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Eddie thought Buck was canceling on them. The clock hits 5:55 and he hasn’t heard from Buck. He was supposed to get here around 6, sure, but Buck has never, ever , not been early for a family dinner. Ever . He usually texts Eddie when he’s heading over, but there’s been nothing. Not a text, not a call, not the familiar sound of the jeep pulling into Eddie’s driveway and Buck’s warm voice calling out as he lets himself in.
“He’s coming, isn’t he?” Chris asks when the hour hand crosses 6:00. Eddie draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
“Yeah,” he answers, “of course he is.” But as another minute ticks by, a sinking feeling grows in Eddie’s chest. Maybe he’s flaking on them. Or maybe something much, much worse is wrong. Eddie can’t shake the feeling it’s the latter. Buck’s been… off, lately. Distant. He’s barely been talking to Eddie, avoiding him. He’s been lost in his own head most of the time, unreachable despite Eddie’s continuous attempts to break through. And that- that’s never quite happened. Buck gets lost in himself sometimes, sure. But he’s never… he’s never been somewhere Eddie couldn't reach him. He’s never shut himself off so much that Eddie couldn’t find a crack to slip through, a door reserved only for Eddie that’s never been locked. Now he can’t even find the handle to try.
He tried asking the rest of the 118 once he realized that Buck, for the first time, was unreadable to Eddie. He doesn’t know what to do with it. Buck has been the one thing in his life that’s always just… made sense. That Eddie didn’t have to fight- to struggle- for. Buck just is and Eddie… gets it. He has no real way to explain it. It’s like that quote from English class, who knows how many years ago now, the one that Eddie could never shake.
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same .
Eddie used to think that was bullshit. Romantic gibberish, catered towards moony eyed fools who bought into the idea that love was meant to be easy and pure. Eddie never thought that. He thought love was a struggle, making something work even when everything seemed to prove it didn’t. He thought he loved Shannon. He thought he might love Ana. And maybe- maybe he did, in his own way. But not in the way he loves Buck.
Because he met Buck and suddenly all the love songs made sense. All the sappy quotes, the ridiculous movies, the gooey books, the romantic things he called bullshit and made his sisters call him a cynic, suddenly they all seemed like the sanest thing in the world to him.
Loving Buck has been easy from the start. From the moment he met Buck and saw not an attack dog, but one that lashed out from a place of pain, he understood Buck. It took him a day to get through to Buck’s warm center, and he hasn’t left since. He holds that warmth close to his chest, tucks it behind his heart. Buck’s love isn’t hard to get. It’s hard to earn. He gives himself over so easily- too easily-, as if it means nothing. The challenge is proving to Buck that he deserves love back. Eddie thinks he’s shown him that- at least he hopes he has, in some way.
Though, given the past few weeks, maybe he hasn’t done as good a job of it as he’s hoped.
He tried asking Hen if she knew what was wrong. She’d just taken a heavy breath, looked over to where Buck sat alone, and shaken her head. “He’s dealing with something. He’ll come to you when he’s ready, he always does.” Eddie just bit the inside of his cheek, watched Buck, and prayed she was right.
So far, she hasn’t been. But their last shift, Buck finally- finally - agreed to come over, and Eddie’s hopes soared. If anything can get through to him, it’s a night with Chris. That’s been strange, too- usually, Buck leaps at any chance to spend some time with the kid, but lately any mention of him has cast a shadow over the man’s face. Briefly, he worried they had gotten into an argument.
But when Chris looked at him with wide, alarmed eyes and said, “No! Is he- is he mad at me? I don’t think anything’s wrong, but maybe-”
“No, no,” Eddie said gently. “Buck’s just… going through something, right now. He’s alright. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t think he hasn’t been around because of you.”
Chris had frowned and said, “You’ll help him, right? With- with whatever’s wrong. He should talk about it.”
“Yeah, kiddo,” Eddie managed, trying not to sound like he was on the verge of tears, “I’m doing my best.” He wants to believe he wasn’t lying.
But now it's 6:07 and Buck isn’t here and there’s a voice in Eddie’s head that’s telling him he’s failed.
