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He hates himself right now, all of this so easily avoidable if he’d stopped to think- he knows Robby, they’ve been dating for six months and he’s taken on certain responsibilities in that time.
Reminding his boyfriend to eat, drink, shower, and use the bathroom when they were together and texting him reminders at certain times of day when they weren’t. He’s learned to watch carefully for signs of overwhelm and distress because even though it’s been months there’s always another complexity and sometimes (especially around people Robby doesn’t trust) he turns into a little chameleon.
But even when he’s masking Miguel should be able to catch the signs- is able to catch them if he pays attention, he just wasn’t.
And logically he knows it’s not his fault and that Robby has several ways he could communicate that he was struggling but sometimes he doesn’t, and while that hardly makes it his problem he never wants Robby to suffer more than he needs to and whether it’s his responsibility or not he could’ve stopped it.
It’s a guilt he knows he shares with Robby’s dads, especially Johnny. To be perfectly honest Robby’s able to take care of himself in a lot of situations, sure he needs accommodations but the only times he’s really incapable of recognizing his own needs is in the buildup of a meltdown or really bad burnout. The thing is that the internalized ableism from his early childhood still affects him and sometimes he chooses not to.
There’s a lot of really complicated, and concerning adult (according to his mom) parts of this relationship. But it’s Robby and that trumps everything, it’s not like it’s his fault that they met in high school and not later in life. It’s not his fault Robby’s so goddamned easy to love.
Every morning when he wakes up he feels so fucking grateful to have been blessed with someone so extraordinary in his life, it’s not some teenage first love (well technically it is) but it’s something more as well. It’s Robby’s earnest confusion and his sarcasm and happy stims and his smile filling up Miguel’s chest until it aches from the enormity of the feeling.
There’s just so much love and affection and adoration, too much for his body to contain.
It’s why he watches carefully even when Robby forgets he isn’t a burden, especially when he forgets. It’s not like Robby doesn’t accommodate him too, he lets him sleep with his socks on, share his cereal, doesn’t get mad when he’s jealous or a little possessive, let’s him use his razor and toothbrush when he sleeps over and doesn’t remember his own, and any other innumerable habits he has that he knows drive his boyfriend crazy.
That’s just what a relationship is.
And when he’d picked Robby up he’d seemed fine, maybe a little more nervous than normal but he was hardly focused on the anxious stimming when his boyfriend looked like that. Dressed in black pants with a sheer lace blouse, his signature rings, a shimmery nail polish, matching lip gloss, and a leather jacket to top off the look.
It’s such a perfect blend of masculine and feminine expression and it’s so Robby, he’s practically drooling over him by the time his boyfriend is sitting there fiddling with his seatbelt. “You look amazing,” he manages a bit breathlessly but luckily without actually choking on the words as he shifts to try and cover his crotch as he wills his cock to lose interest.
At least he doesn’t have a full erection, that would’ve been mortifying. Even luckier, Robby doesn't notice anything.
He hums sights slightly “Thanks, I was worried it was too much for such a simple outing but-“ he doesn’t let Robby say another word before dragging him into a sweet kiss, tasting the strawberry lip gloss before pulling back. He knows from past experience that messing up Robby’s hair, makeup, or clothes will not be taken to kindly unless they’re coming back from something.
“Perfect baby, as perfect as always.” He promises and Robby giggles slightly and kisses his cheek as he starts the ignition. The backpack he keeps stashed in the back full of snacks, stim toys, and sensory friendly items is now shoved by Robby’s feet so the backseat is free for his friends.
They’re supposed to be picking up Eli, Demetri, and one of his soccer friends Jordan. He’s not too worried about Eli and Dem because they’re dating as well and Eli is autistic but Jordan is a bit of a wild card, he doesn’t know him well enough to be certain nothing will go wrong but he certainly seems nice and he’s not too worried about it.
Then he gets a call from Eli canceling because Demetri is sick and Robby tenses and starts fiddling anxiously with one of his rings. It’s probably the first sign he should’ve picked up on but he hadn’t thought much of it.
They picked up Jordan first after driving by Eli’s house and things seemed to be going well. Robby was always more awkward with people he didn’t know and his pre hangout list of facts about his friend (acquaintance?) could only help so much when Miguel hardly knows him either.
