but at the situation. Anger spread from fear, taking over Leo's brain.

Mikey stopped Leo “We are children.” He reminded quietly. Raph sat down defeated, Leo struggling to come up with another point, “I'm okay guys,” Mikey didn't know if that was a lie, he didn't know how he felt or how all of the previous emotions spread out of him. “I will be okay, but I need to get home.” Mikey put a hand on his head, feeling the lack of sleep run through his veins.

He got up and started shuffling out of the booth, his wrist was grabbed by a panic-ridden Donnie. He was so quiet throughout the conversation that Mikey didn't even remember he was there. “I'm not letting you go alone, I’m coming with.”

“Don, you should stay and eat something-”

“I'll make something for us at home, you deserve it.” Mikey was about to continue insisting he was okay, “Ah. No. I've made up my mind, besides you need someone to make sure you don’t pass out on the way home.” Mikey was lightly pulled by the wrist to the exit.

Mikey rolled his eyes, “You don't need to baby me, Donnie-”

Donnie stopped and looked back at Mikey, “It’s not baby-ing, It’s actually showing you the care you show all of us. So stop coming up with excuses and let's go.”

Chapter Text

Mikey constantly found himself wishing he could change himself. He liked himself, for the most part. But there were some parts of him that were so infuriating. Infuriating to the point of making him almost worthless. His brothers would disagree, that’s the funny thing about self worth no one can convince him that he is good. That he isn't some sort of plague that destroyed everything he's a part of. That he isn't the root of most problems. Mikey’s standard of himself was to a point no one else could match. He could be draining himself dry- completely killing himself over helping his team and he would still find a way to view himself as the villain.

Mikey was strong. He once threw an entire cruise ship for fucks sake. But everybody has weak points- and to Mikey himself was the weak point. Mikey stared into a mirror examining his eyebags and sick-looking skin. Everything, he could be doing everything in the world and it still wouldn't be enough for him. Donnie was outside a door making dinner for the both. Who knew a door's distance could feel so far, and make one feel so isolated? Mikey slid down to the tiled floor. God, if only he didn't have to go out there. If only he could stay here forever and not face his concerned family members. Mikey wished he was different, but whatever fucking reason he was stuck as him. Destined to be a mistake. Always upset at himself. His mind continued in this circle of thought.

“Mikey?” There was a knock at the door, Mikey couldn't feel the want to answer. His fingers felt numb- his mind focusing on the reality of his worth. “Uh, Dinner is ready.” Mikey still didn't answer, “Michelangelo?” Nothing but silence followed. There was a sigh before weight was applied to the door and slid down. “You can stay in there as long as you want but this situation isn't going to change.” Donnie was outside talking to him, Mikey could hear it but he just didn't care. “I- I get it y’know. The want to hide away hoping a situation will heal itself. I’ve never understood people, I understand tech- And when I do something wrong with people I can't just fix it the way you can with tech. I have to push myself every time someone’s upset because of me. And it sucks. I wish I could just hide away too- but that's the thing. We can't.” He sighed resting his head on the door. “Maybe that’s life, spending half of it wishing we could start over. Like Dad,” Mikey’s mind drew images of his dad- sitting in front of the tv looking half dead, his reasons for living dripping out of him like a leaky faucet. Something in Mikey pinged as he start to understand.

Mikey chuckled, leaning on the door opposite side from Donnie. “Woah. who knew Donnie could make so much sense with expressing feelings.” Mikey banged his head lightly back on the door. “I think I'm scared,” Mikey muttered looking up at the ceiling he was expecting a reaction but when he didn't get one he continued. “This family is everything to me and it's scary to think we could fall apart. Ha… y’know a couple of months ago I would have thought that sentence was delusional.” Donnie hummed, quietly agreeing he too would think that. “I'm just fucking terrified… and in that fear, I put myself into it- tried to fix what I couldn't.”

“You can’t fix the others or their actions- believe me, I tried and in the end, it never works- feel good enough to eat?” Donnie asked, creaking from the door showing that Donnie was standing up. Mikey swore the sudden change in conversation gave him whiplash

“Maybe…” Donnie opened the door Mikey stayed sitting. “Do you-” Mikey shouldn't say that, it wasn't really something he should ask. Mikey looked up seeing Donnie's confused look. Great, he wouldn't stop until Mikey asked the question. So he might as well, the words formed in his throat as he struggled to croak them out “Do you think im worth it.” When Donnie cocked his head Mikey elaborated. “Like all this… drama. People caring about me, am I- do I deserve any of” he gestured around, “this.” Mikey sighed.

“Maybe,” Donnie said flatly. Ow, Mikey wasn't looking for reassurance necessarily but it still hurt to hear it. “You've not exactly been lucky with the cards you've been dealt Angelo.” okay Mikey had no clue where this was going. “You try to be a family therapist while not understanding that you can be a good therapist if you can't even take care of yourself,” Donnie chuckled before pulling Mikey up off of the tiles. “Do I think you deserve all of the good things you get… 100%. But the bad things, the current situations you have been put up against have been well not exactly deserved.” Donnie started walking to the kitchen Mikey followed behind.

“Thanks, Don, but I don't get it.”

“Get what?”

“The fact that people have been through so much worse than me and I'm so upset over little bumps in the road.”