And then the phone rings. If Eddie’s heart leaps in his chest, that’s between him and God. Chris watches him as he pulls out the device. His stomach drops. He can hear his pulse in his own head. Maddie’s name flashes across the screen.
Shaking now, he answers. Something is wrong . “Maddie?” A stifled sob answers him. “Maddie what’s wrong?”
“It’s- i-it’s- God, it’s Evan.” Eddie’s world shatters. Maddie keeps talking, tears heavy in her voice and her words stuttered. He can barely understand a thing she says. Everything is muted, white noise surrounding him until he can force himself to ask,
“Where is he?”
“Ten minutes away,” she sniffles. “I can tell you what hospital they’re taking him to, I’ll meet you there.”
“No,” Eddie chokes out. Tears burn behind his eyes but he won’t let them fall, not now. Not while Buck needs him, he can’t fall apart. “Tell me where he is right now.”
“Eddie-”
“ Now , Maddie.” It takes every ounce of self control he has to stay seated next to Chris instead of running from the house.
“Yeah.” She sniffs, pulling herself together. “Yeah, I’ll text you the location. Don’t- Eddie, don’t bring Chris.”
“Maddie, I…”
“I know,” she cuts in. “Just- just get to him, okay?”
“I will.” He waits a beat. “Thank you.”
“I’ll meet you at the hospital. I can send Chim to your place to take care of Chris if you need.”
“Yeah, yeah that would be- yeah, please do. I’ll call Carla.” They hang up without saying goodbye and Eddie slowly lowers the phone, his hands shaking and every breath scraping the inside of his chest like razor blades.
“Dad?” Chris’s quiet, scared question snaps him out of it. “What happened?”
“Buck-” it comes out choked and he tries again, “Bud, Buck had an accident. I have to- I have to go to him, but Chim is going to be here really soon and I’m gonna call Carla-”
“Go,” Chris says, nodding. “You have to go.”
The tears burn again, threatening to spill over. Eddie pulls Chris to him in a crushing embrace, pressing his lips into the top of his head, into the curls that remind him more and more of Buck’s as Chris gets older. He can feel the sob cresting in his chest, but he shoves it down. He can’t break. Not yet.
“I love you, kid.”
“I love you too dad,” Chris answers, his voice muffled against Eddie’s shirt. He shoves at his chest. “Now go .”
Eddie sniffs, forces himself to take a deep breath, and pulls away, holding Chris’s face between his hands and just looking for a moment longer. Then Chris pushes at him again and Eddie nods, standing up and all but bolting from the house.
He calls Carla the second he’s in the truck, praying she answers as he speeds down the street, the location Maddie texted him already entered into his navigation. He’s eleven minutes away.
Carla answers after several rings, Eddie’s anxiety growing with every second.
“Hey honey, everything alright?”
“No,” Eddie replies. The word rips itself from him, scratching his throat and bringing a fragment of a sob with it. “No, I need- I’m so sorry Carla, Buck- there was an accident- I need-”
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes, you just worry about your boy, okay? I’ll take care of Chris and everything else, it’s going to be alright.”
“Thank you,” Eddie bites out, gripping the wheel with white knuckles as he breaks several laws in his blind race to reach Buck.
“Just be there for him.”
“I will,” Eddie swears. The call ends and Eddie is left in a deafening silence. The only sound is the hum of his car as he speeds through the darkening streets. It’s getting dark earlier now, and it’s not even 6:30 but the sun has sunk out of sight and Eddie barely remembered to flick on his headlights as dusk settles over LA.
With each second, Eddie feels the anxiety in his chest coiling tighter and tighter, cutting off his breath and constricting his heart. He can feel his pulse in his fingertips, hear it pounding in his head. It’s like a single message, echoing through his entire body. Get to Buck .
He makes the eleven minute drive in seven. He sees the lights before anything else, the flashing red and white of a firetruck and accompanying ambulance. His heart pounds and feels like it may leap out of his chest as he slams on the brakes and jumps out of the truck, slamming the door shut and running towards the scene.
Buck’s jeep is wrecked, the driver’s side caved in. Another car, a truck similar to Eddie’s, is slammed into it, the front crumpled like a tin can. High speed collision. Eddie snaps into analyzing the scene. They must have had to pull Buck out of the passenger side or roof, there’s no way to access the driver’s side. The only damage to the truck is the front. Heart in his throat, Eddie scans the scene for Buck.