He can see how focused Robby is on the conversation, his fingers tapping a steady thoughtful rhythm on his thigh as they pull in to the parking lot. “We’re here princess,” he says gently but Robby still looks up startled and unsure.
“We’re early, we can wait here a minute before going in-“ he offers and Robby relaxes a little bit before glancing toward a confused Jordan in the backseat. He looks completely lost and while it’s not unusual for him to give Robby a few quiet minutes before switching tasks he doesn’t seem to have any clue how to answer.
So he laughs and offers Jordan a smile while pulling out his phone “I’ve gotta call my mom, she always wants to make sure I’m okay.” Which is not true, of course his mom cares but she’s working a shift right now and way too busy to be wondering whether he made it to the movie theater safely.
He calls anyways and predictably she doesn’t answer, he then waits a couple minutes before trying again. Meanwhile Robby’s gaze is locked on his lap, fidgeting restlessly before finally nodding. He doesn’t look ready to go but it’s his choice.
“Wow that’s weird she normally answers, it’s fine though we can head inside and I’ll shoot her a text in line.” He winks at Robby and gets a small smile in return as he climbs out of the car and walks around to the other side to open the door.
Robby protests but he can tell he’s pleased at the action as he quickly engages Jordan in their conversation about the movie they’re here to see. One of the actors is in something Robby liked at one point or another and he’s randomly listing facts about the guy he assumes he had a crush on at some point in his childhood.
Jordan looks a bit out of his depth but he makes an effort to engage with Robby and when there are pauses in the conversation Robby just rambles through it as he makes an effort to facilitate actual back and forth conversation.
If nothing else Robby’s usually better at masking, which is yet another thing he should’ve focused on for longer. But instead Jordan excuses himself to the bathroom and he’s distracted by the opportunity to pull Robby into his arms and cuddle him aggressively as they wait in line.
“Am I doing okay Migs?” He asks hesitantly, bouncing a bit and that’s the first time he remembers really noticing how anxious Robby was, even then he’d figured it was better not to draw attention to it. So he’d responded with reassurances while Robby told him he’d memorized all those facts about the movie to make conversation.
Which is unlike him, he’s just- jittery and unsure in a way that’s different from his normal awkwardness. “¿Estás bien mi amor?” He asks, taking advantage of the little Spanish Robby knows to hopefully not draw attention. “N-no I’m fine just, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He groans and flaps his hands a few times, shaking out his arms until the usher starts walking toward them.
Robby’s unusually tense and the stimming is getting more aggressive as he makes a few odd repetitive noises. “Look I’m gonna need the two of you to step out of line for a second-“ the man starts in a tone that spells trouble, suddenly his concern for Robby twists into a deeper anxiety.
“We’re not hurting anyone,” he says but the guy just repeats the gesture. Robby looks confused as he quietly follows behind, jittery and awkward and he’s starting to worry. Not just about Robby but about the whole situation, it’s not super unusual for them to have these experiences but it’s not common either.
A part of him is really tempted to tell Robby he needs to stop stimming, even though his heart aches at the thought. But people are uneducated and there are so many things between the two of them that they could get called out on, from Robby’s fidgeting to either of their appearances to just the fact that they’re together.
Robby clearly understands the severity of the situation though as he forces himself to be still, there’s a sort of frantic energy he has no way to release and it makes him tremble. He knows this isn’t his fault but not being able to protect Robby makes him feel sick and he has the feeling he’s nonverbal.
“Look I’m sure you’re just experimenting,” the guy says disgustedly while glancing at his grip on Robby’s waist (he doesn’t miss the double meaning, even if his boyfriend does) “but whatever you’re on I don’t want it happening in this theater.”
For a second he’s surprised but it fades into anger and then back to anxiety as Robby suddenly latches onto his hand, whining and making distressed noises. He’s barely holding it together and it feels like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on him.
He’d written off so many things today and all of this could’ve been avoided if he’d just paid attention to Robby- who’s clearly going through something or at the very least having a really bad sensory day.
“We’re not high, just because I’m Latino you assume-“ before he can finish his sentence he’s interrupted by Robby making a high pitched keening noise and hitting his fist into his head twice before sliding to the floor while he kneels down to try and soothe Robby’s crying and hitting himself.
“I knew the two of you were trouble the second I saw you now get out of this office before the cops get here-“ the guy glares but he’s too distracted kneeling beside Robby to respond right away. When he does it’s with a hissed “he’s autistic-“ that has the asshole manager finally pausing.
