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He didn’t know what came over him. The sudden urge to drink Death After Noon came abruptly and he couldn’t withstand the urge. He needed an escape occasionally. Anything that gives him freedom from his own consciousness and morality.
He, fortunately, already had some bottles of the drink at home. He didn’t want to go and have to buy some, he didn’t want to face Diluc and his judgemental mindset. He didn’t need someone else critiquing him, he already does that to himself.
The moment he got home, he flung his boots, socks, belt, vision, and even coat to the floor. He immediately went to the kitchen, bulldozing his way to the alcohol. As soon as it was in sight, he grabbed the 7 remaining bottles left (he had to take two trips) to the living room. He didn’t trust himself enough to drink in his bedroom.
He basically threw himself to the couch, his hands darting out and grabbing a bottle straight away. He wasted no time to open his eyes, his actions were borderline manic and his only thought was needing to drink this substance.
As the drink hit the back of his throat and made its way down, Kaeya’s body evidently relaxed. The drink tasted so wonderfully good and it made his brain feel equally good. He soon downed that bottle, opening a second, third, and fourth one.
Kaeya has always been a heavyweight drinker, it takes quite a bit of alcohol to actually get him tipsy, let alone drunk. He never obtains the true euphoric state due to this constitution, but tonight, he made sure he experiences it.
His vision began to blur, everything surrounding him becoming hazy. He could hear himself laughing, sounding so distant yet so close. He didn’t know that he could laugh that happily, didn’t know that his mouth could form a smile that wasn’t fake.
He knew he was a liar, and a good one at that. He lies to survive, lies to betray, and lies to save. He has lied so much that he himself doesn’t know what the truth is anymore. Was he really a bad guy? Did his parents actually send him here to survive or here to supervise? Did he really think of Diluc as only his brother? Did he truly respect his other knights, like Jean or Lisa? Does he trust anyone? Does he even trust himself? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t want to know.
His laughter got louder and louder, eventually making his voice crack. He took another swig of his drink and then tilted his back. His eyes were staring unfocused at the ceiling. The ceiling he had become used to after Crepus died and Diluc disdained him. This ceiling, actually this whole house, is a daily reminder of how terrible of a person he is.
But does he really think he’s all that bad?
His lips turn into a self-deprecating smirk. He didn’t need to think that much for him to get that answer. Kaeya chuckles slowly and once again, takes another drink of his wine.
‘Ah, what a bad person I am.’ he thinks as he turns his back towards the ceiling. He wonders if he will ever truly get used to this house, used to being alone. Maybe it’s better to be alone, he wouldn’t have to worry about others or even have to deal with people. He hates people, he hates them so desperately, but he loves them so much as well. Humans are sick. Their morality can change with one word, whether it be the decision of killing someone or saving them.
His bleary eyes began to see visions of that terrible night, fully graphic and surrealistic. He wants to turn his eyes away, he has already replayed this memory enough, but he can’t. His body won’t listen to him anymore as he involuntarily watches the film.
The night was so cold that he can even feel it now, but after the cold, comes a scornful heat. He feels his skin burn, his hair burn, his heart burn. He remembers that he thought this was a terrible way to go, he didn’t want Diluc to be charged for life as his murderer. He’d rather just kill himself in the corner if it came to that. Unfortunately, neither of them were in the right mind at the time.
A phoenix dies and comes back to live through its ashes, it experiences rebirth happily.
But Kaeya didn’t know why he didn’t experience this happy feeling or rebirth feeling. The bird that his sworn brother- ex at this point in time, sent towards him burnt him to bits. Unfortunately, his heart and brain were the only things that were truly burnt.
By the time the bird had flown to him, a freezing, dark feeling came over him. He didn’t like this feeling one bit, hated it so venomously. This feeling manifested into something physical, turning into his ‘vision’. The icles it produced protected him from his upcoming death. He didn’t know if he should be thankful or not. He didn’t want his vision to show up at a time like this, he didn’t want his vision to be so badly matched with Diluc’s.