He almost misses him. He doesn’t- he doesn’t look like Buck. He looks like a broken, bloody fragment of a person. He looks… he looks dead . For a heart-stopping moment, Eddie thinks he is. He thinks he’s too late, Buck’s dead. He’s gone and Eddie is never going to see him again. He’s never going to look into those blue eyes, never going to hear his laugh, never going to feel the brush of his skin again. He’s gone . Silence rings in Eddie’s ears, tears sting his eyes, nausea threatens to overwhelm him.
Then he sees the medics, crowding around Buck. Someone shouts that they have a pulse. An oxygen mask is strapped to his face. They begin to wheel him towards the ambulance. Eddie’s world slams back into focus. He starts to run forward, but a body moves in front of him, arms out to catch him.
“Sir, I need you to stay back and let my people do their job,” a voice says. Eddie barely registers it, shoving at the firefighter and moving forwards again. Another person comes over, each of them in his way. The world is spinning, a blur aside from Buck.
“That’s my partner!” he shouts, his voice cracking. His voice sounds distant to himself. Everything is numb, all he can feel is a clawing panic tearing at his heart. “That’s- he’s- get out of my fucking way!”
“Sir, we cannot let you through, this is a-”
“Diaz?” A third voice cuts through Eddie’s hysteria. It’s familiar, he doesn’t know why. The man walks up between the two bodies blocking Eddie’s path, cutting Buck out of sight. Eddie’s heart squeezes.
“Yeah,” he chokes out.He forces himself to stop, to take a deep breath. “That’s- I’m firefighter Eddie Diaz, and that’s my partner Evan Buckley you’re loading into the ambulance. I need- I need to ride with him.”
The man, Hernandez according to his turncoat, winces. Firefighter from C shift. This is the 118. “Eddie, you know that’s not protocol-”
“I don’t give a damn about fucking protocal !” Eddie snarls, stepping forward. “I will call Bobby Nash right now if that’s what you fucking want, but otherwise get the fuck out of my way, Hernandez.”
Hernandez sighs heavily, then nods to his coworkers. “Let him go through.” Eddie clenches his jaw, nods at Hernandez, and forces himself to walk, not run, as he pushes past them, making a beeline for the ambulance. Hernandez follows him, telling various people it’s alright, he can ride along. Eddie’s barely aware of it, his focus narrowing to a single point, to Buck, now being lifted into the back of the ambulance. He doesn’t say a word to anyone as he climbs in alongside him, the medics already shifting to make room.
Eddie starts shaking the moment he sits down. Buck’s lying before him, blood covering his face from a long gash along his forehead. His shirt, a pale blue, is soaked through. His hand is streaked with red. Various parts of his body look broken, the rising of his chest shallow- too shallow- as he struggles to breathe. The monitors beep at alarming rhythms, but Eddie tunes it all out.
Shakily, he reaches his hand out. His fingers curl around Buck’s. Squeeze my hand , Eddie thinks. Please . Buck’s fingers stay limp in his. He pulls Buck’s hand off the cot, clasping it between his own and lowering his lips to Buck’s knuckles. Blood smears on his skin, but Eddie can’t bring himself to care. The tears burn Eddie’s eyes and now, looking at Buck broken and bloody before him, he can’t stop them.
He chokes down his sobs, but the tears flow hot and uncontrollable down his cheeks, dripping onto Buck’s skin and mingling with the crimson of his blood. He stays like that the entire ride, staring at Buck’s bloody and bruised face, his hands holding Buck’s tightly. Grief swells in his chest, so heavy he thinks it might actually kill him. His mind is a constant mantra of he’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive .
He ignores the voice in the back of his head that whispers, for how long?
-
He has to let Buck go when they get to the hospital, let them wheel him away, staring after him until he’s behind doors and out of his reach. Then his gaze drifts down to his hands. They’re red, covered in Buck’s blood. His shirt, too, though he doesn’t know how that happened. His fingers shake, his entire body trembling. His knees are on the verge of buckling. He starts to collapse right there in the entrance to the hospital, but strong arms catch him before he can crash to the floor, holding him tightly.
