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Erik looks down, watching as Charles falls to the ground, coughing. He doesn’t know what happened, they were both walking side by side over the ground, and then, the next second, he was on the ground.
He wants to take Charles in his arms, hold him, and make sure he’s okay, but he can’t. No matter how hard he tries, his body won’t move. He’s trapped right where he is, standing, staring at the sight that haunts his nightmares.
Charles moves his hand down from his mouth and there’s blood coating it from where he’s coughing, and still, Erik can only watch, eyes wide. He wants to help, he wants to hold him, to put him back together. He wants to find out who did this to his Charles and kill them.
It’s like his body is weighted down by iron, but if it was, he could control himself. It would make everything easier, he wouldn’t feel useless watching as Charles lays on the ground, bleeding out, pain clear on his face.
There’s nothing he can do. He doesn’t know how he knows that, but somehow he does. No matter what he does, it’s not going to be enough. Charles is dying and Erik is going to be stuck a foot away from him, watching as the life leaves his eyes.
There are tears in his own eyes as he looks down at Charles. He watches the other take his final, shuddering breath, and then he’s still.
Erik can move. He runs towards Charles. It’s a cruel ability to have, now that Charles is dead, he can move.
Immediately, he pulls the other man into his arms and holds him close, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He sobs loudly, no longer caring who hears and can see him. Charles is dead and he did nothing to help him, he wasn’t even there to hold him so he didn’t die alone.
Sitting on the ground, Charles’s head on his lap, Erik leans over, pressing kisses to Charles’s face, holding him tight. He continues to sob, tears falling, pouring, from his face and onto Charles.
“Es tut mir leid,” He whispers into Charles’s hair over and over. His hands grip Charles’s shirt in a death hold. “Ich liebe dich, Charles, Schatz.”
He gasps, sitting up. Tears still pour down his face. It takes him too long to look around and realize that he’s in bed. The room is fully dark and he’s painfully alone. The mansion is quiet, as it normally is at this time of night, but there’s no Charles next to him. He’s alone, with no one in his head, no warm body next to him.
The memories are too real to just be a nightmare. Charles really is gone.
He falls back against the bed once again, biting down on his bottom lip to try to keep from sobbing out loud but fails as it escapes him anyway. The sound seems all too loud in the fully silent room.
He brings his hands up to cover his face, another way of trying to quieten the sound. He doesn’t want to run the risk of waking up everyone else in the mansion, but at the same time, it’s a relief to know there’s no one in bed with him to worry about waking up. Even though that thought breaks his heart all over again.
There’s no Charles to hold and calm him, no one to help him relax and wipe his tears. No one to kiss him and reassure him. It’s not that he thinks he deserves any of that. Whatever happened to Charles, there is one certainty, that it was his fault. He deserves to be alone with this pain. He doesn’t deserve to feel hurt that Charles is gone, but he does.
He turns in bed and hides his face in his pillow, sobbing hard, the sound muffled but that doesn’t make it any less painful as each breath racks his body.
The feeling of a hand on his back along with light pressure makes him jump, turning around quickly. Charles is next to the bed in his chair and Erik’s brain struggles to keep up with what’s going on and find an answer for his sudden appearance. He scrambles back, trying to get away from him. He doesn’t have an answer for why Charles is here but his first thought is of his friend returning for his revenge and that’s the last thing Erik wants and the first thing he deserves.
“Shhh shh, darling, it’s alright,” Charles whispers, his hand laying on the bed where it fell after Erik moved. He watches as Charles transfers over onto the bed with an easy, practiced movement.
“Erik, love, I need you to look at me right now, alright?” He says, firmly enough to catch his attention. Erik knows he needs to listen, whatever Charles is here to say, he deserves to hear. He has to face the truth, no matter how much he doesn’t want to.
“There we are,” Charles whispers again, slowly reaching out. Erik watches as Charles’ hands wrap around his own. They’re cold, but they always are, a stark difference from Erik’s own warm hands.
“I’m right here, darling. One of the children was having a nightmare as well, so I went to check on them and calm them down. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to wake you up but I came as soon as I realized. Just stay here with me, focus on me and breathe.”
Erik nods, trying to calm himself down but breathing is painful, something he has to consciously do. His hands are shaking, his whole body is, he’s cold, his chest hurts and he wonders if this is how he’s going to die.
“You’re having a panic attack, darling, you’re not going to die,” Charles reassures him as he moves closer, taking Erik’s hand and guiding it to his chest. “With me, darling. Everything will be alright, I’m right here, you’re here. You’re safe now.”
Erik spreads his fingers out over Charles’ chest, feeling his heart beating under his hand. The gentle rise and fall as he takes each breath. Tangible signs that Charles is here, he’s alive, and he’s not mad at Erik.
Slowly, he takes a shaky, shuddering breath and releases it, then another. It takes effort, more so than breathing has ever before in his life, but with Charles there with him, he manages.
“Doing so well, my friend. Just like that, keep it up. I’m so proud of you.” The words are gentle, a whisper in Erik’s mind, the feelings behind each word almost enough to take his breath away before he’s even regained it. Still, he powers through and keeps it up until his breathing slows and steadies. It doesn’t take nearly so much work and his chest doesn’t burn so much.
“That’s it, my love,” Charles whispers, out loud this time. “Feeling better now?”
Erik nods and watches as Charles’ hand moves up to his face, wiping the tears from his cheeks, though there are still tears falling, just not as hard as before.
“Good. Now, do you want to stay up for a while, or lay back down? We don’t have to sleep right now if you don’t want to.”
“Lay down,” Erik whispers, his voice rough from crying, but he clears his throat and lies down.
Charles moves next to him and pulls the covers up over Erik, before sliding down under them himself. Then he moves in, pulling Erik into his arms with his head cushioned on Charles’s chest.
He feels the safest like this, he always has, since they were young and had first met, before the beach and before everything fell apart. Now, he realizes that this is a feeling and comfort he never wants to leave again. If he could spend the rest of his nights cuddled up in Charles’s arms, there is no place he would rather be.
“Then stay, my friend. You never have to leave again, as long as you want to be here. There is no place I would rather you be either.”
“I love you, Charles.”
“I love you, Erik.”
Sleep is hard to find for the rest of the night, but here, in Charles’s arms, he doesn’t mind staying awake.