The scene ended and Kaeya once again saw the ceiling. The same damn ceiling. He wished the ceiling at least had a hook somewhere, he should at least have an option to tie a rope and hang from somewhere.
A brief laugh made his depressing thoughts hault. Startled, Kaeya lifts head up and turns it forward. His eyes widened so large that you could see his hidden veins. His brain stopped, or maybe it was overworked, and he could only rely on his sense of sight to process the person in front of him.
Diluc had always looked handsome to Kaeya, and a lot of his peers agreed with him. He thought Diluc looked even better when he was smiling, like he was right now.
“What kind of fuckery is this?” He exclaims in both rage and agony. He knew that there was no way that Diluc could still have eyes that looked at him so lovingly. He knew that there was no way that Diluc would ever show his true smile to him anymore.
”Kaeya.” Diluc’s voice rang throughout the whole room. His bones shook, his blood stopped, and his heart paused. It sounded so real, so genuine.
“You aren’t here, you aren’t here, you aren’t here.” Kaeya repeatedly says, as if saying it enough will truly convince him. His hands shook so much that the bottle he was holding fell to the ground in a crash. The glass splattered everywhere and even cut some parts of his feet. He couldn’t feel shit though.
“I don’t know what you did to me, but make it stop.” Kaeya cries out to the invisible person that was making him experience this. He wanted so desperately for this person to show themself, so he could tie them up and torture their whole mind like they were doing to him.
“You don’t know what you did to me.” Diluc’s voice cuts through the atmosphere, sharper than a blade. Kaeya shook even more, his head hung low as he let out psychotic laughter.
‘Even if this is just a cruel prank someone is playing on me, I’ll at least allow myself to enjoy this.’ He thought to himself, accompanied with an almost egotistic, prideful voice. This was punishment to him? This couldn’t even come close to it, it couldn’t compare to the cage he’s in for eternity.
He drops to his knees, the glass digging deeply into his skin. The pain couldn’t be felt as he crawled over to Diluc. If someone were to see Kaeya’s eyes, they would think he’s worshiping a god.
“I don’t know what you did to me, but your body here is speaking to me.” He calls out. The sound he let out was like a maniac on their last string of sanity, their last wall of defense being broken down. Kaeya's voice sounded like that because at the moment, he was that maniac. His sanity had truly abandoned him and he already had given up on defense. If he was to burn, then so be it.
As Kaeya’s shaking, pale hand reached out to grab Diluc’s trousers, it felt nothing.
It grasped onto pure, empty air.
‘Ah, he really was just an illusion.’ He once again laughs, this one sounding more like a sob than any other of his laughs. If one looked closely, they could see water gathering in that beautiful, uncovered eye of his. This was the only thing that was beautiful to him, Diluc had said he liked his eyes.
Diluc had said he liked a lot of things about Kaeya at one point in time, but now he only dislikes everything. He couldn’t bear to get close to that sun anymore, he feared he would put it out just like he did with the previous, bigger sun. His existence was a curse to everyone around him, so he can’t get close to anyone anymore. He keeps them all at a safe distance, to prevent another tragedy from happening.
Kaeya falls onto the floor, turning around so he lays on his back. Glass cut through his clothes, creating more bloody strikes on his skin. He wishes that he could feel the pain at this point, it could distract him from seeing the fake Diluc right above him.
He reaches out his hand once more, confirming that Diluc really wasn’t here.
‘Ah, too bad.’
His arm falls to cover his face, his eyes blocked off completely. His brain begins to work again, bringing him to sleep as a way to ease alcohol leaving his body. He already missed the effects, but he couldn’t spare any effort to regain it as he directly passed out.
If only, he wasn’t under the influence. If only, Diluc smiling at him happily and lovingly wasn’t just fake, created due to false dreams and drunkenness.
If only…
If only, he could love himself.