“Not here,” Bobby’s voice whispers in his ear. “Not here, Eddie, c’mon.” Eddie lets Bobby direct him, stumbling, further into the hospital, into a waiting room just down the hall. Bobby eases Eddie into a chair, settling down next to him. Eddie clasps his hands together, pressing his forehead into his knuckles. Bobby’s hand stays on his back, heavy and reassuring and warm. Eddie feels sick.
“He looked dead,” Eddie chokes out after who knows how long, tears stinging once more. He doesn’t even try to stop them this time, letting them fall. “He looked- I thought he was-”
“He’s not,” Bobby says firmly. “He’s being taken care of, Eddie, he’s going to be okay-”
“Don’t.” The word comes out sharp and bitten, bitter on Eddie’s tongue. His hysteria rises again, a sob trying to tear its way out of his chest. “Don’t, you can’t- don’t make that promise.”
“Okay,” Bobby concedes gently. “They’re going to do the best they can, Eddie.” Eddie just shakes his head, pulling his fists away and then slamming them back into his forehead. He does it a few more times, aching to feel something- anything - other than this hollow grief that expands in his chest, choking him. Bobby grabs his wrist, stopping him, and Eddie finally, finally turns to look at the other man.
“I can’t lose him, Bobby,” it comes out tiny, weak. Afraid. “I can’t- I don’t know what-”
“I know,” Bobby whispers, squeezing Eddie’s wrist. “I know .”
The sob escapes him finally, the cresting wave breaking. “I never got to tell him. I never told him, how did I never- god, Bobby, he can’t die not knowing-”
“He knows,” Bobby promises, pulling Eddie towards him. Eddie collapses into him, sobbing into his shirt. “He knows.”
-
It’s a few hours until they get an update. Maddie, Chim, Hen, Karen, and Athena are all in the waiting room now, scattered among the seats. Carla is with Chris back at Eddie’s house. Eddie hasn’t moved an inch in the three and a half hours, staring ahead blankly. He finally cried himself out, for now. The past three hours have been spent seated next to Bobby, staring blankly at the white tiles. Bobby hasn’t left his side, his hand a constant presence on Eddie’s shoulder. Maddie sat on his other side, Chim next to her. Eddie’s barely aware of any of it.
He doesn’t notice the doctor walking in until Bobby squeezes his shoulder. He looks up as the man approaches them. He’s older, hair graying at the temples and lines carved in his forehead. He has a clipboard in one hand and the sight sends a pang through Eddie’s chest, an image of Buck grinning at him with a clipboard in his hands flashing across his mind.
“I’m Doctor Hersen. Which of you is…” he glances at the chart in his hand, “Edmundo Diaz?”
“Ed-” his voice comes out rough, and he clears his throat before trying again, “Eddie.”
“You’re aware that you are Mr. Buckley’s emergency contact, Mr. Diaz?”
Eddie shoots a glance at Maddie before nodding. She gives him a small smile. They’d all talked about it; him, Maddie, and Buck. They’d agreed it made the most sense this way.
The doctor nods and makes a note. “And the rest of you are…?”
“We’re family,” Hen answers for them all. Hersen raises an eyebrow. “All of you?”
“I’m his sister,” Maddie says, her voice soft. “This is- they’re our family. I’m the only blood relation.”
“If I could see you and Mr. Diaz privately, I have an update on Mr. Buckley’s condition.”
From the corner of his eye, Eddie sees Chim squeeze Maddie’s hand. Maddie catches his gaze and nods slightly. Eddie turns to the doctor.
“Anything you have to say can be said in front of them.”
He nods, clearing his throat. “Mr. Buckley suffered a rather severe TBI, damage to several internal organs which resulted in significant internal bleeding, fractures of his right radius and left fibula, a dislocated shoulder, and major bruising and various lacerations.” Maddie sucks in a sharp breath and Bobby’s grip tightens on Eddie’s shoulder. “He hasn’t regained consciousness and-” the doctor takes a deep breath- “I cannot assure you that he will.”