There’s a split second of silence before the door opens and then Bobby is standing there staring at them in surprise “Robby? Miguel?” He says frozen in the doorway, after a moment he unfreezes and flicks the lights off.
He can hear a slightly different stim that he recognizes as relief and breathes out, fumbling with his mom's keys before passing them off to Tommy “Please there’s a backpack in my car with his stuff in it.” He nods and quickly leaves the office while Bobby sends the man a death glare and kneels beside them.
Robby keeps crying but he’s stopped hitting himself and his hands are scrabbling at his pants as he waits impatiently. Tommy’s back quickly with the backpack and weighted blanket which he promptly wraps around Robby’s shoulders, keeping his arms there to increase the pressure.
He’s not sure what’s happening because nothing going on should’ve triggered this which means he missed things. More than even what he dismissed there’s something else going on. But right now Robby’s hands are clamped down on his ears and he’s rocking and crying so hard he’s barely breathing.
“Your dad’s been worried,” Tommy starts and he looks up in surprise from where he’s squeezing Robby with a steady pressure. His boyfriend doesn’t respond but he grabs the phone he dropped at some point and flips it over to see dozens of missed calls and texts from both Johnny and Daniel.
It makes him feel sick, what’s going on?
“Can you get him the little black cube and ear defenders please,” he requests as gently as he can and Bobby carefully sifts through the backpack until he finds the requested objects. “Okay now put them over his ears and try not to touch his skin” he requests gently while taking the cube and pressing it into Robby’s hands.
He thinks it’s helping, instead of yanking at his hair and scratching like he’d been before he stims rapidly with the black infinity cube, twisting and rearranging pieces until his breathing starts evening out. “There we are love, I’ve got you” he promises even though Robby can’t hear him as his tensed miracles slowly relax and he seems to melt into an exhausted emotional puddle in his arms.
The regular pink color of his cheeks has flushed a deeper red and his skin is damp with sweat and tears as he continues hugging him from behind. He can hear Tommy hissing threats at the manager in the doorway while Robby trembles in his arms like a terrified animal. It’s at least another ten minutes before he’s able to shift Robby’s dead weight so he’s wrapped up in his arms.
It’s not easy with the additional fifteen pounds from the blanket but between soccer and karate training he manages to carry Robby back to the car while Bobby finds Jordan and updates him as to the situation. When he gets to his mom's old SUV he lays Robby down on the backseat and he barely reacts to the movement except when he removes the ear defenders and Robby winces at what he imagines is a sudden rush of background noise.
‘I have your earplugs if you want them but that way you can still lay down,’ he signs and Robby stares fully for a minute before nodding and rubbing his cheek over the fuzzy corner of the blanket. ‘Can you tell me what’s going on?’ He asks and when all he receives is another blank look he quickly re-words the question ‘Can you tell me why your dads were calling you and you didn’t answer.’
Before Robby can respond either way he sees Jordan and quickly opens the door to lead him to the front seat “I’m sorry everything got derailed, you can stay if you if you want to catch the movie but I totally understand if you need a ride home as well and it’s fine as long as you’re quiet.” He whispers, taking in the overwhelmed, concerned, and slightly disturbed expression on his friends face.
“No I need a ride, it's fine” Jordan explains nervously. “Okay please get in the front seat and close the door as quietly as possible” he instructs softly before kneeling next to Robby’s head and handing him the little plastic case with the pink loop earplugs which he fumbles with for a moment before sliding them in and relaxing slightly.
He kisses him gently and sits there with one knee drawn up to his chest and one dangling out of the car until Robby shuffles up and sits against the other door opposite to him, he’s not fluent in ASL yet but he picks it up pretty fast, enough to recognizes the first sign as an apology. “It’s not your fault,” he says quietly and Robby shrugs ‘my mom called’ he finally admits hands shaking.
And he’s never heard Robby mention his mom, has always assumed- he doesn’t even know what he’d assumed. That someone was a surrogate for Johnny to have a kid since Daniel had Sam? That she died when he was young?
“I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned her to me,” he says and Robby flinches and shrugs. Clearly it’s not an easy topic so he drops it for now and hands Robby the plastic bottle of water which he clutches carefully, taking a few small sips while he closes the door as quietly as possible and gets in the driver's seat.