Donnie was silently heating up the pan to reheat the grilled cheeses he made earlier. “You have trauma, Mikey,” Donnie stated like it was a well-established fact. It wasn't. Donnie saw the want to argue on Mikey's face he held up a finger, “Let me finish. Trauma is something as small as an off comment one time or being beaten to a pulp. The reality of trauma is that it has an effect on everyone like it or not. I have trauma from my tech going wrong, having battle shell malfunctions when I need it most, enter another event here. We all have trauma, especially four teens who are considered monsters by the majority of the world and constantly have bruises from fighting other mutants.” Donnie flipped the grilled cheese onto a plate casually like he hadn't just said the most unknown thing to Mikey. “Look your trauma is different because you think everything stems from you being the problem. You get so zoned in on how others are feeling and how you didn't fix that, what, immediately that you get so down on yourself.”

“I-” Mikey didn't even have a counter-argument for that.

“I will tell you one thing tho Mikey,” Donnie took a bite of his grilled cheese and swallowed before continuing talking. “You treat everything you do like your drawing with permanent ink, and in a way you are. But that never stopped you before. You still spray paint without planning as if you could just go back and change everything.” Donnie poked at his grilled cheese a common action for him, “But the nice thing about permanent marker is that you can go back a shift some of the lines. You can broaden them change them, etc. the original line- the mistake is still there but you” Donnie pointed at Mikey, “you have the power to fix it. But you can't fix it with a broken hand.”

Mikey stared emptily taking all this information, “so weird analogy aside, you need to take care of yourself before you “fix” others” Donnie held up his fingers for parathesis, “you can't jog with a broken leg, you can't draw with a broken hand, and you sure as hell can't be a therapist when you yourself need one.”

It was silent when Donnie finished, Mikey accepted that his family had… issues. He guess he just didn't realize he had them too. “Yea…. that makes sense.” Mikey studdered out. “I think?”

“You don’t need to accept it now just. Eventually.” Donnie stood up from his seat bringing his plate over to the sink. “Just take your time okay.”

“Okay.”

“That's our Mikey” Donnie smiled leaving to go to his lab.
—----

It had been a couple of hours. Mikey was falling asleep on the couch when his sudden brothers’ entries made him jump up from the couch. Raph and Leo were talking- no essence of anger in their voices. It came as a surprise to Mikey but not an unwelcome one. Raph and Leo came into the room spotting a half-asleep Mikey on the couch.

“Awww he looks so stable when he's sleepy.” Leo cooed.

“Says you. You haven't been stable since when? Birth?” Raph bounced back no hidden meaning in his voice.

“HEY!” Leo shouted. Mikey wanted to flinch but then Leo chuckled showing no actual anger behind the yelling, “you know we don't talk about my inferiority complex!!”

Raph waved his hand in front of Mikey, “Hey Mikster anyone home?” When Mikey leaned back and rubbed his eyes Raph continued. “Great! We kinda need to talk.”

“Right now…” Mikey whined.

“It won't be long” Raph ensured sitting behind Mikey as Leo pulled out a napkin and handed it to Mikey. It was a badly drawn stick figure drawing of the brothers all holding hands. On the top there were words scribbled on messily “open :)”. Mikey opened the napkin to a letter-

Brother dearest,

Sorry for writing that uh, this is from Leo and Raph. we don't know what to say when we talk to you in person so Raph suggested that we write it out. I decided to actually write it so it could be legible lol.

We’re sorry Mikey. It might sound stupid but we didn't think our actions were affecting other people. Raph was caught up in rage and protectiveness of you all. And I, well, I was caught up in feeling insecure and defensive. That caused a big mix of emotions that ended up hurting a lot more people than if we just had a session with Doctor Feelings. It’s scary, really. I mean what isn't? But we hurt you and in our own self-destruction, we failed to notice we were polluting other people. Raph and I, we aren't- we don't hate each other. In fact, this all happened because we're dependent on each other. And maybe a little too dependent on you. We're sorry for the long nights and the louder screams.

SORRY LEO IS LOUD

WE SAID I WAS WRITING IT.

WELL, I WANT MIKEY TO KNOW RAPH HAS BEEN INVOLVED

OMG. JUST LET ME—--

Love, Leo, and Raph.

Mikey looked up at Leo who sighed, “sorry the end is messy- SOMEONE wanted to write something besides the outside.”

“HEY! It was important to have Raph actually write something instead of just doing the plant stuff.” Raph argued back, their voices got a little louder but instead of holding back tears, Mikey was holding back laughter.

“Anyway,” Leo flawlessly transitioned, “I think it's a Pillow Huddle everyone.”

“OH YES!” Raph agreed happily,

“Raph go get Donnie, Mikey help me with the pillows we have to make the best fort ever.” Determination crossed Leo’s face as he began ripping the couch cushions from under Mikey.

“HEY!” Mikey yelled.

Leo looked dead into Mikey’s eyes “HEY! GO GET THE STUFF FROM YOUR ROOM WE HAVE THINGS TO DO!” Leo shook Mikey's shoulders, erupting a once-forgotten sound of Mikey's laughter from Mikey himself.

The first thing Mikey did when he went to his room was place the napkin gently on his nightstand. He smiled, who knew if he was finally okay? Mikey didn't that's for sure. but he did understand one thing. How even if things went wrong again he would be okay because he finally had his support system back. He had his family. And that- that was enough.