Maddie lets out a stifled sob and Eddie’s heart stops. Buck might not wake up. He’s alive. He’s breathing. His heart is still beating. But he- he might not wake up. The doctor is still talking and Eddie has to force himself to tune back in,
“He’s breathing on his own and the coma may be temporary while his body attempts to heal, but I cannot make any promises. We won’t know more for a few days while we monitor his progress. The blunt force trauma to his head could have caused more damage than we’re currently aware of. We’ll be keeping him in the ICU for the foreseeable future. I am… I’m very sorry to you all, I wish I had better news for you. All I can tell you is that it’s somewhat promising that he is breathing on his own and the coma is not medically induced. We simply have to wait for now.”
Eddie can’t even think of responding. He stares silently at the floor in front of him, hands clasped together. He feels… empty. Hollow. There’s no racing thoughts, no panic, no disbelief, no praying. Just a slow, creeping horror that spreads through his veins.
“Thank you, doctor,” Bobby says, squeezing Eddie’s shoulder again. “We appreciate all you’ve done.” The doctor nods and begins to leave, almost out of the room when Eddie speaks.
“Can I see him?”
He glances up right as the man winces. “Mr. Diaz, I cannot recommend-”
“ Can I see him? ”
“If you want to, yes. But he-”
“Take me to him.” The doctor’s gaze flicks to Bobby, then Maddie. Neither say a word. He sighs, then nods.
“Follow me.” Eddie’s breath is shaky as he stands, Bobby’s hand falling away. He can’t look at anyone, he knows his resolve will shatter in an instant. He has to do this. Hersen begins speaking as soon as they’re out of earshot, “Mr. Diaz, I understand your desire to see hime, but I have to warn you. He doesn’t- he probably doesn’t look how you remember him, he suffered many superficial wounds.”
“I was in the ambulance. With him. He- it can’t have gotten worse,” Eddie replies, his voice gruff as he holds back his tears.
“And he is your…?”
“He’s my partner.” Eddie doesn’t explain further, and Hersen doesn’t ask. They walk silently until the doctor stops in front of a door, turning to face Eddie.
“Before you go in, do you have any further questions for me?”
Eddie hesitates, tongue darting out to wet his lips. He clenches his hands into fists, nails digging into his palms, and then relaxes them. “Will he- do you think he’ll hear me?”
Doctor Hersen just looks at him sadly. “I’m not sure. I wish I had a more definitive answer for you. I usually like to believe they can.”
Eddie nods jerkily. “Thank you.” Then he sets his hand on the handle and opens the door, stepping inside.
His breath catches in his throat. Buck’s body is covered, a blanket pulled up and tucked under his arms and over his chest. He’s wearing a hospital gown and the top of his head is wrapped in gauze. Curls, stained with dry blood, fall messily over the top of the bandage. Eddie’s always loved his curls, how they get when there’s no product in them. He doesn’t love them now, rust colored and matted. Buck’s face is mottled with bruises, misshapen and discolored. His right eye has turned a deep purple, his busted lip and angry red. A blue mark decorated his left cheekbone, a cut across the bridge of his nose.
Eddie stands frozen for several moments, just staring at this broken and bruised version of his best friend. It doesn’t feel real. It feels like any moment, Buck’s eyes will open and he’ll complain about being in the hospital, and he’ll throw off the covers, and stumble into Eddie’s arms.
But he doesn’t. The only movement he makes is the slow rise and fall of his chest. Slowly, Eddie steps forward. There’s a chair on his left side, his right crowded with various machines. Eddie sinks into it gingerly, his breaths stuttered. Tears spill over, but he barely notices.
“Hey Buck,” he croaks out after who knows how long. A part of him hopes that at the sound of his voice, Buck will move. His fingers will twitch, his mouth will quirk, something. Nothing. Eddie carefully reaches out, taking Buck’s hand in his own just as he had in the ambulance. He just lowers his head, pressing his forehead to their joined fingers. He doesn’t know how long he stays like that before he speaks again.