It’s an awkward drive to say the least, Robby nonverbal and still overwhelmed and teary in the backseat while Jordan stares straight ahead, potentially more awkward than the other boy in his refusal to look anywhere but his hands. He tries not to give Jordan too hard of a time, it’s no surprise the situation would garner this response from him and as long as he doesn’t say anything cruel he’s fine.
When they swing by his house Jordan nervously tells Robby he hopes he feels better and he makes a mental reminder to send him a text later explaining what happened and apologizing for his day getting derailed. But for now his focus is on helping Robby to the front seat and getting him settled, now that Jordan is gone he practically passes out and when they get to the house Daniel and Johnny are so relieved they practically crush him before Johnny breaks away to carry a sleeping Robby upstairs.
He kind of figures his best option at this point is to wait for Robby to wake up, he doubts it’ll be more than an hour or two based on past experiences and considering how delicate the situation seems it doesn’t feel right to ask Daniel or Johnny. Whatever is going on with Robby’s mom is bad enough that he’d tried to run away from it and that isn’t something he’s willing to discredit.
So he watches Netflix on his phone for an hour and a half until Robby starts stirring and then he moves to the bed and crawls in next to him. “Hey love you doing okay?” Robby nods and his voice comes out a bit croaky from sleep “I guess I feel better,” he murmurs.
But he doesn’t sound like he feels better, he sounds like he’s trying not to cry as he rolls over so his face is hidden in his pillow. “We don’t have to talk about it baby,” he assures but Robby just shrugs and interlaces their fingers on his stomach, pushing back so they’re as close as possible. “It’s fine I would’ve told you before but I didn’t expect anything to come up,” the words are undeniably choked up and when he reaches up to caress Robby’s cheek he finds the skin wet.
“I lived with my mom when I was a kid, up until I was five. She was never around a lot, never went out of her way to accommodate her ‘weirdo’ son but after I was diagnosed everything got worse. I lived with her for the first six or seven months and I was In ABA for over thirty hours a week during that time. My mom wouldn’t let me do anything that she thought was ‘too autistic’ and she forced me to eat foods and wear clothes that were painful to me. Stimming was forbidden as well and she’d just lock me in my room when I had meltdowns.” He pauses for a moment and swallows harshly before wiping at his own tears and continuing in a shaky voice.
“She was never a great parent, she drank a lot and brought guys home but after I got diagnosed she just- she couldn’t handle having a r-retarded kid. She started taking pills, drinking more, I think she just stopped seeing me as an actual p-person. She didn’t want to admit my dad was right, that she needed help but I guess eventually I was too much for her because she left me here in the middle of the night with custody papers on her way out of town. I know things weren’t always that bad, she used to love me even if she wasn’t good at it and there were good times too, I know there were- it’s just really hard to remember them.”
He finally stops rambling when the tears he’s been fighting off spill over and then Robby’s rolling over and burying his face in Miguel’s sweatshirt sobbing harder than he’s ever heard anyone cry before. And his eyes are wet too as he whispers soft things into Robby’s hair while he cries.
“None of that was your fault mi amor, anyone who can’t see how amazing and unique you are-“ Robby shakes his head “I know, I go to therapy remember? But I still want her to love me because she’s my mom and I haven’t heard from her since I was five- fuck why didn’t she want me?” Robby sobs harder burying his face in Miguel’s neck as his body shakes.
He doesn’t manage anymore words and they stay like that for a long time.
Finally he swallows down his own tears and tighten his grip on his boyfriend “I love you,” he murmurs thickly “I love you and I want you and I know it’s not enough and it’ll never make up for what’s been done in the past but I love you-“ in the end he doesn’t manage to keep the tears at bay, hot drops falling down his cheeks as Robby tightens his grip around his waist and presses his wet face more steadily into Miguel’s neck.
“It’s enough,” Robby whispers, barley audible against his skin as he places a teary kiss on the underside of his jaw “it’s more than enough Migs, god you have no idea how much I love you” Robby half cries.
But he does- because he feels the exact same way, like Robby is his destiny, his whole life. It’s like- nothing that happens could be that bad as long as he can hold Robby at the end of it.
And when Johnny knocks on the door nervously asking if Robby feels up to chicken Alfredo and garlic bread they face that together too. He really believes that if the rest of his life is just facing things with Robby by his side it will be more than enough.
How could it not be?