“I prayed today.” He had, sitting beside Bobby after finally having cried himself dry. He’d sat there with clasped hands and tears drying on his cheeks and murmured every single prayer he could remember, anything he could drag up from the depths of his mind. “I haven’t prayed in… God, I don’t know how long, Buck. I don’t even think there is a God, really. But I will pray to any god that might ever have existed, that may ever have heard a plea from man and answered it, I will pray. I will pray to a God that has never offered me anything, and I will offer everything I have. Anything, for you to come back to me.”
He lifts his head, looking at Buck’s face, wishing he could see the blue of his eyes. “I need you to come back, Buck. I need you to wake up, and I need you to come back . I don’t- God, fuck , I have no idea how I’m supposed to do this without you. How I’m- how I’m supposed to keep going, to do our job, to raise Chris . I just-” he cuts himself off with a sob. “I need you to come back, I need the chance to tell you.”
Eddie whispers to Buck, but also to any god that may hear him and take pity when he begs, “Please come back to me.” The prayer falls on deaf ears as he drops his head and resigns himself to the tears that refuse to stop coming.
He must stay like that a long time before Maddie’s soft voice comes from the doorway, “Can I come in?”
Eddie jerks his head up, sniffing and quickly swiping at his wet cheeks. “Yeah,” he says, his voice rough and cracked, “yeah, of course. He’s, uh, he’s your brother.”
Maddie smiles at him gently, knowingly, tilting her head. She slowly walks into the room, approaching the bed. Eddie starts to move, still holding Buck’s hand. It trips him up, causing him to hesitate. He doesn’t want to let go. Maddie comes up behind him and sets a hand on his shoulder.
“Stay,” she says.
“I can-”
“ Stay ,” she repeats. “Please. I don’t even- I don’t know what I’d even say, honestly.” She glances down at Eddie. “Do you think he can hear us?”
Eddie thinks for a solid minute, rubbing the pad of his thumb over Buck’s split and bruised knuckles, watching his face carefully. “I want to say yes,” he sighs finally. “But… no. I don’t- I don’t think so.”
“I don’t know…” Maddie takes a deep, shuddered breath. “I don’t know if I can talk to him while he can’t hear me. I can’t- I spent so long feeling like I was just talking to ghosts, Evan was the only person who always actually heard me.”
“I know what you mean,” Eddie murmurs.
“Eddie, could we- I- I have to talk to you, but I don’t- I don’t think I can do this in front of him, can we step outside? Just for a moment, I promise, but…”
Anxiety twists in Eddie’s chest, but he swallows hard and nods, squeezing Buck's hand once and then releasing him and standing up. He follows Maddie out into the hall, his concern only growing when he sees her hands twisting together, her eyes wet with tears. She worries her bottom lip between her teeth, gaze avoiding his.
“What is it, Maddie?” he finally asks, gently, after several moments of tense silence.
“He- Evan- he, uh, he called 911.” Eddie’s heart jumps into his throat, but he says nothing. “H-he- so, Noah answered the phone, but Evan asked for- for me. S- Noah didn’t know who it was, so I answered it and… he sounded like he was dying, Eddie. He was-” she shudders. “He was choking on his own blood, I could- I could hear it. But- he was- he was begging me, begging me to- to call you . T-to tell you a-and Chris, to tell you both that he-”
“Don’t,” Eddie cuts her off, his voice raw and broken. Tears are flowing down his cheeks again and he can barely choke the words out. “Please, please don’t.”
“Eddie, please ,” Maddie begs, nearly sobbing. Eddie wants to reach out- to hold her, to comfort her- but he knows that won’t help either of them. “H-he used every breath he could, Eddie, begging me to tell you. He just- I swore to him, please let me do this.” Eddie just nods jerkily. He can do this. He has to do this.
Maddie takes a deep breath and forces herself to continue, “I was asking him where he was, pleading with him to tell me- to let me help. But he just- he kept saying sorry . Over and over, to- to you, to Chris. He was just- he was begging you to forgive him, and begging me to make sure you knew-” she claps a hand over her mouth, stifling a sob. Eddie does move forward, now, wrapping his arms around her tightly and cradling the back of her head with one hand.
He shushes her gently, even as the tears flow silently down his cheeks. Maddie sobs into his chest, babbling through her tears. “He almost didn’t make it, Eddie. I almost had to hear him die on the phone with me, crying for forgiveness and begging- begging me to reach you, God, Eddie, I thought- I thought he was gone when he stopped talking. Th-the last thing I might ever hear him say is that he thought he’d have been a good father, what am I supposed to do with that, Eddie?”
“He’s going to wake up,” Eddie whispers through clenched teeth. “He’s going to, he’s going to come back to us, Maddie.”
“You don’t- you can’t know that.”
“I do ,” he argues. “I do know that, Maddie. If there is one thing I know in this fucking world, it’s that he is going to use everything he has to fight his way back to us.”
Maddie sniffs. “I hope you’re right,” she whispers. She pulls away gingerly, sniffling and wiping away her tears, even as more pool in her eyes. “Can I- I don’t want to overstep but could I talk to Chris? I just- I feel like I need to-”
“Yes, Maddie. Of course you can, just-”
“I’ll be gentler,” Maddie laughs tearily. “Sorry.”
Eddie pulls her back to him, propping his chin on the top of her head. “We’re going to survive this. All of us.”
Maddie’s breath rattles as she inhales. “I hope you’re right.”
-
Twenty four hours go by and there’s no change to Buck’s condition. Eddie’s barely left his side. Carla has been staying full time with Chris. Eddie’s only gone home once, when Maddie kicked him out of the hospital under strict orders to shower and change his clothes. Chris had begged to see Buck when Eddie saw him, but Eddie can’t bring himself to concede. He doesn’t want his son seeing Buck this way, broken and unreachable. He doesn’t want the last memory Chris has of his surrogate father to be one where he’s not actually there.
He’s talked to Buck a few more times. Once, he swears he saw Buck’s eyes move behind his eyelids. He’d shouted for Maddie, for the doctors, desperate for good news. Hersen had looked at him sadly and told him that there were no physiological changes.
“No news is good news, right?” Maddie had murmured, though fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. Eddie sunk back into the seat, dropping his head into his own hands.
“Whoever came up with that has never gone through this before.”
-
A week passes in what feels like the blink of an eye. The doctors have begun telling them to say “if” when referring to Buck waking up. They’ve started to prepare them for the possibility that even if he does wake up, the damage to his brain may have affected his memory and mobility. With each day that passes, the sinking feeling in Eddie’s chest grows deeper and deeper, leaving him hollowed out. Carla has stayed the entire time with Chris. The rest of the 118 had to go into one shift, but Eddie was given leave indefinitely. Eddie can count on one hand how many times he’s left the hospital. The amount of times he’s left Buck’s room isn’t much more.
Maddie’s been by his side for most of it, though they’ve both taken time to themselves to talk to him. Maddie still doesn’t think he hears them. Eddie’s changed his mind nearly every time he’s talked to Buck. Sometimes he just… feels him. He can’t describe it. But it’s different, less like he’s speaking to an empty shell. He hasn’t decided which way hurts worse.
It’s exactly a week after the accident when Eddie asks Maddie. They’re sitting in Buck’s room together, side by side in the chairs, Eddie holding Buck’s hand and Maddie’s folded together in her lap. They’ve spent a lot of time like this, just side by side in silence. Then Eddie breaks it.
“I want to hear the call.”
Maddie starts, staring at him. “Y-you what?”
“The call,” Eddie repeats, his voice firm. “I- I want to hear the call.”
“Eddie, I don’t think-”
“Please. I need- I need to hear it.”
Maddie takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll get Josh to send it to you.” She stands up, sets a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, and squeezes lightly before walking away, already pulling out her phone. She pauses before she exits the room. “It’s- it’s rough, Eddie.”
Eddie swallows hard. “I know.”
And then she’s gone, the door swinging shut behind her. Eddie breathes in slowly. He lowers his lips to Buck’s knuckles, holding them there and staring at Buck. The cuts and bruises on his face have begun to heal, the color returning to normal in his cheeks, the swelling going down. The blood has been cleaned out of his curls, back to their normal golden hue. He’s still banged up, but he’s beautiful.
It’s only a few moments until Eddie’s phone buzzes. Shakily, he pulls it out. There’s a linked file from Josh and Eddie’s breath catches in his throat as he presses play, lifting the phone to his ear, eyes trained on Buck’s face.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
A rattling, wet breath fills his ear. “ M-Mad-Maddie Buckley. ”
“ I’m sorry sir, what was that? ”
It comes out a choking sob, wet and raspy, “ Operator Maddie Buckley, please, p-please, I need to- Maddie Buckley.”
A click, then Maddie’s voice fills the silence. “ Hello? This is Maddie, who is this?”
“Mads,” Buck gasps, “Maddie, Mads, Maddie.”
Maddie’s voice is colored with panic immediately. “ Buck? Evan, is- is that you? ”
“ ‘S, ‘s an accident, ” Buck slurs, “Accident, Mads. Need- need you- call Eddie- Eddie, please, God, please Eddie.”
“Evan, where are you?”
“Promise. Promise, promise, me, promise. Y-you have- you have t’ tell him, Mads. Eddie, Eddie please , need you- need Eddie. Promise me you’ll tell him.”
“Evan, stop.”
Buck’s voice suddenly turns extremely lucid. “ Maddie, listen , you have to promise me, promise you’ll-” a cough- “ promise me you’ll tell him I’m sorry, please .”
“No ,” Maddie argues. “ No, no you- you can tell him yourself, okay? No.”
“Mads.” Buck coughs. “Maddie, I love you. But you- you have to promise me you’ll tell him- tell them. Him and Chris. Tell them- tell them I love them, and I’m sorry, god , I am so unbelievably sorry, Eddie, I’m sorry. Just- promise me, please .
“I promise,” Maddie cries. “ Evan, I promise, but I need you to stay with me. Please, please stay awake, come on baby brother. Stay with me.”
“I love you ,” Buck whispers. “I’m sorry. Eddie, I’m sorry , I’m so sorry, please. Please, Eds, please. N-need Eddie- need him- hear- Eddie, please- Eddie-” Buck’s words grow slower, more slurred, less coherent. Then, “Think I’d’ve been a good dad.” Incoherent babble continues, until finally, Buck falls silent.
“Evan? Evan, are you there? ” Maddie is sobbing into the phone, nearly yelling. “Evan, where are you, please, please answer me!” Then there’s a click, and a dial tone, and the call is over.
Eddie’s sobbing. Huge, stifled cries as he tries to choke them down. His vision has blurred the world into blindness through his tears, his heart feels like it’s been shattered into a million separate shards, each puncturing into his chest and dragging through his throat with each breath. He can’t handle this, he can’t do this. He can barely breathe at all, every part of his body is shaking, every atom of his being aches.
This is what dying feels like, he thinks. It’s worse than anything he’s ever experienced- worse than both times he’s been shot, worse than the pain he felt when Shannon died. This is the worst thing he’s ever lived through.
If Buck dies, he thinks, he won’t survive it.
-
It only gets worse. Eddie barely eats, he doesn’t sleep aside from when Maddie insists he has to or she’ll have him taken to his own room in the hospital. He doesn’t move from his vigil. He refuses to refer to Buck’s waking as an if . The only times he leaves the room are when Maddie asks for time alone with Buck. Eddie relies on the attached bathroom and his friends to bring him clothes. He talks to Buck almost nonstop.
He begs Buck daily to squeeze his hand, to give him some sort of sign that he’s still there. He pleads with Buck not to leave him, to fight, to come back to him.
The doctors begin discussing what happens if it becomes clear Buck won’t wake up. Maddie starts trying to talk to him about what they’re going to do.
Eddie ignores them all. He pretends he doesn’t hear, he lives in denial. He prays. He kisses Bucks forehead, watches as he slowly heals.
It’s the worst two and a half weeks of Eddie’s entire life. Buck doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch. His eyes move behind his eyelids and his chest rises and falls shallowly, but that's the only signs that he’s even still alive. The monotonous beep of the heart monitor is the soundtrack to Eddie’s life.
Then, one day, Eddie takes Buck’s hand in his own and he begs. It’s the same things he’s been saying for two weeks. He squeezes Buck’s fingers and drops his head to rest against Buck’s hip. His words are barely a whisper, a desperate prayer. “Please, Evan, just squeeze my hand.”
And Buck does.